To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (PART 3 UP!)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Rednal
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To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (PART 3 UP!)

Post by Rednal » Wed May 27, 2009 5:10 pm

Inspired by a post in the D&D Stats thread. Specifically, this one:
Barbarian - Hisao: Excels in cluse combat and soaks up damage.
Ranger - Lilly: Picks off enemies from afar with her bow.
Thief - Rin: Specializes in pickpocketing.
Bard - Shizune: Keeps the spirit up with her songs.
Assassin - Misha: Silent and deadly, usually acts alone.

Mission: The dark lord Kenji has kidnapped the beautiful princess Hanako. He threatens to pour molter iron on her if she refuses to marry him. Can they save her in time?
...

I'll ignore the fact that these characters listed above are NOTHING like how they actually are in the game...

Short-ish, no sex.




To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape:

"Hnnnngh!" Hisao swung his enormous hammer through the air and slammed it into the orc, squishing it in mere instants. A pair of arrows shot over his shoulders a moment later, and went through the eyes of another beast that had been sneaking up on him. It hadn't been sneaking very well, but it wasn't smart enough to know that.

"Thank you, thank you so much." the King said, twisting his hands anxiously. "I'm so glad you were here to protect us."

Hisao belched. Loudly.

"Yes, yes of course." the King agreed, without the faintest idea what he was agreeing to. "If I may? I believe there has been an incident which could use a man of your skills." Hisao managed to look interested. "You see, the Dark Lord Kenji has kidnapped our beautiful princess. My daughter, Hanako. I would be ever so grateful if you could get her back." After which I'll dispose of you, you bloody barbarian... how you got those four ladies to follow you, I'll never know. But I want them for myself, and what I want, I get. "There's quite a sizable reward in it... She's in this castle, and-"

Hisao slammed his hammer through the gates of the castle next to him.

"No, no!" the King said. "Your princess is in Another Castle!"

For a moment, Hisao thought the King looked like a mushroom. He definitely hadn't had enough to drink if he was seeing things. He belched again and started marching off. Four girls fell into step behind him.



At Another Castle

"Mwehehehehe!" the Dark Lord Kenji chuckled. It wasn't a very frightening chuckle. In front of him, a gorgeous, dark-haired girl had been strapped spread-eagled to a table. A large cauldron sat to the side, filled with boiling iron. "So, my dear, I have you at last. Now, I know all about your past, how you survived that fire... and how they fixed you up. If you don't answer my questions, then I'm going to pour this iron all over you."

The girl trembled.

"So, first! Tell me the combination to the Royal Treasury!"

The girl just stared at him, mouth shut.

"Igor!" Kenji said sharply. A small, hunchbacked man strode forward, holding a small amount of the molten iron in a sturdy cup. "You see this, my dear? It'll mess up your pretty white skin forever. I love women, you know, and I'd really rather not have to do this. Tell me the code!"

"It's... it's... one..."

"One!"

"One." Igor said, writing it down.

"Two..."

"Two!"

"Two, sir!"

"Three." Hanako squeezed her eyes shut.

"Three!"

"Three." Igor agreed.

"...Four."

"Four!"

"Four."

"And the last one, my precious?" Kenji asked, leaning in. The princess sighed.

"...Five."

"Five!"

"Five."

"So..." Kenji began. "The code is... One, two, three, four, five. What!? That's the kind of code an idiot puts on his luggage!"

"It is, sir!" Igor agreed, nodding rapidly.

"Well, whatever!" Kenji said, pacing around the table. "Now, my sweetling, there's only one other thing. You must marry me."

"Never!" the girl answered.

"Oh, and why not?"

"Because I'm already engaged!"

"To whom!?"

"Hmph." Hanako turned her head to the side.

"Tell me!" Kenji roared. "And Igor! Change the combination on my luggage!"

"Yes, sir!" Igor said, nodding.

"Do you want me to mess up your pretty white skin again?" Kenji growled.

"Well, fine. It won't do you any good. I'm engaged to the Dread Pirate Roberts." the girl said. "And I shall have no other."

"Fine." Kenji growled. "You'll see what it's like when you mess with the manliest of all men! I drink nothing but whiskey, straight from the bottle!" the Princess was unimpressed. A moment later, Another Castle shook as one of the walls imploded. A burly man strode into the room, a giant hammer on his shoulders. Behind him, a girl with long, pale hair fired an arrow through the air and stuck Igor to a wall. A girl with short, reddish hair darted forward and began to pick the locks holding Princess Hanako down. "Wait, what is this!? Who are all of you!"

Hisao grunted.

"That's ridiculous! You're just a barbarian, and you think you can defeat me, the Manliest Man of all!?" a girl with drill-like pink hair dropped down behind him and wrapped some duct tape around his mouth before pinching his neck and dropping him unconscious. A light voice came in behind them, singing something, and the birds in the chamber scattered. Hisao helped the Princess to her feet, then lifted her off the ground and began striding towards the hole in the wall so he could take her back to her kingdom and show her his other hammer. As he moved through the hole in the castle, he glanced towards the unconscious Dark Lord and spoke with a very unusual accent.

