Little Pieces

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
Sperance
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 11, 2011 7:33 am
Location: Off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz

Little Pieces

Post by Sperance » Sat Feb 12, 2011 9:29 pm

Welp, here’s my first piece of fiction. I hope you like it. I plan to make one for each path, and one for Hisao, so it’ll be six pieces in total. Also, most of them are already defined in my head, except the one for Lilly. So I’m accepting ideas for that one.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RIN

Misty

The night was quite warm when I stepped out of the building, holding the door open so Rin could cross it as well. It made sense, though, as summer break was near. The both of us walked in silence as the sun began its downward movement. I hesitated for a moment and stopped, eyeing one of the trees under the light. With a calculating nod, I took a digital camera from my bag and snapped a picture of it, looked at the resulting picture in the small screen and smiled in satisfaction. Perfect. When I looked toward my companion I discovered that she, as always, had continued walking. Biting back a curse I tried to catch her, but she had reached her destination before I even came near her. With a fluent contortion she let her own bag fall on the floor, and sat down.

When I finally managed to get to her, I took a moment to appreciate the mural painted on the wall. The paint was starting to show some wear, making the impression the drawing was older than it actually was. As always, I entertained the idea of snapping a picture of it with Rin sitting on the stairs that marked its end. As always I wrestled that thought to submission. I was painfully aware that nothing good would come from that direction. And, as always, I sat down beside her and let my eyes drift the sky, thinking.

This was our routine, almost since the first day I had actually gone to the art club with the intention of joining. We would sit in that room longer than anyone, her with her painting and me with my photos, until the sun began to set. Then, we would walk to this mural, sit down besides it and let the hours before night go by. Sometimes we would talk, but most days we would just sit and think, enveloped by a silence that became more and more comfortable with time.

“Are you going to use that tree?” she said. I shrugged.

“I’m not sure. I took a picture, but I don’t think I have a place for it”

“But it felt adequate.”

I nodded. That’s why I had taken the picture, after all. It was something that dated back to when I wanted to join the club, when that fat bastard Nomiya found out I couldn’t actually draw to save my life. I also wasn’t a very good sculptor. He probably wouldn’t have minded if I hadn’t been… What was the word he used? Yes, ‘polluting’, his best student. That is, Rin. He didn’t want me near her. I know why, mind you. I’m onto him, that dirty ass.

Back to the topic at hand, I wasn’t a painter or a sculptor, but almost by chance I discovered something I was good at: composition. I would take photographs and distribute them on the paper, making collages out of hundreds of pictures. The first time I made one and took it to Nomiya, he looked at me like he wanted to destroy me on the spot, but now had nothing against me. ‘Life expectancy’ was proof that, while not conventional, I was some kind of artist, the whole club agreed. I should be allowed to ‘develop my talent’. Ha, in your face! It took me a while discover why I had fought like that to enter some club that I wasn’t even that interested in, though.

Faithful to her routine, Rin took off her shoes, stretching her toes. As always, she wasn’t wearing any socks. She never told me why, but I assumed it was handy for her, who used the feet for everything. She caught me looking at them and raised her right one, putting it in front of my face with great flexibility.

“Do you like them so much?” she asked, wriggling her toes playfully. I smiled, knowing now better than to fall for that.

“I’m more interested on how well you can bend. It gives me some ideas.”

She gave me that lecherous grin of hers, the one she used when teasing me, put her foot back down and said nothing else. Time passed and the shadows around us elongated and the sun disappeared. Cautiously, I threw a gaze at her and wanting to smack my head for doing so. But I couldn’t help myself. While pretty cute, she was average looking, I knew that. I had met my fair share of more attractive looking women in this school, but Rin… It was something in her eyes. They were hypnotic, or something. What was I talking about? I averted my eyes before she caught me and cursed mentally. Really, I was acting like some teenager with a crush! …Which I suppose I was, but that’s beside the point. The sun was almost gone.

“Blue, rabbit, painting, Hisao,” Rin said out of the blue “Pizza, window, Hisao, sky. Class, Hisao, picture, Emi.” She frowned “It bothers me.”

It took me a few seconds to process what she was talking about.

“Your four thoughts today?” I asked.

