A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
Shadjrik
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 6:49 am

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Shadjrik » Wed May 05, 2010 8:49 pm

thanks everyone for your surrport sorry my enternet at home is dead and i could not get to a TGIF sooner thancks agien ands heres chapeter 2 un proof-read but hopfully enjoyable. i hope to have all other chapter proof-read by teacher before posting.

talking= ""
sign langue= --
sign talking= -""-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2: My first day of an understanding school

October 4, 07
5:28am

I had a dream that night. I dreamt that I was back home in a karate/kendo tournament. My entire family and friends watched as I blow through the completion. And then I saw her, the blind girl with the can. I instantly woke up just after that. Right before my alarm went off.

I got up and headed to the showers, then took a shower. After my shower I slowly made my way back to my room. I got into my room with no hassle again. I guess everyone’s still asleep

I decided to get dressed in the school uniform and my suit jacket. Then I headed out of my room and looked the door. Just as I do the room’s door next to mine flew open. I just stand there as another boy with what looks like a autumn scarf around his neck and thick glasses, runs out of the room and knocks on the door opposite room from his.

???: “Dude Hisao! Wake up man, it’s an emergency.” I wonder how this guy didn’t notice me see me. The door then opens up and another guy appears “Hisao I need another thousand yen.”

Hi: “DUDE!” this Hisao guy looks angry. “Are you trying to bankrupt me? What do you need it for now?!”

???: “I…” Hisao interrupts the scarf guy

HI: “And I swear to god you better not say it’s for pizza”

I chuckled at the comment then realized they know my existents now.

HI: “Ohhh hay you must be a new student.” Obviously changing the topic off the yen with the scarf guy. “My name is Hisao Naki.” He extends his right hand to shack mine.

Shad: “I’m Shad, Shadjrik.” I shake his hand with my left hand, not thinking about it being metal. He looks down at my hand after the shake then back at me.

HI: “Nice to meet you.” He said this with a smile. I get the feeling like he’s friendly to mostly everyone.

Shad: “Same here.” I wonder where the scarf guy disappeared to. “Well I got to go, I got here late last night and have yet to report to the front desk, so I’ll see yea later.” I break the handshake and leave.

I headed outside and look around then I headed to the main building

***
I get into the main building and head to the desk. The girl behind the desk looked up and said “Ohhh hello how may I help you?”

Shad: “Hi my name is Shadjrik.”

? Random Girl?: “Ahhh yes the new transfer student. You’ll be in class 3-3 with Mr. Muto. You should see the nurse after your classes are over.” She gives me my schedule

I take the schedule and nod to her. I turn around and started to explore the school. I came across the library and went inside. There were many books in here. Too many to look through right now. I’ll come back later.

That is if I remember where it is. My memory of things is bad.

I leave the library then headed to my class room. I think no ones in the main building yet. It’s very empty. Maybe I woke up too early. Oh well I always enjoy looking at the scenery in the morning anyways.

I stopped at the class room’s door and peered inside. I walked in lazily then looked around at what seems to be an empty room. I walk over to the window and looked out of it.

Someone came in and sat down without me noticing because when I jumped when I turned around. A girl with long dark purple hair and same colored eyes was sitting in a seat secluded from the others.

I felt myself staring at the ninja until she notices me staring. She apparently was reading because a book came out of nowhere and hid her face from me. I wanted to talk to her but felt myself unable to.

A few minutes go by as I sit in silence. Then I hear something just outside the door. I saw the long purple haired girl slouch down in her seat as the sound barged into the room. It was a girl with pink hair with drills at the end and gold eyes then another girl with short blue hair with glasses. She was apparently dragging Hisao by his arm.

They all stopped to look at me in confusion, as to who I am probably. Except Hisao he smiled and waved to me. The girl sings something to hisao, and hisao sings something back.

After a bit of singing, they come over to me and extend their right hands. My first impulse is the shake their hands, and I do so with my left hand. Again without me thinking.

Shad: “Hi my name’s Shadjrik, I just transferred.” They all look at my hand as I shack their hands then back to my face with a smile.

???: “I’m misha, and this is shiican but you can shizune.” Mute or deaf? That’s my question but I keep that to myself.
Mi: “WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” This makes me jump out of my seat.

