A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (completed)

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Fill Your Eyes

Post by Scissorlips » Tue May 29, 2012 6:41 am

Thank you very much, everyone. And Henry, I love you too. <3
I was planning on doing this and the next chapter together, but then almost 7000 words happened. It looks like there's going to be one more update in Act 2. And it's not even 6 AM, we're doing better already.
I hope you enjoy it. Thanks again for your continued support, the response has been a little overwhelming. I feel I've learned a lot and improved in a few ways since starting this, and it's thanks to you guys.

Fill Your Eyes

I step outside into the bright light of a spring morning. Students trickle past me on all sides, reluctantly headed towards the main building for another day of classes. I'll be one of them soon enough, but for now I take the time to gaze up at the sky. A gentle breeze wraps itself around me, as if offering to carry me up and away, but I don't feel as light as air, my body resembles something closer to stone. I sink down to sit on the short flight of steps leading up to the girls' dormitories, the hard ground all around me jumps out as a potential threat.

This is a terrible place for a nap. In fact, I think this school was designed with the express intention of annoying sleepy people. There are far too few places that are perfect for just laying down and taking a tiny little break. That's what I need right now, nothing big, just a little cat nap. I'll be back in action before you know...

My head is beginning to sink, but a hand appears in front of me. I look up to see its owner smiling down at me, head slightly tilted.

“We don't have time for that, Suzu. C'mon.” Miki says, her words as warm as the sunlight that sinks into my clothes. I take her hand.

Together we begin walking to class, just like most mornings. Sometimes my friend has to do something with the track and field team, or some other sporty obligation. I'm able to make it to school by myself when that happens, although not always on time. I just walk across the grass as much as possible, and occasionally take the elevator to the third floor if I don't feel up to braving the stairs. The elevators at Yamaku are usually reserved for students in wheelchairs or with other mobility issues, but nobody's ever told me I couldn't use them. And if they tried, they've have to deal with my special, falling-down-covered-in-spikes attack. He who wakes up at all wakes up loudest. Or... something like that. I suppose I still need a sidekick name before I come up with a tagline.

But my efforts to do just that are thwarted as Miki provides me with some of the latest gossip around the school. I listen dutifully, even though I don't really care about most of the stuff like that. It feels nice to just be a normal person for once and talk about who's dating who, who got caught sneaking through the gates after dark last night, and who was seen leaving the principal's office with their tail between their legs. After everything else, Yamaku is still a high school, complete with high schoolers and everything that entails, and it feels good to be one of them.

Entering the main building, we make our way through the crowded halls filled with sluggish students. I feel much more awake now, I'm even able to handle the stairs without any trouble. Finally, we reach the third floor. Another exciting day of class lies ahead of us, I can't wait. And by “exciting”, I mean “boring”, and by “can't wait”, I mean “wish I was anywhere else”.

Miki throws open the door to the classroom. “Ladies first.” She gestures inside with her good hand.

“Absolutely.” I nod. Neither of us moves.

We stand in the hallway for a few seconds. Miki begins to whistle a tune and I look up and down the hall. Wait, wait, I've got it. Lezard is ambling his way up the stairs toward the classroom, still looking half asleep. Wordlessly, we spring into position on either side of the door, standing at attention like soldiers or guards, like the ones with the red uniforms and the funny hats that they have in England, what do they even--

Lezard stops when he reaches the door to the class and stares at us, a frown on his face and one eyebrow raised. But I think he knows better than to ask questions by now. Rolling his eyes, he walks past us and into the classroom. We remain in formation for a few moments longer, trading excited glances, before bursting into laughter. Ladies first.

“Yeesss!” Miki and I share a high-five. Luckily for my friend, only one hand is necessary for the job. Grinning like the idiots we just might be, we stride into the classroom with our heads held high. But the expression dies from my face only moments later.

It's still a few minutes before the start of the day, but Mutou is looking right at us. Or me. It might be Miki, I hope it's not me.

I stop dead in my tracks, Miki screeching to a halt next to me. We exchange glances.

Our teacher clears his throat. It's gonna be me.

“Suzuki, may I talk with you for a moment?” He doesn't appear upset, but the look on his face says that a conversation is coming that neither of us will enjoy.