“Today. And yesterday. And the last week. And the one before that,” her frown deepened before repeating “It bothers me.”

“Why?”

Of course, like almost every time I asked a direct question, I got no answer. She just sat there, wriggling her toes and looking pretty angry.

“Like an earwig that got in my ear, only without the drilling a hole in my eardrum thing. Then it goes into my brain and gives me a headache, only it doesn’t actually hurts. Or yes. I’m not sure.”

“I’m giving you a headache? Because I was in your thoughts?” I asked. It’s not funny. Not at all and she’s confusing me. More than usual.

“Yes. No. I think so, maybe.”

“Do you want me to leave?” I asked. I think I wasn’t sure what I wanted her to answer. This conversation was making me uncomfortable but, at the same time, I dared to hope.

“I like that you’re here,” she said, shaking her head “I told you that.”

“That you did”

Again, we fell silent, the darkness around us growing. I think this is the latest we’ve been in this spot since the festival, when she fell asleep against me. I was surprised to see that Rin seemed actually somewhat uncomfortable, her naked feet never stopping their movement.

“You’ve wiped my butt” she said, finally.

It was true. I’m not sure when but one day she said she had to go to the toilet and added that our relationship was already on the level where I could help her with that. It was incredibly awkward for me. And it wasn’t the last time. That was when I knew I was in love with her. That’s the acid test: wip your loved one’s butt. Can you say you still love her-slash-him? Then you’re in love. Dirty and smelly but efficient nonetheless. You should try it.

“I’ve known you for less than three months” she added, which was also true “You shouldn’t be there. You’re not that interesting”

“Geez, thanks”

“You’re welcome, though I don’t know why thank me,” she continued “You’re not that handsome nor that funny. And your problem is boring.”

“You really shouldn’t slap that in my face, Rin.”

“I haven’t…”

“You know what I meant” I growled. I was angry, and she was being cruel. This… This was my fault, dammit. For getting my hopes up “If I bother you so much, maybe I should just leave. Why hang out with me if I’m so boring?”

“I don’t know!” she replied “Haven’t you been listening?”

Okay, I’m done here, I thought. I’m getting the fuck out of here. Her voice stopped me from getting up, though.

“I talked to Emi about that the other day.”

“Is that so?” I grumbled. I wasn’t in the mood for more explanations. It was dark, I was hurt and she didn’t even fucking notice that.

“She squealed like a squirrel when I told her that. Is that the word? Do squirrels squeal?”

“Who cares?”

She frowned at my answer, not expecting it. So like Rin, not noticing what was just in front of her face.

“She had this stupid idea. Something ridiculous.”

“What was it?” I asked, eager for her to just shut up and let me wallow in my own misery.

“She thinks I’m in love. With you, not a squirrel.”

Okay, I thought. I’ll leave the wallowing for later.

“What?”

“Me. In love. With you. Stupid, right? Absolutely ridiculou.s”

I recognize my answer wasn’t probably the best one, but you have to cut me some slack. I was desperate, and willing to take anything. I was a teenager in love, seeing my possibly last chance slip before in even became a real chance at all.

“Of course it is” I said “As ridiculous and stupid as the notion of me falling for you.”

She was hurt, I could tell. What I had just said had hurt her, even if she wasn’t sure why. Keep pressing, I thought.

“I mean, you’re not that attractive, either. And half the time I just don’t know what you’re talking about. For me to be in love with you, that’s stupid and ridiculous.”

Ouch. Her face at that moment almost gave me an episode. Ouch, ouch.

“But” I continued, swallowing the lump that my throat had become “You know what else is stupid? The fact that, if you kicked me in the chest, I could die. And the fact that you’re an artist without arms is utterly ridiculous.”

She tilted her head, hurt and now confused, too. Hah, go me. I confused the most confusing girl in the world. High five.

“What I’m trying to say is… The fact that something is stupid doesn’t mean it can’t be real. Something ridiculous can also be true, right?”

She blinked, her brain making the connection.

“I guess. Yeah, you’re probably right. What you said makes sense.”

“Of course it does. Because it’s true.”

We said nothing else for some minutes, and I finally broke the silence.

“I said I love you,” somehow, I felt the need to clarify. Just in case.

