A day in the life of ____________

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neumanproductions
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A day in the life of ____________

Post by neumanproductions » Tue Apr 13, 2010 3:23 am

Okay, so to be quite honest this is the first fanfic I have ever written. Sure, I have written stories of pure imagination before but nothing involving a pre-existent character. I appreciate any positive or negative feedback as it only serves me to improve my skills for the future. Anyways, on to the main point.

This series of fic that I plan on completing all takes place on the same day. You follow each of the main characters through their thought process as the day unfolds and with later chapters you might notice the similarities as their stories really do connect with each other. I plan on doing one for each of the girls, including Misha, so that will be interesting to write as they share the same brain anyways. I also will finish off with Hisao who ties the entire day together along with an Extra Chapter entitled: a day in the life of 'Kenji?'. What am I still talking about; let's get on with the story. (by the way: whooho, this is my 100th post)


A Day in the Life of Hanako
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The sun streams in through the window hitting my face, causing me to awaken. I glance over to the clock on my bedside table.

6:13

It would appear that the sun woke me up 2 minutes earlier than I wanted. I turn off the alarm, since its assistance would no longer be needed and get my supplies ready for washing. I always wake up earlier than most of the other girls, since I prefer to have the bathroom to myself on account of my appearance.

---------------------------------------

After dressing I head out to class before most anyone has even left the dorms. I prefer getting to the classroom before the others.

The morning air lingered with the chill from the night before as I made my way into the main school building to class 3-3. I take my normal seat in the back as I pull out a book from my bag. It was a story about a young man who had gone on a quest to find a cure for his fiancée’s illness. Along the way he is faced challenges and dangerous predicaments that would make most turn back and leave fate to be. This character, on the other hand, continued on not considering the dangers posed on him but rather only thinking about the girl back home. I really admire such determination for ones love.

I was about to reach a pinnacle point in story when….

Hi: Hey Hanako, how are you this morning?

Ha: Ah, Hisao….umm…good morning. I-I’m doing fine; how about you?

Hi: Oh, you know, same old same old.

He lets out a slight laugh and then looks at me with a smile that could brighten anyone’s day. The sun coming in from the window seemed to give him a glowing affect. Reminds me of how they portray the hero of my story.

The rest of the students have arrived in the classroom at this time as the bell goes off. Looks like Muto is late again. I don’t know whether to take him as being lazy or praise him for his ability to hold this job while showing up late as much as he does.

Mi: Hicchan!

I guess I was right when I said that everyone was here.

Mi: Hicchan!

Hi: Looks like I better get before Misha decides to force me to my seat.

Hi: I’ll talk to you later Hanako.

Ha: S-sure.

Hisao moves over to his desk as Muto finally decides to make his entrance.

Mu: Sorry, to be late again but I was lost on the path of life.

I don’t mind the excuses much at all. Sometimes they are actually quite interesting.

---------------------------------

When the first half of the day was over I was hoping that Hisao would join me and Lilly in the tea room. I wait until most of the class has left before I approach Hisao. Luckily for me Shizune and Misha had also decided to leave with the rest of the class. I give Hisao a slight tap on the shoulder to let him know I was there.

Hi: Yes….oh, it’s you Hanako.

Ha: Y-yes…..well, I was kind of hoping…..that you would join me and Lilly for lunch today.

He seems to grow excited at first but then tries to mask it with a simple smile.

Hi: Sure, I would love to join you guys. Shall we walk there together?

Ha: S-sure….of course.

Hisao finishes packing away his stuff in his bag and shoves it under the desk.

Hi: Alright then, let’s get going.

We walk out of the classroom and turn the corner to head towards the tea room. Several of the other students were heading outside as it was a beautiful day. None of them paid any particular attention to us but were too preoccupied by the tempting warmth of the outside to pay much attention to anything. I’m surprised Hisao wouldn’t have rather spent his lunch in the warmth of the afternoon. We arrive at the tea room a short while later to have Lilly greet us as we walked through doorway.

Li: Hanako, is that you?

