Miscommunication (BAD END)

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Kazukagi
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Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by Kazukagi » Sun May 17, 2009 12:35 am

Here's my first crack at this.

[Shizune route, obviously. The premise here is that Hisao knows basic sign, but only a few phrases. This is late into the relationship of Hisao and Shizune. He's asked Misha to teach him a few specific phrases to tell Shizune, and the story goes from there.]

'The work is done.' Shizune signed to me. I gave a nod. These days in the club room didn't seem so bad anymore, I was enjoying my time here, with Shizune.

A golden glare hit my face, and I raised a hand to shield my eyes. Turning to Shizune, I signed, 'Sunset, watch?' She signed a positive response back to me. Smiling, I put my arm around her and walked towards the window.

As I rested my head on the windowsill, Shizune came down to join me, gently placing her head next to mine. We cast our gazes forward, watching in silence as the setting sun turned the horizon a brilliant gold. I realised that I felt, for the first time in a long time, that things were perfect. Sitting here, this beautiful scenery, with the love of my life right next to me, my condition seemed of little concern. All the troubles that had plagued me, ever since I arrived, seemed to be distant memories. I realized that I was content, for the first time since the day I collapsed in the snow.

“I know you can't hear me...” I spoke softly, she craned her head at the sight of my moving lips. “But that's okay. I'll tell you in a moment, tell you something I've been wanting to tell you for ages. I just hadn't had the courage to tell you, till now, I'm sorry for that.”

She furrowed her brow in aggravation, backing away from me slightly to sign to me. 'What are you saying?' She asked me. I turned, smiling at her confusion. She seemed so beautiful there, illuminated by the golden sun. This was the perfect time to tell her, I knew it.

Carefully, I lifted my arms, taking extra care to sign out my message perfectly. This phrase, I had asked Misha to teach it to me specifically. Perhaps I could have conveyed my message with my own limited vocabulary, but I wanted this to be perfect. So, I perfectly recited what Shizune had taught me to sign. Three simple words, that told everything I wanted her to know.

I. Love. You.

She froze, obviously taken aback by my sign. She took a step back from me, signing a single word. Repeat, she said. I signed the same thing.

Lightly, she shook her head, her expression one of almost... fright. Was she so afraid of that?

'I Love Yo, I signed again. 'I never want to leave you, ever', I signed after, the second phrase Misha had taught me. I had said it to reassure her, but instead she backed to the edge of the room, shaking her head. Confused, I walked towards her. She franticly signed to me.

'Do you really mean that?'

'Yes', I signed back. She froze again, a look of absolute terror on her face.

Slowly, she unfroze, shaking more and more as the seconds ticked on.

'Fine.' she signed back, tears rolling from her eyes, 'Then goodbye.' She signed. Before I could react, she was gone, dashing from the room. Only her tears on the classroom floor left of her. I stood, motionless, in total shock. What had happened? What had I done wrong?

The peaceful feeling came crashing down around me instantly. How? How had that perfect moment warped into this..?

“I have to go after her.” Yes, I have to chase her, to talk to her. I must have said something wrong, there's no way that she would have done that without a good reason...!

As I slid open the classroom door, I almost collided with a bubbly looking Misha. She stared at me for a second, then turned to look down the hall.

“Shizune just ran away in tears.” Misha observed, though the tone of her voice seemed a bit too... happy. “Did you say something mean to her Hiichan? That's no good you know, you can't go saying mean things to your lover.”

“Misha...” I whispered. “W-Wait, Misha, I need you to tell me! What does this mean!?” I franticly redid the sign I had used for Shizune. Misha watched with rapt attention till the end, then gave a bright smile.

“Oh, that's easy Hiichan! It means, “I hate you.”

“Wha-” Thump. Suddenly my heart beats like a drum. Strong, I feel like it will burst out of my chest. I can't move, rooted to the spot, I feel my mind fog as my attention is torn between my pounding heart and Misha's smiling face.

“But you said-” Yes, she said. She said that she was teaching me how to say-.

