The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

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tony246
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Mon Mar 05, 2012 2:57 am

To be quite frank, I looked at the third chapter as Hanako just going along with everything and hoping for the best. Which is why she followed along with Emi's plan and doing things Emi would do. Though I suppose that resulted in some strange overlap or something.

Hm, if only I had more experience in character building. Oh well, I'll just try my best.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

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Daitengu
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Daitengu » Mon Mar 05, 2012 4:53 am

Ah, I see. Casting her into the 'follower' type role could lead to some rather interesting story telling. It could be rather devious if you write her getting into trouble from following peer pressure. Hisao pretty much does similar by changing into a person more suited to the girl by the end of each arc. I admit there are possibilities both light and dark for that kind of change in the way Hanako deals with people.

Makes me wonder if you're going to stir the pot on that premise, or keep it bubblegum.

Don't worry about your experience, you can only get it by writing more. Even Da Vinci was an amateur at one time. No hatin' going on, just opinions and criticisms. If you get something that helps from the criticism, great, if you totally disagree, that's fine too. Ultimately, you're the writer. You are God to your story and characters. You could just have Hisao show up on a segue at the track in the morning just to mess with Emi in the next chapter, or even have a heart attack, if you wanted to lol You're not getting paid for it, so as long as you're having fun with it, that's all that really matters.

tony246
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Sun Mar 11, 2012 3:16 am

Daitengu wrote:Ah, I see. Casting her into the 'follower' type role could lead to some rather interesting story telling. It could be rather devious if you write her getting into trouble from following peer pressure. Hisao pretty much does similar by changing into a person more suited to the girl by the end of each arc. I admit there are possibilities both light and dark for that kind of change in the way Hanako deals with people.
Again, light and fluffy in this stuff only. If I were ever to do anything even remotely dramatic, then it would only last one or two chapters before being resolved. I mean, what's wrong with you people? Do you want drama or something? Geez.

But anyways, due to the totally unexpected result of this weekend being daylight savings time, the chapters will come in late. I'm not saying they're delayed until next week, but just that they might come late is all. This post is merely to inform people that I'm still doing this and to bring this thread up so that I don't have to search for it.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

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Daitengu
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Daitengu » Sun Mar 11, 2012 5:06 am

tony246 wrote:
Daitengu wrote:Ah, I see. Casting her into the 'follower' type role could lead to some rather interesting story telling. It could be rather devious if you write her getting into trouble from following peer pressure. Hisao pretty much does similar by changing into a person more suited to the girl by the end of each arc. I admit there are possibilities both light and dark for that kind of change in the way Hanako deals with people.
Again, light and fluffy in this stuff only. If I were ever to do anything even remotely dramatic, then it would only last one or two chapters before being resolved. I mean, what's wrong with you people? Do you want drama or something? Geez.
light n fluffy, light n fluffy... That can be very fun/funny to read.
The personality changes you've made, make sense then. I just gotta get canon outa ma head to enjoy it more. What kinda inspiration are you taking for personality changes?


I think if I were to try it'd be something like Rin having a splash of Osaka from Azumanga Daioh, and bit of Ritsu for Emi and a bit Mio for Hanako from K-on, it'd be pretty funny and fluffy.

Hisao, forever the straight man...

...Damn, now I wanna read a KS comedy lol


S'all good broski, the chaos of life tends to mess up plans.

tony246
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:09 am

We are back! And it has come to my attention that I need some concrete data on how a Japanese school year works. So if anyone has any information, please speak up.

Also, it occurs to me that I am not good at chapter beginnings and endings. And I now understand the prevalent desire to have cliffhangers in chapters. So if anyone has suggestions on writing, please tell me that too.

Anyways, let's get started

+++
Previous Chapter
+++


Chapter 4: We want YOU for the Student Council

Tick…Tock

I swear, the clock seemed to actually be slowing down as the minute hand neared the twelve. I could feel the tension of at least 34 eyes as the class watched the clock. Waiting for the end of…whatever Mutou was talking about right now. Hm, what was he saying?

“So if you take the integral…”

Ok, nothing important. Good. Back to the clock watching.

The minute hand was finally one nudge away from the end. Just one more nudge. I could hear the beating of my heart, thumping faster and faster as the second hand crawled away from the six. Then to the seven. The eight. The nine. The ten. The eleven. The eleven and a half. The eleven and three quarters. The eleven and seven eights. The…wah?

“Um, sir?” Misha says. “There’s something wrong with the clock.”

