Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

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txalolrn9
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Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by txalolrn9 » Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:46 am

Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

The haze start to dissipate, and the world start to reassemble itself like an organic puzzle. I hear the familiar ticking of a clock, I feel the familiar cold, sterile breeze of a hospital air conditioner, I see the familiar nondescript white ceiling. This is definitely the last place I want to be. A hospital. Floods of memories return to my brain. Hanako. She … she … I couldn't finish the thought, instead closing my eyes and let solitary tears escape from the edges of my eyelids.

“Hanako …" How did I mess up so bad? How did it end like this? I'm such a goddamn idiot. If only -

“Good, you're awake, Nakai,” a familiar voice interrupts my thoughts.

“... N-nurse?” I call out, much more hoarsely than I expected.

“Well, I see you didn't suffer memory loss from your fall, that's a good sign," Nurse says with his trademark grin.

I open my eyes to see the smiling source of the voice. There's ... comfort, I think, in seeing a familiar face rather than rather familiar inanimate objects.

“Nurse,” I say, again coarsely, ” ..what happened?”

He hands me a glass of water. I immediately down it and it soothes my dry mouth and throat.

“You had a heart attack last night, Hisao,” he said in between jotting down some notes.

“Last night?” I already knew what had happened, the painful encounter with Hanako, and the subsequent failure of my heart to even survive leaving the girls dormitory before collapsing, but at least I now know how long ago. I glance at the window, the sun is out in full force. I've been unconscious for awhile.

“Um hum, and good thing the girls took you here quickly, and that this wasn't as bad as your first attack.”

“Girls?” I pondered.

“Yes, Emi ran here to alert me, and we brought the stretcher to get you here, young man … let's see … Rin and Ikezawa were the others that helped”

“Ha-Hanako?”

“Yes, it seems she was the one who cried for help, but enough chit chat, here” he hands me some pills and another glass of water.

“Rest,” he solemnly orders. And with that, I'm here bedridden once more, alone with nothing but my thoughts. Thoughts that inevitably lead me back to the awfulness of the previous night. How did it end so badly? Things were done, and things were said. Things that can never be undone nor unsaid. Hanako ... did I lose you forever?

I look out the window again, it must be close to lunchtime. And as confirmation, I can hear a distant bell. My stomach growled. Hmmm, how am I suppose to eat? And on cue:

“HISAO!” Emi sprints through the door with Rin leisurely following.

“I'm glad you're okay now you had us so worried last night Hisao and I got you some lunch cause I bet you're hungry aren't you? It's good and it's heart healthy and you should have kept up the morning runs with me and it's not too late to start you know?” Emi says at the speed of light.

Rin stared at me for awhile as Emi took out the lunch containers and placed them on the bedside table. Emi is humming a tune that I can nearly identify if I wasn't distracted by Rin's laser like focus on me.

"Um ... is anything the matter, Rin?" I finally ask.

“You're alive,” Rin dryly answers.

"Just barely," I try to give her a sincere smile.

“I owe you 5,000 yen, Emi.”

“Wait, you wagered that I'd be dead?” I frown disapprovingly.

She shrugs nonchalantly and plainly states, “You looked dead last night.”

Emi laughs and already started devouring her meal. Rin sat on the chair, deftly removes her sandals and proceed to start on hers. I don't think I can ever get use to the sight of that.

"There was I was just taking off my prosthetic legs and getting ready to go to sleep when I head a big THUD!!! echoing through the halls then I heard Hanako scream and then I ran out saw you on the ground face down and Hanako crying so I knocked on Rin's door and told her to help Hanako and I ran to the Nurse and ..."

"Ok, ok, I got it, Emi ... thank you for saving my life ... and this delicious lunch," I cut her off before she finish spraying rice all over the table.

I finish my portion and again thank Emi, and made sure to give Rin an angry stare on her way out. I don't think she got the message though.

