Please proofread, tear my work to shreds.

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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BaselarDavid
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun May 10, 2009 9:32 am

Please proofread, tear my work to shreds.

Post by BaselarDavid » Mon May 11, 2009 4:24 pm

#1
I’d love to say our hands our intertwined but that would be inappropriate. She doesn’t have hands.

I bet she’d smile at the thought.

I’d love to say her fingers are caressing my perspiring face. She doesn’t have fingers.

I bet she’d smirk at the wish.

I’d love to notice that fact that she lacks the appendages that make someone normal. She’s doesn’t need normality.

I bet she’d make her wry little mouth into a perfect Δ.

I’d love to say I knew where my heart ended and hers began. She doesn’t have a clue.

I bet she’d stop and give me the face.

I’d love to say I don’t know what the face means. She knows I do.

#2

“Hisao, are you okay?”
I say yes. My heart says no.

“It’s fine, I’m only a little tired”
I’m not lying. I don’t lie to her.

“You should take a break”
I should take a break. But I won’t.

“Right after I make sure you finish”

#3

This is embarrassing. Well here’s the problem, I don’t know if it’s meant to be embarrassing.

I stand beneath a ladder, holding it steady, occasionally passing a brush or fresh palette to her. For the first time this year Rin is wearing a skirt. Rin is painting. Rin is painting in a skirt. I feel like a terrible person, but I’m conflicted. Does she want me to be this, for lack of a better word, excited? Or am I just an idiot senior with nothing but perverse thoughts crowding my head? Is it both?

I know Rin does most things for a reason. Her actions usually make sense, in the purely logical arena at least. She turns away when she feels words are unneeded. She says only what she really thinks needs to be said. She never pushes you away, only shows you that you cannot grow close. Does she really want me looking up at, well, her panties?

It’s not as though it’s a tantalizing shimmer of stripes, or a flash of a white canvas every so often, it’s a blatant and utterly erotic full view of black lace. It’s a black lace that lets you see too much, yet just enough to keep you from salivating, and never, ever lets you look away. It’s a black lace that gives you the false hope of seeing, seeing something, anything.

Let me reiterate, this is embarrassing, for two reasons. One, I’m, well, aroused. Yes, I said it, thankfully, or perhaps not so thankfully, in my head. Two, I can’t tell if she would want me to look down and away, or ask her to come down and then ravage her where she stood.

The weirdest thing of all? I think she’s smiling.

Let the ravaging begin.

__________

Me and my friend wrote this stuff after discovering and 100%'ing Katawa Shoujo last Friday. It was our first time reading a VN and we thought well, maybe we should write something.

P.S. I'm happy I only found out how to use the "skip" option AFTER I hit the 98% mark.

No0en
Posts: 17
Joined: Sun May 03, 2009 2:04 pm

Re: Please proofread, tear my work to shreds.

Post by No0en » Mon May 11, 2009 4:58 pm

give moar :D

how does it end?!?!?!?! :cry:

Benjamin
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Apr 30, 2009 12:33 pm

Re: Please proofread, tear my work to shreds.

Post by Benjamin » Tue May 12, 2009 11:41 am

I’d love to say our hands our intertwined but that would be inappropriate. She doesn’t have hands.
You should input the word "That" between "say" and "our". The second "our" should be "are". You should probably use a comma and not a period in this line. Also insert the word "But" after the comma.
I bet she’d smile at the thought.

I’d love to say her fingers are caressing my perspiring face. She doesn’t have fingers.
Once again you should probably use a comma.
I bet she’d smirk at the wish.

I’d love to notice that fact that she lacks the appendages that make someone normal. She’s doesn’t need normality
The first that should be "the" and the word "make" should be "makes". Plus comma, etc.
I bet she’d make her wry little mouth into a perfect Δ.
Take out the triangle, really that's just not needed.
I’d love to say I knew where my heart ended and hers began. She doesn’t have a clue.
Make it "I'd love to say that I knew where my heart..." and once again you should probably use a comma.
I bet she’d stop and give me the face.

I’d love to say I don’t know what the face means. She knows I do.
I don't want to sound like an ass, I'm actually trying to help. Now that we have that out of the way.

The first and third lines are redundant, if she doesn't have arms it will be assumed that she doesn't have hands. The structure of Hisao's thoughts then his imagined reaction from Rin does not actually work here. "She doesn't need normality" is not a meaningful in the least bit and just sounds awkward, honestly my reaction to almost every line of this poem is just "Why?". The usage of a triangle symbol seems especially egregious to me, what kind of face is that supposed to be? This whole poem comes off as rather creepy in my opinion and I'm not sure if you intended this or not but you make it sound like they are currently fucking each other. This is attempting to be romantic but comes off as unnecessarily cheesy you should consider toning it down a few steps, make it considerably more subtle. Condense the actual formatting as you used far too many line skips in my opinion.
I'm NoIdea on IRC if anyone is looking for me.

