KS Shorts

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vermithrx
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by vermithrx » Mon Jun 22, 2009 8:10 pm

Alright, I'll bite. (Not too hard, but I have sharp teeth so I hope your skin is thick.) Here's some criticism for you.

Reading "The Walking Stick" felt like I was watching an episode of "Love Hina", so it was mildly amusing. In that sense, it was like a play being enacted by the KS characters without any rehearsal. You have a plot, and you force the characters to follow it doing what you want them to do, but not what they would do naturally on their own. Or, if they are doing what they would, there is no sense of a purpose behind it except to make Hisao into an invincible chick-magnet, much like how "Love Hina" is all about making Kentaro an invincible idiot-turned-accidental-pervert. It consists mostly of forced, static characters for the sake of forced drama and humor, or in this story's case action and romance, and the conflicts of personality, intent, or over miscommunications are never resolved.

For example: At the end Shizune steals the kiss you have all the girls trying for throughout the story, but Hanako and Emi are right there watching and don't react to it. Wouldn't they be angry, or depressed? What would they do? You only have the girls noticing what you need them to react to for the sake of the story, which is mostly Hisao, and make them ignore practically everything else. Characters are supposed to be people, not props; They won't always do what you want, unless what you want is for them to do what you think they want. (...and sometimes even then. Oh Lilly, you vex me so...)

That said, I really liked the way you wrote the beginning of the piece. It is very evocative and I almost thought you were writing from Lilly's perspective due to the sense of serenity it conveys and how you described everything through sound at first.

You did almost as good at the bridge, but didn't describe it. Is it a flat bridge? Arched? Suspension? Truss? Is it entirely made of wood or are parts of it rope? Metal? Stone? Is it a covered bridge? Is the wood visibly rotting or moldy? Cracked? Are there vines or other foliage encroaching upon it? Is where it touches the ground a cliff or is it a hill that slopes gently down to the water's edge? Is the river fast? Rocky? Wide? Thin? Is it shallow or deep? There's so much more information you can give your readers to let them picture the scene as you see it. Such description may not be directly important to the plot, but it can add depth and emotion to it or make the action seem to move slower for the reader and even pause where you want it to.

The word "board" was used a bit to frequently as well and it got repetitive. I would suggest you find ways to give it a break by using synonyms (planck, beam, timber, slat, shaft, girder, mast, spar) or refering to what the boards are a part of. (floor, deck, landing, catwalk, walkway, bridge, span, arch, overpass) Those are just what examples I could pull off the top of my head, so they may not work for you; It depends on what you envision. As a general rule of thumb I try never to use the same descriptive word or phrase more than once within a given paragraph, or adjoining paragraphs, (Or the entire piece if I can manage it.) because repetition is usually a bad thing unless you're trying to emphasize something with it. This has often forced me to expand my vocabulary.

...and there is no such thing (if you don't have a deadline) as too much re-reading and editing, so don't worry about that. I've edited "Golden Room" at least fifteen times since I posted it and have re-read it at least three times that much. There are still parts of it I'm not satisfied with. :oops: However, the more I do it (whether that be writing or editing), the faster I get at it and the more I catch each time. I just try to keep the mistakes I make in mind when I do the next piece so I can do better next time.

Anyway, you're definately improving, so keep at it! :D

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Snicket
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Snicket » Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:39 pm

Well most of your is correct and will be taken into consideration if/ when i do another FF. Though the two did react to Shizune's sudden confession. (Misha's blushing, Emi and Hanako both drop there heads.) I thought i covered that, but maybe i need to make it more apparent next time.

I take all input good and bad, so don't think i feel bad when someone give a bad review. I do these and my KS shops for fun, i don't expect everyone to like them.

For the record, iv'e never seen Love Hina. So i guess i have no idea what part of it "Love Hina-ish".
Last edited by Snicket on Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

vermithrx
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by vermithrx » Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:16 am

Snicket wrote:Though the two did react to Shizune's sudden confession. (Misha's blushing, Emi and Hanako both drop there heads.) I thought i covered that, but maybe i need to make it more apparent next time. [...] For the record, iv'e never seen Love Hina. So i guess i have no idea what part of it "Love Hina-ish".
Eh, you can ignore those two paragraphs now, I guess. Since you went through and gave Hisao more inner monologue about his worries the whole thing seems to work better. The main problem that I have with it, that I was trying to point out before, is that the differences in the girl's personalities don't seem to shine through, at least not towards the end of this latest FF. It's mostly little things.

For instance, once they're all safe from the collapsing bridge, wouldn't Hanako become nervous at being around so many people at once and possibly run away or would she be choked up over the fact that she and Hisao just had a near-death experience? Mostly you have her show embarrasment, but the determination she has taking command at the bridge (or running to catch Hisao's lunch in "The Chase") and when you give her a "cold tone" of voice when she finds out what Shizune and Misha have done to Lilly are awesome. You're giving her new traits and begining to develope her character more there, which is great, but you could be more consistant about it and take it a good deal farther. The same is true for all the girls.

Continuing from the previous example, the "cold tone" could have sufficiently foreshadowed Hanako losing control and berating or even outright attacking Shizune after she kisses Hisao. Shizune just bullied her best friend, almost got her and the guy she likes killed, and now kisses said guy right in front of her as if to mock her. I don't know how you're trying to portray Hanako, but it's hard to believe that any girl would just bow her head to something like that no matter how low her self-image is. (Well, I don't want to anyway. I don't like when a woman's defining characteristic is always to be weak and submissive around other people regardless of the situation she's in.) If you take her shyness too far it becomes nothing more than a gimmick.

Also, I have been reading these shorts as you've posted them and enjoyed several. "The Note Cards" is my favorite of yours so far, mostly because it was a really neat idea. Makes me wonder how Hisao would deal with having to read what Shizune writes on the note cards out loud so she can have an argument with Lilly and what he would think about it.

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Snicket
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Snicket » Mon Jul 13, 2009 7:47 pm

Well taking an long break from these i thought i'd post another FF. Though this one was finished for while, i didn't post it for some reason. This one was inspired by the YM threads that were on 4chan, but i did the whole painting this a bit differently then he did.

