A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (completed)

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uwa
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Re: Down The Line

Post by uwa » Sat Jul 21, 2012 12:54 am

Quantum Toast wrote:
Scissorlips wrote:“Come back.” I mumble, watching the moth go.
Suzu's reaction is the funniest bit of this for me, and I'm not sure why.
At four in the morning in a grimy convenience store with bleak florescent lights glaring into your bleary eyes, your moth running away is very, very slightly upsetting!

Hopefully this time they'll be too deeply asleep to wake up and hide Hisao before Miki gets into the room.
Emi > Lilly > Misha > Hanako = Rin > Shizune... I might just prefer women who put out a lot.
Mind-stickiness: Hanako > Misha = Shizune > Rin > Emi > Lilly

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DanjaDoom
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by DanjaDoom » Sat Jul 21, 2012 3:09 am

Fuuuuuck man, why'd I read this...

Don't get me wrong, it's a great story, but this basically completely destroyed any desire I have to complete my Suzu story. It just wouldn't seem worth it, you did Suzu much better than I could, lol.

Welp, there's always the trap...
My fine literary endeavors: Real, M&M, Rat Race, and Hideaki: A Tale of Manliness. Feel free to stroke my ego and read them.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey-Sanic


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Vekter
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by Vekter » Sat Jul 21, 2012 4:06 am

Oh god, its so good.

I just caught up tonight, and well done! This is my favorite incarnation of Suzu. She's girly, but not too much so. I can't wait to see what you have planned...

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LOL WUT
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by LOL WUT » Sat Jul 21, 2012 4:37 am

Dude, Doomish I am not even kidding.

You have stuff like the Mona Lisa,
That I couldn't care less about.

And the you have this:
Image

And to me that is like the greatest art.

Ever
Scizlipz, this story makes me feel like a real woman.
This ^^ Describes my feelings with this story.

Okay I think when I am tired I give way too many complements.
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*Grumbles* I really need to fix my sleep schedule *Grumbles*
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Zombiedude101
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by Zombiedude101 » Sat Jul 21, 2012 7:02 am

I could imagine this playing during the scene with Kenji.
I support Snoozu.
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Scissorlips
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by Scissorlips » Tue Jul 24, 2012 1:43 am

Helbereth wrote:
“It's getting red.” Hisao remarks, and I look down at the skin around my knee.

“Th-that's okay.” I say, still blushing a little. “It's a good thing. Increased blood flow, or something like that.”
Good thing she mentioned it's her knee he's observing... My brain left that part out when I read those two lines. Had to double-take.

>.>

I know, back in the corner... I'll be over here being quiet.
You talk like this is a setting where sex occasionally happens, usually between two people in an established relationship.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Damn, the longest chapters always appear when I just want to go to bed...
I think I've stated before that I'm not the biggest fan of branching Fanfictions, so I won't state it again here.
I have seen your thoughts on that, and I completely understand where you're coming from. But this is a chance to try something that I've never really done before, and while all the planning has been difficult, it's also very exciting. If nothing else, thank you for all the useful feedback you've already contributed.
DanjaDoom wrote:Fuuuuuck man, why'd I read this...

Don't get me wrong, it's a great story, but this basically completely destroyed any desire I have to complete my Suzu story. It just wouldn't seem worth it, you did Suzu much better than I could, lol.

Welp, there's always the trap...
Difficult situation. I don't want you to stop writing, seeing you update always gave me a bit of a kick in the pants to get back to work. But I've also seen your story get mostly overlooked, and I feel bad about that. I won't tell you to stop writing, and I don't want you to. Thank you for giving my story a chance, I tried to read yours a little while back but our interpretations of the character were so different that I got weirded out and had to stop after the first chapter, haha. Still, what I read wasn't bad at all, just different. Thanks again, and I wish you luck with all your writing endeavors.
You sure know how to make a writefriend feel special, Doomish. Thanks, a lot and a lot.
Zombiedude101 wrote:I could imagine this playing during the scene with Kenji.
It fits pretty perfectly.

