Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcome

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Re: Rinicisms and other ramblings. (Erotic bits)Feedback wel

Post by Homeless » Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:29 pm

If anyone could help me out with some proof reading, It would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: Rinicisms and other ramblings. (Erotic bits)Feedback wel

Post by CommnderShepard » Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:18 am

I could proof read for you, if you want.
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Re: Rinicisms and other ramblings. (Erotic bits)Feedback wel

Post by Guestdude » Tue Mar 27, 2012 7:32 am

Man, this is good stuff; wish I could write Rin as well, but though she's my favourite KS girl, I just can't seem to 'get' her.

And while her route taught me that that's okay, it doesn't help with writing her :oops:

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Re: Rinicisms and other ramblings. (Erotic bits)Feedback wel

Post by Homeless » Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:35 pm

Guestdude wrote:Man, this is good stuff; wish I could write Rin as well, but though she's my favourite KS girl, I just can't seem to 'get' her.

And while her route taught me that that's okay, it doesn't help with writing her :oops:

Thanks for the vote of confidence!
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Re: Rinicisms and other ramblings. (Erotic bits)Feedback wel

Post by Guestdude » Tue Mar 27, 2012 10:09 pm

Homeless wrote:
Guestdude wrote:Man, this is good stuff; wish I could write Rin as well, but though she's my favourite KS girl, I just can't seem to 'get' her.

And while her route taught me that that's okay, it doesn't help with writing her :oops:

Thanks for the vote of confidence!
Are you implying that I'm flattering you? Perish the thought!

Flattery would imply an element of untruth :P

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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Homeless » Wed Mar 28, 2012 7:49 pm

Part Six, Thanks to CommnderShepard for giving it a go over.

The Date

It is just after noon when I chased Hisao up the stairs to his bedroom, taking a quick moment to take in the history that made him, him. The room did not feel abandoned like you think it would, after not being lived in for a better part of a year. It felt, I don't know, missed maybe? A few movie posters hung on the walls, and a dresser sat with pictures on it. A normal boys room, but Hisao wasn't a normal boy, that much I know.

I look up at him and he's watching me with a cheeky grin, looking like he is about to speak. I don't let him though, I close the distance and press myself against his chest while I tip toe to kiss him.

A few hours later, I rest my sweat kissed brow on Hisao's chest, listening to his heartbeat. It's normal, well as normal as can be for him. I nibble his neck, feeling his reaction inside me. I sit up and glance at his alarm clock. Almost 2:30 pm. I look back at him, he's trying not to grin. I clench my lower stomach a few times, it brings a blush to his face. “Lets clean up, you need to show me off,” I say regretfully climbing off.

“.... down to the tea shop for dinner if you'd like,” Is the first thing I hear after coming back from the void that is also the swarm. I blink a few times to bring myself back completely. I'm in the bathroom and Hisao is behind me brushing my hair, well he was. He's stopped in mid motion, he's looking at me now, with barely concealed worry on his face. I don't like this. This worries me. “That sounds interesting,” I reply “I'd like to see where the mysterious Hisao went during school lunches,” doing my best wry smile in an attempt to help him forget his worry, or maybe to help me forget. I hate when he worries about me. I wonder if they'll have mangos there.

We're at the front door of his house, I'm standing just before the steps, with my eyes closed taking deep breaths and enjoying the smells. Surprising, for being in the city, it's nice. I hear Hisao locking the door behind me and taking a step to stand beside me. “Shall we go?” he says, as I look up at him. “Yes.”

We head into town, my thoughts chasing each other like angry squirrels. That's if squirrels get angry. I think they do, not sure. It is hard trying to figure out the words. Mom never pays any attention to these moments where I would just get lost, neither do my grand parents. Hisao does though, that makes me feel funny. Like happy and sad all at the same time. It's weird. Hisao called me weird once. Said it didn't matter. Maybe it really doesn't.

I look up at Hisao, seeing what I can see in his face. He looks happy, I think, maybe a little worried still. “Hisao?” I ask, watching him as we walk into a more densely populated part of the city. “Rin?” He responds looking down to me. I wonder how tall he is? I can't say anything now, maybe later. “Is this a date?” This makes him smile, I try to memorize that moment, every detail. “Do you want it to be a date?” I think on this, only for a little while. “Yes, I want this to be a date. Does that mean you are my boyfriend?”I ask knowing what his answer will be. “Nope,” He replies with a face splitting grin.

