KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Lilly, Hisao, Page 18

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Short one on page 17

Post by kosherbacon » Tue Aug 09, 2011 3:16 pm

Mishas, Mishas everywhere.
You people are weird. I'm .Emi.

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Location: Your Mind, Slowly Nibbling away your Sanity

Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Short one on page 17

Post by Leotrak » Sun Aug 14, 2011 11:21 am

So the Bacon returns! Nice work once again ^_^
"ice-cream-flavoured ice-cream" -Rin
"oh moe is me" -me
Numbered Days, my first piece of fanfic
Leotrak's Library, my other depository of written stuffs
Before: Hanako>/=Emi>Rin>Lilly>Shizune
After: Emi>Rin>Hanako>Lilly>>>>>>>>>>>Shizune

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Short one on page 17

Post by Snicket » Tue Aug 16, 2011 4:58 am

So you're back to your old ways, eh?

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Short one on page 17

Post by kosherbacon » Mon Sep 19, 2011 6:07 pm

Kenji's mind is a strange and wonderful place.

The Groan

The clock ticked away. Each second was measured, ground up by the machine invented to tame existence itself and then regurgitated with a hammering “clunk” that only got heard when one hasn't slept for three days. As the moments stretched and dilated into lifetimes, the sound of my breathing distorted into a guttural chant that film makers throw into scenes to let the audience know that the action is taking place in Tibet.

Come to think of it, my clock was digital.

I felt like I had gone through some serious shit. I must have looked like it too. It wasn't that I couldn't sleep. I could have done that any time I wanted. I was afraid to. Every time I closed my eyes, I got the feeling that the next time they would open, I would be somewhere else like a foreign hell hole, dying of a gaping chest wound or something, and my prison of a boarding school would be a fading paradise by comparison.

I weighed the options of whether to stay in the nightmare of the now or dive into the horror of the unknown that awaited if I slept. My chest ached as I struggled with my possibilities.

I decided to see what that limp-dick fuck Nakai was up to.

Man, it was cold that day. Or was it night? I put my glasses on and yep, it was probably night. I ventured out of my sanctuary and took the well-beaten path across the hall to Hisao's room. The door was unlocked. That kind of carelessness practically begged to be randomly robbed, raped, and murdered.

“Hey, Hisao? You up, bro?”

Nothing. No reply, just breathing.

I glanced over to the bed and realized that the sounds of respiration weren't coming from the bed at all, but by the closet, about a meter and a half above the floor.

“Dude, stop being creepy. You want to sneak out and get some grub or something?”

The blob of white acknowledged my inquiry with a dry gasp and dashed its way out the door. I gave the start of a half-assed chase and wondered what got Nakai so spooked.

“Hey, what the fu-UNF!”

And by spooked, I meant dead. I tripped on a cold lump of scrawny flesh in the middle of the floor. The body was half-nude; I'm sorry to say I found out it was the wrong half naked. The skin was clammy and cool to the touch. How long he was dead for, I couldn't say. I figured that whoever took him out also cranked the floor's air conditioner on full blast to mask the time of death.

Though my blood ran ice cold, the scene of the crime was still hot, so I made a tactical withdrawal to my room and prepared for the worst. Whoever bumped off Hisao was going to go after me next. That was a forgone conclusion. I sat tight, put on my gas mask, clutched my sword-- well, I hoped it was my sword and not my umbrella -–and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

When I finally sprang into action at roughly six in the morning, I nearly decapitated the RA.

“The fuck, Setou?! Get your shit together. Your homeroom teacher wants to talk to you. Hisao Nakai died last night.”

Was he feigning ignorance that I knew of Hisao's death? Possibly, but unlikely on the grounds that our dorm leader is a one dimensional simpleton. I cautiously moved him down the priority list of suspects and headed to the staff office.

What'd the Queen of the Harpies have to say? Some yammering on about me being okay or needing time to grieve. She didn't betray any knowledge of me being there at the scene. If she did, she would've came at me with skin-melting vaginal fluid squirts right then and there with the two of us alone. Whoever carried out the hit was low on the chain of command and probably considered my interference to be a fuck-up on their part that they could just sweep under the rug.

Grief would have to wait. It was time for revenge.

While in art lab, I gathered my thoughts. The easiest way to kill someone in their dorm room would be to gain their trust first, before the act. The most likely time of death was in the early morning, within two hours of my discovering the scene. Hisao died without his pants on.

Conclusion: Girlfriend.

