Feeling the Heat

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Post Reply
User avatar
PsychoPJ
Posts: 29
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 5:08 pm

Feeling the Heat

Post by PsychoPJ » Fri Aug 28, 2009 2:29 am

Revising. Going with an earlier idea.

I can't seem to find the time to write another one, so I'll just be putting this up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emi's Scenario

I watch Emi as she do her laps. It was an unusually hot summer day. Feeling lazy, I lay under the shade with my book. The entire track team has come together today. Which happen to be composed of only four people, including Emi. A school like this is not likely to have large athletic teams. She came early and went ahead of them. After a few laps, Emi comes off the track.

Emi: “It’s so hot. I’m sweating like a pig.”

Hisao: “Of course. It’s the middle of summer and you’re running. You must be a masochist.”

Emi: “Hey! You should be running too!”

Hisao: “In this heat? Not a chance.”

Normally, she’d go into a lecture about maintaining a regular exercise routine. But today, she just flopped down next to me. The heat is sapping even her abundant energy. We sat there and watch the rest of the track club take their turn around. What were their names? I’ll just call them A, B, and C.

The one leading, Member A, looks like she’s wearing full-body spandex and one of those cooling devices around her neck. I think I heard Emi mention that she has to avoid even the smallest cuts, because she has low platelet count and would have trouble stopping the slightest bleeding. It must make it even hotter for her even with that neck cooler. Member B doesn’t appear to have anything wrong with her, but that just means I don’t know what her problem is. Member C trailing behind them has that constant bandana on her face. She’s appears to be severely allergic to anything she can breath in that’s not air. I got a glimpse of her face when she used her inhaler. She looked pretty cute.

Emi: “AAAAAAHH!!! It’s too hot!”

With that exclamation, she takes hold of the edge of her shirt and lifts it over her head. My eyes are practically popping out as I gape at her half-naked upper body. She’s wearing a white sports bra. I’m pretty those are suppose to make her chest flatter, and yet I’m looking down some significant cleavage. Are those padded? She catches me staring and smiles impishly.

Emi: “Do you like what you see?”

Hisao: “There’s nothing to see. You’re as developed as kid.”

Emi scowls and throws her shirt at my face. I slowly pull it away, wanting to let the scent of her body linger for a bit longer. By the time I finally have my eyes uncovered, Emi is sitting away on the edge of tree’s shade, as far as she can without getting sun-baked again. Her sulking back makes me smile and I turn back to my book. After a few minutes of silence, Emi reaches to her insulated tote bag. She takes out a cold chocolate candy bar from inside and opens it up.

*lick lick lick*

Emi licks her ice candy bar. She tilts her head to the side and runs her tongue up and down the shaft. Her tongue darts in and out erotically. She takes the tip into her mouth and sucks at it. The entire exposed head of the bar goes down almost all the way in her mouth.

*slurp slurp*

The heat from the warm sunny day is melting it quickly. The white cream drips out of the tip and she slurps it greedily. She moans, writhing in display of ecstasy. Her overacting makes it obvious that she’s intentionally making it look as suggestive as possible.

Hisao: “Do you have to slurp so loudly?”

Emi: “I’m just a kid. I got no manners.”

She’s showing way too much gusto in devouring her candy bar. There’s nothing very kiddy about the lewd way she’s eating. Eventually, the white cream drips down her bloomers. She looks down at her bloomers in mock anguish.

Emi: “Oh, no. It’s dirty now. I’ll have to take it off to wash it.”

She shoots a sly smile at my direction. I force myself to keep my eyes on the pages, but my attention is focus at the image I get from the corner of my eyes. But it seems she’s quite aware that I’m deliberately ignoring her. So to push things to the edge, she takes her bloomers off. At that moment, I spot the Member A turning to look over here.

*whap*

Not wanting to be misunderstood, I close my book hurriedly and stand up. Turning on my heels, I start to walk away. Just when I thought I’ve left her behind:

*step step step step*

*thuk thuk thuk thuk*

I hear the sounds of her prosthetic steps keeping space behind me. After a few minutes of this, I stop. When I look back, Emi has stepped the side. She seems like she looking at something else interesting while whistling innocently. Of course, it’s not very convincing since she’s doing it in her underwear.