Time passes like a sloth swimming in molasses, or a snail climbing uphill on a slippery slope, or some other metaphor about the slow passage of time. Later, Nurse enters to check on me.

“Well, all your vitals seem normal, you're good to go, Hisao.”

“Great,” and I quickly jump up and but was suddenly stopped by him by his hand on my shoulder.

“Hisao, I'm not going to ask you specifically what you did inside the girls dormitory that gave you a heart attack,” he says with a smirk.

“But, I want you to always remember to take your daily regimen of pills, and I hope you've taken my advice on exercising to strengthen your heart?”

“Uh … well … “

His smile quickly disappears, “Hisao, it's no laughing matter, the next time, you might not have anyone close by to call for help, and also very close by to me or a hospital”

“Yes, sir, I will try my best to not let this happen again.”

“Splendid!” the nurse beams. “Now here's a note for your teacher explaining why you missed your morning classes.”

“Um, thanks.”

I walk out of his office and make my way to the main building. It is a solitary walk, as all the Yamaku students and staff has already returned to their respective classrooms after lunch. The walk give me time. Time to think. Think about what happened last night. Think about what to do about today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that. What should I do? Hanako. Did I completely destroy our friendship? Just what the hell was I thinking last night, I should have just – and then I see her.

The unmistakable long flowing purple hair. Hanako. Standing just outside our classroom 3-3. She turns around and faces me.

I completely freeze. With all the time I had between the nurses office to now ... I hadn't exactly thought about what to say if I ever saw her again ... what do I do? What do I say? Oh God, Hisao, say something.


TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE) ???
Last edited by txalolrn9 on Wed Apr 04, 2012 12:25 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by txalolrn9 » Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:51 am

I would like to apologize in advance for being a crappy writer, and as such, the above is so rough and raw

I typed it as I went along in oh, 10 or so minutes, so it's definitely a work in progress

any constructive criticism and pointers would be greatly appreciated to flesh out this (hopefully) first chapter
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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by Daitengu » Tue Apr 03, 2012 3:05 am

While Hisao is a confused idiot alot of the time, I've never seen his internal monologue go "Oh shit. What do I do? What do I say. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit ..."

He's always tended toward mannered awkward confused instead of ill mannered panicked confused.

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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by Mahorfeus » Tue Apr 03, 2012 3:08 am

Not a terrible start, you've managed to vest me in the story. For some reason the Hanako Bad End always struck me as a good time for Hisao to have a heart attack.

There's definitely room for improvement; I'd point out some of the specifics myself, but I'm terrible at putting my criticism into words.
I suppose one would be to clean up your use of ellipses. “... N- … Nurse?” comes off as a little clunky; "...N-nurse?" or "N-nurse...?" reads a little more cleanly, in my opinion.
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The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Apr 03, 2012 6:45 am

Also, remember that English verbs need an "s" at the end if they are used in third person singular.
And try to stick to the same tense throughout the story. It's not that bad, but you switched a few times.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by MrDogsniper » Tue Apr 03, 2012 5:55 pm

Good..I'd like to see where this goes...I don't really try to think about the bad ending so this seems like it will be very interesting.
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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by txalolrn9 » Tue Apr 03, 2012 11:46 pm

I tried to fix it as best I can, but impaired by ability

So I apologize again for that

and here's the next part, probably as terrible as the first



What's the word when your mind is racing with what to say. There's so much of it all at once that you don't know where to begin. There's no beginning and no ending but plenty of middle and yet you don't know how to express it.

A most awkward silence envelopes the air with the purple haired girl directly in front of me. Dammit, Hisao, say something. Anything.

“Um … Hi, Hanako,” well that's better than the preceding minutes of nothingness.

She quickly turns and briskly goes into the classroom. Great, add yet another blunder to your ever growing collection, Hisao.

I sigh … or maybe more accurately a quiet groan ... a sigh groan ... and I then gently twist the door knob to Room 3-3 and enter.

