From Shizune's Perspective

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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by trekki859 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 12:12 am

agian another necrobump, or not. its still on the front page so ohwell. but please do keep writing! i love this story! i wana see how that made emi so pissed maybe i just got absorbed in the story but it sounded reasonable.
in the wise words of Jack O'neill ..."what?"

Goldilurks
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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by Goldilurks » Thu Jan 27, 2011 2:15 am

All right, finally got a third chapter ready to show the editors. I've sent the last few editors PMs of offering; if anyone else wants to volunteer, let me know.

Several things are responsible for the immense delay, mostly a badly needed reworking of the story when I realized that it needed to be longer than I'd originally intended. Thus my trilogy is now a tetralogy. That's right, there'll be a fourth chapter after I post the third one. I also must note that this fic starts dealing with Mature material from this point on (Explicit sex in my fanfiction?...it's more likely than you'd think).

Also, now having seen the incredible delay that a relatively simple story revision causes to a fairly small piece of fanfiction, I can understand why KS took so long to develop. Devs, you have my sympathies. I have no idea, do I?
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Katawa Haha: Disability Mothers
From Shizune's Perspective: a fanfic

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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by Fuin » Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:39 am

Goldilurks wrote:I realized that it needed to be longer than I'd originally intended. Thus my trilogy is now a tetralogy. That's right, there'll be a fourth chapter after I post the third one.
Yeeessss...

Hats off for a very nice fanfic.

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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by RedSavant » Thu Jan 27, 2011 11:38 pm

Lurks, I'll be glad to help edit if you need someone else looking it over. Haven't written anything myself in ages, so it'll help me feel not-entirely-useless - and helping out such an entertaining project is a good way to contribute to the fandom!

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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by griffon8 » Thu Jan 27, 2011 11:57 pm

It's okay, I've got the next chapter in my inbox. I've read it and have started editing it.

Ah, more Shizune/Emi stuff. How could I resist shipping my two favorite characters? Not that it occurred to me to do so before Goldilurks did it…
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by Goldilurks » Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:37 am

griffon8 wrote:
Goldilurks wrote:Chapter III is ready for editing. Want it?
Is a bear Catholic?

Gimme!
Your PM actually made me lol really hard.

BTW, does anyone know a good insult a young lady would use to describe a bitch? "Bitch" is overused, "cunt" sounds like something a guy would say, and neither "slut" nor "whore" would fit since the intended deprecation has nothing to do with being sexually promiscuous.
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Katawa Haha: Disability Mothers
From Shizune's Perspective: a fanfic

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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by Silentcook » Fri Jan 28, 2011 11:51 am

Goldilurks wrote:BTW, does anyone know a good insult a young lady would use to describe a bitch?
"Cow"?
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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by Juno » Fri Jan 28, 2011 5:54 pm

Tramp.

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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by Shades of gray » Fri Jan 28, 2011 8:03 pm

Bitch Cow Tramp Slut Whore Freak

some of many many insults my ex used to throw out at other lasses she was mad at. Bitch was the most common
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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by griffon8 » Sat Jan 29, 2011 1:48 pm

Goldilurks wrote:
griffon8 wrote:
Goldilurks wrote:Chapter III is ready for editing. Want it?
Is a bear Catholic?

Gimme!
Your PM actually made me lol really hard.
The alternative was of course, "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by Goldilurks » Sat Jan 29, 2011 4:27 pm

Note: griffon8 pointed out that I've been writing as though Shizune and Misha shared a double room rather than the singles every other student seems to use. Call it artistic license; it doesn't interfere too much with established canon (I think) and isn't even that critical to this story anyways.

This chapter does contain sexual content. My editors didn't think it was too explicit, but I figured I should warn you.


———


“Was it really that bad?”

Shiina looked up from my cellphone for a second, and told me to wait. She was busy going through my text history. This would be the third time Shiina had read the texts, at my insistence. Tezuka read over her shoulder. They were seated cross-legged on the couch. I sat observing them intently from across the coffee table. If there was anyone else in the girls’ dorm common room at that time, I didn’t notice.

Tezuka’s mouth moved. Shiina quieted her with an impatient gesture; she hated being asked to do the interpreter role while her hands were occupied. After a minute or so longer, she put the cellphone down on the table and slid it across to me. “Well yeah, you were kinda out of line.”

“What did Tezuka say?”

“She wanted to know what you were asking. I told her to wait.”

“What’s her opinion on the messages?”