-enjoy

-The painting-

The dim light cuts though the empty hallway. My steps echo as I walk down them. Turning a corner I spot Rin. She’s staring intently at a painting hanging on the wall. Hearing my foot steps she turns her head in my direction.

“Hisao?”

“Rin”

“What are you doing here?”

“I was going to ask you the same question.”
Her response is followed by a sly smile.

“No seriously, what are you doing here?”
I raise an eyebrow as I ask the question

Rin lets out a sigh and turns back to the painting
“It’s this painting, theirs something about it that bothers me.”

‘The painting, that’s why she’s here,’ I must of passes this at least a couple dozen times and never thought much of it. Then again, this is Rin after all. There probably something that she sees that I don’t.

I step next to Rin and look at the ‘odd’ painting.
“So what’s so special about this painting?”

Biting her lower lip she looks at me
“The face, it kind of creeps me out.”

Tilting my head I try to make séance of the painting. Despite what angle I tilt my head, theirs nothing I can see wrong with the painting. It’s a grey a face with red hair, an expression of something that I can’t seem to figure out. ‘Maybe that’s what bothering Rin.’

I turn towards Rin
“Hey Rin”

She turns her head

“Yes?”

“I think I’ve figured out why this painting bothers you.”

“Really?”

Her tone sounds as if she’s merely humoring me

“Yes, really.”

“Well do tell Hisao, why does this painting bother me?”
She sounds annoyed

“Ok…”
I stumble to respond

“Uh….I think it’s because you don’t understand it.”

Rin chuckles at my response

“What?”

“Oh Hisao, you have no idea.”

I cross my arms

“Ok then, what is it?”

Rin sways as she turns towards me

“Its not what the painting means, but what its doing?”

“Doing?”
I can feel my lips curl downward as I respond

“Yes doing, check this out.”
Rin turns back at the painting

“Ok”
I raise an eyebrow in response.

I turn back towards the painting intently staring at it; I try to find what it’s ‘doing.’

“Ok I give what’s wrong with this painting?”

Rin snap her head in my direction, she biting her lower lip again.

“Can’t you see it?”

“Uh see what?”

“Those eyes.”

“What about them?”
I lean in closer as I respond

“Don’t they seem like there following you?”

I step side to side, keeping my eyes on the painting.

“Well what do ya know your right…… That is kind of creepy.”

“See I told you.”

“Ok, the painting looks like its following you, so what?”

“I think theirs more to it then that.”

“Really like what?”
I find my self interested in this madness that is Rin.

Rin takes a step back and takes a deep breath
“I think its messing with peoples’ minds.”

She responds in an annoyed tone.

Still focusing on the painting, I catch something out of corner of my eye.

“Messing with people’s what?”

Rin raises her right foot and kicks it towards the wall next to the painting

“Whoa! Wait what are you doing?”

Her bottom of her foot makes contact with the wall. It echoes in the empty halls.

Her head drops

“Hm, nothing”

“Nothing, Just what are you doing?”

She tilts her head

“Trying to mess with the order of thing.”

‘Trying to mess with what?’ I can’t help but frown at her response. ‘Kicking a wall is just kicking a wall theirs no flow of…’

My inner thought it cut off as I notice the painting falling down on top of me. Instantly I hold out my arms and catch it. It’s rather heavy; I feel my arms start to give as I hold it up. Repositioning my hands, I grab the painting from the sides and hang it back on the wall. Making sure it’s secure; I snap a glare at Rin.

“That was close.”

Rin just nods in agreement

“What were you thinking?”

I place my hand on my forehead

“Never mind, it probably wouldn’t make séance anyway.”

I turn to leave; a pain of guilt hits me in the stomach. “Maybe I shouldn’t have snapped at her.’ Before I can give it a second thought, light foot steps approach from behind me. Turning around I see Rin, she has a sad look in her face.

“I’m sorry.”
Her head drop as she apologizes

‘Did I just die?’ ‘Is this some sort of dream?’ Or am I near death and my mind are giving me some sort illusion before I pass on?’ Before I can give myself an answer, something bumps into me. Actually more like something rammed into my stomach.

I let out an ‘oohff’ as whom or what makes contact. I look down at the source, Rin looks up at me.

“I-I’m sorry, ok.”

I can’t help but feel worse; this new side of Rin throws me off guard. It’s almost like Emi. Wait it’s exactly like Emi. ‘Cleaver Rin, very cleaver.’ You’re trying to turn me into the bad guy here. I decide to play along and place my hand on her back and pull her close.

“It’s alright Rin, no harm done.”
I smile as I say this

Rin looks up at me with a slight hint of blush in her cheeks.

She turns her head

“Maybe we should get back to the dorms, its getting late.”

“Yeah it is I’ll walk you back.”

Rin jolts in response

“You’ll what?”

“Walk you back; a true gentleman would never let a woman out at night alone.”

Ok I’m laying it on a bit thick there, I need to back off or else Rin is going to become aware of what I’m doing.

“Ok If you want.”
Rin responses in her usual dead pan tone

**

Exiting the school, we head towards the dorms. The night air feels good against my skin. Rin shivers a bit as the cold air hits her. I place my arm on her shoulder and pull her close to me.

“Stop that Hisao.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop acting like this, I’ve already figured out what you’re doing.”

‘Has she really figured out what I was doing? Or is she just feeling a little uneasy over my new ‘friendly’ attitude?’ I decide to play it safe.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh C’mon Hisao, we’ve never acted like this towards one another. You’re just teasing me, since I did it first.”

I let out a sigh before responding

“Was it really that obvious?”

“Yeah, but you had me going for a while. I almost thought that you were serious.”

Rin forces out a slight chuckle before resting her head on my shoulder

“I didn’t mean for it to go that far.”

“No it’s my fault Hisao; I should have led you on like that.”

I open my mouth say something, but can’t seem to think of anything that would help the situation.

**

Nearing the girls’ dorm, we walk up the small path leading to the doorway. I open the door for Rin. She walks through it and stops holding it open with her foot.

“I think this is we should part Hisao. We don’t want people getting the wrong idea now.”

I nod in agreement

“I suppose you’re right.”

Turning to leave I catch one last look at Rin before she shuts the door. Giving me a slight smile she disappears down the hallway.

