Little Pieces

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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trekki859
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by trekki859 » Mon Feb 14, 2011 6:51 pm

the hanako one is beautiful i loved it. and the bit about the fluff *burning* made me lol :mrgreen:
in the wise words of Jack O'neill ..."what?"

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griffon8
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by griffon8 » Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:19 pm

That was pretty much dawwwwwwwww. I liked it. As pointed out, short & sweet.

Some editing suggestions. What's between < and > are additions, what uses strikethrough are pieces to eliminate. Towards the end there are also suggestions for some rearrangement of lines for a more logical flow.
Sperance wrote:What she’s been trying to say since the first time she took her clothes <off> in front of me. What she wants me to say.

I turn my gaze to my right and, as I suspected, she’s looking in my direction, her long hair hiding the scars on the skin of her face, but I can see her scarred right arm as she <lies>lay on her side, her only visible eye looking at me with longing and fear.

How silly. ‘Why would <you>she think that?’ I’d like to ask, but I know the answer to that question.

I chuckle inside my head. What would Lilly say if she found out about this situation? She’d always told me to be honest with her. That was the only thing she asked from me: to always be honest <with>to Hanako.

The strain has been growing <for>this weeks and it could destroy us.

I can see the thought forming in that little head of <hers>your.

To say those things, would be <the> same as me saying I love you despite having dark hair. Your scars are Hanako, as you shyness is Hanako<,> and your dark hair is Hanako. I can’t love you despite them, because I love them. Because I love you. They’re not a big deal, because they are not a deal at all. I don’t think <of>as you and your scars as two separate things. They’re a part of you, and I love them for that.”

“I… I don’t know if I said it like I intended<,>.” I stutter<.> “I get the feeling it was just a bunch of gibberish.”

Hanako shakes her head and speaks for the first time. “N-no… I think I understand what you mean…” she says softly.

I smile at her. “I’m glad to hear that. I was scared you wouldn’t understand.”

“I- I’m sorry…” she begins, but I cut her <off>.

“I love you<,>.” I tell her, my thumbs caressing her small hand<.> “You know that.”

She nods, her face red as a tomato. “M-me too…”
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

Griffon8's Writing

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neumanproductions
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by neumanproductions » Tue Feb 15, 2011 1:00 am

Everyone else is correct that there are many proofreaders here but obviously don't forget to proof yourself as the last resort. I can't tell you how many mistakes I made when not proofing something, and I still manage to miss somethings after a single readthrough.
But nice start, always glad to read another writer's handywork.
Rin=Hanako>Emi>Misha>Lilly>Shizune (Misha counts in my world alright; and now she surpassed Lilly)
Fanfic series entitled... A Day in the Life of [character name here] (updated 6/8/10)
Random writings and Crossover... New stuff of Neuman (updated 5/6/11)
It's time to Duel... KS Yugioh Deck (updated 3/16/11)

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kosherbacon
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by kosherbacon » Tue Feb 15, 2011 1:10 am

Self editing should be the first and last thing you do, before and after having someone else look at it. Reading out loud is also very helpful.

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Ozymil
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by Ozymil » Fri Feb 18, 2011 2:41 pm

Creative, well-written, and absolutely adorable. Looking forward to more!
Donnes-moi le chocolat, Hisao! Gib mir die Schokolade, Hisao! Dame el chocolate, Hisao! Dammi il cioccolato, Hisao! Ge mig choklad, Hisao! Giv mig chokolade, Hisao! 私にチョコレートを与える, 久夫! Daj mi czekoladę, Hisao! Geef me de chocola, Hisao! (Thanks for the Dutch ver. Leotrak) Bigyan mo ako ng chocolate, Hisao! Geef mij de chocolade, Hisao! Дайте мне шоколад, Хисао! Dá-me o chocolate, Hisao!

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Sperance
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by Sperance » Sat Feb 19, 2011 8:22 pm

Well, here’s another little chapter. This one ended up being larger than I thought, so I decided to split it in two parts. Hope you don’t mind.

Also, I’d like to thank ChaoticGrowth, who proofread this. It’s thanks to him that your eyes won’t bleed and scream in agony at my horrible, horrible grasp of the English language.

Nothing more from me, hope you like it!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The problem with practice (Part 1)


How have I ended up in this situation? No, wait, scratch that. I know perfectly well how this came to be. In hindsight, this predicament was inevitable, something we were all but doomed to from day one. It was a badly concealed attraction, an interest that developed into an unrestrained, almost animal, lust. At first there were only little things. Lending a hand in an art project with just a bit too much brushing against each other, teasing that lasted just a bit too much. But everything was ‘just a bit too much’, and it was bound to end up going off in our faces. And when we were already walking along the fine line between ‘just a bit too much’ and ‘too much’, Rin (likely with impish intentions) decided to strain things even further.

“I need help taking a bath.”

