KS: Bloodline (Act 2: Chapter Three 2/11)

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Ten 7/7/12)

Post by atw_ah » Sat Jul 07, 2012 3:13 am

I almost didn't write this chapter today. I was drawn towards writing another, non-Bloodline-related, story, but more on that later. I've wanted to get this chapter out of the way for a while a now. The idea came to me randomly when I was driving to school a month ago and it's been on the back-burner ever since. I'm kinda surprised that I've actually stuck with Bloodline for this long, I thank everyone who has read it and I especially thank those of you who give me feedback about each release. Enjoy!

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Chapter Ten: Life Gamble

It's cold. Darkness surrounds me and I'm all alone.

Well, not really. Mentally, I'm a thousand miles away from here in a cold, barren wasteland with nothing but my thoughts. Physically, I'm sitting in a dark room filled with two dozen other people.

From the perspective of a passersby, this would seem like a very strange situation. Truth be told, it is a strange situation, we aren't supposed to be sitting here in the dark. There's a terrible storm outside and Yamaku's back-up generators weren't as reliable as we had hoped. We went through most of the day just fine but in the last class of the day, the power went out.

The English teacher sighs as he rubs the back of his head. "Ok, I guess we'll just call it quits here. No point in trying to read in the dark." Before he walks out the door, he gives us a practiced warning about going outside in this weather and how we should try our best to keep dry and warm.

Once he leaves the room, everyone starts talking about their plans for the rest of the day. Despite the warning, I hear many people planning to go to the small town that's just downhill from the school.

I haven't had a chance to check that place out yet. If only it wasn't raining today.

A tap on my shoulder pulls me from my thoughts. As soon as I face the person seeking my attention, I immediately notice two things: Hakamichi wants to say something to me and she has a very devious smile on her face.

Fully expecting another recruiting attempt, I reluctantly answer her. "What is Hakamichi?"

"I was wondering if you had any plans today?"

I glance out the window to see if the storm has signs of letting up anytime soon. It does not. "No, whatever I may have had planned seems to have gotten rained out."

A light suddenly comes from her hand and quickly disappears before she replies. "So you're free then? Great! Come on lets go to the Student Council Room!" She quickly grabs my arm and starts pulling me towards the door.

A little more direct today than usual aren't we?

Hakamichi isn't particularly strong so I'm able free myself from her grasp. "Don't tell me this is just another one your recruitment attempts. I already told you I'm not interested"

She frowns and puts her hands on her hips. "Why do you always think that I'm trying to make you join the Student Council?"

"Because you always are. In fact, every time we've talked, you've tried to get me to join."

She crosses her arms and tilts her head to the side to contemplate this revelation. "Hm, ok that might be true, but this time is different."

"Right," I sarcastically reply.

"It really is! I promise!"

I grab my things and start making my way towards the door. Hakamichi quickly steps in front of me to block my path. "Come on, Yaso! I just thought you might want to play a game with me."

I raise my eyebrow questioningly.

Hakamichi steps out of the way to allow another student to get past her. Once cleared, she retakes her position to keep me from going anywhere. "The power's still out so there wouldn't be much else to do. We have some flashlights in the Student Council Room so we can play even though it's dark. So how about it?"

It does sound like a better alternate than just going back to my room. But having to go to the Student Council Room seems more like a trap.

"No thanks," I reply as I walk past her and out the door.

She lets out a deep sigh and shrugs her shoulders as I walk towards the hall. "What a shame. We could have done this the easy way."

After only taking one step into the hallway, I feel a heavy hand fall on my shoulder. Its grip is enough to keep me from going anywhere.

"Sup Atoza, looks like you're going my way." A smiling Hanamaru greets me while not taking his hand off my shoulder.

"Since you and Ryo have started getting along, I thought it'd be a good idea to spend some time together. And what better way to do that than to play a game together, right?" Hakamichi marches out the door as if she were a general who had just won a war. "All right boys, let's go!"

Hanamaru 'escorts' me as Hakamichi leads the way downstairs. I notice the looks on the faces of the students we pass. Though they all look different, they all say the same thing: "I feel sorry for him."

Once Hakamichi is a little bit away from us, I lean back and whisper to Hanamaru. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"It's my job to do as the Class President says." His expression is cold and serious. "She texted me with instructions to wait by the door to catch you if you tried to leave."

I stare at him for a few moments with disbelief. "How long were you waiting there?"

"That's not important."

He's fallen head over heels for a girl that treats him like a dog. Oh, how I pity you.

"Hanamaru, let me go and I promise that I'll help you and the President get together."

The grip on my shoulder grows tighter and he flatly answers, "I'm not letting you go."

I've come to learn something about Hanamaru these few days. When he's by himself, he can be extremely emotional and reactive to anything around him. But whenever he's near Hakamichi, he becomes so serious that it becomes next to impossible to get him to act recklessly. When he's like that, I can't blackmail him.

The Student Council Room is a lot bigger than I imagined. It's about the size of any other classroom but instead of being filled with desk for the students, it's full of file cabinets and large tables used for work.

I'm 'kindly' directed to take a seat at small table. Hakamichi takes the seat in front of me while Hanamaru takes out an electric lantern to help light the room.

She takes the lantern and places it in the middle of the table. "So Yaso, what game do you want to play?"

"I thought you already had something in mind. I mean, why else would you drag me here if you didn't have a plan?"

"I do have an idea about what to play but it helps if you make a suggestion."

"Would the suggestion of not playing anything be considered?"

"No."

With some instructions from Hakamichi, Hanamaru starts digging through a cabinet pulling out boxes of many different board games.

"Hakamich-," I begin to speak but a glare from Hanamaru stops me. "I mean, Miss President, why are you so dead set in making me play a game with you?"