“Oh yeah, I lied.” She announces happily. “I didn't really teach you how to say 'I love you', and 'I never want to leave you'.”

Thump. If that's true then...

“Then wha-?” She leans closer to me, a full smirk now on her face.

“I really taught you, 'I hate you', and 'I neer want to see you, ever'.”

THUMP. Those things, I said those things. I said such horrible things to Shizune. But-?

“Why?” My heart pounds faster and faster in my chest, pounding up into my throat. Pathetically, I croak out one word. Misha just widens her smirk.

“Because, I wanted Hiichan for myself, obviously.” She declares simply. “Hisao, when you got too close to Shizune, you started ignoring me. Shizune too. What if you had learned sign? She wouldn't need me anymore, so that would make me worthless.”

No... for something so little, you-?

“So I decided to kill two birds with one stone!” She cries happily, clapping her hands together energetically. “Now Shizune needs me and hates you, and Hiichan has no choice but to come crawling to me!”

So then, all of this was caused by-?

THUMP THUMP.

I run. I slam my hand into Misha's stomach, throwing her against the hallway as I dash down the corridor. Pushing myself far beyond my tolerable speed, I jet down the hallway.

“Shizune, I need to find Shizune.”

Yes, I just need to find her, explain things to her. If I tell her my mistake, if I explain Misha's role in all of this, then things will be normal... right?

Yes, things will be normal. They have to be. It was perfect, that scene before the sunset. That perfection wasn't meant to become this. No, it was meant to flourish into something so much more beautiful.

My hands push on the front doors, and I hit the cool dusk air. She would be in my dorm, getting her stuff together. If she was really going to leave, then she'd be taking her stuff from my room. I pick up the pace, each step causing my heart to pulse louder in my chest.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Each stride causes the organ in my chest to beat closer and closer to my ribs, and by the time I make it to my dorm, I already feel in danger of passing out. Slowly, I open the door.

And find nothing within. Her bag is still here, but she isn't. Shizune hadn't even bothered. It came to me at once, in a single, crashing realization. To her, I must have broken her heart from nowhere. Why would she even want to think about me right now? She wouldn't come here, I was a fool.

A sharp knock at my door. My thoughts abandoning me, I dart towards it.

“Shizune!” I cry, throwing the door open. Instead, another girl stands at the door.

“Hiichan, that was mean, throwing me into the wall like that.” She chides playfully. “And why did you call her name again? You know she hates you by now, Hiichan. You should give up and focus on the girl you actually have a chance with!”

Thump.

“Stay back.” I say in a shaky voice. I take a step back, but upon seeing this she takes one forward.

“Hiichan, what are you afraid of?”

Thump.

“Stay...”

This girl, this girl has ruined everything. It was perfect. For the first time in forever... yet because of this girl.

“Hiichan, you're starting to annoy me.” She huffs out her cheeks in a playful matter. “Now come closer!”

“Back!!” I take a step back, and collide with the dresser. Knowing I have no room to maneuver, Misha closes in. Panicking, I look behind me. Something, anything to-

Thump.

There, on the dresser. The fruit knife Shizune had been using to peel apples in the morning.

Thump.

My finger flinch over the object. I turn again.

“Stay-!” I start, in vain. She's already inches from me, far too close.

THUMP.

I grab the knife off the dresser, lashing out with it blindly. Despite my eyes being closed, I feel the knife connect with something. I push against the object with all my strength.

Thump....

Suddenly the room is quiet. The only sound comes from my heart, pounding so hard that I'm surprised it's yet to burst. Slowly, I open my eyes.

Red.

Red, it's everywhere, mixed with every color. Red on pink, her hair blotched. Red on green, the splatters on my coat. Red on steel, the blade bathed. Red on white, her blouse, blossoming into a brilliant red. Red on skin, I look up. Her face is still putting on a smile, though her eyes are devoid of any life by now.

Slowly, I back away, the knife falling backwards with her figure onto the ground. There she lies, the red from her body slowly seeping from her corpse into the carpet. I look at my own two hands, stained with the same red as the carpet. I realize.

