My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

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A1phaDrag0n
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My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by A1phaDrag0n » Sat May 07, 2011 8:42 am

My first fan fiction ever :( not sure about the quality but I suppose some criticism can help improve that :) It's a Hanako x Hisao nothing to original but I hope someone enjoys it :)
_________________________________________________

Frustration...

His heart stuttered, as did hers. She stood before him, slowly shaking as the words she hoped to hear refused to leave his lips. Her eyes grew wide with horror for but a moment, only to fall with disappointment, then swell with tears. She had opened her heart to him only to be greeted with a painfully loud silence...

His throat burned, it felt swollen. Words... so many words he had to say, but the pain in his chest stopped him dead cold. His heart broke a second time to see tears in dear Hanako’s eyes. She turned and was gone, like a shadow, her eyes averted to late to see his hand clutching his chest, his frustration evident in his eyes. He could scream. He would scream later. He could not see his own immediate danger for his pain in losing Hanako. No... he hadn’t lost her yet. With a grunt, he forced his legs to move.
She fled through the halls, she no longer cared for the eyes of others, there was only one set of eyes she could not face.

It had taken a moment for his legs to realize what Hisao was telling them to do...

‘MOVE!’

He fought the pain, his vision blurring, but not enough to obscure the wisp of dark hair in the distance. He surged after her, stumbling as his heart screamed in retaliation. He roared (in his mind at least, all that came out was a raspy gurgle) as he pushed forward after her.

Emi was almost bowled over by Hanako as she turned the corner. This alone piqued her interest, as Hisao charged past in pursuit. She knew something was amiss. Thankful that she had just been on her way back from a late afternoon run, she took off after the two.

Hanako’s mind was racing. Dark thoughts were flooding her brain, she could feel the tears flowing freely as she made her way up the stairs. She had been so certain of Hisao. She had seen the way he would look at her when he thought she wasn’t looking (or maybe he wanted her to know what he saw when he looked at her?) the way his eyes would slowly drink in her face. What did he see? Her eyes fell, all he would ever see was this scar...

The stairs? Where was she going? From the third floor there was only one place to go... Realization slowly dawned on his face, causing him to push his limit further as his heart threatened to explode. He had to tell her what he really saw when he looked at her, not some scarred, lonely freak... Why couldn't she see what he saw?

'Hanako...'

The porcelain skin, her smoky eyes... the beautiful river of dark hair that spilt over... and what it spilt over... that dark contrast. He would show her what he saw...

The cool night air greeted her as she found her way to the roof, why was she here? She hadn’t been thinking about where she was going, simply running. She slowed to a walk, taking in her current situation. Years seemed to stack up on her in that single moment... all the cold stares... the crushing loneliness... she began to sob as it all began to sink in, what had happened. She had made one mistake. She foolishly let herself open up to someone. It had been easy when it was just Lilly. She never judged, never asked and never expected to be told. Most of all she didn’t stare, a redundant observation to be sure, but it made all the difference to Hanako. And foolish selfish Hanako, she had to go and want more. Maybe it wasn’t as she saw it, maybe he was really just staring at her like everyone else? She slowly worked herself into a knot, her mind churning out more and more twisted thoughts. Maybe no one liked her? Maybe this was all just one big sick joke.
She realized by now that she had made her way to the edge of the building. It was strange, she was afraid, but she didn’t know what of. She regarded the courtyard below, so far away, why did she find it so inviting? She tried to take a step back, but her mind was clouded, she couldn’t move properly. Hisao... why had she so quickly opened to him?

‘Maybe... maybe I was reading him wrong. Maybe he doesn’t feel anything about me...’

Her mind took a darker turn, maybe he was worse, was this some sort of big joke to him? She did not feel anger, nor hatred. All that she could feel in her heart was a cold emptiness. It gnawed at her, her one last out reach to someone else, someone that she thought she could trust. She sobbed quietly, the dark courtyard swelling before her, threatening to consume her. All these years, the only person that would show her pity if even that was a girl who would never see her disfigured face. So long running... not just this night, all these nights. Would she forever be on her guard from everyone? Not even Lilly could be there forever... and once they went their separate ways...

