Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcome

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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Homeless » Tue Apr 03, 2012 7:06 am

Nakasaro-San wrote:K, thanks for clearing that up. I also like visual novels. I think Mountaineer is apart of another visual novel called "Salty Tears".
So far the April Fools demo is out. I dunno if I'm allowed to mention it here, so PM me for the link.
Heh, I've read his work on the forums here, and I caught the demo for Salty Tears, looks good so far, even if it was just a prank. Made me chuckle.
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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Nakasaro-San » Tue Apr 03, 2012 7:10 am

You've heard of it then :lol: Yeah, it is real fun. Though every time I exited the game I got blue-screen'd-of-death'd, not sure why. Otherwise really good, lol.

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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Homeless » Wed Apr 04, 2012 9:38 pm

Hello, here is chapter 8, and again thanks to CommnderShepard for catching things I didn't.

Change Pt1.

He's carrying me, I don't know how I feel about that. He said he loved me. I know how I feel about that. All I can see is Hisao's face, while he's taking care of me. Part of me wants to know why, but I know the answer to that already. The words echo in my mind, “I love you Rin,” It brings a very small smile to my face. It also brings a smile that he doesn't have an erection right now. I wonder if I should paint that picture of the Nakais backyard? I hope he's not getting used to bathing girls. I lean my head back, and relax, as best I can. I don't like change, and a visit to the nurses office will bring change, that's not good.

I relax in the tub for an hour, I think, before I stand. Hisao takes this as a sign that I'm finished and towels me off. I bend my neck and push him to the bench he had so gently placed me on, “Get undressed please,” I ask, bringing up the stool he was sitting on. I lather the brush and begin to scrub him down. He's embarrassed, that's good. I rinse him off as best I can, and nod towards the tub. I add more warm water to it, as I know he likes his baths very warm. My mind goes back to this afternoon, it all just emptied out of me, like when you eat the last cookie, and you think there are more, but there aren't.

It's hard, I've always felt no one understood me. I accepted that, eventually. People just drifted away. It doesn't bother me that people don't get me, what bothers me, I think, is that Hisao comes along. Not that there have been many like him. It scares me. A lot.

Hisaos, out of the tub now, the scar on his chest standing out from the pale of the rest of his chest. Very pink. He wraps a towel around both of us, I had forgotten I was naked in front of him. He holds me close, while drying me off, he wraps a towel around me. I stand there watching him, as he wraps a towel around himself. I follow him to his bed room, I feel lost, even though I've been here a week.

Hisao doesn't turn on the lights. We know the way around his room. He climbs into bed, and throws the blankets back welcoming me in. I worm my way close to him, and he brings the blankets around me. He kisses me, on my forehead, on the bridge of my nose, on my lips. I return the favour, his hands caressing my body. The fear I had dissipates, to be replaced with a calm that scares me just as much.

Changes Pt 2.

The sun is shining though the curtains, I feel this with out opening my eyes. The bed is empty beside me, there is heat here still, but not the body that left it. I worm my way to the remaining heat. The door opens. Hisao is standing there with a tray, hard not to hide my surprise , as I open my eyes, fruit, omelet and juice with one of those bendy straws sticking out. That must be his fathers doing, I think. I sit up against his wall, watching him as he scoots up against the wall besides me.

I hate being fed, people turn it into a circus side show. But Hisao, he doesn't. There's kindness in his eyes. Like he sees past the big bits and sees the smaller bits that make up the big bits. Always. Not sympathy, not sadness, well not when he's focused anyways. He offers me a bite of omelet, I take it, savouring the taste. People don't understand, that's okay, I do.

We get ready for the day, for the trip back to school. I leave Hisao to clean up after breakfast while I pack my bag, well as close to packing as I get. I flip though the sketch book one more time before packing it away. I rip out the picture I drew the other day and leave it on the bed, I think his parents will like it. I'm siting on the end of the bed, zipping up my luggage, when I hear foot steps come up the stairs.

“Hisao, if you are going to rape me, you need to be more quiet,” I say to the figure approaching my room. I turn to the door with my usual half lidded look, but it's not Hisaso, it's his mother. “Oh, hello, Mrs Nakai,” I say, watching her face, ignoring the human need to feel embarrassed in a situation like this.

“Rin-Chan, I would like to thank you.” This took me by surprise, no one had thanked me for anything, ever. I cocked my head at Hisaos mother, but say nothing. I can see Hisao in her, or is it the other way around? “When Hisaso left the hospital, we thought we had lost him, he was nothing but a shell of his old self,” The embarrassment I shook off before hits me head on now. I blushed, not normal, not good. “Hisao, was there for me too. We both had demons, Hisao was just stronger than I,” I say looking anywhere but at Hisaos mother. Mrs Nakai chose this time to hug me. I froze, not knowing weather to bow to my fight or flight reflex or just to enjoy the feeling. “You are always welcome in our home Rin-chan,” Mrs Nakai says as she brakes off the hug and leaves.

