God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Pseudo-Route

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CirnouliK
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God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Pseudo-Route

Post by CirnouliK » Fri Feb 12, 2021 3:02 pm

Hello, world! Ya'll probably don't know me, unless you know me from either A) four or five years ago, or B) from Yamaku Academy, so I'll introduce myself in this (probably going to be heavily-revised and edited) post.

My name is CirnouliK. I also go by a couple other names, but CirnouliK is one that's stuck with me for a couple years. I'm something of a reader, when the mood strikes me, and also a very avid procrastinator/video game player, but I'm also a writer. For some time, I've been enjoying the stories on this forum, mainly anything involving Shizune or Misha, because I enjoy them both the most. If I were to order them, it'd be Shizune=Misha>Emi>Hanako>Lilly>Rin. I first read Katawa Shoujo in 2016, probably when the game first started to sort-of go down in popularity, if not back up again. It enthralled me when I was staying in another state for what amounts to a trade school. I enjoyed every second of content I got from it, playing through Shizune, Emi and Hanako's routes basically in one go.

But then, I stopped for a while. Life got in the way of me doing anything fun, or other things caught my attention, and I grew distant from it. But now, in 2020, with the threat of the Crown over our heads, and with the help of a certain Discord server of people I now proudly state are my friends, my love for the game has been renewed. I've fully finished where I had left off, up to and including taking my old save file from another computer and putting it into my new one, and getting all the endings.

So that brings me to this. Somehow, like a bright flash in a pan, an idea sparked in me one sleepless night. A story, a silly one, one that could actually work dependent on the circumstances of my own two fingers basically advanced touch-typing my way to success. A story of a girl whom, due to unfortunate genetics, has breast hypertrophy*, and has to transfer into Yamaku herself to live a new life, two years before Hisao. And so, unlike any other time I usually get one-off ideas, I wrote.

And I wrote. And I wrote. I wrote until she had a full concept and body image in text form. I wrote until I could find a way for the story to go. And I wrote the prologue of the story that I had come up with. And so, here it is, and how it started: God's Gift to Yamaku. The title is a bit of a joke, but I ultimately think it's fitting. In a couple of ways, at that. And do tell me what you all think of my writing as I go; places I can improve, and all that.

Anyways, here's wonderw

God's Gift to Yamaku

Prologue: You are here.

Act 1, Scene 1: Welcome to Yamaku
Act 1, Scene 2: Enter Stage Right?
Act 1, Scene 3: TBA
Act 1, Scene 4: TBA

*****

A cold sweat runs beads down the side of my head. Fidgeting, tossing and turning some, I find my sleep troubled, as it usually is when I forget to ask for some water before I close my eyes and try to forget where I am. A sharper turn than usual clangs my wrist against the metal railing of the hospital bed-

"Damn it, go away!-"

And my eyes wake up to darkness. Well, about as dark as a hospital ward could be. Shot up into a quick situp from the sting of my arm hitting metal and the horrific dream I beheld, I find myself groaning and slumping onto my side instead of back into the sterile comfort of my bed. My hands find my face, rubbing the flecks of sleep from the corners of my eyes as I cast my gaze around the dimly-lit room from my side.

These muted colors will haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm never going to get used to them; when was I given the chance to? It's not like I've had many major injuries before...

Before...

"You see... I wanted to know... If you'd go out with me..."

... My gut wrenches in the pit of despair that's been my abdomen for the past four months. That day... That day, which was supposed to be the happiest day of my life (as far as I could tell, anyway)... That day that turned into what will soon be the rest of my life, but not in the way I wanted, nor dared to dream of. That day which has been pried away from me like a sick joke.

All because I, quite literally, had a heart attack on the spot.

Another pale, metal clang rings out through the ward, as my fist hits the railing intentionally this time. I bear the pain; it's something I can feel, something that keeps me grounded enough to think. And what happens afterward? All my friends, both my parents, and even some random classmates from school show up, worry stricken on their faces from the news everyone was no doubt told after the ambulance pulled up in front of the school.

Cards. Flowers. Candy. For a while, it kept my spirits raised. Seeing everyone there for me. But there was an... Edge to it all. It felt like obligation, more than worry for my well-being. And that thought process finally came to the forefront when their comments started pouring out after the first week.

'You'll get over it,' they said. 'I'm sure you'll bounce right back,' I recall. "It's all in your head," I mimic my own mother out loud in a hushed hiss. They think that something as major as a heart attack is something you can come back from.

But it wasn't just a heart attack, was it? What did the doctors call it...? Arrym... Artyom... Armormyth...

"Arrhythmia." I mutter the words under my breath as my right hand, no longer in pain, moves up to the scar on my chest. That was what they called it. That's what they labeled me as, from thereon out, for my foreseeable hospital stay.

After they couldn't convince me that my brush with death was something I could just bounce back from, they just... Stopped coming. The students, my friends, my parents only ever come when they aren't busy now... And Iwanako... She stayed the longest.

I wish she didn't. Just seeing her was now even further a reminder of what was done to me. Of what, from what the doctors told me, 'should have happened much longer ago than it did now.' I'm not sure if I ever want to see her face again. I used to crush on her. I almost had a chance. But now she feels like the faulty pacemaker that shocked my heart into cardiac arrest.

My tired eyes scan the wall until they come across a clock, which just had to be behind me, meaning I had to sit back up to properly read it. 4:30 a.m. I sigh. Well, no sense in ruminating over my losses this early in the morning. With my heavy shoulders weighing me back down, I slump into bed, slipping under the covers and hoping my lack of water doesn't wake me up again.

*****

"...sao..."

I ruefully turn away from the noise that's trying to wake me up.

"Hi... ...ke up..."

Whatever it is can wait another fifteen minutes, right? I slept awful last night.

"Hisao, ...se. The doc... ...to you."

Of course it can't.

Begrudgingly, I open my eyes, rubbing even more sleep that had accrued in my short REM sleep out of my eyes, shifting to sit up as the voice that now identifies itself as my mother's works up to another octave when I finally look awake enough to respond.

"Good morning, Hicchan~." "Morning, son."

My parents sit to my left, smiling towards me like they have good, albeit pained, news to tell me, while a doctor sits up towards the foot of my hospital bed, her glasses soon being adjusted by the side of their frame as she looks my way expectantly. She seems to be in her mid-20s, with a very slim figure that fits surprisingly well into her doctor's coat and medical slacks, tired-ish green eyes viewing me behind her specs, and messy, long black hair rolling down both sides of her shoulders and down her back in a semi-messily done ponytail. It almost looks intentional.

"Welcome back to the land of the living, Mr. Nakai. We're sorry to have disturbed your (admittedly adorable) beauty sleep, but we've excellent news to share."

'Did you find a cure for my broken heart?' I muse to myself, before I nod for her to continue. If only it were so easy.

"We've been given the clear to let you go, you'll be well and on your way out of here within the hour. We've finalized your prescriptions and dosage list, at least until newer, better meds come along, and..."

She stops for a moment, before awkwardly looking over to my parents. I give both her and them an inquisitive look. "Would you like to do the 'honors', Mr. and Mrs. Nakai...?"

Honors? Honors of what? For a doctor, she's surprisingly informal about much of this.

"You have the floor," my mother says, then soon, my father stands up. His face says a lot, but I'm still too tired to catch it all.

"Hisao... We... Can't let you go back to your old school. We don't want what happened back then to happen again, not without anyone to help. So..."

... Wait, what. I can't go back to my old school? But what about my education, then? What about my... Will my parents have to homeschool me now? That's virtually impossible unless one of them quit their job. They wouldn't go that far... Would they? I mean, it would mean I'd get to see them more, and yet-

"... With the doctor's help, as well as contacting them prior, we've arranged you a transfer."

Transfer? What's that going to do?

"He's correct, Mr. Nakai. Err, not you, Mr. Nakai, the other- Y-you get what I mean." This earns a chuckle from my father. I almost manage one too. It comes out as a snort of air instead. The doctor regains her composure. "Anyway... The school in question is Yamaku Academy, set up north a bit more than you're used to by now. It's world-renown for its 24-hour medical staff and workable teaching curriculum. It's almost something I would've wished for back in high school..."

... Oh. So that's why. A sour feeling forms in my gut as she prattles off more about the school, my ears tuning her out. They're doing this to keep an eye on me; on my heart. I should've figured. If this were something like a broken leg or arm, I'd soon as well be put in a cast and sent back, like none of this had happened. But no. It's not that simple.

It's never that simple-

"Hicchan?" My mother gently grabs my shoulder, causing me to twitch involuntarily in shock. "The doctor asked you a question."

"Sorry, Mr. Nakai. I was asking if that sounded agreeable to you. I know this must be a big change, but until those meds of yours are confirmed to have no adverse side-effects, let alone if we can trust what happened in January won't happen again anytime soon, it's what we're going to have to do. Sorry..."

She actually looks vaguely sympathetic. She's a horrible doctor; doctors are supposed to have that 'five feet away at all times' approach to their patients, but she seems rather emotionally invested in me for some reason. Can't imagine why, unless my just-out-of-bed hair and tired eyes are doing it for her. "Do I have much of a choice?" I ask.

"Nnnot really. If I could do otherwise, I would. I'm sure you understand why not, though."

Of course not. I sigh. "Then I guess it's what we'll have to do."

She smiles. It's actually mildly pleasant. I can't imagine her not having a group of friends to hang out with after work. "Excellent. I'll go get the paperwork in order, and your parents will show you out the door to your home to get your stuff packed, unless they have already."

I nod wordlessly, and as I steadily climb up off the hospital bed and my parents usher me out, she calls for me one last time, making me pause to turn around.

"... Best of luck, Hisao."

A small confidence swelling in me at her words, despite it all, I give her a nod. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.
Last edited by CirnouliK on Mon Feb 22, 2021 4:30 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Shizune=Misha>Emi>Hanako>Lilly>Rin
Just another internet drifter that likes cute girls with short blue hair, and glasses, that are deaf-mute.

Currently Writing:
God's Gift to Yamaku (An OC-centric Psuedo Route)

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PsychicSpy
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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Psuedo-Route

Post by PsychicSpy » Fri Feb 12, 2021 3:28 pm

Welcome to the forums! Always nice to see new blood here. We've interacted a few times on the discord, but still, official welcome to the forums.