‘Is this what it will always be like?’

The thought made her hollow... tentatively she reached for her scar.

‘I... I will never truly escape this will I... not even Hisao could see past this...’

She was deep within her own shadow, barely aware of anything outside of her private little bubble of despair. She couldn’t hear the foot steps behind her. She found herself at the very edge, leaning forward as if being sucked into the abyss.

Hisao tried to yell but his burning throat would barely let him breath, let alone yell. His mind screamed as she slowly fell forward.

Emi eyes went wide, she stood at the door as she saw Hanako jump. Her scream pierced the air as Hisao leapt after her.
The scream snapped Hanako from her trance, everything was crystal clear. She was going to die, the ground and shadow that promised to take her pain away meant to do so by killing her! All she managed was a sad whimper as she spun in free fall, turning to see him dive after her, his hand outstretched, his face contorted in pain. He pierced the darkness, her mind running on instinct alone, she reached for his hand.

***

The scream was not unnoticed in Yamaku, as luck would have it, Akio Mutou was making his way to his class, having forgotten some semi important paper work that he’d rather have done sooner then later. As he crossed the courtyard he heard the piercing scream. His neck snapped upwards to the sounds source in time to see Hisao trying to grab onto the roof top perimeter fence, Hanako dangling by her wrist in his grasp. He bolted towards the main entrance, he all but slid into one of the ground floor offices. He lunged for the phone, ignoring the occupants of the office yells of surprise, and froze. Who was closer? Most teachers would be off grounds by now, MOST... his mind raced. Nomiya? He would hang around after hours occasionally, perhaps he would be in the art room? If so, he was certainly closer then he was at the moment. He punched in the number. First ring... nothing... Second ring... nothing...

‘Pick up the Fu-’

The art teachers voice echoed over the line.

“Hello?”

“It’s Akio! This is an emergency, GET TO THE ROOF NOW!”

Without waiting for a reply he slammed the phone down and charged back into the lobby, bolting to the staircase. Jumping the railing on the stairway he bolted for the roof top.

***

It was close, her hand nearly slipped through his grasp but he managed to find grip at her wrist. He reached for the ledge, finding no purchase he lost a layer of skin. Emi lunged to grab his hand, her running blades lodged into the roof, she was nearly ripped from them by the suddenly weight in her hands. She was hysterical as she slowly buckled under the weight. After what felt like eternity the weight suddenly disappeared, she was afraid to open her eyes, least she see the ground suddenly rushing to greet her. She was dimly aware of a presence beside her, slowly she peered through slitted eyes at this presence. It was Nomiya, he was helping her anchor them with great effort, apparent in his strained face. She shook her head quickly before redoubling her efforts to pull the pair up, they were not enough.

There was a sudden snap, his mouth opened in a mute cry as his vision flashed white, it felt like his arm had been pulled clean out of its socket. It was dwarfed by the explosion in his chest. He resists the urge to claw at his chest, one false move could spell the end of the girl he loves. There was some sort of commotion above them but he was not interested, he looked down into her sad eyes, she was pleading with him...

“P-please Hisao! Let me go!”

Her next words are barely a murmur...

“I-I want this...”

His eyes teared up, he was angry... perhaps hurt? He looked down into her eyes, those magical pools, he never wanted to see the dim light they carry extinguished. He found his voice, though it was hoarse and raw.

“I don’t want this!”

She was confused by this, what does he mean he doesn’t want this? It isn’t his choice! Does he want her to remain forever there in his shadow so that he might laugh at her? She almost snarled at him, but the words that followed struck her silent.

“Dammit Hanako! I love you!”

Neither had noticed the arrival of their home class teacher, his voice rumbling in the night, he grabbed Hisao firmly. Emi was in hysterics again, having moved to allow room for the younger teacher, the weight of the situation was finally beginning to hit her. Mutou quickly snapped her out of her episode by raising his voice.

“We’ve got them, QUICK! Run to the nursing office and get the head nurse out here quickly, explain what happened and get him here ASAP!”

Emi nodded and sprinted off, leaving Mutou and Nomiya to save his students. Calmly he addressed Hisao.

