ccdr wrote:Anyway, I originally intended for this to be much, much longer detailing the death of Hisao, and even a little funeral scene. I kinda wanted to write about Kenji and Hanako's changes in personality, maybe even have Kenji beat a dude up or something. I have bits of paragraphs saved in a txt file here and maybe one day I'll write the complete things.
I'm terribly sorry about my stop and go writing style, I'm trying to fix that.
I'm working on an Iwanako POV thing, so maybe look foreward to that?
All glory to Silentcook-toad as always
I'd very much love to see Hisao's last days and the interactions between both Hanako and Kenji, who seems to have remained his true bro throughout the years.
And just how does Iwanako factor into the whole thing? Or is that a separate fic you're working on?
I'm looking forward to more work from you, cc- ALL GLORY TO THE SILENTCOOK-TOAD.
Donnes-moi le chocolat, Hisao! Gib mir die Schokolade, Hisao! Dame el chocolate, Hisao! Dammi il cioccolato, Hisao! Ge mig choklad, Hisao! Giv mig chokolade, Hisao! 私にチョコレートを与える, 久夫! Daj mi czekoladę, Hisao! Geef me de chocola, Hisao! (Thanks for the Dutch ver. Leotrak) Bigyan mo ako ng chocolate, Hisao! Geef mij de chocolade, Hisao! Дайте мне шоколад, Хисао! Dá-me o chocolate, Hisao!
ccdr wrote:Anyway, I originally intended for this to be much, much longer detailing the death of Hisao, and even a little funeral scene. I kinda wanted to write about Kenji and Hanako's changes in personality, maybe even have Kenji beat a dude up or something. I have bits of paragraphs saved in a txt file here and maybe one day I'll write the complete things.
I'm terribly sorry about my stop and go writing style, I'm trying to fix that.
I'm working on an Iwanako POV thing, so maybe look foreward to that?
All glory to Silentcook-toad as always
I'd love to see you expand on this. The writing style wasn't terrible, but if you're going to attempt to improve on it, be my guest. I'd love to see Kenji "THIS FIST OF MINE GLOWS WITH AN AWESOME POWER!!!". Also, does Hisao die after having wild unbridled sex with Lilly, or is it beating up a guy in her honor? Personally, I prefer the ass-whooping option. But that's just me, you write what you think would work.
The Laughing Man wrote:
Also, does Hisao die after having wild unbridled sex with Lilly, or is it beating up a guy in her honor?
Pretty sure he was with Hanako...
ccdr wrote:
She reaches up and brushes her long dark hair out of her scarred face.
She leaves, this time with her head held high.
HERE LIES NAKAI HISAO
"Requiescat in pace"
Also, I'm betting that he croaked due to seeing both Hanako and his daughter get embarassed.
AT THE SAME TIM-HHHHNNNNGGGGGG
Donnes-moi le chocolat, Hisao! Gib mir die Schokolade, Hisao! Dame el chocolate, Hisao! Dammi il cioccolato, Hisao! Ge mig choklad, Hisao! Giv mig chokolade, Hisao! 私にチョコレートを与える, 久夫! Daj mi czekoladę, Hisao! Geef me de chocola, Hisao! (Thanks for the Dutch ver. Leotrak) Bigyan mo ako ng chocolate, Hisao! Geef mij de chocolade, Hisao! Дайте мне шоколад, Хисао! Dá-me o chocolate, Hisao!
Apologies. I just went to merriam webster. In my quarter century of life, I thought i had heard all the words in the English lexicon - and am inundated with all the stupid combination words (pormanteus) that get pumped out these days. You learn something new everyday I 'spose.
Your story was bro-fully brotacular. Of the finer points, you do a good job of leaving a small amount of mystery in this short story, you drop one name in the dialogue, and leave only the visual indicators to complete the picture. Well thought, well implemented. Descriptors read like a pro book. Very nice.
Gotta ask, why Aokigahara? Chosen at random? Some deeper meaning?
"Damn, we sure had some memories here, huh." Exhale smoke, inhale smoke. "Christ, I was such a little shit back then. I can't believe you hung out with me man. I was nuts."