*step step step step*

*thuk thuk thuk thuk*

I stop again and glare back at her. Again, she pretends to look at something else, even with a barely-hidden look of amusement on her face. I quickened my pace.

*step step step step*

*thuk thuk thuk thuk*

Then I break into a run. The steps thunder right behind me as I move away from the fields.

*step step step step step*

*thuk thuk thuk thuk thuk*

I sprint across the school ground with Emi hot on my heels. Of course, the chase didn’t last long as I’m out of energy after a few minutes. I place a hand on the wall of the school building to support myself. Of course, Emi is right behind me, not even short of breath with that candy bar still in her mouth. She’s standing half-naked in her underwear. I notice that she’s also carrying her clothes and bag. It makes it even more humiliating how easily she manages to keep up while encumbered. She walks past me with a smug look on her face and goes into the locker room.

When recovered, I start pacing. For some reason, I’m still hanging outside the locker room. Just what am I waiting for? Surely it’s not for Emi.

Emi: “Hisao?”

I pause, wondering if I should if I should answer her.

Hisao: “What?”

Emi: “Help me with something.”

Wonder what she would need help in, I enter the locker room. I go past one row of lockers, then I spot Emi, still in her underwear. Wary, I keep my distance.

Hisao: “....What do you need?”

Emi makes an innocent-looking face at my suspicious tone. I’m on to her, and I’m not falling for it.

Emi: “I just need help with my bra. Can you please unhook it?”

Hisao: “Don’t give me that. Why in the world would I help you!?”

Emi: “Please?”

Emi busts out her patented puppy-dog eyes with an adorable pout. It takes all my willpowers to resist. But I stand firm and cross my arms. She takes the hint.

Emi: “That’s too bad... oh, never mind. It came off.”

I quickly turn away as she slips the straps of her bra off her shoulders. As I’m turning around, I saw her lips twitch into that mischievous smile at the corner of my eye.

Emi: “Why are you looking away Hisao? Can it be that you’re embarrassed at seeing a girl body?”

Hisao: “No. I just don’t want to look at your underdeveloped body. It makes me feel like I’m ogling my little sister.”

I don’t have a sister and I don’t really see Emi as one, especially right now, but I won’t let her have the satisfaction of me admitting that.

Emi: “Well then... oniichan. You wouldn’t mind joining me in the shower, since we’ve taken baths before, right?”

Hisao: Sure. Wait, I mean–“

Emi: “Okay! Come on!”

Hisao: “Hey! Let me go!”

Emi pulls me towards the showers. I struggle to break free while trying to avoid looking at her bare chest, but she’s surprisingly strong.

Hisao: “Let go! You’ll get me arrested for incestuous statutory rape!”

Surprisingly, she lets go. Did she take that seriously? I rub my arm to restart the circulation. She has quite the grip.

Emi: “Is that all you see me as... a little sister?”

Hisao: “Yeah. A bratty and annoying sister.”

Emi: “I’m not your little sister.”

Hisao: “Of course, we’re not really related, but-”

Emi: “I’m not your little sister. Or a brat. Or even jailbait. I don’t want to you to think of me anything like that.”

Hisao: “Emi?”

Emi: “I’ve never liked it when people call me things like that. That they think I’m someone who hasn’t grown up, immature. Like I wouldn’t mind what they’re saying, that I’m a kid who don’t understand. But I do mind, and I do understand. And I don’t want you, most of all, to think of me as one.”

I turn towards her. Her head is lowered and her bangs are covering her eyes.
Emi pulls off one of the ties the bind up her pigtails. She turns to me with a serious look on her face. I’ve never seen her wear such an expression before.

Emi: “I want to you to see me a woman.”

I forced a laugh.

Hisao: “You’re being oversensitive.”

Emi: “I’m serious.”

Slowly, she slips her hand under my shirt.

Emi “I have needs. And I...”