“Do you have anything with mango in it?” I ask the waitress after she bows and shows us to our booth, “and oranges if possible.” The waitress tries her best not to stare at the sleeves of my shirt. “We have a fruit salad if you'd like,” She says, I think her head may explode. “And a straw.” The waitress looks from me, although I think it took some effort, to Hisao and asked him his order. “Coffee and lemon meringue pie please and thank you.”

I'm looking around the tea house, it's not as modern as the one by the school. It's wooden tables and pillars seem hand crafted and there are paper screens separating the booths. “It's private here,” I say looking around, giving my head a good nod of approval. “I knew you'd like it,” He replies, resting elbows on the table and then his chin on his hands, all while looking at me. “Oh so you are a mind reader,” I say though half lidded eyes, letting a small smile curve my mouth. “Yeah,” Hisao grins back to me.

The waitress brings us our orders and awkwardly places the straw in front of me. Hisao, with out missing a beat, places it in my tea cup for me.

“You know, you've never have told me about your parents,” He's doing his best conversational voice. I shrug. “Nothing to tell, Mom worked at fishmonger stall. Dad died before I was born, my grandparents took care of me. They are the ones that sent me to school,” I shrug again for extra emphasis. “Do you plan on going home? After school that is?” He asks. I pull my eyes from my fruit and look at him, “You want to meet my family?” I ask, as I notice that Hisao has picked up my fork and stabbed a piece of mango, offering it to me. “I'd like to see where the mysterious Rin grew up.” I take the fruit from the fork using my tongue, while watching his eyebrow raise. “It could be arranged,” I smile with my eyes closed, while savoring the taste.

We continue our “dinner” in silence. Once finished, Hisao pays and he gives me the promised tour of Hisao world. People are staring. I ignore them, except for one person, I waived to her. Well did my best to wave. Got a chuckle out of Hisao. This part of the city wasn't as cramped as some cities can be. Not suburban, but not down town either. Houses still had gardens in the front and it looked like people knew everyone else. I need new sandals.
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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Beoran » Thu Mar 29, 2012 5:27 pm

Yeah, Homeless, keep at it! I love how you try to express Rin's thoughts... and the mango. Well *I* don't like mango. But the mango idea is brilliant.
Kind Regards, B.
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Post by Homeless » Sat Mar 31, 2012 5:34 pm

Part seven. Enjoy.

The Muse.

We make it back to Hisaos house late. I head up the stairs after Hisao lets us in. In the guest room, I flip the light on and go into my luggage looking for my drawing things. Hisao is at the door to my room. “Rin?”, he says looking rather tired. “I'm not tired, you are though,” I say as I tip toe up and kiss him. “Night Hisao,” I say as I turn to stuff the needed supplies into a bag I keep for such things. “Good night Rin,” is the last thing he says before closing his bedroom door.

I Head down stairs, and out through the kitchen, flipping the light for the back patio on before opening the sliding glass door. The back yard is nice. Not very large. Big enough to feel comfortable and not cramped by the small shed in the back corner. The trees look like bonsais that just finished puberty. You couldn't see the neighbours houses from where I sit down, just underneath the light. It was a traditional garden. A good place to meditate. I nod to myself.

I drop the bag between my legs and pull out my sketch book. I flip past some rough sketches of some paintings I did when I first arrived at Yamaku. Sketching is different than painting. I think. I could sketch like I paint, but that feels wrong. Like writing something but skipping out every other word. Or baking cookies but not using eggs. Not that I bake though. I wonder if they have cookies here.

I see in my minds eye what I want to draw. It comes easy. I don't know how long I draw for, I don't normally know these kinds of things. It doesn't mater though. My toes holding the pencil as I make the lines that are in my head. They flow out. If pencil lines could flow. I think they can. I bring the pencil up and tap my chin with the end. “Finished,” I say to myself as I nod. “Looks good,” Mr Nakai says standing besides me. He's relaxed with his hands in his pockets. His hair is black, but has the same look that his son has. Gets the colour from mom.
I rip out the page, and pass it to Mr Nakai, “Thank you,” I stop and think for a moment. “Thank you for your son and welcoming me into your home,” I pack my things into my bag, as Mr Nakai studies the drawing. It's his son, on the night we stayed up watching the stars. Well, it was on the walk back to be more precise. His face was haloed by his hair and he was smiling, looking down at me. The grim person he was when I met him was gone. Or maybe it wasn't, maybe that part went to sleep. The forest we walked through framed the stars and the moon that night. That thought, brought the smells back to my mind. Or nose, I wasn't sure.

