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Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2011 3:25 pm
Really good snicket, really good. Lookin forward to see how it ends as it could go either way from here, felt really sorry for Hanako there though, the whole "My favourite colour is blue paragragh" really made me go awwwwww
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 3:26 am
Sorry for the delay folks, been kinda busy.
Anyway, here is part two. I'd like to thank Mirage_GSM for proofreading this for me and for helping me tie this into the previous one. Also in case i forgot to mention last time, I'd like to thank KB and Mirage_GSM for helping me with the first one.
-Two steps forward and one step back
Tears start to stream down Hanako’s face. I take a step back in response. “Whoa, was it something I said?”
Hanako shakes her head and wipes her tears on her coat sleeve. “No, yes, I mean…” Her words are cut off as she places her lips upon mine; they are soft and warm. A wet tongue tries to work its way past my lips and slides against mine.
I pull the girl close and she does the same. We embrace one another for what feels like an eternity. It’s not till we separate, that I notice that Hanako is crying again. I wipe away her tears with the side of my hand and smile.
She smiles back and rest her head on my chest.
The screech of my alarm shakes me from my slumber. I slam my fist on top of the device and let out a low groan as it goes silent. ‘Why do I keep having that dream?’ Rubbing my eyes, I glance out the window then back at my alarm. ’But what happened yesterday, wasn’t a dream. W, was it?’
I let out a sigh and fling off the covers to the edge of the bed and burry my face in my hands. ’I’m such an ass’. Letting out another groan, I slide my hands from my face and look back at the clock. ’Well, I better get going.’
Plopping onto the floor, I lazily make my way towards the closet, only to stop half way. when I kick my discarded dress dirt from the day before. As I bend down to pick it up, I get a whiff of Lilly’s perfume. An image of Lilly and I, in a passionate embrace flashes through my head.
I let out a sigh and toss the shirt into the hamper. ’That wasn’t a dream either. Was it?’ I glace at the clock for a third time and continue to make my way towards the closet. ’I’ll have to make sense of this later. The last thing I need is someone mad at me for ditching practice.’
I grab a set of running clothes, down my usual cocktail of pills, and make my way towards the track.
The morning chill still hangs in the air and makes its presence known as I exit the dorms. I start to a shiver a bit as I reach the track. Emi is there and in full swing; zipping around the track at her usual inhuman speed.
I walk to my usual spot and start my stretching routine. Just as I finish loosening my stubborn muscles, I hear the sound of Emi’s prosthetic legs.
Looking up, I notice the small girl approaching me. “Good morning, Hisao,” Emi says in her usual cheerful tone.
“Morning, Emi,” I grunt out as I stand up.
The girl gives me a bright smile. “Don’t worry you’ll feel better, once you wake up after doing some exercise.”
’Oh Emi, I wish I had your optimism.’ I follow Emi out to the track and break out in a slow jog.
Despite Emi’s cheerful enthusiasm and encouragement, I’m unable to keep up my stride. After a mere lap, I slow to a fast walk and then to just a slow one. My joints ache, and my limbs feel like they're made of lead. With each step, it feels like my body is getting is getting heavier and heavier. Eventually Emi catches up to me again and slows to my pace.
“C’mon Hisao, lets go.” Emi says with a cheerful expression, while waving her arms in front of her and starts to pass me. I stop dead in my tracks, Emi runs ahead for a few steps before stopping and walking back towards me. “What’s wrong, Hisao? You’re a lot more sluggish than usual.”
I let out a groan and hunch down. “Sorry Emi, I’m not feeling it today. I’m gonna call it quits for the day.”
However just as I turn to leave, Emi steps in front of me; with a concerned look on her face. “What is it Hisao? You don’t seem like yourself today.”
I let out a sigh and steps around her. “It’s nothing, I’m fine.”
Emi jumps in front of me again. “This isn’t ‘nothing’, Hisao. C’mon.”
Emi walks over to a nearby bench, sits down, and pats the empty space next to her. ’Damn Emi is persistent. She’ll probably keep bugging me till I say something. I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Stupid Hisao.’
I let out a sigh and sit down at the far end of the bench, so as not to be in range of the ‘look,’ but my efforts are in vain when the girl scoots next to me. “So, what’s on your mind?”
I hunch forward, let out a sigh and say nothing. “Did you break up with your girlfriend or something?” ’Damn, she’s good. Was I really that obvious?’
I grit my teeth upon hearing this and give the girl a sour look. Emi gasps and covers her mouth. “Oh I’m s-sorry Hisao, I-I was just kidding with you. I had no idea that you two…” Emi trails off and lowers her head.