Her green eyes flitted back and forth between us as she spoke, her bored expression unchanging. “Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“It was really that bad.”

I felt a migraine coming on. Cornering Tezuka and asking for her feedback had seemed like a good idea at the time, but I was already starting to regret it. I was out of options. Emi had not returned my texts, nor was she willing to speak to Hisao about it, who felt increasingly uncomfortable as the party caught in between us. There was nothing for it; I’d stopped showing up in the morning, and without me dragging her Shiina had no reason to go. I had just as much right to feel insulted as Emi did, I maintained, so an apology was not happening. If she didn’t agree to the deal, then fine, but that did not justify treating me like that!

Of course, my refusal also meant that I was down to grilling her roommate for clarifications. By all accounts Tezuka was tough enough for speakers to understand. Every now and then she’d drop a gem that would leave Shiina so baffled she’d forget to translate, and I’d struggle to catch up as Shiina asked what the hell Tezuka meant by that, usually a fruitless line of inquiry. Well done, I congratulated myself. My plan of attack hinged on getting a straight answer out of Tezuka. What the hell was I thinking?

“Would you care to explain why?” I signed icily at her. “I’ve already admitted my tone was inappropriate, and I know my initial response to her first message was poorly – okay, now why are you giving me that look, Shiina?”

Tezuka lazily raised an eyebrow as Shiina explained the break in communication and responded to me. “Shicchan, I think she just wanted you to keep coming to the track, you know, as a friend.”

“I offered to come back to the runs and talk it over in person! Yes, keep translating, Tezuka can hear this. If my leaving was such a problem, she could have answered those texts!”

“No, that wasn’t it.”

“What? Then why did you suggest it earlier? How do you know?”

“I didn’t say that,” Shiina signed. “She did.”

I turned in the direction of Shiina’s pointing finger. I was definitely cracking; it had been a long time since I last failed to notice that Shiina was translating for someone else. Tezuka’s expression was unreadable, but she was watching me intently, head cocked to one side. “I did ask her to explain herself. Emi told you this?”

“No. She didn’t want to talk about it.”

“You didn’t hear any more from her?”

“I didn’t ask.”

“So why do you think my running or not running wasn’t the reason?”

“I’m her best friend, and Emi doesn’t ask me to go running with her.”

That migraine I had predicted earlier had arrived and made itself at home. “So you’re saying she didn’t want me running with her?”

“She did. She enjoyed having you guys there. But she could understand if you left. I’m saying that’s not the reason she’s mad.”


Closing Stretch
The third chapter in a Katawa Shoujo fanfic



“She could have had the decency to give a reason after eliminating our best guess.” I was in a foul temper by the time we got to bed. “She ‘just had a feeling’ that was not the reason. I wanted more than a ‘feeling’ out of that conversation, damn it! I was about ready to slug her.”

“Then maybe we shouldn’t have asked her of all people, Shicchan. I swear that bit at the end was a literal translation of her words.”

Shiina gave a shrug with that last one. We were sitting on the floor going over homework. I needed some nice frustrating calculus to improve my mood. “I believe you, Shiina. I can only imagine what she said earlier when you needed to reword.”

“When I needed to what?”

“You know, when she was telling you that she could not explain her hunch. You gave me a look and took nearly ten seconds to translate.”

“Oh, that? Actually to be honest, she wasn’t hard to understand,” Shiina confessed. “It’s just…I thought her choice of words might piss you off.”

“Her choice of words? … She said ‘I can’t put my finger on it’, didn’t she.”

“…Yes.”

“I am going to kill that ditzy bitch.”

“Shicchan!”

I realized I was getting frustrated and threw myself into the math with a renewed fury. At least numbers and formulas were straightforward and free of bullshit. After a while, Shiina started to fall behind and I slowed my pace through the work so she could grasp what I was doing. I noticed that she had begun chewing her lip, and put down my pencil to catch her attention. “Shiina, why are you nervous?”

“What do you mean, Shicchan?”

“Your lip. You only chew it during tests you think you’ll fail.”

“…You’re acting weird too, you know. You aren’t irritated that we haven’t finished the work by now.”

“The work is a welcome distraction,” I signed with a wry smile. “I actually would prefer we did not finish. But who says who is acting weird?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I am angry because of all this drama. I have an excuse. You have been acting weird ever since you got better from that fever. What happened to your back-talk, Shiina? You have been very timid around me lately.”

“You’ve been upset. It’d be kicking you while you were down.”

