KS Shorts

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Jul 28, 2010 5:38 pm

A few issues:
- It's nice you want to give the readers clues as to what is going to happen, but keep in mind you're writing this story from Natsumi's perspective, so every information you give the reader should be available to Natsumi as well. For example you're dropping hints left and right that Hanako is in love with Hisao, yet Natsumi seems not to notice. Makes her seem a bit dense. Also her own feelings for Hisao are not quite clear, and when writing from her perspective those should be most detailed of all.
- MIsha doesn't append "-icchan" to all names but only "-chan", a suffix used for small children and very close friends that Misha uses for most everyone. By coincidence, both Shizune's and Hisao's names begin with syllables ending in "i". Natsumi begins with NA, so Misha would probably call her "Nacchan".
- Try to avoid one-line-paragraphs, e.g.:
**
After finishing my morning routine, I gather my books and supplies and head off to class.
**
Despite how much time has passed, the venture to class always seems the same. Having to watch for other students walking the wrong direction or swinging a cane around has some how become routine for me.
**
Dodging the daily obstacles of the halls I arrive at the class room a few minutes before the waning bell.
**
They break the flow of reading. If nothing interesting happens on the way from the dorm to the class, just skip it.
- Small thing: Emis said she hasn't told Natsume her name. Technichally correct, but Rin introduced them.
- I agree that spelling is two pegs down from your last chapter. Get a proofreader. Most of them work for free, you know 8)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Mag
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Mag » Thu Jul 29, 2010 1:44 am

Nice story Snicket. There was only one moment in this story that surprised me to the point I almost had a heart attack. Hanako wearing makeup? Impossible. She doesn't want ANY attention at all. But this still intrigues me. Does bring up an idea or two in my head like, "Does she like Hisao?" But then i realize that Lilly and Hisao are together in this story. So maybe someone else she's trying to impress? I'll just wait for your next short. Hopefully it may help me figure out what's going on.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:29 am

Mag wrote:But then i realize that Lilly and Hisao are together in this story.
Huh? Did I miss something? What gave you that impression?
Snicket wrote:As the two turn to leave, I notice Lilly standing in the door way facing them as they head towards the class room. She must not have noticed me still standing there, since Lilly lets out a sad sigh and enters the class room.
‘Is she jealous of that shy girl and Hisao...More importantly are they in that kind of relationship?’
"they" referring to Hanako and Hisao. And I think in the meantime it has been established that the answer is "no".
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Mag
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Mag » Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:33 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Mag wrote:But then i realize that Lilly and Hisao are together in this story.
Huh? Did I miss something? What gave you that impression?
Snicket wrote:As the two turn to leave, I notice Lilly standing in the door way facing them as they head towards the class room. She must not have noticed me still standing there, since Lilly lets out a sad sigh and enters the class room.
‘Is she jealous of that shy girl and Hisao...More importantly are they in that kind of relationship?’
"they" referring to Hanako and Hisao. And I think in the meantime it has been established that the answer is "no".
huh now that i read back, i noticed that i may have created something up in my head. for some reason i remember reading a part where lilly and hisao kissed. may be my mind messing with me but then again, i could have swore i read something like that. oh well. This gives Hanako a chance with Hisao XD

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Snicket
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Snicket » Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:50 am

Well i shamefully admit that a few portions of this 'short' where thrown together, so that may explain the inconsistently and the break in the flow. Also i wrong a good half of this before, but scrapped most of it since Natsume came off as too much of a bitch. Though i did use part of the intro and most of the first classroom scene from it, so that probably explains why a few things don't fit together. Also i wasn't trying to make my OC 'dense,' rather that she didn't want step on the the other girls toes by acting on her feelings she has for Hisao. But after rereading it, i can see where i messed that up.

There are a few tid bits i could mention that i attempted to 'fix' or change, but it wouldn't do much good at this point. Though if anyone wants to prof read this and make sence of this, please feel free to. I welcome all feed back and would like to have these funner to read for everyone.

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Snicket
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Snicket » Tue Aug 31, 2010 4:51 pm

Sorry for double posting, but no one else has posted here in a while.

Anyway, I've noticed that despite any new posts, the page views for this thread have gone up substantially since my last visit. So either that means people are are still interested in these or someone is pulling my leg and making look like it.

For those that are still genuinely interested in these, I'm pleased to announce that i will be continuing. In fact I'm currently working on one as we speak. (Expect something this weekend or sometime next week.) Though I'm going to attempt using a new writing style, so that these don't look like a 20 pager. When in fact they are more along the lines of 10-12. So expect that. Also these aren't going to be as long as the others, since the shear length, has apparently tuned off some members to finish reading my 'shorts'. (No pun intended.)

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Mag
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Mag » Wed Sep 01, 2010 1:54 am

well i haven't been on the site for quite some time but i am still interested in your character. Would like to see how all this turns out. also, i don't mind if your "shorts" are longer than they should be. Details can make a story better.

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kosherbacon
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by kosherbacon » Wed Sep 01, 2010 9:38 am

Yay! Hope is still alive!

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Snicket
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Snicket » Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:46 pm

Well i didn't see this happening. O.o

For those who still are a waiting a continuation of these 'shorts' please be a bit more patient. RL has been a real b**** lately and i really haven't had the time to sit down a write any of these in a while. How ever i'll try to get something posted soon.

Though before you start going on about my recent 'shop' activity, let me tell you this. PS is easy, i can do a quick one in a few minutes. Writing something not in a different language is the hard thing.

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Shades of gray
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Shades of gray » Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:39 am

Take your time Snicket. I know just how real life can consume you *looks at Halo reach and Fallout New Vegas*

I check in everyday to see if my favorite writers have updated... seeing the thread had a post by you made me giddy... for all the 2 seconds it took to load the page V_V

ah well... back to Fallout i go
2 kidneys for sale, slightly used, non-functional, no refunds.
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Sgt_Frog
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Sgt_Frog » Fri Oct 22, 2010 7:48 am

I think I'm missing something. Wasn't Natsumi's disability rhematoid arthritis or something? Would she need prosthetics? Leg braces, maybe, but she isn't missing any limbs, is she?

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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Guest » Thu Jan 20, 2011 11:52 am

sorry for necro bumping but this is just to good to let go. if you still post here snicket please know you still ahve at least one devoted fan :mrgreen:

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trekki859
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by trekki859 » Thu Jan 20, 2011 11:54 am

ops. forgot to log in to post that. just to let ya know its me who was talking last post =D
in the wise words of Jack O'neill ..."what?"

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Mag
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Mag » Thu Jan 20, 2011 4:05 pm

trekki859 wrote:ops. forgot to log in to post that. just to let ya know its me who was talking last post =D
Same here big guy, though i have been MIA for quite some time. Still a fan of your work though.

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Snicket
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Re: KS Shorts

Post by Snicket » Fri Feb 11, 2011 5:57 pm

well I'm a little surprised to this thread still on page one. Has there really been so few new entries that people have to ask the old fags for new content? AH! 'm just messing with ya, but still why now? I haven't posted anything in a while. And why you ask. Well its a bit hard to come up with new stories, with so little material to worth with. I even created an Oc because of this, but then i got bored with that. As for any new material related to Natsumi or otherwise, i don't know. I have a few ideas rattling around in the old noggin, but to actually sit down and write them. I can't seem to find the time, much less the drive to do so.

I'm not calling it quits just yet, but please don't hold your breath.

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