I feel my shoulders slump, and Miki gives me a gentle pat. “It's been an honor knowing you.” She says, raising her bandaged wrist in a salute. I'll remember this.

All energy sapped from my body, I trudge towards Mutou's desk. On it are laid out a number of tests, sheets of homework and lab reports, all riddled with red ink. I recognize the handwriting between the margins as my own.

“Suzuki, I've noticed that you've been struggling in my class for some time now.” The teacher says in his usual monotone manner. He doesn't seem personally offended by the fact, but he obviously isn't pleased by it either. I can only nod.

“It's your third year now, so you need to pass this class in order to graduate on time.” Mutou continues. Graduation? Ha ha. Very funny. I don't even know what I'm going to be eating for lunch. Graduation is about ten million years away right now.

I don't have time for thoughts like that.

Mutou frowns, and I realize that he's awaiting a response, but I don't really have one. So instead I stand there, hoping that he'll just continue on eventually. It usually works. It always does with my parents.

Class is going to begin soon. The seconds tick by, I hate this feeling. A couple of the students milling about the desks on the other side of the room are watching disinterestedly, probably grateful for any postponing of another day of lecture.

Finally, Mutou seems to remember that he's on a schedule. He tilts his head slightly.

“Look, I know that I can't expect you to always stay awake in class. What I can do is try harder to keep you here when you begin to drift off. And if that fails, the school does offer tutoring after class.” He scratches his chin, the thought of being here after hours obviously appealing to him about as much as it does to me.

I have to admit that I'm surprised by his offer to work harder at keeping me awake, though. It's not that Mutou is a bad teacher, or that he doesn't care, it's just that even for being in the front row, I've managed to mostly stay in the background for the entire school year. Maybe I've been trying too hard not to make waves and it caught up with me.

Or maybe I've been making waves lately after all. I turn to look at the desks near the window. Hisao is sitting there, trying his hardest not to fall asleep and failing at it pretty impressively. I wonder if that's how I look, it's kind of cute.

As I watch, Hisao's head meets his desk with a thud, and then he's gone.

Okay, it's more than kind of cute.

I wonder if part of the reason I'm having this talk with the teacher is because I've gotten to know Hisao so well over the past month or so. In that time he's quickly becoming Mutou's star pupil, even if that wasn't his goal. I can't really say I'm jealous. But it's true that his arrival has stirred up things here, if only a little bit. The Student Council knows who I am. Emi Ibarazaki may or may not have it out for me. And the last time Mutou needed to talk to me about anything, he had to sneakily--he isn't very good at sneaking, by the way--glance at my homework to get my name right. By comparison, the rest of the school year so far has been... sleepy, no pun intended, I think. Maybe I did intend it, is it still a Freudian slip if I think it and don't say it? And does it have to be about my mother to be a Freudian--

The bell chimes, signaling the beginning of the school day. I blink, and suddenly notice that the entire class, minus Hisao who's rest has gone undisturbed, is seated and watching us.

Where were we? What were we talking about? The thread of our conversation has been yanked out of my hands with force. Mutou almost looks like he isn't much better off, but then he nods to himself in some sort of self-assuring confirmation.

“Think about what I said, Suzuki. Your education is invaluable.” He tilts his head towards my desk, signaling that his giving me a talking-to has come to a close.

“Right, I will.” I sputter, the stares of the class beginning to cause my back muscles to tense up. It's a stress thing, one that doesn't come up often, which is lucky because Miki isn't very good at massages.

I begin walking towards my seat, but Mutou calls after me.

“And if you could give Nakai a nudge please, Suzuki.” The way he keeps repeating my name, it's almost like he's trying to force himself to memorize it. I still don't know how I feel about that, but I do as he says, skirting past the two desks next to mine to stand in front of a snoozing, messy-haired boy.

In the seats next to him, Shizune gives me another appraising look, while Misha grins, as if to say that the honor of awakening him is all mine. This should be good, the shoe is on the other foot for once. Actually, forget that metaphor, that sounds uncomfortable.

This is my chance! Behind me, Mutou begins grabbing the attention of the class by listing out some of the day's announcements. Now is my opportunity to be the one that wakes someone else up. But how? I don't really feel comfortable ruffling his hair or anything like that. I could take his book and loudly drop it onto his desk, but some people react... violently to rude awakenings. Not like they're grumpy, but more like some part of them immediately launches into “we're under attack, grab the nearest thing and put it in a headlock” mode. I've found that last one out the hard way, thanks Miki.

