...Barbarian - Hisao: Excels in cluse combat and soaks up damage.
Ranger - Lilly: Picks off enemies from afar with her bow.
Thief - Rin: Specializes in pickpocketing.
Bard - Shizune: Keeps the spirit up with her songs.
Assassin - Misha: Silent and deadly, usually acts alone.
Mission: The dark lord Kenji has kidnapped the beautiful princess Hanako. He threatens to pour molter iron on her if she refuses to marry him. Can they save her in time?
I'll ignore the fact that these characters listed above are NOTHING like how they actually are in the game...
Short-ish, no sex.
To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape:
"Hnnnngh!" Hisao swung his enormous hammer through the air and slammed it into the orc, squishing it in mere instants. A pair of arrows shot over his shoulders a moment later, and went through the eyes of another beast that had been sneaking up on him. It hadn't been sneaking very well, but it wasn't smart enough to know that.
"Thank you, thank you so much." the King said, twisting his hands anxiously. "I'm so glad you were here to protect us."
Hisao belched. Loudly.
"Yes, yes of course." the King agreed, without the faintest idea what he was agreeing to. "If I may? I believe there has been an incident which could use a man of your skills." Hisao managed to look interested. "You see, the Dark Lord Kenji has kidnapped our beautiful princess. My daughter, Hanako. I would be ever so grateful if you could get her back." After which I'll dispose of you, you bloody barbarian... how you got those four ladies to follow you, I'll never know. But I want them for myself, and what I want, I get. "There's quite a sizable reward in it... She's in this castle, and-"
Hisao slammed his hammer through the gates of the castle next to him.
"No, no!" the King said. "Your princess is in Another Castle!"
For a moment, Hisao thought the King looked like a mushroom. He definitely hadn't had enough to drink if he was seeing things. He belched again and started marching off. Four girls fell into step behind him.
At Another Castle
"Mwehehehehe!" the Dark Lord Kenji chuckled. It wasn't a very frightening chuckle. In front of him, a gorgeous, dark-haired girl had been strapped spread-eagled to a table. A large cauldron sat to the side, filled with boiling iron. "So, my dear, I have you at last. Now, I know all about your past, how you survived that fire... and how they fixed you up. If you don't answer my questions, then I'm going to pour this iron all over you."
The girl trembled.
"So, first! Tell me the combination to the Royal Treasury!"
The girl just stared at him, mouth shut.
"Igor!" Kenji said sharply. A small, hunchbacked man strode forward, holding a small amount of the molten iron in a sturdy cup. "You see this, my dear? It'll mess up your pretty white skin forever. I love women, you know, and I'd really rather not have to do this. Tell me the code!"
"It's... it's... one..."
"One." Igor said, writing it down.
"Three." Hanako squeezed her eyes shut.
"Three." Igor agreed.
"And the last one, my precious?" Kenji asked, leaning in. The princess sighed.
"So..." Kenji began. "The code is... One, two, three, four, five. What!? That's the kind of code an idiot puts on his luggage!"
"It is, sir!" Igor agreed, nodding rapidly.
"Well, whatever!" Kenji said, pacing around the table. "Now, my sweetling, there's only one other thing. You must marry me."
"Never!" the girl answered.
"Oh, and why not?"
"Because I'm already engaged!"
"Hmph." Hanako turned her head to the side.
"Tell me!" Kenji roared. "And Igor! Change the combination on my luggage!"
"Yes, sir!" Igor said, nodding.
"Do you want me to mess up your pretty white skin again?" Kenji growled.
"Well, fine. It won't do you any good. I'm engaged to the Dread Pirate Roberts." the girl said. "And I shall have no other."
"Fine." Kenji growled. "You'll see what it's like when you mess with the manliest of all men! I drink nothing but whiskey, straight from the bottle!" the Princess was unimpressed. A moment later, Another Castle shook as one of the walls imploded. A burly man strode into the room, a giant hammer on his shoulders. Behind him, a girl with long, pale hair fired an arrow through the air and stuck Igor to a wall. A girl with short, reddish hair darted forward and began to pick the locks holding Princess Hanako down. "Wait, what is this!? Who are all of you!"
"That's ridiculous! You're just a barbarian, and you think you can defeat me, the Manliest Man of all!?" a girl with drill-like pink hair dropped down behind him and wrapped some duct tape around his mouth before pinching his neck and dropping him unconscious. A light voice came in behind them, singing something, and the birds in the chamber scattered. Hisao helped the Princess to her feet, then lifted her off the ground and began striding towards the hole in the wall so he could take her back to her kingdom and show her his other hammer. As he moved through the hole in the castle, he glanced towards the unconscious Dark Lord and spoke with a very unusual accent.
"...I'll be back."