Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some Porn]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Post Reply
bradpara
Posts: 311
Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2011 6:07 am

Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by bradpara » Tue Feb 07, 2012 12:55 am

Another great chapter. This is in my head cannon by God it is. (Damnit Hisao, put a ring on her finger.)
Shizune=Hanako>Lilly>Emi=Rin
Family Game Night A Shizune After Story Fic
Image
Image

User avatar
alien.marksman
Posts: 126
Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2012 4:34 am
Location: Shizune Fan Club, Australia

Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by alien.marksman » Tue Feb 07, 2012 1:08 am

Awesome work..
Please do continue.
Image
For Queen and Country

Zoram
Posts: 141
Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2012 7:23 pm

Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Zoram » Tue Feb 07, 2012 6:03 am

The paragraph about what the other girls and some other classmates are doing now was nice. Is your idea for a future story to write about them, or do you intend to keep the focus on Hisao and Shizune?

Demoneq
Posts: 56
Joined: Wed Jan 11, 2012 6:06 am

Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Demoneq » Tue Feb 07, 2012 7:41 am

themocaw wrote: It's the end No it's not.
I sort of expected it to end after the party they went to. (it just seemed like it could end there "naturally", so to say)

It's a good read though, keep it coming. ;)

User avatar
Ax Maverick
Posts: 24
Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:03 am
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina

Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Ax Maverick » Tue Feb 07, 2012 1:50 pm

I loved the paragraph where you menctioned what the other students were doing n.n Keep up this great story.
Lilly
"Stop telling me not to worry about you! Just this once... Let me cry..."

---------------------

Hisao
"I fell in love with you, and I refuse to let that be thrown away, just because you're afraid to lose me."

Emi
"Why are you doing this? Why can't you just leave me alone?"

User avatar
VenomSymbiote
Posts: 21
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2012 9:35 pm

Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by VenomSymbiote » Tue Feb 07, 2012 7:55 pm

I reread the chapter, and yeah, Misha sounds like Misha now. Nice job. The new chapter was pretty good too. I loved the way you ended it too, with that last line, "Outside, an autumn breeze shakes the leaves from the trees." I don't know why I was impressed with this sentence in particular, but man, it's real poetic, in a way. Anyhow, looking forward to seeing how the story wraps up :)

Bagheera
Posts: 292
Joined: Sun Jan 22, 2012 9:53 pm

Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Bagheera » Tue Feb 07, 2012 8:12 pm

More wonderful stuff. There's nothing earthshaking in this chapter, but I kinda think that's why I like it. As with the rest of the story it's very good at establishing the new status quo.

And, more and more, I like the idea of putting the porn bits in a separate file. They're very well-written, mind, but it's nice to read the story without getting . . . distracted, I guess?

Anyway, good job!
Girls: Emi = Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Shizune = Rin
Routes: Rin = Shizune > Emi > Lilly = Hanako


Hatguy

Re: Reflection

Post by Hatguy » Wed Feb 08, 2012 2:56 am

themocaw wrote:Taro worked at a toy factory, then was a fisherman for a few months, and now works at a brewery doing some sort of desk work.
Goddamnit, I fell out of my chair laughing.

Bagheera
Posts: 292
Joined: Sun Jan 22, 2012 9:53 pm

Re: Reflection

Post by Bagheera » Wed Feb 08, 2012 7:54 am

Hatguy wrote:
themocaw wrote:Taro worked at a toy factory, then was a fisherman for a few months, and now works at a brewery doing some sort of desk work.
Goddamnit, I fell out of my chair laughing.
I think I missed the joke . . .
Girls: Emi = Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Shizune = Rin
Routes: Rin = Shizune > Emi > Lilly = Hanako


timbrepanic
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 1:41 am

Re: Reflection

Post by timbrepanic » Wed Feb 08, 2012 9:52 am

Bagheera wrote:
Hatguy wrote:
themocaw wrote:Taro worked at a toy factory, then was a fisherman for a few months, and now works at a brewery doing some sort of desk work.
Goddamnit, I fell out of my chair laughing.
I think I missed the joke . . .
It's a reference to Family Guy. They were all previous jobs Peter had and the last being his current one.

User avatar
griffon8
Posts: 1117
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:47 pm
Location: Southeast Michigan, USA

Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by griffon8 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 6:53 pm

bradpara wrote:Another great chapter. This is in my head cannon by God it is. (Damnit Hisao, put a ring on her finger.)
You've got a head cannon? That is so cool. How difficult is it to reload? What's the bore size? What's…

Oh, oh, you mean canon. Sorry, that's not as interesting. :twisted:

Damn edit mode. Shut down once in a while.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

Griffon8's Writing

Bagheera
Posts: 292
Joined: Sun Jan 22, 2012 9:53 pm

Re: Reflection

Post by Bagheera » Wed Feb 08, 2012 8:06 pm

timbrepanic wrote:It's a reference to Family Guy. They were all previous jobs Peter had and the last being his current one.
Ah, gotcha. Yeah, that is pretty funny. :)
Girls: Emi = Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Shizune = Rin
Routes: Rin = Shizune > Emi > Lilly = Hanako


themocaw
Posts: 459
Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:20 pm

Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by themocaw » Thu Feb 09, 2012 1:02 am

Added an index.

themocaw
Posts: 459
Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:20 pm

Back at the Train Station Again

Post by themocaw » Thu Feb 09, 2012 4:39 am

[Do you have all your bags?] I ask.