So after all that, I end up just poking him gently in the head. Hisao barely stirs, but after repeated attempts he raises his head to stare at me, blurry-eyed.

Good morning. Welcome back. Fancy meeting you here. I chew on the right words, but Mutou begins to raise his voice as announcements are over and it's time for class to be underway.

“Hi.” I blurt. Damn it. I feel a hint of red creeping into my face.

“Hi.” Hisao responds, rubbing his eyes and looking embarrassed. “I guess I kind of stole your whole thing there, sorry.”

“I don't have a monopoly on sleeping in class.” I respond, pretending to be annoyed. “But I actually need to talk to you about that. I um. Need your help with something.”

Hisao looks intrigued, but everyone else is starting to pull out their textbooks and I can't afford to hang around much longer. So instead I just say that I'll fill him in later before scampering back to my seat. I steal a glance at Lezard's book to find out what page we're on, and then settle in for the long haul. The prospect of devoting even more time to studying than before seems daunting, but exams will be here before we know it, or so our teachers are always saying. I just can't wait.

I step through the door and into the school library. The warm afternoon sunlight drifting through the windows drape everything inside under a veil of serenity, and even Yuuko looks like she's in a cheery mood today. Hitching my bag around my shoulder, I begin looking around for a familiar face. We had agreed to meet here after class, and I had braved the school's hallways on my own to get here, so he has to be... ah, there. Further towards the back, in one of the more secluded areas, Hisao sits at one of the tables. Books are stacked all around him in piles, some almost high enough to risk toppling over, they teeter on the edge precariously. As I sidle up next to him, he looks up and waves.

“Are you building a fort?” I ask, pointing at the clusters of bound paper.

“I am, yeah. There's no girls allowed though, sorry.” Hisao shrugs. I set my bag down on one of the only clear spaces on the table, and then glance around for a free beanbag chair.

“Craftsmanship looks shoddy anyway. It'll probably fall on your head.” I prod one stack before moving to claim a chair, and sure enough, it begins to lean sideways. Hisao springs forward to prevent a structural collapse, looking panicked.

“It was never designed to withstand conditions of this magnitude.” He mutters. He's sitting in one of the normal chairs, and looks slightly envious as I drop the beanbag down next to him. I glance at some of the books sprawled around him in a semicircle on the table. Quite a few of them are fiction, a couple are related to our classes, and. And. One cover in particular jumps out at me, still visible even though it had been hastily shoved towards the back of the pile. “Living With Narcolepsy”, it reads.

Huh, that's. Well that's interesting. The memory of that meal at the Beijing and the conversation that wasn't meant for my ears comes rushing back, and I wonder just what conditions the labyrinth of books laid out before us was designed for in the first place.

He's doing his homework. I remember how it felt when Miki finally caved in and did some reading up on my condition, even though I didn't want her to go through the extra trouble for my sake. I remember the day I was diagnosed, the stacks of papers and pamphlets that my parents took home. They had stayed up late that night, burning the midnight oil in their desperation to understand what was wrong with their little girl and what they could do about it.

And now, here's someone new, who cares enough to do some research. Someone who's apparently going to “do something”, and “soon”. And here we are, relatively alone in the library. I suddenly realize that this could almost be kind of romantic. I mean, I've never seen a library beanbag confession on TV or read about one in a book anywhere, but you never--

Hisao lifts a book into the air, then lets it drop to the table with a loud thump. Dust particles scatter and dance in the afternoon light, and one or two heads lazily turn in our direction before going back to whatever they were preoccupied with before.

I narrow my eyes. The fact that Hisao chose to pull me out of my daydreams doesn't bother me so much as how he did the same thing I had considered doing to him earlier today. No need to worry though, all he needs to do is try that even once around Miki and he'll learn his lesson. Luckily, I'm not the jumpy type. Or the violent headlock type.

“Sorry, what was I doing?” I ask, glancing from Hisao to my bag.

“You were going to sit down and study for the upcoming physics test with me, because neither of us want you to fail.” He replies.