I have yet to understand how Lilly has an uncanny ability to tell when I enter a room. You might say she just assumed it as me because she and I are normally the only ones to use this room during lunch. I have, however, noticed that this phenomenon has happened on to numerous occasions for me to count.

Hi: I’m here as well, Lilly. How’s your day been thus far?

Lilly and Hisao have really been talkative to each other lately. They also seem to go along great together and I haven’t seen Lilly this optimistic before. It’s almost as though she has a new glow to herself. This makes me wonder if Hisao prefers a girl like Lilly; who isn’t afraid to fully open herself to him.

Li: Hanako, would you like some tea?

Ha: Huhh….

Li: I said would you care for some tea.

Ha: Y-yes…oh, sorry I was ummm…just spaced out there for a second.

She only chuckled and went back to pouring tea into three cups on the table. I haven’t told Lilly yet; how I feel about Hisao. I know I’ll have to do it eventually if I ever want something more but for now I think it is best that I leave things as they are. However, Lilly hasn’t said anything to me either, so for all I know she could have the same feelings towards Hisao as I do. My chances might be shortly slipping away.

The rest of the lunch period went same as usual until the bell signaling class was to start again rang through the halls of the school. We could hear the bustle of students making their way back into the school. I could even hear some students starting to protest having to go back to class.
We pack everything away and Hisao and I say goodbye to Lilly and head back to our respective classrooms. By the time we get back to 3-3 Muto had already started talking. We attempt to sneak in, but to no avail.

Mu: Well, where have you two been this fine evening? You know, never mind. Just… try not to let it happen too often.

What was he so smug about? And really, how does he get to question our lateness when he himself just showed up late this morning. Aside from that, Hisao and I take our respective seats as Muto continues with his lecture. Later on, as I glace over to Hisao I can see Misha is pestering him from behind and I notice a sharp stare coming from Shizune which immediately causes me to retract in my desk and advert my eyes. I wonder how much they plan on drilling him. I guess it didn’t help our cause having arrived late for class and the fact that Shizune really doesn’t care for me. She has never really extended a sign of friendship to neither me nor Lilly at any point of time but she seems to have a high interest in Hisao. I recall on those first few days how they continued to persist that he join the Student Council. I don’t blame him for eventually conceding to the idea; those two really have a way of getting what they want. I soon notice that I was spaced out in though for several minutes, Muto must have noticed one way or another but continued on. I guess he really doesn’t want to know.

--------------------------------------------------------

After class, most of the students went off to their respective clubs and activities. With the conclusion of the school festival having just taken place a week ago, I was thinking that Shizune wouldn’t have an excuse for Hisao to join them for a while. I was horribly mistaken.

Mi: Come on Hicchan, we got a lot of work to do today.

Hi: But I thought the school festival was the hardest part and we were going to have a break now that it was over.

I notice a smile on Shizune’s face as she adjusts her glasses and signs a few phrases to Misha. Looks like she planned ahead as whenever Hisao came up with an excuse to not join them in their work, Misha already had a simple response she accredited to Shizune. Hisao glances my way and shrugs his shoulders indicating that he had been defeated and I was out of luck. I slip out of the classroom virtually unnoticed by the pair of girls. I guess I won’t have the chance to talk with Hisao today.

------------------------------------------

I head over to the library to continue reading my book in peace. The sunlight was naturally filtered into the room through the windows as I sat on my favorite beanbag chair. The natural light flooding into the room was perfect for reading. I continue from where I had left off. The next few hours blew by as I started to reach the conclusion of my book. Thus far, the protagonist had braved through 3 storms, fought a total of 5 monsters and now journeyed thru miles of dense forest. The sun was starting to wane causing me to lose my natural light; I’ll save the rest to read before bed. I place the book into my bag and head towards the exit.

-------------------------------------------

I wonder how Hisao managed to hold up against those two today. He certainly didn’t look too excited about his situation; nor does he ever. I decide it would be best if I try and approach him tomorrow and pull him away before he suffers the same fate again. However, I might only make things worse for him as Shizune would only criticize me making Hisao have to worry about me in the process. He just has that kind of heart.

