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Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:54 pm
by Mirage_GSM
I know it's not exactly FanFiction, but This board is probably still the best fit...
So, this is an idea that has been going round and round in my head for some time now: What if KS was written in iambic pentameter?
Obviously that style is not practical for a visual novel, but just now I was reminded of that idea and just had to get it out of my system...
So now at almost 4 o'clock in the morning, after about 90 minutes of rhyming and rearranging words, I give you the intro scene of Katawa Shoujo "Out Cold":

The twigs do shake above in bitter gale.
In summertime do lovers here convene.
Beneath a roof of green they walk the trail,
By faculty and classmates never seen.

But now that winter's end is drawing nigh,
The trees are bare, the rustling twigs are gray.
To cold-numbed hands my breath I do apply,
And rub them so the numbness goes away.

My wait seems an eternity of time,
The missive said to meet out here at four.
The note I found in science books of mine.
Hid there I'm sure, while I was out the door.

To pass a note like this seems a cliché.
To hide it in a locker more my style.
Initiative though does this mode display.
The snow's been falling thickly for awhile.

The silent snowflakes from the whiteish sky,
The ceaseless flow of time they do betray.
Though slowly as they fall down from up high,
It seems that sluggishly it moves it's way.

Someone is drawing near me from behind.
I'm startled by the rustling of dry snow.
"Hisao? Glad I am you here to find."
This timid voice I in an instant know.

My heart for joy it wants to skip a beat.
How often have I listened to this voice?
Just from afar, ne'er daring her to greet.
I turn to her, my heart wants to rejoice.

"T'is Iwanako? That note was from you?"
Forsooth, that line was feeble. It's the best
That hours and hours of planning could accrue?
If that's the case then I should be depressed.

"Indeed, a friend delivered you the note,
And glad I am the missive you received."
Her shy and joyous smile constricts my throat.
I am so tense, no movement is achieved.

My pounding heart is trying to leave my chest
And claim this precious girl to call my own.
My mouth does stumble, feelings not expressed.
Up in the trees, the winter winds do moan.

She flinches slightly in the gust of wind.
Her eyes meet mine, her fingers play her hair.
Of newfound confidence I see a hint.
My heart is racing, drives me to despair.
It's beating louder now, my throat is tight.
I couldn't force a word out if I tried.

"For you to love me, that is my desire."
I stand stockstill, save for my pounding heart.
My vocal cords feel like they are on fire.
I long to answer, but my voice won't start.

"Hisao? Did you hear? Are you okay?"
I rub my throat and pain flows though my arm.
I freeze, and terror do my eyes display.
She screams my name and raises the alarm.

My knees go weak my world does fade to dark.
The beating in my chest apruptly stops.
My last view bare tree branches in the park.
She runs for help and then my curtain drops.

I might give those lines a once over later, when I'm more awake. Feel free to offer suggestions ;-)
Fixed a typo and changed a few things.
One line in Hexameter slipped in (two syllables too many) - fixed that as well.

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2010 11:59 pm
by Sgt_Frog
this reminds me of that one fanfic a little while back about Hisao and the girls organizing a play. Lilly, in particular, would most likely enjoy such things as Shakespeare. Rin might...

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 3:34 am
by AapoAlas
Hmm, not bad. Not bad at all.

I must say that there were quite a few lines that somehow bothered my ear, but that might just be the way you used rhymes, 1 and 3, 2 and 4 instead of 1 and 2, 3 and 4 or 1 and 4, 2 and 3 which I am more familiar with.
Also I'm not quite sure if this is actually lambic pentameter, but might be just me being really bad with finding the stressed and unstressed syllables.

Anyhow, very nice. There's probably a lot that could be done to it to make it even better, but it's very much fine already.

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 5:09 am
by Mirage_GSM
I tried to keep the rhyme scheme to "ABAB", and except for one stanza that is "ABABCC" it worked.
The rhyme scheme doesn't affect, whether a poem is considered iambic pentameter, though. I'd have used "AABB" or ABBA" schemes as well if it had been necessary. I just think a poem is easier to read, if the rhyme scheme stays consistent throughout.
One line ("My pounding heart is trying to leave my chest") needs the "Trying" to be read as a single syllable. Apart from that, the iambs should be apparent.

Anyway there are a few lines, I'm still not happy with, i.e. "Indeed, a friend delivered you the note", but I haven't been able to come up with anything better yet...

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:33 am
by Silentcook



Geoffrey Chaucer, move over.

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 8:39 pm
by elk9
Well, that was interesting and very different from what I usually see in this forum.
I can say I enjoyed it!

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:13 am
by Devon
OP gains +1 Internet.

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 3:28 am
by whiteflags
I used to write poetry, and I have no idea if I actually read it correctly most of the time.

But what we have here is pretty.

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 9:45 pm
by kulkukan
Not the best, you could equalize the syllables in each stanza a bit more, but other than that you're golden ponyboy.

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 4:20 am
by Mirage_GSM
What do you mean by "equalize"?
If you could give me an example, I'll try to keep it in mind when I do chapter 2.

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:45 pm
by Mirage_GSM
I finally got off my lazy behind and translated the second introduction chapter "Bundle of Hisao" to Iambic Pentameter.
Hope I got the syllable count right everywhere this time^^°
At the moment I don't plan to do any further chapters for this, because as dialogue becomes more prevalent it gets harder to write in this format. You never know though... It's really fun 8)

Chapter 2 - Bundle of Hisao

My heart attack was four long months ago.
Since then a hospital was my domain.
With nothing else to do the time runs slow.
I asked to leave this chamber but in vain.

Of my condition, I was made aware:
Arrhythmia, a strange and foreign word.
An illness of the heart, it is quite rare,
And sometimes fatal, or so I have heard.