Heading back to boys dorm, I pass by one of night guards. We exchange nods as I enter the building. Digging my keys out of my pocket, I unlock the door and enter the dark room. Shutting the door behind me I lock it and plop down on my bed. Sleep soon takes over.

**

The sound of my alarm wakes me from my slumber. Rolling over I slam my fist on the top of it shutting it off. Looking at the time I let out a deep sigh

“Is it morning already?”

I close my eyes and fall back asleep.

For what seems like only a few minutes are actually a few hours. I awake to a beam of sun light hitting me in the eye. Looking over at the clock it reads a quarter to 11.

“Shit! I feel back a sleep!”

Jumping to my feet I down my usual ‘cocktail of pills’ and grab a fresh uniform from my closet. I could have probably gotten away with just changing clothes, but some reason I feel like taking a shower.

Taking what probably is the fastest shower I’ve taken in my life; I get dresses and head off towards the main school building. I’m tempted to run, but I feel that I should push myself after just taking my medication.

**
Entering the main hallway I notice a discolored blank spot on the wall. ‘Was that were that painting was?’ ‘Na couldn’t be.’ Shaking the thought from my mind, I make a mad dash to class entering through the rear door. Everyone’s heads turns at my arrival, including Muto, who is sitting at his desk writing something. Taking the back way to my seat I notice Muto wearing a very ‘Un-Muto’ shirt. It’s brightly colored and has several designs on it. It kind of reminds me of a Santana album.

Plopping down in my seat, I turn to Misha and tap her on the shoulder. She jumps and turns her head.

“H-Hicchan”
She almost sounds surprised to see me

“Sorry were you in the middle of something?”

Misha blushes
“N-no nothing really important.”

‘What’s gotten in to her, she seems completely different.’

“You alright?”

Misha tilts her head down a bit before responding

“Y-yeah, I’m ok. Why do you ask?”

“Well you seem to be acting strange today.”

“I-I’m acting strange?”

“Well yeah.”

This seems to be going no wear, either she’s really into what ever trick she’s trying to play on me or I’m still a sleep. I turn to Shizune, who just waves and blushes as she turns away.

‘Ok this is getting weird.’

I stand up and walk past Muto’s desk. He looks up at me and smiles and waves to me as I pass. Stopping I look back at him.

“What?”

“Oh nothing I was just trying to get your attention.”

“For what?”

“I was just going to tell you that you didn’t miss anything. We were just discussing the recent vandalism of some of the paintings at the school.”

“Oh ok...”
I begin to walk off but suddenly I snap my head back at Muto

“Vandalism?”

He shakes his head

“I’m afraid so, apparently a few students knocked a painting off the wall and it broke when it hit the ground.”

“It broke”

“Well the frame did anyway along with the boards on the canvas. I suppose the picture is ok, but it’s going to have to be placed on a new frame and such before it can be hung back up.

“Any idea who did it?”

“No that’s the weird thing, no one saw anything. Maybe it just fell off the wall on its own.”

“It’s possible I guess.”

Muto looks up at me

“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about this would ya?"

I shake my head

“No I don’t, I’m just as surprised as you are.”

“I see, well then carry one.”

Stacking a pile of papers together Muto goes back to what he was doing.

Looking around I notice every ones either reading, working on assignments for other classes, or just talking amounts them selves. ‘Something is seriously wrong here, I just can’t figure out what.’

Walking back to my seat, I open a book and begin flipping thought the pages.

**

The bell chimes and the class makes a break for the doors. It’s kind of funny, seeing a bunch of students all trying to leave at once. Soon only a handful of students remain, most are either finishing up there assignments or waiting for the crowds to clear. Looking around I notice Hanako sitting quietly reading a book at her desk.

As I start walking over, she pears up from her book and watches as I approach. She pulls the book back to her face as I sit at the empty desk next to her.

“Hello Hisao”
Her response oddly cheerful, I can’t help snap my head in her direction.

Looking up from her book, Hanako turns her head just as I turn mine.

“What?”

“Uh...Nothing...”

“A whole lot of nothing, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

‘A ghost, did I really give her that expression? Further more something is seriously wrong here.’

I force out a response
“Hanako, you feeling alright?”

She blinks a few times before giving me a response.
“Yeah, why?”

“Well…”
‘What am I suppose to say? ‘Why are you acting so strange?’

Before I can finish my response, Lilly pops her head in the door.

She holds up a stack of three bento boxes tied together with a red string
“Who’s hungry?”
Her question comes off as more of a shouted demand.

“I’ve got two spare lunches and need someone to share them with.”

A few of the remaining students respond with “oh me-me” or “Oh I’m hungry!”

Lilly frowns

“Not you!”

Lilly moves her head back and forth a few times, as if trying to find something.

“Hey! You guys in here?”

I jump at her question

“Y-yeah, were still here?”

Lilly snaps her head in my direction and smiles

“Oh good, I thought I missed you.”

“N-no I’m….We’re still here.”
Why am I so nervous?

Lilly shakes the bundle of lunches in her hand

“We’ll C’mon lets go!”

Hanako silently closes her book and walks past me and towards the door. Stopping in the door way, she pokes her head back in the class room and give me the ‘hurry up’ signal.

**

The usual stroll to the tea room is anything but that. Normally the walk to and from the tea room, would be of dead silence, with neither of the girls saying much of anything to one another. This time however, they can’t seem to shut up. Both trying to dominate the conversation, either by talking louder then the other or by trying to on up what the others clamed. I silently follow, trying not to stir up anything.

**

Arriving at the tea room, I step ahead of the girls and open the door for them. Lilly gives me a nod and smile, while Hanako gives me a playful wave as she enters. Shutting the door behind me I take a seat at the usual table.

Lilly unties the string holding the bento boxes together and lays them on the table.

“Alright guys take your pick.”

Hanako reaches for one, but stops and looks up at Lilly

“Why is there something wrong with one of them?”

Lilly smiles and chuckles

“No why would you think that?”

Lilly chuckles again

Shifting a few times in my seat, I grab the bento Hanako had avoided and slid in front of me. Removing the lid I stab my fork into the contents. Hanako gives me an odd look as I shove the first fork full of food into my mouth.

