The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

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DanjaDoom
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by DanjaDoom » Mon Apr 23, 2012 1:57 am

Kenji is the true Master of Romance. Hisao just needs to get on his level.
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nemz
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by nemz » Mon Apr 23, 2012 2:42 am

Some cute moments... some Lilly shenanigans that honestly would have made me a bit annoyed... but ultimately it feels flat, like a halfhearted sigh.

Also I just don't buy Kenji in this role at all. Not one word about feminists, even when there's a date involved? Dating leads to slave marriage and cruelly requires men to pay for it step by step so that when we reach the end, if we haven't simply been wasting our time and money, we are so invested in the relationship that it feels like we're already all-in and can't back down no matter how crappy the prize is! It's so obvious man, just look at it from the outside!
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Exbando » Mon Apr 23, 2012 5:12 am

I'm enjoying this story so far, keep up the good work.
tony246 wrote:Oh, one more thing, I was going to include a Kiss at the end...but it turns out I can't write a kiss scene without it being absolutely terrible. So imagine one there and be satisfied by it.
The kiss in my imagination has a musical number involved. It is fully choreographed.
Hanako > Lilly = Emi > Shizune > Rin
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Brogurt » Mon Apr 23, 2012 9:30 am

tony246 wrote:“So, before you can steal anymore of my lines, let me say this clearly. Thank you for being there with me. You…really helped me out, and while it did hurt at times…well, the good times just overshadowed all of that didn’t they?”

“Y-yes,” She agreed. “Yeah, they were.”
I think the line at the end should read as "Yeah, they did."

Also, I think Hisao was being a little too retarded for his own good, with little justification >implying he isn't always that way when it came to the movie getting cancelled and him picking a new one at random. It can kind of be inferred that he wants to seem like he's flawless and perfect and shit, but I think you could have tied it into Hanako's self-esteem issues as well. Like a "oh god what if she thinks I'm some kind of screwup and what kind of message would that send to her?" kind of deal.

I was also thinking that you should have foreshadowed the bill, but then I remembered this part
“Apparently there’s a very well reviewed one that’s playing right now. So we’ll be going there.”

“…” Nothing but static on the other line.

“Lilly?”

“Oh, sorry Hisao, I was just a bit busy. Apparently you’re not the only one worried.”

Before I could decipher what she meant, the alarm starts playing, signaling the end of my planning time.
And I'd like to know, was this referring to the bill? If not, was it ever resolved? It's really ambiguous.


Also, really digging that angel duo thing at the end. I'd ask you to go deeper into that, but I don't really know how.

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Hoitash » Mon Apr 23, 2012 10:13 am

Nicely done, well worth the effort you put into it, in my opinion.

That said, Kenji did seem a bit off in this chapter, BUT, I can see how its still in character-having Hisao point that out might help.
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Mon Apr 23, 2012 11:03 am

Ok, let's see, I'm getting some minor Kenji OOC and general strangeness with the text. I'll start with Kenji first.

Right, now normally Kenji would be entirely full of conspiracy rants. However, two things. Firstly, this is a bro moment. As in he needs to be the best bro he can be for Hisao right now, and that includes using his past experiences of having a girlfriend to help him out. Secondly, Lilly was on speakerphone. You don't spout off secrets of the feminist conspiracy movement to one of the mafia type leaders, that's just asking for trouble. He barely escaped with his fingers as it was.