“Have you got a secure grip of her?”

Hisao could only nod, the pain in his chest made even that a harsh task to accomplish.

“I’m going to hoist you up okay? On three...”

They managed to get Hisao half way onto the roof, but there was no way to pull him further without the risk of losing Hanako. Leaning forward, Mutou quickly reached past him to get Hanako. She seemed distant, and non-responsive. He was concerned that maybe she had gone into shock, he couldn’t reach her from his current position. Quietly he called to her.

“Hanako, come on dear, I need you to give me your hand...”

Quietly she looked up at him, not as dazed as he had first thought her to be, she slowly reached up to him. Quickly he reached to take her hand but as he reached, Hisao finally fell unconscious as his grip loosened... A look of horror finally registered on Hanako’s face as she felt herself slipping...

-The nursing office-

Hisao awoke with a start, frantically, he scanned the room he had awoken in. It was not far different from the hospital room he had been in when his life had taken this unexpected path. Not that he cared at the moment, he was looking not for memories or regrets, where was Hanako!? He tried to get out of the bed but his actions were halted by the head Nurses entrance.

“You’re in no condition for that, Hisao...”

His face was unreadable, he seemed tired... oh gods, what hour was it!? How long had he been out? The nurse smiled faintly, almost reading his mind, he spoke softly.

“Yeah, you had me up most of the night, hehehe, mister hero eh? Hope you don’t plan on pulling too many stunts like that...”

He couldn’t read his face, the man who usually was straight up about how he felt... was he trying to hide something? Sensing his growing anxiety, the nurse turned to the door.

“You have some visitors, by the way, it’s kinda late... well early, I can send them away if you’d like, you really need some rest...”

Hisao didn’t hear anything after visitors, he rasped in reply.

“Please, send them in!”

Hisao’s face dropped as Lilly made her way in. She slowly made her way to the foot of the bed, nervously she called out.

“Hisao?”

He was quiet, very quiet...

“Lilly... Hana-”

Lilly smiled gently, it was almost the first word out of his mouth. She called out gently.

“I think he would like to have a word with you Hanako...”

Hisao’s eyes shot to the doorway, sure enough, Hanako stood there, her visible eye trembled to see him, did he hate her? She felt he would, wasn’t she the reason he was here? There was a look of immense relief where she expected to see a dull hatred on his face. Slowly, she made her way over to the bed. Neither of them noticed as Lilly excused herself quietly, leaving the two to talk in private. She steeled herself.

“W-why?”

He smiled, as ambiguous as her question was, he already guessed what it referred to. He gave her a smile as he spoke in a softer tone.

“Why not?”

She blushed as his eyes meet hers. Slowly her hand reached up, covering her scar. A look of frustration came over his face as he tried to rise, his body simply refusing to budge after the punishment he had put it through. He cursed his weakness, startling Hanako. She trembled slightly, had she said something, done something to anger him? She took a step back, almost turning to the door she wanted to bolt, but she stopped herself. No, she wanted to understand first, she wanted to know. She once again laid her eyes upon him. He had a sad look in his eyes, her hand hadn’t moved from her scar.

“I wish...”

He shook his head in frustration.

“I wish I could move... I really want to move your hand...”

She wasn’t sure what to make of this. She gazed at him questioningly.

“It... you keep covering your face with it, it really frustrates me when you block off my view like that...”

He gave her a grin, she blushed crimson, her cheeks burning as she returned a faint smile. Sure, there were many questions. Lots of things needed to be asked, many things to share. But now was not the time. Slowly she made her way to the waiting chair next to the bed; her blush had not died down as she sat herself down. Absent mindedly, she reached for his hand, hoping to make sure he was really there. He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, the smile on her face grew little by little.
The nurse stood in the doorway, shaking his head he mumbled.

“This is definitely against regulations...”

Yet he could not bring himself to wake the couple, Hanako looked ever so comfortable under Hisao’s arm. They slept quietly, so peaceful one would not believe what had happened not a night ago. He sighed; he was going to be here all night now, making sure nothing happened to the two of them.

