The Foreigner

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
Roamin12
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:53 pm
Location: USA

The Foreigner

Post by Roamin12 » Sat Apr 07, 2012 9:14 pm

A/N: This story is sort of being re-done, I feel as though while I have a decent premise to start the story on, I was running blind, and I hated that. So, I'm taking a more definite approach this time, (I have a definite outline) and trying something a little, unique, something I am yet to see in a writing (From that which I have seen anyway, it probably has been done before.)and hopefully it turns out alright, you'll see what I mean. I'm keeping the main charcter, all I'm doing is tweaking some details, making it clearer, and things such as that. However, there are three major changes, one of which will lead to the unique part I mentioned. (Also I am taking silentcook's advice and am switching back to word pad as it will help in the long run and will try to take more time to write and revise.)

I'm laying in my hospital ward bed currently and wondering "Why the hell am I here?" And the answer to that?

A cut, a measly cut on my foot lead to me requiring an amputation.

"So much for any pride I have." I think grimly, "the loss of a foot. Not something I often think about, let alone by one little god-damn cut. One freaking cut took me down as if it were nothing, well a cut and an infection. Damn bacteria."

I continue to think this as I lie on the bed, then suddenly the door opens and a doctor walks in, breaking into the privacey I previously held as my own and bringing me out of my reverie.

The doctor appears to be in his late 20's, meaning he couldn't have been a doctor long, and in fact would be just out of his internship, that is if my guess is correct. His eyes are nearly pure black, meaning he has a nearly 100% chance of having brown eyes. He has a hair colour I can't place for other people, but to me seems to be fairly dark, my guess is brown or black, though I will never be able to tell. "On the account that I have the privledge of being on of the few completely colourblind people on the planet." I think with dry sarcasm, not that I can really be angry about it, since I have no idea what colour is, just what people tell me. And it seems like an impossible notion to me.

"Well, how do you feel Benjamin?" he asks, a thin smile spreading over a face that I assume is handsome face to females, he seems to fit the bill to me, as he looks down at me on my hospital bed.

"Just dandy" I reply my voice dripping with sarcasm. "when can I leave?" my voice switching to a more serious tone.

He frowns a little at that "Well, we can't tell as of right now, but you should be out of here in a few weeks." he says in a tone I assume is for children.

My eye twiches a little at this with frustration. When will adults learn that you don't have to talk to a 17 year-old as if I were a little kid asking where babies come from? But that tone also tells me that I easily could be in here for longer, as adults sugar-coat everything when they use that tone, as I've learned over the years.

"Great." I say, continuing to use the sarcasm that has earned me few friends in all my years of school.

His smile returns in full force "Now no need for that tone Mr. Polk" says the doctor, whose nameplate reads David Gatewood, it took me long enough to actually read that.

"Watashi ha sore ha watashi ni ha seijin to hanashi o suru to shi tara koto o konomu, Gatewood." (I would prefer it if you would talk to me as an adult, Gatewood.) I say in a somewhat fluent way.

He seems dumbfounded for a moment, appearing to only to understand one word I said, his. This brings a smile to my face in a smart ass way.

He does, however, recovers quickly and smiles, but this time there is strain in that smile. "I am rather impressed you are fluent in another language at this young age, Polk." There is a definite edge to his voice now.

I am tempted to laugh at this. He has now acknowledged me as an equal by calling me merely by my last name as I did, excluding first names and any formal titles, even if it was a slip. Instead I decide to adopt a more friendly tone, knowing that he could mess with my medicine, after all, doctors can be suprisingly ruthless.

"Sorry about that, couldn't resist, now for an actual introduction. My name is Benjamin Polk, yours?" As I ask this last part, I lean forward and extend my hand for the long-time tradition of the handshake, feeling my new stub for a foot brush against the bed unnerves, me but I refuse to allow my discomfort to show.

He smiles a little, some of the strain still there but less then there was previously. "I can't touch you while I'm on duty, it's the hospital policy." as my hand retreats backwards, he continues "But my name is David Gatewood, as you already know."

I nod "Is that all you came in here for?" I ask.

"Well, yes and no. My superiors wanted me to check on you, and you have a visitor, I was checking if you were awake for him." As he says this he walks out of the room.
I sat there wondering who it was for about three seconds before figuring it out. I only had a handful of friends, no girlfriend, no siblings, and one parent. That was a no-brainer, my friends would come in a group, my father wouldn't, he'd come alone as he had no-one to come with. And not to mention the doctor said "he".

It takes a few minutes for him to walk in, his light grey hair, or blonde as those with coloured vision called it, reflecting the light off of it, as if wanting to keep away the light. His black as night eyes scanning the room, absorbing all the details, as he does with any foreign room he steps into so he can remember where everything lies. And I notice he is carrying something in a case to his side, I quickly recognize it as a gutair and I feel a twinkle of joy at seeing that. I loved playing gutair, and it looks like he brought my acoustic one to help pass the time. And though I'd never tell him this, I'm glad he actually visited given that I haven't even been in the same country as him for the majority of the year.

