AntonSlavik020 wrote:Iwanako is a full foot shorter than Hisao?
No, I effed up. Iwanako is 153 cm tall. I've known that since probably chapter three of this fic, but (absurdly) I forgot the American equivalent for that. She's a hair over five feet. Also for some reason I got it in my head that Lilly was almost six feet tall, because I forgot to look it up, and since my position is that Hisao is exactly the same height as Lilly, I somehow wound up with a measurement where Hisao towers over Hanako.
So, for posterity's sake, let me restate: Iwanako = 151 cm, Hisao = 171 cm, Momomi = 169 cm.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Very nice scene with Hanako. Usually I'd count being able to handle a situation like this without complications as a sign for "Mary Sue", but you managed to make it believable.
I was very
concerned about potential Mary Sue implications during that interaction, so I'm glad it worked out the way I wanted it to. I ultimately decided there was no reason it couldn't play out like that for somebody like Iwanako because Naomi managed to get her onto the newspaper club, and she's way more obstreperous and frightening than Iwanako is.
Reese8 wrote:"Holy mother of pearl, really?"
Hm, don't think that I've heard that one before.
I knew an officer's wife who used to say that. She was pretty adorable. Iwanako doesn't use profanity (well, other than "crap" and "hell" and maybe one or two "damns") because she thinks it's low-class.
Reese8 wrote:Oh, right, Iwanako's not met Emi yet, has she? Well, until now.
I didn't want to introduce Emi any earlier than her appearance in canon. In fact, without this encounter occurring, Iwanako wouldn't have met Emi or Rin at all,
since the Nurse never would have arranged for Iwanako to go running with Emi (he sets up that whole thing in response to Hisao not going to the track or pool, and Iwanako went to the pool yesterday. The lifeguard commented to him about it later, so he is aware of that.)
griffon8 wrote:I think I can speak with confidence that your and Mirage's opinion of how Hanako's scene was done will be taken as extremely high praise.
It was indeed.
Bad Apple wrote:Am I a terrible person for laughing at this line? If so, so be it.
Heavens, no. Taro exists for us to laugh at him.
Bad Apple wrote:OhgodyesthisisthechapterI'vebeenwaitingfor
Yeah, see, this is why I stressed so much about this chapter!
People take Hanako business mad serious; that's why Sisterhood
is almost always bumped to the front page despite having been finished for a long time now. Nobody is going to yell at me for my characterization of Aoi and Keiko, but if you're perceived to have screwed up Hanako... well, two cases in point: Mendacium
. I refuse to be sent to the stockades for Hanako abuse.
Bad Apple wrote:Hmm, I find the wording here a bit odd though. You've mentioned you like to make oblique references to canon, and this was one such intentional reference, right? Regardless, I might have forgotten a fine detail from a previous scene, so correct me if I'm wrong, but Iwanako couldn't possibly know about Hanako's "I'vegottagodosomething!" syndrome yet, could she? If so, it almost makes Iwanako look psychic, metafictional conundrums aside.
Hehe, excellent catch! You're actually on to something here, but Iwanako's "prescience" here is actually completely intentional. Remember, Iwanako is highly socially aware (one of the few traits she shares with her mother,) and she's also very logical, as we saw when she managed to get Momomi to spill the beans about the Student Council. Iwanako has never actually noticed Hanako leaving the classroom, only coming in. So why does she think Hanako is going to run away? Well, keep in mind that Iwanako said she had stage fright when she was walking up to Hanako, and even, for a moment, worried Hanako was going to hurt her. Now remember what Iwanako said the first time she ever noticed Hanako: "like looking into a very skittish mirror."
So, after seeing Hanako's scars, why does she think Hanako is going to run away? Well, it's because running away is what she herself
would do, when she pictures herself being a bit more scared than she already is. She then projects that onto Hanako, and that course of action briefly seems so reasonable that it only exacerbates her anxiety.
Bad Apple wrote:I must say though, that cliffhanger felt a little... anticlimatic? Iwanako thinks some things, goes like, "Welp, that's all folks!" then blacks out. I can't describe it, it just intuitively feels off to me, and it could just be me. Unless she turned to a nihilistic sort of mood on her 'impending' death, understandable given the way fate's playing games with her. It also just occurred to me that this is a similar attitude Hisao had in The Deep End, if that makes sense.
Yeah, you're right, for three reasons: 1) Short Sharp Shock
is about 760 words long, and the Emi portion of this chapter is only about 470, so it comes off as being significantly shorter, just in comparison, 2) Not So Cute
isn't meant to be a load-bearing cliffhanger, like "Who Shot Mr. Burns," where you wait a whole season before finding out it was Maggie, but more of a Goosebumps
cliffhanger where you turn the page and the monster was a pile of dirty laundry, and 3) I genuinely didn't do a great job here in building up the sense of dread Iwanako feels as she realizes she's going to die.