‘oh well, at least I don’t have to worry about finding someone to keep an eye on her now.’

He smiled, that was a poor excuse but if it helped justify not waking them he was certainly prepared to stick to it. He made his way back to his desk, he work he could get out of the way anyways.
Last edited by A1phaDrag0n on Sun May 08, 2011 3:47 pm, edited 10 times in total.
Hanako=Rin>Lilly>Misha=Emi>Shizune

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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by Jaden82 » Sat May 07, 2011 9:07 am

It's good read. A bit clustered and I can't really imagine Hanako considering suicide so easily and so quick after misunderstanding Hisao's silence. Other than that,
it's a nice and quick story to read.

I've been thinking about writing a fanfic but I just joined and I wondered if it's too soon to do that. After reading this, I'm kinda inspired to take a break from a non-related story I've been writing and do a quick one for this forum. Give my brain something new to imagine for a bit. Thanks.
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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by griffon8 » Sat May 07, 2011 10:17 am

I certainly could see a confession from Hanako setting off Hisao's heart. And then misinterpretation on Hanako's part. Well done.
Jaden82 wrote:I've been thinking about writing a fanfic but I just joined and I wondered if it's too soon to do that.
It's never too early, but we appreciate good editing. I edit someone's fanfic on a different forum, and even I asked other people to take a look at my writing before I post it.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by scott1and » Sat May 07, 2011 10:24 am

That was really, really good. You captured the characters pretty well but I too think Hanako wouldn't resort to suicide that quickly, but then again this isn't part of the game, this is an unrelated fiction, and a damn bloody good one at that.
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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by neumanproductions » Sat May 07, 2011 2:14 pm

And in another alternate universe Hisao falls off a roof, so does that crazy chick from School Days, Aeka from Yume Miru Kusuri is also thinking of jumping or has already jumped. Man it seems like roofs are such a dangerous place, I don't understand why Emi and Rin would be hanging up there for their lunches.

But good simple read I must say.
Rin=Hanako>Emi>Misha>Lilly>Shizune (Misha counts in my world alright; and now she surpassed Lilly)
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A1phaDrag0n
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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by A1phaDrag0n » Sat May 07, 2011 2:37 pm

:) that wasn't as painful as I was expecting :) I will try editing it to make it more realistic to the characters :) I suspect there is also and alternate story line where a roof is jumping off an attractive girl...
I've been thinking about writing a fanfic but I just joined and I wondered if it's too soon to do that.
Believe me, I just joined myself, I was terrified by what I might wake up to find posted here, but it seems things went nicely, so I figure that's a good sign yes?
Hanako=Rin>Lilly>Misha=Emi>Shizune

"They probably think you're a furry, your signature screams it. If they don't they definitely think your a newfag..."

"... lurk moar?"

"Probably your best bet at this point..."

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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by Rocket Royal » Sat May 07, 2011 3:19 pm

4/5. Can I actually give some criticisms? It's still pretty good, let me say.

A paragraph should make an entire idea. This isn't a high school english paper, so you can totally make short two or three sentence paragraphs. When it cuts to the teacher, the place and person and actions are all different. It doesn't have a connection to what you were previously saying. Might be better to write in a little more details for each part and make them seperate paragraphs, or have them just be two different ones. This might just be my preference, mind you.

You're better at conducting an inner monologue than me. Keep it up!

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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by A1phaDrag0n » Sat May 07, 2011 3:40 pm

thank you :) I was sorta having an awkward time introducing the teacher in, it was a kinda random introduction of the idea, but the only reasonable idea I could make :? I will fiddle around with it and see if I can introduce the idea better :)
You're better at conducting an inner monologue than me.
I guess you could say I've had more practice (insert forever alone face here) :lol:
Hanako=Rin>Lilly>Misha=Emi>Shizune

"They probably think you're a furry, your signature screams it. If they don't they definitely think your a newfag..."

"... lurk moar?"

"Probably your best bet at this point..."