She takes a long look at Hanamaru before turning to me to answer. "You know how you've avoided giving me an answer about the Student Council?"

I haven't been avoiding an answer. I've been saying 'no' this whole time.

She takes my silence as a confirmation. "I just thought that maybe we could put this to rest today."

I furrow my brow, I don't like where this is going.

Hanamaru places a giant stack of board games on a nearby table. "She's been planning this for a while now. We pegged you as the kind of guy that would rather deal with things directly instead of waiting for things to eventually settle themselves."

I lean forward on the table and rest my chin on the surface of my palm. "Just what exactly do you two plan on doing?"

"Wahahaha~! It's a once-in-a-life time chance." She holds up her index finger in the air, "One game, any game, one-on-one. The loser has to do one thing that winner tells him to do, no questions asked."

I stare at her wide-eyed. "You're kidding right? What kind of childish game is that?"

"It's actually a very simple solution to our little problem," Hanamaru quickly begins explaining. "If you win the game, then you can ask the Class President to do one thing for you and vice versa. The request can be anything you want, even something..." The rest of his words are mumbled but easy to guess why he couldn't say it.

Hakamichi looks at him with a questioning look. "Hey, don't give him any ideas. He only gets one chance to ask me to do anything, I want to see what he can come up with."

Knowing her, she'll probably make me join the Student Council. Though if I win, I can make her stop trying to recruit me. It does seem promising but any game we play will be stacked in her favor. If only I can find something fair.

The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of this game. Even if I said no, Hanamaru would probably block my exit until I agreed to play. "Ok, I accept your challenge, but with one condition: I get to choose what game we play."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." She smiles as she points to the stack of games, "Ryo can help explain any game that you might be unfamiliar with, so take your pick."

I take a look at the pile. The first box I see is a game called Risk. Hanamaru explains that it's a world domination type game where both players are in control of an army whose ultimate goal is to wipe out the opponent. A strategy game basically, I decide against that one. Next is a game I'm a little more familiar with Monopoly. It'll take too long and is more luck than anything else. Chess, Checkers, Backgammon, Go, Blackjack, some weird thing called Heroscape, they all seem exploitable by Hakamichi. I want to play a game on an even ground but nothing here would allow it. I guess a game based on luck would be my best bet but I don't want to leave it completely out of my control.

"Have you made up your mind yet. At this rate, it'll be dinnertime before we play." Hakamichi stretches in her seat.

"Just a moment, Miss President, I've almost got it."

Hanamaru leans in and whispers in my ear. "You are taking a long time, you do know that right?"

"Shush, I don't need to hear that from you too. I just can't decide on a game that'll be fair."

He reaches into his pocket a pulls out a coin. "Why don't you just leave it to chance. One coin toss, winner take all, no regrets."

That may be my safest bet. A 50/50 chance for either of us winning.

Hanamaru flips the coin as a demonstration that it'll be a fair game. I'm almost convinced until the coin bounces off of his hand and slides under a cabinet. The way he quietly stares at where the coin went signifies that it was his only coin.

"Were you planning on doing a coin toss? How lame." Hakamichi covers her mouth as she yawns.

She's trying to bait me. She wants me to hurry up and choose something without thinking so that she can easily win. There has to be something that's quick, simple and won't give her an advantage. Wait a minute, that's it!

I quickly make my decision and head back to the small table. Once I take my seat I set down a deck of cards in front of both of us. "This is want we'll play."

"A card game?" A toothy smile starts to form on her face. "What game is it?"

"It's a simple game of chance. High card!" I can see Hakamichi's smile drop slightly. "This way it'll be a fair for both of us. We each draw card and the one with the highest card is the winner."

I hand the deck to Hanamaru to shuffle. "I'll let you draw the first card, Miss President. Aces are the lowest and kings are the highest, the suit doesn't matter."

Granted, it's not the most exciting games to play but at the very least it'll give us a level playing field.

Hanamaru hands her the deck. She stares at me for a moment before taking a card off the top. "I thought you'd want to do something more complex. Oh well." She takes a look at her card and smiles. "How fitting, the four of clubs. It's the lucky four-leaf clover. Your turn~!"

Perfect! A four is easy to beat. Hakamichi will be out of my hair in no time.

I'm handed the deck and take a card from the middle. Hanamaru takes the rest of the cards while I lay the card I drew face down in front of me. Everything rides on this one card. Everyone is quiet, the rain can be heard as it falls from the sky. It's the moment of truth. I take the card in my hand and flip it.

The ace of spades. The death card.

God damnit...

"Wahaha~! According to your rules, the aces are the lowest so that means I win!" She lifts her arms in the air in a celebratory manner.

I slowly slump down and a rest my head in my arms.

I know what's coming next...

"Okay! I already know what my one request will be."

I look out the window, expecting thunder to be heard.

"Hey Yaso," she pokes my head to get my attention. "Come on look at me when I make this request."

I sigh, "What is it Miss President?"

Hakamichi stares straight into my eyes and only says one word. "Kamiko"

I'm stunned into silence.

She takes her finger and points to herself. "Kamiko is my first name." She then points to Hanamaru, "His first name is Ryo. We're friends aren't we, so you don't have to call us by our last names or titles. My request is for you to stop being so distant and formal."

"W-what are you talking about?"

Hanamaru chimes in as well, "This school is full of restrictions but it doesn't stop us from getting close to one another. So there's no need for us to try to isolate ourselves with our mannerisms."

I wasn't expecting this. They're both smiling and being sincere with me. I've always called people by their last names because I didn't feel the need to get close to them. By only using their family name, it was as if I clearly define how close I wanted them to get. These two, however, saw that and challenged me about it.

"Why a-are you doing this?"

