The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

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tony246
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The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:39 am

...Well, I never thought to see the day that I wrote fan fiction, but here it is. Let's see how it goes.

Alright, this is a Hanako pathed fan fiction. No angst or any cheap melodrama like that. This is 85% pure good feely stuff 10% funny and 6% whatever. You want some moving tears, go to the other Hanako fics. Want good feely stuff? See that yogurt guy, he's pretty decent. Right here you are going to get: competitive Shizune, loud yet helpful Misha, classy Lilly, running tackling Emi, unfortunately little Rin since I can't write her at all and I do not want to mess a good thing, bro girl Miki, bro conspiracy guy Kenji, big sis Yuuko, maybe Iwanako if I feel like it, newspapery girls, and stuff.

Index

Chapter 1: The First Steps
Chapter 2: ...What Now?
Chapter 3: Detour to the Roof
Chapter 4: We want You for the Student Council
Chapter 5: The Chapter where Hisao Dreams of a Light Music Club
Chapter 6: New Routine
Chapter 7: Date
Chapter 8: Lilly's Back

Let's do this (Note, I am not good at title names, so deal with it. Also note that I can never write a good wake up scene, so deal with it. Also also note, I wrote this chapter once already but the computer lost it, so now I need to rush it. So sorry for any increase in errors and even lower quality.):

***



Chapter 1: The First Steps


An alarm rings in my ear, loud, annoying, and chirpy, like all alarms are. I struggle out of bed, fighting the urge to slip back behind the warm and friendly covers of my bed. Simultaneously, my hand reaches out and tries to shut off the alarm. A few badly aimed slaps and gropes later, the alarm finally shuts off. I shuffle towards the door and out the hall.

A few steps later and I arrive at the bathroom. Passing by the sinks, I head straight for the showers. With a flick of my wrists, a cool stream of water washes over my face. As the water warms up, my mind begins reviewing yesterday’s events. Wake. Breakfast. Awkward. Class. Awkward. Park. Call. Hanako. Talk. Crying. Crying. Confession. Mutual. Walk. Kiss. Yes. Yes. Yes. Tea. Possibly a biscuit too.

As the memories wash over my brain, I begin the classic ritual passed down by every man, done only in times of celebration. I dance goofily in the shower, jumping around like a kid on Christmas. A really stupid idea to do so on wet tiled floor, but logic shouldn’t come into happy occasions such as these. I’m going out with a woman I love and nothing is going to ruin this day for me.

I dance and slide and shuffle right out of that shower stall, and nearly crash into a naked Kenji.

…Well, at least I didn’t have a heart attack.

No, no, no, Hell no. Not today. I refuse to let this happen today. Kenji and his conspiracy rants can have any other day. But not today.

“Kenji! You’ve broken into my room, right?” I question.

I see his face contort into a glare of accusation, ready for a lengthy rant on how I set up hidden cameras or something like that, but I interrupt. As I said, not today.

“So you’ve probably seen the row of pill bottles and looked and know that I have a heart condition.”

He tries to launch a counterattack, but I stop him. Not. To. Frikken. Day.

“Therefore, you know it’s a really bad idea to surprise a guy with a heart condition, like appearing naked in the bathroom just when he’s done with a shower, right?”

I would let him say yes…but I don’t trust him to only say yes.

“So, you should be getting out of this bathroom, right now.”

Before he could raise an objection, I swing my arm and point dramatically at the door, sternly glaring at his face…or at least his glasses. Thankfully, he isn’t blind enough to miss it. After he’s gone, I quickly finish up my bathroom rituals before he gets any ideas to intrude.

Walking out, I confront Kenji, still naked for some reason.

“So, what do you need? Money? Food? 9’ screws?” I ask.

“Dude, shower,” He replies before slipping past me.

…That’s unexpectedly logical and within reason. How out of character, but I do—

“Oh, and congrats on getting a girlfriend,” He adds.

…wah?

“I mean, you have a direct contact with the weapons dealer of the mafia section of the feminist army, now we have a way in,” He says before turning on the shower.

Oh, ok, that makes much more sense. Oh God I just said Kenji made sense. I quickly walk away before his madness corrupts me any further.

***

It’s still early in the morning, hallways vacant and cafeteria nearly empty. However, seeing as I have nothing to do at the moment, and I may just probably have a History or an English test looming in the future, I go to class to study. When I round the last corner, I see an unexpected sight.

Hanako.

Evidently, I am not the only one who woke up a tad bit early today. Her head turns slightly, catching me out of the corner of her eye. Surprised, she smiles and blushes a tad bit before facing me again.

“Good morning,” She says.

