Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some Porn]

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Robnonymous
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Robnonymous » Mon Jan 30, 2012 12:03 pm

Rikora wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:Another good chapter, but I think Hisao overreacts a bit there. He should be used to Shizune not mincing words by this point, and I don't see a real reason for him to snap like that.
Agreed , pity the poor samaritan
I agree to a point, but I also think the sudden bringing up of Iwanako probably threw him off quite a bit. Lots of unexpected and conflicting emotions coming to the surface and all that.
Bad Dreams (Hanako) - My first KS fanfic. it's actually a happy story
Reconciliation - (a Hanako bad-end story) - My second KS fanfic. Not all that happy.

themocaw
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by themocaw » Mon Jan 30, 2012 2:30 pm

I agree with you guys that Hisao's sudden reaction is a bit extreme, but every time I go back and try to fix it, it comes off as unnaturally stilted. In the end, I guess I have to just chalk it up as Hisao having a bad day and getting caught at a bad moment.

EDIT: Fuck it. Killing my darlings. Rewrite of the latest chapter is in progress.

EDIT: And done.
Last edited by themocaw on Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

xaolindragon
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by xaolindragon » Mon Jan 30, 2012 2:56 pm

themocaw wrote:I agree with you guys that Hisao's sudden reaction is a bit extreme, but every time I go back and try to fix it, it comes off as unnaturally stilted. In the end, I guess I have to just chalk it up as Hisao having a bad day and getting caught at a bad moment.
I think I know what you mean. Looking back/reading back to it, I'm not sure how it should/could have turned out better. Perhaps the way it's written now is the best way. Who knows. >_>

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GG Crono
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by GG Crono » Mon Jan 30, 2012 5:05 pm

Robnonymous wrote:
Rikora wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:Another good chapter, but I think Hisao overreacts a bit there. He should be used to Shizune not mincing words by this point, and I don't see a real reason for him to snap like that.
Agreed , pity the poor samaritan
I agree to a point, but I also think the sudden bringing up of Iwanako probably threw him off quite a bit. Lots of unexpected and conflicting emotions coming to the surface and all that.
What this guy said. While it's certainly a bit harsh, nobody could blame the man for being on a bit of an emotional hair-trigger.

But, y'know, whatever writer-man deems he likes best.

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waynoinsano
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by waynoinsano » Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:49 pm

I hope Shizune "talks" Hisao into going to the meeting.That would be good drama.

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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Bagheera » Mon Jan 30, 2012 11:23 pm

Hmmm. I liked the revision better than the original, but I still think this update is weaker than the rest of the story. Here's hoping the rest has more in common with what came before (which was very, very good).
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themocaw
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Counteroffensive

Post by themocaw » Tue Jan 31, 2012 4:23 am

I'm lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling when the phone rings.

The walk home from the mall was one of the most awkward and uncomfortable I've ever had. Shizune and I didn't even look at each other the whole time. When we get back to my home, I immediately headed up to my room and laid down on my bed. Shizune, to my surprise, didn't follow me in. I'd expected it, to be honest. It's not like her to let an argument lie unresolved like that.

It's not like I still love Iwanako. How could I? We'd known each other for only six weeks before she stopped visiting me in the hospital. Before that, I'd only known her as the shy, pretty girl I'd sometimes see in the hallways, the one with the nice smile and the big, beautiful eyes. Compared to that, what Shizune and I have is so much deeper. So much closer.

So why is it that I'm letting the fact that she's dating my old best friend get to me so much?

My thoughts are then interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing. I flip it open and hold it up to my ear. "Hello?"

My ears are immediately blasted by a loud, angry scream that makes my ears ring like a church bell. "HIICHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! YOU JERK!!! YOU MADE SHIICHAN CRY, DIDN'T YOU!!!!"

Oh. My. God. ". . . Misha? What the hell. . . what time is it over there?" I ask.

"Never mind that! Shiichan just sent me, like, nineteen text messages, telling me you two had a fight! She's really upset, you jerk!" Misha screams, like an angry fishwife. "I TOLD YOU TO TAKE CARE OF SHIICHAN! IF YOU'RE CHEATING ON HER OR MAKING HER CRY, I'M GOING TO FLY DOWN THERE AND KICK YOU IN THE BUTT SO HARD YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT RIGHT FOR A MONTH!"

