Christmas with the Nakais

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
Yuuki
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2009 1:12 pm
Location: My closed space
Contact:

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by Yuuki » Fri Dec 25, 2009 4:30 pm

i-i think its outstanding...compared to my writing skill, its amazing...i thin you've grasped Ikezawa-san's personallity perfectly...

i'm looking fowared to reading this.
once, I said nothing...and so much has changed since that day.

chaix
Posts: 82
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 8:51 pm

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by chaix » Sun Dec 27, 2009 3:41 am

sorry for the delay with these, family and DA:O are not conductive to proofreading. two sections as promised. If you want to ask about something please do, there's a few places some people might find...odd and i'd be happy to provide any explanation necessary.

Day 4

The obtrusive sunlight forcefully wakes me from dreamland. Wait… the sun? I turn over and check the alarm clock, it says 12:30. Here I was thinking Hanako was a late sleeper. At least she woke up while it was still in the morning. As I make my way downstairs I can smell steam and something else coming from the kitchen.

Hi:“mom? Are you making lunch.”

Ha:“h-Hisao?! You’re awake?”

Apparently I’ve startled Hanako, judging from her jumping at the sound of my voice. The combination of the apron and the revealing (at least for her) clothing make her look like a maid from one of those romantic comedy animes.

Hi: “you’re making lunch?”

Ha: “I woke up after your parents left, about two hours ago.”

Hi: “two hours… Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Ha: “I…I wanted to… but you looked like it was a good dream.”

Hi: “looked like? If you were close enough to see my face you should have gotten me up anyways.”

Ha: “n-not your f-face…”

It takes me a minute to process exactly what she means. I decide to shange the topic while we can still talk to each other.

Hi: “s-so, did you have anything you wanted to do today?”

Ha: “n-not really. D-did you have something in mind?”

Hi:“walking down to the park, read a book, making sure the laptop is set up right, Nothing much really. You could join me for the park trip and the book if you want.”

Her head bobs up and down like a small child being asked to go to their favorite toy store. After we finish the mostly cold lunch she had prepared, we started toward the small park near my house. I stop halfway through to rest on what seems like the only bench not covered by snow.

Ha: “is… is your chest hurting?”

Hi: “no, just my feet. You don’t have to lean into me so hard you know, one arm wrapped around mine would convey the girlfriend thing just fine.”

Ha: “I-I didn’t push you off the path did I?”

Hi: “don’t worry, it was only the one leg. I can just tell the nurse I did some resistance training over the break. It should keep him off my back for a few Sundays.”

She appears to be torn between feeling bad about making me walk through snow and the joy at the possibility of having me to herself more often. If it wasn’t so cute I would probably start talking again.

Ha: “d-do you want to head back? You said you needed to do something with your new computer.”

Hi: “I guess I probably should, I won’t have the time tomorrow.”

Ha: “w-what are you doing tomorrow?”

Hi: “picking up some supplies that they don’t sell around school. You can come along if you want.”

As I pick myself up off the bench I feel my right arm being squeezed and a slight force on my side again. Ah well, at least my foot will be too numb to be bothered by the wet sock.

(time skip)

Dad: “Hisao, Hanako, It’s time for dinner!”

Hi: “dinner?”

I twist my head back to look at the clock; it’s far later than I thought. Apparently my parents got home without either of us realizing it as well. Hanako leaves to go downstairs while I wait for the feeling in my arm to return.

Dad: “so you’re finally ready to eat are you?”

Hi: “sorry, my arm didn’t start working until a few seconds ago. When did you both get back?”

Mom: “a few hours ago, we didn’t want to risk interrupting you two so we tried to be quiet.”

Hi: “interrupt? We were reading the book that Hanako gave me yesterday.”

Mom: “reading a book? That’s a good one, we used to use… what was it dear?”

Dad: “hmmm… I think we called it a study session.”

If they’re talking about what I think they are, I really don’t want to hear this.

