Brogurt's Chocolatey Hanako Fanfiction (Updated Nov 26th)

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Brogurt
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Read All About It!

Post by Brogurt » Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:38 pm

A rolling game on /vg/ told me to write this in 10 minutes and it took me 12.

I feel so ashamed.

--------------------------------------------

"N-Naomi and N-Natsume?"

"Yep, you got it! The names of Class 3-3's very own newspaper club members. No need for formalities, please."

"Nice to meet you."

The brown haired girl's words catch Hanako by surprise. She'd have forgotten of her presence entirely if not for the introduction a few seconds ago. Hanako finds her eyes drawn towards her, but she doesn't quite know why. She's pretty. Very pretty. And this is in spite of... her eyes? Or maybe because of them. Two seperate colors. Heterochromia, it's called. It's asymmetric. Almost... exotic.

"Like the eyes?"

Hanako blushes hard, and averts her gaze.

"Hey, nothing to feel bad about. I think I'd prefer people checking out my eyes than my body when I'm talking to them."

No response out of the raven-haired girl.

"Naomi, get back to work. I'd like to speak with our newest member a bit more privately."

"Sure thing, Natsume!"

She leans in closely to Ikezawa- No, Hanako.

"I think I know what you're thinking. My right and my left- they're different. Just like you. Not just on the outside, but the inside too."

"I... what do you mean by that?"

"I've got a bone condition too. Not a lot of people know that. They assume it's just the eyes. That I'm half-blind or something. But I'm telling you because I think you're a person I can trust, and a person I'd like to get along with."

"R-really?"

"Certainly. Welcome to the Newspaper Club."

The dark-haired girl smiles, with a bit of newfound confidence.

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Re: Brogurt's Chocolatey Hanako Fanfiction (Updated Nov 5th)

Post by Negativedarke » Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:31 pm

Now that was short and sweet. Kinda nice to see it though. One does wonder after playing Lily's route how Hanako was aproached to be in the newspaper club.

In general for your fics, they seem to be a little dark at times, and not as Waffy. Not a bad thing though. It's interesting to see that you do something with them, namely that Hanako is still the subject of scorn by some of her peers. The thing I had to wonder after finishing her route is if that more because of her social anxiety, then her scars. We clearly see Molly bieng happy for her, and I wonder if the students at Yamaku who don't like her do so more because she's the freaky quite girl, and not because she's the freaky burned girl.
"Misha, I don't think Chocoholism is a real disability."
"But the School's Entrance Board does Hi-Chan. Wahaha~"

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Re: Brogurt's Chocolatey Hanako Fanfiction (Updated Nov 5th)

Post by Guest Poster » Tue Nov 06, 2012 2:02 am

Now that was short and sweet. Kinda nice to see it though. One does wonder after playing Lily's route how Hanako was aproached to be in the newspaper club.
She wasn't. In Lilly's route, Hanako was trying to give Lilly and Hisao some space, so she asked her neighbour in class (Naomi) if she knew any good clubs to join. Naomi promptly convinced her to give her own club a try. That's how she ended up in there.
In general for your fics, they seem to be a little dark at times, and not as Waffy. Not a bad thing though. It's interesting to see that you do something with them, namely that Hanako is still the subject of scorn by some of her peers. The thing I had to wonder after finishing her route is if that more because of her social anxiety, then her scars. We clearly see Molly bieng happy for her, and I wonder if the students at Yamaku who don't like her do so more because she's the freaky quite girl, and not because she's the freaky burned girl.
In Hanako's route, Miki suggests it's the former. She describes Hanako as hard to deal with. So does a hallmate of Lilly and Hanako who says something along the lines of: "Ikezawa is Ikezawa. Of course she's not going to answer her door. She only ever talks to Lilly." Hanako's real disability is internal. It's not the scars that influence her life to such a heavy degree. It's the insecurity and social anxiety.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

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Re: Brogurt's Chocolatey Hanako Fanfiction (Updated Nov 5th)

Post by Brogurt » Tue Nov 06, 2012 8:51 am

Negativedarke wrote:In general for your fics, they seem to be a little dark at times, and not as Waffy. Not a bad thing though. It's interesting to see that you do something with them, namely that Hanako is still the subject of scorn by some of her peers.
Umm, that's kind of weird. Namely in that I've tried to make things warm and fluffy in a majority of my fics (pretty much once the conflict has been resolved- like a quest reward), and I think most of the time the focus is how she's not the burden that she thinks she is.