BaselarDavid
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun May 10, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Please proofread, tear my work to shreds.

Post by BaselarDavid » Tue May 12, 2009 6:35 pm

Thanks Benjamin, I'll tell her so! Though admittedly she doesn't like criticism as much as I do, and anything else on the other works?

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tyren
Posts: 48
Joined: Sat May 09, 2009 3:49 am

Re: Please proofread, tear my work to shreds.

Post by tyren » Tue May 12, 2009 11:42 pm

Benjamin wrote:
I’d love to say our hands our intertwined but that would be inappropriate. She doesn’t have hands.
You should input the word "That" between "say" and "our". The second "our" should be "are". You should probably use a comma and not a period in this line. Also insert the word "But" after the comma.
I bet she’d smile at the thought.

I’d love to say her fingers are caressing my perspiring face. She doesn’t have fingers.
Once again you should probably use a comma.
I bet she’d smirk at the wish.

I’d love to notice that fact that she lacks the appendages that make someone normal. She’s doesn’t need normality
The first that should be "the" and the word "make" should be "makes". Plus comma, etc.
I bet she’d make her wry little mouth into a perfect Δ.
Take out the triangle, really that's just not needed.
I’d love to say I knew where my heart ended and hers began. She doesn’t have a clue.
Make it "I'd love to say that I knew where my heart..." and once again you should probably use a comma.
I bet she’d stop and give me the face.

I’d love to say I don’t know what the face means. She knows I do.
I disagree that commas would be more appropriate in the spots you say they would. IF you're going to argue that having the sentences as one instead of two would be better, I'd say there should be a comma splitting the first sentence, and then the period should be changed to a hyphen, for example:
I’d love to say our hands our intertwined, but that would be inappropriate - she doesn’t have hands.
@OP: I liked the poem, but to be honest I found it funny more than anything. Not that I'm complaining, I love my sense of humor, but I'm not sure that was the intended effect. :P

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Lion-san
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Joined: Sun May 10, 2009 12:45 pm

Re: Please proofread, tear my work to shreds.

Post by Lion-san » Wed May 13, 2009 12:45 am

I will start with #3, stop.

Imagine for a moment, stop.

That at every comma, stop.

And period, stop.

When reading, stop.

You need to stop, stop.

So say, reading, like this. Constant short sentences. and commas, where there really don't need to be, commas.

Makes for an uncomfortable and jarring reading experience. So for a start I would focus on a more smart use of punctuation that only makes the reader, stop, when you really want them to. Instead of, you know, all the time, its uncomfortable.

Poetry that doesn't rhyme relies on both the imagery of the words AND how they're aligned to read in a sentence. So use both carefully and don't consider them a separate issue. Writing is not "splurge on paper or a text pad until the idea is complete, then use spell-check to fix things- and then run quick to post on the internet to get feedback." it is an art unto itself, where all factors need to be considered from the very beginning to bring out the best of any original concept you have in your head.

The writing in any VN sort of strikes me as a wordy poem. It requires that level of imagery to engage a reader in a mostly text based adventure and not have them become bored with it halfway through if there isn't an H-scene every five minutes.

Keeping all this in mind is what seperates text from feeling like a highschoolers first attempt at a serious project, from somebody that writes like they're published professionals.

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Validus Razgriz
Posts: 345
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Location: United States

Re: Please proofread, tear my work to shreds.

Post by Validus Razgriz » Wed May 13, 2009 1:01 am

I’d love to say our hands our intertwined, but that would be inappropriate - she doesn’t have hands.
Actually, that hyphen should be a semi-colon, I believe.

I was always taught a simple rule about commas; if in doubt, leave it out! It's a really bad rule to use, though.

Like Lion-san said, use commas where someone speaking the text might actually stop speaking to take a breath, pause for a split second, etc. That's probably the best rule-of-thumb that I can think of.
"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists... in the loved one, perfection."

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tyren
Posts: 48
Joined: Sat May 09, 2009 3:49 am

Re: Please proofread, tear my work to shreds.

Post by tyren » Wed May 13, 2009 2:55 am

Validus Razgriz wrote:
I’d love to say our hands our intertwined, but that would be inappropriate - she doesn’t have hands.
Actually, that hyphen should be a semi-colon, I believe.
I think either way would technically be correct, but a hyphen looks better to me. :P

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