Mr Nakai, stood there, in front of the door, looking at the picture when I pipe up, “Excuse me, I'm going to bed now,” I said sliding past Hisaos father into the house.
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Post by Homeless » Sun Apr 01, 2012 8:21 pm

Part eight: Criticisms welcome, enjoy!

Confessions of a butterfly catcher.


Rin and I are laying in the back yard, watching the clouds float by. It's just after lunch and my parents have already left for work. We head back to school in the next two days. I almost don't want to go, knowing that I'll be idle while Rin catches up on missed work over the rest of summer break. It'll be worth it in the end. It just seems like the right thing to do.

“That one looks like a feather,” she says pointing with her big toe, “the kind people used to write with, in England I think. Maybe,” bringing her foot back down, “It does, like in the history text book,” I agree. I look to her, her hair flayed out around her head and shoulders. She raises her foot again, “That...” and stops. Nothing, but the foggy distant gaze that tells me she's somewhere else. Still. It makes my heart skip.

Thump.. Thump.

Thump.

Thump.. Thump.

The pain hits me, and I breath deep even breaths. Calm down, I tell myself. My heart slowly returns to its regular pace. I continue to watch her as she slowly, brings her foot down. The normally impassive face flickers, briefly, so very briefly, to a look of pain before returning her normal lack of expression. She closes her eyes and a single tear rolls down her cheek getting lost in her auburn hair. I prop myself up on one elbow and lean in and kiss her cheek. This surprises her, but only for a moment. She returns my kiss and sits up. She stands up and while looking at me states, “One moment,” and heads into the house.

I lay back down and watch the clouds pass by, thinking about the things that have just happened. I close my eyes for a moment, feeling the sun as it pass behind a cloud and shows its face again. I hear the sliding glass door close and I take a few deep breaths, enjoying the smells and noticing them all. The grass that was cut just yesterday, the pine and the maple trees towards the back of the yard and the cedar hedges that circled the yard. It's odd, but since I've known Rin, I've noticed more of the little things.

I hear the sliding door to the kitchen open and then close. I keep my eyes closed enjoying the orange colour though my eye lids, when a shadow steals that warmth. I hear something drop to my side, and I open my eyes. “Thought you passed out,” Rin says she proceeds to sit beside me.

Pulling first her sketch pad, then her pencils out of her bag. I roll over onto my elbow and watch her, it's hard not to watch her. It's very zen like the way she moves, with every movement a purpose and every purpose a movement. She flips though the sketch pad to find a blank page. I recognize several of the sketches, they remind me of several of her paintings. Very abstract, very on the edge of “normal”. What ever that word meant.

I watch her start drawing. It's different from her painting. Every stroke while painting is filled with passion, but while drawing, every stroke is precise as if it was a printer copying all the details. It was odd, because she didn't look up at what she was drawing. Almost like photographic memory. You hear about people like that, but you rarely meet them.

I look at my watch and it's almost dinner time, “I'll be back in a few minutes Rin,” I say as I stand. She doesn't take her eyes from her work, but responds, “OK.”

I head inside and go and grab my wallet from my room. Almost dinner time, and if I don't feed her, she'll forget. I head off to the local corner grocers and grab a few things for dinner, making sure oranges and mangos are in my basket. Once home, I begin cooking dinner, watching Rin out the back window. She hasn't moved position. The only thing that would let you know that she was alive was small movements of her leg as she drew her picture. I plate our dinner and the fruit I had bought and open the glass door with my elbow, closing it the same way behind me.

Rin doesn't notice the smell until I'm beside her and she looks up at me, with my arms full. “You trying to get into my pants, Hisao?” She says through half lidded eyes, looking up at me. “What do you mean trying?” I respond with just a hint of blush coming to my cheeks. “Eat Rin,” I tell her as I fork a piece of dinner and offer it to her. She puts her pencil down, at which point I look to her work. It is almost a near identical copy of my parents back yard, in every detail. It's incomplete as of yet, but it's stunning the detail of it all.

She lets me feed her, in between bites of my own dinner. We continue like this, until she notices the mango, which causes her to raise an eyebrow. An odd reaction for her, considering her lack of reactions. She savours the taste just the same, giving me a look like a cat thats just found the cream. Once finished I pile the plates and silverware behind us and scoot over to sit beside her. She leans into me, and I put my arm around her, enjoying her warmth.