Hi: “we-we weren’t doing that, no way in hell we’d do that-”

Mom: “so you haven’t done it yet, just how long have you two been dating?”

Ha: “a-a few m-months. W-we started about a month after h-Hisao t-transferred.”

Mom: “I’m not sure whether to be proud of your self-restraint, or be disappointed in you for not going for it.”

I can’t believe I’m having this conversation, or that I seem to be on the wrong side of it. I can just make out my mother apologizing to Hanako… if someone can fix this without embarrassing the hell out of both of us, call me, we’ll trade places.

Dad: “so, are you going to make her wait until you get married?”

Hi: “er… uh…”

Ha: “H-Hisao s-said that we’d wait f-for when it f-felt right…”

Thank you Hanako.

Dad: “is that so? I guess if the moment’s not there it’s not there, right?”

Mom: “didn’t we wait almost-”

Hi: “can we please stop this conversation before the two of us need to forget this night entirely?”

The conversation ended rather abruptly after that, though my parents still made gestures to each other in whatever code they’d developed. The silence continued until everyone went to sleep.

(Time skip)

Day 5

The sunlight is shining onto my face again; I guess my body is getting used to being on vacation. I decide to forget about the possible ramifications and proceed to down the morning pills. I can smell lunch from downstairs. Remembering yesterday, I walk over to the table and calmly sit down. Hanako looks up just long enough to confirm it’s me, then goes back to whatever she had decided to make.

Ha: “are we going after lunch?”

Hi: “I guess so. I can wait for a little while if you want to do something else.”

Ha: “n-no, a-actually I was hoping we could get started early.”

We quickly eat lunch before leaving the house and heading to the shopping district.

Hi: “well that’s the snacks taken care of. Still need the tea, a new notebook… you need anything else?”

Ha: “I don’t need anything.”

To emphasize it, she squeezes on my arm. Good thing it is winter, or I might have to explain the huge bruise on my arm.

Hi: “uh could you snap out of couple mode for a moment? I’m actually trying to be serious here.”

Ha:”I can get what I need in t-town when we get back.”

Hi: “I’m kind of disappointed, I was hoping you’d have some kind of huge embarrassing secret. Something like a huge yuri collection or some weird fetish that you hadn’t told me about.”

I’m glad I whispered that last bit. She looks as though she ready to faint from all the blood rushing to her face.

Ha:“y-y-y-yuri?! I-I-I have n-no idea what you’re t-talking about.”

Hi:”don’t worry, I was just joking Hanako.”

She seems to calm down, but she still appears to be nervous about something. She can’t seem to tear her eyes off something behind me.

Hi:“hm? What’s wrong?”

Ha:”t-that girl is staring at you.”

Hi:“what girl-”

I instantly regret turning to look.

Iw:”hisao?”

Oh crap.

Iw:”is that you hisao?”

Hi:”uh… h-hello Iwanako.”

I can feel a slight tug on my jacket, Hanako must’ve recognized the name from the other night.

Iw:”you… look well. Is your… condition any better?”

Hi:”not really.”

Iw:”I’m sorry to hear that.”

This kind of forced politeness seems unbearable. She has to be feeling at least as awkward as I am, maybe worse.

Ha:“hisao?”

Hi:”oh… uh right. Hanako, this is Iwanako, we were in the same class.”

She glances up at me looking for confirmation of her suspicions. I give her a barely noticeable nod before she locks her eyes onto the other girl.”

Hi:“Iwanako, this is Hanako, we’re…”

Ha:“I-I’m his g-girlfriend.”

There’s… something Different about the way she said that, I just can’t quite place it?

Iw:”oh, I’m, sorry. I didn’t realize…”

Liar, Hanako was hanging onto my arm when she noticed Iwanako, there’s no way she couldn’t see that.

Hi:”s-so, how have you been doing?”

Iw:”o-okay I guess… my friends have been trying to set me up on dates. Most of the guys they try are too scared to though.”