I typically don't like rewrites of the prologue, but I think that it could be ok here. I have to see how the new Hisao you've presented interacts with your character. Your Hisao seems a bit more optimistic than the VN's Hisao. Whether or not that fits might be determined by the rest of the story. If his increased optimism leads to him meeting your OC, then I can definitely see why you did it!

Minor criticism: Hisao's doctor is a man in the VN. Just a nitpick, but you don't need to necessarily change it.

Looking forward to the next installation!

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CirnouliK
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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Psuedo-Route

Post by CirnouliK » Fri Feb 12, 2021 3:33 pm

PsychicSpy wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 3:28 pm
Welcome to the forums! Always nice to see new blood here. We've interacted a few times on the discord, but still, official welcome to the forums.

I typically don't like rewrites of the prologue, but I think that it could be ok here. I have to see how the new Hisao you've presented interacts with your character. Your Hisao seems a bit more optimistic than the VN's Hisao. Whether or not that fits might be determined by the rest of the story. If his increased optimism leads to him meeting your OC, then I can definitely see why you did it!

Minor criticism: Hisao's doctor is a man in the VN. Just a nitpick, but you don't need to necessarily change it.

Looking forward to the next installation!
Appreciated, all of it! Your name escapes me on here specifically, but I don't doubt we've spoken before on Discord. Either way, thank you. ^^

I'm hoping to write him in a more optimistic light here; yes, he has this problem, but is he really going to let it control himself, especially when he's seen how his friends no longer want anything to do with him when he acted the way he did? I'd hope not!

And yeah, I know his doctor's a guy. I'm giving her some characterization; partially because of a funny little idea I had, even if said character'd probably be younger at this time, instead of older. Hint: it's not her fault she had no friends.

Thank you! I'm going to be writing it sometime today, with any luck. Hope to see ya then.
Shizune=Misha>Emi>Hanako>Lilly>Rin
Just another internet drifter that likes cute girls with short blue hair, and glasses, that are deaf-mute.

Currently Writing:
God's Gift to Yamaku (An OC-centric Psuedo Route)

User avatar
CirnouliK
Posts: 17
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2021 2:07 pm

Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Psuedo-Route

Post by CirnouliK » Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm

After much careful consideration and writing, here's Hisao's first real day at Yamaku. Thank you everyone who's reading this so far, and I hope everyone enjoys his first day!

Act 1, Scene 1 - Welcome to Yamaku

A day later and a car ride's distance away, and we arrive at the front gate. My parents gently nudge me out the door to the car so they can park and unpack my stuff in the parking lot a bit further down, towards what I can only assume would be the dormitories. Obliging, I step out only to be greeted by a black wrought-iron double-door gate, surrounded on either side by brick and mortar and plaster, the entire vibe giving me the idea of a mansion more than a school.

If gates could be intimidating, this one would be doing a great job. Something about just standing here, looking up towards what amounts to my future for the next couple semesters looming down over the top of me. It almost makes me feel small; the gate itself is tall enough one could drive a van through it, and yet it's surprisingly easy to give way with an almost-eerie creak as I find myself pushing it forward. My body was working faster than my mind, but something within me didn't quite seem to mind.

Past the gate is quite the sight itself. Freshly-cut grass flanking the concrete pathways either which direction I look, ramps in place of most stairs as they branch and guide the way to a tall building- No, two. Two tall buildings. One looked so similar to the other it almost looked like it was a part of the main building. Glad I got that distinction out of the way now, then. Words like "clean" and "hygienic" pop into my head, but I brush the thoughts off.

A piece of paper in my right hand notes that I should head straight from the gate to the main lobby, where someone should be waiting for me. Seeing as noone else is outside except for me, with a bit of a spring in my step, I move forward, not wanting to keep them waiting with my moping and musings. Gotta keep moving.

***

Going through the currently-open front doors, I find myself in a general lobby area of sorts. Tall, white columns are on either side of me, metal railing along the low walls and shoe-cleaning carpets on the concrete floor below me that rises up towards some kind of big door at the end of the hall. A tall-looking teacher with posture problems notices me as I enter. We're the only people in the lobby, so it's only logical. Soon enough, he approaches me, and I give as best a smile as I can.

"Ah, hello. You must be... Ni... Na-"

"Nakai," I correct. This surprisingly wouldn't be the first time someone's messed up my name.

"So you are. Excellent. I'm your homeroom and science teacher. My name's Mutou. Welcome."

His right hand reaches out, and I meet it with my own. His grip and shake is neither firm nor sloppy, and before too long afterward he looks at his watch. "The head nurse asked you for a brief check-in visit, but there's not much time for that right now."

A check-in? Probably just to make sure I got here alright, maybe give me the rigmarole about my heart and the meds I'm no doubt soon going to have to swallow in order to keep myself regular. A shudder and a frown escapes me, and I can tell Mutou must have seen it, because his face looks a bit worried. Nonetheless, before he could speak of going now, I start first. "I'll go later, don't worry. Sorry, was just thinking of something."

He seems convinced enough. "Ah, that's fine, then. But yes, you should head over later. Afternoon'd be a good time, so we should probably get going so you aren't late for your first day of class. They're waiting already."

Huh. I hadn't thought I'd been holding up class all this time. Another frown tries forming over my lips, but I shake it off. Maybe this'll be a good opportunity to introduce myself... Seeing as this class will be with me until I graduate. I hope.

"Do you want to introduce yourself to the class?"

[ Yeah, of course. ☑ ]
[ Why? ☐ ]

"I was just thinking about that. Of course."

A smile spreads over his lips. "And here I thought you'd want to keep to yourself, like the last new student I got. Great. Let's go, then."

We both end up going towards a flight of stairs, any hopes for the elevator quickly being dashed as we trudge up them to what I can only assume will be my classroom. My heart pounds away within me, being a constant reminder of why I'm here. It depresses me to think that the same muscle that's given me such relaxation in the past to listen to idly now feels like a haunting call of what had happened in January, and how it could happen again if I'm not careful. 'No,' I think to myself. 'I won't let this stop me.' Gotta keep my chin up. What happened in the hospital won't happen again. I won't let it.

The third door down the third floor corridor is marked as the classroom for class 3-3. ... Damn, that's a lot of 3s. So this is what it's like to feel like a freshman but be a senior. Going into a whole new class on a whole new school level, it feels. Nonetheless, I shake the idea out of my head, and as Mutou opens the door, I enter in soon after he does. "Good morning everyone, sorry I'm late again."

As I follow him in, I manage to get a good look at my new classmates, their own gazes soon meeting mine. I almost want to look away, but curiosity begets curiosity. The classroom itself is pretty spacious; the ceiling is unusually high and there's lots of space left over around and inbetween the desks. An entire wall taken up by blackboards and the high, old fashioned windows only make it seem larger. It's almost cozy, in a way, especially in the early-morning light pouring through said windows.

The students' desks are just standard wooden desks with a shelf underneath for books (and whatever else one can try and squeeze inside them) and wooden chairs with metal frames. Simple, efficient, cost-effective. I know how schools work. I stop walking in front of the classroom before long and fully face the other students. At first glance, they all look relatively normal, like students from any other school. But then, why would they be here?

They're probably like me, and have something wrong or 'off' about them that's just not immediately obvious. Then, I notice a girl with one of her hands missing. It briefly sends a shiver up my spine. Despite the natural tendency to listen when someone's talking to you, I end up tuning out Mutou's voice halfway through while he tells the class why I transferred here.

I notice a flash of dark blue hair and see that a rather pretty girl's looking right at me. Before I awkwardly manage a wave, she then looks to the girl with pink, chest-length drills as she moves her hands towards the girl with the dark blue hair. The dark-haired girl isn't speaking, so I assume she's deaf. Another few that take my interest are a girl with a knee brace, half-sleepily looking up at me from her position of her head on her desk, and a girl with no legs on the right-most side of the classroom, her slightly-messy dark brown hair and also-dark skin catching me off guard. She's remarkably pretty, too.

But as I look towards the back, I can see not only a girl who also looks like a transfer student with brown bangs and an orange-brown hair band over her head, but also...

An empty seat. Some part of me feels like that's where someone would be sitting right now, but currently it is a blank canvas of sorts. Back-corner of the class... What a spot. My younger, less-friendly self might've appreciated such a spot. Back when the Gameboy was a new console...

"... please welcome our newest classmate."

He claps his hands, startling me a little, and so does everyone else, except the girl in the first row with only one hand. I cringe a little, but do my best to hide it by bowing in thanks for this unwarranted applause. It's almost like they're applauding me for having a heart attack. A collective silence tells me it's time to introduce myself. I clear my throat, just now noticing I should've asked where the drinking fountains were.

"Hello, everyone. My name is Hisao Nakai. I'm a third-year, whose hobbies include reading and..." Soccer? I mean, I used to, but I certainly can't now. Think, Hisao, think- "-Video games. I-I hope to get along well with you all, even if I'm a new student." Smooth, Hisao. Real smooth. The teacher notices my lack of confidence in my introduction and speaks up.

He begins to drone on about getting along with their newest classmate while I continue my gaze across the classroom. It still feels odd not seeing anyone at that spot in the back... Eventually though, I'm interrupted from my stupor when everyone starts to clap again, even the girl with the stump for a hand. Huh. So that's the sound of one hand clapping- Why do I feel like I've said that before?

"We're going to be doing some group work today, so that'll give you a chance to talk with everyone. That sound good to you?"

"Yeah, it's fine with me."

"That's good, you can work with Hakamichi. She is the class representative. She can explain anything you might want to know. And who else would be able to do it but her, right?"

How could I know? As I seat myself next to who I can only assume is Hakamichi, the seat closest to the window, Mutou starts passing out the day's assignments and announces that we will be working in groups of three. Luckily, I'm already at my seat by the time he briefly considers I don't know who 'Hakamichi' is. The bubblegum-pink head of hair soon turns my way, and her golden eyes gaze at me with a positive expression. "Hey, I'm guessing you're Hakamichi, right? It's nice to meet you."

"Hahaha~!"

Momentarily put off balance by her raucous laughter, I baulk in her direction.

"It's nice to meet you, too! But~!, I'm not Hakamichi, I'm Misha!" Well how was I supposed to know that- "This is Hakamichi, Shicchan~!"