I killed her.

THUMP THUMP THUMP.

My hands shoot up in reflex as my heart pounds up against my ribs, a familiar agonizing pain filling up my being. A heart attack, and a bad one.

I turn. There on the dresser, my meds already sorted into plastic cups. With the little control I have left, I stumble over. There, almost there, I'm almost there. Just one more step and-!

The strength leaves me all at once as a new wave of pain hits me, and I fall heavily against the dresser. Cups and pills fly about the room. I look up. There, one cup still stands, the pills still resting within. My shaking hand reaches upward, clawing for the cup. As my fingers brush, the tip, the next wave of pain hits me, and my hand swats the cup, sending pills flying across the room.

“N-No!”

I hit the ground, my body numbing in response to my dimming vision. I'm crying, hot tears streaming down my face. In desperation I claw at any pill on the floor I see, shoving them into my mouth, but to no avail. By the time I've downed a few discarded meds, I no longer have the strength to move my body.

On my back, looking up at the brightly lit ceiling, I think about many things. About my life before the first accident, and how boring it seemed. My life in that hospital, and how golden that old life had seemed to me. I realized that ever since that day, my life had no meaning. Those days in the hospital, trapped in stais. These days at school, as me and Shizune grew closer and closer, only to part violently in the end.

Yes, I knew from the first time they told me of my condition that it would end this way. I should have just died that day in the snow, then I would have spared others so much pain. Her so much pain.

The last of my strength giving out, my head fell to the side, eyes focusing on the dead girl lying next to me. Yet as soon as I had set eyes on her, my vision faded to black, and I welcome the death that only now do I realize I've been wanting for so long.

END

So there. I know Misha acts a little... er, extreme in this, but I'm basing this off of an assumption that Misha will become jealous of the relationship between Hisao and Shizune. So yeah.

Also, I realize that there should be more dialogue between Hisao's initial “confession”, and Shizune running from the room, but she wouldn't be signing sentence fragments in disbelief, so just imagine lots of turmoil going on in her head.

Feel free to rip it to shreds. Though if you have any constructive criticism, I'd be more thankful for that. I intent to try my hand at more of these, so feedback is always nice.
Life and death may be back to back, but they will never face each other. I'll show you, this is what it means to kill something..." -Shiki Tohno

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SnigendePind
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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by SnigendePind » Sun May 17, 2009 2:36 am

Uh, thanks, now I hate Misha even more.

However, it's a nice story! I guess it could end that way. But wouldn't Hisao ask his sign language teacher about how to say it, due to the fact that he might get the wrong signs from Misha?
Some people don't have arms. So what? Some people don't see colors, either.
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<@Raide> why does it sad to be touched? shouldn't you get a boner?

90% of the students were actually sent to Yamaku for being too lesbian. All those disabilities going around are just curious coincidence.
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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by EmP|ty » Sun May 17, 2009 3:38 am

Nice piece 'o writing there.
I don't like the ending, made me saaaad ;_;

Also not directed at you in particular, but why do so many of these fan-made endings seem to involve Hisao killing someone, or someone killing Hisao? it's rather disturbing.

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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by cpl_crud » Sun May 17, 2009 4:01 am

I guess my problem here is the pacing.

You've gone from a nice, slow scene where Hisao is supposed to be confessing, then paused a little as Shizune was confused, then hit the throttle to get to the end. To be honest I do the same thing as well, especially when I get a "good" idea and want to get there.

Yes, a chance of the pace in a scene like this makes sense, but the change here is a little too great here. Perhaps make Misha delay him longer, or have him think about where Shizune would be.

A couple of other points:
- Why is Hisao only now learning "I Love You" if Shizune has things in his room? And why would that be the natural place for her to go? To her, she's just been dumped; wouldn't it make more sense for her to go to Misha or back to her own room to sulk? You gloss over this with a simple "I'm an idiot".
(A note on this: When you write your character thinking "I'm an idiot" then that's usually their way of telling you that something is amiss. You subconsciosuly type "I'm an idiot" because you can't offer any better explaination for their actions.)