As I approach the dorms I stop to admire Rin’s mural. Hisao really talks up Rin’s art at times, often complementing her way of viewing her works. She seems to have made an interesting impression on him. Pertaining to the mural, Hisao has never quite said anything about it being beautiful in particular but he has mentioned once that if you tilt your head to the side you can make out the image of a rabbit by staring long enough. I knew he was only kidding but that didn’t stop me from attempting his suggestion. I tilt my head to the side and search for anything that might resemble a rabbit in any way, shape, or form.

Ri: I think it looks better this way as well.

I jump in excitement before realizing who was standing just next to me.

Ha: R-rin, how long have you been here?

Ri: Well, it was several years ago when my parents decided they wanted to have….

Ha: N-no….that’s not what I meant.

I guess you really have to understand Rin in order to ask the right question for the answer you’re looking for. But I guessed she had to have been here for only a short while to be able to sneak next to me without notice. She must really be light on her feet. It appeared that Rin must have guessed I knew the answer to my question as she just continued to stare at her mural with her head tilted slightly to the right. I thought it was best to leave her to her thoughts. Lilly has mentioned on occasion that Rin has the habit of spacing out completely making things quite awkward in that case.

Ha: Well, I’m…. heading back to the dorms Rin. Don’t.. stay out to long.

She just continues tilting her head in different angles but I could tell she at least recognized my words. I head back to the dorms and enter my room feeling a little weird about the very short, conversation I had with Rin. I honestly wonder what goes on in that head of hers. I set out unpacking the things from my bag that I wouldn’t need for the following day and turn on the lamp next to my bed. I change into my pajamas and take the book I had only been reading a short time ago and continue reading for another hour until I had finally reached the last page.

The protagonist had finally achieved his goal of finding the flower that was needed to save his fiancées of her illness. The epilogue stated that they went on to have a wonderful life together and when the man finally reached his old age and lay ill, at his bedside lay his wife. She remembered how he had put everything on the line in the name of love for her and she decided that the least she could do in his remaining hours is stay by his side.

I turn off the lights and place the now completed book on my nightstand. I start to fall asleep and think about the story I had only moments ago put down. I wish fantasy like that would be present in real life. Or maybe I just need to make it happen? An image of Hisao’s warm smile makes its way into my head. As I drift on the line separating consciousness from non I mutter a small sentence under my breath.

Ha: I…I wish to stand by your side, Hisao.

My eyes fully close and peace enters the night.
Rin=Hanako>Emi>Misha>Lilly>Shizune (Misha counts in my world alright; and now she surpassed Lilly)
Fanfic series entitled... A Day in the Life of [character name here] (updated 6/8/10)
Random writings and Crossover... New stuff of Neuman (updated 5/6/11)
It's time to Duel... KS Yugioh Deck (updated 3/16/11)

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kosherbacon
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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by kosherbacon » Tue Apr 13, 2010 3:59 am

Wow, for a first fan-fic, you did really well. Novel concept(one of those "why didn't I think of that" premises). Good characterizations all around; I lol'd at Muto and Rin. Certainly blows my one attempt at doing a Hanako POV out of the water(seriously it was so bad it's been stricken from the face of the Earth.)

The only critique of any value I can offer would be to try using quotation marks instead of character markers in the future. In this case, it doesn't do any harm, though.

Who are you going to do next?

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Snicket
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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by Snicket » Tue Apr 13, 2010 8:52 am

Nicely done, especially for your first fanfic.

Also i'm with KB on the 'dialog' format suggestion. I tried doing it the exact same way in my first FF and it didn't turn out quiet well.

Still over all it was done very well.

I too have a few 'other character's point of view' works in progress myself. So maybe we'll get a bunch of these going in a short while. ;)

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neumanproductions
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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by neumanproductions » Tue Apr 13, 2010 12:00 pm

Thanks, that means alot coming from you guys.
I'll try the dialog format you suggest but my main concern was because of how much of the story revolves around the main characters internal thoughts I believed it might be easy to loose track of who was talking. But I'll switch it. I definitly can adapt to it as long as the reader understand.