"I'm not cheating on her!" I insist. "I swear! It's. . . it's not even her business, anyway!"

"Of course it's her business, you moron! You're her boyfriend! Your business is her business! Why are you even arguing about this!?" Misha shouts. There is a loud thump, as if she's just kicked something really big and hard.

"Get off my damn case!" I shout back. "It's none of your business either! Would you just leave me alone?"

"No! I'm not going to leave you alone, and shicchan isn't going to leave you alone, and no one is going to leave you alone until you start acting like a man!" A deep breath. "AND IF YOU HANG UP ON ME, I SWEAR I WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU, HISAO NAKAI!"

Those last words interrupt me as I'm about to close my phone shut. I feel the sudden spectre of death descend over me.

"Now," Misha says, sternly. "You are going to tell me exactly what happened today, from the top!"

"Um. What do you know already?" I ask.

"Not much. Shiichan's text messages were. . . weird." Misha's voice trails off for a bit, then suddenly resurges with renewed energy. "She's really upset, though! So! Start talking!"

I sigh and take a deep breath. In a hollow voice, I go over the events of the day. Going to the shopping mall. Buying a present for Hideaki. Meeting my friends in the food court. Hearing the news about Iwanako and Takumi.

The story goes longer than I'd expected it to. By the time it's over, I'm feeling exhausted again. "Anyway. That's when she called me a coward, and I got angry. I think we would have had a fight then, except that I had another panic attack. And that's the story."

There is a long pause.

". . . Hiichan, you coward!" Misha hisses.

". . . yeah. All right. I'm a coward," I admit. "This stupid girl asked me out over a year ago and gave me a heart attack and nearly killed me. Then it turns out that six months later, she and my best friend started dating. And neither of them thought to even tell me about it. So maybe I'd rather not go and spend some time with a bunch of jerks who didn't even take the time to talk to me all those months, and didn't even have the common courtesy to tell me they were going out, okay?"

". . . why didn't you call your friends when you decided to come to town?" Misha asks.

It's like a fencer's foil striking home: a lightning-fast lunge straight into the heart of the matter. Why didn't I call any of my old friends?

An image appears in my mind: I'm lying in that hospital bed, in that room with the unfamiliar white ceiling. My friends are all standing around me. None of them has anything to say. The look of pity in their eyes is infuriating. It makes me want to leap out of the bed and throttle them, to scream at them. Only the thought that doing something like that might kill me stops me from doing so.

Time passes, and the number of friends around my bed grows fewer and fewer. Soon it's only my three closest friends and Iwanako. Eventually, it's only her. And then, in the end. . . no one.

Shin and Mai had that same look in their eyes on that food court roof top. That same mixture of pity and confusion as they stood around not knowing what to say. It was bad enough when Shin was looking at me like that. . . but then he gave that same look to Shizune.

"I'm sick and tired of them thinking I'm some kind of cripple," I growl. "It took me a year to get over that feeling. . . to start looking forward to life again, instead of just living day by day. Seeing them again. . . it took me back to that time when I was lying there in bed, helpless. Not knowing what to do." A deep breath. "I guess. . . I didn't want to remember how weak I was back then. How weak. . . and how pathetic."

These last few words hang between us in the sudden silence. "Hiichan~!" Misha says, sternly but kindly, "Are you ashamed of Shizune?"

"What? No!" I protest. "Shizune's. . . she's the best. She's more than the best. She's perfection. I wouldn't trade her for ten of any other girl in the world."

"Good!" Misha says, decisively. "Then you're going to take her to that party tonight. You're going to introduce her to all your old friends, and you're going to show them that you're dating the best girl in the world. And you're going to introduce her to this Iwanako person, and you're going to show her what a real girlfriend looks like, one who stands by her man and doesn't give up on him for anything. And you're going to show all your old friends that you're not some damn cripple who should be pitied. Hell, you're going to pity them, because you're the one who's dating Shizune Hakamichi, not them!"

