Muted Melody (Shizune and OC)

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kyouriharu
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Muted Melody (Shizune and OC)

Post by kyouriharu » Sun May 06, 2012 3:52 am

Still polishing my writing as this is one of my first works in a long while. I appreciate any criticism and input as I rarely publish any of my writing and I rarely embrace third person limited.

Muted Melody

She had not believed it. She waited for him to come out of that classroom, same classroom as her. But he was nowhere to be found. When Misha asked if he was in class today, everyone said he didn’t show up the whole day.

Unbelievable. He ditched class again. That was why the nurse asked her to keep an eye on him. Delinquent. Truant. Dumbass. Why did he put her with the task of watching over such a fool? As the student council president, she had to worry more about the festival than babysitting a legally blind negligent.

The door to the music room flew open to her. Her sharp eyes fixated to the fool just across her. He laid himself on the piano keys, echoes of the melody long gone before her arrival. Every time he cuts class, he was here either tapping away at the piano or napping. This time, he chose the latter.

She approached, like a tiger stalking its prey. This place was a wilderness to her. Cellos, violins, flutes, drums, they all surrounded her like hungry predators with unfamiliarity as their weapons. Her target rested among their ranks, though. She thought nothing more of it, besides another challenge.

She sat beside him, his short red hair obscured by a brown cloth hat. Her finger lashed at his forehead trying to get a response. Of course, nothing. She tried a second time flicking with fierce velocity. Still no good.

With curiosity, her fingers planted itself on the contraption before her. How did he do it? One finger to this key, another one on the black one? Her fingers dug down trying to give him a stir. But, even with the keys struck, she heard nothing. Not like she expect she did. It was like the piano was speaking a different language. Speaking to a deaf girl, added to that. She began to maul at the piano continuously insulting the instrument with her dissonant tune. Her deafness turned into an advantage, for now, as her violent serenade stirred the boy awake.

This head flew up so fast that his hat launched right off. He looked back and forth through his blurs, half-terrified expression painted on his face. The student council president gave him a smirk to his awakening, delighted to see his confusion. “[Why is it I always catch you here Kaito,]” her hands weaved before him.

Kaito’s lips moved before her only to provoke her disgust. He understood sign and using speech belittled her, especially from this guy. Her hand took his head from behind and slammed it into the piano causing a glorious vibration.

He picked himself up rubbing his forehead. And moving his lips again. The idiot didn’t take the hint that first time. She drove his head to the piano the second time enjoying it a little too much. She was only a few chords away from finishing Beethoven’s Seventh Symphony using his head.

He pulled himself up again, this time a little wiser. “[Okay I get it, just give me time to find my glasses, I can’t see your gestures without them.]”

In his pocket rested a black case, glasses almost as thick as a book waited to be worn. He fitted them, and the form of the student council president sharpened through the blurs. With them on, he looked like he was hiding behind a wall of glass. Who wouldn’t be? Yamaku’s silent banshee sat only an inch away hungry for sink her teeth in the poor boy.

“[Never thought slamming people’s heads into a piano was a formal greeting,]” his hands signed willing to defend himself from the demon.

“[To Shizune Hakamichi, it is,]” she weaved back with the gusto of a concert conductor. Kaito rubbed his forehead where the female Mozart tried to play a ballad with. A bit of guilt lunged into her throat though, but an apology refused to escape. Instead she signed, “[Why weren’t you in class today?]”

He shrugged and replied, “[Because I came early to practice for the festival and I lost track of time.]”

Shizune crossed her arms shaking her head with disapproval. She expected nothing less from him but she hoped that he had changed, even just a little bit. She gestured again, “[I’m tired of this. Every morning I wake you up and drag you to class. This one day I didn’t do it, you go back to your ways.]”

“[I’m sorry, I guess I can’t be bothered unless a lovely lady pulls me out of bed.]” Shizune jumped back with a look for displeasure painted on her face. The weakness of the beast, exposed. Her hands shook as she tried to formulate a response. Kaito only smiled back, enjoying her discomfort. His eyes narrowed aware to the raw nerve he struck. Now he aimed to dig at it more, to break the beast.

“[What do you mean ‘lovely lady,’ flattery won’t get you anywhere.]” Shizune crossed her arms knowing that if they were free, both her hands would be around this guy’s neck.

“[What? I was talking about Misha.]” Kaito gave her a cruel grin, pleased that she triggered his trap. Shizune’s face replied with a confusing mix of relief and rage as she pressed her glasses back. She hated to admit it, but she was outplayed by him.

“[You need to make that face more, you look cuter with it.]”