"You're still nuts. I don't think that guy is ever going to recover. You're lucky you didn't get charged with assault. Kenji, hero of the war against women, beats a guy up for bad mouthing a girl."
Exhale, inhale. "He shouldn't have said that. I may be legally blind but not deaf. I could hear how he felt."
There is an awkward pause between the men on the roof. They stood here once, drunk off their asses, when they were younger. To Hisao, it seemed like such a far away memory that he couldn't even associate the two kids in it with their future counterparts. They seemed doppelgangers, similar but not quite the same.
"Still, good times. Good times." Kenji somehow sounds completely the same with a cigarette in his mouth. Hisao frowns, looks at the grin on his friend's face, then back towards the blue, open sky.
"Was it really that fun...?" He murmurs. He grips the decaying chain-link fence in one hand.
"You're tellin' me you didn't enjoy it? You seemed like you were having fun to me." Kenji with his bat-like hearing again.
"Kenji...let me say this. You were born with your sight issue, correct?"
The other man grinned at the understatement of 'sight issue'. Yamaku had made them all politically correct. "Yeah."
"This is kinda hard to explain, but...you wouldn't know what it would be like to be suddenly cured of it. You wouldn't know what to do with yourself if you woke up one morning and could see perfect. You might rejoice. You might experience sensory overload and try to put out your eyes again. I don't know. But...I remember what I was before Yamaku. I was normal. I had normal friends. I flirted with normal girls. I didn't need to get a check up every week. I was Alice before she looked in that stupid fucking mirror. One day I got curious and I decided to have a little peek at the mirror. Before you know it, boom, cripple wonderland." As he finished, Hisao's words took on a cynical distaste that was quite unlike him. Kenji frowned.
"So. Do you regret...this? Everything?"
"No. In fact, I'm infinitely grateful for what I've got now, considering. I found someone who I will love forever, gained friends that supported me at my lowest, and learned more about Risk tactics then I ever wanted to know. Still. Hell can have all your favorite people in it, but it'll still be Hell. Y'know." Hisao stopped for a second, seemingly at a loss for words. "Yamaku, to me, represents the turn for the worse in my life." He finished. Far below, on campus, cheers and laughter could be heard. Hisao could barely make out the cheerful sound of Emi's jokes and Rin's deadpan responses.
Kenji took a drag and exhaled. That seemed the appropriate response.
"Cheer up man. If Hanako heard you like this so close to your wedding she'd probably start sobbing."
"Ha. I know. It's just...hard, you know. To pretend. It sucks to go down there and smile and laugh, talk about Rin's new masterpiece, get my copy of Misha's book signed, talk to Lily about her kids, when we could all fall over and croak at any moment." Hisao sighed and let go of the fence. Harsh looking identations were embedded in his palms.
"Life is a game of pretend, mate. We're only true to ourselves when we're drunk or dying."
"Truth, huh..."
"Well!" Kenji stretched and flicked his cigarette through a hole in the fence. (Hisao marveled at his accuracy. Sometimes he felt more blind then Kenji.) "That's enough of that Zen koan depressing bullshit, let's go down there and get some soft pretzels or something."
"Sure."
They started walking, Hisao reaching the stairwell door before his friend. Holding the door open, he looked over his shoulder at the man in a deep black suit with thick glasses on. "Do me a favor, man." He says, starting his descent down the stairs.
"What?" Their voices echo in the stairwell.
"If I...y'know...ever get into some trouble or whatever-"
"Natch, I said no more depressing stuff." A pause. Footsteps echo. "I got your back. No worries."
"...Thanks."
"No problem. Now let's go enjoy this reunion."
The two men, boys no more, walk out into the warm sun. Emi, pausing in the middle of whatever joke she had half out of her mouth, shouts "Hey, Hisao!" into a microphone she seems to forget is there. Everyone turns and looks, and there is a startled pause for a second before everyone breaks out into laughter.
There, in the shadow of a building he hates, Hisao Nakai smiles genuinely for the first time in a long time.
Exhale, inhale.
It's a hell of a good day to die.
She heard mermaids, so it follows that something is rotten in the state of Denmark. I have an everlasting cold, but luckily I’m terribly dishonest. I cling to that.