Like any good bro, I diligently kept track of Nakai's movements and associations as best as I could. His dealings of the succubine variety were dominated by three pairs of female operatives.

First and foremost was the student council. I would be a retard to not assume that they have fat, hammy, fish-scented fingers in every dirty deed on campus. Whatever Hakamichi couldn't twist around into some sadistic game, Mikado the Hutt would happily devour in her giant cave-cunt.

Second was the foreign she-witch and her troglodyte sidekick. They walked their entire existences by duplicity. Nobody would have suspected a serene, blind class representative with big ol' floppy cow tits would have ties with organized crime. Likewise, nobody suspected that a shy, traumatized bookworm is actually a murderous sexual deviant with a short fuse.

Finally, there was the crippled superhero robot team of Ibarazaki and Tezuka. With their powers combined, they were even more inept than they were separately. Ibarazaki's incompetence put her high on my list of suspects. She was be foolish enough to let a witness live. As for Tezuka, well, she was a loose cannon. I suspected that she's a failed mind control drug experiment that even the feminists couldn't figure out how to utilize.

“Uh, you're thinking out loud again. I'm right here.”

Did I mention that she was a double agent and a master of disguise. I could tell a broad from a palm tree just fine. Their hair, their clothes, their figures, their method of locution are all tip-offs. Rin developed countermeasures for all of my passive detection methods. Her lopped off arms and barefoot gait make her walk unfeminine. With her short hair and masculine attire, she easily passed as a guy in my eyes at nearly all ranges of engagement. She even talked like a dude. It was almost as if she was some twisted male-female hybrid, like a hermaphrodite or something.

“I'm still here...”

Crap. It seemed that I was thinking out loud in mixed company again. I steeled my composure and tried playing it off like it was nothing. The Daywalker appeared to be a rambling lunatic, so I hoped she would digest what I said if I presented it like it was just nonsense.

“Hey so um, do you want to talk?” she asked with a sudden diversion in tone.


“Teacher said that you're going through a rough time and that if you want to talk we should do that to help you out.”

Great, Nomiya turned me into a charity case. And lumped me together with her.

“So like I was taking a shower yesterday and I just felt all weird and off balance. Like you know how they say someone got up from the wrong side of the bed? Nobody really explained to me what that means but I think it's when you start up with your whole sense of perspective and orientation off. Like a computer that messes up so bad that the only way to fix it is by restarting it but you can't do that because sleeping in the middle of the day is apparently looked down upon here...”

As it turned out, the whole point of Rin's sprawling ramble was that she took a bath without a stool to sit on and didn't realize it.

“Look, toots, what the teacher said about 'Talking about it' referred to Nakai kicking the bucket.”

“Oh. But that's sad. And not very interesting. I don't like sad boring things because they only mean sad stuff that you can't really do anything about.”

“What do you mean, not interesting?”

“It's not like there's a mystery about it. Hisao had a heart thingy that could have killed him at any moment. It's obvious and unavoidable, so there's nothing to talk about unless you just want to get sadder.”

“What do you mean no mystery? He was murdered!”

“Oh...” I swore that I could hear her eyes widen. “Now that is interesting. And bad. It makes me feel bad. Doesn't it make you feel bad? If something like that happened to one of my special people I'd want revenge. Maybe I do. Hisao was kinda special. Not special like retards, but special like important. And different. Kinda.”

“Of course I want revenge!” I shouted, prompting Tezuka's head-spools to rewind since her train of thought had moved on from one moronic half-idea to another. “One of you people fucked him to death.”

“What. Really,” she said, clearly not asking for clarification but just sounding off.

“He died in his room, naked from the waist down. Yes, that's right. I do know how you people operate. The human penis has some of the thinnest, most permeable skin on the body. All kinds of diseases and shit could penetrate, so it's only logical that vital nutrients, fluids, and spiritual energy could get sucked out through the same process but in reverse.”

“So... getting his wiener played with killed him? I don't like that idea. He should have just used a condom if it worked that way.”

“And if he came, it's even worse. Don't you have any idea how many vital proteins, neurotransmitters, and hormones get expended in the process of ejaculation?! If you cunt-vampires couldn't drain us for yourselves, you engineered it so men would leak themselves to death.”

“Nah-uh. Health Class said that guys have um, nocturnal regressions and they come on their own. The only way you'd prevent wasting that stuff would be if you saved all of your sperm when it came out. Like in a jar. I wonder if girls ever did that with their period blood and used it for things. That would be gross. But not as gross as guys saving all their cum and eating it to--”

It didn't help that whatever paint she was flinging around had the red-ochre hue of menses.

