Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some Porn]

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bradpara
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by bradpara » Fri Feb 03, 2012 2:36 am

Agan I liked ths chapter, nice to see Hisao interact with his old freinds along with allowing us to see their side of the events of Hisao's time at the Hospital. Shizune getting along with everyone was cool as well. You really have the charecter down.
Shizune=Hanako>Lilly>Emi=Rin
Family Game Night A Shizune After Story Fic
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Guest » Fri Feb 03, 2012 3:01 am

themocaw wrote:
scott1and wrote:This has came so far since the porn you previously write. Good job :mrgreen:
I think it's a metaphor for KS itself: "Start with wanting to write a fun fapfic about a deaf girl. End with ALL MY FEELS."
I kinda miss the porn elements. :P

Still pretty good story tho.

themocaw
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by themocaw » Fri Feb 03, 2012 3:57 am

Guest wrote:
themocaw wrote:
scott1and wrote:This has came so far since the porn you previously write. Good job :mrgreen:
I think it's a metaphor for KS itself: "Start with wanting to write a fun fapfic about a deaf girl. End with ALL MY FEELS."
I kinda miss the porn elements. :P

Still pretty good story tho.
You're in luck.

http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 859#p79859

Zoram
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Zoram » Fri Feb 03, 2012 6:33 am

If it was for me, I'd edit that sex scene out of the first chapter, reserving it for the XXX side stories :p Really, the premise was bad but the fic got better and better. I really liked the characterization of Hisao's parents - they are people full of flaws, but also of love for their son. The early morning scene was hilarious :lol: Also, it was a nice touch to see how Iwanako suffered the aftermath of Hisao's heart attack. I hope other KS characters will make an appearance but, on the other hand, better avoid if it was without meaning or useless for the story. Keep up the good work!

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gecko
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by gecko » Fri Feb 03, 2012 5:06 pm

Zoram wrote:If it was for me, I'd edit that sex scene out of the first chapter, reserving it for the XXX side stories
I don't agree.
The train station scene was good at establishing the mood.
And, after such a triumph as in the last chapter, I felt that them just going to sleep was OOC - glad to see there was another scene, it's the canon one for me.
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Mind-worm meter: Rin>>Emi>Lily>Hanako>>Shizune
Fanfic: The lamb and the fox

themocaw
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by themocaw » Fri Feb 03, 2012 5:27 pm

gecko wrote:
Zoram wrote:If it was for me, I'd edit that sex scene out of the first chapter, reserving it for the XXX side stories
I don't agree.
The train station scene was good at establishing the mood.
And, after such a triumph as in the last chapter, I felt that them just going to sleep was OOC - glad to see there was another scene, it's the canon one for me.
They're both canon: the ecchi scene I just posted takes place after Shizune beats Hisao's dad playing Go. Them going to bed takes place after a long day that included two shopping trips and a big party with all of Hisao's friends.

Sometimes, sex is the last thing on your mind when you go to bed. :)

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gecko
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by gecko » Fri Feb 03, 2012 5:34 pm

Arg, I misread!

Then, I still stand on my OOC feelings. Hisao and Shizune are teens, they've got the stamina. And Hisao has been seeing his girl winning the party and all dressed-up and sexy, and Shizune must be feeling very pleased with herself...

Oh well, you're the writer, you don't have to conform your characters to what they are in my head! I'll comfort myself by deciding you're right, or by thinking Hisao remained stoic because his house's wall are too thin!

(BTW, I love the little piece of dialog where Hisao thanks Iwanoko, very human)
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Ax Maverick
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Ax Maverick » Sat Feb 04, 2012 10:19 pm

You added Hisao's arc in the hospital... Cool, very cool... Dammit!! ALL MY FEELS ;_;
Lilly
"Stop telling me not to worry about you! Just this once... Let me cry..."

---------------------

Hisao
"I fell in love with you, and I refuse to let that be thrown away, just because you're afraid to lose me."

Emi
"Why are you doing this? Why can't you just leave me alone?"

