If you are lost.

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kobe
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If you are lost.

Post by kobe » Sun May 24, 2009 1:59 pm

In fifteen minutes of utter boredness, i decided to write or sumtin, if you can call this 'writing'
this is the first thing i've ever written, so don't expect anything of silentcook quality

NO SEX, kay, and it's only the intro to the story I wanna tell :p
feel free to tear my 'work' to shreds, criticism is wanted, be it typo,grammatical error, flow of the story, pace, character development whatever.

“And now, let’s party!”, the DJ shouted.
Screams…lots of them…screams of excitement.
She covered her ears, barely managing to restrain from shrieking as she was turning back to the street.
How did she end up here? She went straight for the teahouse, didn’t she?
“This is all my fault, I’m pathetic, I am useless and weak.” She thought to herself.
She should have listened to Hisao: “when you see the fire breathers, don’t take the long way around, it’s easy to get lost. Just go past them, the fire won’t touch you, or anyone, for that matter.”
And now she was standing in a street unknown to her.
“Why…why did this happen?” she whispered, hoping that someone would hear her over the music.
Of course that didn’t happen, or so she thought.

“Why are you here?”
Hanako covered her face and looked away from the source of the voice.
It wasn’t a habit, more like a reflex to social contact.
She started panicking.
Then she recognized the voice.
“E…Emi?” she said, turning to the young girl. Her ‘legs’ were glowing pink and purple, and so was part of her shirt.
She hadn’t really known Emi, or anyone who wasn’t called Lilly Satou or Hisao Nakai.
“Wha…what are you doing here? It’s scary…” the scarred girl asked.
“I’m here for the party, silly, don’t you remember me and Rin mentioning it to hisao?”
“No..not…not really, I am in the tea room for a big part of the time.”
“Really?! I didn’t notice, and neither did anyone else, except for Hisao maybe…”
Emi let it slip out before realizing what she just said, shutting her mouth.
“Oh god, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way! I mean, I didn’t… ” She got interrupted by a whisper.
“It’s..okay…I’m used to nobody noticing me, or missing me…”
“But how did you end up here?” Emi asked “Let me at least try to help you in any way I can.”
“I..I tried taking the long way around..t..to the teahouse. There were f…” she shut down…
“There were?”
Emi was now whispering too, like two girls telling each other secrets, only different.
“F…F..Fire…breathers…”

Hanako started to cry.
Emi put her arm around Hanako, trying not to look at the scars and the tears trailing around the circles.
Hanako cried, and cried, and cried…
The two sat there for what felt like an eternity, in reality, it was just five minutes.
Emi noticed Hanako had stopped crying, she was staring at the ground.
“Do you want me to get you to the teahouse? Or Yamaku?” Emi said, concerned about Hanako.
“If…if you wouldn’t..m…mind.” Hanako stuttered, even more than she usually did.
“Then off to the teahouse we go.”
Emi stood up, after which Hanako did the same, still feeling bad about herself for getting lost and crying. But feeling good for actually going out on her own.

She didn’t know what to think.

When the two arrived at the teahouse, they found Hisao cursing under his breath, why didn’t he go with her?!
Hisao stopped cursing when he noticed Hanako standing next to a glowing Emi.
Hanako prepared for Hisao yelling at her, like the boys at her first school did.
But he didn’t...
He merely looked at her with tears in his eyes, asking Emi to leave.
“Now I’ve done it…” she whispered, barely audible, like when she first met Hisao.
“Hanako…did..did you try to take the long way around?”
Hanako remained silent, as if not wanting to unleash the beast in Hisao.
“Please, Hanako, I…I ..was so afraid something had happened to you…Why didn’t you ask me to go with you?” Hisao said, trying to hide that small bit of anger and trying to accentuate the huge relief in his voice.
“I wanted to make…wanted to …m…make you proud of me.”
Hisao watched the tears well up in her eyes, this was all his fault, why did he let her go on her own, why was he so tactless?
“I wanted you to come here to tell you something, but you didn’t show up until now…can…can we go to Yamaku to tak about this?”

On the way to Yamaku, Hanako started stepping on darker parts of the ground only.
Last edited by kobe on Mon May 25, 2009 11:41 am, edited 2 times in total.

Roxius
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Re: If you are lost.

Post by Roxius » Sun May 24, 2009 2:06 pm

Poor Hanako-chan... :cry:

BUT IT'S ALL HISAO'S FAULT!!! :evil:
You just KNOW there's gonna be a Nurse X Akira X Hanako threesome witnessed by Yuuko at SOME point during the Emi path...in Lilly's room.