I looked archly at her over my glasses. “That didn’t stop you during my last rough spot.”

“In that case your ex was an evil whore, I was glad you broke up, and you were stupid for going after her in the first place, nice ass or no.”

“…Right on all counts. But you had the sense to bring on the tough love then. Besides, I signed ‘since you got better from that fever’. You began acting outright submissive towards me when you returned to running.”

“I was in a good mood! It was nice to get in shape. I liked having some physical activity.”

“Are you kidding me? You pissed and moaned every chance you got about the indignity of exercising regularly for a change, and now you’re telling me you liked it?”

I regretted the signs as soon as they hit my arms. Shiina’s eyes turned watery and she went still. “No. Wait. No. I’m sorry, Shiina,” I signed hastily, grimacing. “I didn’t mean that, really—oh, damn it. This is what I’m talking about. We both know when I’m being a bitch. Why do you put up with me when I’m like this?”

She took a deep breath. It was disturbing to see her chest move like that, slowly and without the familiar shake that told me she was laughing. “Because you’re my best friend, Shicchan, and I can tell when you’re hurting.” She took a second to preventively wipe tears from her eyes. I wanted to kick myself. “You see a fight in front of you and get very focused on it. I won’t hold it against you when you get frustrated and forget about everyone else.”

I did not sign a response for about ten seconds. I just looked at her. And then it hit me. “Focusing on—that’s it! I am an idiot! And you, Shiina, are a genius!”

“Well yes, Shicchan, you have been acting—wait, I’m a what now?”

“The track meet!” I signed enthusiastically. “She will be competing in the track meet the day after tomorrow! Of course she would not want to waste time putting up with me. She wanted no distractions from her training.”

Shiina was taken off guard by this new tack in the conversation. “Okay…you really think that’s it?”

“She was looking forward to this meet a lot. I remember she told me how this is one of the few events where Yamaku’s team competes against nondisabled students, and how Paralympics scouts could be there. Of course she would be nervous and not appreciate Council interference at this time.”

“I guess that makes sense. She told you she was worried?”

“Well no, but she’s a speaker, of course she would not mention it. They all assume you pick it up.” Shiina gave me a bit of an annoyed glare, and I shrugged apologetically. Inside, I was cheering to finally see her cross with me again. “No offense, Shiina, but it’s true. Even the friendliest speakers just keep secrets without meaning it. Case in point: Hisao. Am I wrong?”

Shiina conceded with a grimace. “Fair enough. So what do we do now?”

“Well, the important thing is to give her confidence about the track meet. As Student Council President, I cannot cost our school’s proud athletes a potential victory by compromising their morale. Therefore, we should show up to the track meet and…”

“…and…?”

“Well…we should…”

“Support her like friends do?” Shiina cut in, annoyed. “Say sorry for distracting her when she was preparing for a big event? Cheer her on and wish her the best, without any strings attached?”

“…sounds good,” I answered weakly. “Let’s go with that.”

“You can be utterly hopeless sometimes, Shicchan. But I’m glad to see you getting over this.”

“Well, it helps having a sensible Student Council Vice President around to set me straight. Do you forgive me?”

“Of course. Still friends, right?”

“Always.” I do not know if I deserved the hug that followed. She certainly did.

“Good to know. Though I have to ask, Shicchan: what was that just now with the keeping secrets thing? Don’t you trust your speaking friends? Me and Hisao?”

“You and Hisao are entirely different cases. Please don’t be mad.” I took a second to adjust my spectacles before I began to explain. “Hisao is not just a speaker, he is also a boy. I can expect poor judgment from him. To think I once considered him dating material! But enough of that. You, on the other hand, are my link to the speaking world. I would be running blind most of the time if it weren’t for you.” I took my glasses off and smiled at her. “I know I can trust you to keep me in the loop.”

She blushed and turned away from my smile. Maybe acting like my goal was still to get under her skirt had not been optimal. “Stop trying to embarrass me, Shicchan!” she signed, before picking her pencil back up and returning to the homework.



Hisao was impressed. “It’s really cool of you to be the bigger person here.”

“Don’t be patronizing,” I responded sharply.

“Nothing patronizing about it. I’m being honest.”

“Yes, but you told me so yesterday. Repeating yourself like that is condescending.”

I adjusted the magnetic shades on my glasses while Shiina relayed my complaint. The day of the track meet was brilliantly sunny, and on this way to the field it got right in our eyes. We had left class early to go into town and pick up some snacks before the meet started, and were almost back to the school. The other schools’ teams would not arrive by bus until a little after classes were over, and all competitors would have the chance to change and warm up before the meet began. We had time, but I intended to grab a front row seat.

