Regrets (One Shot)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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Mahorfeus
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by Mahorfeus » Wed Apr 04, 2012 4:38 am

Okay damn it, that Kenji addition really made my negafeels go to eleven. I'll never get any sleep now. :cry:
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Wed Apr 04, 2012 4:43 am

Goddamnit Fluff, you've gone and given me the sads. I need to remedy this, ASAP. There, that's better. Down to business. There's a few mistakes in your writing, which I'll point out in quotes at the end. I liked the use of each characters perspective as a short sub-chapter so to speak. It doesn't blather on too much about crap, it's short, to the point, and doesn't waste words. That format really helps to drive the point home. Great story, well done.
FluffandCrunch - Mutou wrote:Statistics don't lie. add fullstop.
FluffandCrunch - Emi wrote:She isn't looking forward to it as much as she used to. one 'o' in 'to'.
FluffandCrunch - Lilly/Hanako wrote:unsure whether she's relieved 'e' missing in 'relieved'.
FluffandCrunch - Rin wrote: in a communicable way. add fullstop.
In addition, there's also a number of instances in which you switch from using pronouns such as "she" and "her", then suddenly use "I". Pick one and stick to it.
Cheers, BlackWaltz.
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BlackWaltz's Pastebin - for those who prefer to read things with no formatting and stuff. It's mostly the same as in my thread. Also contains assorted other writing!

YOTC
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by YOTC » Wed Apr 04, 2012 5:47 am

I chalked it up to that Mutou would be the kind of dude that would demand he be allowed to do it.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:27 am

Otakumon wrote:Good story, but why is Mutuo beating himself up about calling Hisao's parents? That's the principal's job.
Here in Gemany a call like that would be the job of the police. No idea how they handle it in Japan, though.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
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Mut-Who
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by Mut-Who » Wed Apr 04, 2012 12:09 pm

... Oh God, those bad feels. They're rushing back!

Seriously, another good one shot Fluff. Melancholy/grim work seems to be your cup of tea, and for what it's worth, it looks to me like you're pretty damn good at brewing it.
Current Story:
Doctor Mut-Who

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WolfStreak
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by WolfStreak » Wed Apr 04, 2012 9:12 pm

She was too busy running to realize that he was falling behind. She should have noticed the way he gave up on the track. He looked so upset he that couldn't do it and he never tried again.
Did you mean that he?
Streak as in streaking by at the speed of light.
Not the naked kind of streak...
That would just be odd >.>

Triscuitable
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by Triscuitable » Wed Apr 04, 2012 9:50 pm

Otakumon wrote:Good story, but why is Mutuo beating himself up about calling Hisao's parents? That's the principal's job.
Schools like this (I've attended schools for the disabled, seeing as I've got a few conditions I could list) don't have principals. They've got directors, and in situations when a student does die (and only one did in my time), the teacher who was closest to him did take the opportunity to speak with his parents instead of the director, who is usually a friend to everyone.
WolfStreak wrote:
She was too busy running to realize that he was falling behind. She should have noticed the way he gave up on the track. He looked so upset he that couldn't do it and he never tried again.
Did you mean that he?
Good lord, lay off the guy! It's a simple spelling error that I'm sure people will read over.

Chrono180
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by Chrono180 » Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:35 pm

God. That was sad. Especially that bit with Kenji. I'm actually crying.

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FluffandCrunch
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by FluffandCrunch » Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:41 pm

Thank you all for the comments and stuff, guys, it means a lot to me.
As for the spelling, as I posted, I did not go over this with a fine tooth comb like I usually do. I wanted to see what I could write in as short a time possible and got a little eager to see how it turned out. I actually didn't think it was all that good at first.
For the grammar faux paus and misspells, I'm grateful everyone points them out and does so in a friendly way.
I can get pretty depressed from something as simple as a spelling mistake.

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griffon8
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by griffon8 » Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:50 pm

That was very good. It took me until Rin's bit to realize you finished each part with a regret related to their individual phrases.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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whtkid
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by whtkid » Sun Nov 02, 2014 9:30 pm

This was a really good read, it hit hard as well. Good job man
Lilly > Emi > Hanako > Rin > Shizune

azumeow
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Re: Regrets (One Shot)

Post by azumeow » Fri Dec 05, 2014 8:04 am

Just saw this.

Y u do dis? Y?

Also, you captured survivor's guilt excellently. You always wonder what could have happened had you just reached out or done one little thing differently. It sucks hardcore.
"I don’t want to be here anymore, I know there’s nothing left worth staying for.
Your paradise is something I’ve endured
See I don’t think I can fight this anymore, I’m listening with one foot out the door
And something has to die to be reborn-I don’t want to be here anymore"

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