second game

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katawabloke

second game

Post by katawabloke » Tue May 08, 2012 11:31 pm

okay here is the deal this is not really good honestly I didn't exactly proof read it I skimmed it, the grammar sucks as well as the punctuation this is really only a prototype to see if people like the idea or not OK
also on a side note this is not only for Hanako its for all the girls I'm just using Hanako as an example it really depends on who you had in the first game say if you had lily you will have Hanako in this one or if you had Rin you will have Emi i only wrote the first one for hanako as it was the easiest to star but i am having trouble with what would actually happen and if hanako would go along with it,and the hero of this game is only called Taro Tanaka because that's his default name I couldn't think of a good name for him, I have roughly a good idea on how taro will meet with the other girls so if you like this one i will write a story for the rest of them except shizune I'm having trouble with her because well misha is a lesbian so I might make a story for miki miura in keeping with the tradition of 5 girls.
and another thing I only started to write this on my ipod in the notes app while walking to school so it really isn't that good its just a base script and its not completed, if the general people don't like it I wont finish it as there is not point okay here we go

In a new town hanako and naomi are on their trip mentioned at the end of the first game
taro (the hero of this game)is in a hurry to get to school.
As he is running to get there he bumps into Hanako sending them both falling to the floor knocking her hat off in the process
Taro: Ah! I'm so sorry!
Hanako: s-sorry
Taro looks up from the ground to see the timid Hanako ikezawa and notices her scaring,
at first he is dumbfounded at the scars but soon catches himself staring at her and quickly pulls himself to together to get up as hanako find her hat and puts it on and apologizes properly
Taro: im really sorry I didn't mean to knock you over I was just late for school and I-
Hanako: ......
Stopping himself as he realizes Hanako staring at her feet with a horrified look upon her face
Taro: hey are you okay?! I didn't hurt you did I!? I'm so sorry!
Hanako: .....
Taro completely oblivious to what is going on Naomi finds hanako and realizing that she is slowly sinking into herself looks In front of her seeing the slightly taller taro tanaka.
Naomi: Hey you! What the hell is your problem?!
Taro: I'm sorry i just-
taro realizing it's useless as he stares into the eyes of a furious Naomi
Naomi turns back to Hanako
Naomi: hey Hanako are you allright did he hurt you? Do you want-
Naomi looking at Hanako realising it's useless and she can't even hear her anymore and turns back to taro
Naomi: You! You cause this! What did you do!?
Taro: n-nothing! I just bumped Into her while going to school and she just-
Taro: ah dammit! School I'm already an hour late! Teacher'll have my head for sure this time
Taro: I-I'm sorry I gotta go!
Naomi: hey get back here!
As taro leaves Hanako manages to look up and see taro run off to school.
Hanako: ah! Wait!
But it's too late taro is already disappearing into the crowd.
Hanako: I didn't get to say sorry
Naomi turns to her with a surprised look on her face from her fast recovery she's back to normal albeit a little more tense than usual
Naomi: hey Hanako, are you alright?
A Cheeks redden slightly as a nervous smile appears on her face as she shakes her head.
Naomi:alright let's get going the train should be leaving soon.
As Hanako and Naomi leave for their train as Hanako's mind is on other things as they reach their platform.
Naomi:hey where is the train?
Hanako: .....
They walk up to the Information desk and ask where their train is
Naomi: excuse me, hi I was just wondering where the 11:30 train to Hokkaido is?
Information desk: oh I'm really sorry but that train has been delayed till tomorrow due to unexpected storms, please come back tomorrow and have a great day.
Naomi: well that's just great where are we going to stay
Naomi: I guess we should go look for a hotel to stay the night.
-scene change-
Taro: oh man I can't believe mr koizumi kicked me out of his class, what I going to do now? (makes a sound somewhere between a dying cow and a grown.
As taro walks along the sidewalk on the way to his lonely apartment his mind drifts back to the encounter he had that morning
Taro: who was she I haven't seen her before....dammit I should of asked her name, now that I think about it she was pretty cute with that beautifully long purple hair, but. Her face
Hanako's scars flash before his eyes
Taro: is something like that even survivable, I wonder what could of caused it.... As his mind drifts further and further away from reality he realizes the time as his stomach grumbles.
Taro: hmm oh wow it's already 5:30 I guess I should grab some dinner.
As taro walks back from a small restaurant with his particularly bland and unappetizing meal he catches the sight of a familiar figure
Taro: is that?
Vvvvvvrrrbbbb (phone vibrating)
Taro: ah dammit can't pick up the phone right now my hands are full
Taro:damn I thought I seen that girl from earlier l
Naomi: I can't believe it, only 2 hotels in this whole town and all of them are full where are we going to stay tonight?
Taro:hey that sounds like.....
Taro hastily turns around as he hears the familiar voice
-crash-
Taro: oww that's the second time today I collided with someone.
Naomi: hey Hanako are you alright?
Hanako: oww
Naomi: hey buddy look where you're going!
Taro: it's not my fault you two walked right into me
Naomi:hey it's you! You're that pervert from this morning!
Taro:pervert!?