"...I'll be back."
Last edited by Rednal on Sat Jun 06, 2009 4:57 pm, edited 5 times in total.

fanatic
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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape

Post by fanatic » Wed May 27, 2009 5:47 pm

i got to

Hnnnngh

and i couldent stop laughing

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LeeEzekiel
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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Humor/Parody)

Post by LeeEzekiel » Thu May 28, 2009 7:40 pm

I lol'd hard.

Sequel?

Rednal
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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Humor/Parody)

Post by Rednal » Thu May 28, 2009 8:14 pm

I might, if I get around to it. ^^

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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Humor/Parody)

Post by Rednal » Fri May 29, 2009 9:22 am

No onscreen sex.



To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape: Part Two of One

"Hey Lucy! I'm hooome!"

A girl with pale, wavy hair gave the barbarian an elegant smack.

"My name is Lilly." she said primly. "Anyway, how was your visit with the princess?"

Hisao grunted.

"I see. That must have been quite an experience."

Grunt.

"There's no need to be graphic about it." the girl said, coloring slightly. "Regardless, the King sent over the reward. It's a new hammer." she indicated a huge warhammer on the table. Hisao walked over and picked up, then swung it around, breaking half the furniture in the room. The archer just sighed. Hisao wasn't housebroken yet, and still regarded furniture as targets, not something to actually use. He seemed to intentionally try to make his own life as uncomfortable as possible.

"They probably would have broken the first time he sat on them. It wouldn't be the first time." a dry voice said. Lilly looked up to find that their thief companion had climbed up to the loft. It hadn't been hard to guess what the archer was thinking.

"That's true." Lilly noted. People didn't seem inclined to sell them quality furniture. Maybe they thought it was a waste, since the odds were ten to one or more that it would all be broken by morning. "Perhaps if we got furniture that was too sturdy to break?"

"I checked. They don't have any." a voice grumbled. Lilly and Rin both turned to their group's secretary, Emi. She never seemed to come out from behind that desk, the one piece of furniture that hadn't been broken yet. Even Hisao seemed nervous about trying.

One of the windows broke as someone through the news rock through it. Lilly picked it up. "Hmm."

"The news is dire." Rin deadpanned. "Like usual, but more dire this time. Much more dire."

"No, it just says that Princess Hanako went ahead and killed a vampire."

"How?" Emi asked curiously.

"Apparently, she stabbed a cow with a fence post, set it on fire, and pounded the fiend with it, while yelling 'Hanako smash'." Lilly said worriedly. "Do you think Hisao is having a bad influence on her?"

"Wood in Steak." Rin answered. "What do you think?"

They were silent in their agreement.

"Perhaps we should have him refrain from such actions in the future. Hisao, dear?" Lilly said, looking over her shoulder. She found the burly barbarian sitting with Misha on one side and Shizune on the other, both girls in only their underclothes, while drinking from a huge horn of something that had to be at least 160 proof. The barbarian belched, and the house trembled. "That's nice. You need to stop seeing the princess now. And the masons are getting tired of having to fix the walls. We have doors. You don't need to make holes every time you want to get into a building." the barbarian just stared at her. "I know it's what you do, but... oh, whatever." she stripped down to her own underclothes and sat on his lap. "I just can't win against you." she kissed his cheek, and smiled as he began to wrap duct tape around her wrists.


Far, Far Away

There will be no further Shrek references.


Back at This Castle

"Father... I feel like an onion." Hanako said, gazing wistfully at the candles in the middle of the table. "I have layers, you know? Part of me wants to be afraid of fire, but the other part wants to burn down everything in sight. I don't know what to do anymore. I missed it earlier, so I think I'm going to go into my hormonal teenage girl mode soon as I try and fail to cope with my growing body and changing desires."

"That's nice, dear." her father answered. "Be afraid. Be very afraid. You're so beautiful; I don't want anything to happen to you." Unless I'm the one doing it. She's only my step-daughter, after all... "Also, you need to stop seeing that barbarian."

"But why, father? He's an amazing man! He's handsome, and strong, and he has a whole harem of his own! You don't have a harem!"

"I'm perfectly satisfied with your mother! And when I'm not, I have two mistresses." And you, soon enough. "I have no need for something as barbaric as a harem of women who are smart, tough, extremely sexy, and completely loyal."

The hall was quiet.

"Okay, fine, I'm jealous." he grumbled. "But I don't want you joining his."

"Why not? I'll learn so much!"

"He's a barbarian! A nobody! All he has going for him is the fact that he's immensely strong! I wish somebody would be willing to get rid of him."

There was a burst of smoke.

"Useless Girl!"

"Emo Kid!"

"Energetic Failure!"

Dramatic pose.

"We're here to solve all of your problems! Believe it!"

"Guards?" the King asked. Three of the guards took out their weapons and shot the people that had infiltrated the hall through the head. "Huh. Just kids. How did they get up to the top of my 40-story tower, anyway?"

Daddy's probably overcompensating for something... he is rather short...

"We climbed up! Believe it!" the Energetic Failure said, leaping to his feet.

"What the-!? They just shot you in the head! How can you be alive!?"