“Good morning,” I reply.

We stand there silently, neither of us wanting to have that peaceful moment end. However, there’s that whole ‘time waits for no man’ quote and unfortunately it’s true. So I make a compromise.

“Shall we?” I say, hand lifted towards her.

“Yes,” She agrees, slipping her hand in mine.

We face the door and cross over the threshold, ready for anything.

…Turns out it’s a stupid idea to go through a narrow classroom doorway like that. Proof: tangled limbs and textbooks scattered everywhere.


***

Next Chapter

So, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. If not, then I clearly am not suited for story telling. Oh well.

(02/15/12) Edit: I improved some tense issues and dialogue and text. I think. Maybe. Honestly, I'm the worst person at tense usage and corrections since I usually operate on auto and expect things to work out the first time.

(02/17/12) Edit: More improvement and scene changes.
Last edited by tony246 on Sun May 27, 2012 11:56 pm, edited 11 times in total.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

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Robnonymous
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Robnonymous » Wed Feb 15, 2012 3:26 am

"He moves his mouth ever so slightly. But I interrupt. Not. To. Friken. Day."

That line made me :D
Bad Dreams (Hanako) - My first KS fanfic. it's actually a happy story
Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story) - My second KS fanfic. Not all that happy.

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Feb 15, 2012 6:26 am

Very promising start, especially if this really is your first fanfic.

One thing: You decided to write the story in past tense, which is fine, but you slipped in about half a dozen present tenses.

Personally, I find it easier to write a first person narrator story in present tense. Two reasons:
1.) With first person narrative you get an awful amount of inner monologue and to me that simply sounds strange in past tense.
2.) If the story is past you end up having to use past perfect a lot, which can make some sentences seem unnecessarily complicated.
That's just my personal preference, though, so feel free to do whatever suits you best.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by jai_zero » Wed Feb 15, 2012 9:51 am

…Turns out that was a really stupid idea as we ended up falling into a mass of limbs and textbooks.


I LOL'd at this! :D

Will be waiting for more!

tony246
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:40 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Very promising start, especially if this really is your first fanfic.

One thing: You decided to write the story in past tense, which is fine, but you slipped in about half a dozen present tenses.

Personally, I find it easier to write a first person narrator story in present tense. Two reasons:
1.) With first person narrative you get an awful amount of inner monologue and to me that simply sounds strange in past tense.
2.) If the story is past you end up having to use past perfect a lot, which can make some sentences seem unnecessarily complicated.
That's just my personal preference, though, so feel free to do whatever suits you best.
Yeah, sorry about that, I've always been rather bad at identifying and using proper tenses. Know of any online guide or anything that can help?
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Otakumon » Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:22 pm

I chose not to comment on the story, so deal with it. 8)

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:58 pm

tony246 wrote:Yeah, sorry about that, I've always been rather bad at identifying and using proper tenses. Know of any online guide or anything that can help?
There's not really any way but to practice. I learned English by reading tons of novels, but writing should be even better.
If you like I can proofread your stories and point out the wrong tenses. I find that if a mistake is pointed out to me a few times I avoid it from then on ;-)
If you want to take me up on the offer send me a PM with your email-adress. (It's easier to mark mistakes in word than it is in forum code.)
Also, if you have difficulties with tenses, I think that is one more reason to use present tense, since it is easier.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Brogurt » Wed Feb 15, 2012 6:32 pm

tony246 wrote:Want good feely stuff? See that yogurt guy
You don't know what you're getting yourself into.

­
­

And also, the tenses are a big issue, and I may scold you a quite a bit until you stick to one. Sentences like
I walk out of the bathroom and almost ran into a naked Kenji.
seriously hurt the presentation of any story. Either tense is acceptable in prose like this as long as you pick one and stick to it.

Also, I found myself surprised that someone like Kenji would so suddenly be aware of Hisao's relationship. The nigga don't even got a phone. And I don't think that either of our two lovers would announce their relationship to the whole world just a day after getting together. I wonder: What kind of sources does he have?

tony246
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:49 pm

Brogurt wrote: You don't know what you're getting yourself into.
Now I'm curious. And probably need to read whatever you have other than the first one.

And to address the whole tense thing...yeah, I am not good at first person type tense usage. Usually I tend to stick to third person and it makes tense situations work out loads better for me for some reason, but every time I hit dialogue my past/present tense proper goes straight out of the window. And this piece of work got really hit hard since it was in first person, written late at night, and one version somehow vanished so I rushed the next version out of frustration.