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Re: If you are lost.

Post by Silentcook » Sun May 24, 2009 2:18 pm

kobe wrote:don't expect anything of silentcook quality
:shock:

...awaiting the rest of the story. Concerning critique, for starters Emi and Rin are in a different class from Hisao and Hanako. You might also want to consolidate your text a little, making it into blocks rather than line-space-line-space for the whole length, since you're not writing script.
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Amadeous
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Re: If you are lost.

Post by Amadeous » Sun May 24, 2009 2:37 pm

That was...very very good. Honestly I don't think you have to go any further with it at this point, give the reader a little bit of open-endedness.

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Re: If you are lost.

Post by SnigendePind » Sun May 24, 2009 3:36 pm

Baw, I want moar! =D
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<@Raide> why does it sad to be touched? shouldn't you get a boner?

90% of the students were actually sent to Yamaku for being too lesbian. All those disabilities going around are just curious coincidence.
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disturbedthoughts
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Re: If you are lost.

Post by disturbedthoughts » Mon May 25, 2009 12:40 am

That was very much a good read. Could be continued or left open ended but a second part would give a more complete feeling.
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past.
Wisdom is know you will be an idiot in the future.
Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot NOW.

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kobe
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Re: If you are lost.

Post by kobe » Mon May 25, 2009 4:00 pm

Part Two

two hours later, they arrived at the school gates.

"Hanako?"
Hanako suddenly bolted, she had been paying too much attention to the 'game' she was playing.
"Y-Yes, Hisao?"
"Do you want to ,like, come over to my room?" Hisao whispered.
"I-I'd like to but...It's half past ten, and I-I'm not allowed to go to the boys dorm this late...I wish I'd l-listened to you, we would have been here at least 2 hours ago...'
"Don't worry, fear is natural, and, well...you know..."
Hisao knew Hanako was 'uncomfortable' about this subject. So he decided to just shut up about it, returning to the original topic of the conversation.
"So...do you want to come with me? I still have to tell you something."
Hanako felt Hisao was getting nervous.
"O-okay, I'll follow you."

They slowly entered the boys dorm, to their dismay, they saw a boy with a familiar scarf and glasses lying on the ground.
"Damn, it's Kenji" Hisao whispered
suddenly, Hisao noticed the smell of alcohol around Kenji.
"I think he's passed out, that boy really drinks too much."
Hanako said nothing.
They entered Hisao's room, careful not to wake the Harry Potter look-alike up.

Hisao felt his heart beat faster. "Dammit, not now." he thought
"I-I, wanted to tell you"
He instinctively reached for his chest, but couldn't, he was unable to move. Just like the lfirst time it happened.
"Hisao?!"
Pain
"T-that I love you."
a scream...
everything started fading to black again, the last things he heard were his head hitting the ground and Hanako screaming for help.


A bright light woke him up.
"HANAKO!" he shouted as he realised he was in the nurses office, again.
"Hi-HISAO!"
He was rather shocked by Hanako yelling, usually, she whispered, and was barely audible.
"Hisao..."
"Hanako, I'm sorry, I...I didn't know this kind of stuff could give me a heart attack."
Of course he knew it could, it was the reason he was here, dammit!
"you had a h-heart attack, d-didn't you?"
Hisao started whispering: "Maybe it was the trip back up the hill to Yamaku, combined with the tension of getting you into the boys dorms, not to mention Kenji, and..."
he heard the nurse coming in, and abruptly stopped.
Hanako quickly whispered something in his ear: "I-I love you too, Hisao."
He suddenly felt very tired, and happy, very happy...

-end of part two
Last edited by kobe on Fri May 29, 2009 3:25 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Roxius
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Re: If you are lost.

Post by Roxius » Mon May 25, 2009 4:03 pm

kobe wrote:They slowly entered the boys dorm, to their dismay, they saw a boy with a familiar scarf and glasses ying on the ground.
"Damn...it's Kenji" Hisao whispered
suddenly, Hisao noticed the smell of alcohol around Kenji.
"I think he's passed out, that boy really drinks too much."
"P...passed out? Isn't...dri..drinking against the rules?" Hanako said, somewhat relieved by the fact nobody was around or awake to hear her.
"Yeah" Hisao grumbled "The kid doesn't go to class, he drinks, and thinks a feminist conspiracy is happening, totally nuts, that boy."
Hanako said nothing.
The way he talks about Kenji, it makes Hisao kinda sound like an old man, or Kenji's father...rofl.
You just KNOW there's gonna be a Nurse X Akira X Hanako threesome witnessed by Yuuko at SOME point during the Emi path...in Lilly's room.