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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by VenomSymbiote » Mon Feb 06, 2012 3:35 pm

themocaw, I thought I'd give you a quick review, seeing as how I read through the story in one night. I actually like it quite a lot.

The characters seem to be in-character, for the most part. Hisao seems to be a bit more "adventurous" then I'd like, but I can pass that off as Shizune's influence on him. Shizune herself has some really good lines, and is very fun to read. The one thing I had a problem with was with Misha. Her speech is peppered with all sorts of grammar symbols, namely ellipses (...) and this (~). Also, no "~Wahaha?" You can't really write Misha without having her signature phrase in it! I don't necessarily expect you to rewrite that chapter, but if she features again, I would suggest writing your dialog the way Misha talks, the same way you have Shizune talk with her brackets.

Props to the scene where Hisao visits his friends again. It's nice to know that they did care about him, even when he was pushing them away (something that was hinted at in KS). I especially applaud you for the one quick scene where Hisao talks with Iwanako. As short as it was, SERIOUS FEELS going on with that scene.

I do hope the story hasn't ended yet- I'd love some more chapters!

And before I forget- the sex scenes are pretty hot.

bradpara
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by bradpara » Mon Feb 06, 2012 3:47 pm

Indeed, I love Shzune's personalty in all this. It seems natural that her playfulness would translate into her being very adventours sexually, probably the most direct way that she can show Hisao her feelings for him BTW I consider Shizune's H scenes to be the hottests in the game with only Lilly even coming close.
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Reflection

Post by themocaw » Mon Feb 06, 2012 6:12 pm

Have you ever woken up late, with the sun shining through your bedroom window, the birds singing their joy to the new day, and found yourself not sleeping next to a beautiful woman in pajamas whom you did not make love to the night before?

I make no apologies. My life is incredible.

I take my morning batch of pills and come downstairs, scratching my ribs and yawning, looking for a cup of coffee and maybe a glass of juice. I find something better.

A delectable smell hits me as I walk into the kitchen. Shizune is standing at the stove, wearing my mother's apron over her pajamas, cooking up something in a frying pan. Her raven-black hair is pulled up by a small barette, exposing the nape of her neck. Not wanting to startle her while she's holding a hot frying pan, I suppress the urge to embrace her and instead walk over to the other side of the kitchen to watch her work.

She's got a bunch of mixed vegetables and meats in a pan, sauteeing them lightly with a bit of oil: I glance over and see diced tomatoes, red and green bell peppers, onions, and ham. There is a bowl with what appears to be about half a dozen cracked and beaten eggs in it: she turns the heat down very low and pours the eggs into the pan, stirring constantly. The end result is a kind of scrambled egg mixture, to which she adds a bit of salt and pepper until finally satisfied with the taste. This she adds on top of a bowl of rice with a pat of butter and a dash of soy sauce, then smiles and passes it over to me.

[What's this?] I ask.

Shizune frowns and snaps her fingers. Of course, with her hands full like this, she can't talk. I take my bowl of food to the kitchen table, where Shizune already has the utensils laid out. Some kind of daikon soup steams deliciously in the ceramic bowls.

I take a tentative bite of the weird egg-and-rice dish.

Actually, it's pretty good. Kinda like an omurice, but with different ingredients arranged differently.

[You like it?] Shizune asks, sitting down across from me. [It's based on an American dish called a "Denver Omelet," but with a Japanese twist.] She adjusts her glasses, and grins at me. [My own recipe.]

[It's weird, but I like it,] I admit.

[Of course. I made it, didn't I?] She stretches her arms out over her head with a soft sigh.

"Hm. Well, this is interesting," I hear my father say, as he comes down the stairs. "Good morning, Hisao. Shizune."

Shizune gets up from the kitchen table, gesturing to my father to sit down. She makes up another one of those rice and egg bowls for him as well, then steps back away from the table, her hands clasped in front of her tightly. He glances over at me (perhaps checking to make sure I don't keel over foaming at the mouth) before taking his first bite. He raises an eyebrow, then takes a second, larger one, nodding in approval, and takes a sip of the daikon soup.