I relax my jaw and pat the girl on the head. “It’s alright, you couldn’t have known.” I let out another sigh and remove my hand. “Good guess though.”
Emi looks up at me with a sad expression. “When did you two…” The girl starts to trail off again, as if she thinks that wasn’t the right question to ask.
I still answer it. “Yesterday.” Emi places her hand on my shoulder.
“What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Letting out a heavy sigh I turn away. “It’s a long story.”
Emi slides closer to me. “I don’t mind, I’m a good listener.” I smirk at the girl’s request. “Jeez you’re persistent.”
Emi leans closer. “What was that?”
I clear my throat. “N-nothing.”
Emi leans back and smiles. “I thought so.”
Taking a deep breath, I turn towards the girl and open my mouth to speak. “Well it all started…”
I give her an abridged version of what happened yesterday, leaving out a few tidbits; including the last part of my conversation with Lilly. And to her word, Emi says nothing as I retell the events of my ‘break up.’ Though she does show me an array of expressions, ranging from shocked to sad, and even at one point she gives me a sour one. At a few points, I was tempted to stop and ask why she was giving me such a look, but I decided to wait till I was finished.
“…So that’s why I’m not really in the mood to run right now.”
Emi blinks a few times as I finish my recap of yesterday and then suddenly takes my hand.” I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
I let out a sigh and look down. “There was no way you could have, I didn’t exactly broadcast what happened and…”
The girl removes her hand from mine and places it on my shoulder. “No, that you two [smaller] weren’t as close as I thought you were.”[/smaller]
I turn towards Emi. “What was that?”
The girl smirks. “Nothing.”
I turn back towards the track and cross my arms behind my head. “Rrrriigghht, but anyway thanks for understanding.” Uncrossing my arms, I stand up and turn back towards the girl. “I’ll see you later.”
However, before I can turn to leave, Emi jumps up from her seat and grabs my arm. “W-wait Hisao, I-I need to talk to you about something.”
I look down at the girl. “What is it?”
Emi looks away and releases my hand. “I-it would probably be better if you sat down.” I take a seat on the bench and look up at her.
“Alright, go ahead.” Emi sits down next to me and looks towards me. I follow her motions and look back at her.
“I-I haven’t been completely honest with you.”
I lean back slightly. “What do you mean?”
Emi looks away again. “W-well there was another reason I told you to sit down on this bench.”
I lean forward. “And what’s that?”
The girl looks back and gives me a sad expression. “I-I’m in a bit of a predicament, and I need your help to get out of it.”
I smile at the girl and place my hand on her shoulder. “Sure no problem, Emi.”
Emi blushes slightly. “R-really?” I nod. ”W-well ok, I kind of [smaller] need you to go with me into town today.”[/smaller]
I lean forward. “What’s that, I couldn’t hear you?”
The girl looks away again. “I need you to come into town with me and…”
I remove me hand. “Ok sure, you’ve goner out of your way to help me. The least I can…”
Emi cuts me off. “I’m not finished. I need you to come to town with me and introduce yourself to my mother as …” Suddenly Emi grabs my hand and looks into my eyes. “…my boyfriend.”
I feel my face getting hot. “I-I’m a little confused here, could you elaborate?”
Emi starts to blush profusely and turns away. “M-my mom thinks we’re going out.”
I pull my hand away. “And how would she come to that conclusion? I unintentionally snap as I ask. “Did you did say that we are…” The girl feverishly shakes her head. “Then how did she…”
Emi turns back towards me. “I talk about you, when I speak with my mom… a lot. And she worries so I never said we weren’t either.”
I cross my arms and give the girl a sour look. “And why would you…”
Emi cuts me off. “W-well you see.” She turns away as her face starts to get red.
”Yeah?” I lean closer to the girl, while she turns towards me once more; still blushing.
“I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!”
The girl’s confession rings across the empty tack and echoes in the nearby building. Off in the distance a flock of birds flies off. Emi instantly covers her mouth.
I fall off the bench, with a loud thud in shock over what I just heard and lie* there for a few moments, waiting for my heart to calm down again. Emi instantly jumps off the bench, runs over to me, and offers me her hand, so she can help me up. I look at her for a few moments before talking her hand. The girl helps me off the ground and back onto the bench.
“A-are you okay, Hisao?”
I nod. “Y-yeah, I-I’m fine.” I scratch the back of my head, as I try to piece together what I just heard. ’Did Emi just…no that’s impossible…isn’t it?’
“Emi did you…” The girl nods. ’Ok that answers that question’
Emi sits back down onto the bench. “For a while now, even when you started seeing Hanako. I-I never…” The girl looks down at her feet.”…stopped liking you.”