Giggling, Misha points to the girl next to her, the one I commented internally on how pretty she looked before. It looks like she has been staring at me this whole time. She nods once nonchalantly to show that she acknowledges my presence... But only barely. She has short, yet carefully, neatly brushed hair, a pair of oval-shaped glasses balanced on the tip of her dainty nose, and beautiful dark blue eyes that seem to to flip every few seconds between analytical and... slightly bored?

I end up speaking up after my momentary assessment. "It's nice to meet you." ... Wait.

As I realize my own faux-paus, Misha starts to sign to an intently-gazing 'Shicchan', who smiles as my words are translated through the pink-haired voice-to-sign communicator. 'Shicchan' nods and makes a few gestures of her own. I start to wonder if the teacher was messing with me, saying things like 'you'll be able to talk to people' and 'who better to explain things to you.' It's a funny joke, but that doesn't mean it's helpful.

What follows is the pink-haired girl, whom I now know as 'Misha', explaining that she's basically Shizune's, not Shicchan's, interpreter. She goes on about how she wasn't expecting a new student so soon, I get a little flustered when Misha calls me 'Hicchan', reminded of my mother, and they collectively suggest they show me around the school sometime. I'd be thankful for that. Afterward, we collectively do the assignment together, it taking up most of the class time.

***

Before too long, the clock tower bells ring, signaling the end of the period. Which is good; I'm both thirsty and starving. Not knowing where to go or what to do, I decide to follow a beckoning Misha down the hallway and a couple flights of stairs.

Misha enthusiastically announces the room with everyone currently crowding around tables, hunched over or sitting back from their food, as the cafeteria. I feel like I could've gathered that much, but I let it slide because she's cute.

We both end up in the progressively-shrinking line to get some grub, my eyes scanning over the options above on a chalkboard to see what I might want. The idea there's so many options here being that it's for students with special diets crosses my mind, but I hardly mind. Surely if I order some fish or something they won't think I'm weird, right? Well, nonetheless, I end up with some fish soup and a tall bowl of rice, following Shizune and co. over to a nearby table.

Still starving, I end up gobbling down my fish-soup-dipped rice and drinking down my water as I feel a sharp jab in my side. It's Misha, pointing towards Shizune once she gets my attention. I nearly jab her back in jest, but hold myself back. But when I look over to Shizune, she just machinely moves her hands my direction. I frown, not understanding her. Maybe looking at the person trying to talk to you is considered the polite option, even if they can't speak?

"Do you want to know something?"

"What?"

"About anything! We're your guides so you should ask if there's something you wanna know~!"

"Mmm..." I mull the question over. But as I'm doing so, something distracting catches my eye. Looking past Shizune, I spy a table in the far corner of the cafeteria. Hoping my gaze isn't noticed, I try to lean forward, a small shovel of rice meeting my lips as I look.

There's someone at the table, looking down towards a portable screen illuminating her face. She almost looks bored, sitting there as the small machine blips and blinks away, her food off to one side of her. It's hard to make out, but she seems to have some hazelnut-brown hair in a cut I vaguely remember hearing the name for once, and she's wearing glasses. Something about her strikes me as... Out of place? She looks normal...

"Hicchan~! Earth to Hicchan! Do you read? Wahaha~!"

I'm dropped out of my stupor as I hear twin-drills next to me get my attention, almost coughing on my rice. "Ahaha, whoops~. Sorry, Hicchan~..."

I gulp the feeling down, then sigh. "It's fine. I think I got everything I need to know, though. Thank you."

Misha makes a comment on how that makes them good guides, and I shrug and go along with it. The rest of lunch passes in relative silence, and as I go to put my tray away, the girl's still in that corner, even further away now, looking as if she wants to be that far out of the way. With a shrug, we three brave souls exit the cafeteria and head back to class.

*****

Afterwards, classes were boring enough that I forgot about most of what we learned, and by the time the bell rung, I was already out the door. I can briefly see Misha turning towards where my desk was to ask me something, but is caught off guard when I'm not there.

That means I don't know where the Nurse's office is, though. Well, no better time to explore school grounds than just after school, when crowds are the biggest. I trod down the stairs at a modest pace, being mindful of my heart as I go.

Luck would have it though that all I'd have to do is hang a right out the main door and follow the path along the right side to find it, though. My sense of direction may be awful, but luck's always on my side. Except when it isn't. Else I wouldn't be here right now.

... I briefly frown, then head inside.

I walk in, hoping that this really will be only a quick visit like the teacher said. On a white door on the left is a green cross with the text "Head Nurse" and a nameplate. I knock twice with a knuckle, and a voice from the inside responds almost immediately, but I can't quite make it out. It sounded like an invitation to come in, though, so I do just that; invite myself in.

The room within can only be described as 'not large', and an odd smell hangs in the air. A surprisingly-friendly face soon meets mine, the man's chair swiveling to face me as I enter. It looks like he's had a few late nights, judging by all the coffee stains on the countertop.

"Hello there, and what can I do for you?"

He's surprisingly young-looking and a bit rugged, but the dimples in his cheeks wash that impression away when he smiles. Part of me wonders if he knows the doctor at the hospital I was at yesterday. They might make a cute couple.

"What's up, doc?"

His eyes open momentarily at my admission, but a wide smile soon spreads over his cheeks. My joke caught his attention, as intended.

"Haven't seen your face around. I'm guessing you're the new kid. You can call me by my name or just 'the nurse' like everyone else." He extends his hand, which I return the gesture of. His handshake is rather firm and friendly.

"I am," I admit. "My homeroom teacher told me to come by and meet you. My name's Hisao Nakai."

What follows is what I'd come to expect from him; he's extremely friendly, which is a nice break from anyone that wasn't the doctor I saw before I left the hospital, so as he gives me the rundown of the school and my condition, jokes about if I used to do boxing of any sort, which reminds me of how noone knows what caused my heart attack that fateful day, before telling me that although I can't do anything drastic like soccer now, I do need to keep my fitness on my mind. Maybe some walking or light running would do the trick. And with that, the check-up was over.

Well, that was a quick visit. Guess I should head to my room, then, seeing as I've little else I can think of doing. Maybe this school has a library, but if I'm lucky, I know exactly what was packed for me before I moved here.

***

A brisk walk's all I need in order to find the dorm rooms. Tall and made of brick and mortar as well, they're easy to spot, and look remarkably cozy. I soon step up the concrete stairs, and head on in. I briefly remember the key I was given when I came here; my parents got it for me in advance, so I had an idea of where to head.

"Room one-one-nine..."

I briefly walk past some other students watching TV in the main lobby. One of them, an eyepatch over their left eye, even gives me a wave. I wave back, but they soon go back to watching TV. Hum. Well, I won't let antisocialism stop me from trying to make a friend or two while I'm here.

A quick climb and I find myself in the hallway of where my room was. Every hallway seems to have four dorm rooms, a toilet and a shower. It's good they're separate; social or not, I'd rather not talk to someone in the shower while on the toilet. That'd just be nasty.

I see light coming from 117's room, and decidedly ignore it.



I have to? Do I really? Ugh...

Begrudgingly, I turn back out from the comfort of my room, and I knock on the door of room 117. "Hello? Is anyone home?" Much to my chagrin, I hear a few movements, then the clicks of way more locks than I thought these doors had. After a moment the door squeaks open.

"Who is it?" A boy with specs way too thick for his face stands in the now-open doorway. He's looking at me very intently from behind his glasses. I gulp any sense of guilt I had for him away as I give a small cough. Another when he leans closer to me, and I can smell his breath. It stinks of garlic.

"Hisao Nakai... I'm moving into the next room. I thought I should introduce my..."

"Oh! Nice to meet you, man." He extends a hand out to greet me with, smiling despite my apparent disinterest. Confused, but not too much, I meet his hand with my own. "Th'name's Kenji."

I nod. "Uh, yeah, hi."

"I'm guessing those were your parents earlier coming in and out of that room? I should've guessed, but you never know. Maybe there was a dead body in it and they were moving it out so you could move in. I'm glad it wasn't, at least."

I baulk. "Uh... Yeah. That they were. And I'd hope not."

He continues on. "Yeah, no worries. No dead body. Hey, I saw you had a Gamecube among all that stuff. Whatchya play?"

I look at him like he's an actor whose gone off the script, but admittedly, this is a pleasant surprise. "Uh... I have a couple games. Pikmin 2, Melee, Mario Party 7... Some Sonic games, 2 Battle-"

"2 Battle? Sick! We oughta play together sometime. I could even bring my memory card over so we could Chao fight."

... I think I'm starting to warm up to this. I nod, then smile. "Y-yeah! Yeah, that sounds pretty fun."

He nods as well, giving me a thumbs-up that nearly hits me in the jaw. "Awesome! Well, keep safe out there, man." And without any further word, he turns, fumbles around for a moment in search of the door handle, then slams the door to his room again, leaving me there, speechless.

That wasn't normal. Eh, least my roommate isn't annoying. I soon turn to my room, read off the note on my desk of what and how many pills to take, before swallowing them down with a glass of water, finding where my parents packed my Gamecube, and heading out to use one of the lobby TVs for a bit before bed. Now I'm certain my time here won't entirely be awful.
Last edited by CirnouliK on Sat Feb 13, 2021 11:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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God's Gift to Yamaku (An OC-centric Psuedo Route)

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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Psuedo-Route

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Feb 13, 2021 12:42 pm

Hello and welcome!
The prologue feels a bit choppy and probably could have done with a bit more proofreading, for example:
I find my sleep troubled, as it usually does when I forget
as it usually *is*
I bare the pain
bear
She looked to be in her mid-20s
*looks* or better *seems*
As soon as before noon hits
That doesn't make sense.
Janurary
The first chapter is already a lot better. Only one mistake:
I spy a table in the far corner of the library.
probably of the *cafeteria*

Psychic Spy already mentioned the danger of repeating too much from the original VN word for word, but for most scenes you added at least a little bit to make it different. Just the nurse scene could have been left out or summarized in my opinion. Just don't try to include every scene from the VN in your story if it's not necessary.
On that note:
I have to? Do I really? Ugh...
No, you don't... was what I was going to say, but you seem to have replaced bizarro Kenji with a... less bizarre version.
Interesting.
Looking forward to future chapters!
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Psuedo-Route

Post by CirnouliK » Sat Feb 13, 2021 4:57 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Sat Feb 13, 2021 12:42 pm
Hello and welcome!
The prologue feels a bit choppy and probably could have done with a bit more proofreading, for example:
[Examples cut for brevity]
The first chapter is already a lot better. Only one mistake:
I spy a table in the far corner of the library.
probably of the *cafeteria*

Psychic Spy already mentioned the danger of repeating too much from the original VN word for word, but for most scenes you added at least a little bit to make it different. Just the nurse scene could have been left out or summarized in my opinion. Just don't try to include every scene from the VN in your story if it's not necessary.
On that note:
I have to? Do I really? Ugh...
No, you don't... was what I was going to say, but you seem to have replaced bizarro Kenji with a... less bizarre version.
Interesting.
Looking forward to future chapters!
I won't sugarcoat it; I often try to proofread my own stuff, but even I make some mistakes. The prologue was especially bad because I kept stopping and starting, fighting my muse initially. But I thank you for your help! These will be fixed ASAP, and I'll try to triple-check my work before posting it next time.
(Edit: Fixed all the mistakes. Thanks again!)

