A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

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Shadjrik
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A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Shadjrik » Sun May 02, 2010 10:06 pm

he's my character

Name:???He used his nick name so much he forgot his real name (Shawn Richardson)
Nickname: Shadjrik
NickNickname: Shad
Age: 17
Birthday: November 21, 1990
Eyes: Green
Hair: Black
Gender: Male
From: America/ Boston, Mass.
Learned Japanese mostly but never finished
Likes to: Read books, Practice with wooden and real swords, Listen to music, and Dance sometimes, He enjoys the sight of Cherry blossoms, and He will interfere with something that looks like someone needs help.
Disablite: Just lost his left arm and is replaced with a metal one Skills: Karate, Kendo, and Endurance.



i made this fan fic out of fun so i don't know how it's going the come out. i'd appreciate any help, i know my grammer and spelling aren't that good but those are taken care of in Micrsoft Word. if you have any opinons i'd love to hear them, good or bad. this is my frist fan fic so plese forgive me if i do something wrong.
well here it goes, i hope everyone enjoys

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 1. Arrival

October 3, 07
11:00

I arrived at yamaku town this afternoon and I have yet to find this bloody school. It’s nighttime and now I see some stars overhead. I like to star gaze a lot but I have to find this school, and that’s pretty hard when you lose the directions your doctor gives you and says “don’t lose these directions”

I walk down the sidewalk as I think what the doctor would say to me if he was here now. Then I hear something

A girl screams “AHHHHH”

Before I can think I started running towards the sound. I rounded the corner and stopped at an alleyway. Looking down into the ally, I can see three guys surrounding a girl with what looks like a cane. I start walking towards them. One of the notices me and points to let the others know of my existence.

Thug: “This doesn’t involve you! Get lost!” one of the three yelled at me. The girl lifted her head and looked in my general direction.

I crack my right hand’s knuckles with my left hand. “Let the girl go”

Thug: “Go to hell kid, get out of here before we hurt!” another one said as the others get ready for a fight

Shad: “Okay you leave me with no choice then.” I say just before I drop my backpack and stop in front of the thug in the middle. I stare into his eyes for half a second then grab his shirt and start to throw him behind me. I kick out his legs so it would be easier to throw him.

The one that is to the right of me tries to punch me but I stopped his punch with my right hand, grasping down on his fist I knee his stomach with my left knee. Then I punch his face and with that it was lights out for him.

I turn and face the last one standing and glaring at him. Never breaking eye contact, I charge at him and give him the strongest gut punch of my life. Then I finish him off with a round house kick to the side of his face. I hate to say it but I think I think I ripped some piercings off. But I don’t know I couldn’t see him that well.

The next sound I heard came from the guy I throw behind me. He apparently picked up a lead pipe and was now charging at me, he started to swing down at me. There was a metal clank as if two pipes hit when I brought up my left arm and blocked it with my forearm. The lead pipe bent around my arm and the thug looked scared and confused. I brought my arm sideways taking the lead pipe with and punched him square in the face.

After he falls unconscious I clapped my hand together, dusting of the dirt. Then I look at the girl, she had blue eyes, and long blonde hair. Other than that she looked like a normal student. I extended my hand to help her up. “You okay? Here take my hand.”

She looked up at me then starts to search though the air for my hand. I grab her hand and help her up to her feet. “Thank you, very much.”

Shad: “Don’t mention it.”

???: “No really if you didn’t come they….” She trails off remembering something. “You don’t by chance have the time, do you?”

I check my watch “yea, it’s 15 till 12”

???: “Oh my I need to get going my curfews almost up.” She starts to walk out of the alleyway taping the cane against the ground.

That’s when I realize that she’s actually blind “wait.” She stops before turning to look back at Me. “can I tag alone with you?” Yea smooth shad, anyways maybe I’ll find the damn school on the way.

???: “Ummm...” she’s a bit nerves about this, I can feel it, but answers “sure.” She must have a rich family because she is the most polite person I’ve ever met. I pick up my backpack and follow her.
We start walking for a while without talking. I feel stupid; I’m in a town completely unknown to me and following a blind girl. Witch there’s nothing wrong about that. She knows this town more than I do so it’s fine. But I feel like an ass.

***


After climbing a hill for a while, I pull up my left arm sleeve, revealing a metal (an automail like) arm. I start to mess with the crack that the lead pipe made.

All the sudden the girl stops and turns around. I almost bump into her while messing with my arm but stop before I do. She then says, “Are you okay?”