I flinch and pull away from the phone as a loud, gleeful "~WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" bursts forth at ear-shattering decibels. I can almost see Misha grinning her old, familiar, triumphant grin: hands on her hips, eyes scrunched up in utter glee. . . but there's also a wistful bitterness to those words.

You're the one who's dating Shizune Hakamichi. . . not me.

"All right," I agree. "I'll do it."

"You'd better! I'm going to get really mad if you don't~!" Misha insists. "And call me some time! I miss hearing from you!"

"Will you accept collect calls?" I ask. "Calling overseas gets expensive."

"Don't be a cheapskate, Hiichan~!" Misha replies. "But you've got a point. I'm hanging up now." A pause. "And remember! If you don't take care of Shizune, I'm going to be MAD!"

"I will," I say, grinning. "Talk to you again soon."

I hang up the phone with a smile. . . then something occurs to me. I take a moment to do some quick mental calculations. New York is fourteen hours behind Japan. . . it must be late night where Misha is. Maybe she'd even gone to bed already. And yet, she dropped everything to yell at me, because Shizune had asked her for help.

At my desk in my apartment near my university, there's a small framed photograph sitting above my bookshelf. On it is a photograph of three high school seniors posing like the Three Musketeers. In it, Shizune is staring straight into the camera, defiant and proud. I'm glancing at the cameraman sideways, feeling a bit embarassed to be posing like a fool.

Misha, however, is looking straight at me and Shizune.

I take a deep breath and get out of bed. I wouldn't want her to have to fly down and kick my ass.

-----

Shizune's sitting on the couch as I come downstairs, sipping a cup of water. She looks up at me, sees the expression on my face, and nods once. [Hi,] she signs harshly.

[Hi,] I sign back.

[Good to see you're out of bed.]

[Yeah,] I reply. Then, after a brief hesitation, [I had a talk with Misha. Thanks.]

[You weren't talking to me. I thought I'd ask someone else, who you would talk to.] Shizune smiles wickedly. [If Misha didn't work, I was going to text Kenji.]

I shudder at the thought. Shizune giggles at that, covering her mouth as her shoulders shake with mirth, which makes me chuckle too, then outright laugh. My girlfriend gets up from the couch and walks over to me, hugging me tightly as she giggles. I close my eyes and just hold her tight for a moment, breathing her in.

She smells crisp and clean: the scent of her body wash, some kind of bright clean smell that always reminds me of the mountains. She breathes deeply, and I realize only then that her body is trembling like a leaf. The tension flows out of her as she just melts in my arms, holding me so tight that I wonder if she's trying to fold herself into me.

I lower my head and press my forehead to hers. Her eyes are closed as she brushes her cheek against mine, burying her face in my shoulder. I am suddenly reminded just how small she really is. Her personality is such that I always seem to forget that. She tends to fill any room she's in with her simple presence, so much so that I always imagine her as being six feet tall.

She pulls away from me with a deep, shuddering sigh and composes herself, her eyes closed. When she opens them again, they are clear and bright. [I'm sorry I got angry with you before,] she signs to me.

I shake my head. [Don't be. You were right. I am a coward.]

[Yes, you are. And I'm a domineering bitch.] Shizune takes a deep breath. [I made Misha talk to you because I was too angry to do it myself. Even now that she's in New York I'm still imposing on her. Some friend I am.]

[Friends impose on each other,] I reply. [So do lovers.] I take a deep breath, steadying myself for what's coming next. [And you might be a domineering bitch, but you're my domineering bitch.]

Shizune smiles weakly. [Yeah,] she agrees. [And you love it.]

[With all my heart.] I agree. [I'm going to call Shin and tell him we're going to be coming to the party tonight.]

Shizune nods. [Will you be okay?]

[I will. Will you?]

[I'll manage.] Shizune takes another deep breath. [Now that that's decided,] she signs, a hint of her old, audacious grin appearing on her beautiful lips. [We're going back out to the shopping mall to buy clothes, and then I'm going to get my hair done.]

[But we were just there!]

[I didn't bring anything nearly good enough for this,] Shizune signs back, her eyes gleaming. [If I'm going to meet all your friends tonight, I'm going to do it looking good. I'm going to look good enough that all your friends are going to wish they were the ones who had heart attacks, not you.] She grins and adjusts her glasses. [And you're going to show up looking like someone who deserves to have me hanging off your arm.]