“Right.” I make the transition from girl mode to study mode. It's not so much something you flip and it's done, like a light switch. It's more like grabbing something and throwing it in the back of a packed closet, at least in my case. Things have a habit of rolling back to the forefront when you try to pile them too high. But I don't have time for that, the library isn't open all day and I guess I need to brush up on my inertia and momentum and cubic volumes and someone please kill me now. Without another word, I stalk off to grab two more of the smaller beanbag chairs that are luckily still unclaimed, hauling them over to set them around the back of the first. Finally, I plop into the central chair. If any of the bigger ones were still free I wouldn't need the others, but as it is this prevents me from falling backwards and hitting my head on the floor if I were to suddenly go dark.

Hisao watches me, looking somewhere between impressed and confused. “What if you fall forwards?” He asks, one eyebrow raised.

Without skipping a beat, I reach into my bag and pull out a thick green sweatshirt, setting it on the table in front of me as padding. Then I look back to Hisao, my expression blank. Your move.

“You've really got the hang of this, don't you?” Now he's halfway between impressed and apologetic. I give him a tired smile.

“Like I've said before, I've had a lot of time to get used to things. Now about that physics test...”

Time wears on. My mental picture of the class's content is so full of holes that we have to start at the beginning, brushing over the more important concepts and formulas. Hisao patiently explains each of them and answers any questions I have, although he does have to consult the book more than once. Even when I fall asleep, he just takes the time to lay out what we're going to talk about next. It's completely different from sitting in the row in front of him in class, or even eating lunch together. The heaviness of the library, the afternoon heat that's slowly fading, just the feeling of his presence next to mine, it's... good. I find myself enjoying studying more than I have in a long time.

“You know,” I say as Hisao is thumbing through the pages of our textbook. “You've not bad at this whole tutoring thing. Maybe you should put an ad in the school paper.” I reach out with my hands as if framing a photograph.

“Hisao Nakai: Master of Physics.”

He laughs. “I'm not THAT good at it, you're just not as bad as you think.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.”

“Ah, but the momentum I've already got is conserved, remember?”

My head sinks forward into my emergency sweater.

“Here lies another victim of physics jokes.” I mumble into the fabric.

“Sorry.” Hisao continues flipping through his book. “I'll stick to Shakespeare from now on.”

“More matter with less art, then.”

“Was that from Shakespeare? I don't recognize it.”

I nod, my head still buried in my sweater. “That was Hamlet.”

“Ah. I, uh, haven't read that one.” He sounds guilty. I'm tempted to ask just how much he has read, but that could come off as pretentious. Part of me can't help but wonder though, if maybe he has a few plays tucked somewhere in this pile of books too, and he's only reading Shakespeare to impress me. Would someone do that? Read just enough to make romantic quotes every now and then?

But he's taking the time to look into my condition, even if he's not open about it. And I can't say I haven't been a little bit sneaky myself. I decide that even if he is pretending to know more than he does about plays and sonnets, I don't really mind. That he cares enough to read them at all is interesting to me.

We continue grinding down the lessons, concepts and practice materials for our class. I fall asleep during a thrilling discussion of the law of conservation of something or other, waking up to find my cheek pressed rather uncomfortably into the side of a book. It beats the table, but I wish I could have aimed for my emergency sweater.

Next to me, Hisao has taken the opportunity to sink his own face into one of the novels he was looking at before I arrived. I stare at him for a little while, waiting to see how long it takes for him to notice that he isn't alone anymore.

It actually ends up taking a couple of minutes. Finally, he glances over at me, and his eyebrows shoot up.

“Oh hey. Welcome back.” He smiles. Smiles! But I feel like a jerk. “Ready for more?” He asks.

“I'm sorry.” I say, pushing myself back up to a sitting position.

“What for?”

I can't help but grimace. It was all right before but now it's been a couple of hours, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm just wasting his time.

“You're going through all this trouble to help me with this stuff, and I can barely stay awake.” I think back to some of the times we've talked before. Narcoleptics probably make terrible dates, I would end up sleeping half of it away, just like I'm doing now. It's one of the things that bothers me the most about not being able to go out by myself – I constantly worry about boring the other person to death. It took a long time for Miki to convince me that it really didn't bother her, partly because she's such an active person. But maybe I've managed to rub off on her a bit, and she enjoys being able to take a break now and then during my sleeping spells.

