-

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
Demonhornz
Posts: 68
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:35 pm

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by Demonhornz » Sun Feb 12, 2012 10:57 pm

Jesus. What happens next? ...Man, poor guys.

User avatar
Doomish
Posts: 322
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 2:13 am

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by Doomish » Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:56 am

Forget it.
Last edited by Doomish on Sat Aug 10, 2013 8:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Demonhornz
Posts: 68
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:35 pm

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by Demonhornz » Mon Feb 13, 2012 3:13 am

Geez, you sure know how to hook readers. Awaiting the next chapter...and still unsure who the voice is. Ahaha.

User avatar
MoonShadow
Posts: 79
Joined: Wed Jan 11, 2012 8:28 pm
Location: In my pants, most of the time.

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by MoonShadow » Mon Feb 13, 2012 3:18 am

It might be a short chapter, but it's still an important one; after all, a 4th girl died. Can't wait to read what's next.
"If there can be no victory, then I will fight forever."
-Koth of the Hammer

"If you're not having fun, what's the point of living forever?"
-An unknown vampire

You can spot a werewolf-infested town by its lack of butcher shops.

Don't underestimate the aerodynamic qualities of the common goblin.

lblf
Posts: 31
Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2012 10:06 pm
Location: Canada

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by lblf » Mon Feb 13, 2012 3:30 am

I'm horrible at figuring things out as well, but isn't the voice Kenji? All signs point to that if you ask me.

Kenji not being with them from the beginning, despite all of them going on the bus to the facility together.

The voice saying "I HATE YOU AND I HATE THE WOMEN WITH YOU"

The flashback just as Hisao enters Kenji's room.

The fact that the thing is in Kenji's room?

I'm sure there are more hints, I might be mistaken as well but that's how it seems to me. Also am I wrong in thinking that the voice ignored Rin because Kenji never realised that Rin was a girl?

User avatar
Doomish
Posts: 322
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 2:13 am

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by Doomish » Mon Feb 13, 2012 5:04 am

Image

Perhaps those Shaman's Eyes saw more than we will ever know.

User avatar
myshoesarebrown
Posts: 76
Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:49 pm
Location: Oklahoma

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by myshoesarebrown » Mon Feb 13, 2012 12:28 pm

He did say the future refused to change. Maybe he's trying to change it?

Though personally, I preferred the way it was at the start. That's just how I am with anything creepy or mysterious. When it starts to get explained, I start to like it less. Especially when it's explained as science experiments, or government work. I watch barely any TV and movies, but when it's anything to do with horror, and it gets wrapped up or explained logically in the end, it just leaves me with a bad taste. It's difficult to explain: I just prefer it when things are never confirmed, and have multiple possibilities to consider. It's been a while since I played, but I think like Silent Hill 1(The only silent hill I played).

Basically, if there are two stories:
1-Zombies are overtaking the village. We find out it was a government experiment that went haywire.
2-A ghost is haunting a village. We find some remnants of its life, and how it died, but nothing else.
I'd prefer 2.

Of course, I may be speaking too soon, and I think I'm the only one who thinks that way.
My shoes aren't actually brown. Well, one pair is, but I mostly wear grey ones.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6059
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Feb 13, 2012 12:43 pm

I prefer stories to have a logical explanation. It need not be scientific, but it should be consistent with the setting. (So in a fantasy setting you can get away with "a wizard did it.")
Maybe that's why I'm not the biggest fan of horror stories, because most of them seem to sacrifice logic on the altar of shock-value.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
MoonShadow
Posts: 79
Joined: Wed Jan 11, 2012 8:28 pm
Location: In my pants, most of the time.

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by MoonShadow » Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:44 pm

I like when it has an explanation, but I prefer when it is something that is not real but that could happen. I think it's scarrier this way. Resident Evil, for exemple; everything in this setting exist except the Virus and the Parasites. It would only take a mad scientist to create one or the other and everything in this game could happen. Dead Space, Left 4 Dead, 28 days later, etc. all fall in this category.

I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream is good becuase there could be a computer who develop self-consciousness and decide to hate humans... But it's also kind of impossible because I don't think even the best computer could make humans immortal.
"If there can be no victory, then I will fight forever."
-Koth of the Hammer

"If you're not having fun, what's the point of living forever?"
-An unknown vampire

You can spot a werewolf-infested town by its lack of butcher shops.

Don't underestimate the aerodynamic qualities of the common goblin.

Doomish (In a public setting)

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by Doomish (In a public setting) » Mon Feb 13, 2012 3:14 pm

myshoesarebrown wrote: Though personally, I preferred the way it was at the start. That's just how I am with anything creepy or mysterious. When it starts to get explained, I start to like it less. Especially when it's explained as science experiments, or government work. I watch barely any TV and movies, but when it's anything to do with horror, and it gets wrapped up or explained logically in the end, it just leaves me with a bad taste. It's difficult to explain: I just prefer it when things are never confirmed, and have multiple possibilities to consider. It's been a while since I played, but I think like Silent Hill 1(The only silent hill I played).
I understand what you mean, and don't worry, I'm handling the way the story wraps up very carefully. You'll see, I promise you'll enjoy it.