“...but if that really was true. Guys would be dying left and right from jacking off. And porn stars would be all sickly and pale.”

Amazingly enough, she did eventually circle around to having a point.

“You still haven't disproved that your snatches are toxic drains that suck the souls out of men.”

“Yeah I can.”


“How do you think? Have sex with me. If you get sick or die, then you're right. If not, then I'm right.”

“How stupid do you think I am?”

“Somewhere between very stupid and not stupid. I want to know for sure too. Vampire vaginas sound scary. I hope I don't have one. It would be hard to hide all the bodies from all the sex I want to have.”

“I've got better things to do, like not have my cock shrivel up and die.”

“It's okay if you're a virgin. I won't judge you.”

“What?! No. I'll have you know that I am indeed experienced, thankyouverymuch.”

“Oh...” she said while drifting into a knowing pause that I knew wouldn't go anywhere pleasant. “I'm okay with that too. If you want, I'll keep my shirt on so you can pretend I'm a boy. Just don't put it in my butt.”

“I. Am. Not. A. Faggot.”

“Then what's the deal? Emi says that I'm pretty enough to get any boy I wanted. And I trust her more than you. Therefore, you must be wrong.”

That, dear friends, was Tezuka in her element. If she couldn't break down your defenses through brute force, she would use cunning and misdirection. Before I knew what hit me, we were fucking on one of the art room's tables. Then her friend came in. Then I was fucking her too. Then I was fucking both of them. While they fucked each other.

After that fiasco, I sat in the dorm hall's bathroom scrubbing off the potent two-part pussy-juice mind-control cocktail off my weapon. Those bitches fucking turned me into a junkie. Thoughts of running back over to Tezuka and Ibarazaki and plowing them persisted in my mind's eye like a desperate wasp trapped between a window pane and a set of blinds. I cranked the cold water up to maximum and chilled my thoughts back into objectiveness.

Okay... So... I learned from the Stumpy Squad that Hisao had taken to running with Ibarazaki as part of his torture regimen. Therefore, if they wanted to kill him and make it not look suspicious, they could have done it out on the field and made it look like he keeled over during a morning jog. Also, if they wanted to drain someone's fortitude to further their agenda, they would have been better off sucking it out of a He-Man like me instead of a beta-as-fuck wimp like Hisao.

It wasn't watertight, but they were as ruled-out as they were going to get. At that point, my priority was to make the list of suspects as small as I could make it. Next up was the student council.

While attempting to formulate a plan of attack back in my room, I popped open a bottle of water from earlier that morning. It didn't taste right. It tasted bitter. So I opened a new one, and found that the seal was compromised. And another. Then another. It seemed that my independent water supply had been tampered with. I don't drink the school's water. I'd collect rain and condensation from outside if I didn't know the government sprayed chemtrails here. The best, most viable way for me to get hydrated was to hoard bottled water from the store in town.

Taking the risk, I went down the hill and procured a stash of provisions small enough that they would be expended by the time whoever got around to poisoning them. At the very least, if I had to throw those out too, it wouldn't be as big a hit in the wallet. Whatever I had done that day certainly caught someone's attention. The gimps must have been a distraction for whoever the big cheese was.

Knowing my water had been fucked with kept me on edge the rest of the night. I didn't sleep. Not that I planned to. Sleeping would have made me defenseless and complacent. I needed to be ready for anything. As the morning stabbed onward, I felt as though my limbs would betray me. My skin crawled, and my hands twitched as if they had lives of their own. From the corner of my eye, I saw razor sharp shadows creeping out of the darkness. In a world of haze, they leaked in like droppings from an high definition television's digestive tract.

In the end, I hounded down the student council after class with no plan of attack. That was for a reason. Hakamichi had a raging hard-on for contrived scheming and the last thing I was going to do was play her game and get mired in her Machiavellian delusions of grandeur. The shadows and flickers from the night before followed me and only got even more intense as I closed in on my prey. I was heading in the right direction. I was sure of it.

Still, I guess some plan was better than no plan.

“WhatWhatWHAT did you ask me?”

“You heard me. Show me your cunts. I want to see if they were the murder weapons that killed Hisao.”

“I-I... The president and I will not dignify these lewd accusations with a response. We wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt since your ...only friend has just passed away, but this conduct is unacceptable!”

“Wordy bitch, I thought you said you wouldn't dignify it with a response. Or are you just so much in love with your voice that you won't let your handler get a word in. Or is she still faking that she's deaf-mute?”