Hakami- no, Kamiko, stands up from her seat and walks to the center of the room. "I would say that it's my duty as Class President to advocate unity in the student body, but that wouldn't be completely honest." She turns to me and smiles, "We sit next to each other in class, we work together in groups, and can even spend some time playing a game in the middle of a power outage. I consider you a friend Yaso, so please don't hesitate to think of us the same way."

I was expecting her to make me join the Student Council, not this. I can't help but laugh at this situation.

Ryo raises an eyebrow, "What's so funny?"

I can't say anything, I just keep laughing until my eyes tear up. My laughter proves infectious because they both join in.

It was a honest laugh, filled with nothing but bliss.

Eventually I manage to settle down and catch my breath, "This whole time," I wipe away the tears in my eyes. "This whole time I was expecting you to force me to join the Student Council with your request and yet, you use it on something like this."

She puffs her cheeks and pouts, "I wouldn't force you to join, it has to be your choice. I've just been trying to persuade you."

I chuckle at her antics. "You're not very persuasive then."

"She does tend to get carried away sometimes." Ryo remark earns him a nasty glare.

She looks back at me, expectantly waiting for something. "Well, what do you think about my request?"

I stand up from seat and make my way towards the center of the room. Both of them stare at me as I extend my hand and smile. "I have no objections with your request, Kamiko."

She returns my smile and enthusiastically shakes my hand, "I'm glad to hear that Yaso!"

The rest of the rainy day is spent playing the many games that are in the Student Council Room. The lights finally turn on during our second game of Risk. Preferring playing by the lantern's light, we turn off the main lights and continue until it's time for dinner. We eventually go our separate ways and I return to my room to get some rest.

Maybe I'm wrong about the people I've met, maybe they aren't so bad after all.

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*Next Chapter*

I've never liked referring to people by their last name. Unless it's really unique, I'll call everyone by their first name or a nickname, if they prefer. I had Yaso call everyone by their last name up to this point because I wanted to use the Hakamichi name to help transition the audience into new territories by using familiar things. Now that I'm nearing the end of the first act, I'm starting to break away from the old established norms and show more of what I have to offer. There's always a method to my madness :mrgreen: ! Criticism is welcomed.
Last edited by atw_ah on Sat Aug 25, 2012 10:04 pm, edited 3 times in total.
KS: Bloodline The story of Yaso Atoza, 24 years after the events in KS.
Nomad: A Hanako Tale Hanako's search for her own personal paradise, ten years after KS.

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Ten 7/7/12)

Post by Ascended Flutist » Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:55 am

Spotted a few mistakes in the begining. missing prepositions like 'of', that sort of thing.

As for the fic proper...

Ffffuck this was good! The power outage, the rain outside giving an impression of inviting shelter to the council room (although this is all meta, that's the impression I got), the tension of choosing the game, the card thing, and the request, yeah, this was the best fic I've read in a while mate. Tension building was top notch, not overdone, not rushed out, the surprising nature of the request made it all the better.
Yeah! Yeah. Well done, really. Well. Done.
And to live in Peace A post Hanako Good End fanfiction. That about sums it up.

Fanfics Thou shalt not regret reading : Bloodline, Doomish's Misha Pseudo-route, Rika's Story, A Pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route.
There are many other apocryphas worth reading in the fanfiction section. Do yourself a favor, dig them up and read them. Reading is good.

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Ten 7/7/12)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:11 am

Agree it was a well-written chapter - even if the loser-has-to-do-anything game is sligtly overused by now...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Ten 7/7/12)

Post by JTemby » Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:20 am

atw_ah wrote:Criticism is welcomed.
So criticism shall be given! :mrgreen:
No flaws are sticking out like a sore thumb, which is typically a good sign. -giggles-
It's a cute story, I'm finding Yaso a somewhat relatable character... As for the rest of the characters, it's adorable how tightly they resemble the characters from the original generation, although I can't say thats an entirely positive thing as the though of "Whose this character supposed to remind me off" is distracting me from the unfolding story, but not to worry, you're story is engaging enough that the distractions are minimal.
Keep up the nice work. -Thumbs up-

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atw_ah
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Ten 7/7/12)

Post by atw_ah » Tue Jul 10, 2012 4:25 pm

Ascended Flutist, Mirage_GSM, JTemby wrote: Compliments for days :lol: .
I love the immediate gratification I get from writing each chapter. It feels good to read all the positive comments.
Ascended Flutist wrote:Spotted a few mistakes in the begining. missing prepositions like 'of', that sort of thing.
Damn, I try to proofread each of my chapters before I post it, but somethings still manage to get by.
Mirage_GSM wrote:... even if the loser-has-to-do-anything game is sligtly overused by now...
Yeah, I realized that. However, I still enjoyed writing the scene out that way. I probably could used something else but then the surprise at the end wouldn't have worked so well.
JTemby wrote: As for the rest of the characters, it's adorable how tightly they resemble the characters from the original generation, although I can't say thats an entirely positive thing as the though of "Whose this character supposed to remind me off" is distracting me from the unfolding story, but not to worry, you're story is engaging enough that the distractions are minimal.
I'm not sure if I've said this before, but this is mostly intentional. Since the story is from Yaso's perspective he's sees the characters as they are on the outside. Since he hasn't tried to get close to them yet, he doesn't know who they really are. Some of the characters act certain ways for specific reasons which will be revealed later. I can't spoil anything now.
--------

Now for something more important than just replying to the feedback from Chapter Ten.
I've got good news and bad news.
The good news is that I've already started working on Chapter Eleven and Chapter Twelve. The former already has about a fourth of it done, while the latter has a pretty detailed outline for what will happen. Chapter Twelve is going to be a LOT longer than any of the previous chapters, so look forward to that.
The bad news is that Chapter Eleven won't be released until late next week. I'm going on vacation tomorrow and I won't have the luxury of taking my laptop with me to write. So everything that I'm currently working on is going to put on hold until I get back. I originally wanted to release the next chapter today and then release the Act 1 finale when I get back but in order to do that I would have to rush, which would cause a drop in quality that I don't want.
I'll still be around, but I won't be able to release anything. Have patience my friends, I'll have Act 1 finished before the month is done.