I thought about this experience as Hisao carried my bag out and packed it in the trunk of the car. I caught a glimpse of Hisao as I headed out through the hallway towards the front door. They had hung and framed the picture I drew of their son. It was a simple black frame, did not take away from the simple pencil drawing it held behind its glass. It's the smile. That must be it, I thought to myself.
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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Beoran » Thu Apr 05, 2012 3:29 am

Great, loved Hisao's mother's intervention. It's sure to help Rin understand that she too is a big help to Hisao. He's not just a cloudcuccoolander minder, Rin's unique way of seeing the world, where she sees the beauty of every cloud, also made him see the beauty of it all.
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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Dickbuttt » Thu Apr 05, 2012 3:51 am

I registered to post this, heh.

So, you're having her go from being simply scatterbrained, to full-on blackouts or catatonic episodes or something? Seems a little, I dunno, out of nowhere.

Anyway, not a bad story. I have a soft spot for Rinfic.

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Post by Homeless » Thu Apr 05, 2012 4:14 am

Dickbuttt wrote:I registered to post this, heh.

So, you're having her go from being simply scatterbrained, to full-on blackouts or catatonic episodes or something? Seems a little, I dunno, out of nowhere.

Anyway, not a bad story. I have a soft spot for Rinfic.

While I can't comment too much with out spoiling where I'm taking this story, I will say this. Many people that are born with a physical disability are often diagnosed (very often much later in life) with a mental disability that could easily be passed up. Considering that there are mental and developmental disabilities that could account for her "oddness". Consider also that we never really saw the world from her "eyes" I don't see it as being to far fetched.

Besides, it's just a fan fiction, you should take a look around these forums, my writing is fairly tame compared others. (All good in my opinion, the bad ones get locked quickly anyways.)
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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Nakasaro-San » Fri Apr 06, 2012 7:39 am

Still stalking this page closely... Wanna see where this goes :mrgreen:
Jokes aside, I liked the new chapter.
:wink:

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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by gecko » Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:01 pm

The last chapters are really good. You have made impressive progress in balancing Rinisms, descriptions, and dialog.
But you really need to work on your times. You still mix present and past, and with such a good story, it becomes very jarring to stumble on a past tense in the middle of a present tense description. You really need to choose one way to narrate (either present or past) and stick to it.
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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Homeless » Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:10 pm

gecko wrote:The last chapters are really good. You have made impressive progress in balancing Rinisms, descriptions, and dialog.
But you really need to work on your times. You still mix present and past, and with such a good story, it becomes very jarring to stumble on a past tense in the middle of a present tense description. You really need to choose one way to narrate (either present or past) and stick to it.

Thanks, Yeah I realize I don't give myself enough time between writing something and proof reading it. I'm working on it.

(That and my writing skills go down when theres wobbly pop involved)
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Post by vblm » Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:53 pm

Ah, Rin, one of my favorite characters. Glad to read this. :) *subscribes*

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Post by Homeless » Wed Apr 25, 2012 10:36 pm

Here's the next chapter enjoy (with thanks to CommnderShepard)

Unease.

The car ride back to Yamaku was filled with small talk between my father, mother and myself, with Rin only breaking her silence every so often. We talked about my future and where it would lead me. It was interesting, I never thought that much about those kinds of things. Let alone talked about them with my parents. It wasn't that I wasn't interested or didn't have anything that resembled a plan. I just knew school and Rin was in my future. Even if she didn't know it. At one point during a silence in the car, my mind drifted, thinking about what life would be like living with Rin. It's a big step, well for me, not for her, I thought. I didn't think she sees things like that. No, I knew she didn't see things in that light. Planet Rin is different than Earth. My parents showed me the picture of me Rin had drawn this past week. It was odd to say the least. I was smiling, something I apparently didn't do enough according to my mother. I didn't remember the scene, it was hard to remember things from a reverse perspective. It must have been something important, to Rin at least. Something she had remembered, because it was almost a photo of me, with all the detail that went into this piece of art. It was something my father was very proud of.

Before I knew it, the car was parked in front of the familiar wrought iron gates. The bags were being unpacked and Rin was standing off to the side, focused on the clouds going by. My father hugged me, I feel a connection at this point, he stepped back from me and pressed an envelop into my hand. “I'm proud of you son, I hope this helps you in your new life,” he says with barely concealed pride on his face. He nearly crushed me in another hug. This was embarrassing. My mother brushed my father off, and hugged me as well, saying only, “I love you, and you better bring Rin back home with you the next time you visit,” She released me and I sheepishly said I would, wondering when the silent wonder that Rin is made such an impression. I watched my parents drive off, waving to them. I only noticed out of the corner of my eye that Rin herself had waved her right stump in farewell, as well, with just a hint of a smile on her face.