Now, moving on to other stuff:
Brogurt wrote:
Also, I think Hisao was being a little too retarded for his own good, with little justification >implying he isn't always that way when it came to the movie getting cancelled and him picking a new one at random. It can kind of be inferred that he wants to seem like he's flawless and perfect and shit, but I think you could have tied it into Hanako's self-esteem issues as well. Like a "oh god what if she thinks I'm some kind of screwup and what kind of message would that send to her?" kind of deal.
Sorry, the way you're wording this is making me confused for some reason. I don't seem to understand what you're trying to say. I mean, I just kinda wrote the chapter with Hisao trying to have a good first date but then unexpected events keep popping up. Or something.
Brogurt wrote:

I was also thinking that you should have foreshadowed the bill, but then I remembered this part

[My Quote]

And I'd like to know, was this referring to the bill? If not, was it ever resolved? It's really ambiguous.
Ok, what the text there was referring to was actually Lilly being busy with Hanako on another line. On that note, Hanako was pretty anxious about it too and had to get help from Lilly and Emi.

As for the bill, well, yeah, it was resolved but I just couldn't make the scene fit smoothly. Honestly this first person thing is killing me for some reason. So, yes, the bill was resolved.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Elcor » Mon Apr 23, 2012 7:05 pm

Really great story, I can't wait for the next chapter. I think you did a great job doing it from the first person perceptive.

When Lilly was busy on the phone I figured she covered it with her hand while she spoke to Akria. The surprise of the bill being covered, after Hisao's small "panic" was a good surprise.

This is the second fan fiction I've read that has made It's a Wonderful Life its refreshing to see it.
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Oddball » Tue May 15, 2012 12:05 pm

Ah. I missed the last chapter earlier.
“From past experiences,” He explains. “And when I say ‘past experiences’ I really mean ‘my girlfriend would get angry every time I came to a date with mismatched clothes.’ Seriously, you’ve never seen a person cry so much about wearing pink on red.”
What I really like about this moment is that mismatching colors really shouldn't have anything to do with his vision problems. He should still be able to see colors even if they are just blurs. What i got out of this is that Kenji just has a horrible fashion sense and doesn't realize it. That just fits so perfectly for me.
“You look nice,” I manage to say finally.

“Thanks, you do too,” She replies.
This part sticks out a bit to me. Else where in the story, you have her getting nervous and stuttering over far more trivial matters, but she actually has a perfectly calm and normal response to Hisao commenting on her looks. That's pretty much her trigger issue. Having her stutter a bit on that or commenting that she says "thanks" in a way that suggests she doesn't really believe or isn't used to it would suit the character a bit better.

The talk about pet names really makes up for a lot of that though. It's adorable while still seeming a bit awkward and embarrassing. I think it really nailed the feel of a Hanako that was better adjusted and social, but not quite on the level she wanted to be at yet.
Oh, one more thing, I was going to include a Kiss at the end...but it turns out I can't write a kiss scene without it being absolutely terrible. So imagine one there and be satisfied by it.
There's nothing hard about writing a kiss, especially at the end of a chapter. If anything is a story is allowed to be cheesy, it's a kiss. All you'd have to do is write something like, "and the next thing I know,our lips are locked together and it feels like an hour before they part," not the bst example, but the idea is basically there.
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Sun May 27, 2012 11:53 pm

Alright, we're finally back with another installment of SUPERFLUFF. Let's hope this one is as fluffy and super as a Supersheep.

Oh, and just to get this out of the way, the beginning is going to be a lot like the original scene in Lilly's Route. Too much of it unfortunately. I mean there are some new wordings but nothing really new happens except for the actual meeting and somewhere near the end of the scene.

Without further delay:

+++
Previous Chapter
+++

Chapter 8: Lilly’s Back

“Hisao, is that one it?”

“No, I think that’s some foreign airline.”

“Is that one it?”

“No, the company colors are wrong.”

“Maybe that one is it?”

“No, I think that’s… hold on a minute, I think that one might be it after all.”

After what seems like a lifetime’s worth of waiting, the billboard finally changes to ‘disembarking.’ Hanako’s hand suddenly tenses up, squeezing mine into an uncomfortable shade of purple. Did not know she has this much hand strength.

“Hisao, over there…”

I follow her gaze and see two blonde haired women strolling are way.

“Hmm? Oh, Lilly, they’re here!”

“Really?”