I don't really like bumping my own threads when I don't have anything new to contribute, but I felt like I either had to respond now or wait until the next chapter gets posted, and that will be a while (yep). So thanks again for reading and sharing your thoughts, everyone.
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I'm a writer for a visual novel project called Familiarity, where I go by the name Lunch.

Lawpants

Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by Lawpants » Thu Jul 26, 2012 5:12 am

(Warning, I wrote this when too tired to be completely coherent. Contents may be subpar.)

I adore your Snoozu. I really, really do. And you're very clearly a talented writer.

But when it comes to moving the plot along, there -is- such thing as too much fluffing. Let me explain.

I like the previous chapter quite a bit. It's a very cute, pleasing to read fluff. The problem is that it's very much placed wrongly, in my opinion. An important aspect of writing is understanding flow, and I feel this is where you're faltering. You've put off the big reveal -too much-. Placing hints early, and slowly unfurling them is of course, a good writing technique and builds tension and suspense, but it gets to a point where it stops being suspense, and starts being frustration, and I think this is the chapter where that really set in.

Every time a chapter goes by now, where it isn't addressed, I groan to myself and a large portion of my enjoyment from it is gone. It's evasion for the sake of evasion. This scene could easily have followed the reveal itself, and been used as a breather and relaxer to the reveal itself, or (I'm assuming you have your own workings and plans for it), used as a back to status quo scene AFTER everything, where people are just asking for more of what they love.

And it kind of confuddles me a bit, because of how talented you are. You've managed to create a story that very much sucks you in, you have very believable characters, and you manage to weave just enough conflict in to make it a metaphorical page turner. Snoozu herself is perfectly flawed, and it makes her endearing. I'm fairly picky when it comes to the people I trust, and I find myself sucked into her sleepy charms. I have no problem painting pictures in my head of her written activities, and the writing itself has a vivid life to it's simplicity.

All of this, of course is just my opinion, so take it as you will. I will, within reason, follow this story to it's conclusion, and I hope what I've written has at least some small positive impact. :)

badmanslayer04
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by badmanslayer04 » Thu Jul 26, 2012 7:00 am

Lawpants wrote:(Warning, I wrote this when too tired to be completely coherent. Contents may be subpar.)

I adore your Snoozu. I really, really do. And you're very clearly a talented writer.

But when it comes to moving the plot along, there -is- such thing as too much fluffing. Let me explain.

I like the previous chapter quite a bit. It's a very cute, pleasing to read fluff. The problem is that it's very much placed wrongly, in my opinion. An important aspect of writing is understanding flow, and I feel this is where you're faltering. You've put off the big reveal -too much-. Placing hints early, and slowly unfurling them is of course, a good writing technique and builds tension and suspense, but it gets to a point where it stops being suspense, and starts being frustration, and I think this is the chapter where that really set in.

Every time a chapter goes by now, where it isn't addressed, I groan to myself and a large portion of my enjoyment from it is gone. It's evasion for the sake of evasion. This scene could easily have followed the reveal itself, and been used as a breather and relaxer to the reveal itself, or (I'm assuming you have your own workings and plans for it), used as a back to status quo scene AFTER everything, where people are just asking for more of what they love.

And it kind of confuddles me a bit, because of how talented you are. You've managed to create a story that very much sucks you in, you have very believable characters, and you manage to weave just enough conflict in to make it a metaphorical page turner. Snoozu herself is perfectly flawed, and it makes her endearing. I'm fairly picky when it comes to the people I trust, and I find myself sucked into her sleepy charms. I have no problem painting pictures in my head of her written activities, and the writing itself has a vivid life to it's simplicity.