P.S.: I just realized that it's actually kind of easy to guess what Chapter Eleven is going to involve. I've dropped a couple of hints already in previous chapters.
KS: Bloodline The story of Yaso Atoza, 24 years after the events in KS.
Nomad: A Hanako Tale Hanako's search for her own personal paradise, ten years after KS.

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by atw_ah » Sat Jul 21, 2012 10:57 pm

Hello, everybody! I'm back from my vacation and I have a new chapter ready. It was nice to be away from everything for a while. It let me recharge and reorganize my thoughts for this story and others. Now without further ado, I give you...

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Chapter Eleven: Out and About

Oh, good God.

I've forgotten how long the school week can seem. I can barely stay awake as the teacher drones on and on about something that I've lost interest in a long time ago. Saturdays are only a half day but it's still almost unbearable.

I'm only this way because Kamiko isn't next to me to scold me every time I start to doze off. She must have had some Student Council work to do since she didn't even bother to show up today.

I look out the window and see that the sky is still somewhat gray. The storm let up late last night but it was still overcast in the morning. There have been some drizzles every so often but it's nothing compared to what we had yesterday.

The teacher's lecture is cut short when the bell interrupts her. After a reminder of what assignments are due for Monday, she takes her leave and everyone begins packing. I slowly get out of my seat and stretch. Strange, I don't feel so tired anymore.

Finally, I can stop worrying about school for a while. But I don't know what to do with myself for the rest of the day.

As I start making my way out the door, I feel a hand grab on to my arm and slowly wrap around it. "Yaso! Do you want to head out now?"

Amaya Mori holds on to me and looks into my eyes with an small, innocent smile on her face.

"W-what are you talking about?" I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. I've never been used to causal contact and with Amaya practically hugging my arm, I'm well out of my comfort zone.

Her smile drops and is replaced with an annoyed expression. "You forgot didn't you?"

"Forgot what?"

"Our date."

"I've been meaning to ask you about t-that. When did we set up a d-date?"

She lets go of my arm to put her hands behind her back. She stands on her tip-toes and grins, "The day we first met! I told you I was free on Saturday when you asked me out."

"But I didn't-" She covers my mouth with her hand.

"It was implied." She tilts her head to the side, "Well, at least it was from Kamiko. Anyways, I been looking forward to it, so don't back out."

I'm sensing a pattern here. When did I become such a push-over that girls can make me do anything they want?

"Okay, okay," I sigh. "Though, I don't know what we can do today."

"Hm," she puts her finger to her chin. "Since you're new here, you haven't gone to town yet, right?"

I shake my head.

"Okay, that's what we'll do! Let me drop off my stuff and then meet me by the front gate." She runs off before I even have a chance to reply.

Wait, did I just agree to go on a date with Amaya? Does she mean a date-date? Great, just when I thought I could relax.

Not fifteen minutes later, I find myself waiting by the front gate. The breeze is gentle but also bit chilly. I grip the edges of the school blazer to try to keep some warmth inside of it. After a few moments of watching my breath come out of my mouth, I see Amaya walk up. She's still dressed in her uniform but she's added boots, an oversized green sweater and a long, grey scarf.

"You're going down in that? Won't you be cold?" she asks.

"It's not that cold and besides the town isn't that far, right?"

"Well no, but it's still a bit of a walk."

We start our descent in silence, partly because Amaya can't look at me and safely walk forward and also because I'm admiring the calm surroundings. The area around Yamaku is surprisingly serene. I guess it's the perfect place to build a school for the disabled, away from everything and isolated from the rest of the world...

Okay, that sounds a little darker than it should.

I shake my head to get rid of that thought.

"Hm?" Amaya turns to face me, "Is something wrong?"

"No, I was just thinking about Yamaku and where it's built. This area is pretty peaceful, isn't it?"

She smiles, "I know, right? I love it here. Though I prefer when it's not raining because then I don't have a chance to practice my shots."

That brings up an interesting thought.

"You said anyone can join the Archery Club as long as their disability doesn't get the way, correct? I was just wondering how you... uh..." I stumble with my words until I slowly go quiet.

"You've never met an one-eyed archer I take it." She giggles as she points to a building that can be seen in the distance. "Ok, I want you to make an O with your hand and put that building in the middle of it."

I do as she tells me but find it slightly difficult to decide what counts as the middle of the O.

"Having trouble?"

"Yeah, I'm not sure which image to focus on. My hand or the building, one's in focus while the other one is split into two."

She giggles again. "It's much easier if you close one eye."

Once again I do as she says and find it much easier to put the building in the middle of the O.

"There I've got it."

"Are you sure? Don't move your hand and switch to your other eye. Now what do you see?"

"I'm way off again." I put my hand down and open both eyes. "Okay I get it, it's easier for you to aim because you don't have to worry about the split images."

She tilts her head to one side and then to the other. "Yes and no. I don't have to worry about split images but I also don't have to question what's in front of me. I know that what I looking at is right there and not a trick of perspective." She makes the motions of holding a bow and pulling back the string to fire an arrow. "Find your target and go full force."

Going full force? Somehow I can't imagine Amaya being any other way.

"I can see how works for you." I say aloud without thinking.

She crosses her arms in front of her, making an x. "Wrong! I know what you're thinking and you're wrong."

I give her a questioning gaze, "Wrong? What am I wrong about?"

She turns her back to me and continues walking down hill. "You're probably think along the lines of: 'Oh I guess she goes full force with everything and that lead her to going on a date with me'."