Taro: I'm not a pervert I just accidentally ran into her, it's not my fault.
Naomi: yeah whatever pervert, come on Hanako we have to go find a place to stay
Hanako: w-wait
Naomi: what is it?
Hanako: I-I just....
Hanako steps in front of taro
Taro:uh hi
Hanako: I-i'm r-really sorry about t-this morning I h-hope you're n-not hurt.
Taro:uhhhh
Oh my god her face that is the cutest face ive ever seen I move quickly to allay her concern.
Taro: no it's alright there is no need to apologize it was my fault I shouldn't have been running.
Taro:I'm the one who should be apologizing.
Naomi: okay, can we get going now?
Hanako: yes
Taro:ah wait,I was just wondering what is your name?
Hanako: h-Hanako
Taro:Hanako huh?
Naomi: and my name is naomi.
Taro: you're not from around here are you?
Hanako:n-no
Taro:I thought so I couldn't help but hear that you don't have a place to stay before I was so rudely crash tackled.
I shoot a sharp glare at naomi
In which she replies with a sneer
Taro: anyway if you don't have a place to stay you could stay at my apartment.
Hanako blushes a deep red while Naomi gets an angrier look on her face
Taro: that probably sounded worse than it was
Naomi:we are going to wait for someone cancels their room at one of the hotels, we will never stay with a pervert like you!
Taro: i was just being nice, well if you change your mind this is my address
I quickly scribble down my address details
Which I pass to hanako as she gingerly takes how fingers touch for the briefest of times though it's enough to send my heart racing and put me into a daze we say our farewells naomi's a bit angrier than normal and Hanako's as sweet and timid to be expected of her.
As I walk home with my second lot of dinner tonight,the first being cruelly destroyed by my second encounter with the mysterious Hanako and the ever so rude Naomi the night has started to creep In swell as the nice evening breeze, as I walk in silence my mind drifts back to that moment hanako and I shared accidental though it may have been I can't help thinking there was something more.
At last I'm home I walk in the door,kick off my shoes put my food on the table and dig in I wolf it down with unusual angst with the excitement from before and being kicked out of school I'm more than hungry to eat this bland item
After dinner I crack open one of my many books from the corner of the room and read for a while but still wondering if hanako and Naomi will make an appearance.
The time is now 11 pm I don't think they are coming as I go to bed I can't help but being saddened,now I lay in bed the night beckoning me to sleep zzzzzzz
BANG BANG BANG
Taro: dammit! What time is it?
I look over at the blurry numbers on my clock
Taro: twelve.... Forty six
Taro: who in their right mind would be here at this time of night
I get from my warm and comfortable bed to go answer the door
Taro: who ever it is, it better be good
BANG BANG BANG
Taro:alright I'm coming
Naomi: maybe he's not here
I hear the muffled voices from outside the door, wait that's.... No way
I swing open the door to see two tired girls with suitcase in hand
taro: oh, hi i didnt think you were coming.
naomi:we wernt but nobody cancelled their rooms so this was really our only option.
taro: well im glad you came here instead of staying somewhere you didnt know-
taro: that sounded really silly considering you have only met me twice in one day but still.
naomi: anyway can we come in? ummm
taro: i right i still havnt introduced myself my name is taro,taro tanaka
taro: but feel free to call me by my first name.
naomi: sure
as the two girls walk into my apartment hanako stumbles a little and nearly drops her suitcase
taro: hey are you alright, i can take that for you if you want,
hanako: i-ts f fine, i h-have it
taro:ok then, if you're sure
as we enter the small apartment it hits me that i only have 1 bed
taro: oh right um i only have 1 bed so you two will have to share it is that allright?
naomi:i dont mind, hanako?
hanako nods her head in aproval
hanako: w-wait if y-you only have 1 b-bed where w-will you s-sleep
taro: oh, i'll take the floor i guess
hanako:B-But you'll catch a cold!
taro: hahahaha its fine, ive slept in worse places
as my mind drifts back to the past with a sad look upon my face the two girl stand there with a curious look
taro: anyway,let me show you where everything is
taro: aaand here is the balcony
taro: i hope you like it, wow its 1 am,i've gotta go to bed have to look for work in the morning, goodnight
naomi:night
hanako:G-goognight
-scene change-
i wake up to two high pitched voices
taro: ugh,oww, never sleeping on the floor again
i look up to find to girls sitting at the low table as the memories of yesterday and last night or should i say this morning
taro: good morning
naomi: morning
hanako:g-good morning
taro: did you sleep well?
hanako nods as naomi gives me a look that she barely acknowledges that im even here
taro: that's good
the girl's talk between themselves while i sort out breakfast
taro: here you go bacon,eggs and toast
hanako:l-looks great, t-thank you.
taro: its no problem, its the least i could do
naomi:what are you talking about you're already let us stay with you
taro: thats true but im trying to be hospitable to my guest's
taro: also i was kind of wondering
naomi:yes?
taro: what exactly are you two doing here?
naomi:you invited us here remember?
taro: that's not what i meant
taro: you two didnt run away from home did you?
naomi:what? no what you that idea?
taro: i just thought, i dont know i was just hoping you weren't running from you're parents or something
hanako:parents.....
hanako's face is one of pain loneliness as here memories come rushing back
taro: hey hanako are you alright?
naomi: oh right what the time?
taro: ummm ten past eight