I’m a bit thrown off by the question “uhhh yea, why?”

???: “Well it’s just I keep hearing a very soft metal sound.” She’s right my doctor said that it will make a sound but mostly unnoticeable. She has really good ears if she can hear it.

“Yea sorry about that my left arm is made off…” I don’t say that instead I say, “Yea I’m fine; don’t worry about Me. “we continue till we get to a gate. I look up at the sing above it. Yamaku High School for Disabled Students. What is it about that name that reminds me of something?

…..
Snap
“THIS IS THE DAMN SCHOOL I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR”
Shit did I just say that out loud.

The girl looks at me “is there something wrong?”

Shad: “No it’s just I was looking for this place all afternoon.” I feel 1. Very happy I saved this girl, and 2. Victories.

???: “Ohhh you must be that new transfer student.” All the sudden she has a smile like she knows who I am.

Shad: “Yup that’s me Shadjriks the name” I say with a smile

???: “Well it’s nice to meet you, my names Lilly.” Then she walks through the gates and I follow. “Thank you again for saving me.”

Shad: “It was nothing, really.” I say this with too much modesty

She turns to go to her dorm and I go into the main building. I don’t think she noticed. On the inside of me I wanted to say good night but something stopped me.

Inside the main building I saw the front desk. No one was sitting at it so I walked up to it to have a closer look. I saw an envelope with my name on it. I picked it up and examined it. Inside there where keys and a note that said, “your room is 120, please check in the morning.” I put the note in my pocket and started towards the boy’s dorm.

***

I get to my room and just as I start to put the key in door, I look around to make sure no one saw me. No one was around so I continued into my room.

I got in and shut the door then locked it. I didn’t ask for much from my parents just my swords and maybe my laptop but that’s about it. I took my backpack off and opened it, I took out my sleeping bag and placed it on the bed, and I always sleep with my sleeping bag and never use the covers. I think it’s more comfortable.

After I unpacked my suit, I brought it just in case there was something special going on to dress up for. I put the suit at the front of the closet so I always know where it is.

After I finish unpacking everything my laptop and put it on the counter I put my swords in the back corner of the room. Then I plopped down on my bed and pulled my sleeping bag over me. After that I went to sleep. At 12:45.

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kosherbacon
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by kosherbacon » Sun May 02, 2010 11:29 pm

Interesting character you've got there. Welcome to the family.

Just a couple things...

What's automail? Okay, that was a trick question. However, some readers might not be familiar with the fictional technology from FMA, so you might want to come up with a better way to describe how Shad's arm is constructed.
i know my grammer and spelling aren't that good but those are taken care of in Micrsoft Word.
I wouldn't rely on MS Word's spell checking alone. The most effective method of self-editing I've come across would be self-reading. Try reading your work out loud at least once before sending it off to be proofread, and then some more before you post. Whenever something just doesn't sound right when you say it, it usually needs to be fixed. Hell, I still find errors in works I've posted long ago that way.

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neumanproductions
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by neumanproductions » Mon May 03, 2010 1:27 am

Yes, automail! Great aspect, now if he only knows alchemy like Ed then he could team up with Kenji in the fight against the feminists.
Rin=Hanako>Emi>Misha>Lilly>Shizune (Misha counts in my world alright; and now she surpassed Lilly)
Fanfic series entitled... A Day in the Life of [character name here] (updated 6/8/10)
Random writings and Crossover... New stuff of Neuman (updated 5/6/11)
It's time to Duel... KS Yugioh Deck (updated 3/16/11)

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Wren
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Wren » Mon May 03, 2010 1:31 am

Just don't call him short or small.

Interesting read, would like to see where this story is heading to. Keep at it :).
"They leave. Because they should, or they find someone else. And some of them...some of them, forget me. I suppose in the end....they break my heart." - Tenth Doctor talking about his companions.

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Xuan
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Xuan » Mon May 03, 2010 4:08 am

It already sounds like FMA.
" It would be hard to believe I was nearly killed by a love confession."

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Member22
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Member22 » Mon May 03, 2010 7:38 am

Very nice chapter... I liked the innovative start to the story, its nice to have a difference :)
"If Hisao took one thing away from his time at Yamaku it was the fact that people who have handicaps don't actually have handicaps. People like Lilly and Shizune are more able-bodied and well-adjusted than most of the kids at Hisao's old high school. He shook his head slightly. No, students at Yamaku weren't handicapped; everyone else was." - WetCrate

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EmP|ty
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by EmP|ty » Mon May 03, 2010 4:07 pm

Ahahahahah.
No offence, but that was bad, really bad.