Rin laughed, a lovely sound that left her mouth so rarely.

“Just kiss me already”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, what do you think? Terrible? Horrible? Let me know!

EDIT: Edited some minor mistakes, hopefully now is better
Last edited by Sperance on Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:44 am, edited 4 times in total.

User avatar
AapoAlas
Posts: 93
Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 5:35 am
Location: Finland

Re: Little Pieces

Post by AapoAlas » Sun Feb 13, 2011 3:53 am

I quite like it.

... I also think that was quite an understatement.

Lovely use of small side steps, just the right length to tell a good tale but not end up boring. You've also managed to bring Rin's way of dialogue onto Hisao's lips, something I've never even thought of, and you've done it quite well.

You deserve and applause. And a kiss.
Nothing to be seen here. Do check out my little dabbling in the art of words, though.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5992
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Little Pieces

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Feb 13, 2011 6:14 am

I think it is very good.
You captured both characters quite well and I like your writing style.
A few minor nitpicks:
- "the sun began his downward movement" should be "its"
- some instances of present tense in an otherwise past tense story:
"And, as always, I sit down beside her and let my eyes drift the sky,"
"Which I suppose I am, but that’s beside the point."

Looking forward to the next chapters.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
kosherbacon
Posts: 903
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:30 pm
Location: San Jose, CA, USA
Contact:

Re: Little Pieces

Post by kosherbacon » Sun Feb 13, 2011 6:22 am

That was hella good. Thanks for sharing.

The sun thing didn't bother me. People give celestial bodies genders all the time.

User avatar
Leotrak
Posts: 589
Joined: Sun May 23, 2010 5:49 pm
Location: Your Mind, Slowly Nibbling away your Sanity
Contact:

Re: Little Pieces

Post by Leotrak » Sun Feb 13, 2011 7:05 am

Habit of yours, isn't it, bacon? :P

Brilliant story, right here ^_^ I'm looking forward to what else you may have in store for us :)
"ice-cream-flavoured ice-cream" -Rin
"oh moe is me" -me
Numbered Days, my first piece of fanfic
Leotrak's Library, my other depository of written stuffs
Before: Hanako>/=Emi>Rin>Lilly>Shizune
After: Emi>Rin>Hanako>Lilly>>>>>>>>>>>Shizune

User avatar
ChaoticGrowth
Posts: 36
Joined: Tue Jan 18, 2011 11:33 pm
Location: Not standing behind you. Probably.

Re: Little Pieces

Post by ChaoticGrowth » Sun Feb 13, 2011 2:13 pm

That was really good; I enjoyed it.

I do believe this is a typo:
Sperance wrote:That’s the acid test: whip your loved one’s butt.
Unless that's what you meant. Haha.

In any case, I'm really looking forward to see what else you produce. :D

Devon
Posts: 56
Joined: Tue Jul 27, 2010 7:27 pm
Location: California

Re: Little Pieces

Post by Devon » Mon Feb 14, 2011 3:13 am

Nothing but good work. :D

User avatar
RedSavant
Posts: 27
Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2011 3:18 am

Re: Little Pieces

Post by RedSavant » Mon Feb 14, 2011 3:32 am

Good stuff, good stuff! I'm looking forward to the other pieces with great expectation.

One thing I have to say, though: in dialogue, you still have to use punctuation, even if it's not a question mark or exclamation mark. Like so:
“Are you going to use that tree?” she said. I shrugged.

“I’m not sure. I took a picture, but I don’t think I have a place for it”

“But it felt adequate”

I nodded. That’s why I had taken the picture, after all.
Should be
“Are you going to use that tree?” she said. I shrugged.

“I’m not sure. I took a picture, but I don’t think I have a place for it.”

“But it felt adequate.”

I nodded. That’s why I had taken the picture, after all.
And things like this block here here:
“Blue, rabbit, painting, Hisao,” Rin said out of the blue “Pizza, window, Hisao, sky. Class, Hisao, picture, Emi,” she frowned “It bothers me"
should be like:
“Blue, rabbit, painting, Hisao,” Rin said out of the blue. “Pizza, window, Hisao, sky. Class, Hisao, picture, Emi." She frowned. “It bothers me."