Hi:”Scared… you mean about that? It wasn’t something I caught, it just happened to flare up right then.

Iw:”but you didn’t look sick before that… Maybe they’re worried I’m like some kind of detector for it.that every guy I ask out…”

Ha: ”d-don’t just g-give up.”

eh?

Ha:”I-if you give up, then you’ll be alone for the rest of your life.”

I try not to show any sign of pain from her crushing my bones so it doesn’t diminish her point. Sadly the nerves in my arm don’t seem to understand this, they’re screaming louder with every passing second.

Ha: “c-can I thank you for something?”

Iw:”what is it?”

Ha:“if you hadn’t asked Hisao, I-I would never have met him.”

Iw:”um… you’re welcome?”

Ha:”I’m… I’m sure you’ll find somebody. Someone who doesn’t care about that rumor and c-cares about you, and you’ll be happy.”

That was really inspiring Hanako, though it sounded like you ripped it from some romance show or after school special.

Iw:”I’m sure you’re right, it just… gets a bit tiresome after awhile.”

Hi:””

Iwanako disappears into the crowds after waving goodbye. Hanako then proceeds to steer me toward an empty bench and releases the stranglehold on my arm.

Ha:”d-do you feel bad for her?”

Hi:”I guess. I’m the reason she can’t seem to get a date after all.”

Ha:”do you want to help her?”

Hi:”sounds as though she doesn’t need any more help. Her friends were the ones who slipped the note in my math book.”

Ha:”hi-hisao?”

Hi:“hmmm?”

Ha:”y-you wanted to know if I had a f-f-fetish r-right?“

H:”I was just kidding Hanako you don’t have to tell me every-“

Ha:”I-I like… c-c-cosplay”

Hi:”… Eh?”

It takes me a moment to comprehend what she just said.

Hi:“Wait, you mean you want me to dress up like a butler or something?”

Ha:”n…no, I would want to be the one in…”

Hi:”so… when we’re together you want to dress up… l-like a m…maid outfit?”

Ha:”y-yes”

Hi:”i-it’s still you underneath the costume though right? you aren’t going to behave any differently.”

Ha:”y-yes.”

Hi:”then I d-don’t think I’d mind it. I thought you were going to-”

Before I can finish, Hanako has grabbed my hand and begins racing across the shopping district before stopping at a costume store and leaving me outside to go look for…whatever the hell she had in mind. As warped and slightly disturbing thoughts begin to take hold of my mind, she comes back out, bag in hand, and begins pulling me toward home without a word passing through her now smiling lips for the rest of the day.

(Time skip)

p.s.:if you were wondering, that haruhi reference was deliberate as was the Kanon/Clannad one in the previous. day 6 (the last day of this adventure) will be up as soon as I finish the last scene.
Last edited by chaix on Mon Aug 02, 2010 1:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
kosherbacon
Posts: 903
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:30 pm
Location: San Jose, CA, USA
Contact:

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by kosherbacon » Sun Dec 27, 2009 3:49 am

I see "Iw" dialog tags. I look forward to reading this.

EDIT:
Hi: “I’m kind of disappointed, I was hoping you’d have some kind of huge embarrassing secret. Something like a huge yuri collection or some weird fetish that you hadn’t told me about.”

I’m glad I whispered that last bit. She looks as though she ready to faint from all the blood rushing to her face.

Ha:“y-y-y-yuri?! I-I-I have n-no idea what you’re t-talking about.”
Lies. Everyone knows that Hanako is a huge yuri freak and that she has a Lilly shrine, complete with various bits of undergarments that "vanished" whenever she helps Lilly do laundry. :wink:

Another enjoyable read. The discomfort from the Hana-clutch might be a bit exaggerated but really I'm just nitpicking so that way my post seems halfway contructive. :mrgreen:

User avatar
Yuuki
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2009 1:12 pm
Location: My closed space
Contact:

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by Yuuki » Sun Dec 27, 2009 6:20 am

*clap clap clap*
this just keeps getting b-better ^^

although i understood his parents motives in the last chapter, i really like how you pulled it of ^^
once, I said nothing...and so much has changed since that day.