“Why... you...”

I laughed at the thought of the alleged class president actually gesturing a constipated failure to retort. I wished I could have seen what the hell her hands were doing. I'd like to think that her fingers just kept tripping over themselves, leaving her only capable of wagging angry obscene gestures at me.

“Fine. You want to see?” the big pink lummox belched when she tackled me.

I'd like to say that I put up a good fight. If I were to handle things differently knowing what I know now, I would have done a tactical roll out of the way and delivered elbow-chops to the bases of their necks for the kill. But no, I got pinned down and was force fed a face full of student government, one face-sit at a time. The queening would have been more tolerable if the two had practiced better hygiene. But then again, that would be like choosing a kick to the balls over a face full of buckshot.

They humiliated me. They violated me. However, they did not break me. I tossed my suddenly fragrant glasses in the trash and returned to my room on cold memory where my spare would be waiting.

I did manage to pull some victory out of the ashes of defeat. Although sexual humiliation was certainly their MO, they would have wanted to keep Hisao alive and suffering for as long as they could. The only likely scenario that kept them as the culprits would be if Mikado smothered Hisao with her big fat cottage cheese ass.

So, another pair not quite ruled out. I really wish real life was as decisive as cop shows on TV. And as violent. But no, instead of being a bad-ass with a heart of gold shooting at perps during a high speed chase through downtown Manhattan in America, I sat in my room wondering if everything was just a little more green than usual. Every time I felt tempted to rest, a squeak... no, a half word in a voice clear as a bell but too vague to identify would call from the corner and remind me what I was doing. I couldn't quit. Not yet.

The next morning, in homeroom, I planted myself behind my next mark. If Satou was going to do something, then I'd know it for sure. I made myself the hag's shadow.

I followed her to the library. Nothing.

I followed her to the staff office. Nothing.

I followed her to lunch. Nothing.

I followed her to a student council meeting. Still nothing.

We made it all the way to a study period when I noticed something fiendish in her hair. Somewhere in that big blurry blonde blob was a mouth, in the back of her head. Then it vanished. I looked away, and it was there again right in my peripheral vision. I didn't see it head-on but the details were clear enough. It had green lips, teeth like yellowish carpentry nails, and a tongue that was either absent or gnawed off by those horrid fangs.

No wonder that broad kept her hair in a ponytail.

I pondered what the hell that thing was. Was it a parasite? Or maybe it was some of a Feminist's true form spilling out. Yeah, that had to be it. I always knew those bitches weren't native to Earth. A parasitic infestation was the only logical answer to explain everything. Either way, I had to kill it. The creature clearly latched onto a human form because it couldn't survive in a terrestrial environment. Women must have been living spacesuits for those mouths to travel in. Therefore, something that a human female would thrive on would surely kill the beast, like if you injected peanut butter into a person's bloodstream instead of letting them digest it. As soon as the teacher left the classroom, I stood up, unzipped my trousers, and got to work.

Those man-enslaving parasites wanted our sauce? Well, who was I to turn them down? No Earth-woman to metabolize it into something non-toxic that time. Pump after pump released knuckle-nectar into the blind bat's secondary mouth. And it worked. I heard it squeal and boil away out of the visible world.

Did I avenge Hisao's death? Well, I wasn't sure. I certainly didn't manage to eliminate Satou as a suspect, but it definitely felt good to take out a true Feminist from Planet Fallopia. Satisfied, I excused myself from class, hearing “Did someone sneeze in my hair?” on the way out.

My victory was enough to lift me out of my spirits. Sleep? Hah! Who needed it?! I had proven myself the superior life form in a battle with Feminism. I saw their real form, and I discovered their weakness. The biological arms race for dominance of Earth was on. All I had to do to win was evolve beyond the inherited limits of my design.

My eyes weren't defective. They were vestigial. I had gone beyond seeing what the visible spectrum told me was around me and moved on to seeing the truth. Every scent, every hum, every emission of tangible energy told the full story. The school itself was the throbbing, gristly nexus of Feminism. I saw the school's veins. It was alive. The Yamaku Academy itself was a biomechanical monster.. a digestive womb from beyond the void. There was no escape from the machine while we were here, because it was everywhere. It was everything. We were all here so it could feed.

The next morning, I struck at the hive itself. And what better way to do it than conclude my investigation?