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kobe
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Re: If you are lost.

Post by kobe » Tue May 26, 2009 10:58 am

Roxius wrote:
kobe wrote:They slowly entered the boys dorm, to their dismay, they saw a boy with a familiar scarf and glasses ying on the ground.
"Damn...it's Kenji" Hisao whispered
suddenly, Hisao noticed the smell of alcohol around Kenji.
"I think he's passed out, that boy really drinks too much."
"P...passed out? Isn't...dri..drinking against the rules?" Hanako said, somewhat relieved by the fact nobody was around or awake to hear her.
"Yeah" Hisao grumbled "The kid doesn't go to class, he drinks, and thinks a feminist conspiracy is happening, totally nuts, that boy."
Hanako said nothing.
The way he talks about Kenji, it makes Hisao kinda sound like an old man, or Kenji's father...rofl.
Oh god...you are right...
*quickly edits post*

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Re: If you are lost.

Post by Silentcook » Tue May 26, 2009 12:30 pm

While Hanako's trademark way of speaking positively drips with ellipses, you might want to introduce a little variation by u-using her j-j-just as d-d-istinctive st-stutter in appropriate places. :wink:
Also, said ellipses are always made out of three periods, no more no less. You can use smaller or larger amounts as an effect, but it should then be a 'special occasion', not a recurring thing.
Finally, Hisao using them nearly as much as Hanako is a little worrying, unless that's something you're actively trying for...
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kobe
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Re: If you are lost.

Post by kobe » Tue May 26, 2009 12:55 pm

Silentcook wrote:While Hanako's trademark way of speaking positively drips with ellipses, you might want to introduce a little variation by u-using her j-j-just as d-d-istinctive st-stutter in appropriate places. :wink:
Also, said ellipses are always made out of three periods, no more no less. You can use smaller or larger amounts as an effect, but it should then be a 'special occasion', not a recurring thing.
Finally, Hisao using them nearly as much as Hanako is a little worrying, unless that's something you're actively trying for...
Thanks for the advice! :D I'll be sure to look out for those things when I write part 3!
(I also edited part 2, is it better than the first version?)

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disturbedthoughts
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Re: If you are lost.

Post by disturbedthoughts » Tue May 26, 2009 4:57 pm

Sweet! A part three. I am enjoying this quite a bit. I do have to say that they were kind of relaxed about the heart attack. :?
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past.
Wisdom is know you will be an idiot in the future.
Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot NOW.

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Re: If you are lost.

Post by cpl_crud » Wed May 27, 2009 2:34 am

Just to add to SC's comments about Hanako's speech:

She stutters usually on nouns, and when she knows what she wants to say.
She pauses (elipsis) when she's either unsure of what she wants to say, or is embarrassed about it. If she gains a little confidence she will usually repeat the word after the pause.

After a while it just comes naturally. A "While" may be a few thousand lines of Hanako's speech.
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kobe
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Re: If you are lost.

Post by kobe » Wed May 27, 2009 6:57 am

cpl_crud wrote:She stutters usually on nouns, and when she knows what she wants to say.
She pauses (elipsis) when she's either unsure of what she wants to say, or is embarrassed about it. If she gains a little confidence she will usually repeat the word after the pause.

After a while it just comes naturally. A "While" may be a few thousand lines of Hanako's speech.
*makes a mental note*
thanks! ^^

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kobe
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Re: If you are lost.

Post by kobe » Wed May 27, 2009 4:03 pm

Part three

“Hey, nurse!”, Hisao shouted.
“Yes, Hisao?"
“When wil I be able to get back to my room? I’ve been lying in this bed for 6 hours now!”
“Be patient, no matter how many times you have a heart attack, it only makes you weaker. So you’ll have some extra training to do!”
“Extra training? But I’ve been running with Emi for 2 weeks now! And I always run at least 3 laps.”
“Don’t lie to me, boy. Emi told me you tend to quit after 2 laps.”
“Shit” Hisao mumbled, he had forgotten that Emi was acting as a spy.
“So, are you going to train harder?”
He didn’t want to give up time with Hanako, but if he didn’t exercise, he could die from spending time with her.
The choice was made quickly
“Okay, I will, I promise.” He said.
“You do sound rather honest, okay, but let me tell you this, if you don’t exercise, simple stuff, something as simple as a kiss could cause a heart attack. You can go. Try eating less fat, it will make you much stronger. I heard the cafeteria has some great fruit salad!”
This was one of the moments where the nurse sounded like your average, boring parent or doctor.
After that, the nurse winked.
“Okay, okay, I get the message.” Hisao said.

