Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

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Dawnstorm
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Dawnstorm » Mon Apr 22, 2013 3:43 am

I posted the first part of chapter 11 of part 2 (ETA:this post opens a new page [at least on my screen], so be sure to check the previous page for the next installment]; the second and final part is already written, so I may be able to post it next week.
griffon8 wrote:It's called easy because 90% of fanfic doesn't put in the effort. That's what makes it a cop-out. You've elevated yourself into the 10% just by making an OC who is a) different from every other OC seen here and b) not a Mary Sue.

Heck, let's take a look at my writings. I've been told that people enjoyed them, and I believe them. But how much original stuff went into them? In the two long and two short stories I've written, the only character with a name that isn't in the VN or borrowed from some other KS fanfic doesn't have any lines!
But that's sort of the point. If people enjoy your stories, why does it matter how much original stuff went into them, when we're talking about effort. Clearly, "making up new stuff" is a type of effort you didn't make; but why is that important. For me, making up new stuff isn't much of an effort. For example: you may be new to Miya, but I've written a couple of similar characters in the past. I sort of know her. It doesn't feel like an effort. Writing people like Hanako, the Student Council, or Emi? God, that's hard. (Rin doesn't give me that many problems - only occasionally, when I worry I'm falling into a cliché rut with her; but she's an exception.)

It's my writing experience: writing my own characters? Easy. I made them up; they live within me, and whatever they do, I have an intuitive understanding of why. Writing other people's characters? Trial and error. Frustrating.

Hisao is different: he's more abstract than the other characters, as a concept, because he's fairly different in the different routes to begin with. Rather than getting a character right, it feels like I'm writing to an abstract ideal, if that makes sense.

Still. I feel I'm learning more from writing fanfiction, than I would if I were to write yet another original story. (Even as a child I made up my own characters to act out; I never acted out pre-existing TV series, for example. So maybe it's just me.)

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Sperance
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Sperance » Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:19 pm

well, this is certainly... different, from what I'm used to see in fanfiction. I have to say, I quite like it

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nemz
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by nemz » Mon Apr 22, 2013 6:47 pm

Good lord, the 'Miya-ness' of this chapter is just overwhelming. For every instance of action or dialogue it feels like the world is on pause for three minutes; It's like reading with a strobe light. Not that that's a bad thing, but it certainly makes this chapter feel extremely uncomfortable... as it should. :lol:

And yes, the idea of an abstract Hisao, like some Platonic ideal, does make sense. The problem being that the 'ideal Hisao' necessarily involves a degree of sponging up whatever vibe others are putting down (not without complaint or misunderstanding) so that there is no one true Hisao but many wrong ones.

@Griffon8:

Well, it's fanfiction... for the most part people don't come to it looking for original material so very few bother to provide it. Those that do take a heavy risk of being too different to be accepted, or of the new simply not being very good. The Mary Sue is an entirely different problem, one that doesn't even try to pretend to invest in the world's grounding facts and instead spins them about at will to create the story the author wants just for them... it becomes fan fiction of themselves, not of the source.

In this case I think Miya succedes because she despite being so odd, she still feels genuine. Even when she's lying... heck, especially then.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

Bagheera
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Bagheera » Mon Apr 22, 2013 7:14 pm

This is going to sound weird, but I found this chapter . . . inspiring, I guess? No so much in the particulars as in the fact that both Miya's mother and some guy she doesn't really know are willing to go to this much trouble to understand her. That rarely happens in real life; typically people will just dismiss such individuals, and even family will distance themselves as the earliest opportunity. To see these two conspiring to understand the girl is, well, encouraging. Maybe not realistic, but that's what escapism's all about, no?

It's probably 'cause she's cute and stuff, but no need to get overly cynical about it. Please keep up the good work! It's very nice to see a light in the darkness on occasion.
Last edited by Bagheera on Tue Apr 23, 2013 3:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
Girls: Emi = Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Shizune = Rin
Routes: Rin = Shizune > Emi > Lilly = Hanako


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Mahorfeus
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Mahorfeus » Tue Apr 23, 2013 12:21 am

Snuck in that update, almost didn't catch it!

