If you are lost.

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Re: If you are lost.

Post by fanatic » Wed May 27, 2009 6:17 pm

post more!

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Re: If you are lost.

Post by kobe » Thu May 28, 2009 10:03 am

Still accepting all critique, I wanna improve, so If you like it, please tell me what you like about it, if you don't , tell me how I can improve. Thanks.

-part four- (short chapter, didn't have much time) I promise next chapter will have lotsa Hanako!

Hisao noticed that the room had become significantly darker. Time had passed surprisingly quick.
"Nurse? Can i go to my dorm room now?"
"Yes, but take care, and make sure to not stress yourself, okay? Remember what i said about food, excercise, you know the drill. Oh, and one last thing."
Hisao was getting irritated, why did the nurse talk so much, was he really that lonely? Did he really need to talk to students to have any social contact?
"If you love Hanako as much as I think you do, then don't worry about doing 'stuff' together, just go for it. That is, if you excercise enough, you don't wan't to die young, don't you? Love is a wonderful thing, and you should cherish it."
The wprd 'excercise' ruined the atmosphere, he didn't like being reminded of his disability.

A few minutes later, he left for his dorm room.
Hisao still heard the nurse's words in the back of his head.
"Excercise, food, Hanako, stuff"
Whoa, did he really think about Excercise and Hanako at the same time?
"Hmmm... maybe it's better like this, it might help me remember to excerscise."
the words slipped out of his mouth
"Hisao! I heard you had a heart attack so I came here to visit you but apparently you're already leaving for your dorm rooms and are okay and i heard you said something to yourself about excercise and I was wondering if..."
That voice...
"Hi Emi" He said
The girl's 'legs' and shirt still glowed a bit.
"I'm so glad you're all right! I was realy worried! But you're okay now!" Emi shouted, a bit too loud to be comfortable with.
"Yeah, looks like it." Hisao grumbled
"I'm sorry, that didn't quite came out the way i wanted it to. I'm going to sleep."
"Okay, I'll leave you alone then, bye!"
"Bye, Emi."

When he was about 4 feet away from his room, he noticed someone sitting next to his door.
It was Lilly

then he saw Hanako sitting next to her...

-end of part four-

oh boy, Hisao's gonna have to explain lots of things to Lilly! I wonder how she'd react... hehe, but for now, I'm going to sleep (I usually write these things in the evening, that's when i get inspiration.)
part five coming up this weekend!
Last edited by kobe on Fri May 29, 2009 3:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: If you are lost.

Post by fanatic » Thu May 28, 2009 6:40 pm

lilly is gona chew him out from what happend durring the first chapter

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Re: If you are lost.

Post by Silentcook » Fri May 29, 2009 1:40 pm

I think you're starting to lose momentum.
Rather than going further, reread everything you have put up so far, check, consolidate, cut, tweak everything that can be improved. Everything. There's lots of room for improvement.
I'm not any meaningful benchmark or oracle to go by, but I do that for about three days after every thing I post up.
Shattering your dreams since '94.


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Re: If you are lost.

Post by kobe » Sat May 30, 2009 5:10 pm

"Hisao?" Lilly asked
"Yes, it's me."
"I need to talk to you."
Hisao didn't like where this was going, but then again, he did cause Hanako a lot of trouble.
"I understand that you want to help Hanako."
Hisao had heard it all before, 'I understand that you', after that, he usually got yelled at.
"But asking her to go into town on her own isn't the brightest idea, especially not if there are fire breathers in town."
The calm tone in which she said those words only made it worse. He could almost predict what she was going to say now.
"I thought you had lost your mind!"
"I'm in big trouble..." Hisao thought
"Lilly, d-d-don't yell at Hisao."
"Hanako? Did you just tell me not to yell at Hisao?" Lilly asked, obviously surprised.
"I-I'm sorry."
It took a few seconds to register what had happened. Lilly, yelling?! And Hanako objecting?!
"Hanako, I don't know what to say, you just told me not to do something, you never did sometihng like that before, why?" Lilly said, almost sounding happy.
"I -like Hisao, and I l-like you, I don't w-w-want you two to h-have arguments." Hanako answered.
Hisao saw tears well up in Hanako's visible eye.
"Hmmm...maybe it wasn't that stupid of you at all, Hisao. I'll talk to you about this later."
And with that, Lilly left.

He was alone, alone with Hanako.
"Hanako, you actually objected against something, I...I don't know what to say."
"Hisao, d-does Lilly know about..."
She paused
"No, I don't think so, I haven't told anyone, well...except for..."
"You t-t-told someone? B-but what if everyone f-finds out? Who d-did you tell?"
"Don't worry" Hisao whispered, "I only told the nurse, because he wanted to know what caused my heart attack.Aand even though me telling you what i felt was only a small part, I didn't want to lie to the nurse. Besides, he told me that if he told anyone any personal info, he'd get fired."
"O-okay...I g-guess."
"Well, it's already very late, so I think I'm going to read another chapter of that weird book, and go to sleep."
As He entered his room, he felt Hanako holding on to him.
"Is something wrong?"
"I...you know...could I...I mean, c-can I sleep in your room tonight?"
Just when he thought this day couldn't get any weirder, it did, not that he was going to complain about it.

After getting into his bed, he noticed Hanako standing, confused.
"Don't worry, I'll sleep on the floor if you want to have the bed." Hisao said, spontaneously.
Instead of answering, she just sat down on the bed next to Hisao.
"I suppose we can sleep in this bed together, it's not that small. And besides, I'm not going to complain, sleeping next to a beautiful, intelligent, fun girl"
Hanako's face turned red
"I-I'm not b-beautiful, I'm ugly, I-It's the reason why I only have two f-friends..."
She started crying, again.
"Hush now, You are not ugly, otherwise I wouldn't be hanging out with you, would I?"
the tears poured out, tracing the scars, like they had done so many times already.
He could feel her breathing heavily, her heart was beating faster than usual.

Hisao's fingers unveiled her other eye.
It took some time before she realized he could look at her entire face.
She tried to push herself away, only to be stopped gently.
"W-why would you want to l-look at me? I-I..."
she realized it was of no use. Maybe Hisao really thought she was pretty.
"Hisao, do you really think I'm..."
"Yes, you are beautiful, and don't let anyone tell you anything else."
Their eyes met, after which their lips slowly did the same.

After that, there was only bliss.

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Re: If you are lost.

Post by Seroanth » Sun May 31, 2009 4:21 am

last time I read this I stopped at part one, seeing the other parts was a very pleasant surprise.

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