The chapter is edited now so maybe another looksee for correction's sake.
Brogurt wrote:
Also, I found myself surprised that someone like Kenji would so suddenly be aware of Hisao's relationship. The nigga don't even got a phone. And I don't think that either of our two lovers would announce their relationship to the whole world just a day after getting together. I wonder: What kind of sources does he have?
Well firstly, you know what happened at the end, public kissing seen by at least three people from school. And I get the feeling that the school has this giant secret gossip network managed by Shizune. Also, Kenji finding out? Man if it comes to his bros, he knows. Especially if his bro is the only bro he knows.

Oh, he was also totally sneaking around in a cardboard box in the background, trying to get some supplies.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by Brogurt » Thu Feb 16, 2012 12:17 am

tony246 wrote: Now I'm curious. And probably need to read whatever you have other than the first one.
What I speak of is not yet posted anywhere.

And I am seeing some improvements to tense, but there's still some small errors cropping up. And to be honest, I think that first person works better with present than past, and third person works better with past than present. But perhaps you can convince me otherwise.

tony246
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Fri Feb 17, 2012 11:00 pm

Chapter updated. Will get next chapter in by Sunday at latest. Probably. Well, the first one is all nice and shiny now at least.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

tony246
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by tony246 » Sat Feb 18, 2012 9:37 pm

Good news everyone. It's early

Previous Chapter


***

Chapter 2:…What Now?

The morning…what’s the word? Doldrums? Stagnation? Weariness? Well, whatever it is, the morning had it, evident by the almost zombie like shuffling of the class. It seems like I was the only person who was in a cheer—

“HELLO~!”

Hm, I take that back. Misha just launched herself into the room, almost sparkling with happiness and joy. As usual, the class was not amused.

Ignorant of their angry stares, Misha did a hop, skip, and jump over to my desk with Shizune following behind her. No, seriously, she literally hopped, skipped, and jumped in that order. Grinning from ear to ear, they quickly exchanged a series of complicated signs before addressing me.

“Congrats Hicchan~!” Misha bellows into my ear.

“Misha, volume,” I mutter. “And what do you mean by ‘congrats.’ What did I do?”

“Eh? Don’t you have a girlfriend now?”

…You know, I actually have to thank her for the embarrassing outburst. Previously, I would have worried about how to properly conduct myself in class with my newfound relationship. Now I just know to be extremely embarrassed and angry.

“Misha, will you be quiet? And how did you find out anyways?”

“Well…” She says, taking in a deep breath. “Molly saw you guys and she told Takashi who told Lulu who told Taro who told Rika who told Taki who told Saki who told Nodoka who told Nana who told Felicia who told Haru who told Ritsu who told Aiko who told Light who told Yotsuba who told Sally who told Sella who told Taiga who told Sakura who told Billy who told Ichigo who told Himegami who told Kuro who told RosawhotoldMiowhotoldIkunowhotoldAsunawhotoldMotokowhotoldMisakiwhotoldYucchanwhotoldNatsumewhotoldNaomiwhotoldShicchanwhotoldmewhoistellingyou.”

“A—”

“BUT~! Shicchan knows already because she saw Hanako walking to her dorm the other day and, from her manner of carrying herself and her facial structure, deduced that she had a good time and the only way she could have had a good time was with you.”

“I—”

“AND~! We have word in the boy’s dorm that you were also in a good mood yesterday so that means you two were both feeling good so that means that something happened between the two of you that caused that good feeling which meant that you two had finally stepped into a relationship.”

“…”

“Well? Aren’t you astounded by our unbelievably impressive deductive ability?” Misha asks.

“I would, but I fear being inte—”

“GOOD JOB!” Someone shouts, slapping my back, thankfully not too hard.

I turn around and see a bouncing Miki, who also emerged unscathed by the morning blues. In fact, she also has an uncomfortably bright smile on her face.

“How come everyone knows that?” I question.

“Well you see,” Miki starts to explain. “Molly saw you two and she told Takash—”

“No no no, not that again,” I interrupt, I would rather die than go through that again. “Just…can you two keep it down?”

“Eh? What are you talking about?” The two say simultaneously.

Curse their bright and cheery ignorance.

Luckily, Mutou walks in and everyone scurries back to their own seats for class.

***

As the day goes on, I feel as though there's something…wrong. Well, maybe ‘wrong’ is too serious of a word. I mean, technically everything’s pretty good. I’m going out with Hanako. We’ve resolved to understand each other a bit more. I am looking forward to the future. Nothing should be wrong. I think, but still, there’s that feeling.

“What’s wrong Hicchan~?” Misha asks, snapping me out of my daze.

“Nothing’s wrong…I think,” I reply.