Mutou turns towards the clock and sees it stopped exactly a moment before class would be let out. I could just barely hear the sounds of every other bell in the school going off.

“Hm, must be broken,” Mutou mutters before shrugging it off. “Alright, class dismissed.”

With that, nearly everyone jumped out of their seats and, carefully, sped walked out the door. I myself was calmly putting away my books. Though I had the strangest feeling I was forgetting something.

That something answered in the form of Misha and Shizune, appearing out of nowhere.

“Hicchan~!” Misha practically yells. No, strike that, she yelled it, my eardrums can attest to that.

“What?”

“Hm, don’t you remember? You said you’d help us out in the Student Council for today~!”

“Ah ri…wait, no I didn’t. I said no such thing. I was coerced! I was definitely coerced!”

“Hm? I’m pretty sure you agreed. And you can’t back out on your agreements now. Three hours of Student Council service for making us miss the deadline.”

“See! Right there! That’s down right blackmail!”

“Ah, don’t be silly Hicchan. This isn’t blackmail. This is aggressive persuasion without realistic chance of rebuttal.”

“Ah, but…but…” I look for a way out. Spotting Hanako, I make my clever gambit. “You see, I already made plans and those plans were premade before the incident so therefore they have a higher authority than your aggressive persuasion without realistic chance of rebuttal.”

I briskly walk towards Hanako, waving to attract her attention. She meets me halfway, looking slightly confused by what was going on.

“Trying to get out of doing student council business, go with it,” I whisper to her before facing Misha and Shizune again.

“See, we’re going out…to find a bookstore…to broaden our learning experiences.”

Ok, not the most believable lie, but better than nothing.

Evidently, Shizune thought I could do better, that smirk of hers blatantly states as much.

“Ah, but can’t you ‘broaden your learning experiences’ in the student council? After all, we are connected to every organization in the school~! And that means it’s a great place to c-c-compile data for your learning experience.”

“But I already worked with the student council a few times before.”

“Tsk, tsk, Hicchan. Just because you take three days of an English course doesn’t mean you know everything about the English language.”

I can’t help but feel that analogy is completely inappropriate yet correct for the situation, at the same time. It’s a curious feeling, but no time for that now.

“But still, going out to experience something new is better than doing something old, correct?”

“Hm, true.”

Yes, I got her.

“So that means you two should definitely come to today’s Student Council meeting.”

…hah?

“Y-you two?” Hanako stutters, evidently just as surprised as I am.

“Of course, if both of you come to the Student Council room, you’ll both get to experience the duties of an elite corporate system. Not only that, you’ll also experience giving back to the school and possibly be instilled with a sense of duty. As a bonus, since your gracious boyfriend here has already helped us a few times before, he can further aid you in your own e-endeavors in doing your duties to the Student Council~!”

Ignoring the fancy words Misha was spouting, Shizune has effectively cut off all routes of escape. Worse yet, I somehow got Hanako involved as well. I should really apologize to her as soon as I can.

“Well, coming?”

I glance at Hanako, who seemed to be debating whether or not she should run and abandon me or stay and suffer through three hours of paper work. Eventually, she comes to a decision, walking forward.

“I-It might be g-good, having a new experience,” Hanako whispers as we walk towards the waiting Misha and Shizune.

+++

Unexpectedly, due to the addition of Hanako, the assumed three hours of torture became a one hour session, though I do suspect that Shizune was exaggerating the work load amount. Soon, the last piece of paper was filed away and we were all left with nothing to do.

“Hm, this team performed adequately, good job everyone~!” Misha translates.

“So, we can go now, right?” I ask.

“Of course not Hicchan~! You still owe us one hour and fifty-three minutes of service. Oh, but Hanako can leave any time she wants.”

“I would like t-to wait for Hisao.”

“Alright~!”

“Um, that still doesn’t cover the fact that we have two hours—”

“One hour and fifty-two minutes~!”

“Fine, one hour and fifty-two minutes of nothing to do.”

“Oh don’t be silly, we have the perfect thing to pass the time with~!”

As dramatic as possible, Misha walked over to a cabinet and dragged out a very familiar looking box. Slamming it on the table in front of us, she triumphantly declared: “Risk!”

+++

An hour and a minute in the game and only Shizune, Hanako, and I were still in. Wait, that’s a bit strange way to say that. What I really mean is that only Misha has lost so far, her territory and troops being taken over by Shizune early in the game. Come to think of it, it may have been too easy.