All of this, of course is just my opinion, so take it as you will. I will, within reason, follow this story to it's conclusion, and I hope what I've written has at least some small positive impact. :)
I think he is maybe waiting until they stay at Suzu parents house before she starts to let Hisao in on what is wrong with her and I am fine with that I am enjoying the tension build up but I wouldn't mind if she at least told him something before that maybe about the dream she had when they went to the theme park.
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Machoman
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by Machoman » Thu Jul 26, 2012 11:21 am

Really like everything so far

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hernytan
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by hernytan » Fri Jul 27, 2012 10:26 am

I can't believe I haven't seen this fanfic until now!
After scrolling through all the comments and thankyou messages, I don't think I can thank you enough, especially since I'm not one for words.
So just thank you, really just thank you. I have no idea what you do in life, but if you're not in a career that involves writing, then you might want to reconsider a little :lol:

Oh, and my two favorite moments:
Have you ever blown a popsicle stand?
Rin-like quote
“Fine.” I wedge the movies in my elbow and pull my wallet from pocket. As I open it, a single moth flies out, immediately heading for the fluorescent lamps lining the ceiling. We both stare after it for a few long moments.

“Did that really just happen?” Hisao asks, continuing to stare.
Lawpants wrote:...

I like the previous chapter quite a bit. It's a very cute, pleasing to read fluff. The problem is that it's very much placed wrongly, in my opinion. An important aspect of writing is understanding flow, and I feel this is where you're faltering. You've put off the big reveal -too much-. Placing hints early, and slowly unfurling them is of course, a good writing technique and builds tension and suspense, but it gets to a point where it stops being suspense, and starts being frustration, and I think this is the chapter where that really set in.
...
I for one am not frustrated by the dragging out of the idea. Yes, its a little draggy, but it is perfectly fine looking at it from Snoozu's perspective. To rush it would just make it seem unnatural to me, this way it seems more animated and realistic. And that was what I liked about KS. But the suspense does also kill me too :D
Shizune=Rin=Emi=Hanako=Lilly
It's a great game guys, stop arguing over who is best they are in order of my preference if you must know
Oh, and Misha >> Everyone else ;)

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Vekter
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by Vekter » Fri Jul 27, 2012 3:33 pm

Lawpants wrote::words:
You've got a good point. However, I liked the scene because it's a good show of Suzu building up her trust for Hisao. It'd be a bit odd if she got there and just went OKAY SO THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED IN MY PAST AND I'M TORN UP ABOUT IT AND I KEEP HAVING DREAMS WHERE I'M PLAYING BATTLESHIP WITH THE GRIM REAPER and such.

This way, she shows that she's at least willing to confide in him that she's having nightmares, and Hisao is willing to cope with her not wanting to tell him something is wrong, or what exactly is wrong in the first place.

I hope that makes sense.

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Scissorlips
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by Scissorlips » Fri Jul 27, 2012 4:50 pm

Thank you for your kind words everyone, and I appreciate the vote of confidence. But Lawpants is correct. The pacing has stumbled these last few chapters, and it's because I got distracted. I don't intend on ending Act 3 on as dramatic a note as the previous act, but I've sort of put myself in a weird situation, with the growing length of chapters, that because I'm worried about a sheer overwhelming volume of content (not to sound like I'm bragging, I really am concerned about matching the length and pacing of the original routes), I'm in an awkward place where either I drag things out and make the trip home the end of the act, or I jump right into it like I should, and then risk the last few parts of the act dragging. But I think I have things figured out now, and as soon as I get a little more time, things will be proceeding as they should have been.
Lawpants wrote:(Warning, I wrote this when too tired to be completely coherent. Contents may be subpar.)

I adore your Snoozu. I really, really do. And you're very clearly a talented writer.

But when it comes to moving the plot along, there -is- such thing as too much fluffing. Let me explain.

I like the previous chapter quite a bit. It's a very cute, pleasing to read fluff. The problem is that it's very much placed wrongly, in my opinion. An important aspect of writing is understanding flow, and I feel this is where you're faltering. You've put off the big reveal -too much-. Placing hints early, and slowly unfurling them is of course, a good writing technique and builds tension and suspense, but it gets to a point where it stops being suspense, and starts being frustration, and I think this is the chapter where that really set in.

