The Train

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AHardDayzNight
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The Train

Post by AHardDayzNight » Mon Feb 27, 2012 4:54 am

This is my first fanfic so I don't really know what I'm doing. It was just an idea that came to my head that I felt like writing down. I hope you somewhat enjoy it at least.

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I hardly recognized her. To be honest, I spent a good ten minutes on the train without realizing it was her until she turned around. Even after the initial double take I doubted it, and kept trying to steal some glances so she wouldn’t notice I was staring at her. It was kind of crowded in there so I’m not surprised she didn’t see me, though I wish she had.

It’s been about 6 years since I went to Yamaku, around the same time since I last saw her so I guess it’s understandable I wouldn’t recognize her or maybe I’m just trying to rationalize my awful memory. Awful for a reason though, there are several things about that period of my life I prefer not to remember. There was so much potential, but of course I screwed it all up anyways. I never was too good with women, even when they threw themselves at me. I pitied myself at the time too heavily over my condition. Maybe I’m just self absorbed.

Then out of nowhere as I’m rambling to myself, some kid probably in his mid-teens, bumped into her and she dropped her purse. He continued obliviously, without apologizing or even picking up her purse, to the front of the train.

I’m not sure if it’s my age or maybe I’m simply cynical, but I couldn’t help but notice how careless kids are these days. I don’t remember being so rude to my elders in my youth.

Regardless, as she bent down to pick up her purse she momentarily turned around. At a ground level she could only see my pants, but I’m sure she looked in this direction. If only she had looked up. Instead she collected it and resumed her initial stance holding onto the handrails.

"Please look at me," I thought to myself. "Don't tell me you've already forgotten who I am."

It would really have been hard not to recognize me. I haven’t changed at all. My hair still has its trademark cowlick, and retains its natural color. The only difference is the stubble on my face from not shaving. She on the other hand had undertaken a complete overhaul with hers. It’s much shorter now, just under shoulder length, with a dark blue hue to it; sporting a cute hairclip holding her bangs in place. It reminded me of Shizune’s hair. I wasn’t completely unexpected she did that though.

The train continued onwards as I grew restless, trying to sum up the courage to approach her. I didn’t even know how to begin a conversation with her. It had been several years since we last spoke, and it wasn’t exactly the best memory I had with her. It was the worst if anything.

Ten minutes passed with me hopelessly trying to write a script for the conversation that would take place. Hell, I would have even settled for an intro but I couldn’t plan much more than “Hey.”

My stop was coming up soon, and still I had nothing. I started to consider just giving up. It didn’t work out then, so it wouldn’t work out now. I couldn’t change anything from the past. Speaking to her might have just brought back a day that she probably didn’t even want to remember. Realistically, she’d probably already forgotten about me. We were just teenagers in high school.

Approaching my stop I completely gave up and gathered my things to leave the train. Moment’s like those I wished I had taken notes from Emi on how to be more outgoing. I may not have known her for long, but that was a girl with energy that emanated off her persona the second you met her. I was always so lazy, and still am.

As I got up to exit the train I noticed she was doing the same.

“Why is she getting off here?” I said to myself, starting to panic. “Why is she here anyways?” The possibilities ran through my head without producing any believable options.

Last I heard of her she had left to country for her career. It may have been teaching internationally, but I couldn’t recall. I didn’t even want to recall.

I swiftly squeezed myself through the doors as soon as they opened, trying to avoid any confrontation. I changed my mind; I didn’t want to talk to her.

Just seeing her brought back the memories I tried so hard to repress. The girls I met at Yamaku all flooded back into my memory as vividly as if I had seen them yesterday. I still remembered their subtle nuances, the one’s that made them so unique, and then it all came back to me.

“What if I hadn’t screwed it all up? What if instead of brushing her off the way I did, I showed some true sincerity and selflessness? What if I had just tried? Would things be different? Would we be together to this day?”

My mind was racing, and I became desperate to get outside for some air and escape the station. I assumed a brisk pace and cleared my way through to the exit. I didn’t look back to see if she followed. I didn’t want to look back. It was all behind me now.

Once outside I found a nearby bench and took a seat. I was so out of shape my heart started giving me trouble even after a short speed walk. A mix of that with what just transpired in the train left me shaking with nerves. I hung my head in self loathing, as I realized how pathetic I really was. Just as I was ready to break down and cry a woman took a seat next to me.

“H-Hisao?” she asked with a timid uncertainty.

I turned to look at her and I thought I was going to have another heart attack on the spot. She was even more beautiful up close. Her eyes were deep and her complexion fair. She had matured well over the years, which only made me feel worse about my mistakes. I froze at first, trying to piece together a sentence. That whole time preparing on the train led to nothing because in this moment the only thing I could do was fixate myself in her eyes.

Finally I opened my mouth.

