Introduction and "Fan-scene"

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Otaku Dash
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Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2007 7:20 am

Introduction and "Fan-scene"

Post by Otaku Dash » Wed Sep 12, 2007 9:32 am

Hello all. ^^ As I've stated before, I'm a new member around the forum,
but I've been lurking ever since the thread on this project was put on
the Lemmasoft forums :) So after lurking for a while I decided to register
and show my apreciation/support for this project. Although I don't know
how much help I can be I would like to help in anyway I can.. even if it's
just with Ideas or brainstorming.

So after playing the first grid1 "demo" and reading various threads about
the charas.. since I had a bit of free time I decided to create a "fan-scene"
of sorts just for the fun of it. I tryed to follow the guidelines presented here
and so being.. please tell me if anything is wrong or needs to be redone.
I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy making it (it's still work in progress
though ^^;).

-----------------------------------------
"Fan-scene: an Eventfull afternoon"
Characters (order of appearence): Lilly, Hanako, Nurse-kun, Emi.

Finally!! Science class is over ....

I stretch my back to try and get rid of the soreness all over my body.

It's not like I dislike science... it's just.... two hours on a wodden chair, plus professor Muto's "monotone" voice it's the perfect combination to mess a guy up...

I give a few small taps on my left shoulder with my right fist, trying to dispell the stiffness on it..

Hi: "..oh..this is.."

I stop on my tracks, realising my aimless walk has brought me to the lakeside garden.

Moreover, I sense someone's presense nearby..

Hi: "Wait.. is that..Lilly?"

It takes me a while to realise it, but it is endeed Lilly. She's standing on the old wooden boat bridge... while simple, it seems so weak that it kinda worries me that she's standing on it.

Rin the other day told me that before the school was built, this place was popular among people and couples to take a boat ride along the lake. However, the small currents from the many rivers that merge here make it a challenge to cross....

I smirk at the idea of a romantic boat ride with someone special, before setting my mind on the situation at hand.

Why I she standing there all alone?

More than that, something on this scene strikes me as odd... like something is missing... it only takes me a few minutes to discover what is wrong. Niji, Lilly's dog, isn't found anywhere.

With this question in hand, I start walking towards her. Even with the creaking noise of the old bridge as I make my way to her.. she still hasn't noticed me.

Is she so absorved in her thoughts that she dosen't even realise I'm here?

Knowing Lilly's personality, something is definetly not right...

I'm about 5 ot 6 steps from her when I call to her.

Hi: "Lilly..? Are you ok...?"

She jumps as she hears my voice.

Lilly : "Oh my!..Hisao-kun..? Ah..!!!"

As she says this she quickly turns to face me, but on doing so she looses her footing, falling backwards into the ice cold lake.

Hi: "Oh no!! LILLY!!!"

I run towards the end of the bridge, but lilly shows no signs of resurfacing...

I feel my heart being cut open with guilt as the panic starts to install on my head. But before I can do anything Lilly, jumps out of the water gasping for air... a few meters ahead of where she fell.

The pain in my heart Stops for a moment... only to be replaced by sear terror: Lilly is struggling hard to keep on the surface. Her face and movements show signs of panic

Maybe... She can't swim!?

I scold myself for only realising this now. Oh her condition, chances where slim that she had learnt how to swim.

Li: "H-Help me!!!!"

Hi: "S-SHIT!! HOLD ON!!!"

I toss my jacket aside and rip the tie of my neck, before diving into the water. Soon a cold wet feeling envelops my body, however so does an very familiar sensation on my chest.

Hi: "S..shit... not... now..."

Since I didn't prepare myself to enter the water, my heart was starting to shows signs of an attack..

But.. I can't stand idle... she needs my help!

I swim as fast as I can towards Lilly, who is struggling to keep herself on top of the water.

My heart feels like a timebomb... screaming that it's going to blow soon if I keep this up.

But I can't stop now... not until I get her safe and sound.

Suddently, I can't see Lilly anymore... I just see her arms slowlly sinking...

As I see this sight, fear fuels my body further, as I speed up my swiming as fast as I can, ignoring my aching heart.