The thing I had to wonder after finishing her route is if that more because of her social anxiety, then her scars. We clearly see Molly bieng happy for her, and I wonder if the students at Yamaku who don't like her do so more because she's the freaky quite girl, and not because she's the freaky burned girl.
I had been trying to point at the former, although more in the "general reaction" rather than the "scorn/aversion" manner. That's what Natsume was getting at with the "inside too" line, relating it to her arthritis.

But yeah, thanks for the words. Feedback is a luxury I haven't had a lot of lately.

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Cracked Sash

Post by Brogurt » Tue Nov 27, 2012 12:09 am

“H-hey, Misha.”

No response. Maybe I wasn’t loud enough. I outstretch my arm to try and get her attention with a tap on the shoulder, but I quickly find myself withdrawing it as she turns around.

“Sorry Hanachan~! Had to finish talking with Shizune. Is there something you wanted~?”

Darn it, she’s looking straight at me. Now I can’t put my hand up in front of my bad half without making it apparent. Just speak, Hanako. Just talk.

“O-oh. I was wondering… if you had any p-plans for this afternoon.”

I’m kind of making this sound like a date. That’s not good. And now she’s signing it so Shizune can see. Please stop, Misha…

“I-I mean, if you’d be interested in having tea sometime…”

“Oohhhh~, you mean since Lilly’s away-”

I feel my teeth grit, and my eyes instinctually narrow and divert away from her. Misha notices and stops speaking; to accommodate me, no doubt.

“Oh, sorry! I, uh… Sure, I wouldn’t mind! How about right before supper? My place. Does that sound good?”

I nod stiffly. She gets the message.

“Alright, let me write down the directions, and I’ll see you there~!”

She sets to work writing on a small note, then pushes it towards me and leaves it. I see her return to conversing with Shizune, and I shuffle back to my seat.

I can’t help but think that the cheeriness of that goodbye was little too forced. Like she’s trying too hard to appear happy to me.

I feel like that should come as no surprise. But I wonder why. Does she think I’m still upset about Lilly not being here? Or does Misha think that she’s my Plan B?

…I guess she is, in a sense. I don’t think anyone could replace Lilly for me. But I still don’t like to think of Misha like that. She’s been nothing but friendly to me. The only problems lie with myself, and how I react. It’s not like she’s the one who makes me break down, or the one who makes me shy away from every person I see. That’s all on me.

Well, at least I’m on my way to getting to know her better. She’s definitely nicer than Shizune. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to get close to Shizune, with the way she… handles everyone she meets.

Maybe it’s time that I end this train of thought for now. I can come back to it later when it’s just me and Misha.

Just me and Misha…

The thought hits me like a punch in the face. Why did I agree to this? She’s all smiles and volume, and I’m the opposite of that.

I mean, I know the answer. I know why. It’s to help with my therapy. Or maybe it’s to help me… But I leapt before I looked. Out of the frying pan…

I need to distract myself, and fast. I don’t want to end up facing another nervous breakdown. No, no, no, not right now.

I reach for my book, and begin flipping to the bookmarked page-

When the bell rings. I must have spent a long time -longer than I thought- just sitting in silence and moping.

I must have looked pathetic.

Whatever; it’s time to move on. I seal my book and begin packing hastily, to try and accommodate for my late start. Normally I’d be out the door before that bell even rang.

Well, I guess “normally” would have been before him…

“Hey, Hanako.”

Speak of the devil.

I tidy up the last of my things and then turn my attention to the source of the voice.

“H-Hisao…”

“I saw you talking to Misha back there, a short while before class ended. Just wondering what that was about.”

“I decided that I w-wanted to spent time with Misha this afternoon.”

“So I imagine you don’t want me to be there?”

Good, he understands. I was afraid I would have to break it to him.

“Y-yes. I want to do this by myself.”

“Okay, it’s cool. We can hang out whenever. I guess I’ll just… find something to do.”

He departs, and I’m hit with a pang of guilt soon after. He sounded fine, sure, but I feel like I just rejected him.