I had always suspected that Hanako Ikezawa was something of an unknown quantity even in Feminist circles. Nobody was that quiet and harmless without an agenda. Nobody. My understanding of politics of the vaginal variety lead me to the conclusion that she was but a goon on a two sided power struggle for ovarian supremacy. Her master, Satou, was a contender for the next queen of the hive and inheritor of the school's horrible secret. Well, I took out Satou the previous day. I had to deal with Ikezawa before she wrought havoc on the world while unleashed. The other side of the equation, The Student Council, would have to be dealt with later.

A rampage of iridescent light flicked me to the library. Where else would she have been if she's not under Satou's skirt?

“Um... h-h-hello?”

“You know why I'm here, don't you?”

“N-No... um. You're Lilly's classmate, r-right? D-Does she need me?”

Wars involve sacrifices. And that day, I was sacrificing my last bottle of whiskey to make a Molotov cocktail.

“Wh-Wha-What are you doing?!”

“Saving us all. THIS IS FOR HISAO!”

The bottle exploded into a flurry of colors as I laid waste to a bookshelf full of Feminist propaganda. The lies crackled and fizzed with their swan song. Within moments, the whole library was in flames. I stretched out my arms in benediction and soaked in the glory before going in for the kill.

“Well, Ikezawa?? How do you like your world going up in smoke?!”

She didn't answer. She was curled up in a ball, twitching and apparently soiling herself. That did not do at all. Not a bit. I wasn't done with Ikezawa, so I dragged her out of the library and wondered if somehow I stumbled on her secret weakness. Unfortunately, she didn't snap out of it by the time gakwers came to the scene to stumble upon what must have appeared to be me being some kind of hero. I suppose traumatizing the little goblin was better than nothing. I didn't notice until much later that at no point did any sprinklers or fire alarms go off.

How dangerous. I could have gotten hurt.

My deed was done. Or at least it was as done as it was going to get. I felt the rush of power as my inner seals eroded to unleash my final form. Like I said earlier. My eyes were holding me back. The flashes and blurs that whizzed past me were meaningless. Soon, I would outgrow my legs too. I saw across the fabric of the universe with my mind and moved about it limited only to the speed of thought.

I raced to the roof to christen my new age. Was there a cyclone fence in the way? I couldn't tell. It didn't matter any more than the presence of air. All that was important was that I was Kenji Motherfucking Setou. I wasn't just a man above women. I was a man about mankind itself. Within reach was complete victory, where time, space, sex, and even pizza wouldn't matter. I launched myself over the ledge, because fuck, man. I could fly.


“Mister Setou?”


“Mister Setou, can you hear me?”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuckety-fuckfuck.

“Good, you're awake. I need to ask you some questions concerning your health, both physically and mentally.”

Remember how I said that I was afraid that if I let myself fall asleep, I'd have no idea where I'd wake up? Well, it happened. I went under. And when I came back, I was there, in a hospital. But how did I know, you ask? I wasn't an idiot. I knew what color hospitals are. I knew how hospitals smell. I knew how hospitals sound. That lump who was speaking at me from the corner of my eye definitely looked, smelled, and sounded like a hospital.

“I understand that you've been under a great deal of stress and mental fatigue lately. At what point did you start mixing psychoactives and amphetamines?”

The crash brought me back to reality. Hisao was still dead. Yeah, remember that, how I set out to avenge some dude I wasn't even that tight with? My investigation had well... it really didn't accomplish shit, did it? Nobody was definitely innocent, just probably at best. Hell, for all I knew, it was goddamned librarian who did him in. It's always the goddamned librarian. I was sloppy, and I paid for it with my body.

An ache that was perplexingly both dull and stabbing had me bound and immobile from the neck down. I had three broken ribs, compound fractures in both arms, and my legs were effectively shattered from halfway along my thighs downwards. Yep, if I didn't belong at Yamaku before, I certainly did then.

Whoever had it out for me was winning. They sent me on some wild goose chase, then doped me into jumping off the roof. I'll bet that they wanted to pull some long term mindfuck torture scheme on Hisao, but their plans were cut short with an inconvenient case of arrhythmia. I was going to be their next hobby... a pet to prod and torment to their heart's content.

I knew I should've invested in a cyanide capsule tooth.

I mumbled my way out of not answering anything to my new jailer and got comfortable with being immobilized, helpless, and with only the ceiling for company.

“Hey, Kenji. What's up, buddy?”

Great, it was that purple-haired faggot from the school's nursing office, no doubt coming to peck at my corpse by discussing future school arrangements based on my condition or current lack thereof. If there was any single element of school I loathed, it was the omnipresent nursing staff who had our lives and well-being in their sadistic little hands.