“Hisao, I'm scared...” She cuts off, it makes my heart jump a beat, but nothing I can't handle. I bend and kiss the top of her head and ask, “Why?”, knowing exactly why.

“TherearetimeswheneverythinggoesblackwhenI'mtalkingtoyouanditscaresmebecauseIdon'twanttoseeyouworry
aboutmeandthenIthinkaboutyourheartanditworriesmewhenyouareworryingaboutme,”

The torrent comes. I raise her chin with two fingers and look into those deep pools of emerald, “Relax, Rin, I'll worry about you whether you like it or not,” I say, trying not to get lost in that sea of green. “Now again, in normal speak,” I say with a grin on my face. She sighs and begins again, more slowly, like something has drained all her energy, “Sometimes, things just stop, it's like someone turns out the lights, but it's not just the lights its the sounds too,” She looks up at me, her eyes are moist. It breaks my already broken heart. “It's like the black swallows me, and when I come out, I see you with worry on your face. It scares me Hisao,” The last bit is broken off with a quiet sob. I feel her tears soak into my shirt as she buries her face into my chest. I sigh, “Do you think this is something we can talk to the school nurse about?” I ask not expecting an answer for some time. I feel the slightest of nods against me, and I breath a sigh of relief.

We sit like this for quite some time. Rin huddled against me, like the world was out to get her. This took a lot out of her, the normally unshakable Rin sat beside me, crying into my chest. I stroked her hair and held her, until I pack up her things and bring the dishes inside. I come back out to collect her and her artists tools, feeling like it was the right thing to do, I placed her bag of drawing things in her lap and picked her up. She looked up at me, as I carried her to the sliding glass doors that lead into the kitchen. She's not heavy, years of focusing on one thing and one thing alone has kept her on the brink of withering away. The week she's spent here has put some meat on her bones, but it would not make up for the years of neglect.

I carry her to the bath, and set her down on the bench so I can prepare the water. I watch her face as I begin to undress her. There are no signs of life there, her swollen red eyes watching me as I undress her, setting her clothes aside. I run warm water, soaping up the cloth, I begin to wash her down. I manage to keep my hormones in check as I run the cloth over her body. She watches me, like a specter. I rinse her off and pick her up again, not worrying about being wet, I set her down in the bathtub. All this time, the emerald jewels that are her eyes are pined on me, not leaving me, not for a moment. “I love you Rin,” I pull up a stool and watched her relax.


Thanks to CommnderShepard for proof reading for me.
Last edited by Homeless on Sun Apr 01, 2012 8:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Daitengu » Sun Apr 01, 2012 8:34 pm

Your Rin sentence got chopped.

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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Homeless » Sun Apr 01, 2012 8:39 pm

Daitengu wrote:Your Rin sentence got chopped.

Fixed. Thanks.
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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Beoran » Tue Apr 03, 2012 6:00 am

I love this, keep it up!
Kind Regards, B.
Feeling like your heart is broken? Need to get it off your chest? Tell your story here.
Take a look at Eruta my jRPG under development. New web site since december 2012.
Play Ature, my free and open source indie Atari 2600 action adventure game.
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Post by Nakasaro-San » Tue Apr 03, 2012 6:35 am

Ey Homeless, Long time no see. Love the story :^). I was wondering if you had some sort of schedule about when you post...


...


...You might have posted it somewhere but I guess I missed it :lol:

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Post by Homeless » Tue Apr 03, 2012 6:49 am

Nakasaro-San wrote:Ey Homeless, Long time no see. Love the story :^). I was wondering if you had some sort of schedule about when you post...


...


...You might have posted it somewhere but I guess I missed it :lol:
Actually I don't have a schedule, but I try to aim at having a new chapter out every few days, a week at the most. I normally try too keep a chapter or two a head of myself so I can reread things to make sure I like the way the story is going. That and I've discovered I have a thing for VN's.
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Re: Butterflies (Was Rinicisms) (Erotic bits)Feedback welcom

Post by Nakasaro-San » Tue Apr 03, 2012 7:00 am

K, thanks for clearing that up. I also like visual novels. I think Mountaineer is apart of another visual novel called "Salty Tears".
So far the April Fools demo is out. I dunno if I'm allowed to mention it here, so PM me for the link.

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