Diving near when I last saw her, I see Lilly slowlly sinking into the darkness of the lake.

Summoning my every ouce of strenght, I swim towards her and grab her hand, pulling her body close to mine as I start swiming towards the surface.

At this moment, It isn't just my heart screaming in pain... my loungs complain with the lack of air in them. If this keeps up I'm not sure if I'll make it!

Hi: "AHHHH!!!! *COUGH!* *COUGH!!* ahhh...ahhhh"

My body spasms as I reach the surface of the lake and fresh air envelops my loungs.

Calling strenght on my arms and back, I put Lilly's arms around my neck as I swim towards the shore, while trying to get her head out of the water as much as I can.

My body starts to weaken.. each and every part of it are now starting to shut down due to the cold and tiredness. My heart as this moment seems to have given up on warning me of what will come next.

But even if my heart breaks... even if my body collapses... at least her... at least she has to make it!

Finally I reach the shore of the lake... I keep coughing even though I just
got out of the water... my instinct is taking over so my boy holds up as much as it can.

Lilly is still on top of me, although I can't feel her breathing.

It finally hits me: She isn't breathing. The more I stand idel the more are teh chanses that she won't make it!

I gather the remaining streght on my body and lift her on my arms, before lowering her gently on a leveled grass patch.

I press my fingers gently on her neck... her heart beat is null. My mind is feverishly working now: a mix of pain, fear and panic. They all combine and work as a fuel for my body... allowing me to go further even though my body is on the limit.

I swiftly take her jacket, with much care as I can not to make her head move much, and start to unbottom her shirt. That is.. before I hesitate for a moment.

I know right now I'm removing the clothing of this beautifull girl... but my emotions have to stay behind if I am to try to save her.

I close my eyes for a moment to focus on what I must do, then I unbutton her shirt buttons one by one. After spreading her shirt, I slowlly gaze on her skin. Just the sight of it makes my heart painfully skip a beat..

Shaking my head as to shake those thoughts away, I put my two fingers near her left breast, to measure where her heart should be. After that I press my hands toguether and aplly pressure on her chest.

Hi: "1!..2!!..3!!..4!!!!"

I continue the precedure till 15 presses.. before parting from her chest and nearing my lips near hers.

I stop myself for a bit... would she allow this if she was ok? I can't shake the feeling this is wrong... but I have to do it... for her sake. I close my eyes, breathe in and as I come close to her I whisper softly...

Hi: "... I'm sorry..."

My lips finally meet hers... a softness I had never experienced before.

Shaking my feelings aside, I blow twice inside her mouth, before returning to the heart massage.

Hi: "1!..2!!! ..3!!!! COME ON LILLY!!!!"

8... My mind is going blank... Fear is consuming more and more my soul...

Hi: "DON'T DIE ON ME!!!!!!"

14....15... I quickly head to her lips.. and blow twice...

Li: "...!!!!"

Lilly opens her eyes violently, as I part my lips with her, her whole body spasms..

Li: "*COUGH!!* *COUGH!!!*"

I help her turn around as she coughs up the reamining water on her loungs...

Hi: "There... there.. it's ok... cough it all out.."

Lilly is still trembling and spasming... both due to the cold and the state she is now.

Li: "*cough..!* Hi...Hisao...kun..?"

Hearing my name, I just can't help but holding her in my arms as the relief takes over my body. Tears start streaming down my face as result of having lost all emotional control.

Hi: "I-it's ok... you're ok now..."

I hug her with both arms. Her body feels so frail and weak that it might break at any minute.

Li: "I.. I was... thinking.. when... when you called my name and..."

She suddently freezes. Her whole body stiffens as she recalls what just happened.

Li: "Oh... Oh my...."

She just warps her arms around me and buries her face on my chest. Just that makes my whole body hurt, but more than that, my heart feels like it'll colapse at any minute. Not because of the strain I put hit through... but for seeing her like this.

Li: "I.. I thought I was...Oh god!!!"

She just cuddles into me tightly. Her tearly eyes finally can't collect all the humidity in them and a warm droplets finally start to fall down my on chest.