We quickly move towards each other for a greeting. Well, for me it’s more like Hanako yanked my arm and didn’t care about anything it was attached to.

“Lilly!”

She moves as if she was going to jump on our blonde friend. Thankfully, she finally realizes her hand was still tightly gripping my own. Hanako looks at me, then at Lilly, then back to me once more, looking quite similar to a dog trying to decide which to consume first, the bowl of water or the bowl of food.

I offer a compromise.

“Group hug?”

The three of us come together, smiles all around as we try to hug the others to death. Akira, apparently feeling left out, jumps in the middle of it, causing a few shrieks of laughter.

“It’s wonderful to meet you two again,” Lilly says.

“Likewise,” I reply. “Welcome back. Though I wonder, why are you two are so late?”

“We would have been here earlier, but a lousy storm kicked up over at the airport. I’m surprised we’re still not drenched,” Akira explains.

“I guess you’ll appreciate the weather over here a bit more.”

“Just maybe,” The two answer.

Laughing, we make our way towards the taxi area.

“Ah, that’s right, Hisao?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t we have a holiday from school soon?”

“Yeah, Misha reminded me just this morning. We’ve got a three-day weekend starting from tomorrow.”

“Told ya you wouldn’t miss it,” Akira says, bumping Lilly’s side playfully with her elbow.

“You have something planned?”

“If neither you nor Hanako are busy…”

Hanako and I glance at each other.

“We’re free,” We both say.

“That’s good,” Lilly says.

She continues to explain that she has a little summerhouse for us to visit, albeit a little dusty due to a lack of use. Seems like Akira is expecting us to clean the place up a bit as well. How devious of her.

“Now then, I’m outta here,” She says.

“Already? Akira…”

“See ya in a few days, guys,” Akira says, turning away quickly in a hasty retreat.

“It does sound like it would be a nice place to go,” Hanako says.

“But first things first,” I say.

“Huh?”

“Hanako has a bit of a small welcome home party for you Lilly,” I explain.

“Oh? Really?” Lilly says, sounding slightly shocked.

“J-just…a small get together, w-with friends.”

+++

A loud yawn escapes my lips as I finish up the last problem on the homework list. Glancing at the clock, it reads 7:03 PM. I quickly put away my scholarly works and head out the door.

Walking down the hallway, I briefly consider asking Kenji to wake me up in the morning. I quickly cross that notion off. His version of waking someone up probably involves several air horns, a tuba, and a bucket of chum.

I quickly make my way to the other dorms. Wandering through the hallway, I see my destination and give a few quick knocks. I hear a few clicks of the lock and the door opens up with Hanako on the other side.

“Good evening,” I say as she pulls me inside the room.

Inside, I see a few things out of the ordinary from our usual tea time. First, the somewhat large cake on the table, but that’s pretty expected since this is a party. Secondly, the bottles of wine sitting next to the cake, no doubt granted by the Akira brewery. Thirdly, the presence of Emi and Rin in their sleeping wardrobe, both sitting next to Lilly.

“Hey Lilly, hey Emi, hey Rin,” I quickly greet in succession.

“Good evening Hisao.”

“Hey Hisao.”

“So there is a problem in your pants.”

…Goddamnit Rin.

After a few seconds of stifled laughter, this little get together finally got started. By that, I meant everyone but me quickly downed several glasses of wine. Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem drinking, but the looming ghost of the previous hangover and the need for me to get up early tomorrow weighed heavily in my mind.

“So, *hic* how far have you twooo gone?” Emi asks, her face twisted into some sort of lecherous smile.

One drunk.

“I c…certainly hope you tw…two were careful,” Lilly added.

Two drunks.

“I…I…don’t ha - *hic*-hafta answer th…that,” Hanako retorted, face pulled into a bit of a pout.

Three drunks.

“Hanako’s right, what those two do in private should be kept to themselves, really I’m ashamed of both of you,” Rin says. “Also, butterflies are awesome.”

