Post
by cptngarlock » Wed Nov 20, 2013 11:50 pm
>Victorian memento mori daguerreotypes
>lachrymose
I by no means want to imply Iwanako isn't intelligent or well-informed, but...those two words strike me as 10-dollar words that even an intelligent teenager would not know, let alone use to describe something in their head. The idea that a Japanese teenager like Iwanako knowing what a "Victorian memento mori daguerreotypes" even is strikes me as extremely odd; both instances brought me out of the story. You're free to disagree, of course, but these strike me as too wordy for a stream-of-conscious story.
>that seems to follow me around like goldfish feces
...is that a thing? I don't own gold-fish, so...
Either way, incredible update. I am extremely happy you didn't go the happy-go-lucky route and simply have her forgive Emi; the mention of a drunk driver strikes me as a low blow, if an exceedingly appropriate one. I can only imagine her state-of-mind right now, thinking she might be almost as bad as the person who killed her father. I suspect an reconciliation in the future? I doubt they'd be friends (these sorts of comments and actions aren't easily forgiven), but I'd find it difficult to believe that Iwanako, should she choose to go back to school, won't try to awkwardly patch things up (assuming the Emi doesn't try first, although the (slightly unwarranted) hateful look Emi gave her seems to dispel that possibility.)
Exciting, although terribly unexpected, to see Hanako enter the game. I trust you have a good reason for her to be there.
Keep at it, and know you've got one faithful reader right over here!