Tears... her tears. Or are they our tears? I just can't tell the diference anymore...my body feels like it'll colpase at any minute... yet just knowing she is safe gives me all the confort I need.

Li: "*sobs* I was.. so scared... I felt... I would die... with none to rescue me by..."

Hi: "Shhh... It's ok... you're safe now...."

I hug her more... as a result she grips on me more. I feel her nails craving on my skin, but no pain arises from it. My senses are so dull all this feels sureal.

My hand just trails along her body, before stopping on her face, as my finger collects the tear that was streaming down... before gently caressing her beautifull blonde hair.

Hi: "Your Knight has come to save you... so cry no more....."

Upon hearing that, Lilly just lifts her head... even though she can't see me, I feel her eyes as thought they were locked on mine.

Li: "Hisao..."

Her beautifull sky blue eyes sparkle with her tears... my weak and tired heart beats heavilly.

Suddently, her hands release me as she trails them to my face, closing her eyes gently.

Her gentle touch makes the pain on my heart increase as it beats faster, but that dosen't matter to me anymore.

She moves her hands gently as if to form a image on her mind as she feels my face.

Afterwards, she just pulls her hands gently from me... and opens her eyes. Finally, she smiles: her ususal if not more, bright warm smile.

Li: "Thank you... my knight..."

I feel my cheeks fluster a bit as she says this... my heart keeps screaming: HEY! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS!!!

I cough as I move quickly from her.

Hi: "Er.. I.. umm... er..."

Slowlly I catch the jacket near me that I had tossed earlier, and put it around her shoulders.

Hi: "You'll.. you'll catch a cold like that..."

Lilly dosen't say anything, she just smiles as she looks down and whispers a small "thank you" in return.

Suddently I hear screaming from the path behind us. Straining my body, I look behind the tree that serves as our support.

Hanako is running as fast as she can towards us.

Hanako: "Lilly what....!!"

She suddently seems to notice me, as she lifts her hand to the right side of her face.

Ha: "Oh... Hisao-kun... I'm sorry I... I didn't see you..."

Hi: "It's ok.. I was backed up against the tree... there is no need to apologise.."

Even talking is hard for me... I cough a few times, before realising I have been doing that ever since I came out of the water.

Unable to endure the silence anymore, I push streght into my body once again, as I give an honest awnser to break the ice..

Hi: "The most Important thing now, it's Lilly's well being..."

Hanako widens her eyes, as if she had just woken up from a daze.

Ha: "Lilly!.. What... What happened?"

I smile to myself. Even the quiet Hanako has a hard time controling her speech when someone she cares was in danger.

Li: "...I waited like you asked me to, dear hanako... but I felt the need to listen to the lake so I stayed on the bridge... but then I fell...."

Ha: "But I told you not to stay there!!! It's dangerous!!"

Both me and lilly turn our attention to Hanako, our eyes wide with surprise. I never would have expected an outburst like that from her.

Ha: "Oh.. I'm... I'm sorry... I.. I just..."

Li: "It's ok dear...I know you just wished for my safety..."

Lilly just lowers her head, as if she felt really ashamed of what happened.

Li: "I just.. felt lonely... even for just a bit... withough my loyal Niji... I just felt terribly... terribly lonely..."

Recalling my question to Lilly about Niji, I slowlly breathe life into my voice once again.

Hi: "Lilly... what happened to Niji? Why isn't he here with you?"

It's hanako that replys to my question.

Ha: "Niji..was... a bit down... ill of sorts... so... Lilly was worried.. he got a bit worse, so.. she asked me.. to take him to the Vet's office, here ate he school... I asked Lilly to.. stay here till I came back..."

Her voice trails off, as if not to make Lilly feel bab of what just transpired.

Li: "It's ok... Hisao-kun was here... he saw and rescued me when I fell into the waters..."

She gently seeks my hand alongside hers. Smiling I just press my hand long hers, recieving a warm smile in return.

Ha: "Lilly... you'll... um... you.. better dry yourself..."

Lilly just smiles warmly at Hanako's remark.