“Iwanako…”

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CarnivalNights
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Re: The Train

Post by CarnivalNights » Mon Feb 27, 2012 10:11 pm

Now comes the part where you keep going. :)
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Robnonymous
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Re: The Train

Post by Robnonymous » Mon Feb 27, 2012 10:15 pm

CarnivalNights wrote:Now comes the part where you keep going. :)
Bad Dreams (Hanako) - My first KS fanfic. it's actually a happy story
Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story) - My second KS fanfic. Not all that happy.

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Mahorfeus
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Re: The Train

Post by Mahorfeus » Mon Feb 27, 2012 10:43 pm

A continuation of a hypothetical forever alone ending?

Wait here, I need to grab my popcorn.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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misterprinny
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Re: The Train

Post by misterprinny » Mon Feb 27, 2012 11:18 pm

Interested to see how this turns out.

WRITE MOAR PLEASE
Head Editor at Stewart-Class 7 Studios, an OELVN studio similar to 4LS. Please check out our blog and website and our forums.

AHardDayzNight
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Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2012 1:28 am

Re: The Train

Post by AHardDayzNight » Tue Feb 28, 2012 5:03 am

misterprinny wrote:Interested to see how this turns out.

WRITE MOAR PLEASE
Wow, thanks guys. i didn't think anyone would want to read anymore. I'll start to plot out a second part, and put some more into it.
Just one question... was the ending obvious? I wasn't going for a sixth sense thing there but i'm curious.

Demoneq
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Re: The Train

Post by Demoneq » Tue Feb 28, 2012 5:19 am

AHardDayzNight wrote:Just one question... was the ending obvious? I wasn't going for a sixth sense thing there but i'm curious.
Nope, for me the description was hinting at the girl on the train being Hanako, for example, and her being Iwanako didn't cross my mind for even a second. (unless there are some details/hints suggesting, that it's not any of the Yamaku girls and I missed them...)

Tezzeret
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Location: Indianapolis, Indiana

Re: The Train

Post by Tezzeret » Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:02 am

Excellent writing sir :mrgreen:

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CarnivalNights
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Re: The Train

Post by CarnivalNights » Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:15 am

AHardDayzNight wrote:
misterprinny wrote:Interested to see how this turns out.

WRITE MOAR PLEASE
Wow, thanks guys. i didn't think anyone would want to read anymore. I'll start to plot out a second part, and put some more into it.
Just one question... was the ending obvious? I wasn't going for a sixth sense thing there but i'm curious.
My dumbass ruined it for myself scrolling to the bottom to see how long it would take and of all the words to notice at the very end, it happened to be that one. Needless to say, it's what inspired me to read it.
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Silentcook
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Re: The Train

Post by Silentcook » Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:12 am

Requests are not allowed here. This forum is for people to post their fanfiction, not for people to make requests of others.

This includes the following:

-Asking for extensions, continuations, sequels, and followups. Let authors proceed at their own pace.
I would like not to give any bans over this.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

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Robnonymous
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Re: The Train

Post by Robnonymous » Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:20 pm

Silentcook wrote:I would like not to give any bans over this.
No requests here, just some good old-fashioned and wholesome encouragement. 8)
Bad Dreams (Hanako) - My first KS fanfic. it's actually a happy story
Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story) - My second KS fanfic. Not all that happy.

Silentcook
Carelessly Cooking You
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Location: Imola, Italy

Re: The Train

Post by Silentcook » Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:37 pm

Robnonymous wrote:No requests here, just some good old-fashioned and wholesome encouragement. 8)
Robnonymous wrote:
CarnivalNights wrote:Now comes the part where you keep going. :)
misterprinny wrote:WRITE MOAR PLEASE
I call bullshit.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

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Robnonymous
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Re: The Train

Post by Robnonymous » Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:35 pm

Context.
Bad Dreams (Hanako) - My first KS fanfic. it's actually a happy story
Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story) - My second KS fanfic. Not all that happy.

AHardDayzNight
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2012 1:28 am

Re: The Train

Post by AHardDayzNight » Wed Feb 29, 2012 12:15 am

Silentcook wrote:
Robnonymous wrote:No requests here, just some good old-fashioned and wholesome encouragement. 8)
Robnonymous wrote:
CarnivalNights wrote:Now comes the part where you keep going. :)
misterprinny wrote:WRITE MOAR PLEASE
I call bullshit.
it's definitely encouragement as robnonymous stated. i welcome encouragement as well as criticism of any kind.
it's good to see people want to see it continue, i'm eager to please. i am still going at my pace and will put up a second part when i'm ready.
no reason to ban anyone. we're all friends here.

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Mahorfeus
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Re: The Train

Post by Mahorfeus » Wed Feb 29, 2012 12:26 am

Just don't feel obliged to write for our sake.

Stop if you want to, and don't let us tell you otherwise. If we end up disliking it for whatever reason, you can keep on going without a care in the world.

Something along those lines.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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