You need to work on everything.
The story itself was rather fanfic-generic, it didn't flow well, and the spelling and grammar was poor.
Microsoft word won't cover your mistakes up as well as you'd think it would, learn to spell and construct sentences properly if you want to write anything.
I won't go nitpicking into every mistake or error in this, or I'd be here hours, you'd do better finding the mistakes yourself.

You obviously didn't proofread this, and if you did then you did a terrible job of it.


Edit @ Kosher: In regards to your comment about proofreading, I find it's always better to proofread twice, once recently after you're done, and once after a day or so (minimum of a few hours).

Reason being that if you only proofread something just after you've finished writing it, you'll end up glancing over it, as you already know exactly what you've written, and so might miss some obvious mistakes, hence wait a day or so, or get someone else to read it.

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neumanproductions
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by neumanproductions » Mon May 03, 2010 5:09 pm

EmP|ty wrote: Edit @ Kosher: In regards to your comment about proofreading, I find it's always better to proofread twice, once recently after you're done, and once after a day or so (minimum of a few hours).

Reason being that if you only proofread something just after you've finished writing it, you'll end up glancing over it, as you already know exactly what you've written, and so might miss some obvious mistakes, hence wait a day or so, or get someone else to read it.
True that. I think it is best to have someone else read your work before posting. When writing your story it gets in your head what you want it to say and overlook what it actually says. I end up making this mistake because I often don't want someone seeing it before public release; a habit I need to break. I overcome for it by re-reading it several times after I finish plus a day later. This doesn't solve all problems; my constant Hisoa mistake for example. Hope you continue writing though, a person can only ever get better at something if they work at it.
Rin=Hanako>Emi>Misha>Lilly>Shizune (Misha counts in my world alright; and now she surpassed Lilly)
Fanfic series entitled... A Day in the Life of [character name here] (updated 6/8/10)
Random writings and Crossover... New stuff of Neuman (updated 5/6/11)
It's time to Duel... KS Yugioh Deck (updated 3/16/11)

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kosherbacon
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by kosherbacon » Mon May 03, 2010 5:20 pm

Well yeah, I did mention sending it out to be checked after the first round of self-editing. This results in a turnaround of at least a few hours, usually a day.

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Smoku
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Smoku » Tue May 04, 2010 3:36 pm

EmP|ty wrote:Ahahahahah.
No offence, but that was bad, really bad.

[Flame]
You just broke the taboo...
I was thinking of how to be polite here but I decided to stay shut about the fic.

And I'm getting scared, I should send my rare stories for proofreading to guys I happen to pre-read every day...

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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by kosherbacon » Tue May 04, 2010 3:41 pm

Smoku wrote:
EmP|ty wrote:Ahahahahah.
No offence, but that was bad, really bad.

[Flame]
You just broke the taboo...
I was thinking of how to be polite here but I decided to stay shut about the fic.

And I'm getting scared, I should send my rare stories for proofreading to guys I happen to pre-read every day...
I'm okay with pre-reading yours if you want to send them my way. You've been my poor guinea pig long enough :P

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Smoku
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Smoku » Tue May 04, 2010 4:58 pm

I'm your first guinea pig since your first fic :D that's awesome. sure, I'll send.

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EmP|ty
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by EmP|ty » Tue May 04, 2010 6:45 pm

Smoku wrote:
EmP|ty wrote:Ahahahahah.
No offence, but that was bad, really bad.

[Flame]
You just broke the taboo...
I was thinking of how to be polite here but I decided to stay shut about the fic.

And I'm getting scared, I should send my rare stories for proofreading to guys I happen to pre-read every day...


[Flame] you say? that wasn't flaming.

That was just me laying out the facts and noting down some points, I just didn't deviantart-sugarcoat it like a lot of people do, as that doesn't help anyone.

And what is this taboo you speak of?

Was I supposed to not tell him this was terrible?
I'd rather I did so that he doesn't populate the internet with more terrible fanfics.

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Smoku
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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Smoku » Wed May 05, 2010 2:23 am

true, true. I have to agree to that

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Re: A Fight That Needs To Be Fought

Post by Csihar » Wed May 05, 2010 3:35 am

I agree with what EmP|ty had to say (even if he did put it a bit more brutally than I would have). Also, maybe it's just me, but I think obvious author self-insertions are almost always a bad idea, unless it's pulled off really well, which it almost never is in fanfic. It comes off as a bit... self-fanservicey.
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