Well, what’s done is done. I guess I’d better get going.

The rest of today’s classes pass uneventfully, a very good thing. Before I know it, I’m on my way back to the comfort of my dorm room.

Dodging strangers and their glances proves rather easy. Or maybe it’s just less stressful, which makes me I feel like I’ve accomplished more.

I wonder if that’s because of Misha. Talking with her -someone new, someone I was previously afraid of- actually kind of felt invigorating.

Before I know it, I’m going through the same motions. Open the door, step inside, set down my belongings, close the door, lock it, and fall down onto my bed. Today’s been an exhausting day, but it’s not over.

My mind wanders as I rest my eyes. I find it darting between thoughts of Misha and this coming afternoon. I really shouldn’t be this concerned with her… But I feel like I could actually be making a new friend. After all, I know three people right now. Lilly, Akira, and Hisao. Someone as extroverted as Misha probably has several times that number.

Minutes go by like seconds, and I soon find myself redressing in preparation for our little “date”. My usual not-at-school attire will have to do.

Now that I think about it, I really don’t want this visit to be a burden to her… I think I’ll bring some tea and food with me, hopefully enough for both of us.

Fully prepared to go, I set out toward Misha’s room. The directions prove to be no trouble, as my first quiet knocks are answered by none other than her own gleaming expression.

“Wahaha! Hiya, Hanachan!”

Please, Misha. I don’t need you announcing to the whole building that I’m here.

“Come on in! Don’t be shy~”

I oblige, making as little noise as possible to compensate for Misha’s unnecessary loudness. I’ll never know how she can stand being so boisterous all the time.

As her room comes into view, it turns out to be pretty much what I expected out of her. Bright. Pink everywhere. The walls, the carpeting, the bed. Sometimes different shades and hues in sequence. It’s uncomfortable to be around… but at least it looks sanitary.

I place my things on the floor and take a seat beside them. I guess I’m not really sure what to do now.

“Oh, nooo, Hanachan. You don’t have to sit on the floor~. You can have the bed; it’s nice and comfy!”

Her voice reaches my ears, and my first instinct is to grimace. She’s bending over backwards for my sake, isn’t she? Does she think I can’t handle the floor?

I shake free my doubts. No, she’s just being a gracious host. That’s all. I don’t need to think of everything this way.

She takes the floor and I sit down on her bed, lightly enough to avoid messing with the fabric.

I quickly find myself sitting in silence, and Misha’s peppy demeanor has all but left her. Each of us is looking around, and while I’d expect her to be the one to establish eye contact, she doesn’t. As much as I like the quiet, and as much as I appreciate her not staring at me, this is getting kind of awkward.

“Um… I brought food… If you don’t mind…”

Misha shuts her eyes and smiles, tilting her head to the side.

“Sure. That sounds great.”

I begin unpacking the tea set and electric kettle, when I’m hit with a dilemma.

“…Do you… have a table we could use?”

“Yeah, I’ve got an un-foldable one, but…”

I think my silence adequately conveys my thoughts. ‘But what?’

“You’d have to sit on the floor, Hanachan.”

Oh, is that it?

“S-sure. That’s not a problem.”

She sets up the table, and then I begin pulling my own weight.

Before I know it, the tea is already boiling and the sandwiches are already set out. This might have been faster than I’ve ever done it before. I wonder why. Was I propelled by the fear that I’d have to talk to Misha if I didn’t? Or was it something else?

“Wow, Hanachan, this is some fancy stuff. Are these sandwiches homemade?”

“F-fancy?”

What’s she getting at?

“Yeah! Want to know what me and Shizune are used to having?”

The grins from ear to ear instead of waiting for a reply.

“Cheap Chinese food and soda!”

She says this with a little boom in her voice, but it’s not nearly as loud as she was today in class.

We continue on, enjoying our food, when Misha decides to spring a topic for conversation.

“So, how have all your friends been doing? Like Lilly and… whatsherface, her sister who’s off with her in Ireland.”

“Scotland…”

Wait, did I just say that? If I were anywhere else right now, I’d be mortified by thought of speaking out of line, but… Here with Misha, I’m feeling almost right at home.