User avatar
Doomish
Posts: 322
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 2:13 am

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by Doomish » Mon Feb 13, 2012 8:26 pm

Forget it.
Last edited by Doomish on Sat Aug 10, 2013 8:17 am, edited 2 times in total.

Lothbrok
Posts: 42
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2012 2:06 am

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by Lothbrok » Mon Feb 13, 2012 8:59 pm

If this is act one and assuming that there is gonna be multiple acts I think I might print this out and cut it into a book with maybe a hard cover to read in bed cause this is a AMAZING story.

User avatar
misterprinny
Posts: 109
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2012 6:55 pm

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by misterprinny » Mon Feb 13, 2012 9:10 pm

What a great ending to Act I. Bravo, my good sir. I enjoy your writing very much, I look forward to Act II.
Head Editor at Stewart-Class 7 Studios, an OELVN studio similar to 4LS. Please check out our blog and website and our forums.

User avatar
myshoesarebrown
Posts: 76
Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:49 pm
Location: Oklahoma

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by myshoesarebrown » Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:29 pm

:::I ask that you don't hate me for all my negativity I'm about to write.:::

I sure hope that's not the ending. Honestly, I disliked it greatly -- wouldn't say hate, but whatever. I liked everything in the story up to chapter 6 and 7. I guess all the "problems" are just personal qualms I have.

For one, I hate large time lapses like that at the end(though I think most people don't mind). The Iwanako letter just felt out of place. Had Iwanako or the letter had a major role in the story in the first place, it would have fit perfectly. Hisao running after Emi felt like a better place to end it -- to me, at least. I'll be saying "to me" and "I feel" a lot, because I think I'm the only one who actually dislikes these things.

It fell right into the trope I hate of "the government did it". I find that to be just as annoying as "a wizard did it". The doctor helping them because "they were his friends" was too forced, feeling like a plot device. The two weeks they were in the hospital were basically skipped over, so I couldn't really buy that he would like them that much.

And really, if this evil organization was going through such great lengths to have their secret kept under wraps, I can't believe they'd ever let Hisao, Rin, and Hanako go. They would either kill them or keep them locked up. At the very least, when asked about their memories, give them a lie detector test. For an organization with enough money to do such research, and pay off the survivors, the fact that they'd just let the three go like that is too flimsy.

On the bright side, the ghosts haunting Hisao was a nice touch.

I hope that the next Act will fix these problems. I'm wondering if the three are still "invincible". Even if their stay at the facility was only some months rather than hundreds of years, they were able to sustain a lot. Did the experiments leave them with some kind of superhuman endurance? Or was it just in the facility? Who knows? Maybe all these years up on the surface are a hallucination, and soon Hisao will wake up in the facility, the voice back. He just got to see nearly a decade of "happiness", compared to what he was going through, and then it's all taken from him.

Maybe Hisao's heart is a vessel for a new voice. Speculations.
My shoes aren't actually brown. Well, one pair is, but I mostly wear grey ones.

User avatar
MoonShadow
Posts: 79
Joined: Wed Jan 11, 2012 8:28 pm
Location: In my pants, most of the time.

Re: With Apologies To Harlan Ellison [Spoilers, Gore Discret

Post by MoonShadow » Mon Feb 13, 2012 11:36 pm

I agree with myshoesarebrown. I didn't like the end. Won't prevent me from reading Act II tho.

I also dislike large time lapses, and even more when we don't know what happened during that time. How did Hisao and the girls went through their high school, and through their life in general? There are also small lapses that make these two chapters really different from the others. From the beggining, the story was really fluid, with well-placed flashbacks. I never had the impression I missed something. But for this part, the timeline has big holes in it: how did they got out of the complex? Rin breaking her arms to keep the door opened was a good idea, so this part could have been writen. Their walk to the town, to the hospital? Could have still been writen, with the caracthers thoughs and appreciation of the outside world. Then they go uncounscious, they wake up; we have this part. Then again, a hole of two weeks, but this was okay since there wasn't much happening. And then, a big hole of... what, 8-9 years? There is a lot missing there. I'll ask again, how did Hisao and the girls went through their high school, and through their life in general?

The letter to Iwanako felt random to me, something to fill space. Also, just like myshoesarebrown said, the government let them go, just like this? Seems even more impossible than immortals humans tortured for 109 years straight. For the doctor, saving them because of friendship felt strange if we don't know how that friendship developped. He is a doctor, so something as simple as "My job is to save lives, so I won't let the government kill you." or "I worked hard this past month to patch you up, they won't destroy what I did." would have worked.

As for the ghosts... If you came up with this idea by yourself, thumbs up, great job, you are the best. But... It looked a lot like one of the endings of Saya no Uta. I don't accuse you of copying, like I said if it really was your own doing, you are awesome. It's just that the ressemblance is shocking.

Speculation: the government saying it was a failed test on blindness and the transformation of Lilly makes me think the voice was Kenji. I was already pretty sure of that before, but that's more proofs.
"If there can be no victory, then I will fight forever."
-Koth of the Hammer

"If you're not having fun, what's the point of living forever?"
-An unknown vampire

You can spot a werewolf-infested town by its lack of butcher shops.

Don't underestimate the aerodynamic qualities of the common goblin.

Post Reply