“Don't worry about it.” Hisao puts down his book, then gestures to the hordes of others he has at hand. “I came prepared after all. And besides, I need to go over this stuff too.”

I peer at him carefully. “Are you sure you don't mind?”

Hisao nods. “I don't mind. I promise.”

Something clicks into place, somewhere inside me. I want to believe him just now. I want to believe him so badly, even though I'm not sure why. I just know that if he's okay with it, and we could spend more afternoons like this, doing stupid stuff like studying or even, even just talking... I think I'd like that. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd like that a lot.

I find myself nodding back, smiling.

We resume studying before things start to get awkward.

I can feel myself beginning to get a headache from all this crunching through stuff that I've missed, but Hisao soldiers on. I'm holding on with all my strength at this point, arms resting on the table with my head cradled between them. But I watch him as he points to different sections of our textbook, how he uses his hands to illustrate concepts, that look of satisfaction in his eyes when I tell him that I understand.

It's clear to me now that this isn't the boy who walked into my classroom, what feels like ages ago. This isn't the boy who walked into my life, and somehow wound up settling in. I still see that boy sometimes, he stands in the main lobby of the school, looking lost and empty. He watches all the other students in the cafeteria during lunch, wondering how he ever came to belong here. He stares up at the sky after class, looking like a fish out of water. But with every passing day, every passing week, he gets a little softer, a little blurrier around the edges, like a painting that's gradually being filled in, or like, like a new pair of shoes that are uncomfortable at first until you break them in, and then you're walking on clouds.
Okay, that was a bad analogy. The boy who's staring at me with the tiniest hint of a smile on his face would probably agree. Some part of me knows that he's waiting for me to come back to reality, but I'm not quite ready just yet, this is interesting. I stare back, my mind brimming with questions.

Who are you, Hisao? Who were you, before you came here? Back before whatever it was that brought you to Yamaku, were your eyes always as bright as when you're explaining some physics problem? Were you solid and real, did you know where you were and that you belonged? Were you someone that I could grab and shake and know that I'm there, because you are?

That empty, depressed, awkward teenager, who followed Mutou into the classroom and stood there nervously while he was introduced. Was it pity, that made me eventually decided that he was someone I wanted to know better? No, no. I think the entire reason I was drawn to him in the first place is because I used to be just like him. There was a time when I wore that same lost look, when I used to wonder how I ever wound up this way. What I'd done to deserve being like this.

I feel my eyes begin to water, if only the tiniest bit, a strange sensation that mixes with the familiar tugging of fatigue as my unfocused gaze lingers on the blurry form of the boy sitting next to me. I want to meet the person you used to be, Hisao, before something reached inside and took your heart away. I want to meet the entire you, the whole you.

Maybe while I'm at it, I could meet the whole me, too. It's been... a long time. A very long time, it feels like. They say a year can fly by in an instant, but to me, it's been an eternity.

My eyes refocus to see Hisao staring at me, head cocked slightly. Not irritated, not even particularly curious either. Just watching patiently.

Waiting for me to come back.

It's been a long time since that's happened, too.

“Sorry, I...” I feel a yawn coming on, always a useful distraction to help buy me a few more seconds to think.

“It's okay.” Hisao says, stretching his arms above his head. The afternoon has begun to turn into evening, the library will probably be closing soon.

“It's easy to tell when you're drifting off and when you're just daydreaming.” He glances at me sideways while pulling a slip of paper out of a folder.

“What do you mean?” I blink, sitting up.

“Well. For starters, you don't just sit there and stare.” He turns to face me, smiling. “You kind of do this thing where you look off into space, and then tilt your head, and then you look over here.” He mimics the motions that I apparently make. I don't know if I should laugh or be offended.

“Next you look up, like you're checking to make sure it's safe to go on. And then you frown at something, or bite your lip, or...”

“Okay okay, I get it.” I feel my face turning red. Do I really look that silly when I'm thinking too hard about stuff?

“Just making a public service announcement.” He shrugs, but he's got that sly look again. I let myself fall backwards onto my multi-beanbag support device, completely exhausted.

“Can we take five?” I ask. I close my eyes, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to open them again. But I feel a shadow fall across me.

“Um...” A familiar voice sounds. I manage to pry open one eye and spot Yamaku's librarian, standing behind us and looking uncomfortable.