The new POV was definitely unexpected. You've been hopping from one to the other all throughout the story, but this one definitely caught me off guard. Miya's mother is easily just as interesting as she is, which is saying a lot considering everything that has happened so far.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Apr 23, 2013 9:10 am

Best chapter so far, and that's saying something.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Dawnstorm
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Dawnstorm » Tue Apr 23, 2013 5:55 pm

Sperance wrote:well, this is certainly... different, from what I'm used to see in fanfiction. I have to say, I quite like it
Thank you for reading. It's always nice to see new people drop in. :)
nemz wrote:Good lord, the 'Miya-ness' of this chapter is just overwhelming. For every instance of action or dialogue it feels like the world is on pause for three minutes; It's like reading with a strobe light. Not that that's a bad thing, but it certainly makes this chapter feel extremely uncomfortable... as it should. :lol:
"Reading with a storbe light": heh. I love that expression, though the image gives me nausea (very sensitive to light here).
And yes, the idea of an abstract Hisao, like some Platonic ideal, does make sense. The problem being that the 'ideal Hisao' necessarily involves a degree of sponging up whatever vibe others are putting down (not without complaint or misunderstanding) so that there is no one true Hisao but many wrong ones.
It's a general problem with writing other people's characters, but with Hisao it's not a bug; it's a feature.
Bagheera wrote:This is going to sound weird, but I found this chapter . . . inspiring, I guess? No so much in the particulars as in the fact that both Miya's mother and some guy she doesn't really know are willing to go to this much trouble to understand her. That rarely happens in real life; typically people will just dismiss such individuals, and even family will distance themselves as the earliest opportunity. To see these two conspiring to understand the girl is, well, encouraging. Maybe not realistic, but that's what escapism's all about, no?
That's an interesting take, I have to say. I do idealise my characters (generally, not just here) that way. It wasn't initially deliberate, but it is now, to a certain extent. Most of the characters I write have good intentions; they should all get along, and yet...
It's probably 'cause she's cute and stuff, but no need to get overly cynical about it. Please keep up the good work! It's very nice to see a light in the darkness on occasion.
I don't do unmitigated dark, but I don't do pure white either. I've got this theory that in my works often interior conflict mirrors exterior conflict (with variation). So when Miya's mum and Hisao are trying to understand Miya, they're somewhat also trying to understand their own problems. Similarly, I think that maybe Hanako and Miya don't get along because their interior conflicts are similar enough, but their approaches to them pull in different directions. But I'm not really sure about how to interpret that myself (all I know, really, is what happens).
Mahorfeus wrote:The new POV was definitely unexpected. You've been hopping from one to the other all throughout the story, but this one definitely caught me off guard. Miya's mother is easily just as interesting as she is, which is saying a lot considering everything that has happened so far.
I've written stories under 1000 words with 3 points of view. I sometimes use by-stander points of view (the theory being that people will focus on the story, so you can get more setting information in when the PoV doesn't - I'm writing mostly SF/F); I won't in this one.

And Miya's mum is about as defined in my head as Miya is. She's a big part of why Miya is the way she is. Her own story won't really appear in this one, though there are hints enough. It's interesting how stories are always bigger than what ends up on the page. I think the stuff that's not actually written down is a big part of what gives "life" to a story. Focus is important, and PoV is the major focus tool.

Most of my stories don't easily lend themselves to the pick-a-protagonist-and-root-for-him/her mode of reading, I think.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Best chapter so far, and that's saying something.
I'm reliefed it's a good read. It's a very important chapter: if I messed up the story set-up up to this point, the scenes won't work. If I mess up the scenes, a lot of set-up goes to waste, and it's harder to develop the plot aferwards. It's sort of a pivot point in the story - end of part 2.

