A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (completed)

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Scissorlips » Wed Jan 23, 2013 1:46 am

YourFavAnon wrote:This was the best chapter in a good while. Was less of the same and more of something different, which is certainly a relief. Hopefully things continue like this, because this is definitely what I've missed from Act 2 and all.
Thank you, I'm glad to hear that.
Kitsune Spirit wrote:This is gooood!! I love it when Hisao isn't the narrator... and (your) Suzu is an interesting character. :D
Thank you. It's great to see a new face, and also quite interesting to see your thoughts as you catch up on the story.
Kitsune Spirit wrote:... and if I wanted too, the ending of that is just good enough that it could be called a romantic end.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I actually had ended the story there.

I hope that as you continue in the story, the issue of her guilt becomes a little more clear. In regards to Seiji himself though, d3v14nt13 did a pretty thorough job of explaining things. While I don't think I ever used the exact phrase "pool of blood", according to Suzu's account of things there was quite a lot of it.
nemz wrote:As much as I like this fic, I'm ready for it to end already. Between the plot dragging and Suzu's thoughts seeming to take way too long to get from A to B sometimes I'm just burnt out.
I understand what you mean. While I'm sorry that you feel that the plot is dragging, the story is very close to the end now.
griffon8 wrote:Wonderful chapter. I was so glad Suzu didn't pick Battleship to play.
Thank you! While it can be difficult to keep track of things in an episodic format like this, and there's a balance to strike before it starts to get repetitive, I've always thought it interesting to see a story play out in different ways.
LegyPlegy wrote:Very interesting story, and I like where it's going. Keep writing, you have a talent for it!
Wookie wrote:Anyhow, i found this to be an excellent read. The neutral ending stung like a bitch though :P
Thank you very much, both of you. It means a lot to see new faces poke in, especially considering how much of a time investment the story has become to the reader. And as far as the neutral end goes, that means it worked!
ProfAllister wrote:
For a few seconds I just stand there, absorbing his words as they sink deeper and right to the heart of me but I.

Can’t. I, eyes watering. I manage a nod
Even for someone who's always half-asleep, this seems a little garbled and disjointed.
It was meant to come across less as lethargic mental stuttering and more as an emotional choking. Something like that is difficult to convey in text sure, but experimenting with it has proven fun. Sorry if it didn't work so well that time.
ProfAllister wrote:Feels like we're making progress again, which is generally a good thing.

Unfortunately, you brought out a new board game. And now I have to go all board game geek on you.

Okay, so I confess that at first glance I saw your lengthy reply and naturally assumed the worst, bracing myself for the revelation of some gigantic, embarrassing plothole and a twelve step explanation of just how bad I messed up.

To be honest, I'm perfectly okay with knowing that the Game of Life bit could have been cemented a little further in reality. But it's clear that you know your stuff very well, and I will most certainly defer to you on this subject. (:

Thank you all for reading and responding, even if you have questions or mistakes to point out, especially if you have questions or mistakes to point out. Because I hate making mistakes far more than having someone inform me of my making one. While I'm here I have the good fortune to say that a few people have graciously given me some new pieces of artwork for the Miscellaneous section:

By d3v14nt13: A Private Moment

And by Doomish: Suzu of Vinheim (and Gaping Dragon Plushie)

This story is almost concluded. It has truly been an amazing experience and I owe all of that to the people who took the time to receive it, so again, thank you.
My pastebin.
I'm a writer for a visual novel project called Familiarity, where I go by the name Lunch.

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Kitsune Spirit » Thu Jan 24, 2013 10:21 pm

"Shining Bright, Despite The Plight" made me cry the hardest... what appears to be Suzu setting off on the path to recovery really turned on the waterworks. You have epic storytelling powers! :)

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Re: Aiming At Your Head

Post by Kitsune Spirit » Fri Jan 25, 2013 6:47 pm

Scissorlips wrote:Aiming At Your Head
Artwork by Thighs, by request: Promise
That is the cutest Suzu pic I have ever seen... Also... is Aiming at your head the end of the story..? It's a good end, I just want to know if its going to continue on or not. :)

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Doomish » Fri Jan 25, 2013 6:52 pm

He did say "almost concluded". I don't think that means the story is over.

(Also I know I've posted here before but I haven't commented on the story outside of the one-shot it used to be months and months ago but I can't say how I feel about it without gushing to an extreme amount so I've been keeping it down all this time)

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Dumanios » Mon Jan 28, 2013 10:01 pm

Finally read through it all. Great job, and I love the art.

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by hawkeye77th » Thu Jan 31, 2013 7:42 am

I'm relatively new to the forums, so it took me a bit to discover fan fiction as awesome as this! This kept me up reading two nights straight and I don't regret it. *Claps hands* Bravo Good Sir.

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Fyzm » Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:53 am

Hey man

So, i just recently started reading this fic and as such have been able to read through it in a couple of breezes up until this point. Here are my thoughts, if you care for them.

style of writing
I don't know if this is one of your first fics or not, but this one definitely started a bit shakily. It's obvious that you wanted to translate Suzu's personality and condition through the use of pauses/interruptions of her trail of thought and by creating the confusion between dreams and reality. While the latter is very effective (confusing to read, but that's the entire point of course), it took you a while to pin down the first method. But then that's exactly what you did: you pinned it down and got the hang of it fairly quickly. I'm not gonna say it's perfect (maybe you still use it a bit too often and your use of comma is strictly speaking wrong) but it certainly fits the character.

In any case, your use of the language is otherwise versatile and original and makes for a good read. I'm guessing you're not natively English, but that doesn't show often. if anything, it shows the effort and care that went into it.