"Hey Ben, how's it going?" he says, opening up with a friendly greeting to acompany a smile on his face, but I can see the pain in his eyes. It makes me angry at the microscopic beings that invaded my foot for making my reunion with dad being because of hospitalization. And not to mention the fact that I'm angry at myself for being weak enough to succumb to a mere cut.

"Hey dad." I say, purposefully ignoring his "how's it going" so I don't have to lie and say I'm fine or reply with a sarcastic remark that would more than likely soil his visit.

"So, how'd the final semester go?"

"Fine, straight A's as per usual."

"Good, good..." he says trailing off.

"So where have you been the last few weeks?" I ask, knowing that he had been on a business trip for the past few weeks, but not knowing where.

"Japan, and spekaing of which, how'd your Japanese classes go?" He says referring to the Japanese language courses I have been taking the past three years.

I smile at this "I believe I'm fluent enough at this point, though something to help with a few of the more tricky rules of the language would be a tremendous help."

"Hon ha yoi daro u ka?" (Would a book be fine?)

I smile and reply with "Hai,toki ni,nihongo o shuutoku shi mashi ta ka?" (Yes, and when did you learn Japanese?)

He goes back to English "I've only learned a little, I have only had a few months to learn. I think I do have a decent hold on it, however, and to be honest it's easier than English."

"Seems like it to me, and yes, it is easier than English in my opinion as well. And also if you don't mind me asking, how longer will you be in Japan? You wouldn't spend months learning a new language to visit for a few weeks."

He rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably as if trying to formulate a way to say something.

I realize this and to give him a few moments of privacy, I turn my head to the right, and look directly into a mirror.

My light gray eyes, or blue as some have refered to them, stare back to me and my very dark grey hair, or brown as it has been called, is splayed out it multiple directions. My shaggy appearance is nothing new. I never been one to get a haircut once every few weeks, or comb my hair everyday, unless the day is an occasion such as picture day or something of the such, however this is much shaggier than usual, with my hair splayed out in multiple directions, I'll have to remedy that soon. I look ridiculous.

Many people are suprised to see that one of the top students at the very well-regarded private school I go to look so shaggy and have such a nonchalant attirude. And I can't blame them, many others who are on the same level of mine when it comes to grades look well-pampered and have an arrogant attitude. I have a little of the latter, but that is usually only displayed around those I find unpleasant, I don't have much, or any of the former however.

As I turn around to face my father again after about ten or so seconds of waiting, he is holding out a pamphlet. Raising an eyebrow, I take it.

"YAMAKU" the front proclaims with the image of a large school with expansive grounds decorate the front. After quickly reading through the pamphlet, I quickly put two-and-two together and figure out where this is going.

I look up into my father's passive eyes and say "So, we're moving to Japan, and this is the school you want me to attend while we reside inside the country?"

He winces, he knows the shock and anger hidden behing my eloquent speech and calm words, this isn't the direction he wants this to go, or so I believe.

"I knew you'd be angry, but I don't want to leave you on your own while I go to Japan, for quite possibely forever." He says calmly, knowing that when I was like this, staying calm like my voice pretends I am, is the best way to truly get me to be calm.

I sigh conceeding to the point, I feel the anger subside, not completely, more like subdue than subside "I understand what you mean, and if it means anything I'd rather leave this place as well, I know it will never be the same with my...condition...here and that I will probably be pitied" I say this while bitterness makes its way into my voice "it's probably best to start with a clean slate."

"I know you're bitter about this, but trust me, Japan is a great country!"

I can't help but smile "I know, and thanks for wanting me along." I say whole heatedly.

"No problem" he says, then he hesitates "you do know what type of school this is right."

"Yes, I saw, a school for the disabled, it's just another reminder that it won't be the same anymore. But, at least I can't be pitied there like I would here with most other student's having conditions just as, if not worse, than mine."

"Now," says dad says in a business-like tone "we do have some details to discuss."

I smile give a real, honest-to-god smile for the first time since I've been here at that. that's dad for you, being the only adult to treat me like I know anything and trust me enough to actualy share some damn details.


A/N: The main reason I re-did this is because I felt like a cop-out for just taking some disabilities from KS and throw a little of each into the character. I feel this is much better as well. And I described the hair and eye color in a colour-blind and full-colour way to give you the visual image of the OCs, that is all I'm going to do it for, the rest will be in a black-and-white way.

Major changes:
1. Ben is no longer Blind in his left eye, just completely colour blind in both eyes.
2. Burn scars are gone.
3. Reason why he lost his limb had been changed to a less dramatic, but more original, and likely, way.

Why I like it better (In my opinion, of course):
1. Ben feels more unique
2. It also just seems a lot better written.
3. The story is more fleshed out and isn't directed from Ben-to-reader, and instead is presented in a 1st person POV, which I like a lot more.
Last edited by Roamin12 on Mon Apr 09, 2012 8:07 pm, edited 3 times in total.
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

User avatar
BobBobberson
Posts: 215
Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 1:25 am
Location: Teufort, Skyrim

Re: The Foreigner

Post by BobBobberson » Sat Apr 07, 2012 9:42 pm

So this guy's a left foot-less male version of Hanako who magically learned a good amount of Japanese in a short amount of time?