Four drunks.

…Should have asked Kenji for a camera.

“Tha…ankyou Rin. You are noooww gonna be m*hic*m-my new bridesmaidpersonguy,” Hanako says.

“Oh? And what…about me?” Lilly asks.

“Yoouu will be…the pastor!” Hanako declares.

She throws about three drinks down her gullet before she collapses on my crisscrossed legs.

“Hanako! Are you alright?” I ask.

“Fiiiine!” She replies, grabbing one of my legs and using it as a pillow. “Just fiiiine!”

She giggles a bit and continues to use the leg as a pillow, face flushed and mouth pulled into a wide smile. Emi starts jumping a bit before she dashes over to my side.

“Eh? *hic* That’s com*hic*table? Really? Seriously? *hic* Howcanyasleeplikethat?” Emi questions.

Before Hanako could answer, Emi slides to the floor and rests her head against my other leg.

“Emi!” I shout. “What are you—”

“See, this isn’t com*hic*ta…Oh, wait, holy crap your leg *hic* is awwesome Hisao!” She says, ignoring me.

“Told ya! Now get off, his legs are my pro*hic*perty!”

“Nu uh, these are great!”

Hanako wobbles upward, trying to get to her feet. After a few seconds, she eventually gives up. Instead, she crawls towards Emi. Looping her hands around the smaller girl’s waist, she desperately tries to pull Emi off of my leg.

“O-off, these are only*hic* for me!”

“Eh? But Hanako, what if I want to be here?” Lilly asks, quickly placing her head where Hanako used to be.

“Et tu Lilly?” I ask.

“Just feel like teasing her a bit,” Lilly whispered. “I’m not that drunk yet.”

“Eh? But aah…eh…um, er…” Hanako mumbles.

“Oh, then can I have the back?” Rin asks, as she walks behind me and we start resting back to back. “And, dandelions are fluffy!”

“This is getting out of hand,” I sigh as I try to push everyone off of me. Strangely, for drunks they’re pretty strong.

“Eh…but…but…but…bu*hic*but…” Hanako says, as if she was in a loop. “I…I…I still get his shoulder and arm!”

Before anyone could do anything about it, Hanako pulls my arm into a hug and rests her head against my shoulder. With that, every girl in that room was somehow resting on a part of my body. Hmm, I’m pretty sure circulation has been cut off in most of my extremities. I really hope that’s not bad for my heart.

“Uh, everyone, while I can’t say that I hate all of this attention, I do need to regain feeling in…well, everything so can you all just get off of me? Please? Seriously? Not funny.”

Unfortunately, they either didn’t listen or fell asleep. At least this couldn’t get any worse.

Suddenly the door opened up to reveal Akira, holding a few more bottles of wine.

“Hey ever…what the heck happened here?” Akira asks, face molding into an oddly smug smile.

“I.Blame.You,” I mutter as I try to twist free. “What are you doing here anyways?”

“Well, I was going to drop off a few more bottles, but I can see everyone’s pretty plastered anyways, so…see ya!” She says, closing the door.

“Wait! Help me! I can’t feel my legs and left arm!” I shout, but it was too late, she had already left.

“Well, this is a fine mess,” I sigh.

“Mpffsh,” Hanako mumbles, head rising a few inches from my shoulder.

“Oh, Hanako, please get up.”

“Love…you…Hisao,” She murmurs before falling asleep again.

“…alright, you can stay for a few minutes,” I say. “But the rest of you need to get off.”

No response. Damn, they really are asleep, and pushing does nothing to help.

“They can’t hold on forever, people adjust their bodies when they sleep all the time,” I reason. “I’ll be out soon.”

A few hours later and I finally stumble my way back to the dorms.