Li: "My you're right... it's very chilly here... Hisao... please, you should dry yourself aswell"

She gives a tired yet happy giggle as Hanako helps her up.

Li: "After all.. I don't want my precious Knight in shining armor to catch a cold now, do I?"

She giggles yet again.. I feel my cheeks fluster as Hanako looks at Lilly with a puzzled look.

I slowlly try to get up, but stop on my tracks when a pang of pain hits me again, this time is harder tha anything I experienced before. So violent that I start to get cold sweat all over my body...

It was starting... yet again.. like last time...

Ha: "Hisao..kun?

Oh no... if they see me like this they'll start to worry. Even though the pain in my body is atrocious.. I can't bring myself to tell them that.

Hi: "I'm... I'm fine... please... just help Lilly... I'll see you two later ok?"

Hanako still looks at me with a worried expression... an expression that also marks Lilly's face.

Hi: "It's ok... this knight can still endure a lot more.."

I say this casually to reassure Lilly... while leaving Hanako with a frown yet a slightly relieved face.

Li: "*giggles* Very well... shall we, Hanako?"

Hanako nods gently... then turns to me once again.

Ha: "Thank.. you... for taking care of Lilly..."

I nod and force myself to smile... the strog pain in my chest won't leave me.. but I gotta stay strong and keep the charade up.

Hi: "See you two soon ok... and please take care."

Hanako smiles as Lilly nods... then they start to walk along the path to school.

Hi: "Urr... Urgghhh...!!!"

This isn't good... the pain feels to be spreading all over my body, my heart feels like it is slowing down...

*tump.. tump..*

Not... this again...

*tump.... tump....*

Am... Am I going.. to die...?

*tum..p.... tum...p...*

My vison starts to get hazy... I guess I pushed my body to the very limit....

Hi: "At.. At least... she's... safe..."

Those words are whispered out of my mouth as I try to smile, but the pain is too great.. I feel I'm losing my sense of focus...

?????????: "...."

Who... who is there..?

I can see... something... someone..?

?????????: "Hold on in there...."

*tu...m...p.... tu...m...p....*

I'm... losing... consciousness.....

*tu.....m.....p .......*

.......
------------------------------------------------
END OF PART ONE. PART 2 coming soon.
NOTE: Sorry about the way the text is made and organized... I saved my work on "notepad" so it ended up like this with "copy-paste" method.. I'll try to organize it soon :)
Last edited by Otaku Dash on Wed Sep 12, 2007 1:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Pain is your friend... while you still feel it, you know you are alive"

"How can a nightbringer be the companion of an Angel? ... easy... by smiling"

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Aura
>has heterochromia
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Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 8:21 am

Post by Aura » Wed Sep 12, 2007 11:24 am

Well, since this is an oekaki i don't think superserious critique is needed (at least you didnt ask for it), so i'll just do random commentary.

You certainly have studied the characters well, all three are acting more or less plausibly. The rhythm of dialogue and description works very well too.

Hisao constantly speaking to himself makes him look like a deranged hermit. He is a highschool student, not Gollum. The lines themselves are ok as internal monologue though.

Random quirks in the world (a lake and veterinarian's office at the school) can be bypassed, although if you strive for "realism" (what an odd word to use), try to stay in the confines of our little world.

The huge amount of typos in your text are a dead giveaway of unfinished writing. Go over your text, polish the sentences and phrases. Whatever you want to say, you can always say it better. This also gets rid of most typos. Even Crud, who in IRC is chronically unable to write even one sentence without at least two typos has consistently less than five typos in a 1,5k-2k word scene, because he reads what he writes. This is sort of unnecessary in an oekaki scene for fun but hey, it improves your skills.

Finally, if you want to follow the style guide, drop the colons in front of dialogue lines.

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Otaku Dash
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Post by Otaku Dash » Wed Sep 12, 2007 11:44 am

Thanks for the reply ^^ As I said this is still very very VERY work in progress... adn to be honest.. the moment I wrote this I had just finished typing it.. took me about 15-20 minutes to think this, so yeah.. I failed to re-read the text afterwards.. my bad ^^;

Also.. I guess I over did it with the description more, that's why Hisao sounds like a hermit... then again after 2 hours on a science class (even though I don't have the subject anymore, but used to love it).. I kinda know the effect that has on a guys brain xD But you are right... internal Dialogue is much suited and will be fixed.