Sounds good, although it might make more sense to just make him go in at the same time as Hisao (as a replacement for him or if he'll be seeing Hisao as well). Unless Hisao was chilling with all 5 girls the year before, which would affect the dialogue? Anyways, keep on going, there won't be much to judge until we start seeing them character interactions.

Oh, and you spelled incident wrong in the first paragraph. And it's "Perhaps AN explanation", not and.

User avatar
Roamin12
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:53 pm
Location: USA

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Roamin12 » Sat Apr 07, 2012 11:57 pm

BobBobberson wrote:So this guy's a left foot-less male version of Hanako who magically learned a good amount of Japanese in a short amount of time?

Sounds good, although it might make more sense to just make him go in at the same time as Hisao (as a replacement for him or if he'll be seeing Hisao as well). Unless Hisao was chilling with all 5 girls the year before, which would affect the dialogue? Anyways, keep on going, there won't be much to judge until we start seeing them character interactions.

Oh, and you spelled incident wrong in the first paragraph. And it's "Perhaps AN explanation", not and.
Yeah, as I said I'm terrible with grammar, and a lot of original ideas I had were scrapped as they felt as if they were copying characters. Yes, I know he sounds like a Emi-Hanako clone with a bit of Lilly/Kenji in there, but I don't know much about disabilities and a lot of the research I did ended up conflicting with each other. And I probably should have described the scars more because they are NOTHING like Hanako's. They will fade in a couple years (If my research ends up being legitimate). As this is my first writing that contains an OC so describing a brand new character might take a while to get used to. There will probably be little plot holes as I write on the fly, every time I plan something out it goes to shit real fast, which sucks. And as a last note, the hint that he took Japanese as some of his classes in high school should be more obvious, I'll edit that in so it's less obscure.
EDIT: Thanks for the feedback!
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

User avatar
The O.H.L.
Posts: 186
Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2012 4:36 am
Location: Hamilton, New Zealand

Re: The Foreigner

Post by The O.H.L. » Sun Apr 08, 2012 1:08 am

Just posting this before I read right through it, but I've encountered two instances where I assume you mean an but you put and.
Guess who's back, back, back, back again.
Not that I ever made any great contributions, but oh well, too bad.

User avatar
Roamin12
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:53 pm
Location: USA

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Roamin12 » Sun Apr 08, 2012 1:56 am