Yeah, fucking nurses and their... access to our rooms.

...and their intimate knowledge of their patients' anatomy.

...and their massive fucking drug stashes.

...and their zero accountability.

Oh, shit.

“How're ya feeling? Do you want something for the pain?”

“Fuck off.”

“I know that's just the fractures talking, pal,” the creep casually dismissed with the same glowingly smooth tone I'm sure he uses to get into the undergarments of schoolchildren. “Trust me, these will take the edge off.”

“I said I don't need any goddamned pills. I've taken enough poison from you assholes.”

“Just take the fucking pills and shut the fuck up, you little bitch.”

Suddenly, that warm, disarming voice turned into a cold, bitter snarl. It was like the voice of a sixty year old transvestite whore with emphysema.

“So what's in these? Sleeping pills? Or is it Viagra so you can try fucking me to death like you did Hisao?”

“SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!” the little pansy girl in the lab coat bitch-screamed while trying to shove a bottle full of pills into my mouth.

“Enlighten me,” I said while spitting out the meds. “Did poor Hisao die on you, so you're trying to groom me for a ride as a plan B? Well, I'm right here. Suck my cock already.”


For a cold blooded murderer, it sure was easy to press is buttons.

“Me. Me, me, me. What is it?”

“You don't understand. You don't understand it at all. I-I-I l-l-loved Hisao. And he loved me.”

“Oh, please, everyone knows he had a penchant for defective girls to feed his little-dick complex.”


Man, all that grinning like a ignorant retard over the years left the guy a tightly wound powder keg with a short fuse, a hair trigger, and made him an easy target for cliched idioms..

“Hisao was different,” Nursey-Nurse went on. “He was deeper than that. He was wise, and gentle, and innocent... so pure and innocent... He was my everything, but we both knew that our passion would only... would only l-lead to tragedy.”

Oh, fuck me. He was actually crying. I should've taken the sleeping pills like a champ.

“So... the fuck does this have to do with having me rolling for seven days straight?”

“It was going to be so beautiful. We were going to say goodbye the way we'd want to, on our own terms. It's better to die in your lover's arms than not, wouldn't you agree?”

“Yeah, whatever,” I spurred on, wanting to get this guy's bitched supervillain monologue out of the way so I can move on with my life, whatever was left of it.

“But I had to respect his memory. And make it look like he succumbed to natural causes. And it would have been so easy if it wasn't for you. YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOOOU!”

The Nurse's little speech was oscillating between unhinged calm and bratty whining.

“It was a backup plan,” he proceeded. “If someone had to take the blame, then it'd have to be you. Who else but a paranoid, drugged up, sexually repressed failure who spends off of his time watching cartoons?”

“They're not cartoons, they're animated drama, asshole.”

“You should have stayed in your room. If you did that, none of this would have happened. Hisao's family would have been spared and you would have been allowed to return to ...normal. But no. You had to barge in and force my contingency plan.”

“It was a pretty shitty contingency plan. I could come up with better schemes while taking a dump.”

The nurse mumbled and groaned. Soon, my field of vision turned into a beige shadow that was closing in fast.

“There's still time,” he croaked while mashing the pillow into my face while wrestling my neck brace open. “I could make it look like your restraints came loose, and you accidentally smothered yourself in the night after confessing that you raped Hisao to death.”

Every good hero needs a good villain. For the rest of us, there are incompetent assholes like this guy. Freeing my restraints turned out to be a fatal error. Wrestling a grown man putting his weight on my face put my neck in agony but well, it's not like I had any other option, did I?

The thrashing and gnashing paid off, though. The pillow slipped away and gave way to bare hands trying to smother me. A hostile finger found its way into my mouth and I bit down. Hard. You know how in movies the hero has to beg the gods for spiritual energy to lift a big ass rock off an orphanage or something? It was like that, but just with my mouth. My efforts paid off and I was rewarded with a severed finger and a mouth full of hot, iron flavored blood.

I heard my adversary drop to the ground and take to screaming bloody murder in between cries of “IT DOESN'T MATTER! IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE” and “OH GOD IT HURTS, IT HURTS! HISAO, I'M COMING!”

Finally, the cavalry showed up and men in baby blue scrubs hauled us separately out of the room. If it was the screaming that got them here, why didn't they come earlier. The place must have had pretty damned good soundproofing.

That was it, I suppose. Nurse didn't have the balls to do anything but confess his heart out like a little bitch, and being drugged during the whole incident almost wiped my record clean. Still, it was a pain in the ass on so many levels. I resolved right then and there that any friend of mine can avenge his own damned self. That's what ghosts were for, right?