“Hisao?”

I remove fork from my mouth and look at Hanako

“What?”

She frowns

“You just ate the mystery lunch.”

“Yeah so”
I shove another forkful into my mouth

Lilly Frowns

“So…..Hisao grabbed one….How boring”

**
The remainder of lunch carries on as usual, except the two girls seems to be more talkative. Asking a series of ‘odd’ questions, demanding I answer them as soon as they ask them. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear I was eating lunch with Misha and Shizune.

The warning bell chimes, saving me from an obvious tap question regarding who I’d like to be stranded on an island with. Finishing off the few morsels of food still in the bento box, I close the lid and slid it towards Lilly.

“Thanks for treating me today, Lilly.”

She blushes slightly and turns towards me

“Oh no problem, I just thought…..”

She trails off

Suddenly Hanako smacker her hands on the table and leans forward. This causes Lilly and me to jump.

“You just thought that you wanted to do something nice….Right?”

“Yeah”

**
Quickly picking up the remnants of our lunch, Hanako and I head toward the door. Stopping I turn towards Lilly.

“You coming”

“Oh there is one more thing I have to take care of before heading back, I’ll catch up.”

“Oh ok”

Following Hanako out into the hallway we make our way towards the class room. Keeping up with my pace, Hanako seems to be cheerfully skipping rather then her usual suddle stride. Reaching into her pocket and pulls out a small tin of mints then pops on into her mouth. Turning towards me she holds the tin out and offers me one.

I grab one from the tin and smile
“Thanks”

Hanako smiles back and returns the mints to her pocket.

“You’re Welcome”

We continue down the hallway. I turn to her and open my mouth to speak, but can’t seem to find the words. Unable to say anything I turn back and look to and focus on were I’m walking. After a few minutes I try again, but I’m still unable to say anything. This time how ever, Hanako notices and turn her head in my direction.
“What?”

“Nothing…I just”
I trail off in midsentence

“You’ve been acting kind of strange today, Hisao. Is something wrong?”

‘I’m acting strange?’ I think it’s the other way around.

“No, it’s just that….”

I sigh

“It’s just something seems to be going on and...”

Hanako interrupts

“What do you mean?”

“Well it’s like everyone is ‘different’.

“Different?”

“Yeah...”

Hanako suddenly stops, I take a few steps past her before stopping and turning around.

“What is it?”

“W-well now that you mention it, I do feel a little different then I usually do.”

Hanako’s face turns red

“Really like what?”
I take a few steps towards Hanako as I respond

“I-Its just t-that...”
She clears her throat

“Its just that I feel a little more relaxed then usual.”
She directly at me
“Especially, when I’m around you?”
She nervously slides the mint across her teeth

I continue to walk towards Hanako and stop a few feet from her
“Do I make you nervous or something?”

“No it’s not that?”

“Is it that you don’t being around me or something…?”
‘Damn it why did I just say that?’ Of course that’s not the reason.

“No it’s the opposite actually”
She takes a few steps towards me, stopping rate in front of me.

“Until recently it’s been hard for me talk to you directly, but now its seems so natural…”
She takes my hand and places in on her chest
“What do you feel?”

‘Your boob.’ Is the first thing that comes to mind, but then I feel her heart beat beneath my hand. My face starts to turn red.

“Your heart beat?”
I managed to choke a response.

“Exactly, dose it ‘feel’ like I’m scared to be around you?”
She emphasizes the ‘feel’ part

I just sake my head
All the while, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I feel as if I may keel over at any minute.

Hanako smiles and removes her hand from mine, leaving my hand still on her chest. It sits there for a few seconds before I pull it way.

“S-sorry”

Hanako shakes her head
“Mmmm, hmmm. Don’t be”

We stare into each other eyes for a few moments. Completely unaware nor much care for what’s going around us. I manage to catch a glimpse of her other eye hidden beneath her fringe.

Suddenly something hit me in the side, knocking me off balance and on to the floor. All the while I never lose sight of Hanako, who places he hand on her mouth as I fall to the floor. My head hit the tile floor and everything goes black.

A few moments later I feel something on my lower waist

“Hello, are you still alive?
Its Rin’s voice

Something starts to slide across my stomach

“Hello wake up Hisao.”

Rin continues on

I open my eyes just as Rin turn her head towards the sound of metal on tile. Emi appears a few seconds later. She instantly blushes as notices the weird position Rin is in.

As my vision returns and my heart stops pounding, I notice Rin in straddling my lower waist. Her legs spread out on side resting putting the majority on her weight on part that’s been sitting on me. It suddenly becomes clear what was rubbing against my stomach a few moments ago. I blush a bit before raising my head.

I clear my throat
“Uh excuse me...”

Rin snaps her head back around
“Oh you’re awake, good”
She gives me a sly gin

“I-is he alright?”
Emi asks still in the same spot she was in when she arrived

“I think so...”
Rin responds as she starts to slide off me, but suddenly stops.

“Wait, I think he may not be.”

“Oh no”
Emi screeches as she takes off down the hallway, probably going to get help.

Rin odiously unaware of Emi’s absence continues to talk
“It seems Hisao tackle has been stricken with rigormortis and…”

Hanako pushes Rin off me, she fly a few feet and lands on her back.

“Ow, that hurt!”
Offering me a hand, Hanako reaches out

“You alright, Hisao?”

I take her hand and she helps me up.

“Yeah I’m…ok”
I almost trail off as my thumb slides across the scared part of her hand.

Standing back up I pull my hand away

“Sorry”

“For what?”

Hanako blinks a few times in response

“F-for, you know...”
I turn my head a bit to hide my embarrassment

Hanako smiles and turn my head back towards hers
“Curious?”

“What?”

“Curious about how far they go?”

She grabs my tie and pulls me a few inches from her face. I can smell ruminates of the mint still on her breath.

“Want to find out?”
Her question comes off as a bit sly, as if theirs a hidden meaning behind her question.
‘Did she just say what I think she said?’
My heart seems to know what that is, since it starts to beat furiously in my chest.
‘This isn’t Hanako. At least the one that I know’ A part of me wants to stop this, in fear of some how hurting her if/ when she returns to normal.