“Oh hey Yuuko.” I'm still sinking into the trio of beanbags supporting me. “Are you kicking us out?”

“Well, the library is closing, so I have to start putting things away.” She wrings her hands, looking pointedly at the stacks of books covering the table while trying to avoid sounding accusing.

“Oh, right. Right.” Hisao starts throwing his things into his bag. He looks at Yuuko, then at me, then at all the books arranged in piles.

“Do you think you're ready for the test now, Suzu?” He asks. I can tell he wants to make his escape.

I look at him groggily, still laying on my back. I try to go over all the things that we'd just spent hours covering. It's all a lot clearer to me now, but there are a couple questions that I haven't had time to ask yet. And Hisao looks like he wants to be elsewhere, but not necessarily alone. I think this might be a hint that I'm supposed to take. I hope I don't mess this up.

I nod slowly a couple times. Wait no, wrong, I seamlessly transition to shaking my head. No sir I do not feel ready.

“Well I guess we'll just have to continue elsewhere then.” Hisao offers a hand to pull me up, and I accept. As I get to my feet, I can't help but think how perfectly his hand fits in mine.

“Do you, uh, want some help getting these sorted out?” Hisao says to Yuuko. He starts pulling a few books to one side, conveniently out of my sight, I spot the one I know to be about narcolepsy among them.

He's about as sneaky as Mutou is. Oh well.

“That's okay... it's my job to do it, so I have to be able to handle it no matter how many things there are to put away.” Her words say no, but her deflating posture says yes. Hisao doesn't seem to be taking the hint, though.

“Okay, well in that case we'll be going then. Thanks, Yuuko.” He replies. I start putting my things back into my bag, and then we begin walking towards the exit. Behind us, I hear Yuuko let out a long sigh. Growing up must be terrible.

“That was mean.” I remark once we're out of earshot.

“Huh? What's that? 'Thank you Hisao Nakai, physics tutor extraordinaire, for making sure I pass my class'? Why, the pleasure is all mine.”

“That was meaner!” I weakly aim an elbow at his shoulder, but he just laughs. “And besides, you owe me for getting you into the literature club.”

Hisao stops walking, and turns around. “That's very true.” He says.

The setting sun is pouring through the windows of the hallway behind him, framing his body in a brilliant gold outline. His features are darkened in contrast, I can barely make out the slight smile that rests on his face. His eyes are distant.

“In fact, I'm grateful to you for a lot of things.” He looks up at me, staring straight into my eyes.

I stare back. We're doing it again. This must be what happens when an unstoppable force meets a... meets a... I can't remember the rest. But if I didn't know better, I could swear there was a table between us, and on it, a plastic screen littered with pegs and slots and tiny little ships.

A2. That's the last move. The memory seeps back to me now. I'm so close, so close to seeing what happens next. So close to taking that last step, and I'm still scared. But the boy in front of me looks a little scared too, and that makes me feel a little less alone.

Hisao speaks again. His words sound practiced. “I didn't know left from right when I first got here, at Yamaku. I didn't think I'd ever be able to get the hang of things, and I didn't know if I'd ever feel 'normal' again. But you, and Miki, you picked me up. You had me pretending to be like everybody else, until I realized that I wasn't pretending anymore.”

Well, it wasn't entirely selfless, I want to say. But I keep quiet, he looks like he isn't finished yet.

“Do you really think you'll be able to do well on the physics test?” He asks.

Huh? That wasn't what I was--wait, what WAS I expecting?

“Um, yeah, I think so.” I glance sideways at nothing, then look back at Hisao and nod. He smiles weakly.

“That's good. Because if we both do pretty good on it, I had an idea about how we could celebrate.”

I'm not quite following. I can tell that he can tell from the look of panic that slowly creeps across his face.

“I mean, what I'm saying is...” He trails off, and then something seems to occur to him. He laughs to himself, and then looks like someone punched him in the gut.

This is awkward. Wait.


The orange glow of a sunset all around us. The two of us, standing like this, alone in a hallway. He's talking about doing something to celebrate. Is this? Is he? Is he going to?

Oh god.

“You see...” Hisao finally continues. He stares at me with a smile on his reddening face, but his eyes still have that wistful expression.

“I wanted to know...”