Mutou stops his science lecture (this week is marine biology) mid-sentence as I walk up and hand him Nurse's note. He takes a look at the note, gives me a quick nod, and proceeds with the lecture. I take my seat as non-disruptively as I can. Hanako has her head down, her face hidden by the bangs of her dark hair. Is this now what it has become? She can't even stand to see my face? I felt a part of me die thinking that. It's almost as if a part of myself was imprinted onto Hanako, and when she scolded me, it severed that piece. Would I ever get it back?

“Pssst, Hicchan!” Misha whispers to me. “Where were you this morning?” Her golden eyes sparkle with rabid curiousity.

“NO TALKING!” Mutou quickly stops the conversation as Misha audibly yelps back into her seat.

The rest of the class quickly passes, I catch on as best I can, and the final bell finally tolls before long.

I give another long sigh groan thing, and put my notes and books in my bag, and turn towards the exit.

Hanako's seat is already empty, she must've snuck out without me noticing. My spirit is further dampened. I suppose I've lost her as a friend. Perhaps forever. But I need to at least get her to face me so I can apologize for being such a jerk.

I pass the madding crowds of Yamuku's student body to the Boys Dormitory. Things around me just blur by. Nameless, faceless students passing, nameless, faceless, nondescript floors, doors, trees, blades of grass, shapeless clouds become background noise. I'm on autopilot, and before I realize it, I'm in the hallway to my room.
And just to prove he hates me, God had to bestow one last punishment for the day.

“Sup, Hisao” my bespectacled cross the hall dorm mate greets me with an exaggerated wave of the hand.

Kenji. My sinus is already tingling for what is to be an excruciating exchange of words. He's always what I would consider weird, but he's weirder today. To start, this is the first time I've not seen him in full Yamaku uniform. He has on a pink bowling shirt with a KENJI name badge adorning the front pocket. This is going to be painful.

“You free tonight, bro?” He asks.

“Depends, Kenji, what do you have in mind? If it's about bowling, forget it.”

He gives me a deep frown.

“This is bigger than just bowling, man, this is for humanity.”

My sinus is really starting to flare up now.

“Humanity? Let me guess, an invading race of aliens will destroy our planet unless we beat them at bowling?”

“No! Worse! Hu-MAN-ity is at stake tonight, if we don't beat the women bowling team.”

I finally pinch my ailing sinus, “Kenji … what exactly do you mean?”

“Tonight, four on four bowling tournament, I'm a man short against the all girls team”

“Uh huh, and who are these girls?”

“You should know them, they're all in your class: Inoue, Kawana, Miura, and Suzuki”

“Naomi, Misaki, Miki, and Suzu?”

“Yes, we must defeat them to ensure Hu-WOMAN-ity never supplants hu-MAN-ity.”

Now the sides of my heads suddenly ache, and also need tending to.

“Okay, who are the other two guys on your team?”

“What other guys?”

“Kenji, you said it was four on four and you're a man short.”

“Yeah, me and you. We bowl twice. I don't have the stamina to bowl four times. So you'll help? For hu-MAN-ity's sake?”

I gave him a serious look. Or how I think a serious look is suppose to look. I never practice making faces in the mirror. Or I never did with a serious look.

“Kenji …”

He's smiling.

“No.”

He's frowning.

“You'd let Hu-WOMAN-ity take over, Nakai? You'd let them win without even a fight?”

“I for one … “ I open the door to my room, “ … welcome our female overlords,” and close it.

I can imagine Kenji blowing his gasket on the other end, and the thought gives me a brief smile before I fall headlong into the bed. Hanako. I can't fix what is now, for sure, irrevocably destroyed. But I have to tell her sorry. I just hope tomorrow goes better.

*****PASSING OF TIME*****


to be continued (or maybe concluded, I'm not sure)
Last edited by txalolrn9 on Fri Apr 06, 2012 11:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by Mealforthree » Wed Apr 04, 2012 2:08 am

The tenses, mang, the tenses.

Proofread everything before posting.