[. . . how the hell are you going to afford all this, anyway?]

[I'll take it out of my next two month's entertainment budget,] Shizune replies. [It'll be worth it to see the look on your friends' faces.]

I swallow hard. In all my worrying about me and Shizune. . . it hadn't occured to me that the ones I should really be worried about are my friends.

It's going to be an interesting evening.

-----

Author's Note: I tried a few versions of this conversation between Hisao and Shizune, but they always seemed to end up with more and more anger. Tried it out with Misha instead, and it worked out much better.

As usual, feedback is greatly appreciated.

Edit: Rewrote a few scenes to be more IC. I had Shizune too weepy and Misha and Hisao too distant. Also fixed Misha's name (she's not Russian). Further edit: Fixed Misha's speech patterns. Wow, this one's had more edits than any other part so far.
Last edited by themocaw on Mon Feb 13, 2012 9:37 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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Rikora
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Rikora » Tue Jan 31, 2012 5:02 am

Awesome ! New post :lol:

Edit: Sorry , was too interested in posting then reading , haha , anyway it does work better with misha in the convo. Enjoyed the story either way , cant wait till you write more :D

Demoneq
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Demoneq » Tue Jan 31, 2012 5:41 am

I like Misha's ranting. :) Especially that part:
Then you're going to take her to that party tonight. You're going to introduce her to all your old friends, and you're going to show them that you're dating the best girl in the world. And you're going to introduce her to Iwanako, and you're going to show her what a real girlfriend looks like, one who stands by her man and doesn't give up on him for anything.
Also, something I'm curious about: is the phrase "I swear to God" actually used in Japan (as in, is Christianity common enough there for it to be part of their common language?), or did you just made it up/used it instead of what they'd really use in such situation, but what we wouldn't get? (hope I didn't make that question too confusing)

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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Jan 31, 2012 5:53 am

You mean Hisao and Misha don't have each others phone number???
Yes, that was the most unbelievable thing in this chapter ;-)

But I also think Shizune was a bit OOC this time:
She scolded Hisao, he snapped at her and sulked. The Shizune I know would tell him to suck it up, not have a breakdown and run crying to Misha.

But hey, this way we got to have Misha in the chapter, so I'm not complaining 8)

And, yes, The previous chapter works better the way it is now.
Also, something I'm curious about: is the phrase "I swear to God" actually used in Japan...
Misha is overseas now - she probably picked it up there.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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DelusionsOfGrandeur
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by DelusionsOfGrandeur » Tue Jan 31, 2012 6:16 am

I made an account just to say I really enjoy your writing, keep up the fantastic work.

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Suox
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by Suox » Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:53 am

.
Last edited by Suox on Sun Jan 01, 2017 10:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

themocaw
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by themocaw » Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:54 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:But I also think Shizune was a bit OOC this time:
She scolded Hisao, he snapped at her and sulked. The Shizune I know would tell him to suck it up, not have a breakdown and run crying to Misha.
True. I didn't actually mean to imply that she went crying to Mischa like a wailing little girl, and I'll clarify that in my edits.

Demoneq wrote:Also, something I'm curious about: is the phrase "I swear to God" actually used in Japan (as in, is Christianity common enough there for it to be part of their common language?), or did you just made it up/used it instead of what they'd really use in such situation, but what we wouldn't get? (hope I didn't make that question too confusing)
It probably translates to something like, "Heaven may forgive you, but I never will," but using phrases like that make me feel like I'm writing an Akira Kurosawa flick. :P

Made some changes based on feedback.

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scott1and
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by scott1and » Tue Jan 31, 2012 4:19 pm

Hey, still loving this. One thing that I've noticed though. You're spelling Misha's name wrong. You spell it Mischa, when it's Misha.
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gecko
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Re: Weekend at Hisao's (Was: At the Train Station) - [Some P

Post by gecko » Tue Jan 31, 2012 6:34 pm

Wow, that one started okay but... just nice and funny?
And then, it's been building and building, up to the point where we now have a real plot, and I'm waiting eagerly for the next episode! You're a sneaky writer, sir.
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