“By the way, what caused your attack? You didn’t show any signs of physical labor.”
Hisao wasn’t going to tell anyone about what happened, not even the nurse!
“Hisao, what caused your attack?"
The nurse sounded like he was almost demanding an answer.
“I’m sorry, I really can’t tell you.” He answered
“Why not? Don’t you trust me?”
“No, no! Of course I trust you!”
“Besides, when I signed my contract here at Yamaku, I vowed to never tell anyone any personal details about any student, or anyone, for that matter!” The nurse assured Hisao
“Okay, I guess I’ll have to trust you on this one, then.”
“Good, mind if I take some notes?”
“Fine, whatever.” He grumbled
He certainly didn’t feel like telling this to anyone, but if he could trust someone, then it would be the nurse.

“It all started when I asked Hanako to come to the teahouse, you know, the one in town, down the hill. Alone”
“You mean Hanako Ikezawa?! The one who was here a few hours ago, the one who called me because she said she heard the sound of a head hitting something? Isn’t she extremely shy around others, often hiding herself in the library?!”
“yes, THAT Hanako, the cute girl, who is also the only other chess player I know of, besides Lilly, that is.”
He realized he had already said more than he wanted to.
The nurse didn’t seem to have noticed him calling Hanako cute.

“Isn’t Lilly around her all the time? Why did she come alone?”
“Well…I asked her to try, because I want to help her get over that extreme social anxiety a bit.”
“That doesn’t seem like the brightest idea…anyway, go on, Hisao.”
Hisao realized that it, indeed, hadn't been the brightest idea.
“Some time later, I don’t exactly know when, she came in, her face drenched in tears, with a glowing Emi next to her.” Hisao answered. “It turned out she didn’t follow my advice, so when she saw some people, fire breathers, she took the long way around, to avoid getting in the near vicinity of fire.”

“FIRE BREATHERS?!”
What was the nurse trying to do? make him feel guilty?
“She tried to take the long way around, but got lost. That’s when she accidentally came across a big party, where she shut down and started sobbing. That’s when she heard Emi’s voice, turned out she was at that party, so after Hanako started crying, Emi comforted her, and decided to get her to the teahouse.”
“ She was lucky that Emi was there, ."
“Yes, very lucky, after they came to the teahouse, I asked Hanako to go back to Yamaku, and the hill is quite big. After that...”

“Yes?” The nurse was getting interested more and more.
Hisao paused for a bit.
“Can you promise me you won’t tell anyone what I am about to say? Even though I didn't quite...follow the rules? And can you promise me to not get Hanako into trouble?”
“Hmmm… By the rules of the school, I have to tell the principal, but I’m rather curious, so yes, you have my word, I won’t tell.”
“ I ended up asking Hanako to come to my room, so I could tell her what I originally wanted to tell her at the teahouse. Then, when we were about to enter my room, we saw Kenji lying on the ground. I was afraid he’d catch me, and if he saw Hanako, he’d start rambling about that feminist conspiracy theory of his.”
“So why didn’t he catch you? If he was just sleeping, he would have woken up, right?”
“He had been drinking.”
“The drinking does explain why he didn’t wake up.”
The nurse looked rather shocked by the thought of a minor drinking, at Yamaku, no less!
“You CAN tell the principal about Kenji, though, He’s a bit of a madman.”
“Okay, I will, thank you.”

“Where was I? Oh yeah, so after we entered my room, I told her what I wanted to tell her.”
“So, what did you tell her, Hisao?”
Hisao turned bright red, even Hanako woud have at least let out a giggle if she saw him like this.
“Don’t worry, remember what I said? I won’t tell anyone!”
“I-I-I told her that…I l-love her.”
Hisao suddenly felt like getting out of the nurse’s office, but he knew his attempts would be be futile.”
“And that’s when you got your heart attack, right?”
“Y-yeah…”
This was ridiculous, he sounded like Hanako! If this was how she felt all the time...

End of part three-
Last edited by kobe on Fri May 29, 2009 3:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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