And let's not forget here that in one of the endings of the GRIMDARK
Hanako route as it was originally conceived, Hisao dies just because Hanako shoves
him. Iwanako has every reason to believe that Emi just killed her (and possibly given her a concussion, just to add
injury to injury) and now it's just a matter of time. Where I think the ending needs more work is that there's too quick a jump from denial to acceptance. It comes off as a little rushed, probably because I was running out of steam by that point. I think I'll toy with it a little bit more.
The similarities to The Deep End
were intentional, by the way, so I'm glad somebody caught them. Remember, what was the name of the fourth chapter of this story?
Bad Apple wrote:It's a bit odd that the collision still happens the exact same way "in spite of a nail" (I vaguely remember something several pages ago about a student desk), but I'm not the Spacetime Police or anything so I'm totally okay with that.
Well, there's not really any meaningful reason why anything in Emi's schedule would be different just because Iwanako's here and not Hisao. They haven't met yet and they're not even in the same class. There's no reason why Emi isn't still going to go running down that hallway on Wednesday. MTB
isn't a "Stations of the Canon" fic like Sisterhood
, but it is
a Divergence fic and that means there's certain things I can't change.
That being said, is Iwanako being in exactly Hisao's position at that exact moment a bit contrived? Probably, yes, but in a way, that's what makes it more of a surprise; I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping events in MTB
from duplicating events in canon, so even though the reader knows they're coming right up on the moment that Emi Meets Cute, they think I'm going to find a way around it... And then it not only happens, it happens catastrophically.
It was always going to happen this way, because this was one of the encounters that made me want to write this fic in the first place.
Bad Apple wrote:
So, Iwanako has intricate knowledge of the workings of another nation's department of defense? Damn, girl is cosmopolitan.
You joke, but it's actually true. In addition to living in the heart of Tokyo, Iwanako's been on family vacations to America, France, and Denmark. She's more than a little spoiled. Hisao had her on a pedestal for the entirety of the time he knew her, so he never got a chance to realize this.
As far as Threat Conditions are concerned, let's also not forget that the United States has more than a few military bases on Japan, and they all still use the THREATCON (now FPCON) system. That said, Iwanako probably learned the phrase from movies.
Dumanios wrote:I'm definitely sensing some Iwahanako going on
Egads, can we not portmanteau their names for that hypothetical pairing? Personally, I like "Stoneflower" for Iwanako/Hanako, based on the first characters of their names. Then, Iwanako/Lilly could be, err... "Tea Party." Iwanako/Rin could be "Caged Art." I don't know, something like that, anyway.
Bad Apple wrote:We also don't know how many people were in the hall
I'll go ahead and confirm here that Molly and Miki both witnessed the entire thing (it was Miki who actually went to go get the nurse.) I'll leave the rest to your imaginations for now, but keep in mind that Molly is more than a bit of a gossip.
Mader Levap wrote:I am not hot for yuri, so I hope this story have something to stand on its own beside that.
You'll notice that I don't advertise this story as a Yuri fic. MTB
's summary blurb on Fanfiction.net doesn't mention Yuri, either, and it's listed as "Drama/Romance." I'm female, and I write yuri because that is what is most relevant to my life, but I'm not trying to write lemon, here (do people still use the word 'lemon'? I'm showing my age.) If you get turned on by reading my writing, feel free to thank me for it, but I'm not proactively trying to cream anyone's twinkie. If I was, we wouldn't be eight chapters in without even one iota of lesbian content.
Female/female romance is every bit as interesting on its own merits as heterosexual or gay romance; I keep telling people to read my favorite book, Patricia Highsmith's The Price of Salt
, as proof of this, but of course nobody ever does. (Incidentally, the vast majority of explicit lesbian romance novels I encounter are, to my chagrin, Xena/Gabrielle fanfics with the serial numbers filed off and the setting changed.)
griffon8 wrote:If I had managed to be the first one to respond after this chapter was posted, I would have said something like:
"That's all folks. Iwanako dies after being run into by Emi. Because the main difference between Iwanako and Hisao is how frail she is. Leaty, I look forward to helping you with your next story."
What are you talking about? Didn't you read the foreshadowing in chapter six?
Making her sad shouldn’t be the only reason I would feel guilty if I died the day after tomorrow.
dead. The rest of the fic is about Emi suffering from crippling amounts of guilt and seeking comfort in Lilly's arms. Didn't you read that outline I sent you?