"I'm the Main Character, so I have Script Immunity! I can't die until the end of a story, even if it looks like I did! Believe it!" Hanako sighed. "What is it? Believe it!"

"SHUT UP!" the girl roared. The Energetic Failure colored. "What!?" she growled. "This had better be good."

"Um... uh... roses are red, violets are blue, only cripple girl I want is you! Believe it!" he burst out.

Hanako sighed.

Then, with a radiant smile, she grabbed him and threw him out the window.

"Aaaaaaaassss yyyooooouuuuu wwwwiiiiiiiisssshhhh!"

There will also be no further Princess Bride references.

"Bbbbbbeeeeeellllllllliiiiiieeeeeevvvvveeeee iiiiiiiiiiitttt!"

Or Naruto ones.



Hisao's Man Cave

"That was wonderful." Lilly murmured, the U-shaped blanket somehow sufficient to cover all the girls to their necks while exposing the barbarian Hisao to the waist. A pile of discarded undergarments sat to the side of the bed. There was a knock at the door. Yawning, Lilly slipped out of the bed, wrapped a smaller blanket around herself, and walked over to the house's entrance.

"Pi... zza..." an eighteen year old boy said slowly, his eyes widening as he saw the beauty in front of him. "...Oh."

The blanket was just long enough to cover half of the girl's breasts down to what couldn't have been a centimeter below her crotch. A soft smile was upon her lips. "Thank you." the girl said, taking the box. "How much do I owe you?"

"Oh, um... i-it's fine." the boy said, eyes wide. "Those are some very nice... erm... armpits. I mean, like, wow nice."

"You're sweet." the girl answered, giggling. "Thanks for the food." she shut the door, then tossed the pizza into the trash. None of them ate such things; Hisao survived on a strictly meat and alcohol diet, and the rest of them had their own preferences. Besides, who could trust anonymous, free food from barely-of-age men? That was like what happened in those books she read...

Hisao yawned. Loudly. She let her blanket drop.

"I'm here, dear." she said, moving back over to him. The door slammed open again, and Lilly let out a yelp as two people, one with red hair and the other with purple, strode into the room, followed by some sort of cat. "...Hisao, would you please take care of them?"

The barbarian sighed and got to his feet, then walked over to the visitors.

"Prepare for trouble..." they began. "Wait, where's Pik-" The barbarian picked up his forty-thousandth warhammer and slammed it into all of them. "We're blasting off again!" they screamed as they were launched towards the stratosphere.

Grunt.

"Thank you." Lilly said, smiling. It was nice to have a man around to protect her. "Well, shall we get started on our next job?"

Grunt.

"Excellent."

A crystal on the wall lit up.

"Hello, Charlie." Lilly said. "We're ready for our assignments."

"Hello, Angels... here's what I'd like you to do..."


Will Hanako escape her lecherous step-father and join Hisao's harem? Will Hisao learn that breaking furniture is bad? Will Lilly get even hotter than she already is? Find out, in the next exciting episode of To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape!

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Vertical
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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Comments?)

Post by Vertical » Wed Jun 03, 2009 3:32 pm

Oh god you've got me past lol into the screaming territory. Your introductions of references was great. I seriously didn't get the team rocket reference until they started their motto.

Good laughs brah.
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Rednal
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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Comments?)

Post by Rednal » Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:05 pm

Finally, a comment! I was starting to get a little worried... ^^ It's hard to get motivated to work on the next part when nobody says they like the one before it... I can get back to work soon. Fufufufufu.

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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Comments?)

Post by JamiroquaiAlien » Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:54 pm

I pissed myself laughing at "duct tape".

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bitpeg
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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Comments?)

Post by bitpeg » Wed Jun 03, 2009 6:08 pm

Although I don't care for parody, the slapstick humor was pretty funny.
These fermions smell positively ionic.

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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Comments?)

Post by callmeemo » Thu Jun 04, 2009 3:31 am

There was a burst of smoke.

"Useless Girl!"

"Emo Kid!"

"Energetic Failure!"

Dramatic pose.

"We're here to solve all of your problems! Believe it!"
It didn't quite hit me until the believe it! part, great stuff. The Spaceballs part with the combination was probably my favorite, though. Could you fit anymore references in here?
"From far away, it looks like someone vomited a herd of butterflies on the wall."

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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Comments?)

Post by nANDE » Thu Jun 04, 2009 7:47 am

Cracked a smile on my face, I must admit. Great stuff.
We all are rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Comments?)

Post by Painiac » Thu Jun 04, 2009 8:49 am

It is awesome! Believe it!
No time for love, Falcon Punch!
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Rednal
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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Comments?)

Post by Rednal » Thu Jun 04, 2009 9:26 am

@callmeemo: The next chapter may possibly try to answer that... ^^

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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Comments?)

Post by V3gas » Sat Jun 06, 2009 3:28 pm

Haha, awesome. Especially the references. Looking forward to the next chapter.

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Re: To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (Comments?)

Post by SirMax » Sat Jun 06, 2009 3:52 pm

"wood in steak" made me laugh. That's a quality pun there.
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