Her impression of me is rather off putting. She makes me sound as if I had the speech patterns of a eight year old, though she is right about what I was thinking. How does she keep doing that?

Amaya puts her hands on her hips. "You're misunderstanding my intentions. I hate to break it to you but I'm not interested in you. You're just not my type."

I don't know whether or not I should feel disappointed about that.

"Then why go through all the trouble?"

She shrugs her shoulders, "It's your first weekend here, I figured you needed something to do."

"And what about calling this a date?"

She laughs at my question, "It's a friend-date!"

My hand quickly makes its way to my forehead. This whole time I've been worried that I'd have act a certain way since she'd be expecting me to. Now that I know that she doesn't have any specific expectations with how this day will turn out, I can relax a bit more.

"What's with that reaction? Did you really think that this was a romantic situation?" She starts giggling, "If I was really expecting something, I wouldn't have gone with you. I would have gone with a certain someone."

Oh no, I don't need to hear about this.

"Ah~," she wraps her arms around her body, as if giving herself hug. "If only I could convince Mr. Nakai to join me one day."

"Isn't he far too old for you? He's probably married and has a kid by now."

She holds out her hand and points to her ring finger. "I know for a fact that he isn't married anymore."

"Anymore?"

She rubs the base of her finger. "He's divorced. Haven't you seen how he does this. It's because he used to wear a ring and now he doesn't."

"Oh come on," I scoff at her conclusion. "He could be doing that for any number of reasons. It doesn't have to mean that."

She turns to face me and looks me straight in the eyes. She doesn't say anything and just keeps staring at me. It's a little unnerving.

After a few moments, she turns around and starts walking again.

"W-what was that about?"

Without turning to face me, she answers. "You left eye starts to twitch when you get nervous."

I quickly reach for my eye to see as if I could confirm it. I can't. "What's that have to do with anything."

"You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up on what a person is thinking when you take into account all of the nervous habits they have." She scowls at me, "You make this face whenever you start thinking hard about something that has just been said."

I don't look that ridiculous do I?

"Ok, maybe I exaggerated a bit. But it's true." She manages to say after a fit of giggles.

"So what? Just because he does that, it doesn't automatically mean he's divorced."

She looks around the area for a moment. After making sure that no one else is around she lets out a deep breath. "He does that whenever one of two topics are being talked about. The first is his past and family."

Did he do that when we talked on the track? I don't remember looking at his hands back then.

"Then only other time that he does it is when someone talks about Midori Kagami."

There she is again. Another person that links Nakai with Midori.

"What does she have to do with anything?" I ask.

She shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know much about her. She tends to avoid other people. The only time someone does see her outside of class is when she's talking to Mr. Nakai. Some people have even seen them go into an empty classroom together during lunch and after classes are over."

"So what does that mean?"

"Think about it. Nakai is a divorced man and Midori is a recluse that only opens up to him. They spend a lot of time alone together and then never talk to each other in public. They stay in an empty classroom until late at night. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out." Her tone becomes bitter with each word being said. It's obvious that she doesn't like to talk about Midori.

With the mood of our conversation becoming more sour by the second, I quickly try to find something to change the subject. Noticing that we are almost in the town, I decide to ask about what's nearby.

Amaya accepts this change of subject and the mood slowly goes back to being light-hearted as it once was.

After a quick tour of the town, we buy some food from the mini-mart and sit down at a nearby park.

"So what do you think? I'm a great tour guide, aren't I?" She asks with a huge grin.

"Ok, I admit, you're pretty good. I wouldn't have come to the town unless someone showed me where everything was."

"Yamaku sponsors a tour of the town and nearby city. But it's far too boring and restrictive. It's much better to have a friend show you around."

"You've been on that tour?"

She nods, "I took it when I started."

I finish off my drink and throw it in the trash. "When was that?"

"I've been at Yamaku since the start of high school." She points to her eye patch, "I've had this for a few years before then, so it was obvious that I was coming here."

It's a wonder at how easily she can address her lost eye and how openly she wears her eye patch. She has no problem showing it to the world, while I'm embarrassed to show my left hand. I wonder how long it'll take me to get use to it.

She starts poking me in the side. "Hey, you're scowling again. Don't feel bad if you're not comfortable talking about what happened to you. It'll get easier with time."

My phone suddenly rings, stopping me from responding to Amaya. I take out my phone to see who it is.

It's a text message. I excuse myself while I begin reading.

Oh swell.

I put my phone back in my pocket and stand up. As I try to brush away the moisture on my pants, Amaya finishes the rest of her drink and stands up with me.

"Is something the matter?" she asks with a concerned tone.

"No, nothing is wrong. It's just- Could you show me where the Shanghai is before we head back."

"Sure." She seems unconvinced that nothing is wrong but we begin walking anyways.

After another walk around town and making sure that I know how to get to the Shanghai, we make our way back to school. After our saying goodbyes, I head back to my dorm. I'm a little tired from the walk in town so I decide to get some go to sleep early.

After a quick shower and changing into my pajamas, I take one more look at the text message I received earlier today. It reads:

"Hey Little Brother, how are you doing? I hope that you're enjoying your new school. Mom and Dad have been really busy lately so they didn't have much free time to call you. So to make up for not calling you this week, I'm going to visit tomorrow! I read online that there's a popular tea house call the Shanghai in the town. You like tea right? Let's meet up at about 2:00. See you tomorrow."

Great, just great. He's coming for a visit. He's the last person I wanted to see.