HI: “Sorry she does that, a lot.” I give him a small nod and take my seat once more

They take their seats behind me. A few minutes later the rest of the class came into the room. The bell rings. The teachers late…… he walks in as casual as can be. It must be a common thing because no one complains.

The teacher takes a seat and starts shuffling through some papers. After that he looks up and notices an extra face among his class...me.

Muto: “Do you want to introduce yourself?” he asks in a plain tone.

I decide to stand up and walk to the front of the room. The teacher stares at me blankly as dose every other student in the class.

Shad: “Hello my name is Shadjrik, nice to me all of you.” I think about saying more but there’s not much more to tell. Instead the teacher nods me back to my seat. I go back to my seat as the teacher starts class.

***
The morning classes are slow I almost slept in science. The lunch bell rings and everyone races to the door as I sit back and watch. It’s not often you find entertainment like this in school. I pack my things up I notice the girl with the purple hair is still reading her book.

A part of me still wants to talk to her. Maybe I should. Even if she ignores me, at least I tried, right?

I decide to leave her alone as I walk out into the hall. I head towards the cafeteria with my lunch, and then I stopped for a second is saw “the roof” sing. I think the roof would be a good place for lunch.

I turn and head up the steps. On my way up I see a girl. She seems to have no arms, dark green eyes, and short maroon hair. She also seems to be wearing a boy’s uniform.

???: “Umm hello?” she says this just as I realize I’ve been starring again.

Shad: “Sorry.”

???: “What?”

Shad: “Never mind, umm why are you just standing there?”

???: “Well I can’t open the door.” She wiggles her armless arms. “So I guess I’m waiting.”

Shad: “Okay” I walk to the door and open it. The girl then walks through without saying anything. I follow her into the sunlight. As I look around, she goes to a location on the roof as I stay near the door and open my lunch.

After a few minutes go by. I get done with my lunch. Then another girl bursts through the door as hyper as they can get. This girl has blonde twin pig tails and popular green eyes. Then I notice her legs, two prostatic legs.

She runs to the other girl and gives her a lunch. I decide to lie down and also close my eyes. After a minute something blocks the light from my face. I slowly open my eyes to find two popular eyes staring into my green eyes.

???: “HELLO!!” she smiles, up close she’s actually kind of cute but she does look a bit like a child.

Shad: “Umm hi”

???: “my names Emi, what’s yours?”

Shad: “shad… Shadjrik”

Emi: “Ohhh cool name. So what brings you up here?”

???: “maybe he’s spying on us.” She’s says with a small smile and a plain voice.

Shad: “no I just thought I could use some fresh air and enjoy the view.” I sit up.

Emi: “Don’t mind Rin she has a unique way of thinking. So what do you like to do in your free time?”

Shad: “I train mostly” she seems to get excited about this.

Emi: “Really, do you like to run as well?”

I can only assume she wants a running partner. Maybe it’s a good idea. I mean it would help me have more speed. “Yea I guess so.”

Emi: “Good then you can run with me and Hisao in the morning, right?” she asks with the most exitedness I’ve seen in ages.

Shad: “Yea count me in.” she starts jumping up and down in excitement. I look over to rin, who is starring into the distance.

***

We talk a lot until the bell for lunch to end sounds. We walk back to our classes, well me and rin walk but emi runs. When I walk in, I see the purple hair girl isn’t in her seat. I take my seat just as class starts.

***

The rest of the classes where the same as the morning classes. But that girl never came back.

I try to not think about it as I start to leave.

As I’m about to step out the door, a hand appears on my shoulder. I turn around slowly. I see shizune holding me from moving. She starts with the sign language.

Shi: -Can you help us?-

Mi: “Can you…” I cut her off

Shad: -“Yea what is it?”- I signed it as well

Mi: -“you know sign language?”- Shizune asks this as well.

Shad: -“yea just a little”-

Shi: -okay that’s good, now we need to help us take these to student council room.- misha gives me two boxes full of papers.

I try to sign –sure okay, lead the way.- but I don’t know how well it came out.

Earthier way shizune carry’s one box and leads the way to the student council room. I follow with two boxes, and misha follows me with one box.

…..

We finally get to the room where we put the boxes down on one of the tables.

Shi: -Thank you Shadjrik-
Shad: -Your welcome, is there anything else you need help with?-

She thinks for a bit – Not unless you want to join the student council-

Shad: -No thanks, not today-

Shi: -Okay then. Thank you again.-

I wave as I walk out of the room.