I think i read somewhere that the only thing you based this character on, is the picture of the entire class in the beginning of the game. If so, then well done indeed. Suzu is fun, endearing and interesting to read about. Her personality was very much my main drive to continue reading this so quickly. What's more, it comes across very natural. None of the plentiful jokes, retorts and weird trails of thought felt forced and a lot of them gave me a good chuckle. I will say that the latter tend to sometimes interrupt the emotional bits here and there. It feels a bit jarring when that happens... I don't know if that's intentional or not.
The few bits of Miki we see in the game correspond well with how you picture her here. Their friendship, again, comes across very natural, and i think it's a safe bet to say they would've been friends in the game as well.
Hisao is like none of the others from the game, but that's a given with each different girl. He does strike me to be a bit too perfect though. The white knight in its full glory, close to flawless. I see your attempts at conflict by putting in the bits with Lezard and Kenji, but nothing between the couple itself. It certainly goes a long way towards explaining Suzu's clinginess to Hisao which, for me, is the only thing that feels unnatural to her personality. I think it would correspond better with a bit more need for independence. At times, describing her love for him as so complete and almost needy somewhat diminishes the image of her being strong and resilient despite her history.

Let me start of by saying how impressed i was with your addition of choices. It was a very nice extra that must have come with quite the effort. Your dedication to this story is blatantly obvious. Bravo.

Now, if i was to describe the plot with one word, it would probably be "slow-paced". That doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing. You take your time to add context to everything, which helps the reader to immerse in the story. That being said though, it is borderline too slow. The ratio conflict/peace is simply a bit too low.
You chose to build the story's first major plot around Suzu's brother. It went well. You managed to keep the air of mystery long enough before finally adressing it, and the climax at the end of summer break was pretty magnificent. Maybe a teeny tiny bit over the top, but personally i enjoy that :).
It took you a while to get back into gear after that, slowly building up to the second plotline around her fear for the future, it felt like you were dragging out the story... Your last chapter managed to peak my interest again though. I hope you're ready to start reaching for the second climax by now. In any case, i'm looking forward to it.
Like i mentioned before, if you don't mind me saying, the story could have done with some conflict between Hisao and Suzu. Their relationship didn't so much evolve as much as it was kinda already there from the beginning. It's only a minor issue i had though, and likely a personal choice on your part.

Anyway, now that that wall of text is over with, let me just express my gratitude for your efforts. Despite all this critique i can honestly say this is still one of the best fics i've read here. You obviously have a knack and love for writing this kind off stuff, and this pseudo pseudo route is basically the last step towards writing your very own stories. Good luck with any future writing endeavours and remember to keep having fun doing it :).

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Doomish » Mon Feb 04, 2013 8:22 pm

Fyzm wrote: In any case, your use of the language is otherwise versatile and original and makes for a good read. I'm guessing you're not natively English, but that doesn't show often. if anything, it shows the effort and care that went into it.
Scissorlips is as American as apple pie.

And apple pie is pretty damned American.

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Kitsune Spirit » Mon Feb 04, 2013 8:30 pm

I'm curious why Fyzm assumed that Scissor wasn't American because of his writing ability... or did I read that wrong?

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Feb 05, 2013 3:29 am

Maybe he literally meant "not natively English", because of some American expressions?
Otherwise I have no idea...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Fyzm » Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:46 am

Oh damn my bad. I thought i saw him mention that among the comments once. Must've been at another fic. I was mainly talking about what could just as well be typos anyway.


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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Triscuitable » Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:27 am

I'm certainly enjoying this quite a bit.

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Parliament » Thu Feb 07, 2013 3:18 pm

This route is so incredibly good. I have a couple beefs with it from a certain point of view, but when I look at it a different way I think there are some contrasts that were put in there on purpose to give extra characterization to Suzu and add layers of uncertainty to the plot.

I love it when a story takes it's time to resolve plot points, and although this story took it's time I think it was justified. If any of the major resolutions came much earlier the emotional payoff for the reader would have been diminished and the story would have less impact.

Suzu's character feels a little inconsistent at times(not wanting to lean on others, not caring at other times since it's out of necessity) but I'm fairly sure I can say it's something you did on purpose, whether or not you did it comes out in a really interesting way to me.
She is constantly having her days(and nights) being interrupted by her narcolepsy so since she has very little influence on her waking hours it becomes a very difficult task to control the direction her life goes.
If I always felt that out of control I would probably act the exact same way, alternating between needing someone to lean on and pushing people away because I don't want to feel weak any more.
This was probably exacerbated by Hisao, he white knights pretty hardcore at points. That might actually not be the right term since most of the time he's sacrificing his own free time, not for personal gain. Anyway- It's also necessary at other points in this fic so I choose to accept it as part of the story, I guess.

Anyway tyvm for this excellent piece of writing, I'm eagerly awaiting the conclusion =)
I wish I had some kind of succinct piece of wisdom to put here. Oh well, bathrobes are comfy =)

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by LegyPlegy » Fri Feb 08, 2013 7:11 pm

Is this still being worked on? This is probably my second favorite route in the whole game/fanfiction, so don't give up on it! Maybe it's how it's written, or the quality of the writing, or the fact that I'm a hopeless romantic as well, but this route is absolutely phenomenal and your Suzu's Personality is downright awesome.
Damn paper trails

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 1/17)

Post by Doomish » Sat Feb 09, 2013 3:35 pm

"Is this still being worked on"

Nah Scissorlips just decided he was sick of it and gave up a few chapters from the finish line and 50,000-some-odd views in. Just, y'know, because. (It hasn't even been a month, dude.)

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