“Come on Hicchan, aren’t you going to attack?”

“Oh no, I’m not falling for that again,” I retort, remembering a disasterous first attempt at aggression. “Just wait until I build enough forces to overtake you!”

“Ha, don’t you know it is bad strategy to let your enemy know your tactics? Unless you’re faking me out, then I retract that statement. Unless THAT was the fake out, then I retract my retracting of that earlier statement but add some acknowledgement.”

Shizune swiftly turns to Hanako, who was still deciding which way to invade what.

“And what about you? Trying to go for my undefended areas I see,” Misha confronts.

“W-which ones?” Hanako asks

“What?!”

Shizune scans her territories, searching for the extra undefended zone Hanako alluded to. Unable to find anything of the sort, she once again faces Hanako.

“Oh, clever, trying to get me riled up, but I’m not fooled. There is only one viable option for you to attack from and I’m fully prepared for it~!”

Hanako then moves her forces to a spot Shizune somehow completely overlooked.

+++

The end result of our world conquest attempts was Hanako winning after Shizune made a fatal error in her end game. She demanded a rematch, but it was almost nighttime and everyone had homework to do.

Walking towards the dorms, Hanako and I finally got to enjoy a moment of peace and quiet.

“T-that was fun.”

“Yeah, those two are friendlier than they look.”

“Though, I’m not sure I want to do that again…at least not right away.”

I can understand that, Shizune does leaves a person with an odd sense of aggressiveness.

“And, it would lead to less time…”

“Less time doing what?”

“…Spending t-time together of course,” She admits.

“Hm, that’s a problem,” I agree. “But…I think we have plenty of time for that. Maybe this Saturday?”

“…Y-yes.”

“Ah, alright then. Good night, Hanako.”

“Good night, Hisao.”

We wave each other goodbye and walk to our respective dorms. Yeah, this was a good day.

+++
Next Chapter
+++

I hope this chapter was satisfactory. If not, then I'm sorry.
Last edited by tony246 on Sun Mar 18, 2012 9:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

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Daitengu
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Daitengu » Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:43 am

mmm, definitely enjoyed it better now that I roll with it. I suppose it was just me.

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Brogurt
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Brogurt » Mon Mar 12, 2012 8:58 am

kony246 wrote:“So if you take the integral…”

Ok, nothing important.
>integrals
>not important
nice to know hisao's still retarded

anyway I think I might get back to you later on some things; I gotta go now

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Mahorfeus
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Mahorfeus » Mon Mar 12, 2012 9:54 am

Do we ever think anything we learn in class is important...? Don't tell me I'm the only one...
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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Otakumon
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Otakumon » Mon Mar 12, 2012 6:03 pm

Brogurt wrote:
kony246 wrote:“So if you take the integral…”

Ok, nothing important.
>integrals
>not important
nice to know hisao's still retarded
Stupidity is an integral part of his character.

To the OP, if you Google 'Japanese school year' you will find a lot of information you can check out. One thing I've found is an article done by an English speaking student that describes things from a transfer students point of view, but it describes thing pretty well. http://users.frii.com/salyavin/maikotext.html#maiko1

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Dan50 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 8:51 pm

Hanako is so cute here :D

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Specter Von Baren
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Specter Von Baren » Wed Mar 14, 2012 10:42 pm

Nicely done. A simple moment but an enjoyable one all the same.

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Oddball » Sun Mar 18, 2012 1:49 am

tony246 wrote: Also, it occurs to me that I am not good at chapter beginnings and endings. And I now understand the prevalent desire to have cliffhangers in chapters. So if anyone has suggestions on writing, please tell me that too.
Two quick tips for you.

The beginning of chapters should always catch people's attention and make them want to keep reading. If necessary, take elements out of context and then explain them after you've caught people's attention. For example starting a chapter saying I woke up to the sound of an annoying bird singing too loud. isn't exactly a good way to start a chapter. Saying something like There's a bird outside my window. It hates me and wants to ruin my life. is more likely to catch a readers attention. Then you can follow it up saying that the reason this bird hates him and wants to ruin his life is the only reason he can think a bird would choose to sit right outside his window and start singing at the top of it's little bird lungs as soon as the sun comes up guaranteeing he'll get no sleep.

As for ending things, cliffhangers are good but another decent way is to just have the character comment on the events of the chapter almost as a summary. "so, Hanako hates me, I'm being forced to share a room with Kenji, I flunked my last big test, and they've increased my medicine. I'd ask if today could get worse, but I'm afraid if I did I'd somehow spontaneously manage to catch fire."