User avatar
kobe
Posts: 170
Joined: Thu May 07, 2009 4:11 pm
Location: The Internet

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by kobe » Sun Dec 27, 2009 1:02 pm

chaix wrote:
Ha:“y-y-y-yuri?! I-I-I have n-no idea what you’re t-talking about.”
I think I love you. Pure. effin. Genius.Even though it's a widely known fact that Hanako lieks teh yuri.

chaix
Posts: 82
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 8:51 pm

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by chaix » Mon Dec 28, 2009 3:39 am

just finished the last scene in this part, I hope that the end lives up to all of your expectations. I'm going to take a break then start working on the other three projects hiding on my computer (another 'holiday', A piece of rin/emi conversation that I want to use somewhere, and another Hanako fic).

Day 6

??:”Hisao are you still asleep?”

someone is apparently trying to wake me up. To hell with that, I’m still on vacation.

Hi:”I don’t have to wake up. There’s no school today.”

??:”we have to pack though… we’re s-supposed to head back today.”

Head back? It’s still the 27th isn’t it.

Hi:”it’s still the 27th isn’t it?”

??:”n-no it’s the 28th.”

Crap, what the hell happened? I just went to my room for a nap. I slowly open my eyes and turn over to see just who is trying to ruin my day.

Ha:“you slept through dinner. We…we tried calling you but you never came down.”

I grab the closest clock to confirm her story, unfortunately, it agrees with her.

Hi:”sorry, must’ve been more tired than I thought.”

Ha:”have you started packing yet?”

Hi:”did you?”

Ha:”I did it last night, so I can help you if you need it.”

I run through a list in my head to check if there’s anything I don’t want her to see: snacks… no, presents… no, books/manga… yes, clothes… no.

Hi:”I can handle it myself, no need to trouble yourself.”

Ha:”alright then, your mother is making breakfast right now so…”

Hi:”got it, I’ll be down after I change.”

Throwing yesterday’s clothes into a pile by the door, I throw on a shirt and pants before downing my pills and heading downstairs.

Mom:”morning Hicchan”

Dad:”morning”

Hi:”sorry for last night, I must’ve fallen asleep as soon as I lay down.”

Dad:”happens to everyone occasionally; at least you woke up early this morning.”

Hi:”not really, Hanako had to wake me up.”

His eyebrows rise as if he wants to say something, but decides against it.

Mom:”how cute. Did she kiss you like one of those sleeping princesses in the stories?”

I don’t even know where to start with that one. Probably better just to let it go.

Hi:“no she did not, there’s no way Hanako would try something like that.”

I look over to Hanako for support, seeing her blushing cheeks eats away at my confidence.

Hi:”you didn’t did you?”

Ha:”um well, no, but…”

Please don’t say but, nothing good ever comes after a ‘but’.

Ha:”I-I thought about it… but you rolled over b-before I could-”

Mom:”no no no, if you want something you should go for it quickly before the chance passes.”

She swiftly darts over and plants one on my father to emphasize the point.

Mom:”see? If you’re too passive, you two will never be able to be together and I happen to want grandchildren from my son.”

Well at least she doesn’t think we’re past that point already anymore. Somehow I think I’d rather have it stay-. Suddenly something covers my mouth, followed shortly after by something that I can only assume to be someone’s tongue. After a few seconds, it retreats as quickly as it appeared leaving me gasping for breath.

Ha:”l-like that?”

Mom:”exactly, you should feel free to go right after him whenever the mood strikes you.”

My gasps for breath must be affecting my hearing, there’s no way my mother just told Hanako to jump me whenever she feels like it.

Ha:”e-even if e-everyone is looking”

Mom:”that’s precisely when you should do it. Let everyone know that he’s yours before they even think about it.”