“I-I-I”

Before I can give a response, something starts nudging my in the side. Hanako frowns and turns towards the annoyance. I tilt my head to see Rin desperately trying to get my attention.

“Hisao, we’ve got a problem”
Rin says once she knows that I’m paying attention.

“What’s so import that you need...?”
Rin cuts Hanako off

“This isn’t any of your concern.”
Rin nudges me a few more times causing Hanako to release her grip on my tie. I step back a few steps as Rin continues to nudge me.

“Rin knock it off.”
I more of less shouts this to Rin

She stops and looks up at me with at sad face.
“Hisao, I need your help…”

I suddenly feel like a complete jerk for snapping at her. Letting out a deep sigh, I turn to Hanako whose still scowling at Rin.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s going on, but Rin needs to help her and…”
I trail off a bit

Hanako looks at me and lets out a sigh
“What ever it is seems to be important enough for tackle you in…”

Rin cuts her off
“That was an accident”

Hanako clears her throat and continues
“Regardless, when you guys are done…”

Hanako leans in as if she’s going to kiss me
“You know were to find me...”

Hanako turns and heads towards the class room. I stand still in a shock over what she said to me. A sudden nudge breaks me from my daze. Turning I see Rin with a look on her face.

“You two doing a little hanky panky in the tea room ay?”

I blush
“What? No we just eating lunch and….I don’t know what just happened.”

Rin looks up at me and smiles. Then take a few steps forwards and turns to me

“Its none of my business what you two were doing in the tea room…”

I cut her off

“We weren’t doing anything”

Rin’s smile turns into a frown

“But I really do need your help.”

Rin sways her body in the towards one of the hallways

“C’mon this way.”

I follow Rin as she starts walking down the hallway

“So what do you need my help with?”

“Have you noticed, that a lot people have been acting strange?”
Rin answers in her usual deadpan tone

”Yeah, but what does that have to do with my question?”

Rin stops and turns towards me

“Everything…”
“How?”
I scratch my head as I try to decipher the meaning of her response

Rin turns on her heel and starts walking

“Ever since last night, everyone’s’ personalities have changed.”

Rin stops again, I continue walking till I catch up with her.

“I don’t follow…”

“Remember that painting I was looking at last night?”

“The one you almost kicked?”
I scoff as I respond

“Yeah, that one.”

Rin starts walking again

“I have a feeling the painting or to put it more precisely. Its absence is what’s causing everyone to act so strange.”

‘She got to be kidding right? A painting that affects peoples minds? Give me a break.’ I chuckle to myself as I muse this

Rin stops again, still in mid thought I almost run into her

“It’s not funny.”
Rin looks hurt as she responds to my laugh

Rather then argue with illogical nature of what she just said, I decide just to humor Rin.

“Ok, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh, but you got to admit…”

Rin cuts me off and starts walking again

“I know it sounds strange, but what’s even more strange it that neither of us have been effected by it.”

“Effected?”

“Yeah, aside from us, everyone has been effected some how.”

“Perhaps it’s because we were the last ones to come in contact with the painting before you know…it broke.”
“That’s it...”
Rin abruptly stops. This time I run into her, almost knocking her over.

“Hey warn me before you do that…”

“Sorry Hisao, but I think I got it.”

Rin takes off running

“Got what….hey wait up!”
I stand dumb founded for a few second before running to catch up to Rin.

**

Following Rin in her mad dash down the hallway, we arrive at the art room. I hunch over to catch my breath, while Rin literally kicks the door open and walks inside. Checking to my heart rate I step inside a few moments later.

Lying across the table or to me more precise; across several of the tables. Is the painting that Rin and I saw last night? The frame lay in pieces across one of the tables. Picking a piece of it up I notice that it’s not broken, but rather more of less disassembled.

As I look over to Rin, I notice that she’s staring intently at the canvas. That the painting it on. A few boards on the back of it lay busted or cracked next to it. While the part that’s still intact sit propped up against one of the tables.

Rin turns to me

“Can you fix it?”

I stand dumb founded by the question
“Uh…….”

“Well can you fix it or can’t you?”

“I-I can try...”

Rin gives me a slight smile
“Well at least you can try...”

**

Addressing the painting it self, I more of less just start placing fresh pieces of wood and pounding nailing in spots that look like ‘weight bearing spots’. I guess you could say I was winging it, but that would mean I somewhat knew what I was doing. Which I didn’t.

**

Just as I Prop the newly repaired painting against the side of one table. Rin walks over and intently stares at it.

“Say Hisao...”

I turn towards Rin

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”
Rin says this still facing the painting

“Sure what is it?”
I grab a few pieces of the frame and lay them across the table

“What would you do if I were acting different…?”

I cut her off, still intently laying pieces of the frame on the table

“What do you mean different?”

“Well for instance if I were acting more promiscuous and asked you to meet go to my room with me…”

“I don’t…”
I cut myself off and look up towards Rin, whose staring intently at me with an odd expression.

“Are you messing with me again?”

Rin shakes her head
“No”

“Then were you going with this?”

Rin frowns
“It’s just a hypothetical question.”

“Oh”

“So would you act all weird and blush, like you did with Hanako if I were to ask you such a thing.”

I get it know, Rin is insecure about what happened with Hanako and I in the hall just after she showed up. I can feel myself blush a bit over her response.

“Jealous?”

Rin blushes a bit and turn back towards the painting

“N-no just curious…”

I let out a slight chuckle as I return to repairing the frame

**

Hours pass, or what at least feeling like hours. Though I can’t really say how long we spent in that room. Not much is said as I put the frame back together and Rin somehow brings me a few sodas as I work.

**

Removing the clamps from the frame I examine my work. ‘It’s not bad for a first attempt, but I wounded if it will hold?’ Turning my head I notice that it’s dark out. Setting the now completed frame on the table, Rin walks up behind me.

“Good job.”

I jump a bit at her sudden appearance

“Thanks”

Rin walks in front of me with a slightly smirk on her face

“Now all we got do is see if it will hold.”

I nod in agreement and walk towards the painting, still propped against the table.

Picking up the painting carious and frame I carry it towards the table the frame is sitting on. Flipping the frame over I place the painting in the little slot on the back of it. Applying the former screws, bolds, nuts and planks I secure the painting anxious onto the frame then lower it to the flow and prop it against the table.