Those were her words. I knew what would happen and I accepted because, dammit, this was just too much. And in that empty bath, aided by the scrubbing, the caressing, and the proximity of our naked bodies, our lust finally exploded, a maelstrom of angry kisses and hungry lips; we were caught in an outburst of attraction that we never had any hope of avoiding.

At first… At first it was nothing more than that, deep kisses stolen in the night, lips crashing when nobody would catch us. That lasted three days before I lost control of my hands and her lips found my chest. We explored each other’s bodies, drinking, like desert dwellers at an oasis, from this sensation we were discovering for the first time.

We were friends, we agreed on that. Friends who felt an incredible physical attraction and sated their lust together as a testament to the trust they shared. During the day, we would go about our usual business, going to separate classes, eating on the roof with Emi, and killing time in the art room after class. But when we finally found ourselves alone, we would again degenerate into insatiable beasts.

“We can consider it practice,” Rin usually said with that snarky smirk of hers, that drove me crazy, on her lips, “for when we find our significant others.”

I don’t know why, but at the moment it made sense to me. Maybe it was that I didn’t want to stop, and she had given me the perfect excuse. It doesn’t really matter at this point. This went on for almost a month and a half. And I think that was the moment when everything changed for me.

“Take it, Hisao,” she said, straddled pantless on top of my stomach, her unbuttoned shirt casting shadows over her naked chest. Her green eyes were fixed on mine, her cheeks red, and her lips swollen and pink. She was the most beautiful sight I had ever witnessed. Still, I didn’t understand what she meant.

“My virginity,” she clarified, blunt as ever, even when saying that. “Take it. And give me yours.”

I could only stare at her, mouth slightly agape, unable to believe what I had heard.

“Are you sure?” I asked, unsure of what I should say.

“I think our relationship has reached that level,” again with that smirk, “I already know there’s nothing wrong inside your pants.”

And that grin. Rin isn’t the most attractive girl I’ve met. That would probably be Lilly. And Emi would be the cutest. But that grin, those eyes of hers drove (drive) me crazy. She is like an impossibly powerful magnet that I’ve never had the strength to resist. I suppose that I’ve never had the will to, either.

I think it hurt her, that first time. Even when she tried to hide the fact, we had grown too close for her to conceal that from me, but she told (ordered) me to keep going. She didn’t bleed, thankfully. But even if it hadn’t hurt, she probably wouldn’t have been satisfied. I was clumsy, awkward. Both of us were. And after we finished, I felt so shy I couldn’t muster the courage to say anything charming, or otherwise for that matter. The me right now would probably have laughed at him. Rin sure teased me, saying it was too late for me to act embarrassed. She chuckled then, kissed me lightly and thanked me, though I didn’t now why at the moment. She fell asleep shortly thereafter, and I was left wondering about what had just happened, what it meant and how the hell was I supposed to sneak out of the girls’ dorms in the morning without Emi catching me. The thought of leaving at that moment never crossed my mind. That was the first time we slept together, in both senses of the expression.

Contrary to what I feared, Rin wanted to repeat the experience, despite my horrid performance. When I pointed that out, she grinned like a, I swear to God, dirty old man.

“This is practice, remember?” she said, “How are you supposed to be any good without practice? You watch too much porn.”

I laughed at that, realizing what stupidly high expectations I had held for my first time. She then told me to follow her and proceeded to utterly humiliate me in front of the Nurse.

“I want the pill.”

I almost had a heart attack right then and there. The nurse raised an eyebrow, his smile growing as he watched me squirm.

“Why not preservatives?” he asked. Rin dismissed that with a shake of her head.

“This’ll be cheaper in the long run.”

The Nurse laughed and took some papers, telling us to come back in two or three days. I think he didn’t insist on the condoms because, knowing our medical histories, he knew we had no STDs. When we left, I was beyond embarrassed. It took me a few minutes to regain my composure and manage to steady my heartbeat.

“What did you mean by ‘cheaper in the long run’?” I asked Rin. My only answer was that smirk of hers.

I’m proud to say that, while not a natural at it, I managed to make Rin climax the seventh time we had sex. Cut me some slack, I was a newbie at that. She was helpful, albeit blunt. She told me what she liked and how, and had no qualms about telling me when I was screwing up.

“Stop trying to destroy my sex drive,” she told me once. I grew to know Rin’s body as well as my own. What she liked, her most sensitive spots, the pace she needed, her favourite positions.

Which brings me to this day, the day I dreaded, the day I never thought would possibly come. Because when I lower my gaze to watch that red mop of hair and her sleeping face, gently caressing her naked back, I realize I am happy. I find myself not caring if I wake up everyday to see her by my side. I’ve grown so compatible with her that I feel silly thinking about other potential partners. Damn, I’ve grown to love her, and I don’t even know when that happened.

My name is Hisao Nakai, and I’m in love.