Chapter 2: Arrival
The scenery passes quickly, me not even bothering to absorb the details myself, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the outdoors much on the account of my leg, I'd even need someone to walk into town with or for me to get supplies. I hate depending on others.
I am currently in a smelly, crowded bus full of students who are on their way to start the new school year at the school most of them have been going to for the past few years. They were those who were acclimated to their condition, but there were those who looked nervous just as I do, more than likely those are the ones who would be here for the first time as well. But there were those who looked absolutely bewildered, those were the ones who weren't on the bus to go to the school, they were the ones who were there to get into the town below the school, unaware of who they would be sharing the bus with. Their pale, nerve wrecked, and in some cases, panic striken, faces actually amused me. After what had happened to me made all this seem oddly normal, no not normal, more like...acceptive. I am still not used to looking at missing limbs or things similar to this, but I have come to accept it, after all, we're all in the same boat.
But some of the other students did eye me oddly. It was apparent it wasn't because of my missing foot, most of them couldn't care less, they were staring because of my looks. And this was not because I was some handsome knight, I had average looks, or at least where I come from, but here I was an exotic sight.
I ignored their stares, instead opting to continue to vacantly stare out of the window, my thought far away from this place, in my own mind. I still found it hard to imagine that I was missing a limb because of one small cut, just one goddamn cut! I know it wasn't because of the cut itself, but because of all the bacteria that now had a direct pipeline into my blood stream. The infection had spread at an insane rate, quickly killing nearly every cell in my foot. There was no time for a cure, they had to stop it immediately before I lost my entire leg, so they did what they had to do, amputate.
I grimace at this and notice that the light grey scenery had given way to the dark grey shade of the brick buildings of the town. Only a few more minutes before I go to my new school.
"The school for the outsiders, the rejects of society." I think bitterly.
The next few minutes pass with little activity, with the exception of the occasional person lifting their suitcases to attention. My own possesions have been transported ahead of time as I would have been incapable to carry them. The only thing I carry at this time is a small bag filled with school books and one book for actual enjoyment.
As the bus pulls up to a curb of a large, light grey complex, complete with sprwaling grounds, and I'm pretty sure I can see a track from here as well. This is the infamous Yamaku, seems nice so far, with it's ornate gate, well-kept grounds, and pavement with few cracks in them.
The bus quickly unloads itself, thankfully so I can get off quickly. I am one of the last off the bus, having to hop down the steps, something I have gotten used to doing the past few weeks.
The April air feels nice on my skin, not going to lie, and the warm sun quickly warms me up from the slightly chilly air spread throught the bus by the over-active air conditioning system. As much as I love cold weather, spring time still has a nice feel.
I hobble quickly to keep up with the crowd, filled with nearly the same shades of grey and black as the last one, due to these accursed uniforms. Even though nearly every school I have attended has made use of uniforms, I still hate them.
Ignoring the ocassional cursory glance by the curious individual, more than likely wondering what a foreigner is doing here, I make my way to the main lobby, where I'm supossed to meet the teacher of class 3-3.
I wonder how I'm supossed to know who this teacher is, but that is quickly answered by a sign that points in the direction of where multiple different classes meet, I quickly spot one titled 3-3 and I head in that direction. There are already a few students here, the rest would be here later, as I took the first one in here to avoid being the center of attention for a long as possible. I nod to my new class mates and listen to the teacher who says his name is Matou, and gives us directions to the class room.
We all head off at a brisk pace, or at least they do as I struggle to keep up. Two of them notice that and apparently taking pity on me, slow down to walk at my pace.
"Thanks." I say.
"No problem, foreigner!" One says rather loudly, with a wide grin plastered across her face.
I am suprised at her loud exclamation, and look at her funny for a moment, and then I feel my eyes widen at her bizzare appearance.
She has a giant grin broadcasted across her face, but that isn't the most intresting part, her hair is styled into giant curls along her chest, they actually look as if they were drills. Her hair is a shade I can't place, somewhat light grey, but not grey enough to match the colour "blonde" as some call it. The colour is more than likely un-natural as I can't remember the last time I saw that shade on someone.
"Uhhhh..Hello..." I reply smoothly.
She looks confused, "What? Do you speak even Japanesse?" She says while signing.
I soon recognize the signing as sign language, but before I can wonder about that, I realize what I said. I spoke in ENGLISH. What a stupid mistake to make.
I quickly switch to Japanesse, "Sorry about that. Hello, my name is Polk Benjamin, but I would perfer if you would just call me Ben." Then I quickly add "And why were you using sign language?"
She appears to sign that as well, I only relaize it's sign language because I learned some once, and I remembered some apparently.
"Oh, it's for Shicchan there behind you! Wahahahahah~!" Her boistrous laughter is even more stunning than her "drills".
Shaking this off I look behind me, having to crane my neck to do so, and see a girl with glasses, almost pure black hair, and having a business like look on her face.
"Shicchan? Is that a nickname?" I ask.
"Yes! Her real name is Hakamachi Shizune! She is deaf so I interpret for her and say what she wants so she can be involved in conversations! Wahahahahah~!" Damn, that laugh again, it's going to give me a headache, I can already tell. But what she says makes sense, and I can't help but be impressed as I notice she was signing the whole conversation to Shizune with ease.
"Makes sense." I say impassively, letting any admirition or emotion in voice.
She frowns "You don't have to be so monotone you know!"
I'm suprised she has the gall to say that after just meeting her, she sure as hell isn't shy.
"Very well then." I say allowing a small smile show on my features before returning to my normal, impassive face. "Now, we should be getting to class now."
I continue on, without waiting for their answer, wanting to get settled down in the class room quickly.
As we enter the room, I see about three people are in here already. One sits in the front row, her hand missing with a stump at the end of her arm, another one with a missing apendage. And I see two people in the back conversing, I don't get a good look at either, but one appears to be a girl with pure black hair, next to a guy with a hair colour that appears to be in the middle of the black-and-white spectrum, and I can clearly see one or two strips of his hair refusing to stay down.
I quickly hobble to a desk as far away from everyone else as possible and sit down without another word.

The room ends up filling up at a more rapid pace than I had expected and know the moment I dread is coming soon, the introduction. I would have to introduce myself to the entire class, and that is enough to ruin my entire day.
I sigh and go ahead and hobble to the front of the class to be at the ready.
I notice a few others come in and stand next to me, presumably the other new students. There aren't many, but better than none.
After a few more moments Matou walks in a little oddly. "Please welcome these new students." He says and sits down at his desk looking immensely tired. "Well go ahead and introduce yourselves." He says before putting his head down on his desk.
I can't help but give a smile at that, he made it short, simple, and bluntly. Just the way I like it, I imagine I can learn to like this guy.
One of the group goes up and introduces himself awkwardly before taking a seat. "At least I didn't have to take the initiative" I think before heading up myself.
I notice some people raise their eyebrows or something akin to that as they gaze at the foreigner.
"Hello, my name is Polk Benjamin, I would prefer to go by Ben. I recently transferred here from the U.S. My hobbies are reading, video games, and chess. That is all."
I say this with an impassive face and calm voice despite the fact that I felt ready to kill myself, I hate introducing myself to groups.
I head back to my desk and slump down in it, taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, for some reason I can never truly remain calm during introductions.
The rest of the introductions are awkward as well, nothing new there.
As the class starts, I feel relaxed, science is, after all, my favorite subject.
Last edited by Roamin12 on Tue Apr 10, 2012 5:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6041
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Apr 08, 2012 3:37 am