I chuckle
“Now comes the fun part.”

Rin walks to the door and props it open

“I may not be able to help you carry it, but I can at least hold the door.”
I smile

“Thanks”

Lifting the painting from the floor, I make a break for the door. Having to tilt and turn the painting I manage to get it though the door and out into the hallway. Once in the hallway, I prop it against the wall and wait for Rin. She lazily walks out into the hallway and shuts the door behind her.

Rin gives me a slight smile as she walks past me and towards the empty spot on the wall. More of less walking the painting on the top of my toes, I manage to meet up with Rin at he end of the hallway. With one final lift, I manage to hook the wire on the back of the painting and secure it to the wall.

Satisfied with its position, I slide my hand together and knock off the little bits of dust and what not from my hand. Rin mockingly slaps her sleeves together.

“Hey”

Rin turns towards me

“What?”

“Nothing…”

**
After numerous check on if the painting is secure to the wall, we depart towards the dorms. I walk Rin (despite her protest) back to her dorm.

Standing at the front of the door, Rin turns towards me and smiles.

“Well it’s been fun, but I think this is we should part ways.”

I smile a bit

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

Rin turns back towards the door

“No”

I chuck a bit

“I didn’t think so.”

Rin opens the door and steps in. I turn to leave, but I’m stopped by Rin’s sudden shout
“Hey Hisao.”

I turn towards Rin

“Yeah”

“Hopefully this mess is cleared up by tomorrow or else…”

“Or else what?”

Rin blushes slightly

“Nothing…see you tomorrow.”

**

Heading back to the boys dorm, I lazily swing open the doors, just opening them enough to get though them. Coming to my room, I unlock the door and step inside. Hitting the bed instantly and falling asleep.

**

I’m awoken from my slumber the alarm blaring in my ear. Slamming my fist on the snooze button I lay back down. Looking up at the ceiling I replay the events of yesterday in my head. ‘Did that really happen, or was it some sort of dream?’ I rub by eyes as I hunch lazily over the end of my bed. Looking at the time I grown and cover my face with my hands.

“Well I better get changed…”

Rising my bed in a zombie like fashion, I head towards my closet and pull out set clothes and change into them. Taking my usual gourmet of pills I down a glass of water and head out the door.

**

Still feeling the effects of the morning I head towards the track. I catch eyes with Emi on the other side of the track, seeing me she starts charging at me at full speed.

“Hey wait a minute…”

Before I can say anything else, Emi rams my abdomen with her head. Has she been a little bigger or had hit me at a greater speed I probably would of fallen over.

Lang thin arms wrap around my torso and I can already feel my t-shirt from the girl’s tears.

“Hisao….were did you go?”

Emi pulls away slightly and looks up at me

“I-I was so worried about you…”

She buries her face into my shirt again

“A-after I went to get help. You were gone.”

Emi starts to cry again, still clenching to my torso. I wrap my arms wound her. Emi seems to flinch a bit as I do this.

“It’s alright Emi, I’m ok”

“D-don’t ever do anything l-like that again!”

Emi tries to sound angry though her tears.

I can feel my heart still pounding in my chest. Emi looks up at me with a concerned look.

“I-I can feel your heart beat...”

I pat her on the head

“Its alright, you just startled me”

We sit like that for a few minutes; eventually Emi releases her hold on me and heads towards the track. She gives me a wave and I follow her.

**

After running a few more laps then usual. (Must be trying to make up for yesterday) I head back towards the dorms, shower, and change into my uniform barely making in time for class.

**

I arrive a few minutes before the start of class. Taking my usual seat, Misha taps me on the shoulder just after I sit down.

“Good morning Hicchan.”

“Morning”

“It seems that you caught Shichan and me on a bad day.”

‘Bad day she says’ I try to play it off like I don’t know what she’s talking about.

“What do you mean?”

“Well it seems that…”

Misha is cut off when Shizune taps her on the shoulder and flashes a few hand sighs. I don’t need a translator to figure out that she’s saying ‘don’t tell him.’

After a signing back and forth for a few moments, Misha turn back to me with a sad a serious look.

“Hicchan, it was womanly problems…”

‘Womanly problems?’ What? Is she serious?’

“Like what?”

Misha leans in closer

“It was womanly problems....Wahahaha~!”

Having Misha laugh a few inches from my face causes me to jump back a bit.

Misha’s usual smile returns to her face

“Sorry Shicchan asked me to promise not to say anything to you….”

Misha shark like grin appears

“But you saw a side of Shicchan and I that no one else has saw before…you better have enjoyed it, because it wouldn’t happen again…Wahahahaha~!”

**

The bell rings and the class shuffles about and everyone take their seat. Muto arrives a few minutes later in his usual attire.

“Alright class lets begin.”

It seems everything has returned to normal and it seems that everyone has retained there memories of what happened yesterday. Though it seems that most have either chose to pass it off as a ‘bad day’ or totally dismissed it all together, but be fore the best that everyone thought it was a dream.
**

The lunch bell rings that everyone makes a break for the door. Looking over the desks, I notice Hanako never showed up. ‘She must still be embarrassed about yesterday.’

Standing up a stretch slightly and head out into the crowded hallway.

A sudden voice
“Well it appears everything has returned to normal.”

I snap my head around to the sudden voice and noticing Rin leaning against the wall next to the class room.

“It would appear so.”

“Most people seem to have just passed off yesterday’s events off as a dream or something…at least that what there doing in my class.”

‘What is she physic?’

“Yeah I was thinking the same thing”

“Hmm so it would seem.”

Swaying back and forth a few times, Rin starts heading down the less crowded hallway.

“Say Hisao...”

“Yeah”

“If you don’t have any plans for lunch of anything, would you like to eat on the roof?”

Before I can give a reply, Rin disappears around a corner

‘Such a weird girl’

The sound of soft foot steps break by gaze of the empty hallway.

“H-Hisao?”

I turn towards the voice and see Hanako

“Hello Hanako…”

She blushes

“H-hi”

“What’s up?”

“I-It s-seems that I-I was acting a l-little strange yesterday”

‘So was everyone else’

“It’s alright Hanako, it’s….”