I see my girlfriend sigh in relief. The smile on her face is the same one she has right after she bears off her last backgammon piece, or takes my final piece off the Risk board.

-----

"Could use a little less salt in the soup, and the eggs were a bit overcooked, but it's not bad," my mother confides in me afterwards. "It's a good start." She passes me one of the soup bowls, and I dry it off with the hand towel and place it in the drying rack. "She'll get better with practice."

The *click* of a go stone hitting the board can be heard from the living room: my father and Shizune playing a rematch of their game two nights ago. A loud, brassy, confident *SNAP* sound marks Shizune placing one of her pieces, followed by another deliberate, careful *click* of my dad taking his move. "They seem to get along," I comment.

"Your father finally found someone outside of his group of middle-aged friends who will play go with him. Of course he likes her." She passes me another bowl. "Are you two using protection?"

"Um," I stammer. "Um. . . Shizune's on the pill."

"That doesn't really help in case of diseases, you know."

"That's not really an issue," I point out, rather offended. "We've only done it with each other."

"I know, dear, but you should still be careful. Sex isn't the only way you can catch certain things." She passes me another soup bowl. I quickly dry off the one I'm holding and pick up the new one. "On the other hand, I'm glad that you've given some thought to this."

"Actually, Shizune was the one who thought of it first," I admit. I still remember the moment after "the chair incident" when, in a panic, I'd realized what we'd forgotten. [Don't worry about it,] Shizune had told me. [I've been taking the pill for over a month.]

[Oh, good,] I'd replied, relaxing. Then: [Wait. You were planning this for over a month?]

[We were going to do this eventually. I wanted to be ready whenever it happened, no matter what the circumstances.] She grinned at me and adjusted her glasses as she quoted Sun Tzu. ["Being prepared is the greatest of all virtues!" I'm always ready!]

"Huh," I say.

"What is it, dear?"

"I just realized. . . I'm really dense." All of the little hints and clues Shizune had tossed my way in the long months between our first and second times finally came back to me. She must have had the worst case of blue balls (or the female equivalent) by the time we'd gone for it in that Student Council Room. And that had only happened because she'd outright demanded I kiss her.

"She's really weird," I admit.

"The most interesting people usually are," my mom agrees. Then, after a brief moment's hesitation: "I'm glad you two found each other. When we sent you to Yamaku, your father and I were most afraid you'd be lonely there. We were hoping you would find friends. I'm so glad that you found so much more."

"Mmmm." I take the last plate from my mother and dry it off with the dish towel, before placing it on the rack. "I have to admit that when I first got there, I wasn't much better than when I was in the hospital. I was completely wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself." I laugh. "Then I met the most annoying deaf girl in the world who kept trying to convince me to join the student council. Shizune really pissed me off back then. Which was an improvement from lying around wallowing in self-pity. Well. . . almost an improvement. You know she nearly killed me that first week?"

"What? You never told me about this!"

"It wasn't really her fault. More me being stupid. She was so competitive that it rubbed off on me a bit. I got into a race. Figured I could outrun a girl with no legs, right?" I laugh. "Well, as it turned out, Emi was the school's track and field star, and I pushed myself too hard and got a flutter. We both got yelled at for that."

My mother laughs at that. "I'm glad you didn't tell me, then. I would have driven down there and dragged you home from that place right then and there."

"I figured that. Maybe that's why I didn't tell you." I idly wonder what Ibarazaki's up to now. Last I'd heard, she'd gone to Beijing to compete in the 2008 Paralympics, but didn't win any medals. Shizune tells me she splits her time between training for the 2012 London games and studying for her physical therapist's license.

