Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

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gecko
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by gecko » Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:44 am

Nice introduction of the new Akira. I was as surprised as your narrator.

I'm wondering where you're going to go now that Sho has basically single-handedly solved the main plot conflict? (agree with Akira, I like this guy, but sensible guys like that often make it so difficult to maintain a plot conflict hinging on misunderstandings)

Don't sweat the delays. With my weekly schedule on my own fic, I'll be the last to complain if you slow down, as long as you don't leave us hanging before the end!
99% completion.
Mind-worm meter: Rin>>Emi>Lily>Hanako>>Shizune
Fanfic: The lamb and the fox

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:48 am

...and I think I like your latest chapter.

I'd really like to hear "the sound of Julia finally realizing what [Hanako]’d actually handed her."
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
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txalolrn9
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by txalolrn9 » Sun Feb 12, 2012 10:51 am

I really enjoy your work, this chapter is especially your strongest by far in flow in regards to dialogue.

Now that's out of the way

MFW: "Reconciliation - Hanako bad-end continuation" = :D ohboyohboy Hisao and Hanako make up after all :D :D true love finds a way :D :D :D

MFW: Hisao Dead ... uh ....

So I guess Sho is who she will end up with huh? NOOOOOO HISAO + HANAKO FOREVER


okay that's out of the way, your work is among the strongest I've been reading

most fan fics are just ... I don't know ... either bring nothing to the canon story ... or silly ... keep up the excellent work, my friend
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CNB
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Re: Arrival

Post by CNB » Sun Feb 12, 2012 2:29 pm

Robnonymous wrote:“Okay, so you both fucked up.”

I slow down and turn to face Sho. He seems… sad.

“Look,” he continues...
I had to reread this twice before I realized that "he continues" wasn't an editing error, and that "you both fucked up" was Sho's line rather than Akira's. I think it needs a direct attribution, both because he's cutting into the conversation and because it sounds very much like a line Akira would say.

I'm curious about Mr. Yamane's relationship to Hanako. I've been assuming he's her agent, but I'm no longer entirely sure.

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txalolrn9
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Re: Arrival

Post by txalolrn9 » Sun Feb 12, 2012 3:30 pm

CNB wrote:[
I'm curious about Mr. Yamane's relationship to Hanako. I've been assuming he's her agent, but I'm no longer entirely sure.

When Hisao died, his ghost possesses Sho's body

eh, but seriously, he's her agent, but it's obvious he loves her
It only hurts when I breathe

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CNB
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by CNB » Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:47 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:I'd really like to hear "the sound of Julia finally realizing what [Hanako]’d actually handed her."
"Oh man, this is so cool, she gave me one of her manuscripts! If only I could read Japanese!"
txalolrn wrote:eh, but seriously, he's her agent, but it's obvious he loves her
It's not that I don't understand the obvious emotional-relationship subtext between them, I'm just curious about their backstory, given the very casual way they speak to each other and the fact Hanako doesn't introduce him as her agent.

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Robnonymous
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by Robnonymous » Sun Feb 12, 2012 7:17 pm

Wow, lots of questions. Cool! :D

I imagine the noise Julia made was something between a "SQUEE" and a yelp. Sho is actually Hanako's publicist. And the reason she doesn't introduce him as such is because, at this point, she feels like it would trivialize the friendship she just recently realized they have. I DID have something in there where he mentioned he was her publicist but it read kind of awkwardly to me so I decided to leave it up in the air.

With regards to Sho's little outburst, I sort of wanted it to be less obvious that it was him. The idea I was going for was that it was so unexpected, especially for Hanako, that she herself wasn't entirely sure who said it at first. As for him basically solving all her problems with his statement, this is Hanako we're talking about. It probably won't sink in right away. Plenty of time for more misunderstandings, although I'm not really focusing on that kind of stuff in this particular story.

I'm also really looking forward to writing out her finally seeing Lilly again (next update!). I just hope I can do it justice. :wink:
Bad Dreams (Hanako) - My first KS fanfic. it's actually a happy story
Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story) - My second KS fanfic. Not all that happy.