If that’s the way she went after dad, I feel sorry for him. From what I’ve heard, she used to be like Emi. One of those hyper-running-I get my own way types.

Hi:”what about me? Doesn’t my privacy or personal space matter?”

Mom:”nope, you have to do whatever makes her happy. And if she wants to display her feelings for you, then you just have to go with it.”

Dad:”I suggest switching to a tougher lock, and making sure you know the sound of her footsteps.”

This comment is answered with a light smack with the large wooden spoon my mother happened to have on hand. Thankfully this brought an end to the discussion and we were able to finish breakfast in relative peace.

(Time skip)

As I began packing the bag I had brought with me from school, I realized just how much junk I had bought yesterday. As I thought about just how I was going to stuff this into my bag I heard a voice at my door.

Ha:”hisao, c-can I come in?”

I quickly grab a pillow as a makeshift shield before I answer.

Hi:”sure”

She slowly opens the door before calmly sitting down next to me. She takes note of my (albeit flimsy) defense before starting.

Ha:”s-sorry for what I did this morning. I-it was rude of me to just jump on you like that.”

As much as I agree with her, hearing it come from her makes me want to apologize for some reason.

Hi:”n-no I don’t blame you for that. I blame my mother and her crazy dating ideas.”

Ha:”d-do you remember what happened yesterday?”

Hi:”the thing with Iwanako, or when you nearly pulled my arm off dragging me across the shopping district?”

Ha:”the… the first one.”

Hi:”sure I remember it, why?”

Ha:”d-don’t you think we look… similar?”

Hi:”you and Iwanako?”

Ha:”yes”

Hi:”hmm… maybe a little I guess. Why do you ask?”

Ha:”we…we look similar… so I-I was wondering i-if I was a r-replacement…”

Hi:”a replacement for Iwanako?”

Ha:”y-yes.”

Hi:”not possible.”

Ha:”are… are you sure?”

Hi:”by the time we started dating, memories of her were… blurry at best. How could I try to replace someone who I can barely remember?”

Ha:”I… I guess. I’m sorry for being like this.”

Hi:”eh, it could have been worse I guess. Any chance you could help me with this? I can’t figure out how I’m going to fit all of this in the bag.”

Ha:”s…sure, you already packed your… stuff then?”

Hi:”st-stuff?”

Ha:”the… the manga you keep in the top left-”

Crap.

Hi:”wh-when did-”

Ha:”l-last month… you went to the bathroom while we were doing homework and I was trying to find an eraser.”

The eraser excuse is flimsy at best, but back to the main problem.

Hi:”d-did you-?”

Ha:”n-no… I put it back after I realized what it was.”

Hi:”uh… thank you?”

My minds wheels are turning, each one attempting to find a way out of the awkward silence we now find ourselves in.

Hi: “s-so, uh back to packing.”

Ha:”r-right.”

Packing turns out to be a fairly quick affair with Hanako’s help. Within an hour we have everything in the bag. Unfortunately the awkward silence was still lingering in the air.

Hi:“how much time until we leave?”

Ha:”what time is it”

HI:”uh… 4pm”

Ha: “your father said we had to leave by five.”

Hi:”enough time for a walk then. You want to come with me?”

Ha:”no, your mother wanted to talk to me about something.”

Hi:”alright then, don’t let her talk you into something crazy.”

Ha:”a-alright”

(time skip)

As I get back to the house my father is loading our bags into the back of the car.

Hi:“is it time to go?”

Dad:”yeah, your mother and Hanako are still inside. Once they’re done we can get going.”

Hi:”want me to get them?”

Dad:”don’t worry about them, they’ll be fine.”

I slide into the back seat and wait. Within a few minutes the two come out of the house and take their seats in the car.

Hi:“any chance I get to know what you were talking about?”

Ha:”it… it was a girl thing.”

Hi:”a girl thing? Somehow the image of you and my mother talking about girl stuff doesn’t sit-”

Dad:”don’t bother trying to ask. Those kinds of things are best left unheard by us.”