Dawnstorm
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Dawnstorm » Sat May 18, 2013 1:59 am

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II.11. Benefits (continued)

They have forks at the Shanghai. Ms Kitagawa picks hers up. Hisao picks up his sandwich and takes a bite. The interruption gives Hisao time to assess the situation. He is uncomfortable having the spotlight turned on himself, when it should have been on Miya. Other than trouble, what does he get out of being with Miya?

Ms Kitagawa takes a forkful of her salad, then puts down the fork at a perfect angle. Hisao takes a bite, chews, perhaps too quickly, then puts down the sandwich. With perfect timing, Ms Kitagawa resumes: “So, you don't know what you want from my daughter.”

Hisao hesitates. He doesn't have the answer to Ms Kitagawa's question, and the only way to move this conversation forward is to go beyond Miya to his own situation. He does not want to. “That's right,” he says, making his decision. “But it's more general than that. How much has Miya told you?”

“Please, assume she told me nothing.” Ms Kitagawa leans slightly forward. Her eyes rest on him, easily, comfortably. When Miya focusses on you like that, you're in trouble, but Ms Kitagaw is different. A bit of Hisao's resistance melts away.

“I have been diagnosed with a heart condition,” he says. “It can't be cured, and I can die from a heart attack at any time. The chances are slim, but there are a lot of opportunities. It was... quite a shock to learn this. It's why I've transferred to Yamaku during my third year in high school. My life is thrown into disarray. I have to take care of my health as well as my future. I'm still unsure what to make of this, and I somehow feel that my options have been cut short.” It sounds a lot simpler than it feels.

“That must have been hard,” Ms Kitagawa says. It's a cliché. He has heard it before, and usually a barrier goes up. What does the person understand? But with Ms Kitagawa it's different: he has the impulse, however slight, to indulge. If he were to complain, she would understand... he catches himself. He can easily see how they would have fallen for her, boy after boy, but what he's feeling here is not that sort attraction.

“I wonder.” It's a silly thing to say, but he has no other response. It was hard, but to admit this here would feel like... an act. Sympathy from a stranger, or more precisely, from a mother other than your own. Substitute role playing. The realisation comes as a shock.

If Ms Kitagawa noticed it, she doesn't let on. All she does is keep up her attentive pose, patient, no pressure. Hisao collects himself. The bigger picture. He has to lay out the bigger picture as well as he can.

“In my old school, they would be handing out career surveys any time now. What would I have put down on one of these? Do they have these here? Probably. When I get them, are they any more difficult to fill out than they would have been at my old school?” A pause. “It's not like my condition made a particular plan impossible. It's not like I wanted to become an astronaut or something like that.”

“You realise,” Ms Kitagawa is leaning back now, speaking slowly, carefully, “that my daughter is in a similar situation?”

Miya. He'd almost forgotten about her. A similar situation? Heh. Tension falls away, as obvious things regroup in his mind. All he has to do now is go with the flow. “From the get go,” he says, “this has been why we couldn't leave each other alone. We met when I was taking a walk in the morning mist. I felt I'd just intruded on her territory. We met because we were both trying to isolate ourselves.” He pauses. “I don't like to think about that. In a sense, I thought life is rejecting me. But meeting your daughter made me think that, maybe, it's me rejecting life. That the main difference between the two of us is that... I'm still the new guy. People are still trying to befriend me.”

“You also realise,” Ms Kitagawa intervenes, “that you are not the same as Miya?”

A humourless laugh escapes Hisao. “Everyone's different, right?”

Ms Kitagawa tilts her head sideways. “Is that what you think?”

Hisao looks away. “It's all a sham, anyway,” he says. “Any theory, any train of thought Miya triggers in me... it's just... I just don't understand her. And I don't know what I want, myself. Maybe your daughter doesn't know what she wants, either. But I don't know what that means. A... friend of mine worries that your daughter is... taking away all my hope. But I'm not sure that is true. Your daughter has given me... I don't know how to say it, some sort of drive. Some sort of will to push forward. But I have no direction. Nothing to focus on. I release pressure by doing morning runs with another friend, but I'm still... restless. I don't know what I want. I was about to accept that and then I met your daughter, and now I'm restless. And I don't understand what's going on.”