Those were just examples, not even particularly good ones, but if anybody wants to take those ideas, they're welcome to them.

As for the issues with Hanako's character, I think a good middle ground might be to simply have her unsure how people are supposed to act socially. She's shunned human contact most of her life. She could still be more confident and outgoing while still thinking to herself "well, this is how friends act in the books I've read and I think this is how I've seen other people act. I hope I'm doing this right."

Overall though, this is a very good story so far. It's pretty lighthearted and just all around fun. Thumbs up to ya'.
Not Dead Yet

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Specter Von Baren
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Specter Von Baren » Sun Mar 18, 2012 4:08 am

Oddball wrote:
tony246 wrote: There's a bird outside my window. It hates me and wants to ruin my life. is more likely to catch a readers attention. Then you can follow it up saying that the reason this bird hates him and wants to ruin his life is the only reason he can think a bird would choose to sit right outside his window and start singing at the top of it's little bird lungs as soon as the sun comes up guaranteeing he'll get no sleep.

As for ending things, cliffhangers are good but another decent way is to just have the character comment on the events of the chapter almost as a summary. "so, Hanako hates me, I'm being forced to share a room with Kenji, I flunked my last big test, and they've increased my medicine. I'd ask if today could get worse, but I'm afraid if I did I'd somehow spontaneously manage to catch fire."
I must admit. These made me laugh.

tony246
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Sun Mar 18, 2012 9:43 pm

Daitengu wrote: I think if I were to try it'd be something like Rin having a splash of Osaka from Azumanga Daioh, and bit of Ritsu for Emi and a bit Mio for Hanako from K-on, it'd be pretty funny and fluffy.

Hisao, forever the straight man...

...Damn, now I wanna read a KS comedy lol
Everyone, you can thank this post for this chapter.

+++
Previous Chapter
+++

Chapter 5: The Chapter where Hisao Dreams of a Light Music Club

I make a mad dash upstairs, hoping that I’m not too late. Rounding the corners, I arrive in front of two rather large wooden doors. Stopping momentarily to check my heart rate, I quickly push through, arriving at my destination.

Inside the club room, I see Hanako and Lilly, eating expensive looking treats and drinking what surely must be tea. I glance around seeing various instruments and furniture but no other living beings present. Only the two of them eating snacks.

“Am I early?” I ask, looking around for everyone else.

“N-no, everyone else s-seems to be late,” Hanako sighs.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure everyone will be here soon,” Lilly says, drinking a cup of tea. “In the mean time, how about we sit down for some sna—”

BAM!!

The door behind me flies open dramatically and loudly. Coincidentally, it also sends me halfway across the room into Lilly’s tea sets, the extremely expensive and costly tea sets. Dazed, I struggle to my feet just in time to see Rin and Emi stroll into the room, bursting with excitement about something.

“Emi! Why did you do that?”

“Eh? Hisao? Why are you lying there like that?” She asks without any realization of what she did. “Anyways, everyone, I have signed us up for playing in the school’s talent show.”

“We know,” Everyone replies.

“Eh? How?”

“You said so every day so far,” I state. Though this was the first time she did it while kicking the door down.

“Furthermore, isn’t this a bad idea?” I continue. “I mean, it’s not as if any of us had a lot of practice done.”

“That coming from the guy who can’t play any instrument?” Emi replies.

“Hey! I am your producer, that’s an important position!”

“Speaking of instruments, where’s Shizune?” Emi asks.

As if the world was run on amusingly hilarious, yet painful, coincidences, the door slams open once again. This time, Emi is sent flying…towards me…with her running blades still on.

Uh, I believe the word here is…OUCH!

As Lilly and Hanako start to administer first aid, Misha and Shizune walk into the room. For some reason, Shizune looks pretty mad too.

“Why aren’t you practicing?!” Shizune, via Misha, demands to know. “The talent show is tomorrow!”

“I-I am p-practicing,” Hanako replies, plucking a few notes on her bass.

“Hanako, you’re supposed to be Mio, remember?” Lilly whispers.

“Oh, right,” She agrees, coughing a bit. “E-everyone! Shizune is r-right! We need to practice! Or else we might look like fools…or something.”

“Oh alright,” Emi sighs. “But first let’s watch this scary movie I found on the railing!”

Hanako lets out an impressive high pitched squeak before collapsing into the corner.