I let out a sigh and scratch the back of my head once more. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
Emi turns towards me and takes my hand. “I never had the courage to tell you how I feel.”
’So me badgering it out of her, was what it took?’
The girl smiles once more and looks into my eyes. “So even if you don't feel the same way about me, I need you to pretend that we're...“ I open my mouth to say something, but Emi squeezes my hand and continues to look into my eyes. “Please Hisao.”
-To be continued
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 2:28 am
I gotta say it took a while to read all these little shorts but it was worth it. Well written characters well done overall. I'm a big Rin and or Hanako fan so most stories concerning them interest me. I hope you keep working I enjoy your work, its better than the stuff I write
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 4:49 pm
I always enjoy reading feed back about my work.
Anyway, part three is in the works and i hope to at least have the draft done by the end of this weekend.
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 5:04 pm
I just started reading these. Excellent job, Snicket.
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 12:58 pm
Snicket, you wouldn't happen to still be writing these, would you? It's been like.... three months since the last one you posted so...
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 4:13 pm
been neglecting this thread for too long. I'll write something soon...maybe.
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:13 am
Snicket, these stories are really great so far.
You could use a thorough proofreader though... I'd love to do that for you if you plan on continuing with these. Just respond and let me know!
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 3:42 pm
It would be hard to keep up with all 15 pages of work, so I suppose I'll just kick things off, and start reviewing this latest short tale of yours... that is, I still haven't read everything else yet. It seems evident that this is a long story, with short chapters, I suppose. But since these are shorts, I'm sure I can fill the gaps in my head as I go along. Again, what I have to say is being based off of what I can see on this page right now, but... I can already tell, you're a good writer.
From what I can tell, your writing is quick, and fluid. It doesn't take a lot of time to describe things, from scenery, to emotion, to other observations. I myself can bog myself in writing with walls of text, but you're able to keep it nice and short, not unlike the quick interactions you might see on the visual novel itself.
The apparent dreams and waking up, seem like they stray from the norm of the VN, going a bit in personal depth for Hisao, which is good to see. Then things progress kinda like what you'd expect playing the game when he goes out to meet Emi. It feels very genuine if you can get the feeling you can immerse yourself in writing, imagining it being the visual novel itself playing out. And sure enough, Emi and Hisao themselves are very in character, and while Emi herself is not my favorite, you don't fail to make her come off as very cute. Her predicament was actually kinda funny when I read it for the first time.
Anyway, this was a good read so far. I'll have to see what's happened in the past pages, and I look forward to it. Until next time.
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 1:15 am
Actually that last part was only part two in the current story iirc. The previous stories are unrelated.
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 3:38 am
It as Mirage says..posts. Most of theses aren't connected. They may occur in the Ks universe, but not as a series of related events. ( I hope i worded that right.)
I'll try to get something written sometime soon.
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 8:44 am
the stories are all wonderful and show real talent.
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2012 6:46 am
I've been meaning to post this for a while, but for various reason, i didn't. Rather then list the reasons i didn't, i'll just cut to the chase since this is going to be a long post anyway, either if i cut out my mindless ranting.
For those of you who haven't picked up on this, i haven't submitted anything here in quite a while. And i was content on letting this thread die off. However every so often someone would post here, saying how much they liked my work and ask if i'm going to post more....or something to that effect. So i figured, i'd at least give those people and the ones that have been following this thread for the last few years some closure to some of the open arcs i never finished. Most had a planned and even written continuation or ending, but where never posted. Because i either got bored with it or wasn't motivated enough to type it. So with out further ado, i'll begin.
*The OC Natsumi arch.*
I went into this one on a whim and at first kept at it. However, it started to get taxing as it progressed. Mainly because it was a different view point then the MC's. (one that i had been going by since i started writing these.) Another being that it was from a female prospective. Which is something i haven't done before or since. Though, i'm getting a head of myself, so I'll move on.
This is arch, Natsumi would have eventually come to terms with her feelings for Hisao and more or less 'stealing' him from his current love interest(s). Much to their dismay. (Though the way it was written, there wasn't one 'true' love interest, rather a bunch of potentials.) Anyway, despite the consequences of her actions, Natsumi would of still maintained attempt to be friends with them. Which didn't far so well. As things would have progressed, Natsumi's 'disability' would been reveled, when she saved a student from burning building. (A bit cleshay' i know) After sacrificing her right arm in an attempt to pry the door open and activating the sprinkler system. Then shattering her left leg, After jumping out a window with the trapped student and absorbing most of the impact from the fall. Natsumi then stops with her 'mask' she's been putting on and acts more like herself. Later donning a set of clunky metal ones, that served as a constant reminder of her 'disability.' However, those too would eventually break, causing Natsumi to break down and relive tragic the even that resulted in the loss of her arm and leg.. (an event that she has suppressed until then.)