And to answer who is up next, I am currently contemplating either Lilly or Misha/Shizune combination. I'll decide tonight and start writting. 8)
Rin=Hanako>Emi>Misha>Lilly>Shizune (Misha counts in my world alright; and now she surpassed Lilly)
Fanfic series entitled... A Day in the Life of [character name here] (updated 6/8/10)
Random writings and Crossover... New stuff of Neuman (updated 5/6/11)
It's time to Duel... KS Yugioh Deck (updated 3/16/11)

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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by Stevie Wind-Up » Tue Apr 13, 2010 11:27 pm

Very nice. Very nice, indeed. I think this is probably one of the best portrayals of Hanako that I've read thus far.
"What must I do?"
"You know what you must do."
"What must I do?"
"You know what you must do."
"What must I..."
"DANCE!!!!"

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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by Csihar » Wed Apr 14, 2010 12:09 am

I'm not often big with the fan fiction, but this is quite nice. Definitely looking forward to the rest of them, and good luck with Rin - I hurt my brain the other night trying to figure out how one would go about writing from her POV convincingly.
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GG Crono
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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by GG Crono » Wed Apr 14, 2010 4:06 pm

I have to agree in that the "script" format is a bit offputting, but, that aside, this is very well-written. Keep at it. :)

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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by Shadjrik » Wed Apr 14, 2010 4:41 pm

this is really good :D i love reading :P

8) :mrgreen: :| :shock:

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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by Sgt_Frog » Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:35 pm

neumanproductions wrote: Muto: Sorry to be late again, but I was lost on the path of life.
How very "Kakashi" of him to use an excuse like that.

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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by neumanproductions » Wed Apr 14, 2010 10:12 pm

Sgt_Frog wrote:
neumanproductions wrote: Muto: Sorry to be late again, but I was lost on the path of life.
How very "Kakashi" of him to use an excuse like that.
Nice to see that you got the reference :wink:

Update: I'm starting to write the next one now, so will be done probably on friday evening.
Rin=Hanako>Emi>Misha>Lilly>Shizune (Misha counts in my world alright; and now she surpassed Lilly)
Fanfic series entitled... A Day in the Life of [character name here] (updated 6/8/10)
Random writings and Crossover... New stuff of Neuman (updated 5/6/11)
It's time to Duel... KS Yugioh Deck (updated 3/16/11)

Stevie Wind-Up
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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by Stevie Wind-Up » Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:17 pm

Csihar wrote:....good luck with Rin - I hurt my brain the other night trying to figure out how one would go about writing from her POV convincingly.
I concur!
"What must I do?"
"You know what you must do."
"What must I do?"
"You know what you must do."
"What must I..."
"DANCE!!!!"

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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by neumanproductions » Sat Apr 17, 2010 12:14 am

Okay, so this is the second of the series. I haven't got the best direction with Shizune as she doesn't get as close to me as Hanako and Rin but I think it turned out well. Also, this is my pinnicle of setting up for some of the more interesting, future chapters. So don't get me wrong if you don't understand where this is all going or you might :roll: . And remember that this all takes place on the same day, so don't be suprised if you read something that you have before.
*Recommend reading the series from start to finish so don't skip the first one before this* Here we go!

A Day in the Life of Shizune
_______________________________________________________________________________________

(shuffle, shuffle) Why is the world shaking? I open my eyes to see what the fuss was about.

-“Morning Misha”-

Misha has been my alarm clock ever since we met each other. Since I can’t hear anything a normal alarm clock doesn’t make the cut so I have always had to have someone either wake me up by physical methods or just whenever I wake myself. So, my solution was to give Misha an extra key to my room so she could have that job of waking me up. However, I think she gets too much of a kick out of it and I’m beginning to notice that she has gotten more and more violent as of recent.

-“Rise and shine, Shicchan. Today is the day we implement Operation S.H., right.”-

Yes, Operation Save Hisao. Misha and I had been discussing our strategy to recapture Hisao from being stolen by Satou and her delinquent friend. I also have some inside information that there is another pair of delinquents that are attempting to lead Hisao towards their side.