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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by Mahorfeus » Wed Apr 04, 2012 2:51 am

Ditto on the tenses. A lot of the events described are currently in past tense, which makes it awkward to read since the context already implies that Hisao is supposed to be describing things that happen in the present.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by txalolrn9 » Wed Apr 04, 2012 12:36 pm

Ah yeah, sorry about those tenses things, I write on the fly and try to edit later
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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by Beoran » Thu Apr 05, 2012 3:41 am

Hey, this is a nice story, I liked the female overlords joke. By all means, carry on. :)
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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by txalolrn9 » Fri Apr 06, 2012 12:19 pm

I had the strangest dream that I can't for the life of me remember any details of, but it didn't matter as they were sent off to oblivion by the annoying buzz of my alarm clock. A new day. I Quickly and efficiently take the pills that keeps me alive, take a shower, brush my teeth, put on my uniform, and head out for the main campus. A brisk walk down the stairs towards the dormitory exit and I spot someone blocking the door. Someone wearing the full Yamaku uniform complete with a scarf despite the unseasonably warm couple of days. Le sigh.

“Hi, Kenji.”

He slowly and methodically turn around for what I assume is dramatic effect. “You. Betrayer of Humankind.”

“Bowling tournament didn't go well?”

“You're off the list!”

“Um okay, what list?” Only after saying it did I remember I need to get pass him as fast as possible. I have things to do today. He contorts his face into a snarl and is about to begin what I assume to be a diatribe about me letting down every living thing on the planet with a Y chromosome, but I take preemptive actions. I promptly place my hands on his shoulder and move him to the side of the vestibule.

“Actually, I'm busy this morning, Kenji, you can tell me all about it later,” and leave before his brain can process the sudden event.

I have to see Hanako. I look in the tea room, I look in the library, I scan the courtyard, but to no avail. Okay, okay, Hisao, calm down, you're in the same class. You don't see her now, but you will. Just have patience. So I go to the homeroom and wait. I am a little early, but soon the class slowly and methodically start to fill up, the morning bell tolls, Mutou enters and prepares and day's lessons … and yet no Hanako. Not a good start so far.

The morning classes go on as usual, but my mind could not pay attention to Mutou. I impulsive peek over my shoulder every now and then to her seat but Hanako is never there. Mutou then break us into groups and Shizune and Misha move their desks adjacent to mine before I realize it.

“Hicchan … Hicchan~!” She snaps me out of … wherever I was. Outer space, perhaps.

“Is something wrong, Hicchan? You keep staring out the window.” Misha has a look of concern on her face, Shizune … seem very annoyed that I'm not contributing to the group assignment. I apologize and we finish before the lunch bell. Barely. Which to Shizune is a failure. I dash out the classroom before Shizune kills me.

A quick peek in the tea room, empty. Come on, Hanako, where are you? I enter the library and go to the front desk.

“Yuuko?” A thud from underneath confirms the librarian's presence.

“Ye...yeah? Ouch!” Yuuko appears and rubs the top of her head.

“Hey, Yuuko, have you seen Hanako?”

“Yes, she's in her usual corner in the back.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. I turn to head towards Hanako, but then stop dead in my tracks. I can't do this. She's only going to run again. I have to get her to come to me.

I turn back to the librarian. “Hey Yuuko?”

“Yes?!” An affirmation that is mostly fueled by shock.

“Um, what book has Hanako been reading?”

She seem to have calmed down somewhat. “Ah yes, Dark Tower, Stephen King's The Dark Tower, she's on book three, and I've been holding book four for her today because she's almost through with three. I think by day's end, in fact.”

“Can I see it?”

The panicked look return, “Well, she, I mean I, um, Hanako ...”

I try to stop her from going into a full blown panic attack, “I'm not going to take it, Yuuko.”

“Oh … well okay.”

She finds it under the shelf and hands it to me. Hmm, Stephen King's The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass. I wouldn't have guessed Hanako would be interested in this. I take out a note and scribble a message on it and place it inside.