there it is i really hope you like it also i really need feed back on whether you think hanako and naomi staying at taro's house would actually be plausible and yes the writing for hanako sucks the most i dont exactly know how to write for her

Bi-Polar Hernandez
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Re: second game

Post by Bi-Polar Hernandez » Wed May 09, 2012 12:31 am

No.

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Vekter
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Re: second game

Post by Vekter » Wed May 09, 2012 12:36 am

No writing in script, please work on your grammar, always have a proofreader, read some other fics before trying again buddy.

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DanjaDoom
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Re: second game

Post by DanjaDoom » Wed May 09, 2012 1:01 am

Oh boy...
My fine literary endeavors: Real, M&M, Rat Race, and Hideaki: A Tale of Manliness. Feel free to stroke my ego and read them.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey-Sanic

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bronko
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Re: second game

Post by bronko » Wed May 09, 2012 2:21 am

Bi-Polar Hernandez wrote:No.
DanjaDoom wrote:Oh boy...
It's kind of unfair to expect a 100% faultless professional story from everyone who just wants to write down a bit.

@katawabloke
Vekter is right though. Reading some fanfics here will get you an idea of how you can do it.
Image
I apologize for any grammatical and spelling mistake I may do. English is not my native language.

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DanjaDoom
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Re: second game

Post by DanjaDoom » Wed May 09, 2012 2:28 am

bronko wrote:
@katawabloke
Vekter is right though. Reading some fanfics here will get you an idea of how you can do it.
Quick everyone, now's the time to plug your stories!

I kid, I kid.
My fine literary endeavors: Real, M&M, Rat Race, and Hideaki: A Tale of Manliness. Feel free to stroke my ego and read them.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey-Sanic

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: second game

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed May 09, 2012 6:28 am

Tell you what: I will read your story as soon as you see fit to use any kind of punctuation at all and at least try to use capitalization where appropriate. In this state your story is not even fit to be proofread.
Last edited by Mirage_GSM on Wed May 09, 2012 6:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Roamin12
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Re: second game

Post by Roamin12 » Wed May 09, 2012 4:27 pm

Writing in script is never a good idea.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Tell you what: I wil read your story as soon as you see fit to use any kind of punctuation at all and at least try to use capitalization where appropriate. In this state your story is not even fit to be proofread.
As much as I hate giving saying things like that, I have to agree with Mirage on this one. My grammar may not be the best either, but I couldn't even read this half-way through before I was sick of the awful grammar.
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

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