Every time a chapter goes by now, where it isn't addressed, I groan to myself and a large portion of my enjoyment from it is gone. It's evasion for the sake of evasion. This scene could easily have followed the reveal itself, and been used as a breather and relaxer to the reveal itself, or (I'm assuming you have your own workings and plans for it), used as a back to status quo scene AFTER everything, where people are just asking for more of what they love.

And it kind of confuddles me a bit, because of how talented you are. You've managed to create a story that very much sucks you in, you have very believable characters, and you manage to weave just enough conflict in to make it a metaphorical page turner. Snoozu herself is perfectly flawed, and it makes her endearing. I'm fairly picky when it comes to the people I trust, and I find myself sucked into her sleepy charms. I have no problem painting pictures in my head of her written activities, and the writing itself has a vivid life to it's simplicity.

All of this, of course is just my opinion, so take it as you will. I will, within reason, follow this story to it's conclusion, and I hope what I've written has at least some small positive impact. :)
Thank you for taking the time to tell all this to me, like I've said before, I want this story to be the best it can possibly be, so pointing out the bad is probably more important than pointing out the good. I understand what you mean, and I agree, the story flow has slowed down. I really did consider skipping past the events of the previous chapter, but in the end I decided that I wanted to explore the rest of their evening out, as well as add a little more relationship development before the trip to her parents' house. But you're right, the pacing has been thrown off and it's time to get things back on track. I can promise you that (most of) (a lot of) (a good portion of) (okay, most of) people's questions will be answered soon.
Thank you for helping me improve my story, thank you for reading, and thank you for your warm words. (:
Machoman wrote:Really like everything so far
I'm glad! It can be hard to tell how many people are actually reading and just waiting for something that really prompts them to chime in. Hopefully with the next chapter, or the end of Act 3 coming up, it will be a good opportunity for people to express their thoughts on the story as a whole so far.
hernytan wrote:I can't believe I haven't seen this fanfic until now!
After scrolling through all the comments and thankyou messages, I don't think I can thank you enough, especially since I'm not one for words.
So just thank you, really just thank you. I have no idea what you do in life, but if you're not in a career that involves writing, then you might want to reconsider a little :lol:
Welcome, thank you for checking the story out and for telling me your thoughts! And, um, thanks a lot for your kind words, that made my morning.
But really, I should be the one to thank you people. The sheer amount of interest and response to this story is... like nothing I've ever experienced in writing before, it's overwhelming, it's incredible, and I know I'll cherish memories of this time for years to come. Okay, that was kind of corny. But it's true. My current line of work does not involve writing, sadly, but after KS has given me the drive to pick it up again, I don't really see myself stopping again any time soon.
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I'm a writer for a visual novel project called Familiarity, where I go by the name Lunch.

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Helbereth
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by Helbereth » Fri Jul 27, 2012 6:04 pm

I just want to say that I don't think there's anything wrong with meandering for a while. As long as you're not just repeating scenes over again, and actually introduce new dynamics, there's nothing wrong with spending some time in a safety bubble. Especially in a story such as this where the interaction from the protagonist gets interrupted constantly, having some solid time in her head and hearing her thoughts is valuable time spent.

This latest chapter is the first time we've really seen Suzu and Hisao together without extraneous outside forces altering their dynamic. There's no Miki pointing out issues (ha, I made a funny), no classroom drama, and Suzu is actually awake for the whole experience. We get to see them bantering without being influenced, and they learn some new things about each-other during the excursion.

Granted it can feel a little unnecessary, but the chapter added additional depth to both characters, so that makes the meandering worth the trouble. Basically, don't sell yourself short.

Machoman
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 7/20)

Post by Machoman » Sat Jul 28, 2012 10:34 am

I think you are being overly critical of yourself. You do first person teenager/young woman narration very well and very believably. You are easily on the skill level of mass market paperbacks in young adult fiction. If you haven't tried writing a book I think you should consider it. I'm writing one right now and I don't think it is nearly as well done as this story so far, but then perhaps I'm being overly critical of my own stuff.

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