“Thank you, Yuuko.”


*****


After the lunch period, the day passes as per usual. The final day's bell sound and the class starts filing out and I do the same. I head back to my room taking proper precautions to not run into Kenji. And now the waiting game.

I lay down on my bed, and stare at the nondescript ceiling of my room. The afternoon sun deepen its hue, clouds journey across the horizon, and the monotonous ticking of my clock signal each passing second.

I close my eyes and nap.


*****


I hear a faint tap at my door. Hanako? Or is my mind playing tricks on me? A second faint tap confirms I'm not insane. Okay, showtime. Another long sigh.

I walk to the door, reach for the handle, and pray it's not Kenji.

I open the door and there she is. Her eyes are darting, her hands are raised to her chest, perhaps even shaking. She might dash off at a moment's notice, so I have to be quick.

“Hanako, I'm glad you came, would you like to come in?”

“I … I …” oh crap, this is bad.

“Please, Hanako,” I place my hand on her shoulder, partly for calming, partly to stop her from sprinting away. She gives a subtle nod and slowly enter.

I had a little apology that I had been practicing but then -

“I'm so sorry, Hisao!”

I look up and see her crying.

"I didn't mean ... "

“No, no, Hanako, I should be the one apologizing.”

“But … I .. but I … “

I walk towards her and put both my hands on her shoulders.

“You told me what needed to be said. I was an idiot. I shouldn't ... ”

"Hisao ... but y-you almost … b-because of me.” It breaks my heart to her pained expression.

I hadn't plan on doing this, but if I can salvage anything, this is the only way. I have to make her understand.

“Please don't freak out, Hanako, I'm not going to do anything weird, okay?”

Her eyes widen, perhaps confusion? But she nods, though obviously don't know what I had in mind.

I start unbuttoning my shirt and the scars on from surgeries are revealed.

“This is from my first heart attack and the reason why I'm here at Yamaku, Hanako.”

Her eyes widen again and she is speechless.

“I was hospitalized for months, and I hated that people would visit me and see me at the lowest point in my life. They are there for pity. And they think they're doing me a favor and making me feel better when it only made me feel worse. And I hated that and hated them for doing that. But that was what I was doing with you, Hanako. I should've have known. Because I felt the same way not too long ago.”

“Hisao ...” tears are streaming down her face again.

“I just want to say I'm sorry. Even if you never want to be my friend anymore, or even see me again. I had to let you know that. I ... I had the second attack not because of what you said, Hanako.”

The tears are still flowing like waterfalls, soaking a good part of the front of her school blouse now.

"I had it because I thought I lost you, Hanako. Lost you as a friend, and I didn't want to lose you. No!" I stopped myself. "No, you're more than that. You're more than a friend to me."

"Hisao ... ?"

"Hanako, you are ... " I'm even starting to tear up now, but I have to say this, I have to do this. It took this long for me to realize it, but it's true. I try to deny it to Miki and to myself, but it's true.

" ... you are ... precious ... to me. I love you, Hanako." I don't care if she rejects me at this point. I have to say it.

“Hisao!” she lunges forward and wraps her arms around me and burying her head on top of my heart scar.

"Hisao ... t-that's ... that's what I wanted to hear for the longest time"

I hug her, and we stand there in our embrace for a while.

When the crying stopped, and she cleaned herself up a bit.

“Hisao … thank you.”

I close in for another embrace and kiss the top of her head.

“I won't walk on eggshells around you anymore, Hanako, I won't treat you like a fragile porcelain doll. And when you need to, you can lean on me … for anything.”

“I can't ask that of you, Hisao!”

“You can, because that's what I'm asking of you. I was a broken and battered soul when I first came here, Hanako, and you helped heal me. Because I think that's what love is.”