- On that note, Shizune's reaction. She obviosuly knows that Hisao's Sign isnt' up to scratch, so would she really react in that way? If she's already moved in with him, don't you think she would have checked what he thought he was saying?

- Too many Thumps. Yes, it's important to emphasise that he's having a heart attack, but there's too many of them. It not only breaks the flow, but with so many lines exactly the same it can confuse the reader, so yu end up skipping lines.

- Hisao's reaction was unjustified. To stab someone takes a lot of effort, and really he's not thinking like that. He also gives up on finding Shizune far too quickly.


I think that's about it; an intersetign conversation has developed in the Dev channel so I got distracted at the thend there.
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Kazukagi
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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by Kazukagi » Sun May 17, 2009 4:06 am

SnigendePind wrote: But wouldn't Hisao ask his sign language teacher about how to say it, due to the fact that he might get the wrong signs from Misha?
I never actually considered that. I guess he might have been to embarrassed to ask his teacher, so he asked Misha instead. That's my patchwork logic for it. Thanks though, I'll try to refine that.
EmP|ty wrote: Also not directed at you in particular, but why do so many of these fan-made endings seem to involve Hisao killing someone, or someone killing Hisao? it's rather disturbing.
Mostly due to the fact that most visual novels have... well let's face it, brutal BAD ENDS. From getting eaten by a shark in a hallway to getting your head cut off by your pregnant girlfriend, BAD ENDS typically involve death on some scale. I could have written this without Misha getting stabbed, but Hisao dying of a heart attack was IMO needed to wrap up the end, and I figured that the shock of killing Misha would do it nicely.

I don't know, maybe I just like the idea of Misha dying. I'm no fan after all :)
Life and death may be back to back, but they will never face each other. I'll show you, this is what it means to kill something..." -Shiki Tohno

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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by SnigendePind » Sun May 17, 2009 9:19 am

Kazukagi wrote:
SnigendePind wrote: But wouldn't Hisao ask his sign language teacher about how to say it, due to the fact that he might get the wrong signs from Misha?
I never actually considered that. I guess he might have been to embarrassed to ask his teacher, so he asked Misha instead. That's my patchwork logic for it. Thanks though, I'll try to refine that.
My first thought was that he would be too embarrased to ask Misha, since she know him well. A teacher also wouldn't tell anyone.
Some people don't have arms. So what? Some people don't see colors, either.
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<@Raide> why does it sad to be touched? shouldn't you get a boner?

90% of the students were actually sent to Yamaku for being too lesbian. All those disabilities going around are just curious coincidence.
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Pato2747
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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by Pato2747 » Sun May 17, 2009 12:11 pm

It's pretty good, I liked it.

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Kazukagi
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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by Kazukagi » Sun May 17, 2009 2:02 pm

SnigendePind wrote:
My first thought was that he would be too embarrased to ask Misha, since she know him well. A teacher also wouldn't tell anyone.
Damn logic. Gets me every time :evil:
Life and death may be back to back, but they will never face each other. I'll show you, this is what it means to kill something..." -Shiki Tohno

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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by SnigendePind » Sun May 17, 2009 2:13 pm

Kazukagi wrote:
SnigendePind wrote:
My first thought was that he would be too embarrased to ask Misha, since she know him well. A teacher also wouldn't tell anyone.
Damn logic. Gets me every time :evil:
Heh, sorry mate. =P
Some people don't have arms. So what? Some people don't see colors, either.
- WetCrate

<@Raide> why does it sad to be touched? shouldn't you get a boner?

90% of the students were actually sent to Yamaku for being too lesbian. All those disabilities going around are just curious coincidence.
- Minister of Gloom

Made you look.