As for Kenji... I'd feel bad if I left him out, so I decided, 'if Hisao can be different, why not Kenji?' And so, I'm expanding upon an old headcanon of him hazing Hisao and instead, having him be just slighty more eccentric than your average hallmate, and also be a nerd that enjoys video games (too).

And I do have a problem with re-writing the VN, but it's partially so I have a guideline while writing so I know when what takes place in the universe's timeline. I do try and make things unique, but this is technically only my second time writing a full-on story. But, I am committed to my craft.

Hope to see ya around next scene. And thank you! o/
Last edited by CirnouliK on Sat Feb 13, 2021 11:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Shizune=Misha>Emi>Hanako>Lilly>Rin
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God's Gift to Yamaku (An OC-centric Psuedo Route)

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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Psuedo-Route

Post by brythain » Sat Feb 13, 2021 7:58 pm

It's 'pseudo', you don't spell it to rhyme with 'cluedo' or something. And more editing required.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Psuedo-Route

Post by CirnouliK » Sat Feb 13, 2021 11:56 pm

brythain wrote:
Sat Feb 13, 2021 7:58 pm
It's 'pseudo', you don't spell it to rhyme with 'cluedo' or something. And more editing required.
... Mmm. I see what you mean. My bad! Even with my own eyes proof-reading stuff small things get past me. Thank you for the input; sorry if I end up editing too many times... Hope you enjoy the story as it goes along! Next chapter'll properly introduce our second main character.
Shizune=Misha>Emi>Hanako>Lilly>Rin
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God's Gift to Yamaku (An OC-centric Psuedo Route)

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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Pseudo-Route

Post by Chatty Wheeler » Tue Feb 16, 2021 9:52 am

Greetings CirnouliK,

It’s always a pleasure to see new faces posting their short stories and pseudo-routes to these forums. I’m quite new here myself, and these forums aren’t as active as they apparently were in their prime, but I’ve still seen my fair share of stories featuring all sorts of characters—whether canon, OC, or semi-OC. One of my favorite things about reading Katawa Shoujo fanfiction is that every author has a different interpretation of the main cast. Some interpretations are similar to others, but the Hisao that you’ve presented to us in this story is unlike any I’ve ever seen. It’s rather remarkable, and I’m interested in seeing where you take his character.

I had a lengthy Discord call with my pal—and fellow writer—BristerXD about your story. It turns out that the two of us had wildly different opinions on your story. We both finished the first two chapters with completely different takeaways. In order to convey our discussion in textual form, we decided to do something a little different: a joint post.

Here are the rules:

Whenever I, Chatty Wheeler, want to share my opinion, there will be a “C:” in front of the paragraph.

C: Like this!

Whenever BristerXD wants to share his opinion, there will be a “B:” in front of the paragraph.

B: Like that!

Whenever both of us share an opinion, there will be a “B & C:” in front of the paragraph.

B & C: Like this!

With that said, let’s get into our thoughts! We hope you find this format enjoyable and find our comments to be helpful.

——————————

Hisao:

C: Hisao might just be the standout aspect that drew me to this story. Like I mentioned in my opening paragraph, your interpretation of Hisao is something that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. I’ve seen Hisao timid, anxious, nerdy, depressed, but in this story, Hisao has become… optimistic. How interesting. This fresh take on the character caught me off guard and I came to appreciate Hisao’s more positive and proactive mindset. I think there’s a lot of potential here for good storytelling. Of course, Hisao’s optimism may be a double-edged sword. If Hisao is made too perfect, and he isn’t struggling very much with his predicament, then the eventual conflict won’t be as strong. With that said, the way you’ve written Hisao fills my head with lots of ideas as to how you can shake up the formula. For example, since this Hisao is more optimistic and forward-thinking, maybe he will take the lead when he eventually meets up with your OC. That could be something different. In most of the canon KS routes (except for Hanako’s route) Hisao seems to simply tag along to whatever the heroine is doing rather than taking initiative himself. Maybe the Hisao from this story could challenge that.

B: I had a more… negative reaction to this new Hisao. In fact, the very opposite one I’m sure you were intending. Hisao to me came off as an overly bitter, edgy boy who felt very difficult to root for to me—in the prologue, at least. In chapter one, I see where you made some lines that fit this more positive Hisao compared to that in the VN, and while I’ll describe later where I think that also falls short, I wasn’t sold on this idea by the prologue. When I started reading, I was greeted to this very dreary, melodramatic Hisao that’s stuck in a cold hospital bemoaning his condition, striking himself just to feel something, and using excessively edgy phrases like “pit of despair” and “sick joke” in the same paragraph of thought. I feel like we’re being rushed through the “darkest hour” of this new Hisao just so you can get to this new positive version and using the most clichéd phrases to illustrate it. This Hisao doesn't have the self-awareness or grounded nature that he needs to feel relatable. In the original VN, we see the inciting incident of the heart attack, establishing the life that Hisao lived before his life changed forever. The next scene cuts four months into the future and we get this very long and slow description of his situation that sinks you into his new world of grey. You are given ample time to feel like him. Hisao is unsure of what his world is. The initial shock has faded and all that remains is a numbness to the world as it seems like it’s slowly slipping away from him as he sits in his bed. In this story, we are hit in the face with all this gravitas and outright misery. Him rambling like he’s Edgar Allen Poe with nothing to contrast it with to make it feel earned for the character. Then as soon as we finally see him interact with a doctor, another character face to face in this new form of the character, Hisao’s abruptly demeanor flips from depressed to wisecracking, saying, “Did you find a cure for my broken heart?” He doesn’t even say it out loud, nor is it presented in a way that feels like he’s being sarcastic. It’s just… a cute little pun. One that feels completely divorced from the previous Hisao who just a few breaks ago was in the midst of a dark and brooding diatribe. That line immediately made me tune out of the character. Say what you will about wet blanket VN Hisao but even he got legitimately angry when he heard about the fact that he had to change schools. When faced with the same dilemma in this story, Hisao doesn’t even seem to really care that he was changing schools. Any resistance that he puts up against changing schools feels token and is quickly brushed aside. The only thing that informs us about this positive change in his behavior is that his doctor feels bad. That’s another can of worms to talk about but here, that’s the only reason we have to believe that this Hisao is more positive. When you’re altering a core component of an established story like a main character, it’s important to establish a new line of reasoning in the setting to inform that change. Using the same inciting incident and alter a character most people forgot existed doesn’t cut the mustard for me. He’s ready to jump into this new school when nothing I’ve read up to that point would inform me as to why. The idea of a positive Hisao is a fresh one, one I want to see. I need more than just “this is gonna be a positive Hisao” for me to buy into the idea. And to do that for me, one would need a larger prologue that gave this version of Hisao more space to breathe with less trite phrasing.

——————————

Doctor:

C: I like what you’ve done with the doctor character. In the Katawa Shoujo visual novel, the doctor is just a flat ‘doctor-type’ character with no traits and dry dialogue. Here, the doctor has a little bit of life injected into her. Her appearance and speech is a little awkward, and I found that charming. Even if this character isn’t seen again after the prologue, that doesn’t mean that she can be humanized during the short time that we meet her. I think this is something authors should do more often: humanizing side characters or even sideline characters when appropriate.

B: I don’t see why this doctor needed to suddenly have a personality. What I believe the doctor in the original game’s function was just to dispel basic but realistic information about Hisao’s condition and lend credence to the idea of the school for both Hisao and the reader in his professional presentation. But, he also doubled as a baseline, a universal meter for what a doctor is and represents that then paints the picture of what kind of character Hisao in the VN is. He was the strip of paper you use to test something’s Ph. In this story, she’s kinda awkward and overly attached which Hisao himself points out as being a terrible trait to have in a doctor. Her ‘(admittedly adorable)’ thought alone is a conduct code violation. I’m left asking what does it serve to do in establishing this new Hisao? That he’s more miserable and cynical with a poor behaving doctor to validate those feelings? If that’s the case, none of which feeds into this idea of this version of Hisao being more positive. At the end of it all, I struggled to believe that this was a real doctor. The fact that I couldn’t get into this further detached me from the story, slight chuckles be damned.

——————————

Tone:

C: I would say the primary purpose of these first two chapters—in addition to setting up this new version of Hisao—was setting up the tone that we can expect to see from this story. When reading, the tone of your writing felt noticeably more cheerful and upbeat than the writing from the visual novel. I appreciated the bits of humor placed in, and other little moments of humanity that can be seen in Hisao’s dialogue and internal monologue. You mentioned in your introduction paragraph that you’re going for a “sillier” story, and I think the brighter tone fits that goal. Tone is something that should be firmly established in the first few chapters of your story—establishing it in the first chapter is even better—and I’d say you’ve done that rather well.

B: At this point, I’ve already made clear my opinion that the prologue wasn’t enough to fully set up the more positivity-filled first chapter version of Hisao, but even in the prologue that isn’t consistent. For example, you have, “That day, which was supposed to be the happiest day of my life (as far as I could tell, anyway)..” Why would you put a line in parenthesis in the middle of your cerebral emotional moment that is nothing but thought? One that seems to be taking the piss out the very mood you’re trying to create like you know how melodramatic you’re being. That and the first chapter for me isn’t presented in a different enough way for me to feel this new positive outlook from Hisao outside of very few lines (see the ‘Lines That Stuck Out To Us’ section below). Not all of which land. But that’s for the next topic.