We embraced again, and when I face her, I see something in her eyes … longing? I slowly close my eyes and move my lips forward, hers met mine halfway. This is ... this is our first kiss. It was ... electric. The spark that pulses through my whole body that erases all the gray, dull years of my life. I feel the tingling all over my body. I open my eyes and see her blushing. Her chest quickly rises to indicate she had that feeling too.

“Is … that okay, Hisao?”

I had a hearty chuckle, “Yes, Hanako, that is prefectly okay.”

It's a pretty tender moment until I hear a loud KNOCK KNOCK at the door

“Hisao?” Kenji barked.

Dammit, Kenji. “What is it?”

“I thought I heard crying, you know, that thing that females do.”

“I'm not crying, Kenji.”

“Oh, okay, if you ever need to talk or something, I'm here across the hall, dude.”

I'm touched. I've been pretty mean to him recently but I guess underneath the feminist conspiracy rants, he's been a true friend to me here at Yamaku.

“Thanks, Kenji,” and he goes back to his room and I hear a half dozen locks clicking into place.

I look back to Hanako and she's on my sitting on my bed. I lay down next to her, and she lies down too. We had to do some shifting until we are both comfortable in the small bed. She rests her head on my chest, her eyes closed and with the faintest of smiles. A genuine smile. Somewhere out there Emi is at the track at her Emiest, Rin chasing a cloud into town that she thinks look like a butterfly, Shizune and Misha doing whatever it is the student council does, Lilly and Akira halfway on their intercontinental flight back to Japan. And all of that didn't matter, because I'm here with Hanako. What's the word for when you think everything will be just fine? Content? Happy? It doesn't matter, whatever the word, that's how I felt. Hanako's shallow breathing indicates she's already sleeping. We didn't have sex or anything, but I can honestly say, embracing the girl that I love as I sleep, I made love that night.

"I love you, Hanako," I kiss her forehead and close my eyes.






Up next: EPILOGUE with Lilly, Akira, Thom Yorke, Bender, Misha Comfort Sex, and more Kenji
Last edited by txalolrn9 on Sat Apr 07, 2012 12:14 am, edited 10 times in total.
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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by txalolrn9 » Fri Apr 06, 2012 12:20 pm

oh, the tenses the tenses

sigh I'm never getting the hang of this

and it's way clunkier in flow and structure than I wanted, I seriously need to redo the last part - too many jumps in conclusion without any explanations ... grrr, I hate them, I might just erased it all and start all over

Le sigh.
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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by Mahorfeus » Fri Apr 06, 2012 1:48 pm

This part definitely reads better than the last two, but it's good that you're able to spot the issues yourself.

As for the story, I thought it was nice how you got Hisao to get Hanako's attention again. Something subtle that wouldn't chase her off.

However, the ending felt rushed - Hisao showing her his scar, confessing his feelings, admitting that he didn't understand her - the actions and accompanying dialogue feel like they came straight out of the good ending, which feels like a bit of a cop out. I liked the book thing because it called back to the need for Hanako to initiate contact, but in a different way than from the VN (the text message). I just feel that a lot of things could have been said differently or put off.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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Re: Reconnect (Post-Hanako Bad End)

Post by txalolrn9 » Fri Apr 06, 2012 2:01 pm

Mahorfeus wrote:This part definitely reads better than the last two, but it's good that you're able to spot the issues yourself.

As for the story, I thought it was nice how you got Hisao to get Hanako's attention again. Something subtle that wouldn't chase her off.

However, the ending felt rushed - Hisao showing her his scar, confessing his feelings, admitting that he didn't understand her - the actions and accompanying dialogue feel like they came straight out of the good ending, which feels like a bit of a cop out. I liked the book thing because it called back to the need for Hanako to initiate contact, but in a different way than from the VN (the text message). I just feel that a lot of things could have been said differently or put off.

I completely agree, I had it right in my brain but something got lost in translation to screen and everything just seems ... rushed ... disjointed ... just bad. I truly hate that last part. I seriously just want to erase it all and redo it completely
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