Imperfect

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rabbitt773
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Imperfect

Post by rabbitt773 » Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:09 pm

Hi there. This is my first post here although I've been a member for a while. I recently wrote this story whilst on holiday and decided to post it here to see what you guys think of it. Please post what you think of it and what you think I could improve as well as any questions you have. If you enjoy it I'll post more later. Anyway here's the story. Thanks in advance for any advice.

Imperfect part 1
My day, as it often does, begins with a shock as I wake abruptly from a nightmare which is all too realistic. Of course those dreams based on real events always seem to be. I have relived the events of that... Incident almost every night since it occurred. The headlights, the blaring horn and most of all the sheer blazing agony are all as fresh as if it happened only yesterday.

I gasp, realising I can't breathe through my nose, and heave myself out of bed. After downing a hay fever tablet I stumble into the showers, hoping it will help to loosen the accumulated mucus. In many ways I'm grateful that I'm not one of the kids here with cystic fibrosis: they have it ten times as bad as me and all year round to boot. My disability may be more noticeable and possibly more inconvenient but at least it isn't life threatening like CS.

Feeling marginally better I head back to my room and throw on my uniform. Stifling a yawn I head to class. Wasn't there supposed to be a new student arriving today or something?

I suppose by now you're wondering why I'm here right? My problem isn't really all that interesting- after an accident around 2 years ago I lost my left arm just below the elbow. The lower arm was deemed too badly mangled to attempt reattaching it. I've gotten used to the inconvenience over time although the stump still has moments of aching and itchiness.

A short walk later (along with a quick detour to the cafeteria to grab some breakfast) I arrive at my classroom. Reaching my desk I take a seat and crack the knuckles on my right hand against the desk (a bad habit of mine). As usual I'm fairly early, the only other student present being asleep at his desk. Over the next 10 minutes the rest of the class file in, chatting loudly amongst each other. Finally the teacher arrives and calls the class to order. "good morning class," She says, waiting for the class's response to die down before continuing "Today class we have a new student joining us. So please give a warm welcome to Miss Erica Anesis."
..…….........................................................................
Last edited by rabbitt773 on Tue Sep 13, 2011 5:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Imperfect

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Sep 09, 2011 7:51 pm

Well, not much to comment on yet. So far it's mostly character introduction.
However I like, that you don't stick to the official characters.
A few typos/grammar issues:
The headlights, the blaring horn and most of all the sheer blazing agony are all as fresh as if it happened only yesterday.
I gasp, realising I can't breathe through my nose...
Finally the teacher arrives ...
One more thing: At one point you have your character directly adress the reader. If that's intentional it's fine, but be sure it is a conscious decision when you do that.
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Snicket
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Re: Imperfect

Post by Snicket » Sat Sep 10, 2011 2:17 am

well your off to an good start.

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bintoy
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Re: Imperfect

Post by bintoy » Sat Sep 10, 2011 11:53 am

Erica Anesis...such a foreign name to me! I'm curious now. seems interesting rabbit773.. :D

go for li'l more character build up. :D
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rabbitt773
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Re: Imperfect

Post by rabbitt773 » Tue Sep 13, 2011 5:27 pm

Ok the typos should be fixed now.

I have a quick question to ask if anyone can help: does anyone know anything about the after effects of having a tumor removed from the lip? Specifically does the removal and skin graft cause discoloration and/ significant scarring?

I heard that this was the case but couldn't find anything much on it online and wanted to make sure it was the case befor posting the next chapter. Thanks in advance for your help.

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Shades of gray
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Re: Imperfect

Post by Shades of gray » Tue Sep 13, 2011 11:11 pm

i would imagine that would depend on the size of it... a small lump may leave a slight mark thats almost unnoticable, whereas say... a 1 inch diamater will leave a bit of scarring (surgeons have ways to reduce scarring from such things i believe)
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rabbitt773
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Re: Imperfect

Post by rabbitt773 » Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:17 pm

I was thinking more if the tumor required part of the lip itself removed and rebuilt.

rabbitt773
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Re: Imperfect

Post by rabbitt773 » Mon Sep 19, 2011 5:12 pm

Ok then here's part two. It eps written on an itouch and uploaded in a bit of a hurry so apologies in advance for any grammar issues.