User avatar
Sperance
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 11, 2011 7:33 am
Location: Off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz

Re: Little Pieces

Post by Sperance » Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:49 am

I’m glad you guys liked the previous one! Now I’m scared to future instalments won’t appeal to you as much… Still, here’s the next entry, starring our favourite shrinking violet, Hanako!

This one is much shorter, but I felt that making it as long as the previous one would defeat its purpose. I hope you enjoy it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

HANAKO

Words to be spoken

I know she’s looking at me, even if my gaze is glued to the ceiling. This… This isn’t what I envisioned when I confessed. This strange awkwardness that creeps into me and I’m powerless to stop it. I also know that it’s my fault, for ignoring so blatantly what she’s trying to say without words. What she’s been trying to say since the first time she took off her clothes in front of me. What she wants me to say.

I turn my gaze to my right and, as I suspected, she’s looking in my direction, her long hair hiding the scars on the skin of her face, but I can see her scarred right arm as she lies on her side, her only visible eye looking at me with longing and fear.

I love Hanako. I love her so much it hurts. I despise the fact that she’s here, in this academy, despite having nothing wrong with her. She’s been forced to attend this school because the outside world would mock her misfortune and her fragile ego wouldn’t be able to take it. And I hate myself because, deep inside, I’m glad she’s here. I’m glad because I was able to meet her and fall for her. She’s been a beacon of light in a life I thought lost forever.

Her eyes show fear. She’s scared that I would one day decide I’m too good for her and leave her. How silly. ‘Why would you think that?’ I’d like to ask, but I know the answer to that question. She’s scared because I so stubbornly refuse to say what she wants to hear. But I have my reasons to not say it. Powerful ones.

I chuckle inside my head. What would Lilly say if she found out about this situation? She always told me to be honest with her. That was the only thing she asked from me: to always be honest with Hanako.

I… I guess I’m not doing a good job. This can’t be healthy for our relationship. The strain has been growing for weeks and it could destroy us. I’ve been thinking for days, searching for a way to put my thought in words gentle enough for her. And I’ve failed, probably because there is no way to put this gently. I move my hand, covering hers gently. She shifts slightly, still not completely comfortable with physical contact. She’s given me so much… The least she deserves is the truth.

“I know what you want me to say,” I tell her. “You want me to say they’re not a big deal. You want to hear you’re still beautiful despite them, don’t you?”

She averts her gaze, giving me and almost invisible nod. Of course. And I probably couldn’t have worded that in a worse way.

“I won’t,” I continue. And there it is. I’ve officially become an asshole. Yay. To confirm it, Hanako’s only visible eye waters, her worst fears confirmed. I don’t want her. She’s too ugly, too broken for me to be interested in her. Now that I’ve seen the extent of her scarring, I can’t bear to be near her. I’ve only lasted these weeks out of pity. I can see the thought forming in that little head of hers.

“They’re here,” I say, feeling worse and worse as I talk, but this has to be said. This is the only way this’ll last “And they bother you. You want to hear you’re desirable despite them.”

She doesn’t say anything, nor move, the only proof she’s hearing me the light shaking of her body and her ragged breath. God, I feel like the worst person in the world.

“I won’t say those things, but I want you to hear why.”

I don’t wait for her permission. This is hard enough as it is.

“If… if I said they’re not that big of a deal, that would mean they are an issue, just not much of one. If I said you’re still beautiful, that would mean there’s something to be beautiful despite.”

I close my eyes and inhale deeply. This sounded less corny in my head.

“They’re a part of you; a part of what makes Hanako, Hanako. To say those things, would be the same as me saying I love you despite having dark hair. Your scars are Hanako, as you shyness is Hanako, and your dark hair is Hanako. I can’t love you despite them, because I love them. Because I love you. They’re not a big deal, because they are not a deal at all. I don’t think of you and your scars as two separate things. They’re a part of you, and I love them for that.”

I fall silent, then, Hanako staring at me. At least her eyes are not watering anymore.

“I… I don’t know if I said it like I intended,” I stutter. “I get the feeling it was just a bunch of gibberish.”

Hanako shakes her head and speaks for the first time.

