KS: Bloodline (Act 2: Chapter Three 2/11)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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JTemby
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Complete 8/1/12)

Post by JTemby » Thu Aug 02, 2012 2:47 am

atw_ah wrote:
JTemby wrote:I'm starting to see where your plot is going... but I'm REALLY hoping I'm still a complete thickhead and that you'll end up surprising the shit outta me.
I do have a few things planned for the end of Act 1 and for the Act 2. I hope I don't disappoint.
atw_ah wrote:She nods. "My real name isn't Midori Kagami, it's Midori Nakai. I'm the daughter of Hisao and Lilly Nakai."
-Sigh-

Still... Your writing is really good and I know I'll continue to read your work, my only REAL issue is I feel you've just fallen short with this chapter because you've throw too much at it, too much is occurring in this chapter and you're not giving yourself enough time to flush everything out.
Please, PLEASE, don't conform to a deadline, we're all patient people (I hope) and I'm honestly worried that you'll end up sacrificing quality to keep up with your own expectations of deadlines.

Keep writing mate, and congratulations of completing act one.

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YourFavAnon
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Complete 8/1/12)

Post by YourFavAnon » Thu Aug 02, 2012 12:06 pm

Quite an interesting story. I sort of called the whole Midori being the daughter of the two, or at least her and Hisao being related, but it was still nice to have it come out. The last chapter, even though a solid length, does seem a bit rushed and uneven at some points with the pacing, but forgetting about that, the content was excellent. The ending was very unique, so I'll give you props on that. I'll be extremely happy once Act 2 starts up, as this story has really piqued my interest.

Oh, and if you're interested in having someone proofread for you (correct grammar, spelling errors, etc.), feel free to message me on Steam or on here, as I'd be more than willing to help.
I write things occasionally.

Dumps of my 35+ fics can be found here and here (including some non-KS stuff).

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atw_ah
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Complete 8/1/12)

Post by atw_ah » Fri Aug 03, 2012 1:58 am

Okay, so I've got so explaining to do before I do anything at this point. So I went back and reread all of my chapters for my author's note that I was going to post (It's not complete, I'm still working on it.) and I've read all of your posts about the last chapter. I went back and reread chapter twelve and checked it against my current outline. What I did next is check that outline with the original one I wrote when I first started Bloodline. I noted a lot of differences between the ideas I had back then to the ones I have now. This lead to my decision.

I know I'm going to sound like very pretentious when I say this but I think, with the proper motivation, I could have written Act 1 all at once and then post it completed on the forums. Why didn't I do that? One, I had no time to do it. Two, I wasn't properly motivated. Three, I think that I could have made something better if I was constantly being checked by someone, you guys. Chapter Ten was born because I didn't write everything at once and it was one of my favorites to write. So why am I saying this? I reread chapter twelve again and again and it's left a bitter taste in my mouth (probably reading it multiple times didn't help either but that's a different matter). If I could travel back in time, I would go back and slap myself for being so eager to complete the act and so focused on what's to come. I wasn't thinking in the present, chapter twelve ended more as a set up for the next act and not as a conclusion for Yaso's first week.

One thing that one of my teachers told me was that one should never love the work he produces. He should also look at every detail carefully and if it doesn't work, cut it out. I broke that rule; I was so eager to finish the act I just wrote off the top of my head and left many things sloppy. JTemby was right to say that I should avoid self-imposed deadlines because that was influencing my work. When I wrote the very first chapter, I wrote it just to write a story. I wrote chapter twelve just to finally end the story. Ascended Flutist, JTemby, and YourFavAnon were right in saying that my ending was rushed because it was. LOL WUT and Mirage_GSM were right in saying that the "surprise" wasn't that big because it wasn't (I read LOL WUT's comment as being sarcastic. Maybe I did surprise him, I don't know). I'm not writing a suspense thriller, I'm writing about Yaso. I forgot that.