-“Yes, we must act quickly if we are to assure that Hisao isn’t stolen from…..us.”-

Lucky for me, I caught myself early enough to change from what I was actually going to say. Misha just stands there with her mouth reaching opposite sides of her face. I guess she already knew what I had done but was now making her knowledge to well known. She simply replies with a -“Alright, let’s get ready.”- before departing back to her room.

---------------------------------------------------

After I got myself ready I met Misha outside her room and we left for class. The air had a lingering chill from the night. I really hate the cold. I much rather prefer the warmth of the sun than having to deal with those harsh winters I hear they get in the American North. I never would want to live in a place like that. Now Australia that would be the perfect place for me or the Bahamas either wet or dry heat doesn’t matter to me. While I’m continuing this little debate in my head I find that we have already made it to the classroom.

We walk in and head towards our seats. After sitting down I notice that Hisao isn’t in his seat yet so I scan the room. I notice someone talking to the Ikezawa girl. Who would be talking to her….then I realize. I quickly relay my message to Misha.

-“Get him over here now!”-

-“On it!”-

“Hicchan!” Hisao turns his head to acknowledge.

“Hicchan!” He says something else to Ikezawa and heads over by us as Muto makes his way into the room.

“Sorry, to be late again but I was lost on the path of life.”

I’ll have to deal with that girl later. Muto, begins his lecture and class goes as normal.

------------------------------------------

I wanted to deal with that girl during lunch but Misha and I had bigger plans to attend to. We left with the rest of the class as Hisao continued to fiddle about his desk. Ikezawa stayed behind as well, I hope she doesn’t get any bright ideas. Hisao is too generous, so he would certainly go along with anything she asks of him. But sacrifices must be made at this time. If all goes according to plan on Operation H.S. then we shouldn’t have to worry about this anymore. Me and Misha head outside to the sports storage shed.

-“You sure he said to meet here?”-

-“Positive”-

We wait roughly about 15 minutes before a man wearing a dark sweater with a hood covering his face completely slips around the corner of the shed. He has got to be sweating in that thing? The heat has increased drastically since this morning making it a beautiful day. The man looked as though he wasn’t too happy to be here.

“I don’t like making this kind of transaction with you females.”

“Well, come on then. Do you have it or not?”

“Of, course I do!” While saying this he pulls a small bag out from inside his sweater.

“Now, I’m going to say this once more. I don’t rather enjoy making this kind of deal with the enemy but I need the cash. Debts have started to pile up and I’m so close to my goal. Wait, forget that last part! Anyways, where is my money?”

Misha pulls out a small envelop of money that she prepared ahead of time. I honestly don’t know how much she is paying for this but it better be worth it. She hands him the envelope and in return he passes on the bag to her.

“That’s a special piece of piece of merchandise you got there. Don’t use the whole thing up in one set otherwise there could be dire consequences.” He left by doing a barrel-roll into the bushes.

“OUCHHHH!” He springs up in the air. Guess he didn’t notice the roses.

-“Now is this stuff really as powerful as your supplier claims?”-

-“Oh, course it is Shicchan. This stuff will guarantee that Hicchan won’t look at another girl again.”-

-----------------------------------------------------

We arrive back in class a couple of minutes before the bell rings. By the time Muto arrives Hisao and that delinquent haven’t returned yet.

-“Where is Hisao?”- But before Misha gives a response….

“Well, where have you two been this fine evening? You know, never mind. Just… try not to let it happen too often.”

She…She’s….WHAT WHERE THEY DOING!!
You know what, whatever it is it won’t happen again. I notice Misha is working hard to try and get a word out of Hisao about what he would have been doing with, THAT GIRL. I glance back at her. I notice she is staring at Hisao so I give her a stern look that makes her instantly retract in her seat. You’re not getting him. He is mine.

---------------------------------------------------

“Come on Hicchan, we got a lot of work to do today.”

“But I thought the school festival was the hardest part and we were going to have a break now that it was over.”

Misha and I had already planned out our strategy ahead of time so we were well rehearsed for any of Hisao’s rejection attempts. He isn’t getting out of this one. We head to the Council room with Hisao in tow.