“You suck at this, Tezuka.”

“I always wanted to push someone in a wheelchair. And Emi wouldn't let me push her around in one.”

“Well, you're not really pushing, but like kicking me repeatedly.”

“Oh. You think she wouldn't want that?”

I went from hero to zero in four weeks flat. All that fine work I did was ruined. Hakamichi and Mikado were back to treating me no more like shit than they did anyone else. Satou was back to being... Satou, I guess. Hell, she made me lunch for allegedly helping her girlfriend confront her pyrophobia or something. It was probably poisoned, but I was pretty hungry.

Worst of all, I had gone from being king of the blind to being on the bottom of the cripple food chain with TWO disabilities. The system sentenced me to physical therapy, with an extra helping of Emi Ibarazaki, administered rectally. Seriously, I had fallen so hard I couldn't even wipe my own ass.

I hit rock bottom and every day had me digging deeper. My life turned upside down and all I had to show for it was Rin insisting on being extra chummy with me.

“I can roll myself now, you know.”

“Nope. No you can't. You might mess up your arms. Then I'd have to do this even longer.”

“I can't wait until I'm out of this chair, and you're out of my life.”

“Well, then I guess it's okay to keep from getting better. I like you in a wheelchair and I prefer it if it's either this or you being gone.”

“So you're going to try to kill me?”

“I'll try not to... Oh, Kenji...”


“Does your penis still work?”

Last edited by kosherbacon on Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Kenji vs. Everyone, Page 18

Post by Worthington » Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:08 pm

Pointing out the individual things in this story that made me laugh my ass off would be too time constraining, and I'm on an iPod. Suffice it to say, I am glad Im not the only one who appreciates the awesome paragon of manliness known as Kenji Setou.
Got my feet in the air and my head on the ground.


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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Kenji vs. Everyone, Page 18

Post by Snicket » Tue Sep 20, 2011 1:05 am

Damn it KB, i had a short i was going post with Rin in it. Now i can't post it! AHHHHH! lol jk, i'm still gonna post it, AFTER i fix all the grammar and spelling errors.

Anyway as for the story, i honestly didn't see the ending coming. I mean i really didn't see it coming. Though it some what fits, since 'nurse' isn't the only character that hasn't been 'tweaked' by the writefags.

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Kenji vs. Everyone, Page 18

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Sep 20, 2011 2:14 am

Bacon is back!
I have to admit I didn't see the ending coming either. I thought I did, but you surprised me anyway.
Damn. One more point to Kosher :-(
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Kenji vs. Everyone, Page 18

Post by Esa94 » Tue Sep 20, 2011 9:35 am

I'd say you're awesome but you already knew that.

Good job on (yet again) writing one of the more hilarious pieces of fanfiction I've ever read

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Kenji vs. Everyone, Page 18

Post by Goldilurks » Tue Sep 20, 2011 10:32 am

Fuck My Is Brain Of Full

What was it in Lilly's hair that provoked the masturbation attack? I figured out what "Did somebody sneeze in my hair?" meant, but the thing with a mouth? Was that her ribbon???
This one needs to lurk moar. This one lurks too much! Ahh, this one lurks juuuuust enuf.
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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Kenji vs. Everyone, Page 18

Post by Grand Haberdasher » Wed Sep 21, 2011 12:09 am

I like how matter-of-fact Kenji is about his, ah, "encounters." "Then I had another threesome, so I had to clean off and move on to more important things."

You'd think the revelation that all the girls were innocent and a fellow male was guilty would give Kenji something to think about.

@Goldilurks: Yeah, probably the ribbon. As seen through a shitton of drugs, some of which might have been hallucinogens.
If learning about marine animal mating habits while browsing cripple porn is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Kenji vs. Everyone, Page 18

Post by Leotrak » Mon Oct 03, 2011 9:35 am

... Curse you, bacon, you made me snort water T_T"
"ice-cream-flavoured ice-cream" -Rin
"oh moe is me" -me
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Before: Hanako>/=Emi>Rin>Lilly>Shizune
After: Emi>Rin>Hanako>Lilly>>>>>>>>>>>Shizune

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Kenji vs. Everyone, Page 18

Post by kosherbacon » Mon Jan 16, 2012 10:08 am

Well guys, I just finished Lilly's route(and by extension, Katawa Shoujo) like an hour ago, and It's freaking almost six in the morning. I need release, you know? I mean, this was a lot to deal with. I laughed, I cried, I got drunk with Hanako(like literally. I expected her route to suck so I did the whole path with a healthy buzz. It didn't suck, for those wondering), I coped with the heartbreaking truth that Akira owns a Mitsubishi Lancer, and I had all kinds of attitudes about imaginary people I hold dear turn upside down and inside out. This is a lot to for me to process, so bear with me, friends as I purge. I gotta do this.