“There,” she says, and the sudden gentleness in her voice runs through him like electricity. “That's what I wanted to hear.”

Hisao turns to look at Ms Kitagawa again. “But...”

Ms Kitagawa smiles. “Unfortunately,” she says, “I have little advice to offer. But one thing I did take from this is that you have friends who worry about you. Right?”

“Right...”

“Let them.”

Exhausted, Hisao can do nothing but stare. Two such simple words. Such a simple concept.

“My daughter won't want you to worry about her, but you do, don't you? It's good to have people worry about you. I couldn't have raised Miya without help. The first job I found... they were more than just employers. I owe them a lot. To receive benefits from people, even if you think you're unable to return the favour... to receive benefits is nothing to be ashamed of. It's one thing my daughter has always been bad at: accepting favours. Don't let that stop you. But also: if you receive help, take it.”

“Take... help?” Hisao doesn't fully understand. “But one of my friends wants me to stop seeing your daughter.”

“Because your friend's worried, right? Allow your friend to worry and do what you think is best.” She scoops up a forkful of salad. Hisao is grateful for the pause. He takes bit of his own sandwich chews. Allowing people to worry isn't easy. They don't always worry the way you'd like them to. A string of past failures: Parents, friends, Iwanako...

Eventually, Ms Kitagawa speaks again. “In a way, by asking you to pretend to be her boyfriend Miya asked you to alleviate some of my worries. It's a comforting little fantasy, you see. My daughter is a well adjusted, happy girl, with a nice boyfriend. We both know we're pretending. In a sense it's a game. But, please believe me when I say that my daughter knows she can't just use you like that.” Then, all of a sudden, Ms Kitagawa bows in apology. “I apologise for all the trouble you go through on my account.” Her head stays down. She is serious.

“I've...” Hisao starts. “I've done nothing I didn't choose to do.”

Her head comes up. “Then I thank you for what you've done for us.”

“But I haven't really done anything. I don't even know what to do. As I said, I just don't...”

Ms Kitagawa raises a finger, silencing him. “You should have more faith in yourself. Your friend, you know, is not the only one who worries about what Miya might do to you. Miya herself does, too, you know?”

“Miya worries about what she might do to me?” Hisao repeats. In a sense, this is no surprise. He has seen her turn around, that day, at the mere sight of Hanako, someone she has badly hurt in the past. The way she flickers in and out of his life... She thinks she's a burden. She thinks she's dangerous. It's no surprise, but hearing it said like this, by none other than her mother?

Ms Kitagawa nods. “I think that's part of why she fled today. She was afraid she'd... force too much honesty, maybe.”

Hisao has no answer to that.

“Please take care of yourself. For her sake as well as your own.”

Silence. Hisao's mind is blank. “I will,” he says. It's a promise he doesn't know how to fulfill.

Ms Kitagawa nods. She reaches for her fork again, but then stops. For a moment her hand hovers over the table, and then she reaches for her handbag. “Oh, maybe I should give it you.”

“Give it to me?”

She opens her bag, finds a folded piece of paper and hands it to him. He unfolds it and stares at it. It is a photocopy of a newspaper article.

“My daughter's not much for theatre...”

Not much for theatre? But the drama club...

“...but she's always been fascinated by this play.”

Newly translated from the original French rather than, as usual, from the English version. A rather successful run New National Theatre in Tokyo.

“Waiting for Godot?” Miya's favourite play is one that makes no sense.

“Throw it away, give it to her. Do what you want with it. I wanted to give it to her, myself, but I think it might be better off with you.”

Hisao stares at the copied newspaper article. At the bottom, there is a list a venues. One is circled with a blue pen. It's not that far away. He folds it, pockets it.