——————————

Repeated Content From The Visual Novel:

C: It’s no secret that these first two chapters are repeats of what we’ve already seen in the visual novel, but I think you handled the repeat content very well. For one thing, you’ve rewritten almost everything—including new dialogue, new prose, and new insights into the characters. In addition, the pacing through the events of Hisao’s stay at the hospital and his first day is rapid. We’re moving through events very quickly, and since we’ve already seen them before, it means that we spend less time dawdling on the stuff we already know about Yamaku and Class 3-3 and we can spend more time focusing on the new stuff… like the new, more optimistic lens that Hisao sees the world in.

B: As I alluded to before, I don’t think your version of the VN content (at least in terms of prose) is handled in a way that makes me engage with it in a way. There’s not enough of the base experience that is changed from the original and it instead feels like I’m being speedrun through it all so the actual changes to the course material can actually happen. It feels like you’re assuming that the reader has naturally read all of this before, one that is not far fetched in the slightest. Instead of either starting from a point where you can immediately start bring up original material or drastically altering the way the familiar setting is described so that it feels new, you’re just shoveling these metaphorical veggies into our mouth so we can eat our cake when you’re the one deciding when we can have the cake. We know what the desks are like, we know that the grass is well cut, what I don’t know is how this is affecting this new Hisao. When I read this first chapter, I don’t feel the effects of this more positive Hisao. All I feel is that the writing is needlessly shackled to the corpse of the original VN’s structure when you as a writer have the freedom to reasonably change as much as you wanted so that the setting could fit your vision. I want to hear your voice, see your vision for this setting. Instead I felt like I got sparknotes where I should have been getting fishhooks. I don’t know what at this point is supposed to hook from these chapters alone. On their own, without reading the (OC-pseudo route) next to the title, I don’t feel a need to keep reading this story. And this all could be avoided. You’re changing the core character, be bolder in your changes about everything.

B & C: After this point, we think that repeated content should be kept to a minimum. We understand that having some repeated content can help the reader to get a grasp on the new Hisao. By having Hisao react differently to the same situations he reacted to in the visual novel, we are able to learn about him quicker. But by now, the new Hisao and the new tone have been sufficiently established, so it’s time to move on to the new stuff, and it seems like this is where you're headed. In one of your latest posts, you said we’ll be meeting the OC in the next chapter, so it would seem that the repeated content is being phased out after all.

——————————

Editing Quirks:

—————

B & C: In a few instances, we thought that more paragraph breaks could make your writing easier to digest. A paragraph break can be helpful when you want to convey the passage of time. For example, the quote below is very stuffed with information that could be made easier to read with one or two paragraph breaks in there:
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
A check-in? Probably just to make sure I got here alright, maybe give me the rigmarole about my heart and the meds I'm no doubt soon going to have to swallow in order to keep myself regular. A shudder and a frown escapes me, and I can tell Mutou must have seen it, because his face looks a bit worried. Nonetheless, before he could speak of going now, I start first. "I'll go later, don't worry. Sorry, was just thinking of something."
B: Specifically, in between “-regular. A” and “-First. ‘I’ll”. With the first one, separating thought and action is important because it creates a clear timeline of events in the reader's mind. In our heads, thoughts are instant while actions take actual seconds or minutes to happen in a literary context. Same goes for action and speech if the speech is just going to be the end of that character’s side of the interaction. Reading this paragraph through, it feels like it’s all just hitting me at once, as if it was happening in a single frame of animation or film. If you break it up, suddenly the scene plays out with the natural breaks you would expect, it ebbs and flows easily between states of narration. There are other examples like this in the piece but this one was the easiest to point out.

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
[ Yeah, of course. ☑ ]
[ Why? ☐ ]
B: Next up, we have this oddly-placed choice. Now, this being in the chapter doesn’t really do much damage to the reading experience. Chatty didn’t mind it and at that point I was already slogging through it all. However in our conversation a light bulb went off in my head as to why I didn’t like this choice. It wasn’t just the fact that it breaks the format of the piece, but also that it spoke to what I touched on earlier: a reliance on the already existing structure. You have this more positive and sure of himself Hisao. That is the main selling point to this piece besides the OC which we have yet to even get a whiff of at this point. So… why is there a decision here in the first place? Shouldn't this Hisao be already chomping at the bit to introduce himself since he’s not as reserved as the VN version? If you really wanted to sell that idea, there wouldn’t be a choice here since Hisao wouldn’t even have this debate in his head. He would know what he wanted to do. And that would be effective characterization, it would be a plant-your-flag statement about who this new Hisao is like. Yet this choice does nothing but seem awkward and cast down on that idea. Retroactively removing it from this chapter won’t drastically improve or worsen the reading for either me and Chatty but this kind of characterization issue is something to be conscious of in future chapters.

——————————

Lines That Stuck Out To Us:

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 3:02 pm
'You'll get over it,' they said. 'I'm sure you'll bounce right back,' I recall. "It's all in your head," I mimic my own mother out loud in a hushed hiss. They think that something as major as a heart attack is something you can come back from.
B: I am not for a second believing that Hisao’s mother straight up said “It’s all in your own head” to her own son who had a heart attack. If anyone would know how serious it is, it would be the person who had to see her son off into surgery and then be paying for said surgery. It’s so out of place that it practically forced me to think that it was Hisao interpreting whatever his mother and friends said into these lines which makes his character seem even edgier to me.

C: Especially with how cheerful her mother comes across in the prologue, her coldly telling Hisao that “it’s all in [his] head” seems a little… out there. Not sure if I can buy it.

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 3:02 pm
"Arrhythmia." I mutter the words under my breath as my right hand, no longer in pain, moves up to the scar on my chest. That was what they called it. That's what they labeled me as, from thereon out, for my foreseeable hospital stay.
B: By the phrasing of this sentence, it implies that the doctors in this hospital have just been calling Hisao literally just “Arrhythmia” which would just add to established malpractice I mentioned before. It may well be more subtle than that but with the previously heavy-handed statement, this is where my brain naturally goes to.

C: I’m going to have to disagree with Brister on this one; I think he’s taking this sentence far too literally. I highly doubt the doctors actually called him “Arrythmia” to his face, rather, Hisao understands that to the Doctors, he is a boy with arrythmia. On his patient report, his disease is probably listed as “Arrhythmia,” which is a form of labelling in itself, but not something direct—it’s something more subtle.

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 3:02 pm
I used to crush on her. I almost had a chance. But now she feels like the faulty pacemaker that shocked my heart into cardiac arrest.
B: This feels like a stretch. Like… I have no idea what this image is trying to accomplish. Because in the literal sense this is just painting the picture that Iwanako caused Hisao’s heart attack which… yeah no she did actually do that. But if it's supposed to symbolize how she’s a reminder of the pain he felt, would the giant scar on his chest be the image to do it? Even then, that’d be hard to tie back to her. It just feels like in this moment some actual humanity from this version of Hisao could have been made apparent. If he’s supposed to be more positive, surely his approach with Iwanako would be a great way to show that off. Instead it makes me think this Hisao has no self-awareness.

C: I sort of see what Brister is saying here, but I don’t really feel the same way that he does. These three lines feel creative and well constructed. Two shorter lines to set up a longer payoff line flows well and has a very natural pacing to it. I like it.

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
The third door down the third floor corridor is marked as the classroom for class 3-3. ... Damn, that's a lot of 3s.
C: This is a cute line that makes Hisao’s internal monologue seem more human seem less dry. Lines like these give Hisao a sense of voice. I like it.

B: The “3-3. … Damn” structure with the period, ellipses, and space after “damn” created too much space for me and ruined the flow of the joke. It was like… too long of a pause to capture the moment. It needed to be punchier.

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 3:02 pm
"Welcome back to the land of the living, Mr. Nakai. We're sorry to have disturbed your (admittedly adorable) beauty sleep, but we've excellent news to share."
C: Using parentheses in dialogue is highly unusual, and somewhat awkward when read. In the future, I would recommend using em-dashes instead. Using them will achieve the same purpose.

B: As said before, the phrase in parentheses is certainly against code if said out loud. And if it’s meant to be her thoughts... when did Hisao become a mindreader?

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
I almost want to look away, but curiosity begets curiosity.
B & C: Good vocab use, but ‘curiosity begets curiosity’ is not a phrase that people use daily. Or at all really. It doesn’t seem like it would come out of Hisao’s mouth.

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
If gates could be intimidating, this one would be doing a great job.
B & C: If you read this sentence out loud, it doesn’t make sense. By saying if a gate could be intimidating, you’re implying that gates are incapable of being intimidating in the first place, which isn’t true. You may have noticed that we have brought this issue up a few times before this—that being sentences not always making logical sense in a vacuum. A little more time spent proofreading might help in this regard.

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
"Uh... I have a couple games. Pikmin 2, Melee, Mario Party 7... Some Sonic games, 2 Battle-"
C: AYYYY, MY GUY! I love Sonic Adventure 2. I was happy to see it getting a mention. I was never much into raising Chao, but I know that some folks pour hours and hours into that part of the game.

B: This piece implies that Hisao would be much happier and therefore wouldn’t need the girls as much if he was an epic gamer. (This is a joke, by the way)

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
I notice a flash of dark blue hair and see that a rather pretty girl's looking right at me. Before I awkwardly manage a wave, she then looks to the girl with pink, chest-length drills as she moves her hands towards the girl with the dark blue hair. The dark-haired girl isn't speaking, so I assume she's deaf. Another few that take my interest are a girl with a knee brace, half-sleepily looking up at me from her position of her head on her desk, and a girl with no legs on the right-most side of the classroom, her slightly-messy dark brown hair and also-dark skin catching me off guard. She's remarkably pretty, too.
B: This whole paragraph doesn’t feel natural. Like, how is he scanning the room? He just happens to notice Shizune and Misha and two other girls which have been adopted by the community. Like… this just stuck out at me. It didn’t feel like Hisao was just naturally scanning the room and slowly picking apart the old student details that really illustrated how this school setting would be different from what the reader would expect. Instead, here it felt like you were just highlighting the girls you liked, not bothering to really establish how this is all new to Hisao. Again, it feels like the reader is being rushed through the emotions, revelations, and realizations from the original VN. This approach makes it difficult for this story to stand out on its own. It doesn’t give me a reason to keep reading this far into the first chapter.