She cuts me off

“N-no it’s not alright.”

Hanako’s face gets completely red

“I-I said something…strange things….”

Hanako looks like she about to run away

“It alright, everyone says odd things they don’t mean from time to time.”
I try my best not to sound offended by ‘cover up’ of yesterdays incident

“B-but the thing is I meant it…”

Hanako instantly covers her mouth

I think my heart just skipped a beat…

[end?]

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Drewski
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Drewski » Mon Jul 13, 2009 9:01 pm

An interesting read, Snicket.

And, uh, not to seem rude, but proofreading works wonders. I noticed some spelling errors and some sentences just sounded odd.

Guest

Re: KS Shorts

Post by Guest » Tue Jul 14, 2009 1:59 am

Loving this dude =]

cheesegrater3
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by cheesegrater3 » Sat Jul 18, 2009 9:44 pm

That was weird, and also interesting.

Obey the cheese!

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callmeemo
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by callmeemo » Sun Jul 19, 2009 5:27 am

Threw me off for a bit, I expected that (once Muso noted the painting) Hisao had been knocked out by that painting and was in some coma-induced dream world. Dang, I've been reading too many depressing stories lately...
Great work, though, aside from the occasional errors. I'm sure you could find a willing proofreader around here, if you wanted to bother with that.
"From far away, it looks like someone vomited a herd of butterflies on the wall."

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Snicket
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Snicket » Sun Jul 19, 2009 4:15 pm

-Thanks

yeah for some reason, i lack the ability to notice the suddle error when ever i write something. (probably since i understand it, so i don't see the mistakes) *shrugs* i dunno why..

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Vertical
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Vertical » Sun Jul 19, 2009 10:27 pm

Heeeeeeeey... that wasn't short. :x Though I did thoroughly enjoy reading it.

I won't repeat every else about grammar ad nauseum. You've heard it. Proof-reader-yadda-yadda-half-off-sale. Gotta say though, the ending scene didn't feel like an ending but a half-way point toward a larger plot. I say go with it Snick. We like your stuff, and your style is quick to read through (unlike mine ¬3¬ ), so by all means, continue. or finish. or something.

Go eat a cookie for your efforts.
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Imagine me and you...

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K_Amelia
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by K_Amelia » Tue Jul 21, 2009 2:38 am

Nice work, Snicket. That last piece was thoroughly confusing, and more than a little surprising. The end left me hungry for more, which is what good writing should do.
(")(^.^)(")Katie

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Seyren
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Seyren » Fri Jul 24, 2009 9:25 pm

Whoa man...
It was really awesome
but still some spelling error that makes me confused and made me must re-read it...
Keep creating story okay! All of your works is great...

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Snicket
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Snicket » Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:18 pm

Wow its been a while since i posted any thing here. :cry:

Anyway i'm going to try something different. I've got a few ideas for my next KS short, but I can't seem to decide which one to do first. So i'll just post the idea and a little bit about it and maybe i ca get some suggestions.

Ideas:

Body Swap(im still working on a better title)
Hisao swaps bodies with five main love interests. (plus Misha) Over the course of a week.With Hisao being the only one who sill remembers possessing the girls bodies. While the girls only have memory fragments of it.

Speed-ish(another title in progress)
Modern medicine may have finally found a way to cure Hisao's heart condition, but the long therm effects of the medicine are unknown. So there maybe some side effects of it.

Pick a color
Muto has everyone in class group up according to what color they choose from the box. Hisao now must get to know the other students of his class.

Check out
Hisao saves Yuuko from a falling bookshelf, when an incident laves the library in shambles.

These area just a few ideas that i have.

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G3n0c1de
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by G3n0c1de » Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:55 pm

Snicket wrote:Wow its been a while since i posted any thing here. :cry:

Anyway i'm going to try something different. I've got a few ideas for my next KS short, but I can't seem to decide which one to do first. So i'll just post the idea and a little bit about it and maybe i ca get some suggestions.

Ideas:

Body Swap(im still working on a better title)
Hisao swaps bodies with five main love interests. (plus Misha) Over the course of a week.With Hisao being the only one who sill remembers possessing the girls bodies. While the girls only have memory fragments of it.

Speed-ish(another title in progress)
Modern medicine may have finally found a way to cure Hisao's heart condition, but the long therm effects of the medicine are unknown. So there maybe some side effects of it.

Pick a color
Muto has everyone in class group up according to what color they choose from the box. Hisao now must get to know the other students of his class.

Check out
Hisao saves Yuuko from a falling bookshelf, when an incident laves the library in shambles.

These area just a few ideas that i have.
Body swap seems interesting. Though a horny teenage guy in a girl's body... there are certain things guys tend to do (well... dream of doing anyway). If Hisao gets past that, then the possibilities are endless. He will experience the world as the girl, and see what it is like to have their disability. I imagine that being Lilly for a person who relies on sight would be especially hard. Also, he'd have some entertaining interactions with the people who expect him to be that person. Like a confident and not emotionally scarred Hanako. Another issue would be if he wants to tell anyone about this. I'd imagine not, for fear of being labeled crazy. Or rather, his vessel would be labeled crazy. At the end, the girl would have to face the consequences of Hisao's actions. This story does have potential, if done correctly. It would be interesting if Hisao is still falling for the girls, and flirts with them while in a girl's body. I wonder what would happen...
It's a good thing Shizune is deaf, she is the only one who can stand (not) hearing "Wahaha~!" over and over.

