Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2012 1:57 am
Kenji is the true Master of Romance. Hisao just needs to get on his level.
(Where's the Walkthrough?)
The kiss in my imagination has a musical number involved. It is fully choreographed.tony246 wrote:Oh, one more thing, I was going to include a Kiss at the end...but it turns out I can't write a kiss scene without it being absolutely terrible. So imagine one there and be satisfied by it.
I think the line at the end should read as "Yeah, they did."tony246 wrote:“So, before you can steal anymore of my lines, let me say this clearly. Thank you for being there with me. You…really helped me out, and while it did hurt at times…well, the good times just overshadowed all of that didn’t they?”
“Y-yes,” She agreed. “Yeah, they were.”
And I'd like to know, was this referring to the bill? If not, was it ever resolved? It's really ambiguous.“Apparently there’s a very well reviewed one that’s playing right now. So we’ll be going there.”
“…” Nothing but static on the other line.
“Oh, sorry Hisao, I was just a bit busy. Apparently you’re not the only one worried.”
Before I could decipher what she meant, the alarm starts playing, signaling the end of my planning time.
Sorry, the way you're wording this is making me confused for some reason. I don't seem to understand what you're trying to say. I mean, I just kinda wrote the chapter with Hisao trying to have a good first date but then unexpected events keep popping up. Or something.Brogurt wrote:
Also, I think Hisao was being a little too retarded for his own good, with little justification when it came to the movie getting cancelled and him picking a new one at random. It can kind of be inferred that he wants to seem like he's flawless and perfect and shit, but I think you could have tied it into Hanako's self-esteem issues as well. Like a "oh god what if she thinks I'm some kind of screwup and what kind of message would that send to her?" kind of deal.
Ok, what the text there was referring to was actually Lilly being busy with Hanako on another line. On that note, Hanako was pretty anxious about it too and had to get help from Lilly and Emi.Brogurt wrote:
I was also thinking that you should have foreshadowed the bill, but then I remembered this part
And I'd like to know, was this referring to the bill? If not, was it ever resolved? It's really ambiguous.
What I really like about this moment is that mismatching colors really shouldn't have anything to do with his vision problems. He should still be able to see colors even if they are just blurs. What i got out of this is that Kenji just has a horrible fashion sense and doesn't realize it. That just fits so perfectly for me.“From past experiences,” He explains. “And when I say ‘past experiences’ I really mean ‘my girlfriend would get angry every time I came to a date with mismatched clothes.’ Seriously, you’ve never seen a person cry so much about wearing pink on red.”
This part sticks out a bit to me. Else where in the story, you have her getting nervous and stuttering over far more trivial matters, but she actually has a perfectly calm and normal response to Hisao commenting on her looks. That's pretty much her trigger issue. Having her stutter a bit on that or commenting that she says "thanks" in a way that suggests she doesn't really believe or isn't used to it would suit the character a bit better.“You look nice,” I manage to say finally.
“Thanks, you do too,” She replies.
There's nothing hard about writing a kiss, especially at the end of a chapter. If anything is a story is allowed to be cheesy, it's a kiss. All you'd have to do is write something like, "and the next thing I know,our lips are locked together and it feels like an hour before they part," not the bst example, but the idea is basically there.Oh, one more thing, I was going to include a Kiss at the end...but it turns out I can't write a kiss scene without it being absolutely terrible. So imagine one there and be satisfied by it.
at first I thought this was a reference to somethingLet's hope this one is as fluffy and super as a Supersheep.
I don't think you should be summarizing the scene before we read it. The exposition should be done in the prose, not before it.Oh, and just to get this out of the way [...] near the end of the scene.
Oh man what an awesome name.Lilly’s Back
was this in unison?“Just maybe,” The two answer.
i don't know if it's appropriate to tell you what I misread this asa bucket of chum.
you better have a good fucking reason for 5 girls 1 tea setThirdly, the presence of Emi and Rin in their sleeping wardrobe, both sitting next to Lilly.
seems a little too clear for rin. she's supposed to not make any sense, instead of making sense and then saying some ADD thing afterwards“Hanako’s right, what those two do in private should be kept to themselves, really I’m ashamed of both of you,” Rin says. “Also, butterflies are awesome.”
10/10“Et tu Lilly?” I ask.
again with the Rin“Oh, then can I have the back?” Rin asks, as she walks behind me and we start resting back to back. “And, dandelions are fluffy!”
add something to it that wasn't there previously. I may or may not be doing that exact thing right now, so if you really want to discuss the topic, you could PM meI've never actually been to Hokkaido or anywhere in Japan, so I have no idea what to do if I were to write a chapter about it.