+++

+++

That drunk scene? Inspired by this: http://rtil.deviantart.com/art/Katawa-S ... -296773793

Ok, to address some things in the chapter. Firstly, no Hisao is not getting a harem, everyone was just really drunk, except Lilly but she wanted to tease Hanako a bit since she doesn't seem as fragile AND she was a bit drunk. Secondly, I thought about doing Rin's drunk like her heavily medicated scene...but well this seemed funnier. Maybe. I'm sorry if I messed up.

And one last thing. I've never actually been to Hokkaido or anywhere in Japan, so I have no idea what to do if I were to write a chapter about it. I mean, I could do a Hanako version of the events where Hisao gets a minor heart flutter thing and go from there, but that wouldn't really fit since Hisao is actually paying attention to his medication and is getting some more exercise and health help from Emi. So I'm at a loss of what to do here. Any advice on this is welcome.
Last edited by tony246 on Mon May 28, 2012 1:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Dan50 » Mon May 28, 2012 12:08 am

Awww Hanako was so cute in that :D

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Brogurt » Mon May 28, 2012 12:11 am

It's not like I haven't already commented in a story today while reading it so let's do this shit again.

Let's hope this one is as fluffy and super as a Supersheep.
at first I thought this was a reference to something
Oh, and just to get this out of the way [...] near the end of the scene.
I don't think you should be summarizing the scene before we read it. The exposition should be done in the prose, not before it.
Lilly’s Back
Oh man what an awesome name. Or is it actually a reference to the back of Lilly?
“Just maybe,” The two answer.
was this in unison?
a bucket of chum.
i don't know if it's appropriate to tell you what I misread this as
Thirdly, the presence of Emi and Rin in their sleeping wardrobe, both sitting next to Lilly.
you better have a good fucking reason for 5 girls 1 tea set
“Hanako’s right, what those two do in private should be kept to themselves, really I’m ashamed of both of you,” Rin says. “Also, butterflies are awesome.”
seems a little too clear for rin. she's supposed to not make any sense, instead of making sense and then saying some ADD thing afterwards
“Et tu Lilly?” I ask.
10/10
It would definitely have been 11/10 material if Hisao pronounced it as Lil-lay
“Oh, then can I have the back?” Rin asks, as she walks behind me and we start resting back to back. “And, dandelions are fluffy!”
again with the Rin
I've never actually been to Hokkaido or anywhere in Japan, so I have no idea what to do if I were to write a chapter about it.
add something to it that wasn't there previously. I may or may not be doing that exact thing right now, so if you really want to discuss the topic, you could PM me

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Ascended Flutist » Mon May 28, 2012 4:54 am

Welp, that was great. Liked how it went from 'Fluff and fun' to 'Fluff and drunk'. That was unexpected. :)

Also, funny thing is, up until two weeks ago, I also had in mind a chapter involving our Favourite Crippled Trio to going to a Certain Nothern Summerhouse, and then I scratched it for...something else. So it's cool that you (and possibly Brogurt) are deciding to do it. I'll have my cake and eat it too, and that's just swell.
And to live in Peace A post Hanako Good End fanfiction. That about sums it up.

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There are many other apocryphas worth reading in the fanfiction section. Do yourself a favor, dig them up and read them. Reading is good.

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon May 28, 2012 7:03 am

Rin should get drunk more often! Funniest part of the chapter.
Hokkaido has quite a few notable tourist attractions, but Lilly's house seems to be in the middle of nowhere, so probably not much to do except nature walks...
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Hoitash » Mon May 28, 2012 9:02 am

Great chapter, tons of fun to read :)
"Who are you, that do not know your history?" -Ulysses
Misha Time: United States of Misha Meet the Hakamichis
Awesome, served on the rocks: Hisao and Kenji- Master Detectives! (Check out the Archive for more!)
I wrote a book! Brythain edited it! If you like mystery and history please consider: A Sister's Habit
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Tokoz » Fri Jun 01, 2012 12:51 pm

I have had conversations like THAT. ( Still cracking up about THAT.)

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