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CNB
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by CNB » Sun Feb 12, 2012 10:25 pm

Well, I'm enjoying it so far. I like the concept, it's less straightforward than I at first assumed it would be, and it looks like it's going to deal with a relationship (Lilly/Hanako) that interested me despite being largely consigned to background in the actual VN.

The main thing I would like to see is some development for Sho. I don't have any problem with his apparent positioning as an unacknowledged romantic interest (though if something does happen on that front, I'd prefer it be relatively low-key); he just seems like kind of a Generic Nice Guy. On the one hand, I'd rather not see outright flashbacks or exposition; on the other, I hope you'll be able to drop some clues about his and Hanako's history, and why he likes her in a seemingly-more-than-professional way. It's always a trick to insert original characters into fanfiction without them hogging the spotlight or coming off as nonentities.

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Robnonymous
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by Robnonymous » Sun Feb 12, 2012 10:47 pm

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how to expand Sho a bit. The problem I have is that the entire thing is told from Hanako's perspective. Trying to figure out how to build his character, while still keeping the story focused on Hanako, Lilly and their mutual loss, has been incredibly tricky. :?

Glad to hear you're enjoying it, though. :)
Bad Dreams (Hanako) - My first KS fanfic. it's actually a happy story
Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story) - My second KS fanfic. Not all that happy.

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CNB
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by CNB » Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:31 am

Robnonymous wrote:Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how to expand Sho a bit. The problem I have is that the entire thing is told from Hanako's perspective. Trying to figure out how to build his character, while still keeping the story focused on Hanako, Lilly and their mutual loss, has been incredibly tricky. :?
My best advice is to resist the temptation to have him explain himself to another character (or have Hanako do it for him). It's natural for the characters we know to be curious about him (in Akira's case, I think it'd be surprising if she didn't flat-out ask Hanako about the nature of their relationship at some point), but it's best to not think of that as an opportunity to present information directly to the reader. Rather, take it as an opportunity to demonstrate his character through the way he interacts with others, and how his friend talks and thinks about him. A few particulars of his profession and general life situation wouldn't hurt, and are to be expected if he's meeting strangers, but that stuff is just there to provide context for the implied details that constitute his actual personality -- things that would probably seem phony if they were explicitly stated.

For example, the fact that he has a professional relationship with Hanako casts his interactions with her in a different light than if he were introduced as simply a friend. It presents a plausible explanation for how he's become close to a character who, while definitely more functional than she was in high school, still comes off as a pretty strong introvert who's unlikely to have many casual acquaintances; it also makes his obvious affection for her seem more significant, since it's expressed in a level of familiarity one wouldn't normally expect from business associates. There's tension between how they "should" be interacting, and how they actually do; and that suggests certain things (both positive and negative) about how both of them are put together emotionally, how their relationship is structured, and ways in which it might evolve.

This is of course filtered through the way I personally approach fictional characters, so it may not be highly applicable to your process.

Zoram
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by Zoram » Mon Feb 13, 2012 4:52 am

The characterization of Hanako is interesting. Part of her is practically stuck in the past, while another part has gone a long way over it. Particularly significant is her current hairstyle: she doesn't hide her scars anymore, the fact she has fans of her books who probably can recognize her easily because of the scarring, means it may have become even a mark of pride for her. Maybe she held Hisao in her heart because, even in that bad way, he prompted her to come out of her shell? And now, it's time for closure...

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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by Guest » Mon Feb 13, 2012 5:44 pm

Wonder how Hanako will react if Lilly steals Sho from her as well.
That will be a fun breakdown.

Just out of curiosity, what was Hisao's job when he was alive?

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Brogurt
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by Brogurt » Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:14 pm

Guest wrote: Just out of curiosity, what was Hisao's job when he was alive?
Love Guru

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CNB
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by CNB » Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:25 pm

Guest wrote:Just out of curiosity, what was Hisao's job when he was alive?
Firefighter. He perished while attempting to rescue children from a burning orphanage.

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Specter Von Baren
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Re: Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story)

Post by Specter Von Baren » Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:29 pm

CNB wrote:
Guest wrote:Just out of curiosity, what was Hisao's job when he was alive?
Firefighter. He perished while attempting to rescue children from a burning orphanage.
Hhm......... I see what you did there.

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