“Alright Hicchan, we need to get all of these letters stamped and mailed by tonight for the morning pickup.”

“You have got to be…..how many of these things are there?”

“Enough for maybe…. a couple hours.”

“And this is why I said you need more than three people.”

“But it’s so much fun just the three of us together.”

“That’s not the way I…..wait, where are you going Shizune?”

“She’s going to get us some drinks, be grateful.”

I slip back out the door as planned carrying the brown bag with the secret weapon. Looks like Misha has Hisao preoccupied. I head to the bathroom and pull out the glass bottle inside the bag. The label looked as though it was crudely made. It reads, ‘Secret Male Attraction Pheromone’. This stuff looks no better than a jar of regular perfume. However, the color is a little on the odd side, but I can’t lose Hisao to anyone. I won’t accept defeat. I press the bulb and the odd colored liquid forms a dark mist all over my body. It smelt funny to me, but if this is what guys like. I place the bottle back in the bag and run back to the council room.

“Looks like Shicchan is back!”

“What kind of drink did you get me, Shizune?” I could read his lips clearly on that one.

Oh crap, I forgot the drinks. Now I need an excuse for my absence. I quickly sign to Misha who understands exactly what to do.

“They were all out. Guess we have been drinking too much lately, Wahaha!”

I don’t think many people appreciate Misha’s laugh. Guess it doesn’t bother you when you can’t hear it.

“Anyways, let’s get to these envelops right!”

Just as planned I take my seat on the left of Hisao while Misha sits across from us. She smiles in hopes that everything is going according to plan. I give her a nod back to confirm the weapon is armed. I slowly start to lean in towards Hisao. Nothing is happening…until…I see Hisao’s nose starting to twitch. He sniffs a couple of times, turns his head and sniffs some more.

“Does anyone smell that?” I lean in closer to Hisao.

“I know that smell.” He starts sniffing until he is practically touching his nose to my shoulder. This is it, I have him now.

“Shizune….” I look at him in the eyes as he looks back into mine. I can almost feel our souls touching.

“You smell…(sniff)….you smell…(sniff)…like my father’s alcohol cabinet. Do you drink Shizune?”

I feel as though a stake was just shoved through my head. I could read every one of the words he said and now the color was running out of my face as I turned a ghostly white. Misha watched in awe at the sight. Responding instantly, she takes control of the situation as I continue to sink under the table.

“Hicchan, can’t you recognize a beautiful perfume when you smell one!”

“Per-perfume? Why would she be wearing perfume?”

“Don’t you like it, Hicchan!”

I’m finally starting to recover as the blood now rushes into my head in frustration. Damn that guy! He must have sold me a bottle with nothing but whisky in it! I continue to build up frustration and Hisoa notices my face turning red. It looked like he was frightened, but I couldn’t stop my rage now.

“Evacuate, evacuate, women and children first! That means you Hicchan!” Misha pushes Hisao out the door. “This is not going to be pretty.”

Misha closes the door as the pressure valves sealing me up finally rupture. I think Hisao could actually hear my unsuccessful string of curses attempting to make themselves know through the door. This is one of those times that I’m glad to be mute.

---------------------------------------------------------

The next few hours involve a constant scrubbing and washing as I try to remove the alcohol smell from my clothes and body. I don’t know where Misha went. She better not expect me to pay her back for what her contact sold us. I continue scrubbing my face and chest. That stuff sunk right through my cloths. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize that scent before I put it on. And now that I mention it, that stuff was the exact golden color of typical whiskey. The more I think of it the more I want to….

A tear runs down my cheek as I drop the brush I was using.

Why did it have to turn out this way? Operation S.H. was a complete failure. This was supposed to be my chance to get Hisao to see me as something more. I cry from both eyes now. Tears run down my face losing themselves in the tears pouring from the showerhead. I feel as though my eyes could match its’ on-pour.

I stay in the shower for the next few minutes, continuing my onslaught of tears. I didn’t think they would ever stop. I eventually subdued my emotions and finished my attempts of washing. I pack up my stuff and head back to my room.