Her fingers stop at the center of my chest. Then just as suddenly, she withdraws her hand and turns away. I put my hand to my chest and touch my scar. It seems she remembers how she’s a factor in near close calls with my heart.

I place my hands on her shoulders comfortingly. She turns and hugs me tightly. I wrap her in my arms and rock her gently. We stay there like that for a long moment.

Then the door bangs opens. The rest of the track team has arrived.

Emi: “Quick! In here!”

Emi shoves me into one of the shower stalls with her following behind and closes the door. The footsteps of the track team entering the locker room comes closer until they stop in front of the lockers. The sound of their chattering fills the locker room.

Emi and I wait in the shower stall in bated breath. The sound of lockers opening and clothes shuffling drifts over the stall doors. So far, we weren’t noticed. But then–

Track Member A: “Where’s Emi?”

Track Member C: “I think she’s around. Her stuff is still here. Maybe she’s in the showers.”

At that moment, the door to our hiding place swung open and we come face-to-face with Member B. We freeze in place like deer caught in the headlights. We’re caught like rats in a trap.

Then the girl went to the next stall.

Track Member B: “Emi? You there?”

I breathe a sigh of relief. For some reason, she didn’t notice us then. Just when I thought we have avoided impending doom, the door bangs against the door frame and swings open again. Now the other two have us in full view. Member A is out of her tights and in her underwear. Member C is looking at us with eyes wide open. Her mouth would probably be hanging open if it wasn’t covered with a medical mask. She must have been wearing it under her bandanna. We are all rendered speechless as we stare at each other’s half-naked bodies, fully naked in Emi’s case.

Track Member A: “Emi? ...Hisao?”

Track Member C: “That’s Hisao? He’s here too?”

Track Member B: “Emi’s here with Hisao? Where?”

I stand up, and the almost inaudible shuffling sound I made somehow draws Member B back to our stall. Member B swings her head left and right, almost looking like she’s shaking her head, while rocking side to side. The scanning ends with her eyes focused on Emi.

Track Member B: “There you are Emi. But where’s Hisao?”

While I’m wondering whether I should speak up, Track Member A looks at Emi in her birthday suit and my loose shirt and nods as if she comprehends exactly what’s going on.

Track Member A: “Excuse us. We didn’t mean to interrupt you. ”

Hisao: “Uh, it’s all right. I’m just leaving.”

Track Member A: “Oh, no no. It’s all right. I’m sure you two would want some privacy.”

Hisao: “This is not what it looks like.”

Track Member A: “Don’t worry. We understand. I’m sure you’ve been looking forward to this.”

Hisao: “Wait, what do you mean by that?”

Members A and C exchange looks. Member B looks just as clueless as I probably look right.

Track Member C: “Well, Emi here has been crushing on you even since you came here.”

I look at Emi. Her face has turned red as a tomato.

Track Member C: “She talks about you all the time. We thought you were going out with her. Whenever we had a team meeting, she would always bring the conversation to about you. She goes on and on and on, it gets annoying at times. I’d rather you do her now. That way, when she talks about you, at least it would be more interesting.”

Track Member A: “Don’t worry. You can push her down any time. You have our approval.”

I’m flabbergasted how upfront they are with something like this. Then I felt Member B put her hand on my shoulder. I turn towards her.

Track Member B: “There you are. Hisao do you like Emi?”

It seems she finally caught on. I nod. Then I realized that she may not recognize something like body language.

Hisao: “Yes.”

Track Member B: “Will you love and cherish her?”

Hisao: “I will.”

Track Member B: “Will you take her as yours?”

I give a nervous laugh. This line of questioning is getting uncomfortable. Then I clear my throat.

Track Member B: “To have and to hold?”

Hisao: “That goes with the previous question, I think.”

Track Member B: “For better or for worse?”

Hisao: “Yes?"

Track Member B: “For richer or for poorer?”

Hisao: “Wait, what-”

Track Member B: “In sickness and in-”

Hisao: “Hold it! I’ll probably go out with her, but thinking about marrying her is getting way ahead of ourselves.”