Ha:”I’ll tell you when we get back to school.”

Hi:”thank you.”

Mom:”really, you should know better, thoughtless kid.”

(Time skip)

We arrive at the school just as the sun is setting. If the sky wasn’t a solid shade of grey, it would probably look beautiful.

Dad:”well have a good time hisao, try not to get yourself into any trouble with that neighbor of yours.”

Mom:”Don’t forget to call us hicchan, have a good time with your friends.”

Hi:”I’ll try.”

Ha:”thank you for having me.”

Mom:”we were happy to have you Hanako, just remember what we talked about okay?”

After we finish our goodbyes my parents get back into the car and begin their trip back home.

Hi:“want me to help you get your bag back to your room?”

Ha:”I’ll be fine.i’ll… I’ll come over to your room after I finish unpacking.”

Hi:”alright.”

We walk to the dorms together until we part ways at the entrance. I head up to my room and begin unpacking. By the time I hear a knock at the door, the only thing left to do is set up the laptop.

Ha:”Hisao?”

Hi:”come in, I’m almost done unpacking.”

She walks in carrying a bag and sits down on the bed.

Ha:”you wanted to know what your mother and I were talking about right?”

Hi:”I guess, unless it’s something personal or something like that.”

Ha:”well she asked if I knew about… that…”

Hi:”I assume that would be my heart condition right?”

Ha:”y-yes, then she asked if we had been t-together.”

Hi:”did you…”

One very slow nod.

Ha:”she…she seemed really worried about it, so I told her. Then she told me that it was… that I should t-take care of you from now on.”

Hi:”take care… she didn’t mean…”

Ha:”she… she did. I…I asked.”

Hi:”well not much I can do about that now I guess, anything else?”

Ha:”that was everything.”

Hi:”so what’s in the bag?”

Ha:”c…could you wait outside for a moment?”

Hi:”I guess.”

I step outside and she gently closes the door behind me. A few minutes later I can hear a faint ‘you can come in now’ from inside. I open the door to find the room surprisingly empty. I walk over to the window to check if it had been opened and find it closed, just the way I left it.

Hi:“Hanako?”

I hear the door being shut behind me and spin around on instinct.

Ha”h-hello hisao.”

Hanako is standing between me and the door, wearing an extremly revealing ersion of a santa suit. The top barely covers her chest, the skirt… anything more than a 90 degree angle would probably give you a full view of her panties.

Hi:“hana-”

Ha:”I’m here to deliver your present from Santa Hisao.”

Hi:”a… present?”

Hanako slowly advances towards me, without any sign of nervousness or fear.

Ha:”yes, a present for you to enjoy to your… heart’s content.”

Despite half my brain telling me to abandon reason and leap on her. The other part is very insistant that something feels… wrong. Meanwhile, hanako is still getting closer. Eventually the combination of her proximity and my divided mind causes my legs to buckle and I end up sitting on the bed.

Hi:”um…Hanako? It’s still you under there right?”

Ha:”y-yes… is something wrong?”

Hi:”sorry, it was just a little… unnerving.”

Ha:”the suit?”

Hi: “no the suit is fine. The present from santa thing though…”

Her face reverts back to its usual, slightly nervous, expression while she lowers herself onto the bed beside me.

Ha:”I’m sorry… I’ve never done something like this before. I…I think I just got carried away.”

Her slightly red apologetic face fits the rest of her attire, it’s getting hard to restrain myself.

Hi:”uh Hanako… could I still have my present?”

Ha:”o-of course, if you still-”

Before she can finish I ram my lips into hers. As I feel her give in I wrap my arms around her, slowly lowering her onto the bed and adjusting her body. As I lift myself up to begin the process of unwrapping, I can hear her voice softly whispering in my ear.

Ha:”M-merry Christmas hisao.”
(end)
thanks for sticking with this until the end. I hope my next contribution is as well received as this one has been so far.