***

An impulsive action. Hotaru is almost immediately racked with doubt. She'd circled the performance as a suggestion for her daughter, without the expectation that she'd actually attend. But it's a message for her. Go out and do something. If the boy picks up on it and decides to invite her? It's a risk, both for her daughter and for him, and it's Hotaru's responsibility.

The boy looks thoughtful as he picks up his sandwich and takes a bite. He's looking down, sideways, then closes his eyes. He's still in this position, the sandwich still in his hand, when he speaks. “If I invited her, would she come?”

Hotaru hesitates. She has no way of telling what their relationship is like. A lot depends on this. “I don't know,” she says.

He puts the sandwich down and faces her again. “I think you have said that she has always been fascinated by this play. Does that mean, before...” He catches himself, stops.

Hotaru doesn't give him time to worry. “Yes. My first employees had the book. A trilingual edition. French, English, Japanese. They were husband and wife, very interested in Western culture. They were running a used record shop, specialising in rare foreign editions. Still are, but they moved away from Tokyo to save on rent. Their shop runs mostly online, now. They had a daughter, one year older than Miya. I owe them a lot.”

The boy takes the information in. “I see,” His voice is very soft. Maybe he is speaking to himself.

“They are intellectuals. Both hold a university degree,” she continues. Why did she bring this up?

“My father is a salaryman. My mother takes care of the house. I had a good life.” His words are slow, measured. It is impossible to tell what he is thinking, but Hotaru does notice the past tense in that last sentence. She is beginning to see better and better how this boy connects to Miya.

“Miya, I'm afraid, hasn't had as good a life as I'd have wanted for her.” She pauses, but the boy doesn't visibly react. She decides to change the topic: “If you were to ask me what you should do with the article, I'd probably suggest that you give it to her, tell her I gave it to you, tell her I suggested this course of action.”

“Confront her with the situation,” he says. “Wait for a reaction, then decide.”

“Yes.”

He pauses. “I'll think about it.”

Clearly, His mind is elsewhere. Suddenly he stiffens, takes a deep breath. “There is something that bothers me, but talking about it might be... painful. I don't want to impose.”

She has “If you are fine with facing it, than so am I.”

“It's about that play. I know little about it, but what I do know...” He pauses, changes track. “When Miya told me about her condition, I asked her what she intends to do with... the rest of her... life.”

Painful. There is a taste in Hotaru's mouth, and it's not the salad she has been eating. The poor boy. She is asking too much of him. Is she, herself, ready? They are strangers after all. She braces herself as he continues to speak:

“I haven't forgotten her reply. I don't remember how I phrased my question, but I do remember her reply. She said: 'Meanwhile I wait.'”

***

Hisao stops speaking. He has gone too far. He knows it. He swallows. But Ms. Kitagawa doesn't lose her composure. She nods slowly. “So you want to know about the play?” she asks. It is a rhetorical question. Perhaps she, too, needs time to collect herself.

“Yes.”

“So,” she begins, “what do you know?”

“It's about a pair of men who wait for another who doesn't come. They do it twice. In a way that makes no sense.”

Again the slow nod. “That's the gist of it. There isn't much more to it. Another pair of men drop by, but they make no sense either. I haven't read the play myself. I picked it up. It's very short, so how hard can it be to get through it, right?” She laughs in embarrassment. After a puse, she continues: “A very popular interpretation is the existentialist one.” She pauses. “Do you know about existentialism?”

Hisao has heard the term. The explanations he remembers are either banal or incomprehensible. He doesn't want a lecture in philosophy, though, so he says: “Enough.” He wonders whether Miya is an existentialist, and what that would even mean. Well, she has grown up with intellectuals... He feels only slightly ashamed for the jab.

Ms Kitagawa continues with her explanation of the existentialist interpretation of the play. “These two people, they complain about horrible their life is, but they think all will be well when this man, Mr. Godot, arrives. The popular interpretation is that you can't push the responsibility for your life on someone or something else that lies outside of your grasp. Unless you take charge of the situation yourself, unless you find your own meaning in life, you will always just drift along. You will always complain about your life, and never take charge.”