So your OC is half blind, hard of hearing, missing a foot and has burn-scars? Is he going to lose a hand soon as well, or do you think you've done enough to him already?
Also, having the protagonist blatantly address the readers and tell them his life-story is about as close as you can get to writing a character bio without doing a powerpoint presentation.
The homeroom teacher of Lilly's class is called Miss Miyagi, and there's a semi-canon story by Suriko featuring her. She teaches English and manages the astronomy club.
I used her in one of my fics as well, but I don't think you should use that as a reference ;-)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Silentcook
Carelessly Cooking You
Posts: 2526
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:22 am
Location: Imola, Italy

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Silentcook » Sun Apr 08, 2012 8:24 am

Roamin12 wrote:I switched writing programs, so hopefully that will help with misspellings and incorrect grammar, as I was using notepad before. (I don't have word, unfortunately.)
Trusting a writing app to help you with writing is never, ever, ever a good idea. You not having Word is a good thing, and going back to Notepad would probably improve your skill in the long run.

Still, I'd advise to cut your teeth on something more manageable than a multi-chapter epic in order to get better.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

Image

User avatar
Roamin12
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:53 pm
Location: USA

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Roamin12 » Sun Apr 08, 2012 1:36 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:So your OC is half blind, hard of hearing, missing a foot and has burn-scars? Is he going to lose a hand soon as well, or do you think you've done enough to him already?
Also, having the protagonist blatantly address the readers and tell them his life-story is about as close as you can get to writing a character bio without doing a powerpoint presentation.
The homeroom teacher of Lilly's class is called Miss Miyagi, and there's a semi-canon story by Suriko featuring her. She teaches English and manages the astronomy club.
I used her in one of my fics as well, but I don't think you should use that as a reference ;-)
I think I'll just keep the teacher this way. And I was kind of wary on doing the first chapter as I did, but the addressing the reader part was over with the first chapter and now it's strictly a 1st person, present tense writing, that is if I don't screw up the tenses which I did on multiple occasions before I proofread it.And no, I won't add any more missing limbs or the sort, he's been through enough.
Silentcook wrote:Trusting a writing app to help you with writing is never, ever, ever a good idea. You not having Word is a good thing, and going back to Notepad would probably improve your skill in the long run.

Still, I'd advise to cut your teeth on something more manageable than a multi-chapter epic in order to get better.
When I switched I knew it wouldn't be an amazing improvement, it won't pick up all grammar mistakes nor all spelling, just the more obvious ones. The main reason I did is that I often mistype something and never notice it, despite it often being painfully obvious, after all I'm a terrible speed writer, as I'm sure you've all ready seen when it comes to obvious mistakes. And I'll attempt to make a cohesive outline to help with and overall plot and keep it from straying too far from that.
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

Silentcook
Carelessly Cooking You
Posts: 2526
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:22 am
Location: Imola, Italy

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Silentcook » Sun Apr 08, 2012 3:44 pm

Okay, but you seem to be missing the point.
Roamin12 wrote:after all I'm a terrible speed writer,
I don't get why you would have to be a "speed writer" at all. The idea would be to slow down, become more careful, and work on reducing your flaws. :|
Shattering your dreams since '94.

Image

User avatar
Roamin12
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:53 pm
Location: USA

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Roamin12 » Sun Apr 08, 2012 5:54 pm

Silentcook wrote:Okay, but you seem to be missing the point.
Roamin12 wrote:after all I'm a terrible speed writer,
I don't get why you would have to be a "speed writer" at all. The idea would be to slow down, become more careful, and work on reducing your flaws. :|
And that's my problem, I can't take ANYTHING slow. I have a mind set that I hate, the mindset of "Get done as soon as possible" even though I never actively think that. THAT is my major flaw when it comes to writing, and add in the fact I have the same mind set with reading, I often miss things. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but that's the truth, I've always been that way and I'll try to improve on that as time goes on. And thanks for the advice as well.

Also one quick update: I'm probably just going to re-do the first chapter so it reads smother, helps organize ideas, and also change around how he got his disability, but my idea I have in mind shouldn't affect the second chapter in many, or any ways, if it does, I'll change that accordingly as well, though any changes should be very minor in nature.
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

User avatar
advicefrog
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon Feb 06, 2012 7:29 pm

Re: The Foreigner

Post by advicefrog » Mon Apr 09, 2012 2:23 am

Off to a good start, please don't ruin this.
I don't have a favorite girl, they're all great.
Rika===Saki===Shizune=Lilly=Hanako=Rin=Emi
Image
Image

User avatar
Roamin12
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:53 pm
Location: USA

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Roamin12 » Mon Apr 09, 2012 8:05 pm

I just re-did the first chapter, except it really changes the story as a whole.
I like the new direction it's taking more In my own opinion

advicefrog wrote:Off to a good start, please don't ruin this.
Hopefully you don't mind the major changes I've made. And I'll try my best.
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

User avatar
Roamin12
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:53 pm
Location: USA

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Roamin12 » Thu Apr 12, 2012 5:49 pm

Chapter 3: The Offer

The next 30 minutes of the period passes in a series of unfocused, yet informative, ramblings from the teacher, Mutou. As much as I love science and that I normally find it easy to comprehend, the fact that we started lessons on the first day is a little odd, this causes me to be a little more unfocused than I ussualy am during lessons. Back in America, we generally didn't start learning anything until the second day, giving us time to get back into the normal rutine. But here, it seems as though they waste no time in shoving information down our throats. Despite being a straight A student where I come from, I still appreciate the time to acclimate myself back home, here it's sink or swim, it appears.