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CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
An empty seat. Some part of me feels like that's where someone would be sitting right now, but currently it is a blank canvas of sorts. Back-corner of the class... What a spot. My younger, less-friendly self might've appreciated such a spot. Back when the Gameboy was a new console...
B: To piggy-back off of my last point, this feels rushed, and it doesn’t naturally set up this actual change from the original story. By itself, I still don’t think it works for me because it insists on itself so much. It’s clear to me reading this that you’re trying to make it seem like “oh just some normal observation, look at Hisao letting my mind wander.” I didn’t buy it. It felt too in focus. The reader knows that someone should be there and instead of letting that subtle detail just play in the reader’s mind, you make it very apparent you’re trying to not make us think about it. It’s having your cake and eating it too. Overall, I got the attempt at subtlety which I respect but in execution it just fell short given what I feel is a lackluster build up.

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CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
"What's up, doc?"
C: On its own, this is a charming line. It makes Hisao seem more friendly and positive. However, in the context of the line that comes before it, it doesn’t make logical sense. Before this line, Nurse asks, “...what can I do for you?” Having Hisao respond to the Nurse’s question with another question is awkward and doesn’t feel natural.

B: Yeah… everything Chatty said I agree with, I just also don’t think Hisao would have any reason to ever say this line. Is Looney Tunes popular in Japan?

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 3:02 pm
"Damn it, go away!-"

And my eyes wake up to darkness. Well, about as dark as a hospital ward could be. Shot up into a quick situp from the sting of my arm hitting metal and the horrific dream I beheld, I find myself groaning and slumping onto my side instead of back into the sterile comfort of my bed. My hands find my face, rubbing the flecks of sleep from the corners of my eyes as I cast my gaze around the dimly-lit room from my side.
C: This bit comes right at the beginning of the story, and it really hooked me in. Why? Because it establishes a mystery from the get-go. Hisao mentions a ‘horrific dream,’ but we have no idea what that means. I couldn’t help but wonder what the nightmare was, and it got me excited to read on. Little mysteries like this are good at keeping the reader engaged. Good job.

—————
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
I feel like I could've gathered that much, but I let it slide because she's cute.
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
I nearly jab her back in jest, but hold myself back.
CirnouliK wrote:
Fri Feb 12, 2021 6:16 pm
I notice a flash of dark blue hair and see that a rather pretty girl's looking right at me. Before I awkwardly manage a wave, she then looks to the girl with pink, chest-length drills...
C: I found all three of these lines to be very charming and really helped sell Hisao as a more positive person. He has a kind of internal playfulness here that I haven’t seen in any other story on these forums. It makes me wonder if his internal playfulness will become external. Maybe once he gets more comfortable in his surroundings, he’ll let his guard down.

——————————

Sentence Structure:

C: There’s a lot to like about the way you write your sentences. Your use of varied vocabulary is noticeably good, and the way you write description feels succinct but still easy to understand. One thing that I notice you do that not many new writers remember to do is to vary your sentence lengths. Sometimes your sentences are longer, but sometimes they are short—adding an extra impact to them. Varying sentence and paragraph length also helps readability, and I think you do that very well. On a sentence-to-sentence basis, I was entertained.

B: I’ve already made the point of how I feel your general prose feels rushed and that your timeline for action could use some work. Along with that, a good chunk of the content in these first two chapters is recycled from the VN, I couldn’t get much of your actual voice as a writer. No lines of your stood out to me for particularly positive reasons. The only thing that stood out was your inclusion of Hisao’s “‘thoughts’, such as him going “I have to? Do I really? Ugh…” which for me felt cheesy. Hisao’s thoughts didn’t always properly set up where the prose was going, making it feel all disjointed. Right now it reads like Hisao begins to ‘think’ whenever the scene feels like it needs something of actual substance.

——————————

Kenji:

C: I like your interpretation of Kenji. His more down-to-Earth nature feels right, and I hope we see more of him. He seems like he could be a good ally to Hisao.

B: Outside of the use of “Th’name” I am honestly intrigued by this rendition of the character. It honestly feels like he’s a different character that will be something radically different to what we know from the original VN. It’ll be compelling to see what you hold over from the source material and what new things you will bring to him. I am slightly worried he’ll just be… a nerd, kinda milk-toast-positive and ‘quirky’ but that’ll be a personal preference thing and something to keep an eye on.

——————————

Final Thoughts:

C: This was an enjoyable story! I respect that you’re trying something different from what we normally see on these forums, and so far it’s working for me. The bright tone and the quick pacing made this story an easy read. I laughed out loud multiple times and there’s a lot of charm tucked in here that I appreciated. Thank you for sharing this story with us! I’m looking forward to seeing where you take this plot, as I think there’s a lot of potential. I look forward to reading the next chapter!

B: I know that I’ve been very harsh to you, CirnouliK. I know that I may seem very disparaging and heartless. However, I want you to know that I come by it honest. Chatty knows, I am this critical with all the pieces I review. I knew was probably going to come on too harsh and heavy-handed if I did this alone, it’s why I called Chatty to talk about this piece in the first place. Because at the end of the day, I wanted to make sure you know that no matter what I say, I want you to keep writing. That’s what I ultimately want. I want to see people write and get better at it. I’ve seen your passion on discord, I know that you care about this story. And I want you to see this thing through till the end. However, I don’t think me holding back my thoughts will help anyone. I just hope that in my harsh words, you find some actionable pieces of advice that you can use to improve your craft. That is my ultimate goal with every one of these posts I do. Not to discourage anyone from continuing just because I don’t like their writing. Because, being as honest as I can, I did not enjoy reading through this piece. But, I feel like I can. There are aspects of this story I am interested in seeing play out. There is good material here. I just didn’t agree with the execution. If you want to just disregard everything I said and just keep writing the way you feel is correct, that's fine, you’ll at least have a fan in Chatty. Just keep writing. I await the next chapter.

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PsychicSpy
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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Pseudo-Route

Post by PsychicSpy » Tue Feb 16, 2021 8:06 pm

I overall enjoyed this chapter. I'll break this into two parts

Things I noted as enjoyable:
1. I felt that the vocabulary used was quite good. Rigmarole? That's one I have seen in a while.
2. I like the fact that Hisao has more character. That's part of the key to writing these fics: in a VN format, the main character functions as a pseudo-self insert at times, and I think that giving him slightly more depth is important to setting your fic apart from others. Sure, an OC will do that, but a story is, in part, a sum of its characters' traits and actions. Looks like you are going with a more confident Hisao, and I enjoy that change of pace.
3. Contrary to the opinions of others here, I think your paragraph spacing is fine. There is not a readability problem in your fic.
4. Contrary to the opinions of others here, I don't see the problem with Hisao using certain phrases. Hisao is the most malleable character in the VN who we actually interact with. Had the game said "Oh, he's never done x, y, and z", then I would agree.

Things I feel like you need to look over and think about:
1. It is advisable to not begin sentences with prepositions. Toss it up and use some commas and semicolons, or choose other words.
2. The addition of the choice in the middle isn't really necessary. Choices tend to imply that the readers might have a choice. If there is no intention of revealing what will happen on the hand, then there really isn't any need for it.
3. Similar to the opinions offered above, and while I hadn't noticed this in my first reading, the characterization in his mother as telling him "it's all in your head" is a bit different.
4. I would avoid any parenthesis in quotes as well. Perhaps if you want to make it differently emphasized, italics might be better.
5. I don't necessarily agree with the direction of Kenji, but that's just an opinion. I don't see a general problem with it, and this point is mainly a thought on my part rather than something you need to fix.

In conclusion, I have enjoyed this so far. I have seen you asking for proofreading, and I think that it shows that you're willing to take the advice here into account. I think that having a separate proofreader will be helpful. Good work and I look forward to the next chapter.

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CirnouliK
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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Pseudo-Route

Post by CirnouliK » Thu Feb 18, 2021 2:54 pm

After getting a friend of mine to proofread this next scene, I think it's finally ready to be posted! Hopefully this'll further distinct this story from the main one.

Act 1, Scene 2 - Enter Stage Right?

My alarm clock on my phone manages to wake me up before I can naturally awaken, though the light shining through my undrawn curtains would've also done the job... eventually. I yawn widely and sit up, my eyes taking in their unfamiliar sight.

... Oh, right. This is my room now, isn't it? If I were counting, I'd say this is the third room this year that I'm supposed to call 'mine'. But since I didn't think to ask my parents to bring much with me, all that makes it personal is some pill bottles on the nightstand, my school bag and books nearby, and a cardboard box with my game console and games inside. Even my slightly-scattered clothes do little to really sell the idea I'm here.

Rolling my neck, I pass my thoughts off to somewhere else while I try to nail in my new morning routine of 'pop pills, drink water, get ready for the day'. For my first day, it wasn't too bad; I got to talk to a couple of cute girls. Well, one cute girl, the other just threw up gang signs. Out of respect for anyone above or below my room, I stifle my giggling at my own joke while getting my pants on.

Otherwise, I visited the Nurse, met my roommate, and played the night away on my Gamecube. A couple people came by to watch, since the only TVs are out in the lobby, but I didn't mind. Perhaps this was how I could make friends here. Be the kid with parents that could afford the newest console, and some games to boot. We also had the foresight of getting three controllers, but they were almost always too busy to play.

... No no, don't think on that too hard. You're trying to keep yourself happy, me. Act like it. I end up sighing before long, letting the temporary comfort of new clothes on my body wash over my bitter feelings before reaching for my bag and books and heading out into the world again.

*****

By the time I get there, it's only ten or so minutes to class. The walk was uneventful, but sometimes it's good to buck the saying of 'it's the journey, not the destination' and reply 'then why else am I here?' As I open up the door, Mutou's nowhere to be found, so I head over to my d-

My gaze looks past my desk, and in the once-empty seat I saw yesterday, a girl now sits. And for a second I thought my heart was going to seize up.