Natsumi would eventually get over this, but without any 'mechanical' limbs. She's forced to rely on others. (Some of them being the ones she hurt, when she stole Hisao.) Using a pair of merely astadict ones, which she calls 'dead fish' because there server no purpose and are only there. So that she/people don't see the stubs of where her limbs once were. Eventually, on a whim, she asks Kenji to repair her clunky metal limbs.(Who she thinks is a mechanical genius, because of all the gadgets he has....Not knowing he didn't make any of them.) Who to even Hisao's surprise, agrees to help her. Exchange for information on the 'feminist conspiracy' to rule the world. The limbs are repaired rather quickly and to Natsumi's surprise are better then they were before they broke. She then explains to Kenji that there is not female plot for world domination and offers to pay Kenji for his work. He turns down the money, saying that he believes Natsumi. Since she has no reason to lie to him and intrusted something to him that is odiously precious to her. However, he still doesn't dismiss the fact that there still is a conspiracy for world domination and comes to the conclusion that who ever is behind it. Only made it look like woman were behind it, so it would throw off him off the trail of what was really going on.
Returning her Independence and allowing her to attempt to repair her 'more human like' ones,' but eventually realizes the damage is too great and sends them back for repairs. Eventually getting them back, Nastsumi decides to continue wearing the metal ones. Figuring that she doesn't need to hide anymore. However, Hisao asks her to wear them once more, when they visit his parent's house. Since he neglected to tell them about her limbs, in fear that they wouldn't accept there relationship. And that he's just around her out of pity. Much to her dismay, Natsumi wears them once more and anciently reviles her fake arm, after slicing into her hand with a knife. When helping make dinner. After explaining/ demonstrating to Hisoa's parents that Natsumi doesn't needs to go to the hospital. They enjoy dinner and explain that they'd except anyone Hisao's befriends or falls in love with. As long as he's happy. Teh following day, Hisao takes Natsumi out on a date and a to show her his home town. Along the way however, they run into Iwanako. Whose not fairing so well and has been alienated from everyone since the incident. Being the butt if everyone's jokes, she had fallen into a depression. She attempts to speak with Hisao, who is still kind of hung up on her sudden disappearance and isn't to eager to open old wounds. However, Natsumi suggests that he at least makes an attempt to talk to Iwanako. Since he still has strong feeling about the matter and that it would help him get past it. Rather then continuing to dwell on it. Hisao agrees and the two speak, while Natsumi gives the two some space.
However, much to her surprise. Iwanako confesses that she still has feeling for Hisao and they should give the relationship another try. Knowing this is an act pf desperation, Natsumi steps in and tells the girl she should move on and that Hisao is with her now. Iwanako of course freaks out and starts lashing out on Natsumi, saying that Hisao much have a fetish for 'broken girls' since he is now dating one and calls Yamaku the 'school for freaks.' Hisao at this point steps in and tells Iwanako to calm down that explains he has no such fetish and that he's with Natsumi, because he cares for her and not because of some weird fetish. This of course doesn't go well with Iwanako, who them starts belittling Natsumi further and saying that she must have the 'fetish' and that she used her money and influences to get into the school. Natsumi denies this and says there is a reason for her to go to the school. Which Iwanako demands she show proof of this. Natsumi complies, despite Hisao's protest; removes her right arm and tosses it on the table. Showing Iwanako that it's fake and explains that her left legs is like that too. Realizing what's she's done, Iwanako apologizes and attempts to make amence for her actions and her disappearance last fall.
...And that's what i had for that arch. Most of 'that' was typed up, whoever for some reason, my computer crashed one day and i had to restore a back up from an much earlier version. Resulting in the loss of a lot of files. Including the unposted word documents of this one. So i just kind of gave up on finishing this and moved on.
A few facts:
This Oc character went though a few changes when i finally decided on the 'current' one. One being that Natsumi would of had a sever case of Inspector Gadget Syndrome. Meaning that her limbs would have often failed or spazed out at the most inappropriate of times. Another one was that she would going to be a lot more depressed and that her 'mask' was a way for her to deal with her feelings. (this element was kinda left in, but i didn't include all the depressing/ traumatic dream flashbacks.) Something else that was left out was another reason for Natsumi's blue right eye. Instead of heterochromia, she was originally going to be blind her right eye. A result from the accident that resulted in the loss of her limbs. However that was quickly scrapped and replaced with it being a different eye color.