"...and here's the assignment, whatever you don't finish in class is for homework. Feel free to work in groups, maximum of five per group." Mutou says in a disintrested way, still looking as if he just woke up even though he had to have been awake for hours by this point, he even shuffles back to his desk as if he were about to collapse from exhaustion.

I quickly scan the room as the paper is passsed back to me from the person in the desk in front of me, looking for potential group-mates. As it happens, I wouldn't have to take the initiative to find my own partners as the two girls I had met earlier, Shizune and Misha, along with two of the kids in the back I had noticed when I first entered.

The guy looks about the same age as me, with no obvious disability on the surface with a small smile on his face, not really noticable, but still there, indicating he was at least in a good mood. His dark hair has a tuft sticking out of it in an almost comical way that reminds me of a ducks behind. His dark eyes seem to have a kind warmth to them, giving me the idea that he seems like a nice enough guy.

The girl behind him looks very timid, she looks as if she were using the guy to shield her from my gaze. Her hair is as dark as night, the eye that I can see also looks fairly dark. But those are the only details I can make out since her hair covers most the right side of her face, and she hides the rest of her body behind the one guy. She seems be pretty enough, but it is her nature I'm a little wary about. From her body language and the constant motion of her eyes, she seems like a very shy person, possibly paranoid, or maybe a combination of both.

"Hello, my name is Polk Benjamin, I perfer to go by Ben, what's your name?" I say to the guy, keeping a friendly voice, knowing that first impressions are very important.
He smile widens just a tad, implying I made a good introduction, "My name is Nakai Hisao. How's it going Ben?"

"Fine, just settling in a little. And how are you, name's Ben, as you've already heard." I direct this last part at the girl behind him.

Her eye widens a little, as if the fact that I would acknowlege her precense was astonishing.

"He-hello, my n-name is Ikezawa Han-Hanako." She manages out with a few stutters.
I figure out at this point she is just shy, probably not paranoid.

"Pleased to meet you." I say, keeping my tone friendly, and let a small smile out, they seemed like decent people.

"Now that we all know each other let's get started~!" yells Misha, her voice loud enough to gain the attention some other students, who quickly look away, realizing that there was nothing intresting going on.

The assignment was pretty easy, as Hisao, Shizune, and I seemed pretty adept at it, Hanako remained quiet mostly, her stutter soming into play whenever chiming in. The first time this happened, I looked up and figured out why she hid herself behind Hisao when I first saw her, the right side of her face looked like there were scars whirling all around it. I manage to keep my shock and suprise off of my face and out of my voice, but I really was suprised, I guess I know why she is here now.

I look around as we finish and realize we are the first ones to do so, with a full 15 minutes left. I mainly spend that time leaned back, thinking about various things and overall let my mind wander, as I seem to come up with my best idead when I do. Hisao and Hanako exchange a few quiet word here and there as they read while Misha and Shizune seem to be argueing about something via sign language, I try and remember my limited knowledge of sign language, but quickly give up as it refuses to come back to me, and I let my mind wonder again.
.................................................................................................................
The rest of the time passes quickly and I sigh, getting my small bag ready as I hop up on my cruches and head towards Mutou's desk.

"Hey, can I have my schedual?" I ask, sounding a bit more impatient than I meant to, impatience being on of the few emotions I have difficulty keeping out of my voice.

Mutou looks up, still looking detached simply says "Sure," and pulls out a piece of paper after briefly looking through a small stack, probably the other schedules.

"Thanks." I say, a little apologetically and hurry out the door after looking at the paper, seeing what class I have next and shoving the paper into my pocket and heading out.

My next period? Lunch.

I follow the signs scattered around and find the lunch room, a large spacious room full of standard-issue lunch table and chairs, with a few of the usual motivational posters plastered on the walls. It looks pretty standard in my opinion.

I sigh, figuring out quickly I'll need help getting my lunch. My eyes scan the room, looking for someone I know to help me get my lunch. Fortunately, I don't have to look for anyone as Misha and Shizune appear out of nowhere in the corner of my eye.

I can't hide my suprise at their sudden appearance, and given by Misha's now-infamous "WAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH~!", I must have looked pretty funny.

"So do you need help getting you lunch, Benchan?" Misha says still having a grin dominate her facial features.

"Yes I would app-wait, Benchan? It's just Ben." I say a little suprised at what she called me.

"To me you're Benchan~!" She says still having the same grin, "Now, what do you want for lunch?"

"Uhhh, just a Mandarin Salad, please." I say, figuring I would just go with something I was comfortable and familiar with.

"Sure!"
.......................................................................................
"How's was your salad Benchan?" Misha asks after I finish my salad and sharing a few hand signs with Shizune.