The lake I apologise.. though I felt I had seen an Image near a lake in the "alpha", I might have made a mistake in putting size/or the appearence of it (been testing various VN's lately). Yet Again my bad ^^;

As for the veterinarians side.. well I considered it logically: Lilly isn't the only blind student on the school... so being wouldn't it make sense for a small vet center for the guide dogs in it? I may have kinda pushed it on the imagination quarter.. so I apologise for that :)

Finally, even though I'm a bit "sensitive" on critique, it can only help someone go further into what they do, so if you feel the need to go into superserious critique, I don't mind.. as it will trully help me ^^

In the end I woud like to say thank you.. for your time in reading this and for your critique.. I'll admit I was kinda afraid to post this for fear that I would upset anyone ^^;

EDIT: Ok had a little free time, so I used it to re-read the text and alter some parts. Hopefully Hisao dosen't look like a hermit this time around *laughs* and it helped me check a few things in order. Once again, thanks for the tips Aura ^^
"Pain is your friend... while you still feel it, you know you are alive"

"How can a nightbringer be the companion of an Angel? ... easy... by smiling"

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cpl_crud
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Post by cpl_crud » Wed Sep 12, 2007 4:48 pm

Just a couple of quick notes to smooth out discrepancies:

All the background images in the alpha are "fake". Basically, we wanted something that would give us a hint as to what was going on without destroying the mood. However, you shold ignore them. (There is, however, a small creek/water feature thing that is large enough for a human or two, but probably not enough to drown in.)

Whilst the school does have a lot of blind students etc, I think a "school vet" is a bit out of the question, however, seeings that it has been a blind academy for some decades, I would think that a vet would most certainly be nearby.

Or, you could just shift the whole setting to outside the school... there is a big, wide world outside the school fence.


PS: My lack of spelling on IRC is more to do with speed and lack of attention than anything else, but thanks for caring :p

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Aura
>has heterochromia
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Post by Aura » Thu Sep 13, 2007 12:44 am


PS: My lack of spelling on IRC is more to do with speed and lack of attention than anything else, but thanks for caring :p
That's exactly what i meant. You don't care as much what you are writing when we are conversing in irc vs. when you are writing something seriously.

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Otaku Dash
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Post by Otaku Dash » Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:39 am

cpl_crud wrote:Just a couple of quick notes to smooth out discrepancies:

All the background images in the alpha are "fake". Basically, we wanted something that would give us a hint as to what was going on without destroying the mood. However, you shold ignore them. (There is, however, a small creek/water feature thing that is large enough for a human or two, but probably not enough to drown in.)

Whilst the school does have a lot of blind students etc, I think a "school vet" is a bit out of the question, however, seeings that it has been a blind academy for some decades, I would think that a vet would most certainly be nearby.

Or, you could just shift the whole setting to outside the school... there is a big, wide world outside the school fence.


PS: My lack of spelling on IRC is more to do with speed and lack of attention than anything else, but thanks for caring :p
Thank you for dispelling any doubts I had on this. I apologise for the discrepancies between "Fan" - "True".. although I studied the characters and some of the plot, the only background of the school I had was the alpha. Being so, I apologise for the mess up :)

Yes I understand the vet situation.. and it works much better than what I have wrote (besides being more realistic and true to the flow of Katawa Shoujo). Right now I'm thinking on the second part.. this time I'll take more time to sort it out and ponder it so it sounds... well.. not so "out of bounds" in relation to the rest.

Also I know what you mean in terms of speed writing... it actually happens to me most of the time ^^; I normally spell and write correctly English.. but since I've been on a long hiatus due to personal problems... my english is a bit rusty :S

If by all means what I wrote causes disturbances I'll gladly take it away. Last thing I want is for problems to arise :)
"Pain is your friend... while you still feel it, you know you are alive"

"How can a nightbringer be the companion of an Angel? ... easy... by smiling"

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