I head out of the main building. It’s not that late.
Ohhh yea I was going to go to the library. I turn around and head to the library.

When I get inside the library I look around to find the fiction area. I find the area and chose some books. I look to the right of me and see an area with some being bags. In the area I see the mysterious purple haired girl.

I decide to walk over and talk to her. When I get close to her, she jumps a bit then hides her face behind her book. It was too late to hide, I saw, just for a moment, the scares on the right side of her face.

Just before I start talking, some guys came into the library and started to cause trouble.

The purple haired girl tries to hide from them. Maybe she thought she was invisible.

While they were causing trouble, the librarian ran up to them and tried to get them to leave. I snuck up to behind a bookcase to listen in.

Thug: “Listen lady, if we don’t find what where looking for , we will burn this place to the ground.” It was an empty threat, I could tell but both the librarian is frozen with fear and the purple haired girl audibly gasped.

Thug #2: “What was that?” Damn they heard her. I can now see that they were not students but thugs from outside of town. “Go check it out.” One of them says. I count at least three.

One leaves to where the now deadly afraid purple haired girl was. She sees me as I put my finger up to my lips and shhh silently to her.

When the guy is out of sight from the others I sneak up behind him.

Thug #3: “Hay it’s just a girl nothing to worry about.” He yells back to the others. “What should I do with her?”

Thug: “Knock her out cold we will burn her with the rest of the school.” They’re not going to burn the school to risky of getting caught. There just saying it to scare them.

Thug #2: “Okay.” He turns back to the girl who apparently was so scared that she looked like she could just keel over and die right there.

I tap the thugs shoulder when I get behind him. When he turns around, I punch him in the gut. When I do this, he lets out and audible grunt.

Thug: “Hay is everything ok?”

I throw the guy to where he will be seen by the others. I can hear the surprised because one of them says “what the hell?”. I whisper “stay here” to the girl.

She nods as I walk to take care of the other two.

Shad: “I suggest you guys leave.”

I glare at them as I come into view.

Thugs: “And if we refuse?”

I crack my right hands knuckles with my left for my answer.

One of the thugs, probably the leader, looks scared. “We will meet again! I guarantee it.” They pick their friend up and walked away.

The librarian goes to thank me but I stop her and turn back to the purple haired girl and walked over to her.

Shad: “hay are you okay?”

She jumps a little again and looks up at me and gives a small nod.

Shad: “Well that’s good, I was afraid you would have keeled over there.”

???: “t.t..Thank y.y..you.” is she scared of me? I can’t believe it.

Shad: “by the way my names Shadjrik…where in the same class.”

???: “H.H..H…Hanako”

Shad: “Well it’s nice to meet you Hanako.” I looked at my watch. “It’s getting late, I better be leaving now. That I should.” I walk to the door as I hear a faint “good bye and thank you.”

***

I get back to the dorm and head up to my room. After I check the time I go to the roof to train my skills.

(3 hours later)

I head back down stairs and go into my room. I plop down onto my bed and pull over the sleeping bag and go to sleep. At 9:48 pm.

User avatar
Smoku
Posts: 687
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:39 pm
Location: My own world

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Smoku » Thu May 06, 2010 4:00 am

We just criticized the fic and you thank us and post more... Um... you have any idea what we write here?

User avatar
EmP|ty
Posts: 126
Joined: Mon May 11, 2009 1:36 pm
Location: England, Hampshire.

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by EmP|ty » Thu May 06, 2010 2:37 pm

Shadjrik wrote: I had a dream that night. I dreamt that I was back home in a karate/kendo tournament. My entire family and friends watched as I blow through the completion. And then I saw her, the blind girl with the can. I instantly woke up just after that. Right before my alarm went off.
So, I think I should ask the glaring question that must be on everyone's mind right now.
Why does she have a can?

I'm starting to think this is some elaborate troll, or rather; I'd hope this is some elaborate troll, as I would rather not believe anyone is this bad and this persistent, seriously I could come up with something 100 times better in 10 minutes, hell almost anyone here could.
Give up, or take a course in creative writing, or open a book and start reading, any book. I hear the pre-teens section of most libraries are usually rather well stocked, and seem to be at about your level of literacy.