"Fine how was you....?"

"Miso soup."

"How was your Miso Soup?"

"Bland." As Misha says this, she loses her grin for the first time, and I'm actually glad it she dropped it, that confirms that she isn't a robot. "Have you thought about joining any clubs, Benchan?" She asks out of the blue.

I'm a little caught off guard at this, but I recover quickly, "I've given it some thought, is there a book club?"

"Yes, but it has already filled to the brim with people when sign-ups went up yesterday."

"What about a video game club?"

"Nope."

"A chess club?"
Once Shizune learns about this last question from Misha, her back straightens a little, and looks a little wary.

"Err, yes there is one, but it really doesn't have much as a membership as there are only three people in there, so it's a waste of time!" Misha says brightly, despite the awkward opening to that statement.

"I think that's what I want to join." I say, not really caring how many member there are, and alos curious as to why Shizune would seem so wary of me even mentioning the chess club.

"Are you sure? Wouldn't you want to join something a bit more pr-pre-prestigious?" She says, stumbling over the translation, and I quickly realize it's Shizune I have been talking to, not Misha, she was just translating, as why would she stumble over a word for no apparent reason if it weren't for the fact she wasn't sure it was right.

"Yes, but pray do tell, what is this prestigious club you would rather have me attend instead of this apparently taboo extra ciricular activity in which I wish to partake in?" I say, deciding to play mind games by utilizing my vocabulary in order to cause Misha to mess up the translation as much as possible.

Since they took about a minute to figure out how to translate some of the words, my little game apparently worked.

Misha finally replies after all the murky wording is cleared up.

"To join the student council of course!"
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6041
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Apr 12, 2012 6:52 pm

You should have your characters only use vocabulary you yourself are familiar with...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Roamin12
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:53 pm
Location: USA

Re: The Foreigner

Post by Roamin12 » Sat Apr 14, 2012 12:00 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:You should have your characters only use vocabulary you yourself are familiar with...
I seemed to fit to me. If they didn't please tell me how, I didn't notice anything wrong, but then again I'm terrible at proof reading.


Chapter 4: Negotiations
"Student council? Well, that was... unexpected." I say, obviously taken back this development. "Why would you ask me? And how can there already be a student council if it is the first day of school? And aren't they elected?"

"Yes they are elected, what we are asking is if you'll join once we win!" Misha says, her voice containing the same amount of unnatural excitement I'm pretty sure she will always have.

"You seem confident." I say, doubt evident in my voice, after all, if elections haven't even started, how can they be so sure they will win?

"Yes we are! We have won every previous year we have been here! So we should definitely win this year!" she exclaims loudly drawing attention from the some of the lunch room. Once they see it is just Misha yelling, they turn around and re-engage in their conversations before her outburst.

I'm felling a little bad at this point. Here they are, offering me a position on the student council, if they win, and I just tried, and succeded, to pull one of my small mind games, which has in the past, and probably still will in the future, made an ass out of myself.

"Well, I'm not sure, I don't even know my way around the school at this point."

"Yeah, but by the time the election comes around you would've figured your way around the school by then!"

She does have a point, "Even if I do join the student council, will I still be able to join the chess club?" I'm still curious as to why they would oppose the proposition of me joining the club, what could be so bad about it?

"Yes, but then you would be drowned in obligations to both clubs, it's easier to join just one, and if you join the council, you get all the privileges that come with it!"

"And the responsibilities...and what are the privileges anyway?" I say, wanting to make sure I know as much as possible before I even consider taking up this offer.

"You responsibilites won't be that bad! Those will mostly be with Siichan and I. As for privileges, the usual. Pull in how we run things, occasionally getting out of class for student council meetings, things of that nature."

At this point, I'm incredibly confused on who's talking, Misha or Shizune? As she's the one talking and I want to listen I naturally look towards Misha, so I can't see if Shizine is making signs, and some of the words Misha says don't seem like things she would use normally. But with these two, you really can't tell, or at least that's the impression I'm getting.

"So basically I'm a packmule for the work with minimal influence. The way you worded it gives me the impression I won't have much in the way of power."

"You want power? How selfish, Benchan!" Misha says teasingly, and she also effectively shifts the topic away from what I'd influence I'd and what work I'd do. Well played.

"Well, isn't that what you're going for by running in the first place?" I rebuke.

"No, we just want to better the intrests of the students~!" I'm almost certain Shizune is the one I'm talking to at this point.

"'Course, because power would never tempt you two."

"Yup!" As Misha exclaims this, her smile gets even wider than it previously was, if that's even possible without splitting her jaw in two.

"It's been fun and all, but shouldn't we all head to our next classes?" I say, trying to avoid answering, and we really should get going, every one else is starting to head towards the doors, to continue on with their day.

"Yes, but we need your answer now!" Misha yells, not agrily, but exictedly. I do notice that her smile is gone and is now replaced with a frown. It doesn't look natural on her. I also see out of the corner of my eye that Shizune is giving me a stern look, can they really expect an answer already?

"I need to think about it, and why do you need to know now, when there is probably plenty of time to decide?"