“Right, Scotland. Anyway, have you been keeping up with the two of them? Shizune wants to know when her worst enemy will be back. ”

“Worst… enemy?”

“You know, how your best friend and my best friend are arch-rivals. Battle to the death!”

Misha lowers her voice as she lets out her war cry. It’s incredibly cheesy and it almost makes me cringe with how bad it is, but I find myself laughing instead, ever so slightly at her goofing off.

“If you’re wondering, Hanachan, I don’t really think either of them hates the other. Still, everyone doing alright?”

“W-well, we haven’t spoken recently, but Hisao did, and he said everything’s all right on their end.”

I probably gave away more of the story than I wanted to right there. It’s true that I didn’t call Lilly. That’s because I locked myself in my room, sobbing into my pillow for several days.

Okay, this is no time to think about that. Just… keep up the conversation. The pain will go away. I’ve got Misha here, right?

“Oh, so speaking of Hisao, you two still get along?”

Get along? What is she getting at?

“Um, y-yeah.”

“Alright, that’s good to know~.”

I sense a little bit of flair in that comment which makes me wonder what she really knows. Does she know how me and Hisao are now? Is she just respecting my privacy?

Now that I think about it, why did I even notice that bit of flair? Normally, that kind of thing would be second nature for her when speaking. But since we’ve settled down here, maybe she’s been more… quiet than usual.

“H-hey, Misha.”

“Hmm?”

“Are you…? Does it…?”

Wow, this is a really weird question to ask.

“Why have you b-been so quiet lately?”

Misha shuts her eyes, seemingly losing herself in thought.

This goes on for a while, but I don’t dare to disturb her. Thankfully, I am rewarded when she emerges from her meditation with an answer.

“Well, right now I’m not Misha. I’m just Shiina.”

Shiina… That’s right. Shiina Mikado.

“Hanachan, let me be blunt, just this once.”

She looks at me straight in the eyes, but I feel… less inclined to look away. It feels like she’s actually looking at me, not my face… or my scars.

“When I see you, I see someone who is always honest with herself and the people close to her. People know you and they know your troubles, a’ight~?”

She pauses and takes a deep breath.

“I’m not that way. Every morning I put gel in my hair and I put on a cheap mask that says that everything is wonderful all the time.”

I try to reach out to her in the most comforting way I can.

“Misha…”

But I don’t know what else to say. So she begins to speak once more.

“Shizune… is my only real f-friend. But she’s also more than that. I don’t know if I can explain that to you, but… she means a lot to me.”

“Misha, please, you don’t have to…”

“Hanachan, you’re true to yourself, and that’s more than I’ve ever been~. I’ve always chosen to never let anyone know the real, lonely me. I’d sometimes wonder, if the world would be better off without me~.”

Are you serious, Misha? Someone like you, acting like this? Acting… like me?

While this sudden metamorphosis has caught me off guard, and I’m still nearly recoiling from her choice words, I find it in me to ask one simple thing.

“Why are you telling me this?”

Of all things, this is the one to make her look away from me.

“It’s like I said, Hanako. I don’t have any other friends.”

“Are you saying…? You want to be friends with me?”

She makes a short glance my way, and for a moment I think I see tears in her eyes, refracting the dim sunlight.

“If it’s alright with you…”

“O-of course it is.”

She stands upright, and I do too. And before I know it, she’s maneuvering around the table, and then she’s fallen into my arms.

I’ve always known who Misha was, and there were always barriers of some sort preventing us from getting to know eachother, but that’s all there was to it: I knew who she was.

I feel that I’m getting to know her now, and what’s more: I feel like this is something I could live with.

Not Misha crying though. I don’t think I could live very easily with that.

“M-Misha?”

…It feels like a full minute before she responds.

“Y-yeah?”

“You know, y-you told me about yourself, so I want to tell you about me a little.”

I reach into my pocket and pull out a round little electronic device. It’s hard to believe that this is why I’m here right now. With my experiences, getting to understand Misha and all, I had nearly forgotten that it existed.

“I… I see a therapist.”

I half-expect her to do something, say something, or somehow react… in a way that would tell me that she sees me differently. Like an undesirable. Or a broken human being. But no such thing happens.

“I got this… I’m supposed to press it whenever I talk with someone.”