We walk together, first to my dorm room to drop off my bag, grabbing a clean set of clothes, and then to hers, where I do my best to stop from flopping on her bed. “Problem, Hisao?” she asks me through half lidded eyes, looking very much like she already knew the answer. “Nope, just a long week, some sex fiend wouldn't let me sleep,” I said, only just able to catch the barely visible blush that comes to her cheeks. You had to watch for these things, you see. “You wouldn't change a thing, I don't remember you saying no, I don't even remember you putting up a fight,” Rin said through the same half lidded eyes with a hint of a smile on her lips.

Once we had gotten back to her dorm, Rin had put herself over my lap, sitting with a smug look on her passive face. That told me volumes, considering her normally impassive features. I reached up to cup her breasts, but she simply states, “No,” with a look that said it was unacceptable no matter what. I slowly place my hands behind my neck, raising an eyebrow as Rin kisses and nibbles my neck. I felt the heat rising in myself. She felt it too, apparently, grinding her hips down onto my heat. “Hisao, come with me to the nurses office tomorrow, please,” This shocked me, I hadn't expected her to bring this up so quickly. She seemed to have caught my surprise, I had always been an open book to people who bothered to pay attention.

“Of course I would, it would do no good for you to run off and find a worry tree, someone needs to keep you in check,” I said, doing my best to mimic her impassive look. I watched her face for what little reaction she would show, the flicker was there, but it was hard to pin point what she thought about that statement. The wall may have been gone, but you still had to work to figure this person out. With that, she grinned, barely, with halve lidded eyes that pierced me.

With a small nod, she continued the onslaught on my neck, eventually finding her way to my mouth. I tried to move my hands, but I was met with the same resistance as before. “Hisao, no means no,” Rin said firmly, batting me off with one of her arm stumps. I could do nothing but lay back and let her ravage me. It was unsettling to say the least. Rin would look up at me as she when from nibbling on my nipples to licking my stomach. “This girl was insatiable,” was the only thought on my mind as she had her way with me.



It smelled like paint, paint thinner, and sex, lots and lots of sex.

There was warmth in front of me. I refused to give in to the natural tendency to open ones eyes in the morning, I wrapped my arms around the girl that laid against my chest. My mind drifted lazily on the things that I had wanted to accomplish this week. I needed to find a job, and an apartment soon. Maybe I can find a job in one of the local bookstores until university starts, I thought. I had finally felt movement, and opened my eyes and laid them to rest on the mess of red hair below me.

She stretched herself out as I rolled over onto my back and watched. She sat with her shoulders slumped, and by the expression on her face, she did not look awake. It wasn't a surprise to me, the only thing I was allowed to do was put on the condoms, and that was after a, single, failed attempt by Rin herself. I was made to promise to let her practice, interesting thought that was.

I gave her a peck on the cheek and got up to gather my clothes and Rins with a very brief discussion on what we were doing today. “Shower, food, Nurse, and class,” Rin replied to my question in an efficient manner. After checking to make the coast was clear, Rin lead the way to the shared bathroom and began our morning ritual of bathing. As I was knelt down in front of Rin, taking care of her legs and feet, I heard a familiar “Hello,” come from Rin. I froze, it couldn't be helped really. The thought of being caught buck naked in the girls bathroom had made my face turn the colour of Rins hair. Rin on the other hand, was as calm and as cool as she almost always appeared to be. “I'll come back later,” said the voice that was behind me. With that, we continued what one could call an interesting day.

After I finally shook off the embarrassment from being caught in the girls showers, we got dressed and headed off to breakfast. Breakfast was quiet, that was normal, but I thought that this trip to the nurses office was already taking a toll on Rin. Again, you'd have to watch for these things, they wouldn't be something you could have seen in passing. Her eyes seemed restless, and she appeared to be slouching in an unusual manner.

“So, I was thinking of going and looking for a place to stay after your appointment,” I said in an attempt to break the fog of unease that had settled over us. I looked to Rin if what I had said had registered. Apparently it had not. I wanted to feel bad for her, to feel sorry, but that was not the best road to take with this girl. I gave my head a shake, as I cleaned up. “Time to go Rin,” I said as placed my hand on her shoulder. She looked up at me then, with the smallest of sighs and said “Okay,” and headed off.

Chapter 9
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Post by nemz » Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:04 pm

I'm almost suprised she didn't find something to tie his hands behind his back with. Oh well, cuteness abounds but it's mixed with nervous trepidation for what the nurse might have to say.
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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Homeless » Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:13 pm

nemz wrote:I'm almost suprised she didn't find something to tie his hands behind his back with. Oh well, cuteness abounds but it's mixed with nervous trepidation for what the nurse might have to say.

LMAO, mmm, tying his hands up eh? Interesting idea.
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Post by nemz » Thu Apr 26, 2012 12:55 am

Was there some other reason she kept telling him this was sex by soccer rules?
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Post by Homeless » Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:29 am

nemz wrote:Was there some other reason she kept telling him this was sex by soccer rules?
Retaining some kind of assemblance of control over things? Or maybe it was her way of saying "thanks,"?
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