Looking down at the gaming device in her hands almost dangerously close to her face, a pair of dull red eyes gaze past brown bangs and a set of jet-black frames as she tries to get comfortable. Keyword being 'try'. She's wearing the same uniform as every other girl here, the standard Yamaku white blouse shirt and green pleated skirt, but what stands out to me is what's on her chest.

Or, well, I should say, just her chest.

It's... difficult to put into words what I'm looking at, and were I more lucid, I'd be looking away. Her... chest, is absolutely enormous. Each breast seems nearly the size of her head, if not just as big. The more the thought sticks out in my head, the more I'm tempted to forget I saw anything and just head to my desk, especially since I'm standing in the middle of the classroom. Thank whatever Gods watch over me Shizune and Misha aren't here.

But something else sticks out to me. I feel like I've already seen her before...

My thoughts are sent scattering once more as she looks up from her virtual screen and over to me. Those red eyes gaze up at me, and all I can think of is how weird I look while a deer in headlights comes to mind. But, soon after our eyes meet, she sighs dejectedly and returns to her console, presumably until class starts.

Feeling downcast by the revelation of why she'd have that reaction, I frown, sullenly meandering over to my desk before the bell can ring. I really just stared at her like that, didn't I...? I can only assume she's been getting stares like that before me. My thoughts run over in my head as the rest of class pours in, and I count my lucky stars the only other person there was that dark-haired girl I spotted yesterday in a seat next to the door.

*****

Class is largely uneventful. I'm happy that I can take my mind off my earlier misgivings and focus on something equally important, like science, but my mind drifts back to that girl behind me. Shizune and Misha are busily helping one another out on the assignment, so that leaves me to my thoughts.

Such thoughs of, 'in what world is that considered a disability?' The question briefly fills my head, and I end up turning it behind me to sneak a peek at the brown-haired girl again. She's sat back further in her seat than anyone else, hunched over in such a way her chest is out of the way of her desktop. Her hand busily writes away, taking notes as she looks up to Mutou and the board.

... Well, that sort of answers my question. Come to think of it, the only times I've seen a girl with... What other word can I use for it besides 'chest'? I'm trying to be polite, even if no one can hear my thoughts. Bosom? Breasts? Mil- No, no, never in a thousand years. I end up chewing on the end of my pencil as my mind drifts elsewhere, having tuned out Mutou and the rest of class.

The only time I'm brought out of this stupor is when I ruffle my hair and force myself to focus on the assignment, which catches Misha's eyes, since they obviously aren't on her paper when she looks like she's about to go mental herself. "What's wrong, Hicchan~...?"

Startled at her words, which are marginally more loud than Mutou's, I soon try to hush her down some. "I just... didn't sleep great last night, sorry." It's only a half-lie; my sleep was sort-of troubled due to me heading to bed so late.

"You neither...? Ahaha, well, I get that~. Well, class is almost over~, so keep your chin up." She takes it surprisingly well, giving me a comforting smile before trying to wrack her brain on the assignment some more. I hadn't thought much about her before, but Misha seems really nice. I wonder if she's into video games or anything...

The loud clanging of rounded brass breaks this line of thought, though. As I get up and put my stuff into my backpack, I notice the seat closest to the door's empty. Wasn't that where the dark-haired girl sat...? Huh. When did she leave? Unless she just went out the door when the bell rang.

Thinking for a moment, I turn towards the girl that sits behind me, but I'm interrupted by Misha waving me down. "Hey Hicchan, do you have any plans for lunch today~?"

Thinking back to earlier, I briefly consider it; they've been the nicest to me so far, which isn't saying much, but it's true. Plus, going to lunch with two cute girls would be the morale boost my body needs.

And yet...

"Mmm... I think I do, actually. You two go on without me." I nod more to myself than anything. Not wanting to question my wistful look, Misha simply nods, signs to Shizune, then they're off. Shizune looks a modicum dejected, or maybe I'm just seeing things.

My attention turns back towards the girl behind me, who's just now getting ready to leave. She must've gotten packed in the time it took me to talk to Misha. Intent on trying to mend my previous misgivings, I approach her.

"Uh... Hey, sorry about earlier. I wasn't staring on purpose; I just didn't see you yesterday, is all." She stops putting her stuff away momentarily to look up at me. She's a bit shorter than me, now that I'm getting a good look at her; if I had to guess, she's about five feet tall. She looks off to one side after my apology comes out.

"It's fine." She says quietly. Her voice almost matches her looks, albeit slightly more deep than I would've anticipated.

After an awkward pause, I scratch the back of my neck and speak up again. "Uh... To make up for it, would you ... like to go to lunch together?" My thoughts drift to when I saw her on her game console, and I suddenly feel the urge to ask her what she was playing. Perhaps I could use that for convers-

"No thank you. I'm good." She replies flatly, opting to look forward than directly at me.

A pang of guilt forms in my stomach. Maybe my first impression really did stick... "... O-oh. Alright, then."

And with that, she leaves. Well, tries to - she struggles a little getting between the desks towards the doors in the back, occasionally bracing herself on a desk before continuing. Once she gets to the door, she pulls out a sturdy-looking retractable cane and goes on her way, leaving me to stand there, watching.

... Well, that could've gone better.

*****

My appetite soured, I decide to skip lunch and opt for dinner later on. 'Maybe next time,' I try to encourage myself. Plus I wouldn't want to skip out on Misha and Shizune's offer just to appear there by myself. Nonetheless, with little else to do, I decide to spend my time in the one other comfort I had grown accustomed to while in the hospital; the library, and its many books.

I'd picked up reading while in the hospital, and it was an enjoyable enough pastime that I've found myself reading to help myself sleep, or when video games just don't sound good at the moment. Truly, my life is being consumed by fiction. Not that I mind.

... Though I'm cursing myself for not thinking to ask anyone where it'd be. I'd heard about it when coming to class, but I don't know where in the school it'd be. Maybe I'll ask Mutou...

As I turn back around towards the classroom, I find him still at his desk, looking moderately more tired than usual. Upon seeing me, though, he brightens up slightly. "Ah, Nakai, wasn't it? What can I do for you?"

I try to ignore the state I found him in prior, and step a bit more into the room. "Mutou-sensei. Uh... Would you happen to know where the library is?" I ask, his expression shifting a little as he relaxes.

"Oh, the library? I think it's just down the hallway some, take a right, then it's the bigger hallway on the left. But aren't you going to go get something to eat?"

I shrink a bit into the doorway as I'm called out. "Uh..." I think of what to say for a bit, but eventually, I sigh. "I would, but..." Sighing didn't make thinking of something any easier. I struggle to think, but Mutou eventually catches on.

"... Ah. I think I get it. Nervous because you're still new?" He guesses. I nod, thinking it's better than anything I could come up with. Still a partial truth. "No worries, then. Just make sure you eat something, at least. Can't think on an empty stomach."

With that, I dejectedly nod and slink past the door, heading down the hallway. Maybe I'll buy a granola bar from a vending machine and snack on it before I get in the library. He has a point, after all. I can't think of how to patch things up with that brown-haired girl on an empty stomach.

Turning the corner, I do manage to spot a vending machine. There's only one, but it has both snacks and drinks inside, so I tug out some yen from my pocket, pop it into the machine and select what I want. With a mechanical whir, my treat escapes to the side-port on the vending machine, to which I open it up and munch away on my way to the library.

*****

My time in the library won't be terribly long, but I do plan on getting some meaningful reading in. This school's library is well-stocked, something I probably should have expected. What I also should've expected were books in braille, but the thought never really crossed my mind.

I guess I also should've expected to find that dark-haired girl off in the furthest corner of the library, curled up on a beanbag chair and reading a book. Momentarily, I catch her eye, and for a second I thought I saw some interest behind that amethyst gem of hers, but it immediately flickers back down to her book instead. closing that avenue of communication pretty quickly.

Well, no matter. I'm basically passing time 'til class anyways. I scan the shelves for a science fiction novel, sit down at the back a couple seats away from her, and start to read.

The quiet of the library is amicable, and aside from the librarian up near the front dutifully sorting through returned books, it's almost silent. Occasionally my eyes flicker to the girl far away on my left side, and for some reason our eyes keep meeting. I wonder if she's expecting me to say something...

Maybe she *wants* me to say something? Should I? Some more friends wouldn't be awful. After thinking long enough, I pick myself up and get a bit closer to her, picking out the beanbag chair next to her and seating myself. She gives a small startle at my newly-approaching presence, but I'm quick to give her a friendly wave.

"Uh... Hey there. Sorry to disturb you - I just... Thought I'd say hello." She momentarily stops her reading, looking up towards me now. This is a good start. "I'm Hisao. I... think we have the same class together?"

"..."

She seems to think for a moment, before nodding. "Y-yeah, we do. It's... It's nice to meet you, Hisao." She seems to be carefully considering her words, which is fine by me.

"What's your name?"

"... H... Hanako..." She replies, and I can see her start to ease up a little. Maybe this was a good idea after all. Her eye looks down towards the book in my hands. "... Y-you're a fan of sci-fi too?"

I blink, then smile. "Yeah. It's enjoyable, imagining what the future could have in store for us. What're you reading?"

"God Emperor of Dune." ... I blink towards her again as she talks about it some. I'm genuinely surprised by her answer, much more so when she goes into detail about the story. Never took her for liking that kind of stuff, but it's as they say; don't judge a book by its cover.

"That's actually really cool, Hanako. I oughta give that book series a read sometime." At my reply, she gives me a surprisingly genuine smile, and I can feel my heart melt. Though soon afterward, the bell chimes, and I stand up with a start. "Oh crud, we gotta get back to class."

"I-I'll be okay... You go on ahead." She replies, and I can't help but feel bad for some reason. With a frown and a nod, though, I let her do as she needs. "Uh- H-Hisao?"

I stop in my tracks at her admission, surprised her voice could go that high, before turning around half-way to see her.

"... Thank you. H-hope class goes okay..."

I smile towards her, giving her a cheeky little wink and a thumbs-up, before I check out my book at the front counter. While I'm up there, I learn the librarian's name, Yuuko, in the process, and I head off to catch up for classes. There was another girl there, blonde-haired with glossy-looking eyes, but I didn't really get a chance to stop and talk with her.