So why this whole post just for me to say that I don't like my latest chapter? Because I want to explain myself before I reveal my decision. I don't know if this is breaking some unwritten rule between writers but I will do it. It might annoy some people and push them away from my story but I'm still doing it. I've come to the decision that I'm going to rewrite Chapter Twelve, not just edit some things here and there but rewrite it. So where does that leave the current chapter twelve? I can't make you guys unsee it. I'm going to take the main points from that version and rework into something new and improved. I'll remove it and revert the topic header back to the Chapter Eleven release.

This is why I'm writing Bloodline like I am. You guys influence me to write at my very best. I'm not going to half ass it this time. I'm going to make the vision of what I had when I first started come true and I'm going to make damn sure that it's the quality you guys expect from me.
KS: Bloodline The story of Yaso Atoza, 24 years after the events in KS.
Nomad: A Hanako Tale Hanako's search for her own personal paradise, ten years after KS.

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LOL WUT
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Complete 8/1/12)

Post by LOL WUT » Fri Aug 03, 2012 2:06 am

atw_ah wrote:
This is why I'm writing Bloodline like I am. You guys influence me to write at my very best. I'm not going to half ass it this time. I'm going to make the vision of what I had when I first started come true and I'm going to make damn sure that it's the quality you guys expect from me.
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JTemby
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Complete 8/1/12)

Post by JTemby » Fri Aug 03, 2012 2:24 am

atw_ah wrote: I've come to the decision that I'm going to rewrite Chapter Twelve, not just edit some things here and there but rewrite it. So where does that leave the current chapter twelve? I can't make you guys unsee it. I'm going to take the main points from that version and rework into something new and improved. I'll remove it and revert the topic header back to the Chapter Eleven release.

This is why I'm writing Bloodline like I am. You guys influence me to write at my very best. I'm not going to half ass it this time. I'm going to make the vision of what I had when I first started come true and I'm going to make damn sure that it's the quality you guys expect from me.
It takes heart to see your own flaws and determination to improve on them, I'm genuinely impressed and I'm really hopeful to see the result with this new mind set and rediscovered drive for improvement.
If you ever want some feedback pre-submission or to discuss your ideas, feel free to contact me via Skype (JTemby is SkypeID), I'm always around.

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by Ascended Flutist » Fri Aug 03, 2012 4:10 am

Rewriting the entire damn thing takes some courage and will. Goddamn you must be motivated. Anyway, that decision really ups you in my esteem. And you were pretty high already.

I'm thinking this is a tad overkill, but a wise man once said 'The only good kill is overkill'. So have it your way.
And to live in Peace A post Hanako Good End fanfiction. That about sums it up.

Fanfics Thou shalt not regret reading : Bloodline, Doomish's Misha Pseudo-route, Rika's Story, A Pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route.
There are many other apocryphas worth reading in the fanfiction section. Do yourself a favor, dig them up and read them. Reading is good.

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Walshy12238
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by Walshy12238 » Fri Aug 03, 2012 5:10 am

Despite what everyone has said, and how obvious the revelation was (I personally think it was obvious. Seeing as Midori has a form of blindness and she spends so much time with Hisao seemed clue enough, and I picked up on what you were leading up to quite quickly) I didn't mind chapter 12. It wasn't your greatest, god no, but I wouldn't mind if it was left as is. Although, being able to read a version that you had originally intended would be nice, and I'm looking forward to it.
The fact that you've got the motivation and desire to fix your work on such a big scale is extremely commendable. Best of luck, and I can't wait to see it.

This might seem a little impatient, but do you have a possible ETA? Or are you going to try to just do it without putting a semi-deadline on it? Either way I'm fine, I'd just like to have something to look forward to reading :)
Lilly > Hanako=Emi > Shizune > Rin

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Aug 03, 2012 6:22 am

Well, it's not really your fault that it was obvious.
For your character it mightn't have been, but we know Hisao's personality, and we know he wouldn't do something like that (in a serious fiction). So by elimination of the impossible, whatever remains has to be the truth...
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by Tormound » Fri Aug 03, 2012 4:14 pm

Hey nice story, really excellent. If it's not too much to ask can you post the 12th chapter but not link it? Cause i'm curious on what it originally was. Or if you can send it to me in any way ill be grateful. Thank you for your great story.