----------------------------------------------------

After getting prepared for bed Misha barges in. She had some sort of smart-assed look on her face as though she had just accomplished a great task.

-“Well, that problems been taken care of.”- She notices my eyes are red and swollen. They hadn’t subsided yet from the crying I had done earlier. Her face instantly changed expressions.

-“Shicchan….what’s wrong? It looks like you have been crying.”-

-“It..it’s noth….”- she hugs me. I couldn’t hear it but I felt something wet make contact with my shoulder. She was crying.

Misha had always been like this since I first met her. She might not seem like it at first but it is times like these that show how she truly understands me better than anyone else. We sat like that for roughly thirty seconds as she shared in my sadness. She then releases her grip on me, retracting right back to her normal, energetic self.

-“Don’t worry Shicchan, we’ll get him yet.”- I smile.

She’s right; I can’t give up hope now. I have only begun to fight. I quickly regain my normal composure and am already pondering our next attack. I may have lost the battle today, but I most certainly will not lose this war!
Last edited by neumanproductions on Sat Apr 17, 2010 2:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Rin=Hanako>Emi>Misha>Lilly>Shizune (Misha counts in my world alright; and now she surpassed Lilly)
Fanfic series entitled... A Day in the Life of [character name here] (updated 6/8/10)
Random writings and Crossover... New stuff of Neuman (updated 5/6/11)
It's time to Duel... KS Yugioh Deck (updated 3/16/11)

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Csihar
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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by Csihar » Sat Apr 17, 2010 1:51 am

I like. You pulled off the shift between comedy and more heavy stuff pretty nicely, and I think you captured Shizune's personality well. However, (besides a few punctuation/grammatical problems that nerds of my variety can't help but notice,) there was one big error that made me lol:
“I don’t like making this kind of transaction with you females.” I guess that proves my point. The voice sounded familiar but unfamiliar at the same time. Honestly, I know I’ve heard it somewhere before but I can’t place my finger on it?
Incidentally, I don't envy the path writers' having to try to write a freaking novel (literally) without ever once unintentionally overlooking their characters' disabilities.
"I don't care," said Pierre, "I'm from France."

Now in handy DeviantArt form.


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neumanproductions
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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by neumanproductions » Sat Apr 17, 2010 2:07 am

Csihar wrote:I like. You pulled off the shift between comedy and more heavy stuff pretty nicely, and I think you captured Shizune's personality well. However, (besides a few punctuation/grammatical problems that nerds of my variety can't help but notice,) there was one big error that made me lol:
“I don’t like making this kind of transaction with you females.” I guess that proves my point. The voice sounded familiar but unfamiliar at the same time. Honestly, I know I’ve heard it somewhere before but I can’t place my finger on it?
Incidentally, I don't envy the path writers' having to try to write a freaking novel (literally) without ever once unintentionally overlooking their characters' disabilities.
:lol: :lol: I can't believe I missed that after looking for inaccuracies such as this. I just really wanted to get the point across. Guess I’ll drop that section of it through edit, and before I post to Deviantart.
That is probably the hardest part about righting from Shizune's POV, glad you pointed that out because I'll definitly remember to watch for stuff like that when writing the Lilly one :wink:
Rin=Hanako>Emi>Misha>Lilly>Shizune (Misha counts in my world alright; and now she surpassed Lilly)
Fanfic series entitled... A Day in the Life of [character name here] (updated 6/8/10)
Random writings and Crossover... New stuff of Neuman (updated 5/6/11)
It's time to Duel... KS Yugioh Deck (updated 3/16/11)

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kosherbacon
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Re: A day in the life of ____________

Post by kosherbacon » Mon Apr 19, 2010 4:00 pm

What is it with Shizzy, Misha, and alcohol these days?
I’m finally starting to recover as the blood now rushes into my head in frustration. Damn that guy! He must have sold me a bottle with nothing but whisky in it! I continue to build up frustration and Hisoa notices my face turning red. It looked like he was frightened, but I couldn’t stop my rage now.
There's a few minor spelling errors, but this one jumped out at me. Also, whiskey is spelled wrong in that sentence.

Cute story, though. Lilly is next? I can't wait.

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