In his hospital bed, Hisao looked to be a thoroughly defeated man, having been crumpled into a husk by the one-two punch of heartbreak in both the literal and figurative sense. Yet somehow, he had more to throw at his battle against fate.

Even the densest souls could see providence when it manifests itself. The impossible happened. She came back. He failed, miserably, but she came back!

Lilly and Hisao exchanged a long, hard silence that even without context was obviously a simmering cauldron of emotions ready to explode. So many things to say, so many things to unsay, and not enough cognitive muscle to sort out what was what. Hindered by the upper limitations of human communicative ability, the two resorted to just babbling out their souls like inebriated cretins.

“H-Hisao... y-you...”

“I had to, Lilly. I just couldn't let you go like that.”

“But... you almost di--”

“Shh, don't worry about me.”

The pot boiled over for Lilly. She should have known that keeping her composure under those circumstances was a futile battle. In a torrent of tears, she fell upon her lost love.

“Please, I have to. How can you tell me not to worry when you're here... like this?! If I shouldn't worry, then tell me why! Why did you come after me if you won't let me weep for you?!”

It was Hisao's turn to give. Internally, his forces were regrouping for a final, decisive push in the campaign of soul-baring. The torment that sent him on the warpath of love had to lead the charge.

“You left your pills in my room.”

“My what?” Lilly asked with a bewildered jump upright.

“You know, your birth control pills.”

Lilly desperately probed Hisao's forehead with touches of her fingertips. Maybe he was deleterious from fever. Or worse still, maybe he had brain damage from the incident. Surely, he wasn't bringing up contraceptives as a slick come-on hardly two days since almost dying!

“Um, wh-what do you mean?”

“I just figured that you'd want your pills to save the trouble of getting a new prescription. Trust me, it's not good to have gaps in your medication schedule. Believe me, I know.”

“Hisao... I never... planned on...”

“It's okay, Lilly. I know that since it's over between us, you'd want to move on. Maybe even have a rebound. It's normal these days. I'm okay with it.”

“You're not joking... are you,” Lilly mumbled, with her voice increasingly sour.

“Oh... oh no. How stupid of me!”

“Yes, Hisao?” a glimmer of hope burst out.

“You missed your flight, huh? Will you be able to get another one?”

“Oh,” Lilly groaned. “Sure, why not.”

Lilly quietly got up and without any further ceremony, headed to the door.

“Send me a postcard from Scotland!”

Goddammit Hisao...”


I'm totally okay with Akira being a lancerhag. I can live with this. Probably.

Also, was anyone else more surprised that Misha was not a natural pink-head than that she was gay?

Also, notice how Lilly had already been taking oral contraceptives the same weekend they started boning? Someone as careful as her wouldn't just start the pills right after becoming sexually active. Not to mention the time it takes to obtain the pills to begin with. She'd surely let most of a cycle go by at least. Either way, she started taking birth control before she and Hisao confessed to each other. Maybe even before she went to Scotland that first time. Crafty, eh? I can imagine the scene where she asks Hanako to help show here which pills on the blister pack where which while starting out.

"Wh-what are these pills for, Lilly?"

"Ara ara, just in case something interesting happens."

Alright, it's now 6:01. I feel better. Thanks, guys.

Waitaminute! Lilly was asked out by multiple girls while in catholic school, right? Notice how she said that she rejected them because she had a thing for her tutor, NOT because she wasn't into girls?

Ara Ara, there is hope yet...

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Lilly, Hisao, Page 18

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:23 am

Also, was anyone else more surprised that Misha was not a natural pink-head than that she was gay?
I sincerely doubt that there could be anyone LESS surprised that Misha is a lesbian than you. :twisted:
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Lilly, Hisao, Page 18

Post by Goldilurks » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:32 pm



This one needs to lurk moar. This one lurks too much! Ahh, this one lurks juuuuust enuf.
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Re: KosherBacon's writefaggotry: Lilly, Hisao, Page 18

Post by GG Crono » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:51 pm

You're a bad man, Kosher. A very bad man. You should feel deeply ashamed for writing this. Almost as much shame as I feel for laughing at it.

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