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atw_ah
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by atw_ah » Fri Aug 03, 2012 4:59 pm

Thank you everyone for supporting my decision. I won't make the same mistake twice.
Walshy12238 wrote:This might seem a little impatient, but do you have a possible ETA? Or are you going to try to just do it without putting a semi-deadline on it? Either way I'm fine, I'd just like to have something to look forward to reading
I can't give you an ETA because I'm still in the process of proofreading and editing my other chapters. What I can do though, is show you my current To Do List.
1. Finish Author's Notes for Act 0 and Act 1: Chaps 1 - 11
2. Deconstruct Chap 12
3. Rewrite Chap 12
4. Author's Notes for Chap 12
5. Collect Completed Act 0 and Act 1 on pastebin
6. World Build
7. Start on Act 2
Mirage_GSM wrote:Well, it's not really your fault that it was obvious.
For your character it mightn't have been, but we know Hisao's personality, and we know he wouldn't do something like that (in a serious fiction).
I'm fully aware of that. That's not the reason why I'm rewriting it though. Look at Chap 10 and then Chap 11. You'll see that in the former, it was focused mainly on Yaso making progress with his life at Yamaku. The latter, however, was focused on setting the stage for what's to come in Chap 12. I knew that you guys would have figured it out long before I released Chap 12. What I had intended to do with Chap 12 was to show more progress in Yaso's life with what was set up in the previous chapter.
What ended up happening was that Yaso magically progressed with very little indication as to why and the chapter focused more on the surprise that wasn't much of a surprise for anyone who paid attention in the VN. What I posted wasn't the story of Yaso Atoza it was just "Hey look at how Hisao's family has to hide everything and hey look at that, the new guy now knows too." That's why I decided to rewrite it, to shift the focus back to Yaso.
Tormound wrote: If it's not too much to ask can you post the 12th chapter but not link it? Cause i'm curious on what it originally was. Or if you can send it to me in any way ill be grateful. Thank you for your great story.
I'm sorry but I have to decline your request. I know that chapter twelve was only up for about 30 hours and not everyone had a chance to read it. I took it down because while I'm going to rewrite the whole thing, there are still some important elements that are going to be pulled from it.
I want people who haven't read the first version to have fresh eyes when they see it. I don't want key plot points being misrepresented.
I want the people who have read the first version to critique the new version. I will be paying extra attention to those of you who have commented on the first version.

I only ask that you respect my selfish decision.
KS: Bloodline The story of Yaso Atoza, 24 years after the events in KS.
Nomad: A Hanako Tale Hanako's search for her own personal paradise, ten years after KS.

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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by YourFavAnon » Fri Aug 03, 2012 5:49 pm

atw_ah wrote: I'm fully aware of that. That's not the reason why I'm rewriting it though. Look at Chap 10 and then Chap 11. You'll see that in the former, it was focused mainly on Yaso making progress with his life at Yamaku. The latter, however, was focused on setting the stage for what's to come in Chap 12. I knew that you guys would have figured it out long before I released Chap 12. What I had intended to do with Chap 12 was to show more progress in Yaso's life with what was set up in the previous chapter.
What ended up happening was that Yaso magically progressed with very little indication as to why and the chapter focused more on the surprise that wasn't much of a surprise for anyone who paid attention in the VN. What I posted wasn't the story of Yaso Atoza it was just "Hey look at how Hisao's family has to hide everything and hey look at that, the new guy now knows too." That's why I decided to rewrite it, to shift the focus back to Yaso.
So, can we be expecting a longer chapter than usual? I mean, the first writing of 12 was pretty lengthy, but just missed on a lot of points.
I write things occasionally.

Dumps of my 35+ fics can be found here and here (including some non-KS stuff).

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atw_ah
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by atw_ah » Sat Aug 04, 2012 1:13 am

YourFavAnon wrote:So, can we be expecting a longer chapter than usual? I mean, the first writing of 12 was pretty lengthy, but just missed on a lot of points.
That's the million dollar question here. To be honest, I don't know how long new version is going to be. It'll be what it is. Just wait and see.
KS: Bloodline The story of Yaso Atoza, 24 years after the events in KS.
Nomad: A Hanako Tale Hanako's search for her own personal paradise, ten years after KS.