*****

I'm quick to return to my seat in class, giving myself plenty of time before the second bell, as I settle in and bring out my supplies for Math class. Though as more and more students file in through the doors, I never see that brown-haired girl come through the doors again. I'm hoping I didn't scare her off.

That being said, the rest of class goes by without a hitch. Shizune and Misha are surprisingly quiet throughout the rest of the period, and I'm internally hoping my dismissal of their offer earlier didn't peeve them. Hanako did come back to class before long, and when I saw her out of the corner of my eye, I could've sworn she gave a moment's glance at me before she made her way to her desk. The thought gives me a small smile.

Finally, the last bell rings out, and everyone's let out. I grab my bag, stuff everything inside, and am on my way out the door behind everyone else, before an almost-unnoticeable touch stirs me from my waiting in orderly fashion. To my surprise, it's Hanako again.

"Uhm..." She looks to me, then over to the seat behind where I sat. "... Did... Yuzuki ever come back to class...?"

I give her a look like she's speaking in another language, before I speak up. "... Who's Yuzuki?"

She looks like she's said something she shouldn't have, and quickly gets nervous. "U-uhm- Noone! S-s-sorryHisaoIgottagobye!" And she runs past the last few people going out the door, bag in tow.

... Well that was weird. Maybe that's the name of the girl that sits behind me? Well, I'll just file that away in my mental library until later. For now though, my Gamecube is calling to me.

It's a relatively peaceful walk back, the sounds of students chattering as I make my way back to my dorm filling the area, but never really getting unbearable. I can somewhat hear Misha above everyone else occasionally, but otherwise, the bustle almost reminds me of the city during daytime.

It doesn't take too long before I'm back in my dorm. Just as I'm about to put the key into my door, though, a door opening behind me startles me, and I almost manage to drop my key for the door.

"Who is it?"

I know that voice. With a small sigh, I turn around to find no one else but Kenji peering at me through glasses remininscent of the bottoms of cola bottles. He seems pretty friendly, all things considered.

"It's just me, Kenji. School got out a little while ago."

He pauses for a moment, licking his lips before the thought comes to him. "Oh, Hisao right? Hey dude. Welcome back." He gives me a smile, and I can tell he's at least in a companionable mood tonight. "How goes the good fight? Have the girls population dwindled at all?"

I raise an eyebrow his way, before shaking my head. "Not any more than usual, no. Wait, why do you wanna know?" I ask, suddenly confused.

He gives an uncommital shrug. "Eh, no reason. Say, were you gonna play 2 Battle tonight? I finally found my own console, and I managed to plug it into my TV in my room. You'll never guess how many Emblems I forgot I had."

The change of subject throws me for a loop, but admittedly, this is better than whatever he was talking about prior. "Uh... Yeah, actually. I'm on the Dark Story, currently doing one of Shadow's missions. And uh... 12?" I'm no good at guessing game progress, especially with someone I hardly know. He takes my admittance as a challenge, though.

"12? What kind of a fake gamer do you take me for? 12? Only feminists would get that many Emblems and quit. I was going for broke, man. Hit 96 while you were out there hitting the books."

I give him a surprised look. Damn. That's actually fairly impressive - I was only at 24 or so myself, so to think he's gotten so far ahead is way out of my ballpark for him. "That's pretty impressive, actually."

He grins almost proudly, hands in his pockets. "Yeah, I know, I'm ballin'. Maybe one day you'll be as baller as me."

With an eyeroll, I speak up again. "Well, either way, you said you wanted to play, right? I got a spare controller or two, otherwise it's BYOC."

He then frowns. "Man, I ain't gonna play with one of your controllers. You might've bugged it to mess with my moves. I'm bringing my own."

Seeing a flaw in his logic, I retort smugly. "Then what if you bugged your own controller to mess with mine? What if your own controller's bugged and you don't even know it?"

... He begins to sweat some. "... Shit. Damn it! Shit! You're right! Fuck!" He starts swearing openly, and it takes all my willpower not to chuckle out loud. Knuckles would be proud. "I gotta tear apart my controllers tonight, man. We'll play another time." And with that, he spins on his heel and slams his door shut, leaving me there with a few more questions answered than the last time we met.

Well, guess 2 Battle's out of the question tonight. Maybe I'll boot up Pikmin 2 instead...
Shizune=Misha>Emi>Hanako>Lilly>Rin
Just another internet drifter that likes cute girls with short blue hair, and glasses, that are deaf-mute.

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God's Gift to Yamaku (An OC-centric Psuedo Route)

Fourthsubset66
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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Pseudo-Route

Post by Fourthsubset66 » Thu Feb 18, 2021 8:01 pm

Another decent chapter, I am really enjoying the positive Hisao. The Hanako scene was super adorable too. I only have a small issue with how you described your OC's...bust. It felt a little bit over the top, for example, each being bigger than her head. I'm sure it was done intentionally but I don't feel I really picked up an accurate description of what she looks like. Other than that, it was still super good and I look forward to seeing where this goes.

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CirnouliK
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Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Pseudo-Route

Post by CirnouliK » Thu Feb 18, 2021 9:01 pm

Fourthsubset66 wrote:
Thu Feb 18, 2021 8:01 pm
Another decent chapter, I am really enjoying the positive Hisao. The Hanako scene was super adorable too. I only have a small issue with how you described your OC's...bust. It felt a little bit over the top, for example, each being bigger than her head. I'm sure it was done intentionally but I don't feel I really picked up an accurate description of what she looks like. Other than that, it was still super good and I look forward to seeing where this goes.
Don't worry - although I have no pictures, I basically wrote her for the story and have an entire five paragraphs worth of how she looks elsewhere. Once he gets a better look at her, she'll become more clear in the mind's eye. ^-^
Shizune=Misha>Emi>Hanako>Lilly>Rin
Just another internet drifter that likes cute girls with short blue hair, and glasses, that are deaf-mute.

Currently Writing:
God's Gift to Yamaku (An OC-centric Psuedo Route)

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Razoredge
Posts: 176
Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2015 12:31 pm
Location: Bordeaux, France

Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Pseudo-Route

Post by Razoredge » Thu Feb 18, 2021 11:34 pm

So, for the first chapter, there are two things I would "complain" about. I'm not a huge fan of the "I rewrite the VN" but at least, you manage to add more original content in the chapter. Also, I don't understand what's the point to add the choices from the game, directly in your chapters. Adding choices can be a really good idea, if it's the focus of the entire story. I mean, adding choices can be good if you're writing a route that can lead to multiple endings, with a spoiler for the parts linked to the choice, leaving the choice to the reader to read the parts he/she wants to get the ending he/she wants. If your story is written like that, yeah, choices can be a really good idea. But writing stories like that, in the form of fanfictions, is extremely difficult, and I would not recommend this to someone's first story. But it's all up to you in the end, I was just sharing my opinion about this.

For the second chapter, I like this positive side of Hisao. Yeah, definitely, more positive Hisao. I also like that you put more original content on this chapter. Hanako's scene was a very good addition. I hope we'll see her in the story, cute scenes with Hanako are always good ideas. The only thing I could complain about is the OC, at least her description. The idea of gigantism overall is good, not gonna lie, but for this part of the body only, it's quite over-the-top, and her breasts description's too. It would have been better, for me, to describe it better, but it's all up to you.

Your story have potential, the positive sides of Hisao are great, and I'm really curious to see where it's going. I'm really curious to see how Hisao will fit in the school in your story, and his positive sides are a gread addition to the story. You have potential, clearly. I will follow this story with interest. I just hope, as I told you on discord, it won't be boobs-related just for the sake of adding boobs.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route, Lullaby of an open heart : A Saki pseudo-route & Sakura Blossom : A way with Hisao

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CirnouliK
Posts: 17
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2021 2:07 pm

Re: God's Gift to Yamaku - An OC-centric Pseudo-Route

Post by CirnouliK » Fri Feb 19, 2021 2:28 am

Razoredge wrote:
Thu Feb 18, 2021 11:34 pm
So, for the first chapter, there are two things I would "complain" about. I'm not a huge fan of the "I rewrite the VN" but at least, you manage to add more original content in the chapter. Also, I don't understand what's the point to add the choices from the game, directly in your chapters. Adding choices can be a really good idea, if it's the focus of the entire story. I mean, adding choices can be good if you're writing a route that can lead to multiple endings, with a spoiler for the parts linked to the choice, leaving the choice to the reader to read the parts he/she wants to get the ending he/she wants. If your story is written like that, yeah, choices can be a really good idea. But writing stories like that, in the form of fanfictions, is extremely difficult, and I would not recommend this to someone's first story. But it's all up to you in the end, I was just sharing my opinion about this.

For the second chapter, I like this positive side of Hisao. Yeah, definitely, more positive Hisao. I also like that you put more original content on this chapter. Hanako's scene was a very good addition. I hope we'll see her in the story, cute scenes with Hanako are always good ideas. The only thing I could complain about is the OC, at least her description. The idea of gigantism overall is good, not gonna lie, but for this part of the body only, it's quite over-the-top, and her breasts description's too. It would have been better, for me, to describe it better, but it's all up to you.

Your story have potential, the positive sides of Hisao are great, and I'm really curious to see where it's going. I'm really curious to see how Hisao will fit in the school in your story, and his positive sides are a gread addition to the story. You have potential, clearly. I will follow this story with interest. I just hope, as I told you on discord, it won't be boobs-related just for the sake of adding boobs.
Don't worry - the choice was a one-off. I just thought it'd add a little bit of flair to things, but noone seems to like them, sadly.

As for both Hanako and our secondary protagonist, more will come of them with time. I'm here to paint a real depiction of the dangers of fiction vs. non-fiction, and want to show people that such desires as having some part of them be bigger aren't always a good idea. Especially so when it can possess real health problems, many of which I'll discuss within the story. The title takes on many meanings, as I hope people will eventually see as I progress through the days.

Either way, thank you both for the comment, and I'm glad you're seeming to enjoy things so far! Always makes me smile knowing people're looking forward to what I'm planning with this.
Shizune=Misha>Emi>Hanako>Lilly>Rin
Just another internet drifter that likes cute girls with short blue hair, and glasses, that are deaf-mute.

Currently Writing:
God's Gift to Yamaku (An OC-centric Psuedo Route)

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