This doesn't sound like Miya at all.

“You're probably can't reconcile this with Miya, right?”

Has it shown on his face? “No, I can't.”

“Well, she never outright told me what she thinks of the play, but I think that she used to envy the men. They had that comforting faith and that pulled them through. Finding your own meaning in life, I assume...” she pauses “...I assume this is something she finds... hollow.”

“And you don't need any meanings, when you're dead...” Hisao wants to bite off his tongue, but it's too late. A flicker of emotions from Ms Kitagawa, but it's too fast to interpret. Then she's in control again:

“You understand this much from looking at a newspaper article? Are you sure you don't understand her?”

“I know the words. I know what the teacher wants to hear, but I can't apply the knowledge. Not in real life. No, I don't understand at all.”

She presses her lips together, then inhales. “Okay. Please listen without interrupting me. Everything I'm going to say is conjecture. Miya doesn't talk to me about this, but for a while I had a “spy”, my employers' daughter. So, are you ready?”

Hisao nods.

“Okay, imagine you're an only child. You have no father, but there is this girl who is like a sister to you, and this girl's parents are like your uncle and aunt to you. You have no other family. These people live fairly well in an intellectual subculture. Your mother has... has given up her prior life for you. She is... is too... clingy.

“Your mother and your 'aunt' and 'uncle' both value honesty, dreams, to stand up for yourself and what you belief. Your mother is very young and her upbringing isn't suited for the life she leads now. You are left a lot of freedom, and you're meant to decide for yourself. From an early age, you learn that freedom comes with responsibility.

“In kinder-garden you have few friends. You are odd, but nobody dislikes you. But one day one of the kindergardeners' mothers finds out that she doesn't like your mother, and you begin too feel that you're different. You've always been odd, but now that takes on a different hue. You start to withdraw. By the time you hit elementary school, you are a lot quieter than you used to be. You have no real problems in elementary school, but you are also not really part of any grouping. You don't learn to fit in. Then you hit middle school, and you and the girls around you start to be interested in boys. And that's when the rumours start. Nobody wanted you. You're an accident, because your mother... your mother couldn't control yourself. You're stupidly honest, as your mother has been stupidly honest to you. You never deny what's right. Honesty. These are your values, right? You have to. It's just what you do.

“And then they start attacking your mum for her past... and you... you make the mistake to defend her. That's when it really takes off. If you defend your mum's decisions, surely you must be just like her? You're not, but people either don't believe you, or they don't care. It's a very gradual process, but eventually you stop caring what others think of you. You just go along with whatever they say. You stop being embarrassed. If they ask for information, you give them more than they can handle. The truth in ugly detail. You hope they leave you alone, but they think you're disgusting and things really escalate.

“What is it like for you? You have no secrets. All your inner life is laid open for everyone to see. In all the detail they want, in all the detail they don't want. There is no difference between inner and outer life. The truth will always come out. Your response? You need to protect yourself, and the only way you can do that is to convince yourself that your life... doesn't... doesn't matter. What you want? Doesn't matter. What you hate? Doesn't matter. What you love? Doesn't matter. Nothing matters? Doesn't matter. You are living outside yourself. You are what other people see in you. And nobody likes a mirror.

“Then you learn you're going to die. It's a relief. Your suffering has a deadline. You calm down. There's something that pulls you through. Now that you're going to die, life's easier to bear. Because it will not last forever.”

Ms Kitagawa has finished. Silence.

Too much, all at once. Hisao stares, exhausted from listening. A thought comes through the bubbling chaos that is his mind. “Wait... she... calmed down?

Ms Kitagawa blinks. Looks at him, but for a moment she doesn't seem to comprehend. Her lips move, as if she is repeating his words. “Calmed down?” She's returning from another world. A helpless chuckle emerges. She's struggling to regain control. “Well, yes. In a way. But there's something else going on, too.”