I set my alarm to wake me up early tomorrow morning. It's better to wake up early and enjoy the little I have of my day instead of waking up late and going straight there.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

--------

*Next Chapter*

And so Act 1 comes to a close in the next chapter. I don't really have much to say right here this time around, so.... uh... yeah...
Last edited by atw_ah on Sat Aug 25, 2012 10:05 pm, edited 4 times in total.
KS: Bloodline The story of Yaso Atoza, 24 years after the events in KS.
Nomad: A Hanako Tale Hanako's search for her own personal paradise, ten years after KS.

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by LOL WUT » Sun Jul 22, 2012 12:54 am

You are an Ass Face, you know that?
With each new part we learn more about Hisao, and we progress into Yaso 's life, and then
BAM
Part is over and I have to wait for the next one.
You Cock Tease.

But otherwise good story and you leave me with a lot of curiosity for the next chapter.
That's good writting skills if you want to hook someone on the story and then reel them in for the next part, until it all just ends.

Note: ignore everything on the first part of my post. Just stick with the complements before someone yells at me for being mean.
Xanatos I'm Sorry.
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by JTemby » Sun Jul 22, 2012 3:10 pm

LOL WUT wrote:You are an Ass Face, you know that?
With each new part we learn more about Hisao, and we progress into Yaso 's life, and then
BAM
Part is over and I have to wait for the next one.
You Cock Tease.

Note: ignore everything on the first part of my post. Just stick with the complements before someone yells at me for being mean.
LOLWUT! You're so mean!
-Giggles-

Anyway... Nice chapter Atw_ah.
I'm starting to see where your plot is going... Which, considering my track record of failing to notice the obvious, may not be such a good thing (I'm really sorry, I feel like I'm picking on you :cry:), but I'm REALLY hoping I'm still a complete thickhead and that you'll end up surprising the shit outta me.
Consider me intrigued, unless I said that in my last comment... In which case, consider me doubly intrigued.

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by Ascended Flutist » Mon Jul 23, 2012 4:56 pm

LOL WUT wrote:You are an Ass Face, you know that?
With each new part we learn more about Hisao, and we progress into Yaso 's life, and then
BAM
Part is over and I have to wait for the next one.
You Cock Tease.
Why are you quoting what's on my mind verbatim? N'wahs are not welcome inside my head. Pls get out of my mind. Thank you.
Anyway.

Bloody Japanese and their same-sounding names! You're doing an excellent job of recalling my feeble brain who's who, so kudos for that. Now let's see if I got it right.

Amaya Mori is the fierce one-eyed archer and a psychic spy, might as well be the love child of Artemis and a cyclop. How fitting.

Kamiko Hakamichi is the kind-hearted (!) blend and possibly daughter (!!) of Misha and Shizune. Also Council Prez, but that surprises no one.

Midori Kagami is the doomed-to-be-blind girl we know fuck all about, except she squats the Peaceful Room™ and may or may not have some liaisons dangereuses with a certain Master of Romance.

Now don't mistake this for bitterness. I quite liked this chapter. Though I feel it sort of rushed to the end. I just like swearwords. They make me giggle inside and look cool. Maybe.

And an extra little quick as-I-read comment, because I like you:
Let's go on a date scene
Good job on reminding me of a part of the story my mind must've tossed away and replaced with random knowledge on electromagnetics. I mean it. :]
Going full force? Somehow I can't imagine Amaya being any other way.

"I can see how works for you." I say aloud without thinking.

She crosses her arms in front of her, making an x. "Wrong! I know what you're thinking and you're wrong."

I give her a questioning gaze, "Wrong? What am I wrong about?"

She turns her back to me and continues walking down hill. "You're probably think along the lines of: 'Oh I guess she goes full force with everything and that lead her to going on a date with me'."
Fucking pyschic feminist spies.
I hate to break it to you but I'm not interested in you. You're just not my type.
Aww. :(
"You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up on what a person is thinking when you take into account all of the nervous habits they have." She scowls at me, "You make this face whenever you start thinking hard about something that has just been said."
Nice trying to cover up her being a pyschic feminist spy. But I see through your lies.
There she is again. Another person that links Nakai with Midori.
The Plot thickens™
Hello! We are your family. We are here to ruin your day.
Called it! :D

Now have a good*yawn*night.
And to live in Peace A post Hanako Good End fanfiction. That about sums it up.

Fanfics Thou shalt not regret reading : Bloodline, Doomish's Misha Pseudo-route, Rika's Story, A Pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route.
There are many other apocryphas worth reading in the fanfiction section. Do yourself a favor, dig them up and read them. Reading is good.

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by LOL WUT » Mon Jul 23, 2012 5:28 pm

I hate to break it to you but I'm not interested in you. You're just not my type.
I don't know why but when I read that, I was reminded of this:
Image
Just replace the guy that is saying no with Hisao's head and there you go.
Perfect example of what happened in the scene.
Now have a good*yawn*night.
There is two reasons why you would be going to sleep at 4:56 pm.
Either you live in a different time zone,
or I am not the only person with a fucked up sleep schedule.
Xanatos I'm Sorry.
Xanatos wrote: I was totally going to include the leaf. Otherwise it's just a Ken(ji) doll because I can't model cocks from nothing.
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by atw_ah » Mon Jul 23, 2012 9:22 pm