Some other things where that Natsumi had a sever case of survivors guilt. Being the only one out the four people in the accident to survive. And only survived because one of her friends shielded her from falling debris with his own body. coupled with a case of depression from this thinking that she should of been one of victims, since she wouldn't have left behind a caring family to morn over her. Instead she would have left behind a bunch of work-alcoholics, who couldn't even prey them selves away from work long enough to even visit her in the hospital. And the faft that the parents of her now dead friends all turned on her. Demanding compensation for their children's death. Despite before this being more of a family to Natsumi, then her real family ever was. Which caused Natsumi to eventually block this out and willing to transfer to an all girl's school as a means of escape.
As you can tell, i has planned on doing more with this character. Thought for various reason, i didn't. As you've probably noticed. Any planned arch i've attempted to write, tends to remain unfinished.
*The love triangle arch*
This one only has one more 'short' planned. With Hisao, finally choosing either Lilly or Hanako. The Akira part was just going to written off as her wondering why her sister was so infatuated with Hisao and thought he was a good kisser or something. This whole thing just kinda fell apart when i tried to write a two part end one for if He choose Lilly and the other for if Hisao chose Hanako. Since it more or less came out like another write fag's work, despite never reading it, until long after coming up the idea myself and typing most of it up.
Now i know this didn't make it past the first 'short', but i had planned on it being a two partner. Withe the second part being a sort of drunken bizarre adventure with Hisao, Miki, and Kenji. Paraphrasing a certain scene from Pulp Fiction. Resulting in Hisao and Kenji stealing Muuto's car to drive Miki to the Hospital.
The Whole thing just got way too silly and ridiculous to finish.
In this one, after agreeing to go on a 'date' with Emi. To meet her mother. Hisao, discovers that Emi was the one that volunteered to help him with his morning runs, the nurse had nothing to do with it. Because she thought Hisao was attractive and jumped that the first opportunity to spend time with him. (It was only a bounce that it involved running at the track.) Though along the way, it's relieved that Emi actually gave this 'fake date' some thought and runs everything by Hisao that she told her mother. So that there story would be straight. Upon meeting Emi's mom, it's reveled that she has the same mannerisms as someone right around his own age and is a huge flirt. Even going as far giving him an enthusiastic hug upon meeting him. Joking that she might 'steal' Hisao away from Emi and keep him for herself. The rest of the 'date' progressed as usual, until Emi's mom makes an excuse to have Emi retrieve her check book in her car to pay for the meal. So that she can talk to Hisao about his relationship with her daughter. Getting serious and demanding that Hisao, not just cast her aside when he's done. (Emi expalins later, that something happened similar, before she met Emi's father.So she's worried that the same thing will happen to Emi.)
After this the conclusion was split into three parts. As with my prior attempt, it had an alternate ending. With Hisao choosing one of the three girls.
*In the Hanako end, everything would more or less return to normal. With Hanako explaining that her weird behavior was because she felt uneasy about stealing Hisao away. Despite knowing that Lilly liked him too. Also, since she made her feelings clear. Emi starts to try and monopolize Hisao's time, in the name of 'heath and fitness'. So that she can spend more time with him.
*In the Lilly end, an awkward air hangs around the tea room for quite some time. Hanako stops coming for a while, making Lilly and Hisao think that she is made at them. However, this all ends up be false. When she returns and acts like nothing is wrong. Emi doesn't try anything in this one, since it's reveled that during her absence. Hanako had a very heated talk with Emi.
*In Emi end, Hisao eventually stops hanging out with Hanako and Lilly. Since everything became awkward after that. Except occasionally Hanako would pay him a visit every so often and make a few suggestions on what books he should check out. Or Lilly would 'run into him' on the way to class and ask him to assist her in some matters.
-So there you go, all open arks are now closed. I did it this way, since i'll probably never finish them, much less post any other 'short's here in the unforeseeable future. So i figured i'd at at least not leave people hanging.
However, i do have some 'snip-its' from a now scrapped CYOA thread. I was working on a long time ago. There are only about a handful of them and most are written in one of my earlier writing styles. 'If' I find them, i'll post them. I might try to clean them up a bit, but no promises.
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:07 pm
yay, the cliffnotes to the shorts! well good job on getting to where you are, life happens, and life goes on... at least you provided some closure unlike the many unfinished FF floating about... Oh and good job on your spelling and grammar it improved significantly when you compare your first and last one...
Re: KS Shorts
Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 2:00 pm
Just gonna leave it here
Some Snicket CYOA from /a/ board on 4ch
also DISABILITY SCHOOL OF THE DEAD arc pretty neat