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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat May 07, 2011 9:24 pm

First of all good read! Definitely well done for a first work!
Since you were asking for criticism, some things I noticed:
- Somewhere in the middle you jump to present tense for a few lines. The rest of the story is past tense.
- You have chosen an unlimited omniscient narrator, i.e. one who knows what goes on in both Hanako's and Hisao's head. That is not in itself a bad thing, though limited omniscience (a narrator who knows the perspective of only one character) is more common, or - on these forums - first person narrators. It makes it a bit harder for the reader to identify with the characters, though.
- The part I found even more unbelievable than Hanako resorting to suicide over a misunderstanding is Hisao holding Hanako suspended over the edge all the time Mutou needs to get to the roof from the schoolyard. Even if Hanako doesn't weigh much, that would be straining if you didn't suffer a heart attack at that moment. It is a three story building, so it should take him at least a few minutes to get there. Also, Emi is apparently just standing there all the time, not doing anything. When you're writing a story, keep in mind how much time passes and what your characters are doing in that time.
- Also not really believable (though you lampshaded it a bit) is Hanako being allowed to share a bed with Hisao in the nurse's office. Her sitting at his bed when he wakes, holding his hand would be a sufficiently happy ending that wouldn't destroy the suspension of disbelief.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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A1phaDrag0n
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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by A1phaDrag0n » Sat May 07, 2011 11:17 pm

Okay, I will have a serious editing session tonight after work :)
Hanako=Rin>Lilly>Misha=Emi>Shizune

"They probably think you're a furry, your signature screams it. If they don't they definitely think your a newfag..."

"... lurk moar?"

"Probably your best bet at this point..."

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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by Jaden82 » Sat May 07, 2011 11:51 pm

Now that I reread this after all the editing you've done so far, I like the story even more. After readiing more of Hanako's inner thoughts leading up to the rooftop, it's almost plausible that she would be tempted to let herself fall for an instant. Some long paragraphs still need more splitting and spacing for better readability. There is at least one typo I noticed..."hoarse" not "horse" when Hisao was trying to speak to Hanako on the roof. Other than these, I don't see much to criticize about this story in addition to the others. Excellent writing.

Like griffon8 said, this is just a fanfic...not part of the canon, so I'll just simply enjoy this story's premise and accept that Hanako would consider hurting herself in that situation in this story.

As for the Nurse allowing Hanako to sleep on the same bed as him, I like to think he's a WARRIOR of LOVE! :D
Being deaf has its advantages...such as I don't have to run into a burning building because I can't hear the screams for help.

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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by PasterOfMuppets » Sun May 08, 2011 12:38 am

Jaden82 wrote: I like to think he's a WARRIOR of LOVE! :D
GOD DAMMIT
Now i think of the song "what is love" when hanako goes tumblin' down the roof top
either that or hisao starts singing it when he catches her... bobbing his head of course...
Good joke... Everybody laugh... Roll on snare drum... Curtains...

Hanako = Shizune = Lilly = Rin > Kenji > Placeholder > Emi

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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by Jaden82 » Sun May 08, 2011 12:57 am

I just thought of "Stairway to Heaven" when Mutou was scrambling up the stairs. God, I feel old just thinking that. And the lyrics don't even match the situation at all!
Being deaf has its advantages...such as I don't have to run into a burning building because I can't hear the screams for help.

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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by Rocket Royal » Sun May 08, 2011 1:02 am

Also, parenthesis seem to destroy the narration. I spend time figuring out how to insert certain phrases. Just putting the part that's hard to work in is counter productive. You'll need to work harder, yes. It'll help you expand and put more details and describe what people are feeling more easily, or at least, more clearly. The parenthesis just seem to imply the message of the sentences differently to me. You could have attempted to make it in parenthesis, or use commas or semi colons and make it a long winded but proper sentence.

It's up to you to decide all of it for yourself though.

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Re: My first Fan fiction (Hanako)

Post by PasterOfMuppets » Sun May 08, 2011 1:03 am

I know the song...
but never really listened to it...

Hanako jumping off the building
lasts thing she screamed was "JESUS TAKE THE WWEEEEEEEEEEL!!!"
Good joke... Everybody laugh... Roll on snare drum... Curtains...

Hanako = Shizune = Lilly = Rin > Kenji > Placeholder > Emi

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