OtakuMegane
Posts: 31
Joined: Tue May 19, 2009 9:07 pm

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by OtakuMegane » Mon Dec 28, 2009 5:20 am

Oh god...Hanako...revealing santa suit...DO WANT :D

I've really liked this story and the ending is fun. Eagerly await moar of your works.
Lilly > Hanako > Misha > Yuuko > Emi > Rin > Shizune

<OtakuMegane> sdfgegervdrtt456rth?
<A22> who are you
<A22> yeah fuck it you have otaku in your name
<A22> the dislike just comes naturally
<OtakuMegane> :D
<A22> shu tup

User avatar
Yuuki
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2009 1:12 pm
Location: My closed space
Contact:

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by Yuuki » Mon Dec 28, 2009 7:42 am

i-i really like it.
you conveyed all the characters very well, and the story seems believable...you really have a talent for this..

i look foward to more of your writings.
once, I said nothing...and so much has changed since that day.

User avatar
coldacid
Posts: 148
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 4:43 am
Location: In ur head, weirdin' ur thoughts
Contact:

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by coldacid » Mon Dec 28, 2009 12:26 pm

Brilliant! At the beginning I was like "meh" but as I read on, I was more like "omg want"! Thanks for the great story, and kudos for not turning it into smut right at the end.
<coldacid> hanak-o's
<coldacid> taste best when burnt

User avatar
kosherbacon
Posts: 903
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:30 pm
Location: San Jose, CA, USA
Contact:

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by kosherbacon » Tue Dec 29, 2009 1:16 am

I liked the premise, and you deserve props for making an effort at fleshing out Hisao's parents, who currently have no actual canon personality.

User avatar
scopedknife
Posts: 43
Joined: Mon Dec 14, 2009 4:13 pm
Location: UK

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by scopedknife » Tue Dec 29, 2009 9:37 pm

A truly excellent fanfic, especially in terms of characterisation! You got everybody down to a t, even characters who haven't been at all fleshed out yet. Truly awesome.

Just thought I'd make one adjustment =P

Ha:”c…could you wait outside for a moment?”

Hi:”I guess.”

I step outside and she gently closes the door behind me. A few minutes later I can hear a faint ‘you can come in now’ from inside. I open the door to find the room surprisingly empty. I walk over to the window to check if it had been opened and find it closed, just the way I left it.

Hi:“Hanako?”

I hear the door being shut behind me and spin around on instinct.

Ha”h-hello hisao.”

Hanako is standing between me and the door, wearing an extremly revealing ersion of a santa suit. The top barely covers her chest, the skirt… anything more than a 90 degree angle would probably give you a full view of her panties.

Hi:“Hnng!”
"Do something you can't, just because you can." - In other words, troll life.

chaix
Posts: 82
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 8:51 pm

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by chaix » Wed Dec 30, 2009 5:25 am

I actually thought about it, then I figured I'd be killed for the cliffhanger/joke ending. plus it would drive me nuts later because it would feel too much like a cop out.

User avatar
Yuuki
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2009 1:12 pm
Location: My closed space
Contact:

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by Yuuki » Wed Dec 30, 2009 6:45 am

..yea, although the joke is funny, it kinda ruins the moment in "the" serious moment.
once, I said nothing...and so much has changed since that day.

User avatar
scopedknife
Posts: 43
Joined: Mon Dec 14, 2009 4:13 pm
Location: UK

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by scopedknife » Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:07 pm

To be honest, I'm very glad it didn't end that way lol
Just thought I'd put that one out there.
"Do something you can't, just because you can." - In other words, troll life.

User avatar
Ragnarok1991388
Posts: 48
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 1:59 am
Location: My Secret Lair

Re: Christmas with the Nakais

Post by Ragnarok1991388 » Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:03 pm

Perfection, absolute perfection. Hope to see even more from you. :mrgreen:
People who like this post may also like: tentacle rape, high pitched japanese moaning, and crying out "no! no! no!" (even though they really mean yes).

Post Reply