"Fine, but you have three days to make up you mind!" Misha says, trying to sound stern, it doesn't end up sounding very stern, it just doesn't fit her voice.

I get on my cruches after seeing what class I have next and checking the class number. Hopefully it telling me the floor will be enough.

"See you guys later" I say as I turn around, about to head into the crowd starting to congest the doors of the cafeteria.

"Hold on!" Misha calls out.

I turn around waiting for her to continue.

"We should probably give you a tour of the place when we can! We will meet you here in the cafeteria after classes!"

"Very well then." I reply, dully, and turn around heading for the entrance of the cafeteria.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Thankfully I was able to find my next class using the floor number system. The same happened with the rest of my classes, and I managed to arrive in time as well.

Not much happened for the rest of the classes, just lessons with assignments that I managed to finish before class ended.

I was more anxious about the tour, hopefully they wouldn't bother me too much about the student council, and I really am dying to know where the library is, I only brought a handful of books with me, and they wouldn't last long.

They met me there just like they said they would. And I could recognize Misha immediatly on the account of her...percurliar choice in hair stlye, and not to mention Shizune has a sort of, aura, about her. I'm talking about some mystical circle I can see around her or anything like that, there's just something about her that makes certain that it's her that I'm in the precense of.

"Hey!" Misha says waving, as I come up to them, her grin still present it seems, "There you are! We were just thinking you weren't coming!"

"I'm still not really that adept at using these things." I say as I come up on my crutches.

"I see." She says, a little awkwardly, apparently she isn't used to discussing people disabilities.

"Where should we go for the tour first?" quickly changing the subject.

"We'll show you where some classes are located, where hallways are, those types of things!" she says, enthusiasm making its way back into her tone.
Shizune nods, sort of as if she were approving it.

The tour passes mainly in silence, there isn't much to talk about. In fact, most of what was said was explaining where we were and what classes or clubs were located in whatever hall way we happened to be in at the time.

I was also trying to find a place where I could play my gutair without disturbing anyone, I probably could play my acoustic in my room, but my electric would be too loud for the dorms. I know there probably is a music club, but I hate playing in front of other people, and besides, my taste in music has always clashed with the taste of others my age, and I doubt it will be any different in Japan.

We do enter on particuarily quiet part of the school, the hallway appears to be almost completely abandoned in fact. But then I notice a little sign at one of the doors. "Chess Club" it reads. Well now I know where it is, and this does seem like a good place for it, it's quiet, isolated, and out of the way. It doesn't seem as though anyone is in there at this time though. I also take notice that Misha doesn't say it is here, it looks as if Misha and Shizune really don't want me to join it, which just makes it all the more tempting to try it out. I quickly make a mental note on where it is.
_______________________________________________________________________
"And here's the library!" Misha pratically yells, ruining the tranquil mood set by the library as soon as she enters, once again drawing attention to us.

The library looks as if it has a pretty nice selection, several book shelves look packed to the brim full of text for readers to dive in, along with many tables and bean bags spread around for students to read on. The place has the classic, slightly musky, old book smell, there are worse odors to sample while reading.

"This is the last stop of the tour?" I ask.

"Yup~!"

"Well thank you for the tour, and is it alright if I stay here for a bit, to pick out a few books?"

"Your welcome, and sure, but Siichan and I have to go take care of a few things, bye Benchan!"

"See you guys later." I call as they turn around and head back the way we came.

I turn back around and try to ignore some stares still lingering at Misha's yelling as I walk into the library, checking some signs for the science fiction section.

The section takes up a few rows of the shelves, providing plenty of reading material.

I browse the shelves for about 20 minutes before deciding on "Brave New World" and a few others.

I bring them over to the check out counter and drop the small sack of book I have collected off of my shoulder onto the counter.

The thud causes a small squell from under the counter.

I start at the noise and nearly fall back off my crutches as a panic-stricken girl pops up from under the desk suddenly.

She has a bright grey hair and dark grey eyes, with what I believe are freckles underneath her eyes, she looks as if she is the librarian, though her near-panic look in her eyes tells me I almost scared her to death.

Seeing that I almost toppled over by her sudden appearance, her near-panic look changes to one of apology.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you! Please forgive me! I'm sorry!" She says, looking as if she expected me to hit her or something.

Her almost scared attitude catches me off guard, causing me to stumble over my next words "Uhh.... It-it's okay, I forgive you, I guess..."

She looks very relieved at my awkward apology, "Thank you! And I'll check those out for you." As she says this, she opens the small bag filled with a few book, scans them and then hands me the bag after she puts them back into the bag. "Good-bye." after she says that she goes back under the desk, it looks like she really just wanted the conversation to end.

I grab the bag, sling it over my shoulder and head out of the library in a daze, trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

"The people here are really odd so far." I mutter to myself, then I chuckle, I'm sure my old class mates thought the same thing of me. Here, it seems as though everyone is a little odd.
First Play through: Lilly>Hanako>Emi>Rin>Shizune
Second Play Through: Hanako>Rin>Lilly>Shizune>Emi
I'm a music enthusiast.

Post Reply