“It’s worth saying twice. Besides, Misha thought you didn’t believe I meant it the first time and told me to – wait a second!”

I chuckled into my hand as Shiina gave Hisao a glare and a soft punch on the shoulder. He grinned and mouthed what looked like a cheeky apology. Shiina clearly didn’t buy it, but she was smiling anyways. It was impressive for Hisao to get the last word in there before changing topic with that jab at Shiina. I had missed this banter. Maybe things would clear up with Emi or they would not, I thought, but at least I’d managed to salvage my friendships here. That was worth almost anything.

Yesterday had been a trying wait. I had started about forty text messages to Emi informing her of my intent to see the meet, and scrapped each one as I could not get the tone to read right. They all came across as insincere or intimidating. Tezuka approved as much as Hisao of my intention, but when she offered to tell Emi I balked at the thought of my message getting mangled by the redhead’s mental processes. Hisao himself took offense at having to play message boy between us. In the end I decided on making it a surprise. I was still a bit anxious about Emi’s reaction, but I already felt better about my decision. Even apologizing, an act that usually galls me, had started to seem acceptable.

Emi’s total lack of communication still worried me, though. “You’re sure you couldn’t have asked her anything this morning?” I asked.

“She was running like hell when I got there and running like hell by the time I left. It was hard enough telling her not to tire herself out for the few seconds each lap that she was within shouting distance of me.” Hisao shook his head. “She’s taking this meet crazy seriously.”

“That fails to reassure.”

“Relax, Shicchan!”

“His lips moved. What did he say, Shiina?”

“Same thing! I say that you honestly wish her well and she’ll be able to tell that when she sees you there. Hicchan says Emi will be grateful for the support.”

“You think she will not hold a grudge.”

Hisao actually laughed at this. “I don’t think anyone could stay mad at you when you’re acting this adorably insecure.”

My cheeks warmed at the comment. Hisao’s smile, cocksure but sympathetic, didn’t help. Shiina was giving me an awkward look. Hold translation. “Did he just say that?”

“That’s what he said, Shicchan, but I don’t think he meant it like that. You’re acting like a puppy worried about offending Master.”

I adjusted my glasses to hide the blush a bit. Resume translation. “You’re patronizing me again. The punishment for such insolence is cellphone duty. Call up Tezuka and ask if she wants us to hold a seat for her.” He nodded as he pulled out his cellphone, still smirking as though he’d won the interaction. Which he had. I was not on my game, and they could tell.

We grabbed a spot on the benches and held a spot for Tezuka. They reported that she planned to show up in about fifteen minutes. Out-of-towners began to arrive, ostensibly to support the other teams. I was irritated by our school’s poor showing at first, but more Yamaku students and family began to wander over. To my surprise a local news crew appeared and began setting up. I asked Hisao and Tezuka to hold our seats and raced over with Shiina, only to find they weren’t interested in taking statements or interviews. Disappointing. I marched back to the stands, brainstorming furiously with Shiina over ways to increase the school’s media exposure. We took our seats, and were about to let Hisao in on our conversation when Emi appeared.

I recognized her hair immediately. She power walked onto the field, surrounded by the other track team runners. A few members of the school paper had run over to chat with them. To my surprise, given what Hisao had told me of her practice that morning, her posture showed no signs of fatigue. I suddenly felt very exposed there in the front row of the bleachers. The teams had gathered on the opposite side of the field where they began warming up under the coaches’ direction. I was about to suggest that we move up to a higher stand for a better view when she looked straight at us.

There was no avoiding her; she met my eyes across the track. What was the plan again? Unconditional support? Right. I waved hello. There was a moment’s pause, and then she broke into a visible smile and waved back. Movement in the corner of my eye tipped me off—the other three had also begun waving hello. Well then. Figures that she wouldn’t openly snub me with Rin and Hisao there.

And then she signed, “Wish me luck!”

I had to smile at that. She had yet to correct that bad habit with her wrist. “Good luck!” I signed back.

Shiina noticed my grin and gave me a nudge. “Did you see that?”

“Of course. I didn’t teach her those signs. You?”

“Me neither.”

The meet itself passed in a bit of a haze. Emi, of course, performed spectacularly. A few of the visiting schools had disabled athletes of their own, who competed in certain events. I didn’t care much for the crowd here; the parents were a bit too reassuring, too winning-isn’t-everything for my taste. But the athletes themselves were a joy to watch, and Emi did not disappoint.