… Well, fuck.

What am I supposed to do know? I mean, yes, I could confess. I could also go to the roof and jump head first. Neither of them are real options. If I confessed and she rejected me, I’d lose what I already have. Not because of Rin (I doubt she would give it too much mind), but because of myself. I can’t bring myself to. And this agreement we have now allows me to call her mine, even if only for a few hours. Because until morning comes, inside her room, nothing matters but us. She and I, together in this bed (and that desk and that chair and… Wow, that’s more than I thought…), inside a little world that only belongs to us. I can’t lose that. I’m positive it would, quite literally, kill me.

I could also remain silent. I only now realized that I’m in love with her. I can carry on like nothing has changed, because technically, nothing has changed. Right. That sounds false even to my own ears. I’m the guy who had a heart attack upon receiving a confession. Emotion is all that drives me. Be it friendship, lust, or love, my feelings are what moves me, what dictates my actions. I can’t possibly bottle them like that.

I could… I guess I could talk about this with someone. Yeah, that sounds about right. God knows I’m terrible at taking decisions. I wouldn’t even be in this mess if I had actually taken different options with my life here at Yamaku. Now, who could I go to for advice?

Kenji? Yeah, sure. He’d probably scream at me for betraying his cause or something like that. Kenji’s out.

Emi? That’s not a bad idea. We’re close, she would probably listen to me without judging me too much, and… And she’s Rin’s best friend. And she can’t keep her mouth shut to save her life. Rin would know about my feelings before I could even finish mouthing them.

Hanako? Yeah, that’ll work well. What am I, an idiot? ‘Hey, girl who has trouble even being in the same room as me without attempting to flee, how about you give me advice on my sentimental life? Here, first I’ll tell you about my sexual exploits…’ That would go amazingly.

Shizune would probably be a better option. Yeah, I think I’ll ask her. Or ask Misha to ask her for me. Wow, that’ll be an awkward conversation, but she’ll probably have something good to tell me. I only hope that what Rin and I did wasn’t against school regulations…

I think I’ll ask Lilly, too. Even if it’s only to have two different opinions. She’s probably the most mature person I know. And I’d be good to not have her judging me with her eyes.

That settles it. Tomorrow I’ll go talk with Shizune, and then with Lilly. My mind set, I bend lightly, pressing my lips softly on the mop of red hair resting on my chest.

“Look at this mess you’ve put me in,” I tell her with a small smile. Damn, I really was doomed from day one.

To be continued.
Last edited by Sperance on Mon Feb 21, 2011 6:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

Devon
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by Devon » Sun Feb 20, 2011 4:29 am

Excellent! /Bill&Ted

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Feb 20, 2011 4:39 am

I like this one the best yet, but I think Shizune is an amazingly stupid choicefor relationship advice...

Oh and:
At first… At first it was nothing more than that,...

And don't belittle your grasp of the english language. It is excellent.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Leotrak
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by Leotrak » Sun Feb 20, 2011 8:55 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:I like this one the best yet, but I think Shizune is an amazingly stupid choicefor relationship advice...
Very much this :P

Hisao's "well, fuck" moment wins points towards being the best timed line in fanfics across this board, IMO :D
"ice-cream-flavoured ice-cream" -Rin
"oh moe is me" -me
Numbered Days, my first piece of fanfic
Leotrak's Library, my other depository of written stuffs
Before: Hanako>/=Emi>Rin>Lilly>Shizune
After: Emi>Rin>Hanako>Lilly>>>>>>>>>>>Shizune

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ChaoticGrowth
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by ChaoticGrowth » Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:34 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:And don't belittle your grasp of the english language. It is excellent.
This is the truth.

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Re: Little Pieces

Post by Wan-wanniche » Tue Feb 22, 2011 7:38 pm

This story is full of win.
Rin takes an unexpected lead in the updated polls.
Surprised? a little
Is this unexpected? Have you met Rin:)?
Expect the unexpected. lol

AgentPenn

Re: Little Pieces

Post by AgentPenn » Sat Mar 05, 2011 1:06 pm

This is a great story man please don't leave us hanging here. Can't wait to see the reactions and the advice Shizune and Lilly give Hisao.

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Re: Little Pieces

Post by bradpara » Sun Mar 06, 2011 10:31 pm

This is why FWB never works
Shizune=Hanako>Lilly>Emi=Rin
Family Game Night A Shizune After Story Fic
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RedSavant
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by RedSavant » Mon Mar 07, 2011 12:37 am

Oh, man. Can't wait to see where this goes. As usual, Sperance, your writing is worth the wait.

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Sperance
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Re: Little Pieces

Post by Sperance » Mon Mar 07, 2011 7:33 am

I'm sorry for taking this long in writting part two. I'm just trying not to make it too clichéd, but damn it's hard. Still, I'll probably have it completed this week or the first days of the next one. Thanks for your patience!

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