Hisao can't think any more. “Something else?”

“Sleep paralysis,” Ms. Kitagawa says. “You are semi-conscious, but you cannot move. That is quite frightening on its own. But imagine what it must be like when you feel that people who look at you probably don't like you much, and some might... move in to... let you know.”

A memory, an image. Miya, carelessly dressed and with dirty feet, in his bed. All she wants is sleep. He's always known that he let her down that day, but the trust inherent in the gesture alone... Hisao's mouth is dry.

“She used to like to sleep. Not any more. She stays awake as long as she can. Not even I know how long that is. She is never completely rested. She may have gained something at the prospect of death, some sort of anchor that grounds her, but she has lost the comfort of sleep.”

Hisao can't think. A sickness rises from deep with the belly and settles in his chest. Across the table, Ms. Kitagawa is struggling for control and failing. “I don't know what do,” she whispers.

Hisao has no reply. There is no, can be no reply. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you will fail. Sometimes things don't get better. His heart will never heal. Miya is who she is. Sometimes all you can do is... wait.

It is Ms. Kitagawa who regains control first: “I would... like to be alone now, please. Don't worry about the bill.”

Hisao is still not capable of speaking. He nods. He has no idea how he looks to her as he gets up. He feels unsteady on his feet. He stops, turns to her before he leaves, but still no words come. He stands uncertain. And then she startles him by grabbing both his hands in hers. He feels the warmth, and it calms him. Her eyes are closed, her head bowed. “Thank you,” she whispers, and then she lets go.

Hisao turns and walks away. He doesn't look back. He feels vaguely ashamed for leaving like that, but he feels so helpless. His own troubles are nothing in comparison to Miya's. He feels like he's lost a suffering-contest. It's all pathetic. He remembers what he said earlier, about his mother and father, and how he had a good life. He remembers the image of Ms Kitagawa, always in control, breaking down at the end and admitting her helplessness.

And things run together in his mind. Things he's always known, really. His parents, too, must have felt helpless in the face of his condition. Suffering contests are a silly thing. You deal with what's at hand, best you can. Has he even called his parents once since he came to Yamaku? They haven't abandoned him, have they? Mum calls once a week, and he delivers his listless reports. Many things are difficult, right now; using a telephone isn't one of them.

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Sperance
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Sperance » Sat May 18, 2013 6:54 am

Heavy... Also, good work

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nemz
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by nemz » Sat May 18, 2013 12:00 pm

That's fairly close to the picture I had of her, though without the 'expecting to be murdered while asleep' bit was a new addition. Hiding behind honesty, but what she's really hiding is herself from herself: all the 'facts' about a person still don't tell you what's really important about them... how they FEEL about those facts.

It really is a shame Hisao couldn't give momma a bit of accidental hope by confirming Rin actually exists though.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

Bagheera
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Bagheera » Sat May 18, 2013 1:35 pm

Big info dump here, which was great. I was a little disappointed that Hisao left things like that; offering her some sort of hope might have been nice. But perhaps the very fact that they had that conversation already accomplished that end?

I also noticed a couple of typos, and several instance of missing words.
Girls: Emi = Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Shizune = Rin
Routes: Rin = Shizune > Emi > Lilly = Hanako


Dawnstorm
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Dawnstorm » Sun May 19, 2013 2:06 am

Sperance wrote:Heavy... Also, good work
Thanks. :)
nemz wrote:That's fairly close to the picture I had of her, though without the 'expecting to be murdered while asleep' bit was a new addition. Hiding behind honesty, but what she's really hiding is herself from herself: all the 'facts' about a person still don't tell you what's really important about them... how they FEEL about those facts.
I'm glad this came across in the previous writings. This was basically a drawing-together-the-threads scene.