The meet went on. Yamaku’s team came in second in the relay race, despite a fantastic performance by Emi, because of those other slackers and their poor times. I was pissed over that, though I had to admit Miura did better there than I’d expected. Shiina volunteered to raid the vending machines for more drinks when we ran out. They had a 100-m dash in which Emi wasn’t allowed to compete because of the unfair advantage her prosthetics gave her; Miura entered in her stead and came in third. Boring. It would have been much more interesting, I thought, if they let Emi enter with a handicap. Hisao left to use the bathroom. They had another 100-m dash for prosthetics wearers which Emi won handily. They began setting up the hurdles for the next event. Shiina poked me, having returned along with Hisao, and asked for a summary of the events so far. The non-disabled students had a race to themselves. I watched Emi as she took the opportunity for a break to massage her calves. Damn. Even across the field, that was a nice ass.

There were a few more events. The meet ended with a 500-m race, open to all. Emi came in first, though it was close. While she was shaking hands with the second place finisher, a track team captain from another school, I noticed that Shiina and Hisao were missing again. Tezuka was staring off into the sky; I had to poke her to get her attention. Thankfully, I’d remembered to bring the notepad. Do you know where Shiina and Hisao are now?

She shook her head. This was going to be annoying. When did they—no, how the hell would she answer that? I wrote a quick list of the last few events. During which of these events did they leave?

When I held the notepad up, she pointed—well, stump-gestured—to the 50-m and 200-m races. Why indicate two different – oh. So they’d left at different times. I thought on it. Those events had been quite a while ago. Hisao wouldn’t have needed to use the bathroom a second time, and if Shiina had to go, she would have asked me to join her. I looked over at Emi. The Yamaku track team had surrounded her, all congratulating her heartily on the last race. Tezuka was still looking at me.

I sighed and began writing. Thanks for your help. Tell Emi I will catch up with her as soon as I find where Shiina and Hisao went. She nodded, and began walking over to her friend. Emi still had not looked in our direction.

Crap. Where the hell was Shiina? I needed an interpreter. I quickly sent a text to my errant Student Council colleagues demanding to know where they were. When I looked back at Emi I noticed she was looking at me. Rin hadn’t reached her yet. Dang. This would be tricky.

“One second,” I signed at her. A look of confusion. No good; even if she knew that sign, she was probably too far away to understand me. I took out my cellphone and pointed at it with exaggerated motions. That got me a nod and a smile. Good. Rin was close enough to the crowd of wellwishers to start a conversation and explain what I was up to. I turned away, checking my cellphone. No message from the escapees yet.

First stop was the washrooms. The nearest ones were by the changerooms where I had gone before running not so long ago. There was a line up at the ladies’ room, of course. While waiting, I caught a text from Emi. rin told me theyr missing. u find em yet?

Not yet, I replied. I’ll text as soon as I do. Congratulations, btw. You were fantastic. I thought about asking the more obvious question, but decided against it.

Finally made it into the washroom. Shiina wasn’t there. This was irritating. I sent another irate text to those two as I ran to check the Student Council room next. By the time I was done Emi had sent me another message. Thanx!

I began walking to the Student Council room as I responded. NP. My chosen route took me closer to the school. Compared to the main school grounds, the school itself sat on a slight elevation that allowed me a good view of the surrounding area. I could see the crowds dispersing from the field, but no sign of that distinctive pink hair. My cellphone vibrated and I immediately flipped it open, expecting Shiina.

No, it was Emi again. the team is having pizza wanna join??? I smiled, partly to relieve the frustration, partly in amusement. We were conversing like our disagreement had never happened. As I began to type a response, she sent another message. Hisao n Misha cn come too.

I really wished that I had more of a route to the speaking world than just that damn cellphone.

I finished my response and sent it. Would love to join you. Isn’t pizza a little greasy for your standards? At this point I was on the right floor. I checked the Student Council room.

Nobody there.

No message from Shiina or Hisao on my phone.

I slammed the door to the Student Council room behind me and stomped off down the corridor. A first year in a wheelchair stared at me. I didn’t care. What the hell were they thinking? I had gripped my cellphone so tightly that it hurt when it began vibrating. Emi again. I let out a deep breath.

i asked for chikn instead of pepperoni but was outvoted. cn give in just this once.