LOL WUT wrote:You are an Ass Face, you know that?
:O
LOL WUT wrote: With each new part we learn more about Hisao, and we progress into Yaso 's life, and then
BAM
Part is over and I have to wait for the next one.
You Cock Tease.
>:)
JTemby wrote:I'm starting to see where your plot is going... Which, considering my track record of failing to notice the obvious, may not be such a good thing (I'm really sorry, I feel like I'm picking on you ), but I'm REALLY hoping I'm still a complete thickhead and that you'll end up surprising the shit outta me.
I do have a few things planned for the end of Act 1 and for the Act 2. I hope I don't disappoint.
Ascended Flutist wrote:Now don't mistake this for bitterness. I quite liked this chapter. Though I feel it sort of rushed to the end.
Yeah, that's kinda my fault. I wrote the first half of this chapter and some notes on how it'll end before I left for vacation. When I came back a week later, I found that I my notes on Amaya's dialogue and actions strongly contradicted her character. So I scrapped a good portion of it and reworked it. Unfortunately, it lead to the ending being rushed but it did give me an idea for something in Act 2.
Ascended Flutist wrote:And an extra little quick as-I-read comment, because I like you:
:'D
Ascended Flutist wrote:Good job on reminding me of a part of the story my mind must've tossed away and replaced with random knowledge on electromagnetics. I mean it. :]
Thanks, I try my best to pull not pull random stuff out of my ass. I like to pay attention to little details because it helps set up for chapters to come.
Ascended Flutist wrote:Fucking pyschic feminist spies.
My friend did that to me a couple times. While it is fun, it's a little scary how accurate she can be.
Ascended Flutist wrote:Aww. :(
Totally, not based on something that happened to me.... *sniff*
Ascended Flutist wrote:Nice trying to cover up her being a pyschic feminist spy. But I see through your lies.
You Sir(Ma'am?) have just given me an idea!
Ascended Flutist wrote:The Plot thickens™
Oh, you'll see. *Cue Sinister Laugh and Lightning*
Ascended Flutist wrote:Called it! :D
Not bad, not bad at all. You win a cookie!
LOL WUT wrote:I don't know why but when I read that, I was reminded of this:
*Rejection!*
Just replace the guy that is saying no with Hisao's head and there you go.
Perfect example of what happened in the scene.
Honestly, I spent a long time looking at that and laughing. If I could draw and animate, I would make it.
KS: Bloodline The story of Yaso Atoza, 24 years after the events in KS.
Nomad: A Hanako Tale Hanako's search for her own personal paradise, ten years after KS.

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Complete 8/1/12)

Post by atw_ah » Wed Aug 01, 2012 2:04 pm

Ok, so I failed to release this chapter by my self-imposed deadline. But come on, this chapter is three times longer than the longest chapter I've written so far. It took more time than I had originally planned. Frankly, I'm surprised I was only a day late. Anyway, a big thank you goes out to everyone who has read and enjoyed my strange little story. Though it's not complete yet, making it to the end of the first act is a milestone in and of itself. So let us celebrate and enjoy....

--------

Chapter Twelve: Family Bonds

*REMOVED BECAUSE IT WILL BE REWRITTEN*

Explanation!!

--------
Last edited by atw_ah on Fri Aug 03, 2012 5:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.
KS: Bloodline The story of Yaso Atoza, 24 years after the events in KS.
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Complete 8/1/12)

Post by LOL WUT » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:50 pm

Wow

So that was the big secrete?
I got to admit I was not expecting that.
Xanatos I'm Sorry.
Xanatos wrote: I was totally going to include the leaf. Otherwise it's just a Ken(ji) doll because I can't model cocks from nothing.
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Complete 8/1/12)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:25 pm

LOL WUT wrote:I got to admit I was not expecting that.
I got to admit that I did. Partly at least.
That she was Lilly's daughter was kind of obvious. I'd have put my money on Hisao being Kamiko's father and Midori's godfather or something like that.
More because of the name than anything else. The alias things is a bit fishy...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Complete 8/1/12)

Post by Ascended Flutist » Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:30 pm

atw_ah wrote:Ok, so I failed to release this chapter by my self-imposed deadline. But come on, this chapter is three times longer than the longest chapter I've written so far. It took more time than I had originally planned. Frankly, I'm surprised I was only a day late. Anyway, a big thank you goes out to everyone who has read and enjoyed my strange little story. Though it's not complete yet, making it to the end of the first act is a milestone in and of itself. So let us celebrate and enjoy....
Me and deadlines are in a state of cold war ever since I was introduced to them. Self-imposed are the worst. I feel you man.

Other than that...
Saperlipopette! C'est déjà Noël? Mind if I do my usual stuff? Your chapter looks quite long. I like them that way.
Anyway, let's do this.
Brother deal
Kinda hits home for personal reasons. Curious to see how you'll be handling it.
Damn it world. Why make today look so wonderful if it's just going to be full of shit?
Because God exists, He is a total douche and likes to play practical pranks only He and His Folks can enjoy. Guess that's all you really can do to spend time up here in heaven.
I actually believe that.
"No, it's nothing really. I'm just supposed to meet with my brother later today and I'm a bit worried about that."

"Why would meeting your brother worry you?"
None of us are perfect. I would have a hard time blaming you considering the sheer length of the stuff.
As I turn around I see a familiar face. It's one that I've only seen once when she woke me up when I fell asleep on a bench outside. She has wavy blonde hair and cloudy blue eyes. She's Lilly Satou, the blind English teacher for the second years.
Incoming Showdown?
Is secretly glad hints indicate it would maybe be Lilly.
Nurse hands me the small bag he was working on earlier. "Here, take this to Ryo Hanamaru. He's your neighbor and you owe him for bringing you here that day."
typo.
"Hey little brother, how's school treating you?" He's overly eager with me. He's cheerful attitude sounds fake and forced

Ugh, just hearing his voice is giving me a headache.
Terrific start! =D
The pit in my stomach is unbearable, I just want to scream at him. "Toshiro, I-I just w-want you to-."

"Um, excuse me." A new voice addresses us. It's a soft, feminine voice, one I haven't heard in a long time but remember well.
Momentous interruption! I really thought Yaso was going to flip his shit.
He's probably just welcoming the out Midori gave him
Can't say I blame him.