My mouth is drawn in a line, my eyes are wide. I'm sure my face is every bit as red as his.

“...if you'd go out with me.” He finally gets the words out, staring at me intensely. The pressure of the moment almost seems to be exerting a physical toll on him, as one hand is on his bag but the other goes to his chest, as if shielding his heart in case of rejection.

Time seems to slow down. Should I have seen this coming? I guess I knew this was coming. He'd practically told Miki he was going to confess. But I guess I'd just put the words out of my mind, focused on other things, maybe out of fear of expecting something and being let down. Did he agree to studying with me so that he'd have a chance to--no, stop Suzu. I can't get carried away on the tide. I have to be here, now.

Hisao is still watching me, his eyes searching for signs of a reaction. How long has it been since he stopped talking? I haven't responded yet, have I? I hope not, because I'm about to.

Yep. I'm right about to respond.

Yeah. Any second now.

Here it comes.

“I, uh.” It's a start. Before I can go any further though, a door next to us that we had both forgotten existed opens. Standing there is Mutou, who blinks at us in complete surprise. We stare back, probably looking like a pair of deer caught in headlights.

No one says anything. Slowly, very slowly, I reach over and, face liable to burst into flames any second, close the door again. Mutou makes no objection as he disappears from view.

I turn back to Hisao, who's grip on his chest has tightened.

“That didn't--that didn't kill the moment, did it?” I ask shakily.

“No, I don't think so.” He responds, sounding just as terrified.

“Okay.” I clear my throat. Now is the time for action. I guess. Here we go.

“Well, uh. I, I think you're... kind of amazing, actually, Hisao.” His face brightens, but only a little bit. He still seems to be bracing for the worst. I smile, my throat is tight with fear but I want to try to reassure him that I'm not going to push him away.

“And, if you don't mind me falling asleep on you all the time, and needing help with things like tests, and not being able to run like Ibarazaki or paint like Tezuka...” Hisao looks confused, as if the idea had never occurred to him, but I'm reminded that there isn't anything I'm particularly good at, except passing out. And battleship, but I don't plan on telling anyone about that.

I don't really have any idea how we came to be standing here, only a few feet away, our faces as hot as the setting sun. It doesn't seem that long ago that we first met, that morning at the Nurse's office. Or the first time I fell asleep on his shoulder, during lunch. But here we are.

He likes me. Now I have a straight answer. And I guess I have to give a straight answer back, not only to him but to myself as well.

“But if you don't mind all that, then I...” I trail off. Oh god, I don't know how to do this. Do I say that I accept? Do I say that like him too? This is his fault, he worded it really weirdly. 'I wanted to know if you'd go out with me', who says that? Geez, I don't...

“Yes?” I finally end up saying, smiling awkwardly, my face probably completely red.

Hisao takes a few moments to process my answer. His fault, his fault. But then he catches up, and realizes what it entails. I'm relieved to see that he's just as much in the dark about all this as me.

“That's... that's great!” He breaks into a wide grin, his hand leaving his chest to fall to his side.

“So, the test is on Friday, so how about, on Saturday, we...” He picks up, then trails off again. This is just terrible. We're just terrible. I can't help but giggle a little. It's great.

“Okay.” I nod quickly.

Neither of us seem to know what to do next. Do we hug? I wouldn't mind a hug. Do we kiss? No, no way, I would die of embarrassment first. And besides, we'd have to hug first, that's how these things are supposed to work, right? I decide not to risk it. Hopefully once this is all over, I can get a hug whenever I like.

“So, uh, I'm going to go back to my room now and do a little more studying. To make sure we have something to celebrate about on Saturday.” I say. Hisao nods, still smiling widely. I really like that smile. I hope I get to see it more often.

We part ways, Hisao heading for the stairs and I almost make a dash for the elevators. We could have walked back to the dorms together, but I have no idea what we would have talked about and the alternative would be a horrible silence.

In fact, today is Wednesday. The test isn't until Friday.

Oh god, I'm doomed. We're doomed.

I slump against the wall of the elevator, feeling completely and utterly drained, but strangely alive. I mash the buttons to open and close the doors a few times, just to make sure that I don't arrive in the main lobby at the same time as Hisao and defeat the purpose of going different ways.