I had to laugh a little at that. I didn’t need to get so angry over this. If they didn’t show up, I could just treat myself to their share of the pizza. Served them right for not answering their phones and making me worry. I decided the last place to check would be our room. I could drop off the bags we had used to carry our supplies, and if Shiina wasn’t there then there was no telling where she’d be found. As I marched to the dorms, I typed in one more text. Glad to see even you indulge. Where are we eating?

I made it to our floor when Emi’s reply hit my phone. in town coach is driving us there. c u in front of school in 30 mins? find them yet???

I took a moment to finish my reply. Yes and no. See you there. I hit 'Send' as I turned the handle and walked in on Shiina and Hisao fucking on my bed.

Shiina was straddling him naked; Hisao was lying on his back with his shirt undone and his pants around his ankles. She rode him vigorously, her pink curls undone in a tangled mess that bounced with every motion. Her back was to me; though I stood in his field of vision it was clear I didn’t catch his attention. For a few moments, I just stood there in shock as the rest of the Student Council kept humping. When they didn’t respond to my presence, I realized that I apparently had not made enough noise to distract them.

Well, that was that, wasn’t it?

I backed out of the door slowly, and closed it as softly as I could. I would like to say I had the presence of mind to attempt not making sound, but frankly I moved like that because the impact of the moment had stolen the strength from my arms. Turning away from the door, I began to walk. Where to I had no idea.

My cellphone vibrated again.

I began to run.





kosherbacon wrote:Oh, if only Hisao grew a pair, took command of his own life, and hooked up with his true love, Misha
All right, sure thing!
kosherbacon wrote:Oh, if only Hisao grew a pair, took command of his own life, and hooked up with his true love, Misha Kenji.
...oops. Curse you, habit of not reading until the end of the sentence, you have betrayed me again!

Many, many thanks to you all for your support, and special thanks to Mirage_GSM, griffon8, and Leotrak for polishing my writing.

I hope I can fit all I want to into the fourth chapter. This tetralogy might end up getting an epilogue on top. Geez.
Last edited by Goldilurks on Sat Mar 05, 2011 3:36 am, edited 5 times in total.
This one needs to lurk moar. This one lurks too much! Ahh, this one lurks juuuuust enuf.
Katawa Haha: Disability Mothers
From Shizune's Perspective: a fanfic

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Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by Leotrak » Sat Jan 29, 2011 7:43 pm

Well, sometimes epilogues will prove to be a necessity... ">_>
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Numbered Days, my first piece of fanfic
Leotrak's Library, my other depository of written stuffs
Before: Hanako>/=Emi>Rin>Lilly>Shizune
After: Emi>Rin>Hanako>Lilly>>>>>>>>>>>Shizune

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griffon8
Posts: 1116
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:47 pm
Location: Southeast Michigan, USA

Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by griffon8 » Sat Jan 29, 2011 10:01 pm

Hmph. Well, for the most part I was changing what kind of dashes you were using. Also, I thought it would be pretty obvious that Misha hated being bothered to translate while using her hands, so I had the third paragraph as:
Tezuka’s mouth moved. Shiina quieted her with an impatient gesture; she hated being asked to do the interpreter role while her hands were occupied. After a minute or so longer, she put the cellphone down on the table and slid it across to me. “Well yeah, you were kinda out of line.”
As for the dashes, I'd replace instances of ' - ' with '—'. That is, instead of 'space dash space', use 'M-dash'.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

Griffon8's Writing

Goldilurks
Posts: 279
Joined: Tue Aug 04, 2009 11:45 pm

Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by Goldilurks » Sat Jan 29, 2011 10:34 pm

Yes, that does look better. Done and done. Thanks again!
This one needs to lurk moar. This one lurks too much! Ahh, this one lurks juuuuust enuf.
Katawa Haha: Disability Mothers
From Shizune's Perspective: a fanfic

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griffon8
Posts: 1116
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:47 pm
Location: Southeast Michigan, USA

Re: From Shizune's Perspective

Post by griffon8 » Sat Jan 29, 2011 11:01 pm

Ah, I meant to eliminate the spaces; no spaces around the 'M-dashes'.

I'd also make new paragraph after 'Repeating yourself like that is condescending.'

Add a comma: And then she signed, “Wish me luck!”

(Hey, the curly quotes show up in my copy paste. I like them over the standard ' and ".)

Add quote marks: I hit ‘Send’ as I turned the handle

(I love how sudden the change in the story is right after that. :shock: )
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.

Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin

Griffon8's Writing

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