Member B pulls back, looking thoughtful. Then she smiles and nods, looking satisfied.

Track Member B: “Good enough.”

She joins the rest of the other two members who look like they’re about to burst in laughter.

Track Member A: “Come on everyone. Let’s give the two some privacy.”

She throws a wink at us. Then the track team except Emi filed out of the locker room. I can hear the sound of giggles come in from the outside.

The door closed and we were left alone again. There’s an awkward silence between us.

Hisao: “You– Uh... Do you...?”

I try to think of with something to say, but I come up with nothing. Then Emi steps forward. We start kissing. Emi is using her tongue a lot. Where’d she learn that?

Emi: “So... want to fuck?”

I stare at her. I didn’t expect something like that to come out of her. But then again, I wasn’t expecting the reaction we got from the track team either.

She slowly unbuttons my shirt and helps me slip out of it. I loosened my belt and my pants drops down. Emi cups my face between her hands and pull me in a deep kiss. I stepped out my pants and we fall back to the lockers. I pull off her other tie on her remaining pigtail. Her hair falls down. It’s longer than I thought. I run my fingers through her hair and look her in the eyes.

Hisao: “Are you ready?”

Emi smiles and lays down on the benches. She stretches out her arms open to me. I bring myself over her body and fall into her.

My hands run over her body and fondle her breasts. Cupping one, I suck on her nipple. It became erect and I tease it with my tongue. My left hand reach into her panties and start stroking between her legs. She writhes in pleasure, then moans. When I pull out, my fingers are moist and her underwear is dripping wet. She draws in a breath and sits up. Emi looks at me with yearning in her eyes.

Emi: “Hisao. Take me now.”

Code: Select all

>>>>   Go for it!
       Take your time.
Unable to hold on any longer, I ripped off the rest of my clothes and push her back down. She squeals in delight. We assume the missionary position.

Hisao: “Get ready to get your mind blown!”

Emi: ”Ooh... Hisao! HISAO!”




Hisao: “....”

Emi: “It’s okay, Hisao. I’m sure other people have problems on their first time too.”

Hisao: “I doubt that.”

It was the most damaging shot to my manhood in my entire life. My rocket won’t take off. It won’t even ignite even when it’s rubbed raw. This must be the kind of experience that I’ll be needing therapy with later in life.

Emi hugs me and squeezes my hand. I know she means well, but her comforting just makes it worse. One of the most important events between a boy and a girl, and I couldn’t make the play. I couldn’t even get into the field. How humiliating. I sighed and stood up.

Hisao: “Might as well get out of here.”

We get dressed. I open the door, and the track team goes tumbling back the Member A immediately picks herself, acting like she just tripped. She looks at me, looking surprised.

Track Member A: “Oh, Hisao. Are you guys done in there? We were just coming back.”

Lies.

Member C is conspicuously avoiding my eyes. They obviously overheard what happened. It can’t be more awkward than it already is. At least they had the discretion not to bring it up.

Track Member B: “Hisao, I’m sorry about your penis. But don’t worry. Millions of people suffer from erectile dysfunction. It happens when not enough blood flows to the penis. It’s a medical condition. So in most cases, erections will not improve without treatment. But don’t let erectile dysfunction ruin your sex life. Vi*gra can help you. Check with your doctor to see if it’s right for you.”

I was wrong. Tactlessness came in a commercial blurb. Now she’s going to offer me Enz*te for natural male enhancement.

Track Member B: “Oh, wait. You have a heart condition, so drugs won’t work. Never mind. You’re doomed. You’ll probably have to learn to live a life without sex. Unless you don’t mind just being a giver?”

My face is undoubtedly looking tomato red in a mixture of embarrassment, frustration, and anger. Not wanting to let them see it, I flee the scene. I can hear their whispering chastisement toward Member B, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. The damage has been done.

Emi: "Hisao, wait!""

I run all the way to my room. Well, I would have, if I didn’t get tired less than halfway through. So I slowly paced the rest of the way. I can’t even storm off in rage without being exhausted.