“[You mean this face?]” She puffed her cheeks and squinted at him. But her attempts to intimidate only met his laughter. At that moment, she wished that volume could aid her, maybe then he would be rattled.

Kaito returned to his piano denying another lecture from the student council president. His finger movements attracted Shizune’s eyes as they move up and down the instrument. It was orderly, much unlike her heartless striking. But the sounds remained muted to her, and only her. A frown made its way on her as she felt cheated not knowing his passion.

“[Hey Kaito, what does a piano sound like?]” Her question left his fingers motionless, stuck on the chord he just struck. He looked upon her to see her curiosity through her eager eyes. Never had he explained music to anyone, let alone to someone deaf.

He pondered for a bit trying to draw out something she can relate to. “[It’s a little like rain in your head. The sound is shallow, like water drops into a lake. Pretty hard to explain.]” His hands returned to the keys this time playing slower and softer. She never had interest in music up to this point. To her, music was just foreign. Something she did not understand and never gave a chance to.

He removed his hands from the piano again. “[Do you want to learn how to play?]”

Did he just ask that? Shizune was floored by the offer. It seemed almost impossible that someone like her would give a chance to appreciate his art. But she refused to say no. They said music soothes the savage beast. For Shizune’s case, it was not the melody but the intrigued that caused her to sheath her fangs.

He gave his endearing smile again and took her hands. She shivered at the casual contact but she welcomed his touch. It was obvious that contact with the opposite gender made her a tad uncomfortable. Regardless, she allowed him to guide her claws into a unique shape and rest them on the keys.

“[Okay now press these three fingers at once on your left hand.]” He pulled at him thumb, middle finger, and pinky.

She pressed the keys down feeling the slight vibration radiating from them. She found a smile on herself and began to strike them more and more. But after a few, Kaito grabbed her arm, and covering an ear, telling her she was a little too eager.

“[Okay now with your right hand press these keys in sequence.]” This time he pulled on his middle finger, index finger, and thumb. “[Remember, a sequence, not at once like the other hand,]” he signed.

She played them, back and forth. At first she was a little too fast but he pacing improved. Her right hand struck the keys like clockwork as her other hand became the clock bell. Shizune surprised him, not by her talent but by her pleasure. Though the notes never came to her, she understood the enjoyment, even just a little bit. She just made a game out of it, timing her right hand with her left. And for a girl without rhythm, Kaito’s face revealed, she was pretty good.

His lips moved again and Shizune suddenly turned back into the student council president.

“[You know I really hate it when you speak without signing.]” Her hands returned to the piano after signing.

He shrugged. “[My apologies, you were playing so well I forgot you were deaf.]”

“[Don’t. Flatter. Me.]” She signed each word slowly, pausing between each of them. “[So what did you say?]”

“[I asked if you had a boyfriend.]”

She stopped playing. She even stopped breathing. She stopped everything right after reading his gestures. She looked down to lap trying to conjure an answer. Well the right answer was no, but she wanted to come up with a better one. She pulled her head up only to see Kaito’s eager eyes waiting for an answer.

“[No, are you interested in the position though?]”

He nodded.

Did he just say yes?

“[Well I’m interested with our new violinist too. She’s pretty nice and skillful with the violin. Besides that she has really cute braided hair and nice tanned skin.]” Molly, the name resonated in her head. She was a student in her class, new to the music club.

Wait, why did she care? Why did she become envious? She refused these feelings hid behind her anger.

“[You’re unqualified for the job unfortunately. I don’t like guys with glasses.]”

“[So when can I reapply?]”

“[Next time I see you without your glasses.]”

Without hesitation, he accepted the challenge and removed his glasses for her revealing his green eyes. She found herself staring perhaps a little too long. No, no, no! She didn’t want to feel this stupid feeling for this idiot. She was Yamaku’s silent banshee, the student council president. This fool was nothing but a poor piano man. But that fleeting thought of him and her refused to go away. It was a parasite of an idea that she wanted to purge.

“[I stayed far too long, you’re stupidity is rubbing off.]”

“[Shizune, I still can’t see your hands.]”