One thing, though. Miya's mother may be her mother, but not even I'm sure how reliable she actually is in her interpretations. She's biased by a huge dose of guilt, too.
It really is a shame Hisao couldn't give momma a bit of accidental hope by confirming Rin actually exists though.
I actually wanted Hisao to address Rin. But there was no good opening. He's got a bit of a one-track mind, and Rin is a bit off the beaten path. They barely even talked in this time line.

Also: When I wrote this:
“Please, forgive her,” Ms Kitagawa says. “She probably intended to sit this out. A little demonstration for me that she's not all lonely. Last year she produced a 'friend'. I liked her. Didn't even try to be anyone other than herself. I think she may have overestimated her ability to play both sides at once. When she's out of her depth, she runs. That's just how she is.”
I meant to imply that Miya's mother actually met Rin, in much the same function as she met Hisao now. Re-reading this, though, there are a few edits I'd make, for clarity, but also for voice (e.g. her manner of speaking is generally polite; she may slip at times, but omission of pronouns [in English] is a bit too informal [which opens up the interesting fact that I'm writing "between" languages; I don't speak Japanese, but I know the language well enough that I have some vague conception that their speech-concepts are not English-native - you see remnants of this when I (try to) use honorifics]).
Bagheera wrote:Big info dump here, which was great.
I thought of having more backstory scenes, but that would blow the story out of all proportions. (Even Miya's biological uncle has a story, and all you'll probably hear about him is oblique references...).
I was a little disappointed that Hisao left things like that; offering her some sort of hope might have been nice. But perhaps the very fact that they had that conversation already accomplished that end?
Hisao is also disappointed with himself that he left things like that; he just didn't know what to do. And he had other things nagging at his mind, too.
I also noticed a couple of typos, and several instance of missing words.
I've had three or four instances pointed out in a PM. These are corrected now, but I had to keep staring at some of those sentences to even see what's wrong with them. I don't think I've ever edited any part more intensively than this one. My main concern was balancing Miya's problems with Hotaru's problems with Hisao's problems. It was a nightmare and I'm still not entirely satisfied. Typos are what they seem. When you encounter missing words, I might just have rushed through the sentence and not caught the missing word in the edit. But this time I'm pretty sure they're editing artefacts: moving sentences around, replacing parts of sentences, or expanding stuff and fitting it in... It's like losing a puzzle piece and being too tired to spot it's gone.

Also, due to the day-job, I have trouble focussing, and I didn't want to hold that scene back for too long. Ideally, I should have let the thing sit for another week, and then do a fine edit. But I couldn't face the prospect of editing this beast for another week. :lol:

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nemz
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by nemz » Sun May 19, 2013 8:52 am

Dawnstorm wrote:I meant to imply that Miya's mother actually met Rin, in much the same function as she met Hisao now.
Huh. For some reason I was under the impression that was a phonecall sort of meeting and that the mother mistakenly thought Rin was actually Miya pretending to be her own friend, for the mother's sake.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

Bagheera
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Bagheera » Sun May 19, 2013 8:54 am

nemz wrote:
Dawnstorm wrote:I meant to imply that Miya's mother actually met Rin, in much the same function as she met Hisao now.
Huh. For some reason I was under the impression that was a phonecall sort of meeting and that the mother mistakenly thought Rin was actually Miya pretending to be her own friend, for the mother's sake. Perhaps that Rin just seems too odd to be real unless confronted with her directly.
I didn't get that. Sounded to me they did the luncheon thing just like this time, only with Rin there instead of Hisao. Man, that must have been weird . . . :lol:
Girls: Emi = Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Shizune = Rin
Routes: Rin = Shizune > Emi > Lilly = Hanako


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nemz
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Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by nemz » Sun May 19, 2013 9:03 am

It was the "play both sides at once" bit, along with "produced" and putting friend in quotes. All this added up to give me the impression that she didn't know Rin existed outside of Miya's head but that she liked this charecter because of Rin's complete transparency. The possibility occurred to me that Miya actually did pretend to be Rin for the sake of the call, perhaps because the actual Rin was being difficult or just not available when needed. A cloud-related emergency, perhaps? :lol:
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

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