Somehow, I can evoke the exact words as I go along. It’s as if each of them is a step on a stairway that magically rises up to meet my foot, taking me higher and higher.

“But it can’t just be something small. It has to be when… and only when… I put in an effort to speak and have an actual, normal, productive conversation. I also can only press it once per person. I just got it yesterday…”

“Do you think what we had back there counts? Hanachan?”

“That’s why I’m… getting it out.”

I’m not sure what the greater victory is.

That she was able to befriend me.

Or that I was able to befriend her.

I press my thumb to the button, and it gives way with a little pressure. The device beeps.

Image

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Re: Cracked Sash

Post by Brogurt » Tue Nov 27, 2012 12:10 am

I definitely wouldn't have made this if there wasn't a chance that I'd get a game for doing so.

Also, this is a sequel to Square Knot, but I wanted to make something that could stand on its own two legs. So let me know how I did and stuff.

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Re: Brogurt's Chocolatey Hanako Fanfiction (Updated Nov 26th

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Tue Nov 27, 2012 8:14 am

Hmm. I liked it. It makes perfect sense, actually. I can totally believe that Misha would gladly accept any request to hang out with someone, due to her loneliness. I feel like Misha would be "just Shiina" when she's by herself like that, and I feel like Misha would open up to someone in that way, particularly someone in a similar position such as Hanako. It's also a very interesting parallel you've drawn between the two; one that I don't recall having read anywhere before, so props to you for noticing that and working on it.

Though, this is not without flaws. The line, “Why have you b-been so quiet lately?”, I think, should be rephrased to something that more accurately reflects the short timespan to which Hanako refers. Perhaps, "Why have you b-been so quiet tonight?" or "Why have you b-been so quiet since I got here?". In the line, “It’s like I said, Hanako. I don’t have any other friends.”, Misha - or should I say Shiina - uses Hanako's proper name as opposed to her usual "Hanachan". I think this is intended to be deliberate, for dramatic effect, but if not it would be pertinent to correct that. Also, I think from "Hanachan, let me be blunt, just this once." onwards, there probably shouldn't be any tildes in Shiina's speech. I don't recall whether or not they were present when she told her story to Hisao in Shizune's path, but given that Shiina isn't using her Misha facade I think her speech would change to reflect that.

Once again, I liked it. If you continue to write stuff like this, you needn't worry about attracting the ire of any spurned readers a second time. Kudos, sir.
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Re: Brogurt's Chocolatey Hanako Fanfiction (Updated Nov 26th

Post by Brogurt » Wed Nov 28, 2012 1:06 pm

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:The line, “Why have you b-been so quiet lately?”, I think, should be rephrased to something that more accurately reflects the short timespan to which Hanako refers. Perhaps, "Why have you b-been so quiet tonight?" or "Why have you b-been so quiet since I got here?"
Okay, but I find myself wondering if Hanako's previous thoughts would remove the necessity of identifying the time frame in the text, since she says so in her head. I'll give it some more thought.
In the line, “It’s like I said, Hanako. I don’t have any other friends.”, Misha - or should I say Shiina - uses Hanako's proper name as opposed to her usual "Hanachan". I think this is intended to be deliberate, for dramatic effect, but if not it would be pertinent to correct that.
I don't actually remember if it was intentional. Which do you think would be better? More drama and intrigue, or a lack thereof?
Also, I think from "Hanachan, let me be blunt, just this once." onwards, there probably shouldn't be any tildes in Shiina's speech. I don't recall whether or not they were present when she told her story to Hisao in Shizune's path, but given that Shiina isn't using her Misha facade I think her speech would change to reflect that.
It was originally without tildes, but I remembered that scene and then added them in.

I appreciate the kind words and the critical words.

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Re: Brogurt's Chocolatey Hanako Fanfiction (Updated Nov 26th

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Wed Nov 28, 2012 8:14 pm

Brogurt wrote:Which do you think would be better? More drama and intrigue, or a lack thereof?
It's probably for the better that "Hanako" remains. And maybe - MAYBE - add a line between that and the next where Hanako takes note of the change (e.g. Misha's use of my name, instead of the usual nicknaming trend she follows, catches me off guard.). Depends how obvious you want to make it. Everything else is your call, mate.
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