That just happened. I can't believe that just happened. He really--I mean, he thinks of me like--

Oh man. Miki is going to freak.

Next I Previous I First
Last edited by Scissorlips on Mon Nov 12, 2012 9:32 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by The O.H.L. » Tue May 29, 2012 8:19 am

I really enjoyed this chapter. Like, really enjoyed this chapter. Not too sure why though
Either way, good writing. I'm loving it (compulsary McDonalds slogan).
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by turbulentDuvet » Tue May 29, 2012 9:32 am

ScissorLips, again your words have had their hypnotic effect and I have found myself wrapped up in Suzus' world, and loving each and every second.

Thanks for an other excellent update, please keep up the lovely work.
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by Elcor » Tue May 29, 2012 9:34 am

Yes, it really did make my week.

Oh, you know how to tease and spread her answer out and that Mutou scene priceless.
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by nemz » Tue May 29, 2012 11:07 am

This story in one word: "Adorkable"
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by bradpara » Tue May 29, 2012 11:30 am

Suzu is now officially Hisao's girlfriend.

Loving this
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by lolawesome » Tue May 29, 2012 12:01 pm

Completely blown away by this chapter

Absolutely wonderful read

You've outdid yourself, Scissorlips

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by TheSovietOverlord » Tue May 29, 2012 2:57 pm

Incredeble! Nuff said

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by Ascended Flutist » Tue May 29, 2012 2:58 pm

Scissorlips wrote:by Scissorlips » Wed Apr 11, 2012 8:35 am
For real ?
This was sitting there all this time, and I discover it only now ?
Give me a minute.

*comes back with a bloodied forehead.*

...That's more like it. Now. Sir.

This isn't good. This isn't great. This is one of the goddamn best fanfic I've ever read. No, scratch that. If you fic was a goddamn book, I'd have bought it and read it as fast as a Frank Herbert novel, and the man has basically a shrine dedicated to him in my house. One with bas-reliefs, candles, effigies, offerings and everything else that makes a shrine a good shrine.

tl;dr review :

"It's full of...good." —My english-speaking split-personnality.
"C'est...magnifique." —The french one.
"Scissorlips fhtagn" —The other one.

10/10, would readgasm again.
And to live in Peace A post Hanako Good End fanfiction. That about sums it up.

Fanfics Thou shalt not regret reading : Bloodline, Doomish's Misha Pseudo-route, Rika's Story, A Pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route.
There are many other apocryphas worth reading in the fanfiction section. Do yourself a favor, dig them up and read them. Reading is good.

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by justanotherlurker » Tue May 29, 2012 5:20 pm

Absolutely fantastic. I've been following only this fanfic for a while now and I haven't been disappointed once. The confession was so awkward, so perfect for teenagers who overthink everything. Master of romance indeed; you make snoozu such a loveable character.

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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by Roamin12 » Tue May 29, 2012 6:24 pm

This chapter was amazing, I enjoyed it so much with the awkwardness and Mutou scene. My favourite one yet.
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by griffon8 » Wed May 30, 2012 3:54 pm

nemz wrote:This story in one word: "Adorkable"
Ha! Yes, that is certainly the word for it.

Best chapter yet, I think.
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by johnmalkovich » Wed May 30, 2012 5:01 pm

1st, and foremost, this is the greatest most awesome bit from the entire story:
Slowly, very slowly, I reach over and, face liable to burst into flames any second, close the door again. Mutou makes no objection as he disappears from view.
I confess, I cracked up into an entirely inappropriately loud laughing fit when I read this.

Anyways, I've been lurking this fic for a bit now and I have to say, I am enjoying this. Reading it from suzu's POV is a refreshing change. Keep up the good work
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by Total Destruction » Thu May 31, 2012 12:19 am

Agreed that Mutou makes the HELL outta this chapter. Even without him, this would've been awesome and precious and just d'aaawwwwwww, but he definitely brings a very "this is so awkward it could happen to YOU, kids" feel to it.

Dig it!
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Re: A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (updated 5/29)

Post by Emulsifier » Mon Jun 04, 2012 2:43 am

I hate to be a spelling nazi, but it should be "physics", not "psychics"...

But, even with that, I'd gush about this if it weren't for the other readers already having gushed as much as I want to.

As someone else said, "It's full of... good." I can't wait for the next update.

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