As a side note, It's hard to feel sympathetic for Yaso. Or no, rather, it's hard to antagonize his brother. I don't have any particular reason to hate him as a human being as of now, and for me it just feels like Yaso's just throwing a fit.
Maybe that's what you were going for though. All I'm doing here is providing you with a report of how I feel about it all.
I show no objection to Midori joining us and she takes a seat next to me. I would love to say that this is somewhat pleasant, but it's not. In front of me is someone who I've lost respect for and next to me is just someone who I've heard nothing good about. This situation just went from bad to worse. I can't even lash out at my own brother with her here.

Toshiro looks at me and Midori a few times and he sits back with a strange smile on his face. "Okay, little brother I get the picture. I guess I'll just leave. You don't want me to cramp your style." He stands up and leaves enough money to cover both of our meals. "I'll tell Mom and Dad how you've been. I'm sure they call you one of these days.
If I ever need to write a scenario when every damn thing turns awkward, can I call you? I think you've just set a new standard here.
Why does this feel familiar?

Midori drops her menu and looks at me. "What happened?"

"Nothing, I just b-burned myself with the tea."

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah, don't worry about. You don't have to help me dry my pants."

Her eyes go wide. "What?"

Damn it! It's just like that stupid dream.
This rivals the best spaghetti stories.
"I'm well aware of the rumors going around about me and Mr. Nakai. I know that people think that I'm the reason that he's divorced." She opens her eyes and turns to me.
That girl's got some balls. I respect her now.
"Yes."
"Are you serious?"
Felt the description before his reaction was a bit long-winded. Aside from that, this time there's a good narrator-reader sympathy. That's good.
And either Midori has some real balls, or she's a liar. Heh, I'm actually liking the fact that it could go either way, considering we don't know anything about her.
"Now, I think it's better if we never talk again. It'll be easier this way."

I don't know what to say. I can't form any words nor can I think correctly. It's obvious to me that she only left me one option. I get up from my seat and without a word, I walk away. Before I exit the building I turn back to where she sits. She's still shaking and her hands are wrapped around her necklace. It's a golden chain but I can't tell what's attached to it. I turn back towards the door and walk out.
A single paragrah might not be the best thing for that kind of stuff. I'd put more blank lines here and there to indicate that it's not a rushed action, but a thought-out one. It all seems a bit impromptu as it is. But, hey, tastes!
Well that could have gone better.
That's one way to put it! :mrgreen:
"Kamiko, what are you doing?" I ask.

"Shut up! You don't have a right to talk right now!" She points at my face. Her deep blue eyes are fierce. She's fuming and somewhat scary right now.
Womenfolks are a strange people.
"Then why were you crying at the Shanghai and why is he here sulking by himself?"

Midori doesn't say anything and just looks away.

"What are you two t-talking about?"

Kamiko focuses her attention on me next.

Shit son, my delirium about psychic spies was right! How the hell does she know all that?
Mind you, it suits her, being a Big Sister (like Big Brother, but, uh, female?), but her intel and reaction time would make the Mosad jealous.
"You! What the hell is wrong with you! Why did you walk out on her? Wasn't it obvious that she was lying to your face?"
Now I'm wondering If I'm not a psychic spy... I just don't know anymore.
Why do feel like I'm missing a huge chunk of this conversation.
You're not the only one, friend.
Everything Explained
That... make sense. But it's kind of disappointing, to be honest.
The only real reason why I'm disappointed is because I'm a horrible person and didn't like to read Lilly and Hisao were still in love.
"It's because I thought we could be friends. I've never told anyone this because they already believed that rumor. But you were the new student and when we met, you didn't think bad of me. You were really kind." Midori says with a bashful smile.
That's sweet, it really is, but this whole deal still smells fishy, girl.
Matchmaking conspiracy
Well that's a bit weird as well. I wouldn't mind awfully if it happened to me, but... I guess Yaso's reaction is a bit overenthusiastic, given Midori hasn't been exposed too much, aside from that distant wet dream, if you forgive me the expression. And Yaso's feeling about her were kinda left in the dark as well.

And the whole situation got turned upside down a bit too quickly too, if you ask me. Expanding on the leaving-Shanghai scene and the sulking scene, while using the meantime to expose Yaso's feeling towards Midori a bit more would have helped, I think.
"Well, I felt like I still needed to explain myself."
That wouldn't hurt.
"All these years at Yamaku, Midori hasn't been able to have any close friends. Most people just judge her because of that stupid rumor. She doesn't really open up to anyone. When she thought highly of you, I just had to be absolutely sure you were worth her time. I didn't want her to get her hopes up only for them to be crushed."
It kinda bugs me that Yaso's taking it all this heavy-handed interference so well after nearly busting a blood vessel when his brother looked at him wrong.
"Come to the girl's dorm quick and I'll show you." She hangs up shortly after. I'll admit, I'm interested in what she wants to show me. I head out the door and towards the girls dorm.
Your lack of hormonal reaction disturbs me.
Debussy's First Arabesque"
"That's incredible."
I'm was born and raised in the same country as this guy, and I swear to god I never heard that. I feel betrayed. So thank you.
Wait, why do I get the feeling that you're trying to set me up with your cousin."
Well, you did consistently paint Yaso a bit on the dense side, but this is a record.

So as a debriefing, yeah, I'd advise allocating more of Yaso's brain time to Midori and add a bit more to the out-of-Shanghai-and-onto-aimless-brooding scene, because while very sweet and enjoyable, the whole second half is kind of coming out of nowhere.

Oh, and before I forget, I found a handful of errors in tenses, mostly with 'supposed' losing its 'd' and a few other ones.
And to live in Peace A post Hanako Good End fanfiction. That about sums it up.

Fanfics Thou shalt not regret reading : Bloodline, Doomish's Misha Pseudo-route, Rika's Story, A Pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route.
There are many other apocryphas worth reading in the fanfiction section. Do yourself a favor, dig them up and read them. Reading is good.

Nice hat.

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