I must have had it since I was quite small.
A blessing to have lived without a care
Up until now - A blessing? I declare,
Much rather I'd not suffer it at all!

My parents took a harder hit than I
Too suddenly the news did they receive.
My father felt a heart attack was nigh,
My mother falling silent in her grief.

Prepared they were to give all for a cure.
Because my state was found out way too late
There isn't one, the illness too obscure.
Now in this room salvation I await.

I felt like I was missed when I arrived,
My room with flowers and with cards was filled.
My teacher as a project this contrived.
Not long it was till tide of gifts was stilled.

T'was Iwanako who among my friends
Kept visiting with genuine concern.
But awkward silence was our meet's contents,
And six weeks gone she never would return.

The hospital? It's quite a sad affair.
The staff are distanced, always on the run.
So many patients trusted to their care,
They cannot help it, but it is no fun.

In the beginning I did use to ask
The doctors when I finally could leave.
They stalled for time, their faces like a mask,
To see if treatments could provide relief.

I idly paid attention to my scar.
It slowly changed as all the time went by.
The doctors' stalling it was quite bizarre,
Still, there's a chance and that they don't deny.

At some point I stopped watching the TV,
I don't know why, perhaps it was a mood.
Instead I started reading with great glee,
And shortly a new hobby was pursued.

I worked my way through all books I could find.
One at a time, for time I had in spades.
I was addicted, but I could unwind
By reading all the stories and charades.

As days went by, new heights my woe did climb.
The weather and my book the only way
To tell apart the gooey mass of time.
What day it was ofttimes I could not say.

Though I tried hard to never show my grief
At times my hurt and pain were not denied.
I lay in silence waiting for relief,
Yet to this very day I never cried.

The doctor comes and greets me with a smile.
He seems excited, but his smile looks fake.
My parents, too, are staying for a while.
It looks as if they've got big news to break.

There is this ritual the doctor has.
He's sorting papers, thorough and precise.
A useless way of making time go past,
Then he sits down and looks me in the eyes.

"Hello, Hisao. How are you today?"
I do not answer, but I force a smile.
"You may soon leave us, but you must obey
These here precautions that I did compile."

"We have your medication sorted out."
He hands my father the prescription list.
His face turns ashen, eyes are frought with doubt.
I look it over and I get the gist.

I'm feeling numb, the list absurdly long,
The words, they mingle in a sea of black.
Dosages, side-effects... This must be wrong!
For all my life - there is no going back.

"For now this is the best that we can do,
But research's going on as we do speak.
As time goes by, this list may lose a few
of all these items. Outlook's not all bleak."
That's not what brings me peace of mind at all.
Silence, that would have been the better call.

"I've spoken with your parents. We believe
Your old school might not be the perfect choice."
"Say what?" Should home-schooling I now receive?
"Calm down!" My dad tries for a soothing voice.

"Your education is our highest goal,
And yet your illness warrants proper care.
You know your meds, they do not make you whole.
Your parent's think it'd be best to transfer."

"Yamaku is the name of your new school.
Disabled students find a haven there."
"Disabled? Am I…?"
"Please do keep your cool.
Around the clock, they for the students care."

"Also, a hospital's not far away.
Most students choose to live there in the dorm.
Just like a boarding school I heard them say.
So students there may live life like the norm."

I am enraged. A cripple school this is,
The care and hospital its selling point.
My dad he smiles that awkward smile of his,
And then the doctor's argument is joined.

"Of course you need not go if you refuse,
But Mum and I, we cannot teach you well.
We both went there the compound to peruse.
It's reputation does indeed excel." (Alt: And so my choice goes all the way to hell.)

"Your illness does not mean an early death.
One day, you'll need a job to pay your dues.
You think you'll get by? Do not hold your breath.
This opportunity do not refuse!"
Not opportunity this is I think
But an insult - he does not even blink.

"Don't you rejoice? You yearned to leave this place.
Return to school… I know it's not the same."
"What you imagine might not be the case.
To help the students live, that is their aim."

"Your father's right, quite famous is that school.
Alumni have gone on to do great things.
A peer of mine learned there, he is no fool.
Disabled people still can spread their wings."

Not being held back by a handicap?
The meaning of that word it does deny.
I had no choice, I was caught in a trap.
To 'normal life' I have to say good-bye.

I always thought I had a boring life,
But now I miss it, I want to protest.
Alas, there's nothing to be gained with strife.
So I stay silent, giving it a rest.

I look around the room, my rage is spent,
To leave this hospital at last is great.
Think positive until the very end.
It's hard, I will just have to see and wait.

To start with a clean slate is not too bad.
A thought to cling to - may it set me free.
My old life's over! I must not be sad.
A new life, it is beckoning to me.

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2011 1:58 pm
by GMKGoat
Never change, Mirage.

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 3:33 am
by Mirage_GSM
I don't consciously plan to, but I guess it's inevitable in the end ^^°
BTW, I seem to have infected a few people with my rhyming...

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2011 4:24 pm
by Mirage_GSM
Did a little something extra...
For all of you who want to get the full KS-Pentameter experience, just download the attached file, change the extension to ".rpyc" and copy it to the "game" folder in the KS Act1 directory. Of course you should backup the original "script-a1-monday.rpyc" first.
If you then set the game language to English and start a new game or select one of the first two chapters from the library, they should now rhyme. All changes can be unmade by simply copying the backup of the original file to the game folder.

Disclaimer: I don't see how doing this could mess up your install, game status or save games, but if you still manage to do so, I won't accept any responsibility.

Re: Katawa Shoujo - Pentameter style

Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2012 3:40 am
Mirage_GSM wrote: Disclaimer: I don't see how doing this could mess up your install, game status or save games, but if you still manage to do so, I won't accept any responsibility.
I suddenly feel the urge to never trust technology again.