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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by Nachoman » Sun May 17, 2009 3:18 pm

SnigendePind wrote: My first thought was that he would be too embarrased to ask Misha, since she know him well. A teacher also wouldn't tell anyone.
A teacher not telling anyone would depend on the teacher's own psych profile and the school's policy. If the school and/or teacher are bad enough, then Hisao might have even found a few pages "missing" from the sign-language dictionaries on the library. Hisao would then need to ask a fellow sign language user, one that he thinks would be sympathetic. Which one would then be a question of convenience and/or embarrassment. If he thinks that Mikado is sympathetic with him dating her best friend, it would be natural to ask her.

Then again, this could have derived from a few plot turns where Shi- and Hi-chan start to get as sweet as honey and Misha feels left out. If Misha was a lonely kid before she met Shizune and then got accustomed to being around Shizune 24/7, having time for herself would have been absolutely terrifying. Then her own crush comes to her and asks her how to confess to the one girl she doesn't want to let go... that's just too easy for her.

For Misha to have gone then to speak with Hisao and told him outright what she did... well, now that's pushing it, unless Shizune really was the only brain in their little duo and Misha had become quite unhinged.

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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by Leotrak » Sat May 29, 2010 8:38 am

Nachoman wrote:
SnigendePind wrote: For Misha to have gone then to speak with Hisao and told him outright what she did... well, now that's pushing it, unless Shizune really was the only brain in their little duo and Misha had become quite unhinged.
"Unhinged" works for me... :P

Have to agree with cpl_crud on the pacing, though >_> It really did go a little fast all of a sudden, like a runaway train <_<
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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by Xuan » Sat May 29, 2010 10:41 am

Well I skipped the moment I came in contact with the Misha going crazy part cause I got that feeling I won't like it, not the words but the idea... >_>

I would think that Misha is the person Hisao would ask about the sign language. I think Hisao would be VERY reluctant to ask anyone else other than people he thinks he can trust considering his personality. He would rather have one less people knowing that he's going to confess his 'eternal' 'undying' love.

Also, he and Shizune are already that close, I assume that he would have at least wanted Misha's blessing in a way, and it's common knowledge that Misha knows sign language. She's a loud mouth and all (Which kinda contradicts my above point BUT Misha isn't the kind to blabber about people's secret, I think I see that in Act 1) but, if I am Hisao, I think I would consult Misha on this.
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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by Member22 » Sat May 29, 2010 11:00 am

Damn, this fic was written almost a year and a week ago :shock: . But anyways, I feel that if I was in Hisao's place, I would get some kind of sign language video/book/dictionary rather than consult Misha because idk, I just don't trust ppl with personal issues like these... I'd rather get this kind of stuff nailed down 100% rather than give a chance for accidents like this to take place.
"If Hisao took one thing away from his time at Yamaku it was the fact that people who have handicaps don't actually have handicaps. People like Lilly and Shizune are more able-bodied and well-adjusted than most of the kids at Hisao's old high school. He shook his head slightly. No, students at Yamaku weren't handicapped; everyone else was." - WetCrate

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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by Leotrak » Sat May 29, 2010 11:25 am

Member22 wrote:Damn, this fic was written almost a year and a week ago :shock: .

... Crap >_< Apologies on the necromantics I incited here :(
Never checked the date of the first post when I replied -_-
"ice-cream-flavoured ice-cream" -Rin
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Numbered Days, my first piece of fanfic
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Re: Miscommunication (BAD END)

Post by Member22 » Sat May 29, 2010 2:29 pm

Leotrak wrote:... Crap >_< Apologies on the necromantics I incited here :(
Never checked the date of the first post when I replied -_-
No problem, I referred to this in one of my posts in EL's threads. I remember stumbling over this when I was scouring the older threads as I was extremely bored... you should do that too, there are some very interesting fics here. Some of which are even scraps from very early development
"If Hisao took one thing away from his time at Yamaku it was the fact that people who have handicaps don't actually have handicaps. People like Lilly and Shizune are more able-bodied and well-adjusted than most of the kids at Hisao's old high school. He shook his head slightly. No, students at Yamaku weren't handicapped; everyone else was." - WetCrate

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