Can’t see her hands? She was sure to make him see black and white at least as he slammed him back onto the piano again. She left him and pouted on the way through the door. She didn’t want to like him. She wanted to hate him. That guy.
Last edited by kyouriharu on Wed May 09, 2012 11:50 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Scissorlips
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Re: Muted Melody (Shizune and OC)

Post by Scissorlips » Sun May 06, 2012 5:36 am

That was a cute story. I usually don't have time to bother with things that involve OCs but it's easier to make an exception when Shizune is involved, haha. Putting her in a situation involving music and musical instruments is a really great idea, it shows us a side of her character that we're not really familiar with. I enjoyed her playing with the piano, but I'm not sure how well the "magic" comparison fits with her character. I think it would make it a little easier on your readers if you referenced some specific ingame events, in order to give us a little better sense of time frame. For example, talking about the school festival would tell us where in the year it's taking place, but mentioning Hisao would help us know if it's set during the same year as the game or not.
The scene where she slams his head into the piano was funny and I could easily visualize it in the context of an anime, but that kind of slapstick violence isn't really present in KS, so it felt a little out of place. Also, the line "spectacles thicker than bottles rest inside" doesn't read very well, I would consider trying a different verb. Also, "Well the right answer was no, but she wanted a better one", I don't really understand what this means. If she doesn't have a boyfriend, wanting a better one doesn't really make sense. (Edit: only now do I see you're referring to her wanting a better answer. I would say me in charge of reading comprehension but if I was confused I'm sure a couple other people will be too). One last thing is that the last piece of dialogue, it's a little unclear whether it's spoken or signed, although I'm going to assume it was signed. I completely understand using normal speech brackets when writing from Shizune's POV, but it might be worth it to use both " "and the commonly used [ ] when appropriate, to avoid confusion. That's completely up to you though.
Overall though, I think you got Shizune's character pretty well, and picturing her banging away at a piano with a curious expression on her face is a wonderfully cute image. You could do some really interesting things with this story if you chose to, and I'm hoping you do.
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I'm a writer for a visual novel project called Familiarity, where I go by the name Lunch.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Muted Melody (Shizune and OC)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun May 06, 2012 6:45 am

Interesting start, interesting character - did I mention I am always glad for stories with OCs for a change?
Oh, and I smiled at the "Silent Banshee" bit. Very fitting image!
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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kyouriharu
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Re: Muted Melody (Shizune and OC)

Post by kyouriharu » Sun May 06, 2012 6:24 pm

First I have to say that I'm a huge fan of your work Scissorlips. I used to stop by your pastebin almost daily and adore all your stories especially the ones with Shizune. Now on the matter at hand, I appreciate the points you draw out. I intend to place the story the week before the festival at the point when Hisao comes to Yamaku. However, I fear that any original character placed at that time might be a little too strong. An on the use of the word magic, I have trouble trying to find a bearing on how the deaf find music. Originally, I planned to use the word language but it felt much weaker.

I'll polish out some words, work on my clarity, and add brackets to the sign dialogue. All dialogue was signed on this work as the view is limited to Shizune's here. I'll working for a while today so hopefully I can update it tonight or tomorrow. I'm glad both of you enjoyed it. I almost never post my work out in public, and almost never type in third person limited.

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Scissorlips
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Re: Muted Melody (Shizune and OC)

Post by Scissorlips » Mon May 07, 2012 9:14 am

kyouriharu wrote:First I have to say that I'm a huge fan of your work Scissorlips. I used to stop by your pastebin almost daily and adore all your stories especially the ones with Shizune. Now on the matter at hand, I appreciate the points you draw out. I intend to place the story the week before the festival at the point when Hisao comes to Yamaku. However, I fear that any original character placed at that time might be a little too strong. An on the use of the word magic, I have trouble trying to find a bearing on how the deaf find music. Originally, I planned to use the word language but it felt much weaker.

I'll polish out some words, work on my clarity, and add brackets to the sign dialogue. All dialogue was signed on this work as the view is limited to Shizune's here. I'll working for a while today so hopefully I can update it tonight or tomorrow. I'm glad both of you enjoyed it. I almost never post my work out in public, and almost never type in third person limited.
Well, uh, I don't really know what to say to that, but I don't want to say nothing and risk coming off as arrogant, so thank you of course, very much. I'll never get used to seeing the word "fan" used in conjunction with me, but anyway, like you said, onto the matter at hand. By the week before the festival, you mean it starts at right about the same time as Hisao arrives? That definitely has potential, but I can see it being a challenge to have these events occurring elsewhere and not have it feel like it's conflicting with what's happening in the game. It's still doable of course, and completely up to you. I agree that "magic" is still a better fit than "language", although it would be interesting to see Shizune come to understand music as another form of language over time, which is how many musicians see it.
I'll continue to look forward to reading more, I'm glad you decide to start sharing with us. If it means anything, I was extremely intimidated by the prospect of posting my work here at first too, but it really is a great platform for getting feedback and a good way to interact with the more creative half of the fanbase. Anyway, thanks for your kind words and keep up the good work.
My pastebin.
I'm a writer for a visual novel project called Familiarity, where I go by the name Lunch.

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