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Deimos
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Deimos » Fri Aug 28, 2009 4:12 pm

Snicket wrote: Body Swap(im still working on a better title)
Hisao swaps bodies with five main love interests. (plus Misha) Over the course of a week.With Hisao being the only one who sill remembers possessing the girls bodies. While the girls only have memory fragments of it.
Sounds like the premises of a love-comedy. If you have some really good jokes in mind I'd favour this one.
Snicket wrote: Speed-ish(another title in progress)
Modern medicine may have finally found a way to cure Hisao's heart condition, but the long therm effects of the medicine are unknown. So there maybe some side effects of it.
How'd you do that in a short story? Showing Hisao struggling with the decision and then giving us a glimpe into his (hopefully faraway) future?
Snicket wrote:Pick a color
Muto has everyone in class group up according to what color they choose from the box. Hisao now must get to know the other students of his class.
A secret Santa scenario? Do you feel confident enough to do OCs? Or are you going to stick with Hanako, Misha and Shizune? Seeing as Shizune recently is on the rise in terms of popularity there would certainly some people looking forward to it. But OCs may give you more of a touch of originality.
Snicket wrote: Check out
Hisao saves Yuuko from a falling bookshelf, when an incident leaves the library in shambles.
Interesting to delve more into Yuuko, I guess she was a little bit left behind while we are so focused on the other girls. Again, this scenario calls for more exploration of Yamaku and its cast of diverse characters rather than our fixation on the girls.


[Deep breath]

Okay, since I am already here I may post my Rin ficlet I have written some time ago before I became dissatisfied with it.


Piece of mind

There are many wrongs in this world. It is sad but nonetheless true and necessary for evil to exist in order to truly experience what is “good”. Often the most “evil” things are born from a “good” cause.
I know of this and despite that I cannot accept the horrors this school seems to put me through. There are some things I can accept but not this!
I sigh and put the book on my lap to rub my eyes from the sleepiness of boredom.
The situation is that Shizune had complained against the reading material provided in the literature class and cited them as old-fashioned and too specific for Japan in this modern globalised world. End of story, we got the most boring Western story to read that the teacher could think of.

Romeo and Juliet

Already put into celluloid and onto paper in thousands of variations and here we are now - still enforced to read it. If only reading out in the open would have helped but no, surprisingly, it does not!

Peering through my fingers a shadow falls across my feet and tentatively I stop rubbing my eyes.
‘Ah, it is Rin.’
I look up at her and squint my eyes to see her expression. She is somewhat showing a mixture between a frown and a smile, it is almost as unique as the girl wearing it.

<<What can I do for you?>> I ask.
>>What are you reading there?<< she responds.
‘Always to the point, isn’t she?’
I take the book in my right hand and show her the title.
She does not say one single word.
‘Guess I have to initiate conversation here, eh?’
<<It is “Romeo and Juliet”.>>
Still no answer from her.
<<You do know the story of Romeo and Juliet, right?>>
‘I mean, who freaking doesn’t?’
She shrugs her shoulders >>Only seen the movie.<<
I lower the book and rest it in my lap again <<What version?>>
She rapidly shuts and opens her eyes multiple times as if to concentrate all her will into summoning her memories. >>The normal one I’d guess with this one actor.<<
<<No, I mean what kind of adaption was it?>> I sigh – Rin can be pretty hard to deal with.
Looking somehow annoyed she answers >>The normal, historical one where they fall in love and he dies when the ship hits the iceberg.<<

I am a little bit flabbergasted.
‘I do not really get what she is talking about but that has always been Rin’s modus operandi with me. Guess I just play along with it.’
<<Did you like this “Romeo and Juliet”?>>
She flops down in the grass in front of me and shakes her head make her already unruly hair even more of a mess of auburn>>It was so bad I could not use ice cubes in any kind of drink for a long time because I feared I would slit my tongue and die of blood loss.<<
And with the finality of a death row prisoner she adds >>It was the hottest summer I can remember.<<

I search her face for any sign if she is just playing with me but I cannot detect anything within her poker face. We look at each other and I am not able to discern whether her expression is one of amusement or boredom.
>>Emi said the movie was, in her opinion, really sad, too.<< She finally says.
I do not answer, she does not continue to speak but she openly stares into my eyes although her face betrays no emotions. I am the first to avert his eyes and I try to come up with something because I do not really get why she suddenly mentions Emi’s state of emotions after some random movie.
<<I … I do not feel much about such things – I mean it’s just fiction, right?>>
She raises one of her eyebrows but does not utter anything. She is making me feel slightly uncomfortable.
Then she looks to the book in my lap and slowly lies down completely eyes locked to the sky above.
>>I understand.<<

Seeing that the conversation is over for now I try to read the dreaded play again. For some minutes nothing happens.
I sometimes feel compelled to look at her form lying in the grass.
‘Just what is she doing there?’
As if on cue she moves her face to look in my direction.
‘But is it really me she looks at or are her eyes picturing something different far away?’
I decide that I do not know. But maybe I want to ...
>>Hisao!<<
Startled I rush to answer <<Ah, … yeah?>>
Her eyes are focused on me now.
The words are lazily drawled as if she purposely does not put much effort in them.
>>Will you finish your picture in the Art club tomorrow?<<
That is one thing I do not want to talk about. I have never been good at painting or anything of that sort and if I recall correctly my picture is just a mess of different colours at this point.
<<I will try.>> I answer truthfully.
With no more to say I gather my book and stand up to leave.
>>You should use different brushing techniques.<< she tells me in an uninterested voice.
She always confuses me with her comments.
<<Well, I could experiment.>> I anwswer vaguely.
Out of the corner of my eyes I see her lips turn upwards into a small smile.
>>You are a little feeble and to quick with your hands to finish. Try to be more patient!>>
That may be a good point I really do tend to rush some things if I want to get them done
<<Thanks for the advice!>>

For a moment she halts as if expecting some other answer or pondering my words for hidden meanings but after a few seconds she continues.
>>If you do not mind I can help you with that – if you don’t have anything against a foot on your hand while you are holding your brush.<<
There is no other way to answer that <<Thanks for the offer I would really appreciate it.>>
For a moment we both smile. I do it out of gratitude for her giving me advice and company and she smiles … well, for whatever reasons she has.
No matter what, it is good to see her smile.

We exchange goodbyes and I return to my dorm.
With every step I take my thoughts wander from Romeo and Juliette to my picture, random movies and Rin.
‘She certainly gave me a piece of her mind today.’ I chuckle.
From boring plays to films and art – we certainly had a wide array of topics today.
And with the clicking sound of my closing door one tiny thought slips through my brain. The first words already forgotten when the last syllable is reached.


“Ma...,
m...e she
.an .ive
... .eace
of min.
as wel.?”



After locking my door I am left with nothing to do but an unexplainable feeling of looking forward to the coming day.
Ahh, Morticia? I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.

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