Misha and Shizune turn towards each other, once again going through a furious signing battle. Eventually, Misha turns back to me, face looking determined. Well, trying to look determined at the very least.

“Hicchan~! You can’t go through life with such half-baked statements. Either something is wrong or there isn’t anything wrong. There is no think~!”

Hm, Misha’s cheer just ruined any authoritative aura Shizune tried to project.

“Look, Misha, Shizune, nothing is wrong. Really. Just a little, um…bother is all,” I assure her.

“But if something is a little bother than it still should be ‘wrong’ therefore there is something bothering you~!”

“That’s ridiculous. Going by that logic, there would be something wrong every time a person is a little bit hungry then.”

“Ah, so you’re hungry. Me too~! We should get some lunch after this and discuss student council activities.”

“I’m not hungry, that was just an example.”

“Then what’s wrong Hicchan?”

“Not—”

The bell interrupts my retort. Thankfully I think it was better than the repetitive ‘nothing’s wrong’ statement I was making. Anyways, Shizune looks absolutely furious for some reason.

“Ahh! We didn’t finish the task~!” Misha cries. “This is your fault Hicchan~!”

“Eh? What did I do?”

“Because of you,” Misha says, both of them pointing at me accusingly. “We failed to finish the assignment in time. That means you will be subjected to at least 3 hours of student council work after school~!”

“Hey that wa—”

“Ah, what’s this? Failing to take responsibility? How like someone who’s friends with that woman. I expected more from you Hicchan.”

“Bu—”

“No buts~! After school, student council room. You better be there Hicchan or else~!”

The two march out to lunch and leave me behind, satisfied by their unjust and out of the blue victory.

“H-Hisao,” A voice speaks up from behind. “Is everything ok?”

I turn around to see Hanako, looking slightly concerned.

“Yeah, everything is fine. I just…have to speak with the teacher for a moment,” I assure her.

“O-Ok, I’ll be in the room,” She says before leaving as well.

Sighing, I make my way towards Mutou. At the very least, maybe he’ll have an answer to…whatever I’m having. At the moment, he’s just shuffling papers around so he’s not going to be busy either.

“Ah, sir,” I say, attracting his attention.

He looks up, scratches his chin and shuffles his papers before finally addressing me.

“What’s wrong Nakai?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“That’s a bit hard to believe after that…scene in the middle of class.”

“Well, Misha and Shizune make a big deal out of everything.”

“Hm.”

“Anyways, while there isn’t anything wrong per se, there is…um, that is to say…there’s something…something.”

“How informative.”

“It’s that sort of thing where it feels like there’s something there but isn’t there,” I try to explain. “I don’t know what to describe it as but…there’s something.”

“Hm, so you’re worried about the future?”

“No, not worried…more like um…well, it doesn’t feel like it’s a worry. Maybe something more ambiguous than that.”

“I’m starting to see the problem.”

“You are?”

“Yes, it’s a bit of a classic problem facing many teenagers like yourself.”

“And that would be?”

“Well, you know that you need to look and prepare for the future. That much has been shown by your desire to look at colleges and scholarships. However, while you are now aware of it, you are also confused by what to do now. There are a lot of possibilities after all and you don’t exactly know where to go from there. It’s as though you know you need to go somewhere, and there’re many paths, but you don’t know which is the right one. Your brain locks up from the number of possibilities and you end up standing around doing nothing.”

“That seems…a bit strange sir.”

“But appropriate, correct?”

“…It’s not something I can deny, no.”

“Well then, the answer is obvious. Make a list,” He says, laying down a piece of paper and a pen.

“…Excuse me?”

“Make a list. List the things you need and can do, things you should do, and just things. Probably by order of importance and capability and such.”

Make a list…I can’t really believe he of all people would suggest such a thing.

“Nakai, you’re thinking rude thoughts. Stop it.”

“Yes sir,” I obey, taking up the paper and pen before leaving.

***

Next Chapter

Just to clarify, Mutou is not a psychic spy.
Last edited by tony246 on Sun Feb 26, 2012 6:57 pm, edited 4 times in total.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by griffon8 » Sat Feb 18, 2012 11:10 pm

tony246 wrote:Just to clarify, Mutou is not a psychic spy.
Oh, sure. That's what they want you to think.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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SuppleHope
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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by SuppleHope » Tue Feb 21, 2012 12:56 am

I like where this is going. I was rolling during the Kenji scene and laughed quite a bit throughout. Keep up the good work!

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Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)

Post by CarnivalNights » Tue Feb 21, 2012 3:22 am

Can you make some kind of chapter filter like the Reconciliation story? It would help me realize if you've continued the story. I really like it.
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