User avatar
Esa94
Posts: 381
Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:42 pm

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Esa94 » Thu May 06, 2010 2:56 pm

Poor grammar makes me frown.
What I really would like to know is how old this Shadjrik is, and if he's a native English speaker. I hope he's not :/

User avatar
Smoku
Posts: 687
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:39 pm
Location: My own world

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Smoku » Thu May 06, 2010 3:19 pm

I doubt he is. lol.
Can :lol: He surely meant cane but...
oh whatever
*runs away to any other fanfic thread*

User avatar
Csihar
Posts: 587
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:52 pm
Location: Oregon
Contact:

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Csihar » Thu May 06, 2010 4:07 pm

To be fair, he's probably really good at Pokemans.

Also, I think Lilly with a can is possibly just weird enough to be a meme. I'm picturing her happily saying "ara ara" while holding one up to her ear.
"I don't care," said Pierre, "I'm from France."

Now in handy DeviantArt form.


User avatar
Esa94
Posts: 381
Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:42 pm

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Esa94 » Thu May 06, 2010 4:13 pm

Csihar wrote: Also, I think Lilly with a can is possibly just weird enough to be a meme. I'm picturing her happily saying "ara ara" while holding one up to her ear.
Holding a can up to her ear..?

User avatar
EmP|ty
Posts: 126
Joined: Mon May 11, 2009 1:36 pm
Location: England, Hampshire.

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by EmP|ty » Thu May 06, 2010 5:19 pm

Esa94 wrote:
Csihar wrote: Also, I think Lilly with a can is possibly just weird enough to be a meme. I'm picturing her happily saying "ara ara" while holding one up to her ear.
Holding a can up to her ear..?
Nono, literally the number one.

User avatar
Csihar
Posts: 587
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:52 pm
Location: Oregon
Contact:

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Csihar » Thu May 06, 2010 5:24 pm

Esa94 wrote:
Csihar wrote: Also, I think Lilly with a can is possibly just weird enough to be a meme. I'm picturing her happily saying "ara ara" while holding one up to her ear.
Holding a can up to her ear..?
Kinda like this, but like a tin can phone.

Or the number one, I guess, but the layers of meta on that make my head hurt.
"I don't care," said Pierre, "I'm from France."

Now in handy DeviantArt form.


User avatar
EmP|ty
Posts: 126
Joined: Mon May 11, 2009 1:36 pm
Location: England, Hampshire.

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by EmP|ty » Thu May 06, 2010 5:44 pm

Csihar wrote:
Esa94 wrote:
Csihar wrote: Also, I think Lilly with a can is possibly just weird enough to be a meme. I'm picturing her happily saying "ara ara" while holding one up to her ear.
Holding a can up to her ear..?
Kinda like this, but like a tin can phone.

Or the number one, I guess, but the layers of meta on that make my head hurt.

Maybe she could be holding an "ara" up to her ear.

User avatar
Ahsab
Posts: 34
Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 12:59 am

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Ahsab » Sun May 09, 2010 4:43 am

Your story seems interesting but with all the spelling errors its making it really bad dude. I mean holy hell thats alot of spelling errors! Sing, you mean sign that came up alot of the times, please fix these dude because your story seems decent but the errors hurt.

(and to anyone that wants to point it out, I know alot is actually two words, I just hate writing that way.)
My Favorite Quote:
"Back away from my Computer and no one finds out what it's like to be put through a meat processor." -Me

Image

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5993
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Jul 21, 2010 5:34 am

This thread is kind of old, but since you still seem to check the forums from time to time, I'll try for some constructive criticizm - as opposed to the "Give up and get out" kind.
Others mentioned your spelling and grammar. Don't rely on word - get a proofreader. Apart from that, my main gripe with your story is your OC. I'd try to avoid self-inserts as much as possible, but at least don't make them perfect. Perfect characters are boring. Your OC can beat up several thugs at once, knows sign, is good at sports and has fucking automail! (Besides, automail is really too scifi for a KS fanfic.) Give him some normal prosthetics, that cannot be used for fighting and maybe even impede him. This would make him more interesting and give him a reason to be at Yamaku in the first place.
Also, thugs simply entering the school and threatening staff and students is definitely not believable! Several other things, but fixing these will keep you occupied for now.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Post Reply