Shizune, of course, keeps in touch with all our old friends from our senior year: the eternal Student Council President, she. A few other tidbits I'd heard come to mind: Rin Tezuka, that weird girl with no arms, is at an art school overseas. Last I'd heard, she'd had some sort of fight with Nomiya, the school's art teacher, and they weren't talking to each other. Shizune's cousin Lilly's at Oxford studying English: she's engaged to a nice law student, and due to be married in December. Shizune and I are flying out to attend the wedding. Hanako Ikezawa writes shoujo manga under a pen name. My old friend Kenji, weirdly enough, is a Feminist Studies major at Tokyo University. That foreign kid, Lezard, is studying biochemistry. Suzumiya-san is at film school. Taro worked at a toy factory, then was a fisherman for a few months, and now works at a brewery doing some sort of desk work. Molly's trying to break into acting. Miki's studying liberal arts.

"You know, it's weird," I muse. "When I first found out about my heart condition, I thought my life was over. But when I got to Yamaku, I came to realize it was just beginning. I think, out of everything I learned in high school, that one lesson was the most important."

My mother smiles at me. There is a wistfulness in her eyes. "Then it was all worth it. . . for nothing else other than that." She straightens up. "I'm going to go hang up the laundry to dry. Why don't you get your father and Shizune something to drink?"

"I could help," I say.

"Thank you dear, but I'll be fine. You enjoy your day off." She gives me a pat on the cheek and heads off towards the laundry room. I can hear her humming something: a song from a musical called "Fiddler on the Roof."

Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?
I don't remember growing older. . .
When did they?


Her voice trails off as the laundry room door closes.

-----

My father and girlfriend barely even look up from the board as I leave the tray with the drinks and snacks by their side: both of them have their full attentions devoted to the game which, as far as I can see, is pretty much even. I decide not to bother them and head up to my bedroom to read.

A couple of hours later, Michio Kaku's explanation of higher-dimensional physics gets interrupted by my bedroom door opening. Shizune flounces into my bedroom and gives me a kiss on the cheek. She's got that flushed-faced victorious look she has whenever she enjoys the thrill of a hard-won victory. [Good game?] I ask.

She nods and wriggles into my arms as I pick up my book and resume reading. She takes a moment to look at the title of my book before tucking her head under my chin and curling up against me like a kitten to a mama cat.

Hm.

I reach up with my left hand and gently stroke her hair. Shizune responds by nuzzling against the palm of my hand. I lean down and give her a kiss on the forehead. She tilts her head back and returns the kiss, on my lips.

Aha.

I put down my book and carefully remove her glasses, folding them closed and putting them on the nightstand, then roll over a bit so that I'm half on top of her, returning the kiss once more, slower and with a little more passion. Shizune rises up into my kiss, stroking the back of my neck with one hand, the other playing down my back.

"Hisao!" my mom calls out. "Lunch time!"

I pause, only for a moment. Let them wait, I decide.

Outside, an autumn breeze shakes the leaves from the trees.

-----

This is not the end.

Feedback, as usual, is appreciated.

Re: Misha's speech patterns: Good point. Editing them in at an appropriate point.
Last edited by themocaw on Thu Feb 09, 2012 4:05 am, edited 4 times in total.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Feb 06, 2012 6:26 pm

I didn't mind Misha's speech patterns. She does have a serious side, and it's not bad if she shows that from time to time - especially in a situation like this.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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themocaw
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by themocaw » Mon Feb 06, 2012 6:31 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:I didn't mind Misha's speech patterns. She does have a serious side, and it's not bad if she shows that from time to time - especially in a situation like this.
Basically what I tried to do with Misha's speech patterns in the edited version is use it as an indicator of her mindset: if I did it right, you should be able to tell when she goes from worried about her friends to realizing that they're going to be okay.

There's also another Misha speech pattern error that I didn't even realize I'd done until I went back to edit it. I was going to fix it until I noticed something about it that made me think, "Oh, that is SO COOL," and kept it the way it is.

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Suox
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Suox » Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:50 pm

.
Last edited by Suox on Sun Jan 01, 2017 10:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

themocaw
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by themocaw » Mon Feb 06, 2012 9:08 pm

Suox wrote:Ah, I really hope this isn't the end! Please say it isn't' so! :(
It's the end No it's not.

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