+++

A while later, everyone is…absolutely not working on practice. Instead we stare in increasing incredulity at Emi going through a bunch of expensive and tasty looking snacks. Geez, she says I can’t eat them due to my diet but there she goes filling her stomach, how unfair.

“But seriously, the talent show is tomorrow, what are we going to do?” I ask.

“Practice of course~!” Misha shouts enthusiastically.

“And what are we doing now?”

“Not practicing?” Rin says absentmindedly as she gulps down another cookie.

“We should really do something about that, shouldn’t we?”

“Well, Hanako is still collapsed in the corner, so I don’t know what we can do without a bassist,” Emi says.

I sigh and walk over to Hanako, who was at least breathing after her panic attack. Waving a cookie in front of her, she soon snaps out of her fear induced coma. Thank God for expensive snacks.

“A-alright everyone, we should definitely s-start practicing a little bit now.”

“Hanako is right! We should definitely do something besides sit around and eat snacks~!”

“Alright,” Everyone agrees.

Club time: 3 hours. Practice time: 5 minutes.

+++

The next day, the talent show is on, we are going to perform up next, and all we have going for us would be Yuuko’s cosplay outfits. Oh, and Hanako is terrified over having to sing in front of the whole school body.

“Come on Hanako, you can do it, you’re a great singer!” Emi says, trying to snap Hanako out of her panic attack. “And you’ve been practicing longer than any of us!”

“R-really?”

“Yeah, and it’s not as if your entire reputation is going to be different if you mess up horribly,” Emi assures. “Well, I mean sure you might get laughed at, and possibly mocked, probably shunned, and more or less be the butt of the joke but you still have us!”

“…”

“…”

“AHHHH!” Hanako screams, curling up into a ball.

“Damnit Emi! You can’t verbally abuse our lead singer like that!” I shout.

“And your girlfriend,” She adds.

“We’re K-On! characters, I’m not even supposed to be here but somehow I am.”

“Ah, right.”

“Anyways,” I walk over to Hanako. “Hanako, don’t worry, it’s going to be alright.”

“R-really?” She mutters.

“Yep, because, despite all of that nonsense Emi was spouting, she does have one point right.”

“W-what’s that?”

“We’re all still going to be here, for you.”

She de-curls and looks around. Shizune was diligently tuning her guitar with the help of Misha, but both gave time to give her a positively confident nod. Emi is grinning from ear to ear, possibly trying to send waves of confidence towards her. Rin lifts her foot and wiggles her toes a bit, probably trying to do what I assume to be a ‘toes-up.’ Lilly also sends her a relaxing smile before checking her keyboard once more.

“So, you’re going to have to be here for us, right?”

“R-right!”

Hanako jumps to her feet and walks confidently up towards her bass. Quickly tuning it, she prepares for the concert. Flipping her hair over her shoulder, she faces us.

“Let’s go everyone!”

After that, they played a pretty kickass concert.

+++

An annoying alarm once again resounds in my ear, waking me up to a new day. Grunting, I turn over and over until I end up falling to the floor. Struggling out of an entanglement of bed sheets and my own limbs, I finally manage to crawl out to the carpet floor. Resting against my bed, I had only one thing to say to the new day.

“What kind of dream was that?”

+++
Next Chapter
+++

Well, I'm not much of a slice of life comedy guy but I tried at least. Anyways, our regularly scheduled fluff fest will be out next week so stay tuned.

EDIT: Minor tense fix done. Maybe. Probably.
Last edited by tony246 on Mon Mar 26, 2012 8:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

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Daitengu
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Daitengu » Sun Mar 18, 2012 11:15 pm

Didn't really mean it literally, but surprises are the spice of life lol. I thought it was pretty funny that you had them attempting to act as the characters.The slips were funny. Like watching first time roleplayers trying to act in character lol.

Since you decided to do it in dreamscape it doesn't have to worry about being coherent. Probably the best way to set that kind of tone.

Only thing I could suggest would be to have a intro before the dream, like Hisao and Hanako were on a K-On Marathon (the day after, but before Saturday, Life is random sometimes lol) and Hisao fell asleep hours into it. It'd be funny if he fell asleep while his head was on her lap, and he was woken up because she was squirming from either her legs falling asleep or needing to use the bathroom lol.

Could also add a complaint from Shizune about having to play a role even though she can't hear(music, just how it goes). Oh... could make her Sawa sensei and just have everyone in-character tease her lol

Shizune's angry face is kinda cute lol

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