BTW I'd like to know what you think of my method of portraying erica's speech difficulties if it's not too much trouble. Thanks in advance!


Imperfect part 2
As she stepped into the classroom I got my first good look at her. She wasn't particularly assuming although she could been quite good looking if not for the obvious issues. She was incredibly thin, almost twiglike, with short, messy blond hair and eyes which darted about the classroom, never focusing on one person for long. However there was something about her, a feeling she gave me which I couldn't quite place. As she turned to face the class at least part of her reason for being here was revealed: a large section of the left of her  bottom lip was discoloured in comparison to the rest of her face and I could see scarring around the discoloured skin, evidently from some kind of accident or operation.

It was then that she spoke, quietly and tripping over some words and carefully trying to pronounce the rest correctly "Hello ever-ybody, my name is er-ica. I enjoy reading and dra-drawing. I-I hope we can get a-along," anything else she might have said was drowned out by the chorus of replies.

"Thank you Erica," said Mrs Kynt "you can take the free seat at the back," she added, indicating the seat next to mine. The girl walked down the class, her head bowed the entire way. I nodded a greeting as she took her seat and received something between a nod and a flinch in reply.

Homeroom passed without incident, as did the first two lessons of the day, boring as they were. The third lesson of the day was biology. The days lesson was on stem cells and their potential applications, a subject one of the girls up the front seemed none too happy about.

Finally lunchtime arrived and the class filed out, motivated by the prospect of food. I briefly considered inviting the new girl along but in the end decided against it; I'd probably just spook her and besides which it was the class rep's job to make new students feel welcome. 
--------------------------------------------------------------
I arrived back from lunch five minutes early to find Erica still sitting at her desk. Had she been sitting there alone all lunch?

The last two lessons dragged on way too slowly for my liking but finally the bell rang for the end of school and I headed back to the dorms. On my way up to my room I checked in at reception for mail. Sure enough a package had arrived for me. I hadn't received any homework that day so I could crack on with its contents straight away
--------------------------------------------------------------
Four hours later I stretched and admired my handiwork. The scale model mech had taken much longer to build than it would have before the accident but I had definitely improved over last time. Maybe one day I'd get my time down to what it used to be.

After watching some tv and putting the finishing touches to the model kit I decide to hit the sack. As I lie in bed drifting toasted sleep my thoughts turn    to that strange new girl.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Imperfect

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Sep 19, 2011 6:27 pm

Well, she didn't say a lot so far, and what she said could have easily been a stutter.
When I write someone with an accent or a speech impediment, I try to set up the rules in advance, for example "All S are pronounced as Z" or "Will omit the letter H at the beginning of a word."
So far I only wrote characters with accents where I have a good idea of what the accent is supposed to sound like (English with French/Russian accent in the last few Chapters of My Katawa Kijo Fic). I don't know what Erica is supposed to sound like, so I don't know if you got what you tried for...
Also:
she could have been quite good looking
The day's lesson
I'd probably just spook her and besides which it was
The last sentence is present tense, while the rest of the chapter is past tense.
Some missing commas
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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scott1and
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Re: Imperfect

Post by scott1and » Tue Sep 20, 2011 11:42 am

Bit short, but otherwise showing progress, look forward to more. And since you asked so nicely, the way you show ericas speech does show she has difficulty talking, or at the very least stutters, but a few comments from the "narrator character" about how she is talking may help some readers imagine what you want them to.
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Snicket
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Re: Imperfect

Post by Snicket » Fri Sep 23, 2011 4:08 pm

Agreed.

Also for some reason, when i was reading Erica's dialog, it came across as if she was talking with her tough hanging out and bit too far.

Other then that, not bad.

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