Shizune nods to me, smiling, her hands full both of the duffel bag she brought with her, and the somewhat larger roller-bag she wound up buying to carry all the gifts and other purchases she's bringing back with her. I put on my jacket and take the handle of the roller-bag from her, and we head out.

My parents aren't around: I heard the front door discreetly close while Shizune and I were upstairs making love, and the car pull out of the driveway. When we came downstairs, there was a plate of sandwiches on the table, wrapped in plastic, and a note tucked under it:

"Going to work. It was wonderful to meet you, Shizune. Please visit again soon."

We'd sat together in the living room, eating the sandwiches and sipping tea, watching television and glancing at the clock as it slowly moved towards the appointed hour.

It was just as one of the men on the television set misjudged his jump and failed to grab hold of the big cargo net over the water that Shizune turned to me and touched my face. I turned away from watching the antics of the contestants trying to prove themselves as the next Ninja Warrior, and looked into Shizune's eyes for a long, eternal moment.

[I could take a later train,] Shizune signed, at last. [I can afford to skip a class or two tomorrow.]

I pulled her close to me and kissed her forehead. Shizune nodded back and rested her head on my shoulder. She put her hand in my lap and ran a finger down the palm of my hand, tracing the pattern of veins down the inside of my wrist.

Even if she took that later train, it wouldn't matter, in the end. No amount of time would ever be enough.

-----

The bus ride to the train station passes in silence. Shizune stares out the window the whole time. There is a deep sense of regret and longing in her dark blue eyes, illuminated by the fiery light of the setting sun. I keep one hand in the pocket of my jacket and the other clasped in hers, our fingers interlaced.

We pass by the restaurant, where Shizune had met my friends, and charmed them all.

We pass by the shopping mall, where she'd haggled with the man in the accessories shop, and where we'd met with my friends on the rooftop.

We pass by the park where she and I had walked and talked about our parents.

The bus drives by the river. Across the flowing water, the wind is blowing in the branches of the now bare trees.

I find myself wishing for traffic. Something to slow this bus ride down. Something to make it last even an instant longer. Every instant is precious.

The streets are nearly empty, though, and all too soon, I hear the bus driver announce that we've arrived.

I take the handle of my girlfriend's bag, and we get off the bus together. We walk into the train station and up to the platform side by side, neither of us looking at each other. Neither willing to dare.

The train station is nearly empty: only a few dozen people seated here and there, waiting for the next train to arrive. I lead Shizune to the far end of the platform, to an empty bench. I prop up the roller-bag next to us as Shizune sits down.

I take a deep breath.

[Are you hungry?] I ask.

[A bit,] she admits.

I reach into my jacket pocket and pull out a small package wrapped in plastic. Shizune shakes her head and smiles. [Veal cutlet bread?]

[You never wondered what was under that covered dish that first night?]

[I promised not to look,] Shizune admits. [It was a matter of honor.]

[Want to rock paper scissors for it?] I ask.

Shizune shakes her head. She unwraps the bread and tears it in half. I close my eyes.

I feel her freeze, seeing the thing inside.

When I open my eyes again, I can see that she's staring at the small roll of laminated paper that I had hidden inside the bread a few days ago.

[You have no idea how hard it was for me to get that in there, and the bag closed up again,] I sign, with shaking hands.

She unrolls the paper and reads the words written on it.

She presses her hands to her mouth and closes her eyes. Tears stream down her face.

I take a deep breath. I reach into my pocket and pull out a small velvet box. I open it and show her what's inside.

Shizune tries to sign, but her hands are shaking so badly that she can't make the words. All she can do is nod.

I take her hand in mine and put the ring on her finger. Our hands are shaking so bad that I nearly drop the ring twice before I finally get it on her.

The broken halves of the veal cutlet bread fall to the ground as she leaps out of the bench and throws her arms around my neck. I feel her tears on my neck. She is holding me like a sailor adrift on the seas, clinging to me tightly, so tightly, as if she will never let go.

"I love you, Hisao," she whispers.

Her words are slurred, and she's lisping badly. The vowels don't sound right, and her intonation is completely off.

It's the most beautiful thing i've ever heard.

-----

So in the end, I decided to cancel the third H scene and write the moment I really wanted to write: the reason why I started this story in the first place.

This was going to be the end, but I think I feel one more part coming up.

EDIT: Extended it again to slow down the pacing.
Last edited by themocaw on Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:09 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Synthus
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 8:20 am

Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Synthus » Thu Feb 09, 2012 6:08 am

D'awww. Was wondering about the significance of Hisao picking that.

I can't decide if it's more significant because she said it out loud.

Post Reply