“N-no… I think I understand what you mean…” she says softly. I smile at her.

“I’m glad to hear that. I was scared you wouldn’t understand.”

“I- I’m sorry…” she begins, but I cut her off.

“It was my fault. I should have said this the very first day.”

Hanako just nods. I know she wants to say something else, but I also know she won’t. Today we took a big step, but the road is long. But I’m glad I’ll be walking it with Hanako.

“I love you,” I tell her, my thumbs caressing her small hand. “You know that.”

She nods, her face red as a tomato.

“M-me too…”

As long as I can be honest with each other, we’ll be just fine. I know it.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The fluff! It burns! Well, this one is actually based on a true story. I hate it when people tell me I’m attractive ‘despite’ having some scars.

Well, I hope you liked it! Also, was it too short?

EDIT- Gianormous edit to stop making your eyes bleed, and thanks for pointing out the mistakes.
Last edited by Sperance on Tue Feb 15, 2011 5:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Leotrak
Posts: 589
Joined: Sun May 23, 2010 5:49 pm
Location: Your Mind, Slowly Nibbling away your Sanity
Contact:

Re: Little Pieces

Post by Leotrak » Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:02 am

Short, but sweet as sugar :3 Nice job ^_^ Few minor nitpicks here and there, but too lazy to point them out right now... ">_>
"ice-cream-flavoured ice-cream" -Rin
"oh moe is me" -me
Numbered Days, my first piece of fanfic
Leotrak's Library, my other depository of written stuffs
Before: Hanako>/=Emi>Rin>Lilly>Shizune
After: Emi>Rin>Hanako>Lilly>>>>>>>>>>>Shizune

User avatar
AapoAlas
Posts: 93
Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 5:35 am
Location: Finland

Re: Little Pieces

Post by AapoAlas » Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:30 am

Take two steps backward. Exhale deeply. Take a deep breath. Forgot your wrote this.

Then re-read it. You should notice quite a few spelling errors and / or missing words. Well, maybe not quite a few, but some.

Otherwise very nice, as a short scene. Can't say I absoballutely love this kind of over-romance stuff... Well, I suppose I do, I just don't fancy Hanako that much, I guess. Anyhow, a good read. Would be very nice to read a longer story telling the steps _up to_ this point, that's where the tension would / should rise from.
Nothing to be seen here. Do check out my little dabbling in the art of words, though.

User avatar
Sperance
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Feb 11, 2011 7:33 am
Location: Off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz

Re: Little Pieces

Post by Sperance » Mon Feb 14, 2011 4:29 pm

Buff... Now that I've re-read the Hanako one, I realize I've made a pretty bad job with it: it's too short, too sappy and lacks a real drive. I'm sorry for those that expected more, but I think I'll change the nature of this pieces, and I'll focus for some time to make only snippets (most of them short) about Hisao and Rin. Why? Basically, beacuse the Rin path is the one I've replayed the most, and I have a better hang of the dynamics than the others. Until I catch up with the rest of the paths, I don't feel confident in writting about them and I'd rather be able to write quality pieces than offend your eyes again. Those snippets with what I'm familiar'll help me to get more experience, too. As I'm Spanish, all experience using grammar and vocabulary is invaluable. Thanks a lot for understanding

PD- Sooo... If I wished for someone to proofread these things, to whom I have to ask?

User avatar
RedSavant
Posts: 27
Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2011 3:18 am

Re: Little Pieces

Post by RedSavant » Mon Feb 14, 2011 5:19 pm

You'll find no shortage of proofreaders here, I think. Heck, I'd be glad to help out if you want a beta reader.

User avatar
kosherbacon
Posts: 903
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:30 pm
Location: San Jose, CA, USA
Contact:

Re: Little Pieces

Post by kosherbacon » Mon Feb 14, 2011 5:41 pm

For what it's worth, I didn't have any problem with the length. It still came off reading like you said what you wanted to.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5992
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Little Pieces

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Feb 14, 2011 6:27 pm

I think the length was perfect for the story.

Your first story was very good spelling-wise, so I guess you could have avoided most of the mistakes in the second one by giving it a once-over yourself like Aapo suggested, but if you need a proofreader just send me a PM.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Post Reply