Worst day ever.
Last edited by PsychoPJ on Tue Sep 15, 2009 4:54 am, edited 9 times in total.

User avatar
EmP|ty
Posts: 126
Joined: Mon May 11, 2009 1:36 pm
Location: England, Hampshire.

Re: Feeling the Heat

Post by EmP|ty » Fri Aug 28, 2009 2:52 am

I...didn't even really get halfway through it, you basically skipped any hope of keeping me interested when you decided to throw it all out of the window from the word go! and just make it a massive generic "flirt then shower scene hurr".
Which is fine, If done well.
Either you haven't written something like this before, or whoever you show it too gives you DeviantArt pussy criticism.


You say you thought about Emi's personality, and while it was a good step to take by figuring someone like her would have more friends, you then seemed to take three steps back and not develop on her character at all from what's given in the KS demo, in fact you flattened THAT out until there are just three character traits - 'flirt', 'childish' and 'competitive'.
Which just makes any hope of salvaging this pretty lame.

Also there are spelling and grammar mistakes, for example "Emi: “I want to you to see me a woman.”" does not make sense, it should be "I want you to see me as a woman."
proofread something, then leave it an hour or two, come back, and proofread it again, if you proofread right after writing something your eyes will only skim the text generally, you will miss things others would notice because you just finished writing it, so your brain essentially fills in the blanks because you know exactly what you wanted to write.



I would say "I don't mean to be offensive", but in this case I actually mean to be offensive, hopefully then people will stop writing this sub-par fanfiction. hell that would be the day.

These kind of scenario's in general are pretty lame, they feel forced, they feel like I'm just delving into the fantasies of some perverts mind, unrefined, uninteresting to an outsider, and so generic it hurts.
This kind of thing is a dime a dozen, develop the characters more than they are from the demo, keep the reader interested, make something actually happen apart from "hurr shower scene, that'll draw in people right?", don't rely on some gimmick like that, sure you can put one in as an addition to good writing and fine storytelling, but don't rely on such a thing.

User avatar
Deimos
Posts: 365
Joined: Mon Jun 22, 2009 3:19 pm
Location: A Throne In Hell

Re: Feeling the Heat

Post by Deimos » Fri Aug 28, 2009 8:41 am

One minor detail: sports bras (normally) don't have hooks.

And well, as far generic writing concerns me: There is a trend to simplify human emotions and interactions, as well as a trend to make KS more Western. I do not mean to make every second expression Japanese like people screaming SUGOOII or KAWAIII but portraying a rigid and strict society as Japan as a normal high school in the writer's own country seems to be prevalent in fanfiction.

Same with the portrayal of sex. Granted, some VNs are one of the media which give us a certain impression of sexual behaviour but that cannot be counted as realistic or overall desirable.
Basically: Transforming girls into people who readily delve into the realms of sex minutes after confirming mutual affection is something only to be seen in pornographic material and badly written fanfictions.
Additionally I cannot see someone freely teasing someone else sexually at a private boarding school out in the open.

/ weaboo speak

I thought you wanted to go with realistic depictions of their "first time" but cliche-ridden lines about small breasts, growing up, wanting to be seen as a woman are not helping. You are doing the right thing with concentrating on the circumstances of their first time but in this story it just didn't work.

Hanako scenario in the original thread was good: short, simple and in-character both for awkward teenagers and especially Hanako.
Ahh, Morticia? I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.

User avatar
PsychoPJ
Posts: 29
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 5:08 pm

Re: Feeling the Heat

Post by PsychoPJ » Sat Aug 29, 2009 6:03 am

I was right. It is as bad as I thought. :oops:

Unlike with Hanako or Rin, I just can't seem to click with Emi. After beating this around for 3 weeks, I figured it can't be that bad. But your response reaffirms that.

Anon XD
Posts: 10
Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2009 1:04 am

Re: Feeling the Heat

Post by Anon XD » Wed Sep 23, 2009 6:17 am

Oh....the shame..the shame...all my hopes and dreams.. smashed :(

Post Reply