<NicolArmarfi> so yeah speed grapher was bad
<NicolArmarfi> damn i only watched it because i thought that it was about a mathematician
<NicolArmarfi> who graphs things incredibly fast
How can you make me cry so, ccdr? It truly is the power of the bromance ;_;
Donnes-moi le chocolat, Hisao! Gib mir die Schokolade, Hisao! Dame el chocolate, Hisao! Dammi il cioccolato, Hisao! Ge mig choklad, Hisao! Giv mig chokolade, Hisao! 私にチョコレートを与える, 久夫! Daj mi czekoladę, Hisao! Geef me de chocola, Hisao! (Thanks for the Dutch ver. Leotrak) Bigyan mo ako ng chocolate, Hisao! Geef mij de chocolade, Hisao! Дайте мне шоколад, Хисао! Dá-me o chocolate, Hisao!
ccdr wrote:
I'm working on an Iwanako POV thing, so maybe look foreward to that?
Now I am really looking forward to it!
But you should probably put your additions in new threads because I fear not all people will catch on that you are continuing/writing the prologue of your first post.
Ahh, Morticia? I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.
Deimos wrote:This is seriously good, 8.5 of 10 points.
ccdr wrote:
I'm working on an Iwanako POV thing, so maybe look foreward to that?
Now I am really looking forward to it!
But you should probably put your additions in new threads because I fear not all people will catch on that you are continuing/writing the prologue of your first post.
i'll edit the title or something
She heard mermaids, so it follows that something is rotten in the state of Denmark. I have an everlasting cold, but luckily I’m terribly dishonest. I cling to that.
<NicolArmarfi> so yeah speed grapher was bad
<NicolArmarfi> damn i only watched it because i thought that it was about a mathematician
<NicolArmarfi> who graphs things incredibly fast
I said it before in another response to some fan fiction. I can't listen to music and read this stuff. Too powerful. Just to put it in perspective, the whole time I was reading this, Dropkick Murphys - As One. Look it up if you've a mind. The message there is more of one as a father/son thing, but the emotions of a bond by blood, no need to be repaid. If that isn't the definition of a BRO, I don't care to know what is.
Also, right as I read 'It's a hell of a good day to die.'
Cowboy Bebop - Blue.
Snow Patrol's "The Finish Line" started playing half-way through reading this. T_T
Good use of mood and dialogue this time, btw you might wanna change your thread title's date, unless you write your stories one month in the past... which would be awesome.
Okay, this one is about Hisao and Kenji. BROstory, I guess. Kenji is way way OOC, but I wrote that as him growing up and realizing what a dork he was. Not much else to say really. I guess I wanted to do away with that "WOOT YES CRIPPLE ACADEMY GONNA FUCK CRIPPLE GIRLS FUCK YES YOU ARE THE BEST SCHOOL EVER" image that some people have (christ that sounds really dumb) so I wrote Hisao as realizing that despite all the good stuff he's found in Yamaku, it's still a shit position to be in.
I think I have one more bit to this before I write the Iwanako bit...
If we're discussing music, I wrote this to Modest Mouse's Bukowski, SZS Bure OP, Blame it on the Tetons by Modest Mouse, and Coldplay's Strawberry Swing. (in b4 shit tastes)
anddd I think I'll go for a walk now. maybe have a smoke. goodnight bros and hos.
Good use of mood and dialogue this time, btw you might wanna change your thread title's date, unless you write your stories one month in the past... which would be awesome.
oh god how did that get there I am not good with time machine
She heard mermaids, so it follows that something is rotten in the state of Denmark. I have an everlasting cold, but luckily I’m terribly dishonest. I cling to that.
<NicolArmarfi> so yeah speed grapher was bad
<NicolArmarfi> damn i only watched it because i thought that it was about a mathematician
<NicolArmarfi> who graphs things incredibly fast
Good use of mood and dialogue this time, btw you might wanna change your thread title's date, unless you write your stories one month in the past... which would be awesome.
oh god how did that get there I am not good with time machine
*tsk* Sometimes, I just need to keep my big mouth shut. Just call me kill joy.