Around The World, Always Honorable

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Walshy12238
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by Walshy12238 » Sat Aug 04, 2012 10:22 pm

atw_ah wrote:
I can't give you an ETA because I'm still in the process of proofreading and editing my other chapters. What I can do though, is show you my current To Do List.
1. Finish Author's Notes for Act 0 and Act 1: Chaps 1 - 11
2. Deconstruct Chap 12
3. Rewrite Chap 12
4. Author's Notes for Chap 12
5. Collect Completed Act 0 and Act 1 on pastebin
6. World Build
7. Start on Act 2
Good luck with all that work!
Mind if I ask what you mean by World Build?
Lilly > Hanako=Emi > Shizune > Rin

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atw_ah
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by atw_ah » Sun Aug 12, 2012 3:02 pm

Walshy12238 wrote:Mind if I ask what you mean by World Build?
World Build, World Building, I forget what the actually term for it is. Since Bloodline takes place 24 years after the end of the VN, I have to find a place for all of the characters. I need to decide what they've done and where they are now. You'll see the original cast in some form or another as the story progresses so it'll help if I figure out where they'll end up.

Okay, so I took the liberty of taking a little break away from writing for a while because, well, I'm just lazy. But, I've finally start writing again and made quite a lot of progress. So here's my current To Do List:
1. Finish Author's Notes for Act 0 and Act 1: Chaps 1 - 11
2. Deconstruct Chap 12
3. Rewrite Chap 12
4. Author's Notes for Chap 12
5. Collect Completed Act 0 and Act 1 on pastebin
6. World Build
7. Start on Act 2

In other words, Chapter 12 is finally in the works and will be up whenever it's ready.
KS: Bloodline The story of Yaso Atoza, 24 years after the events in KS.
Nomad: A Hanako Tale Hanako's search for her own personal paradise, ten years after KS.

Around The World, Always Honorable

My pastebin

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Helbereth
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Re: KS: Bloodline (Act 1 : Chapter Eleven 7/21/12)

Post by Helbereth » Sun Aug 12, 2012 3:37 pm

World building is basically what a writer does behind the scenes. Like a movie has grips, cameramen, writers, directors, producers, technicians, animators, editors, etc., a fully-realized novel-sized story has an outline, character biographies, back-stories, descriptions of the places involved, and sometimes goes so far as to include maps, diagrams and cultural research to serve as the foundation. Fantasy writers also include descriptions for various fantastic events or abilities possessed by their characters and reasons why they exist, how they came to exist, and what they'll be used for in the story.

It's having a plan for each event, character and place so when you're writing, you always know where the story is going - and where it's been.

Knowing all of that before you start writing the story gives you things to reference without having to make things up on the spot as a scene progresses. Having that foundation makes writing the reactions of your various characters, describing the world, and describing events less likely to stump you as you write, and prevents you from writing into a dead end.

It can also help your pacing of the story; sticking to the important events and skipping over meaningless digressions. Every word you write in a long story has to lead somewhere, just like a short story, but you're much more likely to get lost in meaningless details and stray from the point you're trying to make if you don't have a destination planned.

All that said, leaving yourself some leeway in the outline, and allowing the plan to change is important. If you're following the outline too rigidly, or using any part of your foundation too obsessively, really, you can start to hate what you're writing and not want to continue. In that case, you need to allow yourself to change the plan, if only slightly, so when you write the scene, it feels right to you; especially since if your writing doesn't feel right to you, it certainly won't feel right to your readers.

Recognizing that distinction between following your outline and allowing it to change is the hallmark of a good writer, and I'm glad to see atw_ah willing to rewrite something that had progressed this far after concluding that it wasn't headed in the right direction.

Comparatively, I'm not sure on the exact number, but, as the story goes, J.R.R. Tolkien wrote and rewrote the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy a half-dozen times; restarting from the beginning with each iteration. Of course, he did so over the course of 20 years, but the only book that gets more readers is the bible, so he was probably onto something in restarting so many times.

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